Latest / The Play Therapy Circle / Episode 38- Big Feelings, Small Bodies: What Emotional Dysregulation Really Looks Like

Transcript

Episode 38- Big Feelings, Small Bodies: What Emotional Dysregulation Really Looks Like · The Play Therapy Circle

0:00
Hi there and welcome to the Play Therapy Circle.
0:04
Before we begin, Please note this podcast is for
0:07
informational and educational purposes only.
0:10
It does not provide therapeutic advice and listening does not
0:14
create a client therapist relationship.
0:17
All views expressed are my own and any case example shared have
0:21
been de identified to protect privacy.
0:24
If you're seeking personal support, please reach out to a
0:27
qualified mental health professional in your area.
0:33
Hi and welcome to an episode of The Play Therapy Circle.
0:38
I'm Kylie Ellison, a therapist, clinical supervisor and play
0:42
therapy trainer and I'm so grateful you're here.
0:45
This podcast is a space for thoughtful, soulful
0:49
conversations about child centred therapy, play based work
0:53
and what it means to show up with presence and compassion,
0:57
both for our clients and for ourselves.
1:00
Whether you're a seasoned play therapist, a student just
1:03
starting out, or someone deeply passionate about working with
1:07
children, you belong here. Hey everyone, and welcome back
1:14
to the Play Therapy Circle podcast.
1:17
I'm your host, Kylie Ellison, and I am so glad you are here.
1:23
Happy Wednesday night, you guys. We had every intention.
1:30
The intentions were good at the start of the week to get this
1:33
done sooner. And here we are.
1:35
It is 7:30 on Wednesday night. How's your week going All of you
1:40
guys out in listener land, how are we doing?
1:43
How are we doing? How is it the 15th of April?
1:47
I know I said that every week but I'm hyper fixated on the
1:50
fact that it is already halfway through April in Brisbane.
1:54
Here it is not cold yet. So if you are coming from a cold
1:57
climate, I am very jealous. We are waiting for autumn to
2:01
arrive and it's not here yet. So how has my week been?
2:06
I started training today so I have been connecting with one of
2:12
our cohorts of students and it just, I just love it.
2:18
I truly, truly love it. But it's just so nice to connect
2:21
with others that share the same passion as me for CCPT.
2:25
So it's been so, so lovely today and it really just reminds me so
2:31
much about what we talk about in Child Centre Play Therapy, about
2:35
relationships 1st and more than anything else, the importance of
2:40
building that sense of safety and trust.
2:42
And I see that responsibility in connecting with students as
2:46
well, that they are on a journey of learning and growth just as
2:50
children are in the playroom. So getting that chance to see
2:53
them grow and thrive, but offering that really safe and
2:56
respectful and empathetic space to learn together is what I had
3:02
an opportunity community to do today.
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So I just, I absolutely loved it.
3:06
I got to connect with our families this week as well and
3:08
do play therapy. So it's been a really great
3:11
week. But I'm not going to lie to you
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guys, I'm tired, I'm tired. Is anyone else tired?
3:17
It is the second week of school holidays as well.
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Oh man. So if anyone else is in the
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trenches of just trying to get through until next week when the
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children return to school and the parents get a break, I am in
3:32
the teenage years. So the social calendars of my
3:35
children are full on the regular and mine are not.
3:40
So I love that for them that they're busy.
3:43
But we have a podcast to record, you guys.
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We have a podcast to record. I need to again acknowledge our
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beautiful and amazing and supportive international
3:54
community here. Guys.
3:56
We're only episode 38, but we have now grown to 65 countries
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internationally that listen to the podcast.
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So if you are listening from anywhere outside of Australia,
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you are so welcome here and we are so grateful that you have
4:11
found us. And I really hope that this
4:15
content and information that we share is resonating with you
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guys too, as much as I hope our incredibly dedicated Australian
4:23
community is loving it as well. So thank you to everyone.
4:27
Australia, internationally, I think our top listeners are
4:31
obviously in Australia. We love that in the United
4:34
States is the next biggest group of listeners.
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So thank you and welcome to anyone listening to us from the
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US, I think it's then the UK and Ireland, and I think it's Japan
4:45
and New Zealand. So any of you guys listening
4:48
from those countries today? Hello, hello, and thank you for
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your returned commitment to listening to my podcast.
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I am so, so grateful that you are listening.
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So thank you so much for the support and really the last
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couple of episodes because you guys know that I don't generally
5:06
have a plan and I like to, at this point in my career, lean
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into my framework of being Rogerian to my core, which is
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probably more like an excuse, let's be real to me being
5:18
unorganised. But I also go with the flow.
