Latest / The Daily Writer / The Power of Anti-Goals: 3 Things to STOP Doing This Year
Transcript
- 0:06SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Daily Rider Podcast, where we bring you tips and inspiration each day to help you build habits for riding success.
- 0:14SPEAKER_00: For more resources, including your free Daily Rider Starter Kit, visit DailyRiderLife.com.
- 0:22SPEAKER_00: Here in the first part of the year, everybody focuses on what they're going to accomplish in the coming year.
- 0:28SPEAKER_00: And of course, this is fun and exciting since we are, by nature, people who like to start and build things.
- 0:34SPEAKER_00: I mean, we're writers after all.
- 0:36SPEAKER_00: We are wired to create.
- 0:38SPEAKER_00: However, one of the dangers in being part of the creative entrepreneur culture is that it's easy to get sucked into the mindset of always doing more and adding more things to your plate all the time.
- 0:49SPEAKER_00: So in today's episode, I will share three anti-goals to keep in mind this year.
- 0:54SPEAKER_00: So these are things not to add to your plate.
- 0:57SPEAKER_00: Instead, these are things to stop doing.
- 1:00SPEAKER_00: These are things to take off your plate.
- 1:02SPEAKER_00: And the reason is because being a successful writer isn't just about doing the right things.
- 1:07SPEAKER_00: It's also about getting rid of the wrong things that are cluttering up your life.
- 1:12SPEAKER_00: So today's episode is a teaching portion of a recent Daily Writer Club call.
- 1:17SPEAKER_00: And on our weekly calls, we also have a time of discussion and application.
- 1:21SPEAKER_00: So what you're going to hear is my teaching portion of that call.
- 1:23SPEAKER_00: But on these calls, we also have a lot of time for discussion, application, working through problems and talking about wins and goals and so forth.
- 1:31SPEAKER_00: So if you'd like to be part of an encouraging and growing writing community, you can check it out at dailywriterclub.com.
- 1:39SPEAKER_00: All right, here's the teaching portion of the recent call on the power of anti-goals.
- 1:44SPEAKER_00: Hope you enjoy it.
- 1:46SPEAKER_00: So I think success is not just a result of what you start doing, it's also a result of what you eliminate.
- 1:52SPEAKER_00: And so I want to talk through three.
- 1:55SPEAKER_00: I originally had seven, uh, but then I was like, well, seven's too many.
- 2:00SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to tile this back to what I feel like are three, what I'm just calling anti-goals that are going to help lay the groundwork for your success this year.
- 2:08SPEAKER_00: And these are not just related to time, but these are also related to the way that we think.
- 2:13SPEAKER_00: So let me go through these maybe over the next 10 minutes or so.
- 2:16SPEAKER_00: And then I would love to have some discussion on this because I feel like this is hitting home with many of you.
- 2:20SPEAKER_00: Okay, anti-goal number one is stop committing to extra things that you don't actually want to do.
- 2:28SPEAKER_00: So let me say that again because a lot of you really relate to this.
- 2:32SPEAKER_00: Because we're a group of laid-back writers generally who like people.
- 2:37SPEAKER_00: We're very chilled out as a group.
- 2:40SPEAKER_00: And we tend to be people pleasers, most of us, if we're being really honest.
- 2:44SPEAKER_00: So anti-goal number one is stop committing to extra things that you don't want to do.
- 2:50SPEAKER_00: So if you're a people pleaser, your tendency is to do anything and everything to avoid people being upset with you.
- 2:58SPEAKER_00: Anybody relate to that?
- 2:59SPEAKER_00: It's like the worst emotion you can possibly experience is knowing that somebody's mad at you for something or they're displeased with you.
- 3:06SPEAKER_00: That I'm exactly that same way.
- 3:08SPEAKER_00: Like, one thing that you can talk to my brother, you can talk to anybody who's in our family.
- 3:13SPEAKER_00: And like one thing that the Sanders family never has is outward conflict.
- 3:19SPEAKER_00: Like it's extraordinarily rare.
- 3:21SPEAKER_00: Like, I and this is not something against my parents necessarily.
- 3:24SPEAKER_00: It's just this was the emotional dynamic of our family growing up, is that I never once saw my parents get into a fight, ever.
