Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting in the Trenches: Finding Light in the Everyday Struggles | Ep. 137

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Parenting in the Trenches: Finding Light in the Everyday Struggles | Ep. 137 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Parenting can sometimes feel like climbing a steep mountain, overwhelming and exhausting, with moments that might make you question if you're ready for it.
• 0:17
  Everything.
• 0:18
  Today on the Parenting Podcast, we're sharing a text from a parent who was right where you might be.
• 0:26
  Tired, uncertain, but still searching for hope.
• 0:32
  I'm Cheryl Lang, your host, and I'm so glad you're here today.
• 0:37
  If you're in need of encouragement or a bit of clarity, This episode is just for you.
• 0:44
  Take a deep breath, settle in, and let this be your safe space to find some peace today.
• 0:58
  Cheryl: Hello, you two beautiful ladies.
• 1:01
  Christie: Hi.
• 1:02
  Christie: Well, I'm here.
• 1:03
  Christie: I don't know about beautiful.
• 1:05
  Christie: I What?
• 1:05
  Christie: What?
• 1:05
  Christie: Well, just all this mess that I'm making with this sloshing of my coffee and my water.
• 1:10
  Christie: I just walked a block down the street and I'm wearing half of both beverages I brought with me.
• 1:15
  Christie: It's kind of the story of my life.
• 1:16
  Christie: Okay.
• 1:16
  Christie: It's even on your sheet.
• 1:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:18
  Christie: Well, at least it's not red
• 1:19
  Ellen: Kool Aid.
• 1:20
  Ellen: Well,
• 1:20
  Other: that's
• 1:21
  Cheryl (2): true.
• 1:21
  Cheryl (2): That's true.
• 1:21
  Cheryl (2): That would be bad.
• 1:23
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 1:23
  Cheryl (2): Or dye.
• 1:24
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 1:24
  Cheryl (2): I don't know.
• 1:25
  Cheryl (2): I I empathize with my friends because here we are, we're recording an audio podcast and I'm using my hands as I'm talking and so all the time I am knocking things over, you know,
• 1:37
  Ellen: I've hit people in the face before.
• 1:39
  Ellen: Because they'll be behind me and I'll make a gesture.
• 1:43
  Ellen: Oh gosh.
• 1:43
  Ellen: I'm sorry.
• 1:44
  Christie: Well, I was
• 1:44
  just trying to walk.
• 1:47
  Christie: So I don't know what my, my excuse is.
• 1:50
  So last night, we were at your celebration last night.
• 1:54
  Yeah.
• 1:54
  And I want to talk about that, but we were at your celebration, so we have water cups and things were sitting at the table and I'm talking with people I know or don't know and bam, my, my water cup all over the table and I just go, oh well.
• 2:08
  Ellen: Again it wasn't Kool Aid.
• 2:09
  Ellen: No, it wasn't.
• 2:11
  Ellen: It was just water.
• 2:12
  Cheryl (2): Water.
• 2:12
  Cheryl (2): So I feel your pain.
• 2:13
  Cheryl (2): Well, thank you for empathizing.
• 2:15
  Cheryl (2): You've probably been watching me too much.
• 2:17
  Cheryl (2): Yes,
• 2:18
  Christie: mimicking the great.
• 2:21
  Okay, so Ellen, I mentioned your celebration last night.
• 2:24
  Yeah.
• 2:24
  It's incredible.
• 2:26
  Listeners, we were celebrating Mike and Ellen's 50th wedding anniversary.
• 2:31
  Oh, yes.
• 2:33
  Christie: Congratulations.
• 2:33
  Christie: Thank
• 2:34
  Ellen: you.
• 2:34
  Ellen: It feels like it was yesterday.
• 2:36
  Ellen: Mike and I keep saying, I cannot believe it's been 50 years.
• 2:39
  Ellen: We've actually been together like 52, because we met in high school and dated, you know, exclusively, whatever that means in high school, and then, and then got married, Right when I graduated,
• 2:50
  I know you couldn't come.
• 2:51
  Yes, I was sad to miss you.
• 2:53
  I liked it because it was simple, but meaningful.
• 2:57
  And basically, it was divided half adults and half kids.
• 3:01
  Yeah.
• 3:01
  Yeah.
• 3:02
  I mean, her family, she's blessed with a large.
• 3:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:04
  Ellen: Yeah, it was perfect.
• 3:05
  Ellen: I mean, the kids planned it all, all of my adult children planned the whole thing, did all the food.
• 3:11
  Ellen: I mean, it was Hawaiian themed food.
• 3:13
  Ellen: It was Hawaiian themed.
