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201. Rebuild Trust After Divorce: Healing Betrayal Without Losing Yourself · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: The path of betrayal you are walking, whether you kept the secrets or were devastated by the secrets, was destined and essential.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Hi love, welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Today, we are unpacking betrayal in all of its many forms Whether you have been a part of or been the victim of somebody else's addiction, affairs, secrets, financial betrayal, whether you've remained in touch with your exes or your ex kept in touch with his exes, or whether you've had friends that betrayed you or family that have betrayed you.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: We are digging into this from the inside out, love.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Before we get started, I just want to take a moment to shout out one of our dear listeners, addie.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Addie, thank you so much for being one of the best parts of the podcast.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: I know how much you listen and love us and share the podcast with other people, and your heart for yourself and your children and healing your life is fierce and it is so wonderful to be on this journey with you.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, just acknowledging this topic caused you to have a body sensation, whether you realized it or not.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Right, there was a physiological response in your body.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: As you were listening to me, you know lay out what we're going to talk about today, and that's because betrayal has so many traumatic elements to it, and you know I'm so excited for you to take a deeper look at this and take some action steps moving forward.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: The three main things we're going to look at today are having the brain map of betrayal and really taking a look at how the betrayal you've experienced as an adult, whether or not.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Again, this applies whether you kept the secrets or you were devastated by the secrets.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Either which way right, you had a brain map for that that was established between conception and seven years old.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: Most likely Could have been after seven years old, but most of our brain maps were already established up to seven years old.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: So you have a brain map for betrayal on one or both sides of the aisle and you will continue to repeat that pattern unless you change that brain map.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: So we got to get to the root of that.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: The other thing we're going to talk about today is specifically women who cheat, and I have a special place in my heart for those women, because I think that the divorce recovery community is not necessarily a safe place for them, and women who cheat need just as much love as women who were cheated on.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: And I will die on that hill.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: So we're going to unpack that and then we're also going to take a look at okay, where do we go from here?
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Why is this pattern keep repeating?
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: What can I do about it and how can I create a different future for myself?
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: So glad you asked.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: All right, let's dig into the brain map.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Okay, I think that there are many listeners today who are like, obviously, dawn, I have a brain map for betrayal.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: All you have to look at my family tree or, you know, attend one holiday with my family of origin and you would be like duh, duh.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: My family is rife with secrets or betrayals or addiction or you name it, and it's super, super obvious, right.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: But then I know that there is also a pocket of listeners who are like Dawn.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: I don't get it.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I had a wonderful childhood and I have amazing parents and I cannot possibly understand how I have a brain map for betrayal.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Let me explain with a story, right?
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: So I was working with, actually a couple recently, and one of the individuals was explaining how their present day adult issue is about constantly battling debt, financial debt, right.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: And when I said, okay, well, let's take a look at how your brain map is an indicator for financial debt, he was like well, first of all, I don't remember my early childhood and I said, no problem, because you can trust how it feels today, right.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: And so I asked this person how does it feel in your body to constantly be in debt?
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: And they described pressure, and they described expectations that they could never reach or hit, that they could never reach or hit, and they felt this sort of sense of never being good enough.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: Well, those three things, right Pressure, unreasonable expectations and never being good enough.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: There's your early childhood brain map.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: That now is being reenacted in the world of financial debt today, and this is why I'm saying the path of betrayal you're walking was destined, because when we have early childhood experiences and PS friend, we all have these, which is why I'm also saying that this path is essential, because you have an early childhood brain map and you don't know the intricacies of how that came to be, because you were age seven or younger, right, but because of how the brain develops, that's when you absorbed the bulk of your beliefs about yourself, the world around you and how intimate relationships work.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: And so if in those early days, the way you feel today was somehow unfolding, somehow got internalized, somehow got inside of you, think about the things that your kids were exposed to at an early age that you were like.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Thank God they won't remember that, but energetically they may have absorbed it right.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: So much of what we experience as limiting beliefs and brain maps is energy that has been handed down generationally and that was inherited from a very, very young age.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: And so if there in your family history is any sort of indicator of a lot of suppression, right of perfectionism, did you know that a family history of perfectionism or family culture of perfectionism, that there are often a lot of secrets beneath the surface, because perfect isn't real?
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: And so if a family is presenting as perfect, lord, have mercy.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: If we dug in the drawers, what would we find, right?