- 3:32SPEAKER_00: Everything was kept very chill.
- 3:34SPEAKER_00: It's like the worst thing that you could do is become outwardly really emotional or show displeasure outwardly or shout or scream.
- 3:42SPEAKER_00: That's why, still to this day, that makes me really uncomfortable whenever people get uh like when they start getting mad and shouting and that kind of thing, because that wasn't at all how I grew up.
- 3:52SPEAKER_00: And I had to learn when I got married to my wife, Melanie, I had to learn how to fight because I just didn't fight.
- 3:58SPEAKER_00: I mean, I would just go into silent mode for a few days, whenever we had a conflict.
- 4:04SPEAKER_00: But I've since learned how to have productive conflict and to resolve things really fast, but that was a real learning process.
- 4:09SPEAKER_00: Now, some of you are the same way, you don't like conflict, and so therefore, in order to avoid conflict, you will take on responsibilities or you will agree to activities that you don't really want to do because you want to avoid conflict with somebody.
- 4:22SPEAKER_00: And here's some examples.
- 4:24SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe you have committed to some type of business group or meeting that you don't really enjoy that is not really helping you, but you feel too guilty to say no to it or to get out of it.
- 4:36SPEAKER_00: Okay, and by the way, not that you not that anybody needs my permission, of course.
- 4:41SPEAKER_00: But if you ever want to leave this group because you feel like it's not being productive, I want you to know that's okay with me.
- 4:47SPEAKER_00: I do not take that personally because we all have to prioritize things and make decisions.
- 4:51SPEAKER_00: And if you have other things in your life that are more helpful than the Daily Rider Club, then I say, go do that thing.
- 4:56SPEAKER_00: More power to you.
- 4:57SPEAKER_00: You know, I think that's wonderful because I'm all about doing things that are actually helping you, not doing things out of guilt or because you don't want to upset somebody.
- 5:08SPEAKER_00: Um, some other examples might be doing doing some kind of volunteer thing that you're not really excited about, or maybe going to some social gathering that you don't really want to go to, or you know, if you're involved in church, maybe being involved in some kind of a church ministry or activity that really you don't want to do, but you feel kind of obligated to do it, or because your great aunt expects you to do it when you were 12 and you've just done it for the last 30 years, you know, or something like that.
- 5:33SPEAKER_00: That's what they pay you to do.
- 5:34SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, that's true.
- 5:36SPEAKER_00: And I guess that's kind of different uh to some degree.
- 5:39SPEAKER_00: Uh if you're paid to do it, I guess that's different.
- 5:42SPEAKER_00: So here's how I would recommend stopping this if this is a problem for you.
- 5:48SPEAKER_00: So I would start by practicing saying no to something really small that has no risk.
- 5:53SPEAKER_00: So today, if you're a people pleaser, start saying no to something.
- 5:57SPEAKER_00: Um, something really, really small that isn't really gonna hurt somebody's feelings, but you need some practice saying no.
- 6:03SPEAKER_00: So don't start with the big thing, start with something small.
- 6:06SPEAKER_00: Because if you're used to saying yes to everything, you're going to have a hard time with this.
- 6:12SPEAKER_00: But what happens is when you start saying no to things that you don't really want to do, you're gonna find that people quickly move on to somebody else who can help them solve their problem.
- 6:21SPEAKER_00: You can't be the hero and solve everybody's problem.
- 6:24SPEAKER_00: It's just not tenable emotionally or time-wise.
- 6:27SPEAKER_00: And so you need to practice saying no.
- 6:29SPEAKER_00: So practice with the small things, and then you're gonna get better at saying no to the big things that maybe aren't helping you get where you want to be.
- 6:36SPEAKER_00: Here's the problem, though, with this, and some of you can relate to this is um one thing that you find out is that as your business grows, the choices don't become as far as business activities, the choices are no longer, they're no longer good versus bad.
- 6:51SPEAKER_00: They're good versus better or good versus the best.
- 6:55SPEAKER_00: And as you increase your network and your connections and your business grows, you're gonna have a whole bunch of really good things that you could be doing, but you can't do all of them.
- 7:02SPEAKER_00: And so it's really hard to choose, but you have to choose sometimes.
