Latest / Getting After It / 181 - If You Want a Village, Be a Villager: How to Actually Build Real Friendships

Transcript

181 - If You Want a Village, Be a Villager: How to Actually Build Real Friendships · Getting After It

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on, everybody?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Getting After It Podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: After a week of not posting, I'm back and it feels good.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Life has just it's been so busy.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I uh to give you some context, started a new job um about a month ago and learning a lot, but it is requiring me to spend a lot of time focusing on that rather than the podcast and um things like that.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, there's seasons in life, and sometimes you're required to spend time doing something that requires your attention at that time because it's more important than you know other things.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not trying to say that the podcast is not important.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I obviously this is my my baby, and I love it.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I love doing this.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so that's kind of why I'm excited to be able to sit here and record again.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're going to be talking about something that I think a lot of people experience, but not a lot of people talk about.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's loneliness.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And before you immediately think that this episode isn't for you, let me ask you a question.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had a day where you realized you hadn't spoken to anyone outside of work?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: You wake up, you go to work, come home, maybe go to the gym, make dinner, you watch something, scroll your phone, and go to bed.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the next day looks almost exactly the same.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: You might technically technically know a lot of people.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're connected.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's one beautiful thing about the time that we live in now is that we're able to be connected with so many people through the power of digital devices.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you have coworkers, acquaintances, people online, um, friends, family.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: But when you really think about it, you're not actually connected to very many of them.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you might, you know, be their friend on Instagram or on Facebook or whatever, but uh a lot of the times you're not, at least for me, you know, I'm not deeply interacting with all the people who I follow, or um I'm not having tons of conversations with uh the people who um the people who I work with.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like we work together, but beyond that, you know, especially in a remote job, you don't really get those opportunities to be with people um as much as you know we used to be.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the strange thing about loneliness in the modern world.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: We are more connected digitally than any generation in human history.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yet loneliness is rising everywhere.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: My wife, she told me a phrase that has stuck with me for quite some time, and it's if you want a village, be a villager.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you want community, you have to participate in building it.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can't wait for it to just show up.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And today I want to talk about why loneliness happens, and more importantly, what we can actually do about it.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: But before we get into the research and ideas, I want to start with a story because I have experienced this myself.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time in my life where loneliness was palpable.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I could feel it.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that I was alone.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I moved up to Utah by myself.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I had a job at Pattern, and they required me to work in the office, which meant I needed to move up to Utah.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Funny enough, I never thought that I would leave Arizona.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I love Arizona.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great place.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember having so many conversations with my family and um friends, people who I talked to, and I remember telling him, like, I'm never leaving Arizona.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you would have thought, or if you would have told me that I'd be living in Utah and I would love it, I would have laughed.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I would have said, There's no way.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um during this time when I moved up, it was truly the first time where I was away from family.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I did serve uh LDS mission.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but even then it was it was different because you know that you're only out there for two years and that the time will end and you'll be back with with your family eventually.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like you you have a timeline in sight.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: But this was the first time I was truly alone.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was the first time that I decided, I had the decision that I made that I was gonna leave the environment I grew up in.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna leave Arizona.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when you make a move like that, there's so much excitement at first.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that you've got a new place, there's new opportunities.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you have a new life, you know, it's it's a chance for you to meet people and and really think about how you want them to remember you and how you want them to perceive you and and to um you know to to make opportunities from the things that you do in new places.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And um, if you've ever moved, you know, I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like there is a lot of excitement, but once that excitement kind of fades, reality sets in.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you wake up one day and you realize you don't actually know anyone around you.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: At least that's what happened to me.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I had some family up in Utah.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, they were nearby, but you know, they had families, they they were doing things that they needed to do, like work and take care of their kids.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so we didn't spend a lot of time together.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And outside of that, I was really on my own.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And my routine looked like this I would wake up, I would go to the gym early in the morning, I'd go to work, I would come home, I would cook dinner, and then work on or record the podcast, and then repeat the whole thing the next day.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it was probably a good seven months before um I started being social again, and that was hard.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Everything I was doing was on my own.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I would go to the gym by myself when prior to that, Drew and I, my brother, we would work out all the time.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um I had to go to work by myself, and of course, there were people there who I really loved.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh pattern, I only have good things to say about it, and especially the people who work there, and I became friends with a lot of them, but again, the same kind of thing happened.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like they were all busy doing things after work, and um, I did hang out with a couple people uh occasionally, but like that was a very rare thing for me.