Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #811 Who's Your Favourite?

Transcript

#811 Who's Your Favourite? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, what I'm more inclined to suggest is that we
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: look at our little one and we say, sometimes it
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: feels like things aren't quite fair, doesn't it, and give
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: them a great big hug and say what do you
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: think we can do?
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: And now here's the scars of our show. My mum
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Hello, welcome to the Happy Family's podcast. I'm doctor justin course.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: I'm here with my wife Kylie. We are parents of
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: six children and soon to be parents of one grand baby.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Very excited about that. We have some big parents, grandparents,
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: I said, grandparents. I hope I grandparents. Maybe I did.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: I apologize if that caused in a confusion. We were
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: about to become the We're about to become the parents
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: of a soon to be parent. How's that? Yeah, Okay,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: we are parents of a soon to be parent. Let's
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: move on.
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: The kids are actually talking to me about this the
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: other day, and they said, do you realize that you
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: have three adult children, You're going to be grandparents to
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: one grand baby. You have four children who almost have
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: their license. She was just it was really blowing her mind,
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: and she said, and very soon, there's only going to
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: be three kids in the house.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: Only three kids in the house. Some parents are hearing
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: that right now and going only three, only three? What
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: does it even mean.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: Except for the big kids keep coming home.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: It's a nice segue actually into the question that we've got.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: Every Tuesday we answer a listener question, and we try
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: to keep them as broad in general as we can
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: so they apply to as many people as possible, and
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: this one applies to everyone who has more than one child.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: It comes from Julia, who says, high Team, I love
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: the podcast so much helpful information. I'm going to just
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: jump in here. There is so much helpful information in
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: this podcast. Can I recommend if you love the podcast,
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: that you go right back and listen from the beginning.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: We've got eight hundred.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: Just from one hundred and thirty four.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's when you join this and you're so funny.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: Just listen to the ones that I'm in. Don't worry
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: about the ones before that, but the once before that
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: were too gosh. Okay, well, this is the podcast for
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: the time poor parents. So I'm going to get on
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: with Julia's question. Now that I've mentioned that people will
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: make their family happier if they listen to every episode
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: of the podcast from one all one thirty four you decide.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: The email goes on to say the other evening, my
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Miss nine told me she feels like Habby and I
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: love mister six more than her. We're dealing with favoritism.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: She said that she gave a few examples as to why,
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: such as we spend longest saying good night to him.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: As she's getting older, I've been raising my expectations of her.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: I expect her to be more responsible for herself, while
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Mister six sometimes still needs a bit more help. Anyhow,
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: I thanked her for being brave in sharing her feelings,
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: and I reassured her that we love her just as
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: much as him and that we would be more aware
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: of how she's feeling. Now I'm really conscious of everything
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: I do or say with them both. How do you
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: get the balance here? Because, of course we do love
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: them as much as one another. Favoritism? Who's your favorite?
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: We have six daughters? Which one do you love the most?
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: Oh, everybody knows the answer to that one.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: What is the answer to that one?
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: Who is it?
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: That's what I'm asking you. I'm asking you who I
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: asked you first? Who do you love the most?
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: I don't love anyone the most, but I definitely you.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Love them all just as much as one another. Is
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: that what you're saying?
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: No, I love them differently, right, And that's the truth.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: There's a different relationship that grows over time with each child.
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: They're different people. How could I possibly love them all
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: the same?
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to say that love must be unconditional.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: If it's conditional, it's not love, it's a reward, it's
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: some kind of attentional thing. But love must be completely unconditional.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: So obviously we know this. As parents, we try our hardest.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: But even if you love your children all the same,
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: sometimes it's pretty easy to show preferential treatment to one
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: or the other, or to let the kid that the
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: kids can develop a sense that they are loved more
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: or less than their siblings. And that's where the real
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: challenge comes in.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: I know that you don't believe in love languages, and
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: I'm not suggesting that there's a lot of.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: What I say with the love language is there's limited,
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: if any, science to support the five love languages. I
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: don't mind the concept so much. But I think that
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: there's more important things that we can concentrate on.