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So the last couple of episodes surprisingly have had a link
5:26
together, which again, very rare for me, where we've been talking
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about the neuroscience, you know, the brain and the
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playroom. You guys would remember a couple
5:34
of episodes ago last week, we talked about the nervous system.
5:38
Today we're going to kind of title together to talk about big
5:43
feelings and big emotions and what that means for what
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children are communicating. So the topic of today's episode,
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big feelings, small bodies. So what does emotional
5:56
dysregulation look like in children?
5:58
So what I want to start off this conversation, I guess for anyone
6:03
listening, is really kind of set the scene around what we see in
6:07
children's behaviour and what that may potentially mean.
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So I want to, I guess, connect with and resonate with anyone
6:16
who relates to the following as some examples.
6:19
So have you ever experienced a child who has exploded?
6:24
Or like, completely flipped their lid at being asked to turn
6:28
off their iPad? Or go to bed?
6:32
Or finish their homework? Or get cranky because you're not
6:37
going to buy that chocolate that they want at the checkout aisle
6:40
as you're trying to do your grocery shop?
6:44
Or burst in tears at the absolute smallest thing and
6:49
nobody can work out why did any of that land?
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For anyone listening, if that is the case, let's talk about how
6:56
it feels for us as adults, as parents, as caregivers.
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We get confused often. If it's happening in public,
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there's an embarrassment element, right?
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Because you're kind of like, Oh my God, is that really my kid?
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Oh my God, it is my kid. Yep, helplessness.
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We've got that confusion, but we can get frustrated as well and
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kind of go what is happening right now.
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So I want to kind of reframe it a little bit and talk about if I
7:24
post this question alternatively to you.
7:27
Because I think that what we were talking about today in the
7:31
training, which I think is really important in this space
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to connect with you all tonight to say is we are from a
7:38
strengths based perspective, we are all doing the best we can
7:41
with the resources we have at this point in time in our lives.
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And that absolutely connects for us as practitioners, for us as
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professionals, for us as parents and caregivers.
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You only know what you know at that time.
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So isn't that amazing? The gift that life gives us of
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learning from our mistakes and learning along the way.
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So it's never a mistake in my mind.
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I feel like it is a learning opportunity for future growth.
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So Ioffer this example to you to reframe it instead as not if
8:15
anyone that's listening, that as a parent, it's not you've failed
8:18
or that you've done anything wrong.
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But what if we looked at that explosion or that tantrum or
8:23
that meltdown as if every behaviour, every single bit of
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it was actually your try A child trying to tell you something not
8:32
in words, but using their language, which is their nervous
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system and their behaviour and their emotional expression
8:40
rather than the words. What if we started to get
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curious about that instead? What if we looked at that
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behaviour as communication essentially?
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Because for as you guys remember from the last couple of
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episodes, we've talked a lot about when kids become
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dysregulated, that that thinking brain that we use as adults to
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be rational, risk assessing people that sometimes think that
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we've got our stuff together, right?
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We will use that cognitive part of the brain.
9:11
Children when they flip their lid, when they're throwing a
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tantrum, when they're having a meltdown, that is offline, you
9:18
guys offline does not exist, isn't in operation, out of
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service, out of order, right? So when we have what we call
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emotional dysregulation, it's a very kind of jargony word that
9:31
we use in the therapy space. What am I talking about at a
9:34
basic level when I'm talking about emotional dysregulation,
9:37
those meltdowns, those tantrums, it's when the child's nervous
9:40
system is overwhelmed beyond its capacity.
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So they've really tried to manage it as best as they can
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for as long as they can. And it's run its course, it's
9:53
filling over. It's it's tipping over.
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It's not a choice when that happens because we're talking
9:58
about the brain and the neuroscience now.
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This isn't an intellectual decision to be naughty.
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That would have to happen in that cognitive brain.
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And it's offline, you guys, it's switched off.
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It doesn't exist. So it's not manipulation.
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It's not they're making a choice to be naughty and it's nothing
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to do with you as a bad parent. It's it's just their nervous
10:22
system reaching its Max power, reaching its limit.
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So every child has a capacity to regulate.
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Absolutely no, no argument there.
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The amount though, of that emotional load on their nervous
10:36
system is what they can manage before it becomes overwhelmed.
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And every child's going to be different in that space.
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That capacity is not fixed. It's not like this is it?
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This is all they'll tolerate and then they're going to lose it
10:50
regardless. It's developmental, so it shifts
10:54
and changes their capacity to tolerate challenges in that
10:58
emotional, mental load changes over the span of your life.
11:02
It matters in terms of context. It can be impacted by sleep, by
11:08
hunger, by stress, by trauma, all of these things, right?