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um and this whole experience is it was something that that I I haven't really talked about publicly, but looking back now, I can see exactly what was happening at that time.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I lacked human connection, like I felt like I was lost.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like you know, that loneliness feeling obviously was very heavy at the time, but I felt lost.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I I didn't know what I would I'm supposed to be doing with with my time, and um that was hard.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I wasn't building relationships, I wasn't spending time with people, I wasn't creating a community, and there were even nights when this is kind of a sad story, but there were nights where I would record a podcast episode, I would upload it, sit back, and realize I might be talking into a void.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a weird feeling.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, here I am, I'm I'm working on creating something that I care about, and I'm speaking from the heart, and it feels like nobody is there to hear it.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I remember finishing episodes, sitting there in my apartment and thinking, man, what am I doing?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: What am I doing?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: What's the purpose of all this?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: There was activity in my life.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was working, I was training, I was building the podcast, but activity and connection are not the same thing.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what was the missing piece in this situation.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Marcus Aurelius once wrote, What is not good for the hive is not good for the bee.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Human beings are social creatures.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know this.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We are wired for connection.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's all it is.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we love being around people.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're an introvert, you need human connection.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you can't go through life alone.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a heavy thing to have to do.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're trying to do it alone, it's pretty tough.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's why community is very important.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And when that connection is missing, you feel it.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, even if you quite can't quite explain why, you can feel it.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, I felt like I was lost.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't because my life was falling apart, it was great.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had a great um situation.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I I, you know, was very disciplined with my work and my training and the podcast.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, I did do a lot during that time, but I was missing something that was essential, which is connection.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it took me a while to understand what that was.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, fast forward to today, recently, I'm gonna talk a little bit about my new job.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I started a new one, it's fully remote, and I'll be honest with you, I was very scared.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've worked one remote job before, and it was not my favorite.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's really difficult.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I was scared for a lot of reasons.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: That being one, the other, the fact that, you know, there was a mountain of information in front of me that I needed to learn.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: There were new systems, new responsibilities, new expectations.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it really tested me.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Still is testing me.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And there were moments in those first couple weeks where I thought, am I actually going to be able to do this thing?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, I am used to being in environments where if I have a question, I can just ask my manager or I can ask another team member.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they're sitting right there.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, with remote positions, it's interesting because everything is done on Slack or Zoom, and um it feels like it's almost like when you're playing a video game and you're going through, let's just say you're in a town and we're playing Oblivion here.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: So you're walking through the towns in Oblivion, and you go and you talk to uh an NPC, is what they're called, a non-playable character.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you go and you talk to them, and it gives you a list of things that you can say to them, like, oh, you can choose this response or this response or this one.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, you have a conversation with this person, um, you're selecting what text you want your character to say to that person, and they will respond with canned canned messages, like already predetermined messages.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of what it feels like working in a remote job, to be completely honest.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I'm working, I have to be careful with what I say, but it's like I'm working with a bunch of NPCs.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like it's hard to get that connection through a Zoom call.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I was struggling during that time because, like, I like I said, I was not used to an environment like that.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I like being around people, especially in work environments.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I I like having um other people who are uh determined and trying to work towards the same goal together and around me.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's the truth.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: But um a couple weeks ago, I I started really getting anxious and I was feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I needed to learn.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was feeling alone, even though you know I'm working from home.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have Allie here and my brother-in-law's here, and I still felt lonely.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um didn't even know if like this is the actual thing I I I wanted to do, or like I wasn't expecting certain things with this new position.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I didn't know what to do.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was kind of stuck, a little bit trapped.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I felt like I needed to do something.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I did was I started reaching out to people.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: I went over and talked to my dad for a long time.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Tell him I told him everything that I'm feeling, all the things that I'm going through, and my concerns and worries.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And he sat there and listened.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And he's a great dad.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: He gave me some good advice.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's something I'm truly grateful for.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I spent time with my brother.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I went to my nephew's baseball game and watched him, um, you know, the bomb squad, that's their name.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Legit.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're actually number one in their league, so that's right.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm proud uncle.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but I also would talk to Allie on our walks.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we would just she would just let me vent and she would listen, offer advice.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so grateful for that woman.