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Messy House Habits: You aren't failing- You made a choice · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So join me, Jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher, and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Jenna Zint, and this episode is gonna be on the shorter side because the window of time I have to record it is shorter.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I have heard consistently throughout the years that y'all appreciate sometimes bite-sized ones because then you can listen to them in one car ride and you feel like you get the whole idea.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna assume that's true as well.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And also, wow, look at this how meta demonstrating offensively small with an offensively small podcast.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Bang! It's like a light bulb, right?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, anyways, sorry, I was laughing hard at myself right then.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So this episode is gonna be talking about my messy house and my thought habits around my messy house.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the whole thing, the origin point of this idea is that my kids had teacher conferences this week, which means extra, you know, appointments are running around.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: It means they get out of school shorter, so I have less days to do to work or less hours to work.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: It means that all of my normal habits shift for this week, and then there's extra, which is okay.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then my in-laws are visiting as well, and then it was my last week of my two, my time management and wife my wife's course.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: So context.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: All of those are good things.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I actually don't didn't feel stressed about them.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: But what happened is my house is a lot messier.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And the full circle moment of the origin point of this story or of this podcast is I was at a teacher's conference with my daughter's fourth grade teacher, and she's so tidy.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Her room is immaculate, perfect, and she teases about her OCD tendencies, you know.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just commenting on how peaceful it feels when there is such order, and she was like, Oh, but you're the same way.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure your house is spotless.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I had this moment, actually, I felt the temptation to almost what is that um perspective, not hypocrite, uh, where it's like false, darn it, I can't remember.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Imposter syndrome, that's it.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: To be like, oh my gosh, my house is not perfectly clean right now.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then I felt, but I was like, oh no, no, that's okay.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I've never actually claimed that.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's you know, like, you know, I have to partner with that.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next thing that popped up was like, oh my gosh, have I been making people feel bad about themselves because they assume I'm this standard that, you know, even though I talk about it, they still have this standard in their head thinking I'm better or have it live differently, something like that.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so, anyways, it made me, I went then I went home with fresh eyes of like, no, people need to see this and they need to understand this.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the real basic where I'm gonna land, not as a habit coach has weeks where her house is messier, which is partly, I hope you hear some freedom in that.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you have accidentally used me as an invisible standard, please hear that most I'm like, I say it and I think people think it's like a sweet, humble nod, like trying to be falsely humble.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: But how my brain is wired as a fiercely typey, more oriented towards connection, spontaneity, fun.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Order is not my innate structure, like wiring.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I I feel actually I feel a little teary right now.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: I feel so proud of the deep work the Lord has done, even making me not resistant and have a value for it.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: But at my core nature, I will never be as naturally structured or ordered as people who has different who have different brains and different personality types than me.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: So that being said, there is no false humility in that.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I also have lost the shame in it.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, a lot of people who work with me end up being like, oh, you're not another type A person that's like, just do it this way.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's simple.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, you had to do the thought and heart work as well as the actual habit work, you know?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that being said, it's cool to be like, oh, this doesn't, I don't feel like a hypocrite uh an imposter.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I also want people to know, like, I really mean this when I say my house is not perfect.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think I told you guys once that I had friends who had only virtually known me and they came and they're like, oh yeah, your house is like very average.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, they're like, we thought you were, you know, being humble about it, but like, this is not overly, overly tidy.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is not perfect.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yes, no, when I say perfect is not the standard, literally mean that.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not trying to make y'all feel better about yourself.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: I actually think perfect's like a very unhelpful standard and it kills connection all the time.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: When you go to structure and order in your house to that level, I think beyond 70% usually Rob's and exhaust you and then rob's connection.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I actually dogmatically go for 70% a clean enough house.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: But in this week, when it's fuller, I would say, yeah, no, it's like maybe 50%.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So we always make our bed, we always do the dishes every night, we always clean off like the food stuff, but like I didn't get my laundry habit done.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I piles from after school dates and then um, excuse me, some craft projects the kids did, not making them fully clean it up.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, things were just compiling.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: So when this teacher made the comment, I was like, no, it's actually worse than it normally is.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: But the cool part for me as I went through the week, the reason this time, the week or my house is messier, it's not because I am lazy.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is not because I'm procrastination is winning.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's because I when I see these piles, I actually see choices I made.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, for instance, I actually did a post, which if you want to go find it, you can see the visual image of my house.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I I put a post of my in-laws are in town and we were going, we had a sweet moment when we got back from teacher conference where I chose to let Rosie explain to her grandma how all the awesome things her teacher said to her.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And in that moment, normally when I come home, I do a bit of cleaning, even if it's 10 or 15 minutes of tidying, of putting things away, but I chose that.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I chose to be present and like engage with that moment, rightfully so.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: But then I can come back to the pile I didn't get to because I chose that moment and I could almost shame myself.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: But when you look underneath the surface of like, you're failing, or you didn't get to that pile.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, I have one option.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot be two places at once.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I chose the connection with grandma and Rosie moment over putting away that pile.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: No problem.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now we actually have to immediately start dinner, or we'll be late for the practice, or we'll be late for that friend thing we have, or we'll be late, whatever.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there are not actual extra minutes here that you are wasting.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're in a week where you're all your minutes are spent.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: No problem.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to do that with stress, but also don't shame yourself for a good choice you made when you face the cost of it, which I would say a pile, a mess, an undone task would be the cost of it later on in the week.