• 3:14
  Ellen: Everything.
• 3:14
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:14
  Ellen: Because I think that was our family's favorite place we were stationed was Hawaii.
• 3:19
  Ellen: Lots of good memories
• 3:19
  Christie: there.
• 3:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:20
  Christie: It was really
• 3:20
  fun and it was simple.
• 3:22
  Okay.
• 3:22
  so her daughter interviewed both of them with some questions.
• 3:27
  And I liked one of the questions they asked and it may have been her final question because the others were, where did you enjoy living?
• 3:34
  Well, I could have answered that.
• 3:38
  And I haven't lived there.
• 3:39
  Right.
• 3:40
  So Ellen, I I thought it was a great question.
• 3:42
  Christy, they ask her and Mike, so how has your view of love changed after 50 years of this committed relationship?
• 3:53
  Ellen, share that, it doesn't even matter what you said then, I'd like you to share with us.
• 3:57
  How has your perception of love changed?
• 4:01
  Mm
• 4:01
  Other: hmm.
• 4:01
  well,
• 4:02
  Ellen: I think, you know, I can't remember what I said completely there because, you know, it was like extemporaneous, but um, I know that my love has changed because when you have that one person in your life, your spouse that you love deeply and you're able to cultivate that, you can have that.
• 4:20
  Ellen: It teaches you how to love other people.
• 4:22
  Ellen: So the love comes from you and your spouse.
• 4:25
  Ellen: And then it's easier to love your children, to love your family, extended family, to love your friends.
• 4:32
  Ellen: And I think that's what I found in my life is just, you know, having a committed love relationship where you, um, trust your spouse and love your spouse.
• 4:40
  Ellen: And, you know, not that we
• 4:42
  Ellen (2): were flawless or anything like that.
• 4:44
  Ellen (2): I don't mean that, but by just having a person that you love completely, it Teaches you how to love others.
• 4:50
  Ellen (2): Wow,
• 4:51
  Christie: and maybe more so because you weren't flawless I mean marriage is such a sanctifying work in a refining work.
• 4:59
  Christie: And that's what they parenting.
• 5:01
  That's what they alluded to because it wasn't like the same Wonderful.
• 5:05
  Oh, everything is going to work out and we're perfect right that you thought when you first fell in love and that's what you said the
• 5:12
  Cheryl (2): transforming power of that committed love through all the yuck.
• 5:17
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 5:18
  Cheryl (2): Then you can love all of us with all of our yuck.
• 5:20
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:22
  Ellen: Really, it's, it is true.
• 5:23
  Ellen: You just kind of, I mean, if you can accept and love each other.
• 5:27
  Ellen: commmitedly and regardless of then its a lot easier to love other people can love others
• 5:35
  Christie: and
• 5:35
  I'm sure to all of them.
• 5:37
  It was such an encouragement.
• 5:38
  Yeah, just stay in and fight the good fight, right?
• 5:41
  Because if Parenting's messy.
• 5:43
  Marriage is really messy, too.
• 5:45
  Christie: Well, it makes me think, I don't remember the exact quote, but something like, youth is wasted on the young or something.
• 5:50
  Christie: Yeah, that's true.
• 5:51
  Christie: And I just think about, like, with parenting, it's really a shame that we have to do it in our youth and immaturity.
• 5:57
  Christie: I mean, that's because we have stamina.
• 5:58
  Other: Right, right.
• 6:00
  Christie: And even if you have your kids later, you're still young in some ways because there's certain things only parenting or giving of yourself to another person can do to your heart, yeah.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: That's really true.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: And so it's so true.
• 6:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:12
  Cheryl: And so we'd like to encourage our listeners with this example In marriage, hang in there.
• 6:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:19
  Because even scientists and psychologists say, wait three years, fight for the next three years.
• 6:26
  Mm hmm.
• 6:27
  Because they have seen, statistically, if you can get through this hard period for three years, then you'll be in a better place.
• 6:35
  Ellen: And it does get better the longer you've been married.
• 6:38
  Ellen: You may have different struggles that you go through.
• 6:40
  Ellen: I mean, we're getting into our senior years, so that's going to be a whole new chapter of things we've never experienced before.
• 6:47
  Ellen: But at least we can experience them together.
• 6:49
  Ellen: You know, so So good.
• 6:51
  Other: Wow.
• 6:51
  Wow.
• 6:52
  That's so great.
• 6:53
  Okay, so turning to our subject for today, again, we've had so many good letters from different parents, and that's always fun.
• 7:01
  Yeah, I love that.