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: She is the best.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: But when I was doing all this, something became very clear.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Connection gives you strength, real strength.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not motivational Instagram quote strength, nothing like that, actual strength.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: The kind where when you're carrying something heavy, and suddenly you're not carrying it alone anymore.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: I realized something about myself during this time.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I often imagine myself as someone who helps other people.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: I like to be known as um someone who helps out, who uh people can rely on, and people can, you know, know that okay, yeah, if I ask Brett to do something, he'll be there, he'll help me out.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: I always want to make sure everyone's taken care of.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I'm someone who tries to be strong, I'm someone who tries to carry things and not put that burden on other people.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is, I'm human.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm human.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have these same doubts, the same fears, the same moments where things feel overwhelming, and leaning on the people around me reminded me of something important.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: A village is not just a group of people you hang out with.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is not what we're talking about here.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: A village is a group of people who make you stronger.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it is.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Seneca wrote uh something that fits this perfectly.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: He said, We are waves of the same sea, leaves of the same tree.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're not really big into philosophy and you don't really care what the Stoics say, I'll sum it up like this.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: We're all in this together.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Allie and I, we actually, there's a oh shoot, why did I start this sentence?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Allie and I, uh the other day, last Sunday, we watched high school musical too.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and that was a common theme.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're all in this together.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's obviously not the song that they sang in it, but it was brought up a few times uh enough for me to note it here, and I'm really I shouldn't have said high school musical.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, we are all in this together, and we bleed the same blood.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter what race you are, doesn't matter what gender you are, doesn't matter what sexual orientation you have, what religion you believe, we're all the same.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: We are human beings, and we make each other stronger by coming together and doing so.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: That is how we do it.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you build a community.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You participate, but you also rely on them.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: We are not meant to carry life alone.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, we're gonna switch subjects a little bit, talking about why so many people feel lonely today, because it is a it's a big issue.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um and this is the interesting part.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness today is usually caused by a loneliness today isn't usually caused by a lack of people.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Most people actually know a ton of people.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like you can go and ask your buddy, like, hey, how many friends do you have?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, name all the people that you know.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: They probably sit there for a couple hours and tell you all the people who they've met in their life.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Larry, Jerry, Gary, Barry, all those people, you know.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, they know their coworkers, their old friends, online communities, their neighbors, but they lack consistent, meaningful interaction.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say they, I also include myself in this.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of humans, they lack consistent, meaningful interaction.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's key.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to be healthy, that is key.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: There was a study done looking at people who have spent time with their friends and uh who have like at least once a week go out and do something like, hey, they have a poker night, they go out to dinner with their buddies, uh, they go golfing, like anything like that.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And their general sense of happiness was rated much higher than people who don't do that.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a simple thing.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can go hang out with your buddies for a couple hours, one night a week, but the return that you get on that time spent together is amazing.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's great.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like you get so much back from that short amount of time that you're with people.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the biggest reasons for um the lack of connection that I'm talking about is the fact that we live in a digital world.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Most people spend time uh spend more time interacting with their phones than with the people that are around them.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of a sad thing.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's a little bit sad, honestly.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: You walk into a restaurant and half the room is staring down at a screen.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: You sit in a waiting room and everybody is scrolling.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even when people are together, sometimes they're still on their phones.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the tricky part scrolling creates the illusion of connection.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: You feel like you are interacting with people, you see their lives, you comment, you like things.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're doing something, you're being social, right?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: But you're not actually building relationships.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Be honest with yourself.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're not actually building relationships through by saying, Oh, so happy for you guys, you went to Peru.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or um, your outfit is awesome.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Are you actually building a connection with interactions like that if you're commenting on people's things?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you really liked what that person posted, maybe you should give them a call and say, hey, tell me about your trip.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: How does how did that go?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: It seemed awesome.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: I saw a bunch of pictures of llamas when you're in Peru.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me about that.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you want to learn more about them, people want to talk about themselves.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've learned that.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: People want to talk about themselves.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you give them an ear to listen, you'll make a friend.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, it's interesting, but real connection requires presence, conversation, shared experiences.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason people are lonely, in my opinion, and from my observations, is comfort.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Comfort makes people lonely.