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So it's not cut and dry. It's absolutely not black and
11:17
white here. There is so many factors that
11:19
can go into what makes each child unique, which is why when
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I meet with parents to begin the process of child centre play
11:27
therapy, I will never give a definite number of how many
11:31
sessions they're going to need to work through their therapy.
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Because absolutely every child is different in that space.
11:37
Their challenges, their experiences and their growth is
11:41
individual. And it's the same in terms of
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their capacity to manage that emotional load.
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So a child who manages well on a good day may completely fall
11:51
apart on a day when they're tired, over stimulated, or
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they've literally been trying to hold it together all day.
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So everyone knows about that analogy of that falling apart at
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home phenomenon where they've literally held it together all
12:08
day, presented at school, like they've been flying under the
12:12
radar, not really kind of impacting too much anyone else's
12:16
day. And then they come home and
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collapse and offload and dysregulate and have a meltdown
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and fall into a puddle of tears. That's very much around the fact
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that for children, they're going to do that at home where they
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feel safe. That's the key part, right?
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That they're not going to be able to do that if they don't
12:40
feel seen and heard and held. We do that in play therapy
12:44
because we invest that time in that warm up stage for them to
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feel that sense of safety and trust.
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They are not going to move to that second stage of play
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therapy until they know for sure that we as the play therapist
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have a room and a space and an environment and a therapeutic
13:01
relationship that is going to offer that safety.
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It's the same in that parent child relationship as well.
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So I really want to distinguish that dysregulation component
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from misbehaviour, from them being naughty.
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It's not the same thing, it's just not.
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When we're talking about children who are being naughty,
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you're talking about a regulated child who makes a choice, a
13:24
child who is calm, regulated and makes an intentional decision.
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A dysregulated child is where their nervous system has taken
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over. That rational brain is offline,
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it's out of order. So it is very different in terms
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of that behaviour, presentation and the con, the context behind
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it. So a dysregulated child who
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flips their lid and completely melts down has not made that as
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a choice. That is literally their survival
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brain taking over to try and keep themselves safe and to
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communicate their needs. So that's very important that we
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look at that distinction between the two because it really does
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influence I guess how we respond.
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And very much that response to that works for misbehaviour.
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So consequences, you know, discipline, logical discussions,
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talking it through will completely fail when you have a
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child that's dysregulated and can actually make it worse.
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Let me say that again. That response or the response
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that we would use for misbehaviour, which is
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essentially A regulated child that makes an intentional choice
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as opposed to a dysregulated, overwhelmed, overstimulated,
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exhausted, hungry child who has a meltdown.
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You are not going to be able to talk to them logically and if
14:53
you give them consequences, it's likely that it's not going to
14:57
work because it's not about that we're targeting the wrong
15:01
behaviour and it's actually going to make it worse.
15:03
So if this is resonating for you, let's talk more about how
15:08
we navigate this because that's really important.
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I always give the example and we were talking about this today in
15:13
the training. So it's really top of mind for
15:16
me to mention this and I think I might have mentioned it in a
15:20
podcast before. So I apologise guys if I'm
15:22
repeating my stories. Sometimes that happens, right?
15:25
But the, it was an experience I had years ago running training
15:32
for practitioner or educators in, I'm just trying to obviously
15:38
keep this very general. So it's not identifiable running
15:41
training for those in the education space years ago, years
15:45
and years ago. And they were talking through,
15:47
obviously, the process of managing children who become
15:51
dysregulated, who lash out, who essentially have tantrums or
15:54
meltdowns and, you know, need to then have this behaviour
15:59
addressed by the school and this process of talking to them
16:03
afterwards, asking them what they did wrong and what they're
16:06
going to do differently next time.
16:08
We were talking about this today because I had hoped that that
16:11
process was no longer the case in our school communities.
16:14
And sadly that I was wrong. That in fact, unfortunately
16:19
we're still very behind in that space and and lots of people
16:23
need some further education in the neuroscience of children's
16:26
brains. But that is actually still the
16:30
case that there is processes in school communities where they
16:34
will ask the child to write out exactly what happened during
16:39
that meltdown. And again, what the, you know,
16:42
the decisions they made and what they did wrong and what they do
16:45
differently next time. And my question again, years
16:49
later, after I've heard this before and I'm going to ask it
16:51
again, how's that going? How's that going?
16:55
Because you are not talking from a science perspective correctly
17:01
about how to address this with children.
17:03
Because I feel like when we talk about emotions and regulation
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that often it's dismissed and people will say that's just an
17:12
excuse. They're just being naughty.
17:14
They're making a decision to be intentionally naughty.
17:19
It's not actually showing informed understanding of the
17:24
brain when we say that. You guys, I'm very passionate
17:28
about this because I think education is power.