• 7:03
  Yeah, I love hearing from our listeners.
• 7:04
  Okay, but, this one's from a, it's from a mom, and she's pretty desperate, so I wanted to read it, and then hear how you would respond to it, okay?
• 7:15
  So, she says, hi there.
• 7:17
  I'm going through my homeschool stuff.
• 7:19
  Okay, so, this is clearly a homeschool parent, but I'm going to tell you what happens, applies to everybody.
• 7:27
  Alright, so if you're not homeschooled, don't hang up.
• 7:31
  I'm going through my homeschool stuff, just putting stuff away and reorganizing.
• 7:35
  I'm literally so close to hyperventilating.
• 7:39
  I'm so incredibly sad.
• 7:43
  I see all of this stuff and I see everything I wanted to do and how little I've actually done that I wanted to do and it makes me so sad and angry.
• 7:55
  I have flashbacks to their little faces and I wish I could go back and do it all over again and do it better.
• 8:01
  I feel so stuck.
• 8:04
  And overwhelmed.
• 8:06
  I want to start with today and move forward, but I feel so shaken by the past and I feel like I can't educate them, much less parent them.
• 8:17
  I just don't know what to do.
• 8:20
  I'm just so overwhelmed.
• 8:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:23
  Christie: Wow.
• 8:24
  Christie: Well, my first response is, did I write that to you?
• 8:27
  Christie: Was that a letter that I sent you?
• 8:30
  Christie: Because I feel like I've said those.
• 8:32
  Christie: Very same things to you before.
• 8:35
  And that's the first thing I would say is, not only do we feel your pain, we understand it.
• 8:40
  Yes, we've been there.
• 8:42
  Yes, you know, and it's, again, it's not exclusively at all homeschooling.
• 8:47
  Right.
• 8:48
  This is just a mom in a tough place.
• 8:51
  Mm hmm.
• 8:52
  Christie: Well, yeah, and I think, you know, we're going to, we're going to chat about this and offer encouragement.
• 8:56
  Christie: But like you said, Ellen, we've all been there and honestly, give me five to seven business days and I might be there again.
• 9:03
  Christie: I mean, like the emotions can just come overwhelming sometimes, you know, Even, or maybe especially, with now having all my kids grown to adulthood is, you know, all the regrets and all the woulda shoulda couldas and, and things that you look back over their years and you think, Oh, I was gonna do this and I wanted to do it this way and I didn't and How come we didn't read that?
• 9:26
  Christie: Or, oh, things I did with the first half of the kids and forgot to do with the second half of the kids.
• 9:32
  Christie: That's very true.
• 9:32
  Christie: Or this
• 9:33
  All of it.
• 9:33
  Everything we talk about, you know, I've said it before, but one of my children said, Oh, mom, you know, you did it perfectly.
• 9:39
  That's why you're doing the parenting podcast.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: we're
• 9:44
  Michelle: right?
• 9:46
  Well, you're not listening.
• 9:48
  Christie: Somebody's perception might be off.
• 9:50
  Because basically all we do is sit here and go, yeah, and I blew it that way.
• 9:54
  And then this was another mistake I made.
• 9:56
  And I think I would speak to this Mom, kind of what you were saying, Ellen, about marriage is that it's all a learning process, right?
• 10:06
  Mm-Hmm.
• 10:07
  And so we have to go through the pain and the suffering and the hard knocks of mistakes and different situations and.
• 10:16
  You know, in parenting, your children are always getting older, and they're expanding their horizons, and so it's always a learning curve.
• 10:25
  You haven't
• 10:25
  Ellen: been down this road before.
• 10:27
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:27
  Ellen: And I think somehow we think, well, I'm going to make this choice and I'm going to just be an expert at it.
• 10:33
  Ellen: And Right.
• 10:34
  Ellen: Thank you.
• 10:34
  Ellen: That might be if you maybe just had one kid, you might be able to do that.
• 10:38
  Ellen: But if you have more than one child, you could have it all down for the first.
• 10:42
  Ellen: And then the second one, they're completely different style, completely different things.
• 10:46
  Ellen: So you have to kind of start over again.
• 10:48
  Other: Right.
• 10:49
  Other: And the
• 10:49
  Ellen: bigger the family gets, the more stuff you have to be flexible for.
• 10:54
  Ellen: Even with an only child.
• 10:56
  Yeah, that child's going to be changing.
• 10:58
  Just this self criticism.
• 11:01
  You know, we want to be reflective and learn and be realistic, but this is harsh, self condemning criticism.
• 11:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:10
  Christie: Well, yeah, I think when we start out in parenting, you know, we all, we all can remember that friend who doesn't have children and is an expert on parenting.
