Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #34 What to do when you’re having ‘one of those days’

Transcript

#34 What to do when you’re having ‘one of those days’ · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coils
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Speaker 1: and we are Lukin Susie and this is the podcast
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Speaker 1: for time poor parents who just want answers.
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Speaker 2: Now, Justin, I recently had one of those days with
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Speaker 2: the kids, and when I went to school, I found
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Speaker 2: out that every other mum in my class, it seemed,
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Speaker 2: also had one of those days on the same day,
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Speaker 2: where it was all we could say was do something,
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Speaker 2: and all the kids could say was no. And it
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Speaker 2: just seemed like there was this budding heads that was
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Speaker 2: happening between parent and child across the city. It was
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Speaker 2: just a universal principle for that day. But those days happen,
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Speaker 2: how do we as parents survived them? And how do
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Speaker 2: how do our children thrive in them?
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Speaker 3: I'm feeling your pain because with six kids, you can
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Speaker 3: bet your boots that on any morning.
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Speaker 4: It's going to happen. And oh boy, it's tough.
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Speaker 3: Look, I don't think if I can actually be a
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Speaker 3: little bit straight, I don't think that there's a one
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Speaker 3: size fits all answer here. So I'm going to give
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Speaker 3: you a bunch of ideas, and on some days there'll
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Speaker 3: be the worst idea you could ever get, and on
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Speaker 3: other days it could just be your saving grace. Case
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Speaker 3: in point, one of my kids, yesterday, she woke up and.
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Speaker 4: From the minute she opened her eyes and she needed
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Speaker 4: a bit of help to even do that.
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Speaker 3: I literally had my hands on her face, just gently openings.
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Speaker 3: From that moment, I knew that it was going to
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Speaker 3: be one of those mornings with her.
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Speaker 4: And it was bedlam. I mean, it was just horrible.
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Speaker 3: She was angry and cruel and all that sort of stuff.
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Speaker 3: Even parenting experts have kids who are like that from
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Speaker 3: time to time. And as it turns out, we just
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Speaker 3: my wife and I, Kylie and I looked at each
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Speaker 3: other and said, she can have a day off today
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Speaker 3: and she can just help around the house, she can
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Speaker 3: go back to bed, she can have a bit of
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Speaker 3: a sleep, and we'll just we'll just deal with it.
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Speaker 3: We're in a fortunate situation where I work from home,
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Speaker 3: and I know not everybody can do this, and my wife, Kylie, well,
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Speaker 3: we've got six kids, so we can't afford for her
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Speaker 3: to go out and get a job because we needed
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Speaker 3: to work at home, and so we were able to
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Speaker 3: deal with that. We had another situation recently where one
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Speaker 3: of the kids, again one of those mornings, and we
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Speaker 3: looked at the clock, we looked at what our schedule
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Speaker 3: was going to allow, and it was a pretty tight
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Speaker 3: and nasty schedule. But things were so bad that we
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Speaker 3: just said to her, you know what, why don't you
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Speaker 3: just go and hop back into bed and you can
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Speaker 3: come back out when you're ready. Just you go and
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Speaker 3: read a book, make yourself comfortable. You're not in trouble.
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Speaker 3: We're under deadlines, but we'll work it out because you
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Speaker 3: do it, you know, as a parent, you just kind
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Speaker 3: of work it out. You get flexible and fix stuff.
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Speaker 3: And she went to bed, and she suddenly had this
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Speaker 3: sense that she had choice in her life. And so
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Speaker 3: once she realized that we weren't making her do anything,
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Speaker 3: she actually got out of bed about fifteen minutes later,
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Speaker 3: and next thing you know, she's in the living room
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Speaker 3: with a school form on and shoes and socks done up,
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Speaker 3: hair brushed, teeth done, and she was like, I'm ready
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Speaker 3: to go to school now. I think sometimes we put
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Speaker 3: too much pressure on the kids and on ourselves, and
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Speaker 3: we make things really hard for ourselves.
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Speaker 1: But right there, in those moments, you gave permission for
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Speaker 1: them to do something that's not supposed to happen.
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Speaker 3: Justin ru to explode, breaking the red and I guess
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Speaker 3: this is what we've got to think.
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Speaker 4: Well, what's what matters most here?
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Speaker 3: Do I have to If you've got to catch an aeroplane,
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Speaker 3: if you've got to be somewhere at a certain time
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Speaker 3: and there's no flex then sometimes you just got to grab.
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Speaker 4: Them by the collar and say let's go. It's on.