17:31
We do this in our professions, right?
17:33
It's important for us to upskill ourselves.
17:35
This is Our Calling as play therapist to educate members of
17:39
our community because children's brain of thinking is offline.
17:45
So I made the joke in the training today and, and
17:49
unfortunately, I'm probably half true with this, sadly, is if you
17:52
asked a child who's had an epic meltdown to write down the
17:56
sequence of events and what they were thinking and, and the
17:59
choices they made and what they do differently, it probably
18:02
would just say I I blacked out and and then the teacher came
18:07
over. Like the amount of content is
18:12
just not going to be there because it doesn't exist because
18:17
the the brain isn't there. So I really would love to hear
18:22
from folks that are listening to this and, and are thinking, no,
18:26
no, no, I disagree. I think that my child is just
18:29
simply being naughty and choosing to make the wrong
18:32
decision. Talk to me about the
18:34
neuroscience of, of how you came to that conclusion because I
18:38
want to argue with the literature and the research and
18:42
the knowledge that we have that that is actually not what
18:45
happens in the brain. So I hope that eventually that
18:48
information will infiltrate our education system to better
18:52
support our kids from a developmental point of view,
18:55
because our kids need that advocacy because they don't have
18:59
the words. Because their frontal cortex is
19:01
not fully developed until 25 years of age.
19:03
Which is why under 20 fives are not assessed or sorry, are not
19:08
insured in the same way that over 20 fives are.
19:12
Because even insurance companies recognise that under 20 fives do
19:16
not have the ability to assess risk competently.
19:19
They don't have the ability to be rational, they don't know how
19:22
to assess consequences and outcomes.
19:25
Tada. I am very passionate about this,
19:28
you guys, very passionate. I want to hear from those
19:31
naysayers and the doubters because I have a rigorous
19:34
conversation to share with you. What I think is really important
19:38
here is again to understand that all behaviour is communication.
19:43
So when kids are communicating to us through their behaviour,
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they are communicating to us an unmet need.
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And we're going to talk about how parents can meet that need
19:52
to have success and being able to reduce those meltdowns, to be
19:57
able to cope better with life and to have a happier household.
20:00
Because that's the goal, right? Parents don't want to feel
20:03
miserable. Children don't want to feel
20:05
miserable. But if we do the same thing, we
20:07
get the same result, right? We know that.
20:10
So here's some alternatives. And what I want to dive into
20:13
right now is this idea of what is that behaviour communicating.
20:19
In response to being dysregulated to them flipping
20:22
their leads, to them having that thinking brain offline, what are
20:26
the different responses that they're communicating with?
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So we have 4. So let's unpack it together.
20:32
The first one is the explosion, which we call the fight
20:35
response. So we we're going into that
20:38
fight or flight kind of analogy here.
20:41
The explosion is the fight response.
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What does that look like? Meltdowns, tantrums, hitting,
20:47
kicking, screaming, throwing things, saying hurtful things.
20:53
What the adults might see from your adult brain is
20:57
manipulation, bad behaviour, maybe a spoiled kid, but what is
21:04
actually happening from a neuroscience perspective guys?
21:08
Because all words lead back to the science, right?
21:11
What we are seeing in real time with a child is the sympathetic
21:14
nervous system mobilised for fight.
21:18
The child is in survival mode. If you see a child that is in
21:23
fight mode, they are in survival mode.
21:27
Their brain has gone offline, their thinking brain has gone
21:29
offline and their their, their fight or flight, excuse me,
21:33
their fight or flight. Their bottom brain stem is
21:36
trying to keep them safe and alive.
21:38
At this point, they are so overwhelmed with feeling like
21:42
they are threatened, they are at risk that their brain steps in
21:46
to say I got you, I'm going to keep you safe.
21:49
Let's go absolutely back to basics and I'm just going to
21:52
fight. What does the child need in that
21:56
moment? They need a regulated presence,
21:59
not consequences, not explanations.
22:02
So if you see a child who is in that fight response, they need
22:06
safety and they need a regulated presence.
22:10
OK, expression number 2 is called kind of the bolt or the
22:14
flight response. This looks like them running
22:17
away, hiding, refusing to engage, leaving the room,
22:22
putting up walls. What do adults see from an adult
22:27
brain perspective? Is rudeness, shutting people
22:31
out, you know, being a little bit distant.
22:35
But what's actually happening is the nervous system that
22:39
regulates our emotions has chosen for flight this time
22:43
instead of fight. So they've recognised the brain,
22:46
the bottom brain stem has recognised to keep this child
22:50
alive. We need to distance from others,
22:53
to keep ourselves safe, to keep ourselves alive.