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: How does that happen?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm about to tell you.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's uncomfortable to introduce yourself to someone new.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's uncomfortable to invite someone to something, it's uncomfortable to risk rejection.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: All those things, you know, you can be anxious about each and every one of those.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: So many people stay safe.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: They like to stay in their routines.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I am victim to this at times, not victim.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um I don't like that word victim.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: I am guilty of this at times.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the irony.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Most people are lonely.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: And they are waiting for someone else to make the first move.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's like dating, guys.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta make the first move, you gotta be bold.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Research actually shows something interesting about social interaction.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, people consistently underestimate how much others want to connect.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning this when you invite someone to a movie or a run or to dinner, you're usually not bothering them.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're solving the exact same problem that they have.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's being alone.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: And just by reaching out and saying, Hey, you want to go catch a movie?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, what's the worst that can happen there?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: They say no, okay.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Invite someone else.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um this brings us back to the phrase my wife said if you want a village, be a villager.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Community does not happen by accident, it happens through participation.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a lot of action that has to be done.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: You have to show up, you have to initiate, you have to build environments where connection can happen.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that requires boldness.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the times it does.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: I experience this all the time with a podcast.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like every time I invite someone on to the show, there's always a chance they say no.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: But there's also a chance that they say yeah.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if they say no, that's fine.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: I move on, go to the next one.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: And the same principle applies to friendships.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: You might, you know, let's say you're gonna get more active, you're you want to go to a run club, you might make a friend that day, but you also might not.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you go to a gym class, you might not connect with someone immediately, but over time you might.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if something doesn't feel like it's working, be patient, stay consistent.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, especially with those scenarios like the gym class or um a run club, a lot of the times you have to go and participate until people actually notice you.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're just in the back hiding, not trying to interact with other people, you're just there telling yourself.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm trying to be social.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: When in reality you don't want to talk to anybody, you can't come banging on my door saying how sad you are that you don't have connection if you're not willing to put in the work to do it.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's getting after it.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: The reason I'm talking about loneliness on this episode is because it requires action to get out of this.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I might be sounding harsh, but it's the truth is, is if you are lacking connection, if you feel that you are, you need to do something about it.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to happen if you just wait and wait for people to come and want to be your friend.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're not going to come knocking on your door and say, hey, Brett, do you want to do you wanna play?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're 10 years old.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're not going to do that.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: It requires effort on both sides.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the key is really putting yourself in environments where connection is possible and doing it consistently.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because friendships do not form from one interaction.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: You might have an acquaintance that way, but that's not a friendship.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: They form from repeated interactions.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: You have to understand that it's going to take time.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Anything valuable in life, anything worthwhile, typically takes time.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: You want to get into shape?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to take some, it's going to take a minute.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: You want to earn more money at your job?
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you better figure out how to do it and you better do the best work that you can to get there.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: You want to become a parent?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: You got to wait.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta wait eight, uh you gotta wait nine months and then you gotta slowly get into the point where you're a parent.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: You learn how to do it.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is everything worthwhile in life that is hard to get typically takes time.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: So be patient during this process.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: There could be times when you feel like, man, I've been to this gym class five times and I've tried talking to people, and I really haven't connected with anyone.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's a possibility.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the more that you stay, the more that you try and interact with other people, the better chance you have to actually do what you're trying to accomplish, and that's build friendships.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Learn more about people and enjoy your time with them.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about friendships now.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let's talk about five practical ways to build real friendships.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we're not gonna be talking about theory here, not vague advice.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: These are real strategies.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: I looked this up, I tried finding good sources on this on how to build friendships and how to build community.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the first one is create default social time.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Friendships often disappear because everything requires planning.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: You say things like, hey, we should hang out.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: But that, you know, that time never comes because you didn't follow up with them.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't actually schedule something or say, hey, yeah, let's go to dinner at 5 p.m.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: or hey, you want to meet up for a walk at four?
