Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Sasha Wrestles with Kindness

Transcript

Sasha Wrestles with Kindness · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Hi, guys. Welcome. I'm so excited to be talking to you and doing another podcast. It's gone really well. People are listening to it and sort of spreading the news about the podcast, and I guess it's helping other people the way we needed podcasts too and just one more perspective.
• 1:15
  So I'm glad I didn't step on any toes, and I'm glad that we're doing an okay job of it. We'll keep sharing, and I'm super excited about it. So that's cool. The other big news is, guess what? Emma has listened to the podcast, all four of them so far.
• 1:31
  And I don't know what she thought about them or what her response was, but there is a note in the journal that we can keep doing them. And I know that she did one. I tried to listen to it, but I couldn't listen to all of hers. I couldn't listen to the good doctors either because it's so boring. But I couldn't Emma is hard for me to pay attention to because she's so mousy and whiny.
• 1:57
  But but I really like John's. I laughed. It cracked me up until I almost wet my pants. It was so funny. So I hope you heard the other podcasts, and, I'm excited that it's a thing and that it's working and that it's going well.
• 2:13
  People have asked me about the website. I know it shows the link to the website, but the website's not actually going up until next week. It is ready to go. I'm just not publishing it because the doctor is in charge of all my money, and I get an allowance. I don't know how other systems do it, but we each get an allowance.
• 2:33
  And the good doctor that's why I call her doctor e. Sorry. But the good doctor, she is in charge of our budget and our money and finances, both for the family and for our system. And I can do my own website, but I have to pay for it out of my allowance. So I have to wait next week because I already used my allowance this week before I knew I was gonna be doing any podcast.
• 2:59
  So I'll do that next week, but it is ready to go. So that's exciting. I hope it's okay. We have a little blog there and links to the podcast with the descriptions because, obviously, we don't wanna trigger anyone, and want people to know what they're getting into before they listen. So it kinda gives away all the surprises of what's in there, but it's really important to me that people know what they're gonna listen to so they can sort of prepare if they wanna listen to that one or if they wanna skip that one or skip part of it.
• 3:30
  However, people need to take care of themselves is great. We do have the trigger warnings up on the website and in the descriptions of the podcast. There are not little I don't know what they're called. Like, the stars or asterisks or whatever in the trigger warnings, we don't have those because that's actually a trigger for us. I know on a lot of the groups online that they use those for trigger warnings, and so I get that, and I respect that, and we follow the rules in the group.
• 4:00
  But it's actually really triggering to us, so it's not gonna be on our website. But the general content warnings and the, podcast, like the episode descriptions will be there so people can discern for themselves if it's an okay and safe episode for them to listen to. But we're trying to keep it appropriate and helpful and positive. So I hope that's cool. And I am excited that you're listening to it and that people are liking it.
• 4:28
  So besides just Emma listening to the other podcast and then doing her own, the other big news is that last night, I played them for the husband. Legit, right guys? Like seriously, I played them for the husband. I we were sitting there and we were kinda finishing a date. We had watched a movie.
• 4:48
  I don't even remember what it was. We don't get to watch a movie very often because of children. There are so many children, inside children, outside children. There are children everywhere. It's like a zoo here, right?
• 5:00
  So we had a little date and we're finishing a movie and I just couldn't hold it inside anymore. And so I just turned to him and I said, I have a surprise for you. And I think it's a good thing and not a bad thing, but I don't wanna be in trouble about it. And I wanna tell you about it because it's really kind of taking off. And so, like, he's really my best friend.
• 5:22
  Like, you guys, you have no idea what made me do. I hope you're that lucky. Like, the one thing we have done right as an adult is pick him to marry. Like, he's amazing. You I can't even.
• 5:33
  Oh. Oh. I mean, you know, because you guys have been through stuff. Right? So you know, like, how bad it can be or even normal dating, how gross it can be.
• 5:41
  But, like, oh, he's just kind, you guys, and he's respectful to everybody and their different preferences. And he's so attentive and he does stuff for us. Like, he's just legit, like, kind. Like, I'm not a bad person. I'm but I'm not a kind person.