• 11:20
  Christie: And we all used to be that person before we had children.
• 11:23
  Christie: And, and I think that's the standard we hold ourselves.
• 11:27
  Christie: And so just like you would discount that friend that knows nothing about parenting and, you know, you love them.
• 11:32
  Christie: You love having them around, but you're not going to, you know, take their advice too seriously.
• 11:36
  Christie: Do that for yourself.
• 11:38
  Christie: Like that, that standard you set for yourself that you're trying to meet, you know, Oh, I was going to do this and this.
• 11:44
  Christie: And I said, I would never do these things.
• 11:46
  Christie: And now I have.
• 11:47
  Christie: And, you know, That person didn't have experience in parenting that set that standard up for you.
• 11:53
  Ellen: Christy, you know, even beyond that, I think it's, In our minds, we can do this with everything.
• 11:59
  Ellen: We make a phantom.
• 11:59
  Ellen: Oh, yes.
• 12:01
  Ellen: You know, the perfect phantom mom that lives out there.
• 12:04
  Ellen: She's not me, but I'm always looking at her.
• 12:06
  Ellen: I might not even look at my friends.
• 12:08
  Ellen: I'm looking at this phantom mom, this idealized mom that I think I'm supposed to be.
• 12:13
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:13
  Ellen: And the reality is I can't live up to that phantom.
• 12:16
  Christie: Yes, we've, we pick and choose from every expert, every department, and then we pick.
• 12:21
  Christie: Compile them all into one perfection model and You know just from the onset of parenting we should know we're gonna drop some balls there's gonna be gaps in our kids lives that we can't meet every Expectation and only
• 12:38
  God can do that.
• 12:39
  Christie: Yeah,
• 12:40
  Ellen: It's somehow we feel a pressure to do that because we've created this phantom.
• 12:44
  Ellen: Yes.
• 12:44
  Ellen: I'm not living up to that Oh, I failed here.
• 12:46
  Ellen: I failed there One thing I wanted to add to this, and that's not to put down to the person who's asking the question, but this is something I've just learned personally.
• 12:55
  Ellen: I need to stop thinking about myself as much.
• 12:59
  Ellen: It's really good to be analytical, but sometimes we get so self condemning, we get so picking ourself apart, then I realize, Oh, I'm wrong.
• 13:08
  Ellen: I'm not supposed to be thinking about myself so much.
• 13:11
  Ellen: I can analyze some things, think through some things, but you know, all of this other stuff is just.
• 13:17
  Ellen: Too much.
• 13:18
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:18
  Ellen: I think
• 13:19
  Christie: we kind of, overestimate the power of parenting in some ways.
• 13:24
  That's good.
• 13:25
  Say some more.
• 13:26
  I like that.
• 13:27
  Talk some more about that.
• 13:28
  Yeah.
• 13:28
  I'm so guilty of this.
• 13:30
  Christie: Right.
• 13:30
  Christie: Well, I think, you know, sometimes now looking back at my young kids, I think I really had a lot less to do with things than I actually did because I made so many mistakes and they still somehow learned the thing that I was, which I would have taught, you know, I think life itself has a lot of lessons for our kids to learn.
• 13:51
  Christie: And so even if we.
• 13:53
  Christie: Feel like we quote unquote failed them in a certain area.
• 13:57
  Christie: You know, they may have learned resilience or they may have learned how to learn it on their own or they might have learned how to extend grace on the areas that we kind of drop the ball on.
• 14:07
  Christie: And to forgive, forgive
• 14:08
  Ellen: when you didn't.
• 14:09
  Ellen: And so I
• 14:09
  Christie: just think we put too much power on our job as parents and realize like they are going to have everything they need served up to them.
• 14:17
  Christie: They'll learn these lessons in some way.
• 14:19
  Christie: It doesn't have to come through us.
• 14:21
  Christie: Yes,
• 14:21
  that extra pressure.
• 14:22
  And, you know, you're talking about that phantom parent, you know, even in the face of it.
• 14:29
  of affirmation and bill or somebody else or even my children affirming me the phantom so that phantom just lied and talked to me and could bring up, okay, you say I did these four things well, but look at this list of 10 things where I blew it.
• 14:49
  And then, um, I love what you're saying, Christy connected that because particularly I did about.
• 14:56
  Two thirds of my parenting, as a widow.
• 14:58
  And so, I mean, I could not even begin to do what I needed to do.
• 15:06
  As one person, and then particularly with the trauma of the loss and all of that.
• 15:12
  and I've been blown away.