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: So if there's a family history of perfectionism, there's somewhere in there the essence of these sort of hidden secrets or messages that you can't feel what you feel or you can't pursue what you want to pursue or you have to play small, or you have to avoid making mistakes, and these are all things that cause you to be disconnected from your internal intuition, your ability to judge whether or not a person is safe or in alignment, and so there can be so many different types that you can have the obviously like addicted or secretive family, and then you can have the not so obvious ones, and both of those things can lead to you suppressing your truth, suppressing your intuition, suppressing your identity and not having trust in yourself and not knowing who in the world is trustworthy.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: So I want you to take a look at the themes that keep reoccurring in your adult life and I want you to start connecting the dots about how that was your early childhood brain map, and I want you to start cutting yourself some slack and I want you to start acknowledging that this horrible path you're walking that is so painful, the traumas that you have experienced about betrayal they are not just now traumas, they are then traumas, and we must address both the then traumas and just now traumas.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: They are then traumas and we must address both the then traumas and the now traumas, and we have to validate that this is purposeful in your life, and not just purposeful, because every wound requires a reckoning right, like those wounds that you experienced at a young age.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: There was always going to be a reckoning.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: They were always going to demand attention and healing right, and then we can attend to that healing or we can avoid it, but it was always coming and it was always going to be an essential part of your Phoenix Rising story.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: It was always going to be the path through which you were going to tap into your purpose.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: It was always going to be the way that you were going to become the most sort of purified version of yourself love.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: So I want you to release some of those layers of just shame and insecurity around.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Like you know, this wasn't supposed to be my life.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, actually, not only was it always probably going to be your life right, but it is so just purposeful in your next steps and the next chapters of your life.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: So I want you to start trusting that above all else.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: All right, let's talk for a moment about women who cheat.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I don't like that word.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: It just felt like I have a dear friend who doesn't like the word panties or the word moist right.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: When I just said women who cheat, I was like panties or the word moist, right.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: When I just said women who cheat, I was like like it didn't taste good in my mouth, interesting.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Okay, I want to talk about how this podcast and this community built around this podcast are a safe place for women who had secrets, who had emotional affairs, who had physical affairs.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: This podcast is a safe place for you.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: You are worthy, you matter.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: I see you and you deserve healing and forgiveness just as much as the next woman.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: And while many women are in so much pain because they were betrayed, the woman who also had secrets and did the things you also have equal pain.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: There is nobody's pain who is greater or smaller.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: None of us is perfect.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: We all have limiting beliefs from which we are living our lives and sabotaging our own success.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Just because one woman sabotages her success by playing small and not having healthy boundaries and not being in touch with her intuition and murdering herself to the man who kept cheating the other woman who sabotages herself by living a different set of secrets and lies.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: They are just two different ways of sabotaging yourself love and playing it small and not living in energetic alignment and a grounded sense of worthiness.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: So one or the other of you is not a hero or a villain.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: All women deserve to feel their sense of purpose and worth.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: And if you are someone who tends to see yourself find yourself mentally persecuting other women the woman who had the affair with your husband and you are raking her over the coals and you are seeing her as the you know scummiest form of whatever, I need you to pause and I need you to take a look at that behavior, because you cannot heal your life without forgiving that woman and seeing also her woundedness and her beauty.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: You know, just this last weekend in church because you know I'm in my back to church era one of our preaching team was talking about the concept of Imago Dei, which is in the likeness of God, that we are all created.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: In the likeness of God.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: That means every color, every creed, every gender, every path of life.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: We are all created in the likeness of God and that means men who cheat, women who cheat and women and men who were cheated on.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: So everybody is worthy of forgiveness and that is our path is to walk that forgiveness out.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: And I am here to acknowledge that there are traumas that have to be healed in order for you to be able to walk that path out.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: But I believe that all healing is possible and there are no saints here, only sinners.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: Right, church is for sinners, I am for sure at the front of that sinner's line.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: I don't even like that word either, but you understand the spirit of my message.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: And to the woman who's been having a harder time really recovering from just divorce and everything about it, because it hasn't felt like divorce recovery spaces are safe for you.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Welcome, friend, I love you.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about how to recover from this.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: No matter what side of the experience.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: You're on right.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I want you to think for a moment like drop into your body, take a deep breath.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: I'm going to do it with you.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, when I've been on a teaching tear, right, my brain is going faster than my body and it's really good to reconnect those two in the middle of recording the podcast, right?
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: So, dropping back into my body, inviting you deeper into yours, what would you prefer for your life?
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Right, this traumatic story of betrayal, of lies, of secrets, of feeling like you can't trust yourself or other people.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: What would you prefer for yourself when you dream about what your future could look like?
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: What do you dream?
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Do you dream that you are locked and loaded in your intuition.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: Do you dream of a man who not only worships you, but is loyal and defends you and has your back, and defends you and has your back?