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: But there are definitely certain ways or certain activities that
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: I do with different children that leave them feeling more seen,
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: heard and valued, get more loved, more time togetherness than
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: other children.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, that's fine, but that's not necessarily a love language.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: That's simply recognizing that you can be responsive to the
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: things that light up that child and you're aware of
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: what makes them feel good.
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: So, in and of itself, it's a language, right.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: Let's not get caught up in the semantics of it.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: There are a number of things that we need to
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: talk about when it comes to favoritism.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: I listened to a small video the other day was
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: actually by a teacher, and she's teaching empathy in the classroom.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: But the way she did it, I think is beautifully
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: depicted in this context. So she gets the class sitting
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: down and she says to them, has anyone ever hurt
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: their elbow before? And a few kids put their hands up,
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: and she said, oh, she said, that must have hurt.
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: And she lets them tell her about the experience of
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: hurting their elbow, and so she gives them a band
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: aid she said, can I put a band aid on
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: your elbow? And they say, yeah, that'd be great, and
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: they sit down, and then she says, has anybody hurt
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: their knee before? And she talks about as she lets
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: a child acknowledge and talk about hurting their knee, and
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: then she says, let me put a band aid on
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: your elbow. And the kids are kind of I mean,
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: these are five and six year olds, but they're kind
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: of looking at her like, h why hanging a sad?
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: Why are you doing that? And she said, there you go.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: That feels better, doesn't it. She lets them sit them down.
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: She says, what about has anyone stubbed their toe? And
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: so she goes through a few different things of things
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: that have happened, and each time she puts a band
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: aid on their elbow right, and by now the kids
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: are kind of like, what's going on? And she said,
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: did anybody notice what I did? And they all said,
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: you put band aids on elbows and she said, yeah,
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: but did it work? You know, did it help? And
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: they were like, no because I hurt my toe, or
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: no because I hurt my knee. And she was then
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: able to talk to them about the fact that there
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: isn't one blanket way to work with challenges that some
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: children hurt their elbow and they need a specific way
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: of being helped, or they need specific time together. But
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: other children hurt their knee and they don't need the
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: same help as a band aid on an elbow. They
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: need something for their knee. And when you think about
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: favoritism and a child who's going hang on a sec
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: you love him more because you do this than this.
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: But that might be something that that child actually needs
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: where she doesn't need that specific thing, she needs something else.
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: And helping our children have perspective to recognize, like if
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: I had to divide my time and go, okay, you
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: get thirty minutes of my time and you get my
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: thirty minutes of my time. And what I'm hearing from
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: this mum is that she's now so conscious of what
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: she does, she's actually will lose the integrity in her
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: ability to be with each of the children in natural
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: ways as a result of that over consciousness of spending
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: time together. But if we can help our children recognize
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: that a four year old needs more help with X,
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: Y and Z than a six year old does. But
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: I do these things with you because this is what
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: you need. This is how I'm able to spend time
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: with you and show love to you. That might just help.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: From a research point of view, what I'm going to
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: highlight is that favoritism has been shown to have detrimental effects.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: Sometimes favoritism is absolutely explicit. Parents can sometimes do and
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: say some terrible things when it comes to demonstrating favoritism
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: intentionally to either try to motivate better behavior in the child.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: That's not the quote unquote favorite Favoritism is really about
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: showing preferential treatment to one child over another. And there
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: are some children who are simply easier to get along with.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: There are some children who are less challenging, and therefore
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: we may tend to even unconsciously and unintentionally preference them
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: over others. We smile at the more, we speak in
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: softer tones, We turn our body towards them when they're talking.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: We are more attentive. We're more inclined to help. We're
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: more inclined to say yes when they ask for something.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Whereas the children that we understand less, the children who
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: challenge us that little bit more, we're more inclined to
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: say no. Keep our sentences short and Curt tend not
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: to make as much eye contact, that kind of thing,
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: and the kids pick up on this.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: They real is that because the kids that we actually