• 15:15
  at the faithfulness of God to work in all that, but what my children learn from the loss and what they learned in the situation that I couldn't have taught them except for the trial
• 15:30
  Other: and that the
• 15:31
  trial, even though there, there's some, uh, scars from it, which is what gives us,
• 15:38
  Ellen: that's what gives us strength is the hard things we go through, not the easy things.
• 15:43
  Ellen: And family life is just hard being, Being a parent is hard.
• 15:47
  Ellen: Everything has hardship with us.
• 15:49
  Ellen: And it is good for our children sometimes to not have that easy or the perfect mom or whatever because that's real life.
• 15:57
  Ellen: They're going to get married, probably, or they're going to be in relationships outside of your home with imperfect people, with imperfect situations, and this gives them resilience how to deal
• 16:08
  Christie: with everything.
• 16:09
  Christie: And how to process things.
• 16:11
  Christie: Disappointment and how to improvise.
• 16:13
  Christie: I mean,
• 16:13
  because that's in our imperfections and in particularly if we can be mature, go wow, I'm really sorry what we talk about.
• 16:22
  Coming and being honest about it and talking about it.
• 16:25
  Modeling that humility.
• 16:26
  Yes But that's really what I want to equip my kids with.
• 16:30
  Not nailing it.
• 16:31
  Christie: Well, and you know, if you think, you may, you Have children that are like this that are so hard on themselves or set up.
• 16:39
  Christie: Yeah and if you don't think about how you would feel if one of your kids had the standard of perfection and They just felt so beat down that they couldn't meet it.
• 16:48
  Christie: You would have compassion for them and you would encourage them to see their strengths and you all the things you would say to your child that was being too hard on themselves.
• 16:57
  Christie: We should, in turn, say to ourselves in those situations.
• 16:59
  Ellen: And the American psyche, and it's specific to Americans, we are the winner world.
• 17:07
  Ellen: Everybody has to win.
• 17:09
  Ellen: Oh, well, not winter, but winner being winners, you know,, with the Olympics in mind, um, you know, we strive to make everyone a winner.
• 17:18
  Ellen: And, you know, well, you participated, that's not good enough, even though it really is, you know, if you didn't come in first, Well, you came in second, right?
• 17:27
  Ellen: And so we kind of perpetuate this myth of, you know, you've got to do it right all the time.
• 17:34
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:35
  Ellen: And whatever that right.
• 17:36
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:36
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 17:37
  Ellen: I mean, I would be thrilled if one of my kids participated on a running team to go to the Olympics.
• 17:44
  Christie: Well, that makes me think of something we've talked about on the podcast before and something that's really been helpful to me is.
• 17:50
  Christie: Narrowing down to what my personal values Yeah.
• 17:55
  Christie: And priorities are in my parenting.
• 17:58
  Other: Yeah.
• 17:58
  Christie: Because we can't, I mean, we could, we could look at every other parent out there and compare, but that's not my race.
• 18:06
  Christie: Like I am not, you know, like for me, you know, I really valued.
• 18:10
  Christie: Uh, relationships with my kids and their relationships with other people.
• 18:15
  Christie: we weren't a family that, like, really put a lot of pressure on sports or academics.
• 18:19
  Christie: You know, we just had some things that we let fall by the wayside.
• 18:23
  Christie: Not that those things weren't important and we, we did put emphasis on those, but we cared about relationships and we cared about work ethic.
• 18:29
  Christie: And those were the two things that we really were important for your family.
• 18:32
  Christie: Right.
• 18:33
  Christie: Yes.
• 18:33
  Christie: And that may not be what the next family's priorities are, but I think it's really good to narrow it down to, okay, what are my goals?
• 18:41
  Christie: And then allow yourself to let some things maybe slip to second place.
• 18:47
  Or can you get somebody else to do that?
• 18:50
  Yeah.
• 18:50
  Whatever it might be like, uh, Maybe suppose Ellen wasn't good at math,
• 18:57
  Ellen: so she hired tutors
• 18:59
  instead of trying to tutor her own Children.
• 19:03
  She could see and she had the ability to hire someone else You can either not do it, or maybe you can find someone else to come in.
• 19:14
  Trade skills.
• 19:15
  Yes, there we go.
• 19:16
  Ellen: But I think that's also, it goes back to, We're not running the race to be first place.
• 19:22
  Ellen: Mm hmm.
• 19:23
  Ellen: Mm hmm.
• 19:23
  Ellen: We're running the race to eventually finish, go over the finish line.
• 19:26
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:27
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:27
  Ellen: It doesn't matter where we came in.