- 7:05SPEAKER_00: And those choices are not always obvious and they're not always easy.
- 7:09SPEAKER_00: So just be prepared for that.
- 7:10SPEAKER_00: And you are going to disappoint some people, but they'll get over it and they'll move on.
- 7:14SPEAKER_00: And you will be a healthier person when you're not committed to everything that you possibly could be doing.
- 7:19SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's anti-goal number one.
- 7:21SPEAKER_00: Let's go to anti-goal number two.
- 7:23SPEAKER_00: This one might be a little controversial, but that's okay.
- 7:25SPEAKER_00: I'm not ashamed of, I'm not afraid of a little controversy.
- 7:29SPEAKER_00: Anti-goal number two is to stop helping everybody for free.
- 7:33SPEAKER_00: Now, I mentioned that I was a nice guy, and being a person who avoids controversy has its benefits.
- 7:39SPEAKER_00: Like, you're not gonna talk to anybody who's like, that can't standers guy, I can't stand him.
- 7:43SPEAKER_00: He's such a loudmouth, every every other word is like profanity.
- 7:47SPEAKER_00: He's just like the meanest, worst guy ever.
- 7:49SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna find anybody like that because I'm a pretty chilled out person.
- 7:53SPEAKER_00: But having this personality also has a dark side.
- 7:57SPEAKER_00: And when you couple that with somebody like me who has kind of a pastoral background, and I'm sort of wired pastorally in the sense of I like to listen and I like to help people, then really you have the makings of a people pleaser who wants to be the hero for everybody, no matter how much it personally costs you.
- 8:15SPEAKER_00: And some of you can probably relate to that.
- 8:18SPEAKER_00: And if you're not careful, if you do this enough, then you can start to base your whole identity and your self-worth on being a helper.
- 8:26SPEAKER_00: So you can become the people who everybody else turns to for counsel and advice, even if it costs you a lot, time-wise, or even if it costs you money.
- 8:35SPEAKER_00: And as your business grows and as your reputation grows in a specific niche, then you're going to have a reputation as a person who is helpful, as a person who has a certain base of knowledge around a particular topic.
- 8:48SPEAKER_00: And that's good, but the problem is that you can't be the hero for everybody.
- 8:52SPEAKER_00: And it's really, really hard to get out of that if you're used to, if you're used to having that role on people's lives.
- 8:58SPEAKER_00: Okay, case in point, I'll share a quick story with you.
- 9:01SPEAKER_00: So there's somebody in my network.
- 9:03SPEAKER_00: Obviously, they will remain the guilty shall remain nameless.
- 9:06SPEAKER_00: This is a person who I've known since the 90s, and they're a wonderful writer, um, just a really wonderful person.
- 9:14SPEAKER_00: And uh, I've always tried to encourage this person.
- 9:17SPEAKER_00: Well, like the last 10 years, I've tried to encourage this person in their writing.
- 9:20SPEAKER_00: They're actually this incredibly gifted writer, but their writing has never really gone anywhere career-wise, because they haven't really networked and I don't think they really know what to do.
- 9:31SPEAKER_00: And they kind of have just spun their wheels to some degree.
- 9:34SPEAKER_00: So I've tried to make a special effort to really encourage this person.
- 9:37SPEAKER_00: Because I've known them for a long time and really care about them and their family.
- 9:41SPEAKER_00: So a few months ago, um, I emailed this person out of the blue and I said, Hey, I'm just checking in to see how you're doing.
- 9:49SPEAKER_00: Um you know, here's a podcast that I do, you might find helpful.
- 9:54SPEAKER_00: Here's a group that I run that you might find helpful.
- 9:56SPEAKER_00: And after like two or three months, they emailed back, one of those kind of deals.
- 10:01SPEAKER_00: And they were like, Oh, yeah, that's this sounds cool.
- 10:03SPEAKER_00: Um, can we get together for coffee?
- 10:06SPEAKER_00: And in my mind, I was like, Well, I don't really have time to do that.
- 10:11SPEAKER_00: But yes, because I've been friends with you for a long time, I'm happy to do it.
- 10:15SPEAKER_00: So let's do it.