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Speaker 3: I'm sorry, I wish I wasn't doing this to you,
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Speaker 3: but we've just got to go. But quite often we
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Speaker 3: make emergencies when they don't really exist. True, I had
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Speaker 3: an incident with one of my kids years and years
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Speaker 3: and years ago. It's probably my favorite story to tell.
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Speaker 3: It's about a bag.
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Speaker 2: Well, let's catch that full story in just a moment
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Speaker 2: Justin as we catch up with doctor Justin Coilson on
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Speaker 2: the whole topic of when you're having one of those days.
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Speaker 5: More shortly, Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most
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Speaker 5: respected parenting voices. His seminars have equipped and empowered thousands
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Speaker 5: of parents to make their families happier. But sometimes getting
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Speaker 5: to a parenting seminar can be tough work and other commitments.
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Speaker 5: Then there's the issue of the children and babysitters. Now
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Speaker 5: you can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from the
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Speaker 5: comfort of your own home and at a time that
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Speaker 5: works for you. Sit in on one of doctor Justin's
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Speaker 5: parenting seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity.
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Speaker 5: You'll learn how to build a strong connection with your children,
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Speaker 5: how to really understand them, and how to get discipline right.
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Speaker 5: What your child needs from you a seminar from doctor
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Speaker 5: Justin Coulson. Download this ninety minute seminar now or purchase
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Speaker 5: the DVD at Happy families dot com dot au.
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Speaker 2: You're with a Happy Family's podcast with Doctor Justin Coulson
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Speaker 2: as we talk about what happens when you're having one
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Speaker 2: of those days and if she promised us one of
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Speaker 2: your favorite stories about one of those days, Dr Justin.
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Speaker 3: On this particular morning in our home, I get the
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Speaker 3: kids lunches and breakfasts. Well, actually they're big enough to
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Speaker 3: do most of it themselves now, but I guide the
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Speaker 3: process and oversee it, and I get myself organized as
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Speaker 3: walks on in a bit of time too. And Kylie
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Speaker 3: she sort of works on the bedrooms and she works
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Speaker 3: on the kid's uniforms and hair and all that sort
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Speaker 3: of stuff. Once again, the kids are old enough to
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Speaker 3: do this stuff themselves, but we guide the process. This
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Speaker 3: particular morning, Ella was sitting on the couch, hair everywhere,
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Speaker 3: morning breath that you could smell two rooms away.
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Speaker 4: You know what, You know what I'm talking about talking about.
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Speaker 4: And when I said to her, Hey, what would you
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Speaker 4: like for breakfast? Let me help you.
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Speaker 3: You look like you're having a rough morning, she just
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Speaker 3: stared straight ahead didn't answer. So I walked oversa beside her,
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Speaker 3: put my arm around and I said, hey, I'm here
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Speaker 3: to help. Let me get you some breakfast.
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Speaker 4: What would you like?
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Speaker 3: And she just looked at me and nearly made me
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Speaker 3: pass out with the breath. And she said, and I'm
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Speaker 3: not going to school today. And I said, well, let's
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Speaker 3: not worry about school right now. Let's just worry about breakfast.
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Speaker 3: How can I help you?
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Speaker 4: And she said, I'm not going to school today. She
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Speaker 4: was so serious about it.
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Speaker 3: So I took a big, deep breath and I said, well,
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Speaker 3: it sounds like you'd really like to stay at home.
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Speaker 3: Would you like to tell me why you don't want
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Speaker 3: to go to school? She basically said, I don't want
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Speaker 3: to go to school because I need a new school bag. Okay,
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Speaker 3: you know what, let me have a look at the bag.
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Speaker 3: I looked at the bag. Nothing seemed to be wrong
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Speaker 3: with it. I thought, she just needs some time. I'll
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Speaker 3: give her some time. I looked after everyone else, and
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Speaker 3: then I looked at the clock, had heart failure. Called
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Speaker 3: out to Kylie. Honey, I've got to go catch an eerplane.
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Speaker 3: I've got to fly to Brisbane. We were living in
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Speaker 3: Wollongong at the time. I said, I've got to fly
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Speaker 3: to Brisbane. I got to go and make some other
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Speaker 3: people's families happy. I'll see you tomorrow. Ella doesn't want
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Speaker 3: to go to school till she's got a new school bag.
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Speaker 3: She doesn't need a new school bag. We're not buying
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Speaker 3: a new bag. See if you can understand what's going on.
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Speaker 3: Good luck, goodbye, excellent.
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Speaker 4: If I went, but I got a call from that's
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Speaker 4: the end of this topic. Well, here's the really important thing.