• 19:29
  Ellen: We finished.
• 19:30
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:30
  Ellen: And there's so much value in the process of it.
• 19:32
  Ellen: and our children will take up the baton and they will finish their race.
• 19:35
  Christie: Mm
• 19:36
  Ellen: hmm.
• 19:36
  Ellen: And we have to quit kind of worrying about, well, am I the gold star mother?
• 19:40
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:40
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:40
  Christie: I think there's another layer here of, of expectation that can come from, you know, Your own background like where you came from in your own upbringing.
• 19:50
  Christie: And you know, if there's any degree of Regret of how you were parented.
• 19:56
  Christie: I think we go into parenting thinking I'm gonna write all the wrongs that were done to me And who doesn't have that in their opinions on how their parents parented for sure And so I I think we just Take that into account and as we enter under parenting too, and it feels like if I haven't right at all those wrongs, then I failed and if I'm not worrying about every detail that I'm negligent, and that's just not true.
• 20:22
  And that's an amazing thing.
• 20:24
  Go back and expand on what you just said.
• 20:26
  If I'm not worried.
• 20:28
  I'm being negligent.
• 20:29
  Is that what you said?
• 20:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:30
  Christie: I think
• 20:31
  talk about
• 20:31
  Christie: that.
• 20:32
  Christie: Well, I think we get a little bit of a badge of honor from worry, you know, if we're frantically worrying about things, it feels productive.
• 20:41
  Christie: It feels like investing and concern.
• 20:45
  Christie: And if we don't worry about every detail, it feels productive.
• 20:48
  Christie: Negligent.
• 20:48
  Christie: Negligent.
• 20:49
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:49
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:50
  Christie: And that we don't care.
• 20:51
  Christie: Wow.
• 20:52
  Christie: And that's, I don't think that's true.
• 20:54
  Christie: Well, you
• 20:54
  Ellen: give too much energy then to your worry, where you could be putting it somewhere else.
• 20:58
  Ellen: Because that's when I start to worry.
• 20:59
  Ellen: I'm like, how much energy do I want to give to this product?
• 21:03
  Ellen: Should I have that product or that product?
• 21:05
  Ellen: How much energy?
• 21:06
  Ellen: I can go eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
• 21:08
  Ellen: Now I mean, we're talking about children and their lives, but I'm saying sometimes we get so focused on.
• 21:14
  Ellen: Okay, how is this going to turn out?
• 21:16
  Ellen: I don't have any idea how it is.
• 21:19
  Christie: And being anxious is contagious.
• 21:22
  Christie: If anybody that lives with anybody with anxiety knows that, You catch it from other people
• 21:26
  Ellen: well and then your children wind up being anxious, right?
• 21:29
  Ellen: They realize they're not perfect Well, mom's always falling apart because I hear her crying or complaining to dad or her friends how horrible she's a mom and Then your kids pick that up.
• 21:41
  Ellen: Well, there must be something wrong with me, too, or
• 21:44
  They get on the treadmill.
• 21:45
  Oh, I have to be even more perfect than I think my mom is.
• 21:48
  Yes, right.
• 21:49
  Uh, even though I tell her she's not.
• 21:50
  Ellen: Right
• 21:51
  Okay, one thing I'm thinking about, what I would speak to this mom is, Get alone more by yourself and quit being alone by yourself That I think she should if she doesn't know how to practice mindfulness or de stressing techniques to get alone to practice If she's faith based, to pray, to relax, but also just breathe deeply.
• 22:19
  Do all the good things when we say mindfulness that are good techniques Send yourself
• 22:24
  Ellen: to your room.
• 22:25
  Ellen: There we go.
• 22:26
  Ellen: I finally learned to do that.
• 22:27
  Ellen: My kids would say, Mom, I think you need to go to your room.
• 22:30
  Ellen: Not disrespectfully, but I realized, yes, I need to decompress because I'm having a breakdown here.
• 22:36
  But not just isolate in that case, but get alone.
• 22:39
  and practice these good techniques and then quit isolating yourself and get around people who are life giving
• 22:48
  Ellen: so So good.
• 22:49
  to encourage you that would talk the way the three of us are talking to you and support you instead of studying another higher standard or just being among people sitting in your own private misery.
• 23:02
  Yeah.
• 23:03
  And not getting.
• 23:04
  Yeah.
• 23:05
  Life giving poured into you.
• 23:06
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 23:06
  Ellen: And when, and when you start to compare yourself, that's where the downfall is in every area of our life.
• 23:13
  Ellen: When I look at Christine and go, she does that really good, I don't do that good at all.