- 10:16SPEAKER_00: So we got together for coffee.
- 10:18SPEAKER_00: We had a great coffee, gave them a lot of tips on where to go from here, a lot of resources, a lot of feedback.
- 10:24SPEAKER_00: And then afterwards, I was checking and I was like, Hey, you might want to think about joining this club that I run.
- 10:29SPEAKER_00: It's for writers, it's like the exact thing that you need, it's very affordable.
- 10:34SPEAKER_00: I created this exactly for people to give a community and to to help people get traction and to give some resources and those kind of things, and didn't hear back for a while.
- 10:45SPEAKER_00: Then they, after a couple months, they emailed back and said, Yeah, send me info.
- 10:49SPEAKER_00: And so I sent info and I haven't heard back.
- 10:52SPEAKER_00: And that was like a real turning point for me because I was like, you know, I've tried to help in a lot of different ways, but I feel a little bit taken advantage of because I feel like they're not taking action on what I've suggested that they do.
- 11:07SPEAKER_00: They ask for my help directly, but they're not actually doing anything because of it.
- 11:12SPEAKER_00: And this is not a money thing, it's really an action thing.
- 11:15SPEAKER_00: I like to be around people who take action.
- 11:18SPEAKER_00: And if somebody comes to me for advice, just like many of you, would feel the same way.
- 11:22SPEAKER_00: If somebody comes to you for advice, but then they don't take your advice, you sort of feel like, well, that was kind of a waste of my time.
- 11:29SPEAKER_00: So I like people who take action on things.
- 11:32SPEAKER_00: And I think many of you relate to this because you have people who come to you for help and advice about things.
- 11:37SPEAKER_00: And it's good to do that for a while when you're getting established.
- 11:40SPEAKER_00: You don't charge people for your time, you don't charge people for what you're doing.
- 11:44SPEAKER_00: You do a few things for free.
- 11:46SPEAKER_00: And I think that's great.
- 11:47SPEAKER_00: And I've done tons and tons and tons of that kind of stuff.
- 11:50SPEAKER_00: But there comes a point if you want to have an actual business where you have to stop doing that.
- 11:54SPEAKER_00: And you have to start charging people for things.
- 11:58SPEAKER_00: And that's really hard if you come from a place like I did, which was church ministry and education, where it's very much like a giving-serving environment.
- 12:09SPEAKER_00: It's really hard to get that mentality of a business person where you're charging people for things.
- 12:14SPEAKER_00: So if you struggle with that, I want to encourage you to have something small that you charge people for.
- 12:18SPEAKER_00: If you've never charged anybody for anything, have some kind of small, low-cost thing that you can direct people toward.
- 12:26SPEAKER_00: And this does a couple of things.
- 12:28SPEAKER_00: Uh, number one is it gives you a way to get compensated for your expertise, which is important.
- 12:34SPEAKER_00: But number two, it also gives you a place to filter people as kind of a test to see how serious they are.
- 12:41SPEAKER_00: So if people come to me and they're like, man, I want to write this book.
- 12:44SPEAKER_00: Um I'm so motivated, I want to get it done.
- 12:46SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, let's do a coaching call, or here's this group I run, or here's whatever.
- 12:51SPEAKER_00: Um, I can ghost write your book, you know, those kind of things.
- 12:54SPEAKER_00: And then if people never get back to you, that's kind of a test of how serious they are.
- 12:59SPEAKER_00: So I really want to encourage you to have something small if you're just starting out, some kind of small way that you charge people.
- 13:05SPEAKER_00: Maybe if it's just 25 bucks for a coaching session or a little bit of money to meet with you so they can value your expertise or starting off with a low-cost client thing or whatever it is.
- 13:20SPEAKER_00: Everybody tracking with me so far with this?
- 13:23SPEAKER_00: Okay.
- 13:24SPEAKER_00: I know it's really hard to develop this mindset when you're just starting out, but you can do it.
- 13:28SPEAKER_00: If I can do it, I promise that you can do it as well.
- 13:31SPEAKER_00: Again, this is one reason I'm work that I really like having the Daily Rider Club is because it's a low-cost thing for me to point people to that I feel like is really valuable and a lot of fun.