• 5:59
  Like, I I don't I don't I'm not a terrible person, and it's not that I'm not nice, but he has, like, a gift for kindness. And he is just the softest, kindest human being I've ever met in my life. And I don't know how we ended up with him, but it is maybe the best thing of our entire life ever, is this guy. Anyway, we got to sit with him and talk to him. And I just said, I think that this is becoming a big thing, and so it feels weird to have something that I haven't told you about.
• 6:33
  But it wasn't that it was secret keeping. I just wasn't sure it was gonna work or not or what to say. And so I told him about it, and he was so excited. He was so proud of me for trying something new. And he was so proud of me for having, like, the courage to go that far out of my comfort zone because this is super terrifying.
• 6:56
  And he was proud of me for, like, trying to have boundaries. I know shocking. Right? But trying to have boundaries so that, like, I didn't force anyone to participate and I didn't disclose anything that that are, like, other people's stories. I'm just only saying my own stuff and saying what I wanna say and leaving up everything else to other people and being fair like that.
• 7:17
  Like, that's teamwork. I you don't know how many points I should get for that. Like, I should have so many therapy points right now. You have no idea. Oh my goodness.
• 7:26
  So I told him about it and he was so excited and he was so proud of me. And so we just curled up and stayed up like an extra hour and a half late to listen. And we listened to all four of them. I got in trouble during the doctors because it was so boring, and I was being snarky, and he told me to be quiet because he was really interested in it. So I sort of got called out on that, but he's always, I think I'm the only one who gets in trouble actually, but he's always like, I love everybody, and you just need to be respectful.
• 7:59
  So he made me be quiet so that he could hear the doctors, but he listened to all of all four of them that we've done so far. And he was really pleased and proud of us. And he like cried and laughed and was all serious about it. It was a crazy experience. Some of those things we've never really said out loud or talked about them so distinctly as individuals or for him to hear the perspective without us trying to cover up what's going wrong.
• 8:30
  And so it felt super what's the word, like vulnerable, I guess. That's crazy. I was vulnerable. Anyway, so we told him about it and we talked about it and the response was really positive from him and he was really supportive and very kind about it, enthusiastic. And we're totally gonna keep doing it.
• 8:53
  And then next week, when the website comes out, then we'll post everything there, and it will also, from there, be automatically fed to iTunes. And so everything is connected and ready to go. I just have to hit the publish button. So that's exciting. But those of you who have tried it out with me and given me some feedback, I really appreciate it because it was a scary thing to do, and I don't wanna just release it to the general public before, like, knowing what people are thinking or if it's helpful or not or if it's just ridiculous or if it's okay.
• 9:27
  Like, it was really scary, and there was so much anxiety. But since getting feedback from some of the friends online in the survivor groups and since getting some feedback from the husband and knowing that even Emma did one, I think it's gonna be a good thing. I maybe should tell my therapist about it. I haven't talked to her about it yet, but because we haven't seen her, which actually is what I wanna talk about today. What do you do when you don't get to go to therapy?
• 9:54
  Like, it took us so long. I talked about this in my podcast last time on the first podcast, episode one. It took us so long to find a good therapist that I know we have the right one, and I don't know that I could trust anyone else, which maybe is my own issue and I need to work on that. But I'm really grateful that we found her, and she's legit cool. And I don't really get away with anything, but I think that's good for me.
• 10:25
  And she can kinda match my snark and calls me on everything. So I hate therapy, but I love her. Like, I adore her. And so don't tell her I said that. But I really don't know, like, what to like, it's a hard process.
• 10:45
  I don't mean she's hard. She's amazing. And I love when we're there. And, like, since we go on Mondays, then on Sundays, we start getting, like, excited to be there and knowing it's coming and there's such relief. But then after we leave, it's so distressing because we have to leave and it begins, like, this time of having to work on things without her or process everything that just happened or deal with that space of being away from her or being on our own.
• 11:17
  And it's so much harder and scarier, But I don't wanna be, like, a creeper. Like, it's not that I don't know how to explain it. I hope you guys understand because maybe you're in therapy too, but it's just hard. Well, because, like, we stir things up in therapy. Right?