• 23:17
  Ellen: You know, what's wrong with me?
• 23:18
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 23:18
  Ellen: And that's when you shut up.
• 23:19
  Ellen: You tell your brain, okay, we're done.
• 23:21
  Ellen: I'm done.
• 23:21
  Ellen: We're not going down that path.
• 23:22
  Ellen: That's Christy.
• 23:23
  Ellen: That's Christy's life.
• 23:25
  Ellen: I'm happy to have a friend like that.
• 23:27
  Ellen: And if I can utilize her strengths or ask her, how do you do that?
• 23:31
  Ellen: Or Cheryl has a different strength and I can admire it, but it doesn't mean I'm going to become that.
• 23:36
  Ellen: But I could say, how do you get that done?
• 23:39
  Ellen: You know?
• 23:39
  Ellen: And
• 23:40
  that's the two things, getting along to begin thinking like this and then having life giving people speak it.
• 23:47
  Yes.
• 23:47
  Yes.
• 23:47
  Yes.
• 23:48
  Christie: But, this is making me think of another thing you say a lot, Ellen, is to develop hobbies.
• 23:51
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:52
  Christie: And develop yourself as a person.
• 23:53
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:54
  Christie: Where all of your weight and identity isn't wrapped up in being a mother.
• 23:57
  And
• 23:59
  Christie: I'm thinking, too, she said that she was looking through old things and that nostalgia was stirring up all these emotions.
• 24:06
  Christie: Something I didn't realize as it was happening was The grieving that had to happen as your kids grow up.
• 24:15
  Christie: Um, I think it caught up with me Yeah, I didn't acknowledge it in real time, but I didn't Know that there would be a grief of my past life of young children or my past life of elementary kids And so I think this mom might be experiencing some of that grief in real time as she's seeing that the years tick away And I just acknowledge that as a real emotion to that That's a normal process of grieving the loss of The good old days, you know, the times that you had when your kids were young.
• 24:50
  And just you have to let the past go.
• 24:53
  Yeah.
• 24:53
  You know, and so let's look at our present.
• 24:56
  And then without this mindfulness and reset, how are you going to look forward to the future?
• 25:02
  Yeah.
• 25:02
  You know, wow.
• 25:04
  I can't change that, I can learn from it, but let's look forward to what we have, whatever that situation is.
• 25:12
  Ellen: And I think maybe the core of this really is, we need to be learners and teach our kids to be learners.
• 25:19
  Ellen: Okay, talk some more about that.
• 25:20
  Ellen: Yeah, by that I mean, like, there were certain things, I wasn't very good teaching math, and I didn't particularly enjoy it, and for upper math we'd get some tutors.
• 25:29
  Ellen: But, um, the reality is I would sometimes tell my kids, well, when you get older, you can figure this out yourself.
• 25:36
  Ellen: If you want to, if you want to pursue this interest, you can do it.
• 25:40
  Ellen: This isn't my strength and I will give you the tools so that you can become a learner because that's what we want ultimately, we want to Prepare our children to learn because they're going to go into life and maybe their math background wasn't that great So they can get a tutor they can go In college they can take a remedial math class.
• 26:01
  Ellen: So what right, you know if you gave them the understanding of how to learn You know If they know how to find things, they know how to take care of themselves, some basic human skills, that's really the important goal.
• 26:15
  Ellen: Anything else, when they leave your home, is up to them what they want to pursue, how that's going to look.
• 26:20
  Ellen: It's not your responsibility
• 26:22
  Christie: anymore.
• 26:22
  Christie: I love that.
• 26:23
  Christie: Because I, I think as parents we have this imaginary timeline that we have to, we have to present completely.
• 26:30
  Christie: Yes.
• 26:31
  Christie: You're the finished product.
• 26:32
  Christie: Yes.
• 26:34
  Christie: And I think we can model that for our kids.
• 26:36
  Christie: I mean, I'm 45 and had a good old fashioned public education, and I'm still learning things.
• 26:42
  Christie: Yes.
• 26:42
  Christie: Yes.
• 26:42
  Christie: You know?
• 26:42
  Christie: And so I can show that to my kids now that are in their 20s.
• 26:46
  Christie: That, hey, if I want to learn piano, I could start learning piano.
• 26:49
  Christie: It doesn't have to have been completed at age 18.
• 26:52
  Well, that's one of the things that my kids have said to me.
• 26:55
  That it's really giving them encouragement as they look to aging.
• 27:01
  Okay, because that's like the worst thing that can happen to you in our own lives.
• 27:04
  This current culture.
• 27:05
  That will happen to you.