- 13:39SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's do anti-goal number three, and then let's have some discussion about this because I'm super curious about your thoughts on these kinds of things.
- 13:47SPEAKER_00: Anti-goal number three is the hardest one for me by far, and that is to stop comparing yourself to other people.
- 13:54SPEAKER_00: And this is hard because by nature we compare ourselves to others.
- 13:58SPEAKER_00: This is part of the tribal mentality that we have as people.
- 14:02SPEAKER_00: Part of the tribal mentality that we have is we might be the nicest person in the world outwardly, but inwardly we all want to be at the top of the pack, right?
- 14:11SPEAKER_00: We all want to be successful, we all want to be recognized for being a person who adds value or or who has accomplished something meaningful in some way.
- 14:22SPEAKER_00: But the problem with that now is that the tribe is is endlessly big.
- 14:26SPEAKER_00: Even if you have a specific niche with something, you're going to have, you're going to have this massive people that you perceive that you're competing with.
- 14:37SPEAKER_00: And it gets really, really exhausting whenever you get on social media.
- 14:41SPEAKER_00: And if you have a comparison mindset, if you're always looking at people and going, well, I don't measure up to them, I don't measure up to them, I don't measure up to them.
- 14:48SPEAKER_00: Then after a while, you just kind of want to quit.
- 14:50SPEAKER_00: Has anybody else been there before?
- 14:53SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
- 14:54SPEAKER_00: I've been there a million times, it feels like.
- 14:57SPEAKER_00: But I struggle with this less than I used to because the more that time goes on, the more, the more that I realize I'm doing something that's a little different.
- 15:05SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to kind of cover out my unique place in the universe with writing stuff.
- 15:10SPEAKER_00: And that does make a difference when you start to realize your unique value.
- 15:15SPEAKER_00: But I don't think the comparison thing ever really goes away.
- 15:17SPEAKER_00: Every time somebody launches a book, who's a friend of mine that's really successful, there's a little part of me, even though I try to celebrate with people, there's a little part of me that's like, oh, my last thing wasn't as successful, or my upcoming thing won't be as successful.
- 15:31SPEAKER_00: And I think that's just a reality that we have to work with as human beings, that we do tend to compare ourselves.
- 15:37SPEAKER_00: So what I recommend is instead of comparing yourself to others, is learning from other people.
- 15:44SPEAKER_00: So that person that you compare yourself with that you feel like is so far ahead of you, I would recommend instead of comparing yourself, learning from what they're doing because they're actually saving you a lot of time.
- 15:55SPEAKER_00: If somebody is in your same space and they're doing kinds of similar things that you're doing, then look at how they do their email list, look at who does, look at how they do their book launch or their podcast or whatever it is, and basically steal their best ideas.
- 16:10SPEAKER_00: There's no need for you to create the wheel.
- 16:11SPEAKER_00: So that person that you compare yourself with, they're actually doing you a huge favor because they are showing you the way and they're saving you a lot of time because they've already figured that stuff out.
- 16:21SPEAKER_00: And if you can learn from them, it's going to help you to be way more successful.
- 16:26SPEAKER_00: Now, the other thing with this, I think that's so interesting, is that the person that you're comparing yourself with, nobody else is comparing you to them.
- 16:34SPEAKER_00: Like it's basically all in your head because you see that person, you're like, oh man, I don't measure up to this person.
- 16:40SPEAKER_00: They're doing the same things that I'm doing.
- 16:43SPEAKER_00: The reality of it is that nobody else in your circle is comparing you to that person because you're both doing unique things.
- 16:49SPEAKER_00: So it's basically in our heads, and we've got to move past this comparison game that so oftentimes we get stuck in.
- 16:57SPEAKER_00: And the other part of this is that if you flip it around, there are people who are comparing themselves to you.
- 17:02SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter where you are on your journey.
- 17:04SPEAKER_00: There are people in your circle, even though you don't know it most of the time, there are people who are jealous of your success and they want to be where you are right now.
- 17:13SPEAKER_00: So the point is to help those people get where they're going a lot faster.
- 17:18SPEAKER_00: Have a service mindset, have a helpful mindset, have some things that you're charging people for because you know, the more money that you're making in your business, that allows you to selectively help other people for free.