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Do you dream of family members actually helping you instead of hurting you?
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Do you dream of people championing your needs?
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: That's an amazing dream, and I want you to feel that in your bones, and I want you to write about it, and I want you to reinforce it, and I want you to thank God for it that in nonlinear time, it already exists.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: I want you to believe in that dream.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: I want you to trust that it's real.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: And then I want you to know this next thing You're not ready for it, and that's okay, but this is an invitation for you to get ready for it and how to know whether or not you are ready for it.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: Well, here are some things for you to check out.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, because you're like Dawn, screw you.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I'm ready, I'm beyond ready.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: In fact, I don't know if I can handle another moment of not having it, because this hurts so much and it's so overwhelming and it's so painful.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: And I'm going to show you, though, how ready you are to receive it, because when we don't have the things we desire love it is always because our capacity to have them is limited or blocked.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: So feel these things in your body as I ask, what's it feel like in your body when you receive a compliment?
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: It feel like in your body when you receive a compliment.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: How many times a day do you apologize for things that you probably shouldn't be apologizing for, like sneezing or having to pee or being hungry or I don't know any number of things?
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: How do you feel about speaking up when you know it's going to piss someone off?
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: What's your body say when you consider doing that?
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: How does it feel to set a boundary and hold it?
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Do you have a tendency to dissociate?
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: What do I mean by dissociate?
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: You know sort of zone out when you feel super anxious, like floating above your body in social situations, time feeling weird, finding ways to numb out from what you're feeling, going behind your eyes, right where there's sort of this hollow stare coming out of you because you're in some other recess of your brain while you know sort of faking it being in a conversation, right.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: Do you tend towards dissociation?
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: How does it feel when you make a mistake and someone catches it?
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: How does it feel for you to sit in a room of women you admire?
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: How does it feel for you to sit in a room full of men that you admire?
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: The way in which you answered these questions are just sort of like an entry-level look at what your capacity is to tolerate love, loyalty, acceptance and to trust in your own worth and intuition.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: I cannot say enough that it is a process of coming home to oneself and understanding that who you are at your core, not the disease state crap that got in your body either from you know the generations before you, from your lived experience or from your early childhood brain map, but who you are at your core.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Friend is so purposeful, and we need your unique gifts, abilities and bespoke offerings to this time and place.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: You are essential.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: You matter more than you even realize, but you have all of this distorted energy in your body, all of this programming that has told you that that's not true, and so you've played it small and you've become complicit in abandoning your own inner child and abandoning your own dreams without even realizing it.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: And so the call to action today is to trust that you are recovering from betrayal on purpose, because that wound had to be healed in order for you to stand in your pure magic.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: And so this is a call to action to stop blaming him or her or them, because the time for blaming them is over, because that will block you from your power is over.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: Because that will block you from your power.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: It's time to really take a look at what concrete next steps you need to take, what concrete next steps are calling to you to shift out of these patterns?
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: Have you been avoiding an urge to do more EFT tapping, or to look into homeopathy, or to find out when we're enrolling the next program, or to schedule some EMDR therapy, or to find an acupuncturist, or to I don't know right?
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Like fill in the blanks, but there is some next step that is calling to you and it's time right now to take that next step.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: Right now to take that next step.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: Too often, because we're so tired of hurting, we try to do this sort of quick, like wartime medic kind of treatment of our wounds, right, we just want to get stabilized on the battlefield, and then we want to be done with the battle and we want to just move on, and we neglect to do our physical therapy, right.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: We just want to come back from war and just pretend that that's over and it never happened and carry on.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: And I promise you what that leads to is way more pain and a second divorce and a third divorce and a so on and so forth, and or a life without love and intimacy because you can't tolerate approaching it, or you know a life of your kids repeating the same mistakes because you know, as the mother, you have been trapped in the same patterns yourself.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Because, do not be confused when we heal, future generations heal.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: There is an undeniable connection between mothers and children and when mothers break patterns, it automatically unlocks something for children.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: So this is your call to action.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: If you have not yet downloaded our immersive journaling program or the loneliness roadmap or subscribed to our premium podcast, you know that the women who have been listening to the quantum tracks in the premium feed they've been listening to the multiple nights in a row, have been texting both myself and Coach Tiffany and reporting wild, wild, wild shifts For $5 a month.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: You could be listening to those quantum tracks, to those sleep meditations, and you could be having these massive unlockings in your brain map that led to this betrayal in the first place.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: It's time, love.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: It's time for you to rise.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: Peace, dear.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: Divorce Diary is a podcast by my coach, dawn.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: You can find more at mycoachdawncom.