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: lean towards have learned the art of people pleasing.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: Well, it could be, but more often than not, I
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: think that it's probably a bidirectional thing. The kids that
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: are easier to deal with, we tend to be nicer
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: towards them. The kids that were nicer towards tend to
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: be easy to deal with, So it's sort of works
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: both ways. I think that when it comes to this
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: particular question that's come through from Julia, I don't think
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: that there's any intentional favoritism going on here at all.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: What's really happening is we've got a child who's a
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: little bit sensitive, who's struggling a little bit, and who's saying,
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: hang on, this doesn't feel like this is the same.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: And I guess this comes down the whole thing where
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: we talk to the kids about how as you said,
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: just because they got thirty minutes doesn't mean that you're
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: going to get thirty minutes. You're going to get what
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: you need when you need, and they're going to get
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: what they need when they need. It, and we're going
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: to do our best to be responsive to and supportive
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: of your needs. Favoritism is definitely, definitely something to avoid,
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: and what we really want to do is work out
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: how we can engage with our kids. Ultimately, if I
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: have a close look at the wording of this email
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: from Julia, ultimately what I think is Miss nine just
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: doesn't feel seen, hurt and valued in the same way
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: that she perceives that mister six is. Does that make sense,
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: of course.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: And that's what I was acknowledging. He's six, Yeah, so
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: his needs are actually a little bit bigger.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: He probably needs a band aid on his toe and
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: on his knee and on his elbow because.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: Of his age, because of his developmental stages, and helping
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: her to feel secure in her relationship with mom and
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: dad is really important. But what she needs is different
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: to what he needs.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And to me, the easiest way to work through
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: this with the nine year old is probably not to
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: get completely logical, because it's sort of boring for a
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: nine year old to have a logical conversation about favoritism.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: And no matter how much you try to reassure and
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: say you know what, I love, you just as much
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: as your little brother. There's part of her that's going, well,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: you're saying that, but everything i'm seeing is making me
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: feel the way that i'm feeling, and everything that I'm
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: feeling is running counter to what you're saying right now.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: So trying to argue and prove that they're wrong and
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: we're right doesn't tend to lead to the outcomes that
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: we're looking for. Or what I'm more inclined to suggest
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: is that we look at our little one and we say,
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: sometimes it feels like things aren't quite fair, doesn't it,
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: and give them a great big hug and say, what
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: do you think we can do? So, in other words,
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: step into a sort of an explore, explain, empower situation.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: Sometimes I can see that you feel like we preference
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: your little brother over you. I promise you we don't.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: But what can we do to help you to know
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: that we love you just as much as we love him.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: And when you empower them your brainstorm together, you come
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: up with a solution together. It's amazing how quickly and
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: easily this whole thing can be resolved through validation and
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: through empathy.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: One of the things that we have been really good
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: at different times in our family life is just having
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: one on one time with the kids, you know, mummy
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: daughter to day, it's daddy daugh to day. Yeah, and
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: the kids love it because it's absolutely concentrated, specific time
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: with them doing something they love.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Perfect. Perfect. So, Julia, we really hope that there's some
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: useful answers there. Stay away from favoritism, not that you
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: were heading down that path when the perception of favoritism exists,
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: though that is also something to avoid because the kids
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: can get caught up in it. We hope that these
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: ideas will guide you down a pathway of non preferential
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: treatment of kids from your perspective and from theirs. The
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: Happy Family's podcast returns tomorrow with a conversation that I
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: think you are going to love. We're talking with a
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: marriage and intimacy expert, her name is doctor Jennifer Finlayson
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: Fife about how to find the spark when the spark
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: has all but gone out, how to build that flame
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: back up in your relationship. It's going to be a
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: really important, really great conversation. She is articulate, she's thoughtful,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: she's wise, and we're talking to doctor Jennifer Finlayson tomorrow
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: on the podcast. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: We'll talk to you tomorrow. For more information about making
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: your family happier, join us at doctor Justin Colson's Happy
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: Families on Facebook or on Instagram, or at happy families
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: dot com dot a
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: H