22:56
What do they need in this moment is pursuit without pressure,
23:01
presence without demand. It is when we have this
23:06
presentation of children who shut down.
23:08
The worst thing we can do is keep asking them questions.
23:12
Are you OK? What's going on?
23:14
Why are you not talking? You OK?
23:16
What's happening here? Anything like that?
23:19
When you think about a child who is in fight or flight and right
23:22
now in that shutdown mode, they're in flight.
23:24
You're you're exacerbating that. At that point, we're not making
23:28
it better. They need us to be present
23:31
without that demand. Oh, OK, expression #3 Here we're
23:37
talking about flood, which is that emotional overwhelm.
23:39
What does that look like? A child that is crying
23:44
hysterically. Crying hysterically.
23:47
Inconsolable distress. Sensitivity to everything.
23:51
It feels like you're walking on egg shells.
23:53
Tearfulness at the absolute minimum.
23:55
Things. What adults will describe this
23:59
as that aren't educated like us in the circle, you guys or just
24:03
haven't listened to the podcast yet that this sounds like or
24:06
looks like to them. They're just being overly
24:08
sensitive or they're just being attention seeking or they're
24:11
just being dramatic. What is actually happening in
24:15
the neuroscience is that the child's emotional system is at
24:19
capacity and any small strict trigger is the last straw.
24:24
It's not. It's not anything to do with
24:26
anything else other than trying to get and keep themselves safe.
24:29
So what do that child, What does that child need in that moment?
24:33
Validation without minimising it.
24:37
I can see you're feeling overwhelmed right now.
24:39
What did I do in that statement just then?
24:42
I used my tone, I used my affect, I used my verbal
24:47
communication, but I used it to validate without fixing, right?
24:53
Because that is the path of least resistance to help Co
24:56
regulate, which was everything we talked about last week in our
24:59
nervous system episode. OK, expression #4 the freeze,
25:04
the shutdown. This is oftentimes probably the
25:06
most concerning for me, certainly in the playroom, but
25:09
just in general in terms. So we see this in terms of kids
25:13
presentations as them essentially looking like they've
25:16
gone blank, they've gone very still.
25:20
They look kind of frozen. They look checked out, they look
25:22
zoned out. They say, I don't know, to
25:26
everything or they become kind of compliant.
25:30
What adults see is probably nothing.
25:35
These are the kids often in the education space in the classroom
25:38
that will fly under the radar because they look like they're
25:41
focused and staring at the the whiteboard or whatever, but
25:44
nothing is kind of coming in because they've essentially
25:47
frozen and checked out. So what is actually happening in
25:51
the brain? This is where the nervous system
25:53
shuts down. So you know how for the first
25:56
couple, the nervous system was saying, hey, we got to keep safe
25:59
here, so we're going to go into fight or flight.
26:01
All these kind of overwhelm happens where I'm triggered at
26:04
any kind of corner. The shutdown is where the
26:08
nervous system that that fight a flight, a free that freeze
26:10
component. Sorry is where the nervous
26:12
system goes. This is too much.
26:14
This is actually too much and we actually can't cope and it
26:16
starts to shut down. It's really when the child is
26:19
the most distressed, which seems counterintuitive, right?
26:23
Because they're not overtly kind of expressing big feelings,
26:26
they're actually their body. Then their brain is trying to
26:30
cope with the overwhelming their body and it's starting to shut
26:33
down. It's very serious.
26:34
And it's something that I encourage you if you're in the
26:37
playroom noticing these, to be staying very curious about.
26:40
We've talked about this in previous episodes, but for you
26:43
as a parent listening as well to take note of it because it is
26:47
certainly important. What can we do in that space
26:50
when that happens? And what does the child need?
26:52
They need presence. They need us to be gentle.
26:56
The child won't ask for help. They're not going to kind of
26:59
reach out and say, and so they're maybe not responding
27:02
immediately. But all of this, all of these
27:05
examples, everything that I have just suggested all comes back to
27:09
the nervous system and helping to bring that child back into
27:11
that window of tolerance that we talked about last week.
27:14
If they're anywhere outside of that in that fight, flight
27:18
freeze or what we talked in terms of overwhelm, they're not
27:22
going to necessarily be able to respond straight away.
27:24
So we need to kind of bring them down first.
27:28
So when we're talking about this, we're talking about a
27:32
dysregulated expression or behaviour being communication,
27:36
right? So when we're talking about the
27:39
explosion, what's the message coming from kids when they are
27:42
lashing out, when they're having those tantrums and they're
27:45
having those meltdowns, What's the message from the child?
27:48
Something like, I am overwhelmed and I have no other way to
27:52
release this. I need help regulating.