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you have to take steps to actually do that.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: And my advice here, and in what I learned, is that you need to create default social time.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that could be things like a weekly run club, Sunday dinner with friends or family, Thursday gym session where you go to a class and you talk to two or three people there, a Saturday morning hike with your buddies.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: When something is happening every week, the planning barrier just disappears.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: It is removed.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, relationships naturally start to develop.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you're putting yourself somewhere, you know, every single week trying to work on this thing with people who are also doing the same, those friendships will flourish.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: They will build.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why environments like churches, sports teams, and clubs create strong friendships.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because people see each other on a regular basis.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Number two is do activities together.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: People bond faster through shared effort, not just sitting around talking.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: While that does build bonds, doing something helps expedite that process.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Things like running, hiking, training, volunteering, learning something together.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's something powerful about a shared challenge.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: One of my favorite books that was turned into a TV show is Band of Brothers.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: The reason being, if you read that book, everyone in the beginning, they all hate each other.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: They do not want to be there.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: They do not want to do all the training that um their what is it called?
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Their commanders.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, the higher-ups, they don't want to do all the training that they're forcing them to do.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: But when you read the book, or if you watch the show, you see how these men who do not really care about one another in the beginning become brothers.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is one, it's one of my favorite things.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I love that book.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: I love that show.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it just shows you the power of, you know, if you do something difficult together, and obviously, let me pull back here because none of us are going to be fighting um, you know, the battle of the bulge.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: We're not doing what heroes did.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what we're doing here.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to explain that, you know, that is that is something that works.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Is is when you suffer together, you become bonded.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um there really is something powerful about a shared challenge.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, it doesn't have to be just you know, the band of brothers, the 101st airborne unit.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's things like teammates on a sports team, training partners, preparing for a race.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: Struggle bonds people.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: And Seneca once said fire tests gold, adversity tests brave men.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: And shared adversity, shared effort, that brings people together.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Number three is be the initiator.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Most people are waiting.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know this, we've been talking about this.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: They're waiting for someone else to make that first move.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: But the people who build strong communities usually do one simple thing, and they initiate.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, you want to grab a drink?
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm going on a run Saturday.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: You want to come?
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, by the way, we're making tacos Tuesday night.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can come over if you like.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: We'll have plenty.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, simple invitations, low pressure.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the worst thing that happens is someone says no.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: But the best thing that happens is you start building real friendships.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Seems like a very, very uh easy trade-off.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: They either say no or you get closer with them.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also, I don't know, this also could happen where you invite them over for tacos and you realize maybe I don't have to spend a lot of time with this person.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I don't like them as much as I thought I did.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't happen a lot, but I'm just saying, like, at least you will know, right?