• 11:38
  So then after therapy is hard. Like, some things are good. Like, we always sleep really good on Monday nights, like, better than any other night of the week because we've had therapy and it was so exhausting. And we did so much work internally that, like, we always sleep really well on Monday nights. But then when we wake up on Tuesday mornings, there's so much to, like, puke out into the journals, and there's so much to process and adapt to and try to get back into real life, like, the children and the husband and everything that's expected of us.
• 12:15
  And so the transition is hard. But by Wednesday, we kind of have that down, except then everything is like dominoes. Like, everything that we process from therapy, we kinda have down in the notebooks, but then that stirs up, like, the next layer of nasty and ugh. And so then we have to wrestle it. And then by Thursday, then we're wrestling with it without the therapist because it's not our appointment yet.
• 12:45
  And then by Friday, like, we're about to drown in it. And then Saturday, we might as well quit. It's the end of the world. Whatever. It's so dramatic.
• 12:54
  Right? And then by Sunday, we feel better because we know therapy is next Monday. Right? So that's what it feels like for me. But then at the same time, like, real life happens.
• 13:08
  And so, like, she had because of not calendar, schedules. Because of schedules, like, she had a week that she had to miss, which is fine. And we had a week that we had to miss, not because we were avoiding therapy, just something. I don't know, kids or something. And so we missed two weeks with her.
• 13:28
  And so we were supposed to go this week, except they had a blizzard. It was a freaking blizzard, you guys. What why have we moved here where they have such a thing as blizzard? Because it was cold. Like, you it was snowing sideways.
• 13:43
  How is that even possible? Like, how is that a thing? It can't snow sideways. Like, what? It was crazy.
• 13:51
  And so because of the blizzard, we cannot get to therapy, which was the third week in a row that we missed session. And so I don't know how we've handled that. Like, how we kept functioning. I mean, it's good for us to see that we can, but, like, it's really hard until, like, anxiety's through the roof and everything is just harder than it needs to be. And I guess it's in some ways, like, Emma wrote about how it helps her realize how much she needs therapy because we were feeling so much better, and now we're starting to feel worse again because we've missed it so many times.
• 14:28
  And now it's supposed to snow again next week or, like, on the weekend. And so if we don't watch carefully the timing and I don't think that, like, right now, we have the funds to be able to just go early and get a hotel and then wait until Monday. Like, I don't mind running away. That'd be cool. And we can do it functional like, like, of just disappearing, take a day early and a hotel and rest and recover and do some intense therapy work in the notebooks and then go to therapy and then come home legit.
• 15:02
  So, like, that's a compromise we do sometimes when that pressure to run away is really big. We do that. We have a runner. I don't know if you know that. That's kind of off topic.
• 15:11
  But we have a runner who, like, will fugus out. You know, like, we move and wake up and, like, we're in a completely different state or a different life or whatever. We land in airports a lot or wake up in other countries. Like, it's been a problem. But this is but we're doing better with that.
• 15:37
  And so we can do it kind of functionally for therapy, but it's not the weak. We've had, like, two kids in the hospital is what's happened. That's why our allowances are off because we had two kids in the hospital. And so, it's not a week where we can just go early for the hotel. So I'm rambling, but the whole point is I can't miss therapy another week or I'm going to be crazy.
• 16:00
  I'm already crazy. I started a podcast. That's pretty crazy. That's how desperate I am. Right?
• 16:05
  And so we're trying, honestly, like everything we can do to hold it together, we're trying, but I don't know how to miss another week. I just can't. And so I'm really anxious about that even though, like, I don't wanna go to therapy. I don't wanna talk to her. She's way smarter and cleverer than me.
• 16:23
  Like, you can't get away with nothing with her. So it's not like I wanna be the one out. I don't wanna do a session. I just want no way to feel better after a session. Someone else can do the work.
• 16:36
  I don't wanna do the work, but I don't wanna miss. And then because of the holidays, the week after this next session, she's gonna be gone. And then we have a session, and then we're miss two more because of the holidays. And so I can't even I can't even handle it right now. And the anxiety just about getting to therapy is insane right now.
• 17:01
  Like, I mean, off the charts. I don't even know how to cope with that. So what I do is I I do the things that I know I can do. Like, we keep the NTIS on our hand. We have a bear that she gave us that the littles hold.