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Speaker 3: I got a call from Kylie a little bit later,
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Speaker 3: and she said to me, I'd just gone through airport security.
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Speaker 4: She said, it's a couple of minutes to nine. Ella
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Speaker 4: is on the couch. She's upset. We're not getting anywhere.
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Speaker 4: What do I do?
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Speaker 3: Kylie had somewhere to be, but it was one of
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Speaker 3: those things where she could probably be twenty minutes later.
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Speaker 4: She had to be. It was not good, but she
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Speaker 4: could get away with it.
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Speaker 3: And I said the school would rather that she shows
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Speaker 3: up fifteen minutes late and happy than two minutes early
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Speaker 3: and crying. So sit with her and try to really understand.
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Speaker 3: Kylie sat with her long story very short, finally started
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Speaker 3: to make some progress. What's going on? I want a
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Speaker 3: new bag? Why do you want a new bag? There's
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Speaker 3: nothing the matter with the bag. Kylie went and opened
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Speaker 3: the bag by the way, and she found something that
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Speaker 3: I'd missed. It was something that was once food. We
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Speaker 3: didn't know what food it had been, so she cleaned
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Speaker 3: it out. She fumigated it.
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Speaker 4: She nearly incinerated the bag, it was that bad. But
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Speaker 4: she got it.
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Speaker 3: Clean and smelling nice and packed it up and said, Ella,
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Speaker 3: you don't need a new bag. You can take this
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Speaker 3: bag to school. Ella would not budge until finally Kylie said,
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Speaker 3: I can't help you if you don't tell me why
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Speaker 3: you need a new bag. And at that point Ella said,
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Speaker 3: I need a new bag because I don't have any friends.
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Speaker 3: And Kylie said, well, that's awful, you know. She gave
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Speaker 3: her a big hug, and she said, I don't understand, though,
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Speaker 3: why do you need a new school bag if you
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Speaker 3: don't have any friends. And at that point, Ella, in
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Speaker 3: her little six or seven year old brain, explained, if
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Speaker 3: we go to the shops, I can buy a really
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Speaker 3: cool bag and when I walk into the playground.
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Speaker 4: All of the kids will see it, and.
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Speaker 3: I'll be popular because they'll want to talk to me
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Speaker 3: because my bag is so cool. See, form follows feelings.
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Speaker 3: If we just concentrate on the behavior the form and
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Speaker 3: we ignore the feelings, we miss out on what's actually
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Speaker 3: going on in their lives. They're only misbehaving, they're only
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Speaker 3: being challenging because there's something wrong, and it's our job
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Speaker 3: to be really careful investigators and get to the bottom
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Speaker 3: of it so that we can help them.
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Speaker 4: To feel better. Because when they feel better, we just
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Speaker 4: don't have those mornings.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true.
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Speaker 1: It almost breaks my heart. I'm almost the thought of us.
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Speaker 1: But the six year olds deal with those pressures that
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Speaker 1: adults have.
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Speaker 3: Days like that, we do, you know, I know we're
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Speaker 3: out of time, but really, really quickly. That morning, I
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Speaker 3: was so close to saying, hey, let me kick your bum,
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Speaker 3: you're off to school, don't be silly, parenting expert at
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Speaker 3: his best right. And had I done that, she would
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Speaker 3: have gone to school to a place where she felt
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Speaker 3: like she had no friends and no one cared and
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Speaker 3: no one understood, knowing that that afternoon she was going
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Speaker 3: to have to return home to a place where she
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Speaker 3: had no friends, no one cared, and no one understood, and.
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Speaker 2: Still with something in her bag that could not be.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, doctor Justin Gilson, we've learned so much.
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Speaker 2: Thank you so much for your time. We appreciate it,
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Speaker 2: and don't forget if you want some more information on
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Speaker 2: any topic to do with parenting. And we know it's
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Speaker 2: such a broad spectrum. There's some incredible resources that Justin
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Speaker 2: has created. There's books, there's podcasts, there's programs. You can
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Speaker 2: find them all at Happy Families dot com dot au,
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Speaker 2: or you can even have him come and speak at
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Speaker 2: your school or an organization where you can meet him
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Speaker 2: face to face and maybe even ask some of those
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Speaker 2: questions that you have, like mine, what do you do
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Speaker 2: on a bad day? Justin Coulson dot com is where
10:15
Speaker 2: you can find out more about that.
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Speaker 1: I'm not sure we'll have to check with Justin. Is
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Speaker 1: your wife available, because if they want the topics on
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Speaker 1: how to check your kids school bad, we might need her.
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Speaker 4: Sometimes. I think she's much wiser than me.