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: So another one is um we had a friend dinner.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: We seasoned, we did a seasonal supper club.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Our friends are the coolest and they are delicious cooks.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it was their idea, and we had to reschedule, it's normally on the weekend because that fits better in our life, but because someone got sick and we have crazy busy schedules, we could only find a Tuesday night.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it was quite a shuffle in our schedules to pull off this elaborate cooking thing.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Erin made these like apple tarts that looked like flowers, they were so pretty.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but because I chose that and to go to that, my laundry pile didn't get done because I actually was helping get some of the ingredients and prep for the stuff to do that.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like this idea of we can make powerful choices in the moment and then go back and shame ourselves when we encounter the cost.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I just look at the difference for me though, I want you to take away is when you look at your messy house on weeks that are fuller and you've made choices to prioritize the right things.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the teacher conference, the presentness with my in-laws, the the seasonal dinner that happens only once a quarter, um, the after-school moment that I watch my kiddos' friends at a park so that we could, you know, all hang out and they could do the teacher conference.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I should have at one point I realized I was like, Oh, I don't really think I have the time to do this.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, am I going to?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, actually, I'd want to choose connection even when it costs me.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I can always circle back and do that pile later, wipe the counter later, do the me, do my bathrooms this weekend, whatever.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I think the difference is reminding myself when I look at the cost, not shaming myself.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I chose this, which means I didn't choose tackling the kitchen.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: I chose the after school park hangout, so I did not finish doing my laundry.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: I chose my seasonal supper club so I didn't unpack the little bags that had accumulated from our after-school errands.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, I think we can just get into this idea that we will make in the moment the choice, but retroactively will like be punitive towards our like in our thoughts.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, hey, I actually look at those piles and it's when shame creeps up, I'm like, no, I just chose to not do you.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not lazy, I'm not failing, I'm not behind.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I will get to you eventually.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I talk to my piles.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not kidding.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: I literally do this because otherwise these thought patterns don't rewrite, rewrite.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much science that says when we talk to ourselves, we actually increase how quickly we get these lessons or these new neuron pathways.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I will look at the pile and I felt shame on my steps for walking up it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I remind myself that, hey, like actually, you're not the only one who lives in this house and other people could help you and or other people could put this away.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's one thing.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And but I don't stay there for judgment or like, I don't know, what's the word?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like contempt or bitterness.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: If I want help, I could ask for it.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or the other thing that happens is when I look at it, I'm like, and I chose to not put you away because I'm gonna go immediately hop into bedtime.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if I don't hop into bedtime, I'm not gonna lay with my son.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I want those seven minutes with my son more than I want to walk up perfectly clean steps.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of looking at what's undone and feeling shame, remind yourself that you chose.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: You chose connection, you chose being present, you chose helping out a friend.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you probably gave and reminding yourself on those full weeks that you gave all the minimum extra scraps of your time to the things that mattered more than those piles, than that counter, than that task.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're not lazy, you're not failing.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to choose because you have a limited capacity.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Five, you cannot spend the same five minutes two ways.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you can't spend five bucks more than twice.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, your kids are like, I've got five bucks.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: I want that teddy bear and that snow cone.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, yeah, but they each cost five bucks.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, I have five bucks.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, you can't spend five dollars twice.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: We do that with our minutes all the time.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I want you to this week notice that every yes comes with a no somewhere else, and not sorry, and kind of break up with the pattern of making a powerful choice to go play with your kids instead of doing the laundry or whatever, which we can a lot of us get there, but then only to turn around later and shame you for those choices.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So the laundry not being done is not always evidence of procrastination or you failing as a housekeeper or you being behind or whatever.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just evidence that you spent a really beautiful afternoon with people that you loved.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: So talk to your piles, join me in the club.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna make t-shirts.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I talk to my piles to remind myself I didn't choose to do you.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not failing or avoiding you.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just did not have the time right now because I chose otherwise.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: I still support, it's almost like I stand behind my choice this afternoon.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I still support my choice, even though I'd love for you to be gone.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: No problem.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: That was a good choice.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And and my time to tackle you will come.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the cool full circle moment is that um I still actually got to tackle those four piles yesterday that I was um because my time shifted and I knew I had more capacity on Thursday.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, so I'd build this trust that, like, hey, I'm not choosing you now because I chose other things, and I can trust myself to eventually circle back and count it.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's the counting it or untangling the thin like film or residue of shame, or like, yeah, I did my laundry later, but I didn't do it on Sunday like I normally do, so I failed this week versus like, girl, you were exhausted and you came home and you did your laundry while having a sweet little conversation with your son.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's not failing, that's double wins.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I know that sounds I heard myself and sounded cheesy in that moment, but I'm like, you we have to start going after almost like taking the film of shame off of delayed choices when we rightly prioritize more important things on fuller weeks than just task, house tasks.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to go through your task and you know, your house when you see the piles and you know you didn't have the capacity.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Said, I chose to be present with my kids instead of tackling you, laundry.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I will be back for you.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I can trust myself to put you away eventually.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: You will not mock me, nor will you taunt me.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I own you, laundry.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: You do not own me.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: You are not my bully.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: You do not, you're not a message about my identity or how good I'm doing at this.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: You are the fruit of a choice, and I actually still stand and support that choice I made yesterday.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you guys, that is it.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you have such a great weekend.