• 27:06
  Right, right.
• 27:07
  You know.
• 27:07
  For
• 27:07
  Ellen: most of us, yes.
• 27:08
  You're way over the hill at 30.
• 27:10
  Uh huh.
• 27:10
  Uh huh.
• 27:11
  But they said, wow, because I am learning new things and I'm trying new skills and started a podcast you know, my learning and my excitement about the next thing has really impacted them rather than going, Oh, you just get old and shrivel up.
• 27:29
  Right.
• 27:29
  Right.
• 27:30
  Um, so.
• 27:31
  It really does matter.
• 27:32
  Christie: Yeah, and you two both inspire me so much in that and I feel like I've learned and experienced more Joy and freedom in my relationship with my kids because of that trait that I've learned from you guys Of continuing to be a learner and continuing to walk in humility of wow I haven't learned that yet.
• 27:51
  Christie: You know, this is something new and not I am the mother and I know all, nothing I ever did was imperfect, you know, and I think my kids have respected that more than I would have expected.
• 28:04
  Christie: And I think
• 28:04
  Ellen: that's a gift you can give your kids because that takes condemnation off of them too.
• 28:09
  Ellen: Because I tell my kids often, well, I'm new at the senior citizen business, so I'm just learning.
• 28:15
  Ellen: I'm learning.
• 28:16
  Ellen: This is all new stuff.
• 28:17
  Ellen: You know, I may have a basis of other things, but there's a whole bunch of other things.
• 28:21
  Ellen: You know, we've never had to deal with Medicare before.
• 28:23
  Ellen: So, you know, that's a silly side thing, but you know, there's, Wow, there's a lot to
• 28:29
  being a senior citizen.
• 28:31
  It just brings so much freedom and joy.
• 28:34
  And, for example, I was recently with my son and his family, and I don't even remember what it was, but it was something, and I flubbed on something, or I did something the wrong way, and I just laughed and said, I'm so sorry.
• 28:48
  I didn't mean to do that, and I did it wrong.
• 28:52
  Y'all, I'm sorry.
• 28:53
  And It was a genuine apology, but I took no condemnation about it.
• 28:57
  And I go, Oh, this is the way to be.
• 29:00
  And that's the mother and the grandmother role model I want to be for my kids.
• 29:07
  And so I'm going to say, Mom, you still have your kids at home.
• 29:12
  Tomorrow's another day.
• 29:14
  I believe freedom and grace are contagious.
• 29:17
  Yes.
• 29:18
  Other: And
• 29:18
  so, what I did is just lavish grace on myself and apologized and we moved on.
• 29:23
  Ellen: Did that, mom.
• 29:24
  Ellen: Thank you.
• 29:24
  Well, there's so much more we can say, but we're We have time constraints here, just like we do in real life.
• 29:33
  Ellen (2): And
• 29:34
  keeping
• 29:34
  Ellen: a good relationship with your children is the most important hallmark of anything you do.
• 29:40
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 29:40
  Ellen: whatever, because that's a lifetime.
• 29:42
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 29:42
  Ellen: And you'll have lots of time when they're adults to apologize.
• 29:45
  Ellen: Right.
• 29:46
  Ellen: And they will have a context for understanding that.
• 29:48
  Ellen: When they Go out into the world.
• 29:50
  Ellen: They start their own family, because my kids will come back and go, yeah, now I know why you did that, mom.
• 29:54
  Yeah.
• 29:55
  Oh, good.
• 29:56
  Okay, so, particularly moms or dads.
• 30:00
  If you're discouraged, if you feel overwhelmed, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 30:16
  Thank you for spending this time with us today on TPP.
• 30:21
  Parenting can sometimes be a heavy weight, but I hope our episode offered you a little space to breathe and to feel understood.
• 30:33
  Know that it is normal to sometimes feel overwhelmed or uncertain.
• 30:41
  Most of us have been there.
• 30:45
  For one thing, this journey doesn't come with that clear roadmap that we all expected.
• 30:52
  But here on the Parenting Podcast, we're finding our way together.
• 30:57
  One step at a time.
• 31:00
  I hope the stories and insights we shared brought you some comfort and reassurance.
• 31:05
  Think back to what stood out for you today.
• 31:08
  How might you use that in your own journey?
• 31:14
  And remember, we're always here for you.
• 31:18
  Whether you have questions or just want to connect.
• 31:21
  Reach out on social media or email us at contact at the parentingpodcast.
• 31:27
  com.
• 31:28
  Let's continue supporting each other through the highs and lows.
• 31:32
  You're never alone in this, and together, we'll keep moving forward.