27:56
I need help. Seems counter intuitive.
28:00
I know because they're lashing out, they're aggressive, they're
28:03
heightened, that they're actually communicating this
28:05
overwhelm and this need for help to regulate when they're taking
28:09
off that bolt. This feels too much for me.
28:12
And I don't trust that this is safe and I don't trust that the
28:15
people around me are keeping me safe.
28:17
I need space, but I also need to know that you're not going to
28:20
abandon me. So it's actually, it's really
28:24
interesting to kind of put it in that way.
28:26
And I really love the way that that's expressed.
28:28
So it's important that I share it with you.
28:31
It again seems very counterintuitive, right?
28:33
Because if you see a child that is running away, it's actually
28:38
their way of communicating more than ever that they need help,
28:42
that they actually need someone to be with them and to be
28:45
present. It just doesn't seem like that,
28:47
right? The whole behaviour is
28:49
communication, the flood when they are feeling that emotional
28:53
overwhelm. I have been carrying too much
28:56
for too long and I finally run out of capacity.
29:00
I need to be seen and I need this to matter to someone.
29:05
Oh, oh, imagine. Gosh, I almost imagine because
29:11
my passion is in hearing kids stories and being able to hold
29:15
those stories, but also to truly understand a child's world.
29:20
Imagine if that was something that we had, you know, I'm just
29:25
imagining like a, a, a translator or like, you know,
29:29
some sort of mechanism where we can push a button and a child
29:32
could say this. So we get as adults, we get it,
29:35
but it's our job as adults to understand that, not the
29:37
child's. So these messages are so, so
29:40
important. If I seem like, if it seems like
29:43
you're walking on edge shells, if it feels like you know the
29:46
child's cup is full and one slight thing and it tips them
29:49
over the edge, they're communicating.
29:51
I've been caring too much for too long and I finally have run
29:55
out of capacity. I need to be seen and I need
29:58
this to matter to someone that gives me chills.
30:04
The freeze. So when we have a child that
30:05
disassociates the chucks down, what are they trying to
30:08
communicate in words? I have learnt that my distress
30:12
or my trauma or my emotions and my feelings are not welcome or
30:17
are not safe to express. It's not safe to do it here.
30:21
So I'm going to protect myself by shutting down.
30:24
I need someone to sit with me who's patient enough to wait.
30:33
Oh, take that in guys. Take that in.
30:36
Because that's what they're trying to tell us.
30:38
If we needed that verbal communication, that's it right
30:42
there. So what are they trying to tell
30:46
us is their unmet needs, it's safety, connection to be seen
30:54
and that they're struggling with their capacity.
30:57
So what do we do in the playroom?
31:00
We have a consistent environment.
31:02
I am the same play therapist that sees them every week at
31:05
2:00 on a Tuesday. The room looks exactly the same
31:09
week after week. The toys are in the same spot
31:11
week after week. What does that create with that
31:14
predictable and consistent environment and routine safety?
31:19
The first one, the attuned therapist, we invest as play
31:24
therapists so long in that warm up stage, in that first stage of
31:28
play therapy to build that connection of safety and trust
31:31
in that therapeutic alliance so they feel connected with us, so
31:36
they can then go to those deeper feelings.
31:38
Here's the next one, empathetic tracking.
31:41
Gary Landridge says I hear you, I see you, I understand and I
31:44
care. That's helping children to feel
31:47
sane and heard, making meaning and play therapy.
31:49
So many tools that we use in our toolkit, right?
31:52
And that non directive aspect of the work that we do offers that
31:57
space to help Co regulation to occur and for children to build
32:01
their own capacity for emotional regulation.
32:04
This is why we do what we do. You guys, there are so many
32:06
reasons. There's so many reasons.
32:09
So what can we do? And especially if there's anyone
32:12
listening who is a parent or any adult, whether you're a play
32:16
therapist, parent, caregiver, educator, anyone listening that
32:21
wants to have some of those tools in those toolkit to get
32:23
started. If some of this has resonated
32:25
for you, I want to offer you some takeaways because that's so
32:28
important. And I hope that this message has
32:31
reached those who are maybe really struggling in this space
32:34
and just really want to hold that hope for their child for a
32:38
better future. I always say that children don't
32:42
want to feel if, if you are really struggling with a child's
32:46
big emotions, children don't want to feel distressed.
32:49
They don't want to feel unhappy. They don't want to feel
32:51
uncomfortable. They don't want to be in this
32:53
space. They want to feel better and
32:55
adults do too. Adults want that for their child
32:57
as well. So what are some of the things
32:59
we can do during obviously that dysregulation, that overwhelm
33:04
where they go into that fight, flight, overwhelm or freeze?