• 17:21
  We work on grounding skills. Like, I have some essential oils and some candles, and hot chocolate is a good thing for us. We can't have coffee, so we can have hot chocolate. And she we have a painter. Somebody can paint.
• 17:41
  Like, there's different coving skills. We know the drill, and we can do those things. But that it's still just hard, and the pressure still builds up faster than we can get rid of it almost or release it, I guess. But it's another reason I'm so grateful for some of the groups or some of the friends that we've made online, not like in a creepy way, but in a really actual supportive, good people out there who are connecting with others who understand. Like, it really makes all the difference, I think, and that is helpful.
• 18:18
  Also, if it's really bad, we can text the therapist or email her. We have her text number and her email address, and we have permission to use them, but we try really hard not to. I don't really care so much, but the doctor is like, no. Don't it's her time. Don't mess with it.
• 18:35
  And then someone else that's a little is like, don't because then we're in trouble and we're bad, da da da da da, which isn't true at all, but that's like the conflict in there. So we don't actually do it very much because I guess we don't wanna want to abuse it, but aren't also I mean, we don't wanna abuse that privilege. That's true. But, also, I don't think we really believe in that privilege yet. Does that make sense?
• 19:01
  Like, I don't know. Like, she texted us on Thanksgiving and said, happy Thanksgiving. I'm so grateful for you. That's what she said on Thanksgiving. Giving.
• 19:17
  And I was like, what do you want? What are you trying to do? What are you trying to get at? When the husband, he was like and our husband was like, she's just grateful for you. She's just wishing you a happy holiday.
• 19:33
  I'm like, why? What does she want? What is she trying to do? What is she getting at? He's like, no.
• 19:39
  She's just grateful. Like, it's a hard thing. How do you process that? Or sometimes online, when you meet new people who are, like, safe, appropriate people, like, they are demonstrating good boundaries. They are demonstrating things that show you they're safe.
• 19:55
  I'm not talking about creepers. I'm not talking about weirdos. I'm not talking about, like, dangerous people online. I mean, like, in the groups, they've already been vetted and also you see how they interact with other people before you connect with them yourself. You know?
• 20:11
  I don't know. At least we do. We watch for a long time. And so when people are nice to us, like, it's really hard to deal with that, which is ridiculous because that's how things are supposed to be. I know how to deal with people when they're mean to me.
• 20:34
  I know how to deal with people when they hurt me. I know how to deal with people who abuse us or neglect us or whatever. I don't know how to deal with people being nice and safe. It's so weird. The niceness and safeness is weird, but also that I can't deal with it is weird.
• 20:52
  Like, it makes me freeze up and turns into, like, social anxiety or something, except it's different than social anxiety. It's not really that, but I don't know how else to explain it to people. And so, like, the harder they try, the more I hide. And that makes it really hard to be a good friend even when you want to or you wanna try. You know?
• 21:15
  So I appreciate when people are really patient and understanding of that, just my own boundaries too. Even respond to people. Like, instant messaging is really hard. Like, that's very overwhelming very fast. Like, it just sucks up all my spoons.
• 21:37
  You guys know about the spoon theory. Right? Like, that you only have so many a day, and when you have to do hard things, it uses them up. Like, instant messaging sucks up all my spoons. It, like, pretty much puts them down the garbage disposal, And then there's not only no spoons, but the old spoons you already used are all scratched up.
• 21:58
  That's what it's like. I don't know. So it makes it hard to have friends because I am a terrible friend myself. And I know to be to have friends, you need to be a friend, like, whatever, but it's really hard to do and really hard to understand why people would be kind or what they want from being kind or what they're trying to do or get at. I don't know.
• 22:25
  It's a scary thing. Not that I'm scared because, like, I'm tough. I'm cool. But friendship is hard. I don't know why stuff from the makes friendship hard now.
• 22:38
  I think it's one reason that we're safe with the husband because he just kinda chill. He just kinda hangs out and does his own thing and isn't offended by us doing our own thing, whatever that may be at any given moment. And right now, it's a podcast. So thanks for listening, and we'll keep going. Okay?
• 22:58
  Thanks. See you next episode.
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together.