- 17:29SPEAKER_00: So, one thing that I love to do is about once a year, I select a major project that I just do at no cost to somebody.
- 17:39SPEAKER_00: So I've got one that I'm finishing up right now.
- 17:41SPEAKER_00: Um, this is a book that I collaborating with somebody on that I have had a blast doing, and I'm doing it completely for free just because I really believed in this project.
- 17:53SPEAKER_00: And I think when you charge, when you mostly charge people, then you can do things for for free selectively that you really, really enjoy doing.
- 18:01SPEAKER_00: So those are some thoughts on some anti-goals for this year.
- 18:05SPEAKER_00: Again, I think that your success is not a matter of doing more, it's actually a matter of doing fewer things, and it's a matter of eliminating the things, schedule-wise and emotional-wise, that can really help take us down.
- 18:18SPEAKER_00: So let's have some discussion here.
- 18:20SPEAKER_00: I've given you three things.
- 18:21SPEAKER_00: There's probably a lot more things we could talk about.
- 18:23SPEAKER_00: Um, but I'm curious which of these three things you relate to and how you handle any one of these things.
- 18:31SPEAKER_00: Hey, I hope you enjoyed that teaching portion of our recent Daily Writer Club call.
- 18:35SPEAKER_00: I encourage you to choose one of those anti-goals and start putting it into practice immediately.
- 18:41SPEAKER_00: Again, one of the things that we emphasize here on this podcast and in the Daily Writer Club, and just one of the things that I try to live by is putting things into practice immediately, not overthinking, not getting paralyzed by options, but just doing something and seeing if it works.
- 18:57SPEAKER_00: Literally, on my computer, I'm looking at it right now, I have a little sticky note taped to the bottom of my computer monitor.
- 19:03SPEAKER_00: It says, take action, don't overthink.
- 19:07SPEAKER_00: And the reason is because I tend to overthink things.
- 19:10SPEAKER_00: I tend to get paralyzed by the options.
- 19:12SPEAKER_00: I'm a perfectionist at heart, or rather, I'm a recovering perfectionist.
- 19:15SPEAKER_00: And if you are too, this advice probably will serve you well.
- 19:19SPEAKER_00: Not to get overwhelmed by all the options and trying to do things perfectly.
- 19:23SPEAKER_00: Just do it.
- 19:24SPEAKER_00: And then you can always adjust a little bit later on.
- 19:26SPEAKER_00: But the important thing is taking action and moving toward the things that you want to do.
- 19:30SPEAKER_00: And again, not getting paralyzed by all the possibilities, but just doing it.
- 19:36SPEAKER_00: And as I mentioned before, this was the teaching portion of one of our recent Daily Rider Club calls.
- 19:41SPEAKER_00: We have a lot more discussion and application on those weekly calls.
- 19:44SPEAKER_00: And if you'd like to check it out, you can go to DailyRiderClub.com.
- 19:48SPEAKER_00: It's a really great community.
- 19:49SPEAKER_00: People are having massive successes and wins there.
- 19:52SPEAKER_00: And I hope that you will consider joining us as well.
- 19:55SPEAKER_00: Hey, before I go, I want to let you know that today's episode is sponsored by Indie Author University, featuring the Book Marketing Mastery course.
- 20:03SPEAKER_00: If you're tired of being disappointed by your book sales and you want to sell more books faster, easier, and with more fun than ever, sign up today.
- 20:12SPEAKER_00: Book Marketing Mastery is created by my friend and business coach Anna Roder, who has sold over four million books.
- 20:19SPEAKER_00: And she also was featured on an episode just a few days ago where we talked about her brand new book called You Must Market Your Book.
- 20:26SPEAKER_00: So she knows a lot of stuff about marketing.
- 20:28SPEAKER_00: And not only does she know it, she also practices it and is very good at teaching it.
- 20:33SPEAKER_00: And when you take this course, you're going to get the inside scoop on book marketing mastery.
- 20:38SPEAKER_00: To sign up, visit dailywriterlife.comslash bookmarketingmastery and use the code daily writer, that's all one word, daily writer, to get 10% off.
- 20:48SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening, and I'll see you tomorrow.