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then you can focus on something else.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Number four is limit your passive social media time.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Social media on its own isn't inherently a bad thing.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: I love social media.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: I spent a lot of time um preparing for the podcast by like looking at what other people are saying and and listening or watching a bunch of philosophy TikToks.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or um, I've also been getting recently like hype Jesus videos, which are awesome.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's always like um some guy saying something about like it's like a preacher or or someone just like saying how much they love Jesus, and then it's like cuts to all these really cool photos of Jesus.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: So my for you page is all over the place, but hype Jesus has been in there and I love it.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um but passive scrolling back to this often replaces real interaction.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: And a simple rule that works for a lot of people is this you replace 30 minutes of scrolling with real interaction.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: You need to maybe you just call a friend, you can text someone, invite someone to go to lunch.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: But real connection beats digital connection every time.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Every time.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was listening to a podcast with Theo Vaughn and Chris Hemsworth, of all people, and it was really funny because they started talking about how online, you know, people are just so ruthless, they're so mean.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of the times it's because they don't feel like there's another person on the other side.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was funny because Theo was talking about how, you know, when he was growing up in high school, if you wanted to tell someone that they were fat, you had to go up to their face and say, hey, you're fat.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: But he also said that that was usually followed up by, you know, a swift right hook to the head.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then you learn, okay, well, I'm not gonna call people fat because obviously not a good thing.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you learn your lesson that way.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: And he was saying how it's interesting now because you know, you could say all sorts of things on social media, you can comment all kinds of crap on people's stuff, and people are ruthless in the comments.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: Go on TikTok, just read a few of them.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think people understand that they're talking to another person.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's interesting.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it, like I said, with the NPC thing, a lot of the time it feels like that you everyone you see on TikTok or Instagram or Facebook, YouTube, it feels like they're NPCs sometimes because you don't have that connection.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of scrolling, try and be intentional with your time and spend 30 minutes trying to interact with someone.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: FaceTime column, whatever.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just spend time trying to talk to someone.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: The fifth is build third places.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, a third place is somewhere you go regularly besides home and work.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's a third place.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: Historically, this is where most friendships are formed.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, examples for this include the gym, you can say coffee shops, uh, churches, run clubs, like rock climbing gyms, community centers, anywhere that you can spend a lot of time doing something that you enjoy as an activity, you can pickleball, racquetball, basketball, whatever, any of the balls.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um that is a place where you can meet people and invite people to and have fun with them.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, even if it's church, hey, you want to come worship with me on Sunday?
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: If they say no, okay, fine.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: But at least the invite's out there.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: These places, they create natural interaction, natural, repeated interaction, in fact.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: And because you see the same people all the time, you start those conversations, you have those conversations.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Small interactions slowly turn into friendships that last.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're trying to build here are friendships that last.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: So we don't have to do life alone.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's the goal.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I have a underrated solution to loneliness.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is Brett Rossell's underrated solution to loneliness.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: So get ready, gear up for this.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's one more thing that helps people reduce loneliness, and it's something that many people they often overlook.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's helping others.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Helping others has always been something that immediately makes me feel like I'm not lonely.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard to explain how that makes you feel until you experience it yourself.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: But loneliness decreases dramatically, in my experience, when people feel they are needed.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be something that's very simple.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: You could do things like mentoring someone, hosting events, hosting dinners, like the taco night, volunteering, teaching someone, going over and helping someone in their yard.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you have a grandparent that needs a little help around the yard, go help that person.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because serving others creates meaningful connection.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: It creates meaning for you, but it also shows that person that you care.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: And they will they will reciprocate that well.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: And often the fastest way to build relationships is to contribute to other people's lives.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: If they know that you care, you will get closer to that person.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: One of my favorite examples of this is my brother Drew.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we we've always been close, but I would say in the past two years, we've gotten closer than we ever have been.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of the times it's because we work on the same goals together, we train together, and and he came to me early on and was like, I just I need help training, and I need you to get me into shape.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: And because I helped him, like, one, I saw what he was doing, I was very impressed with his transformation and and everything that he was trying to accomplish and cleaning up his diet, and two, I think because I helped him.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: I could be speaking just completely out of whack here.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, Drew, if this is wrong, please correct me.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like because I helped him, he was grateful for that, and we just became even closer because you know, I stepped in and helped.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: He helped me with a few things, and now we're like close.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: I I wouldn't say, yeah, I don't know, but we are very close.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're we are brothers, and that carries a lot of weight.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if you feel like you're lonely, find a way that you can serve someone else.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: Volunteer, do whatever you have to do, but just try.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to leave you with a challenge.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening to this episode and you feel lonely, here's the challenge.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: Three things you have to try this week.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: Three things.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can do that.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: You got a lot of time, you can work this in there.