33:10
Staying regulated yourself. You cannot regulate a child if
33:17
you are not regulated yourself. You cannot regulate A
33:21
dysregulated child if you are dysregulated.
33:24
If you were flipping your lid while your child is flipping the
33:27
other lid, you are going to get nowhere.
33:32
I am so brutally honest today, you guys.
33:36
This is either going to resonate for some people or I've
33:39
potentially lost some listeners. Sometimes this is the hard truth
33:42
that people don't want to necessarily hear but need to
33:44
hear when we're talking about what children need.
33:50
Because the path of least resistance is to understand what
33:53
children are trying to communicate so we can offer them
33:56
a space to address that so we can get to those good outcomes.
34:00
So what's the 1st Ave here? We have to regulate ourselves.
34:05
Breathe, breathe. Slow your body down.
34:10
Notice your posture. I've been talking to the team
34:12
about this this week. It's wild if you can, like,
34:15
notice. Are you hunched over or are you
34:19
more pushing kind of your, your, your shoulders back, your head
34:22
up? Because that is that state of
34:25
you going from final flight yourself into more of a
34:28
regulated state as an adult, Because that's our job as adults
34:32
to be bigger, wise and stronger, kind of right from a circle of
34:34
security point of view. Breathe.
34:37
Slow your body down. This isn't passive.
34:40
This is the goal. This is what we do in the
34:42
playroom because we stay regulated with a child, even
34:45
with their big emotions, to help to hold that space for them.
34:49
Less is more. You guys don't throw more words
34:53
at a child when they're dysregulated.
34:56
Fewer words, softer tone, slower movement.
35:01
A dysregulated nervous system is already overwhelmed, adding more
35:07
input is going to make it worse. You guys.
35:10
So get quiet, get low and slow. That sounds like for anyone
35:17
who's done. Oh my gosh my neuro diverted
35:20
brain wants to go elsewhere in Australia I think where it might
35:24
be more internationally. I'm not sure.
35:27
When they talk about evacuating in fires, get down low and go go
35:30
go. I don't know if that actually
35:31
connected for anyone. It's like 8:00 at night now and
35:33
I'm exhausted. I'm tangent, you guys.
35:37
Oh man, if you are still here, thank you.
35:40
Thank you for following along. I promise I get to a point.
35:44
I have a feeling that probably the listeners that do actually
35:46
stay connected are also out neurodivergent folk who can
35:49
follow my convoluted trail. OK, let's get back to it.
35:54
Get quiet. That's where I was.
35:56
Get quiet and get close if the child will allow it, but just
36:01
stay calm. Slow, calm, tone, OK presence
36:07
over problem solving when your child is flipped your lid.
36:10
Don't try and problem solve. Don't try and reason.
36:13
Don't try and get rationale from them.
36:15
Don't try and give consequences. Don't fix it.
36:18
Don't fix it. Don't explain it.
36:21
Don't start saying explanations for their behaviour and why it's
36:23
wrong or teach it through while they're dysregulated.
36:27
They can't do it. That brain is offline.
36:30
That brain is offline. It's not listening.
36:33
And wait for it to be online so you can have an effective
36:35
conversation. Can't do it when they're
36:37
dysregulated. I'm here, I've got you.
36:40
That's all you need to say. Stay calm, stay quiet, stay
36:45
patient. I've got you, I'm here when
36:48
you're ready. Notice how my tone changes.
36:51
I go a little bit calmer, a little bit softer, because
36:54
that's important after the meltdown, after the tantrum,
36:59
after they finished having that explosive episode, or when they
37:04
finish running away. When they've finished, I'm kind
37:07
of having those triggers of emotional overwhelm when they
37:10
come back to you and they're not so disassociative.
37:13
This is the moment for connection, not correction.
37:16
You guys approach with curiosity, not the consequence,
37:21
OK, A acknowledgement of oh, that was really hard.
37:26
Are you OK now? You OK?
37:29
That was a lot. That was a lot.
37:32
That was some big feelings. Before you start talking to him,
37:36
just connect, reflect and validate if there is a need for
37:43
consequences. And guys, it's on the fence here
37:46
because if we're talking about a triggered dysregulated state or
37:51
a meltdown, very often it is not, as I said at the beginning
37:55
of this conversation about them being naughty.
37:58
If you have a regulated child that makes a choice that may
38:04
involve obviously at your discretion.
38:07
And I certainly don't like to tell people how to parent, but
38:09
that may then be where you talk about natural consequences.
38:13
We address it and let it go. Address it and let it go because
38:18
a week in a child's world is so much stuff.
38:23
So while you as the adult might be holding on to it for weeks
38:27
later, it's not top of mind for the child.