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: First, invite what invite one person to something.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: The gym, a walk, dinner.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: Make it low pressure, but invite someone.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they say no, you did your part.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I would I would push you to uh invite someone else if that person said no.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: Second, you need to attend one group activity.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: That could be a run club, a gym class, church, or some kind of volunteer event.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: Put yourself out there and go to some kind of group activity.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: Third, replace 30 minutes of scrolling with real interaction.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, call someone, text someone, go meet someone.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: Friendships take time, just like fitness, just like discipline, just like anything worth building.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: But if you stay consistent, connection will happen.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because villages aren't found, they are built.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: One conversation, one invitation, one shared experience at a time.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want a village, you need to be a villager.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's an important thing for all of us to work on.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because in a in a in a era of social media and being digitally connected, it feels like we've lost a lot of that.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: We've lost a lot of you know that connection.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it makes me sad a little bit because I I love people.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love being around people.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it's sad that a lot of people feel that way, that you know, there's no one who understands them.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's no one that they can reach out to.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have any close friends, they don't have any close family.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that hurts me.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's that makes me sad.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if that is you, please, please reach out, either to me or to someone.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be the initiator.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this is this is more advice to you if you feel like you're struggling with loneliness, but be the initiator and be patient.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: But you have to work on actually showing up.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: Being someone who actually participates in regular events with other people or um volunteers on a regular basis, like just start getting consistent with that.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: Connection will show up, but it takes time.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you feel like it's not happening as quickly as you would like, you're not doing anything wrong.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: It just hasn't happened yet.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to have that perspective and stay, stay in the fight because it's worth fighting.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: None of us are meant to carry life alone.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: Life can be very heavy at times, just like how it's been very heavy for me these past few weeks.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just like it was heavy for me when I moved up to Utah on my own.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or when I'm training for a race and I'm very close to the actual race date, you know, it's it's tough.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: But when you have people by your side who care about you, who you care about, it makes it a little bit lighter.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I was saying earlier about how I reached out to my dad, my brother, and talked to Allie, I found real strength in that.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of the reasons why people have anxiety or or depression these days is because they don't have that social connection that we used to have.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if I if I wanted to go hang out with friends back in the day when I was young, I had to go to their house.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I would have to be like, hey, I'm coming over.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: I just ride my bike over there and knock on their door and say, hey, do you want to hang out?
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: But it takes effort like that.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you're an introvert, find something that introverts like doing.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a video game club.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: But just do not get discouraged.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, if you are consistent, if you continue to work on this on a regular basis, it will happen for you.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to have that perspective.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I really appreciate you all for listening to this episode.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the last thing I'll say on this, it's kind of the reason I wanted to do this episode, hold myself accountable to this.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, I talk a lot about how getting after it, I want it to be a community.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: But to be completely honest, I'm not doing much to make that happen.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so, me saying this, I want to make it very clear that there's going to be a shift in the podcast.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: I am going to shift my strategy and what I'm talking about.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: We will still cover topics, we'll do standalone topics, but I want people on the show.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's the truth.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to talk about what they've experienced, what things that they've learned.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, I feel like I have learned a lot myself just by doing solo studies and getting ready for the episodes.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a completely different thing when you learn from other people's experiences.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I want that for the show.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_00: I want that for you guys to be able to hear other people who might, you know, have something to say that could help you.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: And if I want a village, I need to be a villager and work on building in this community.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you know anyone who you think would like to be on this podcast, or if you want to be on yourself, send me a message on uh getting after.co on Instagram.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, same with TikTok.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or you can email.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's a link down in uh in the show notes where it says send us a text.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead and send me something.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because I would love to talk to you.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to bring more people on the show.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: We only get better together.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of where my head's at right now with uh getting after it is I want other people on to share their own experiences.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: But until we get to that point, um, if this was helpful at all, I would love it if you rated the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_00: That always helps, helps give it a little bit more visibility and and um get some more insight into uh you know the algorithm.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, but really, if this helped, share it with someone.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um but lastly, just stay patient during this process because it is a process, it takes time.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you might not feel like you have a lot of friends now, but the more you work on it, it's just like a muscle.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: It'll get stronger and those connections will form.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: You will have friends.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness sucks.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you can do something about it though.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: Appreciate you all for listening.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for tuning in to Getting After It.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, keep getting after it, my friends.