38:30
They've had about 50 other things happen in their week in
38:33
that week. So avoid a lengthy processing
38:37
conversations. The nervous system needs time to
38:40
recover. So even if they've come back
38:43
down, they've had this explosive episode and they've come back
38:47
down and they seem calmer. Give them a minute, you guys.
38:53
Let's not dive into consequences.
38:56
Give them a SEC. Give them some time to regulate.
38:59
They need a minute to recuperate.
39:01
They're exhausted because their nervous system has gone into
39:05
fight or fight or oh gosh, it is really late fight or flight or
39:10
overwhelm or freeze. And that takes so much energy
39:14
out of the body. They're exhausted.
39:16
The amount of kids that I know that I've worked in play therapy
39:20
over the years who have such big emotional expressions, who talk
39:25
about big feelings, who might become triggered in the
39:28
playroom, who I help to regulate.
39:30
The amount of kids then, especially the younger kids who
39:34
then get in the car and sleep on the way home, I've lost count.
39:37
I've lost count of how many children of parents that will
39:41
describe that experience after therapy.
39:44
It's literally exhausting for them.
39:46
So let's work at their pace. We want to build capacity.
39:51
All parents have the absolute best of intentions that they
39:54
want to equip their kids with the ability to be able to
39:58
navigate life as they grow up. And we want them to be happy,
40:02
healthy kids, right? And we want them to be, you
40:05
know, kids that, you know, enjoy life, who have positive social
40:09
relationships, who are able to navigate.
40:12
Their community jobs, all those things, right?
40:15
We have all of that best of intentions.
40:18
So we want to build that capacity because that's
40:20
important. How can we do that as parents to
40:23
do that in a way that doesn't necessarily involve instruction,
40:26
verbal instruction, predictable routines.
40:31
I feel like I say that a lot to parents.
40:35
We're really talking about going back to basics, you guys.
40:37
And it's we were talking about this today in the training as
40:39
well. Because I really am in the
40:41
business these days when I'm connecting with my families of
40:44
really going back to basics because I actually think that's
40:47
what our families need more than ever.
40:49
Because we're all tired. We're all overwhelmed as
40:51
parents, all over scheduled and giving them 50 more strategies
40:54
is not going to help me. And no one gives them 50
40:56
strategies. I'm over exaggerating by giving
40:59
them tools and homework and things to try.
41:03
He's so overwhelming for parents as well.
41:06
So let's talk about the basics. A predictable, consistent
41:10
routine helps regulate their nervous system.
41:13
Co regulation. Practise moments of calm
41:17
connection. Even if it's just 10 minutes of
41:21
just playing with your child, spending time with your child.
41:25
This is probably going to kill some of the parents listening.
41:29
I don't mean that literally. I mean that figuratively to to
41:34
have an opportunity for 10 minutes to sit with your child
41:38
and not ask one question. That is presence you guys, where
41:44
we just sit with a child and observe them and observe and
41:48
connect with them in a way that is led by them as opposed to our
41:52
own agenda or asking our own questions or directing with our
41:55
own activities. Just being with them. 10
41:59
minutes. I say in lots of different way.
42:03
I was like thinking of the different times I use this
42:06
obviously in training with parents and when I'm doing
42:09
filial. Is the suggestion around 32nd
42:13
bursts of attention. I think I might have talked
42:14
about this before you guys. 32nd bursts of attention.
42:18
If nothing else, if a parent for 30 seconds can put down their
42:23
phone, turn it on, not do not disturb and literally just sit
42:28
and look at their child for 30 seconds, it sounds very like,
42:33
yes, very simple. And, you know, not very.
42:38
What's the word? I'm losing my words tonight?
42:40
Rudimentary. It's very, you know, that seems
42:43
too basic, right? For our parents who are
42:47
literally in the trenches, that can be like the hardest task for
42:51
the week is just doing that. So starting off small with our
42:55
expectations for us as play therapists to the parents and
42:58
caregivers that we serve, 32nd bursts of attention, 10 minutes
43:03
of of child LED play naming emotions without judgement.
43:08
It it's, oh, it feels like, or it just seems like you're really
43:12
overwhelmed right now. Oh, you've got some big feelings
43:15
right now. I'm not judging it.
43:17
I'm not trying to fix it. I'm not asking questions, I'm
43:19
not trying to direct it. I'm just naming it.
43:22
And also as adults, as parents, as caregivers, certainly for us
43:27
as play therapist, this is our job.
43:29
But for anyone else, if you are noticing these big feelings and
43:34
big emotions and big reactions and big behaviours that we've
43:37
talked about earlier, seeking support, don't do this alone
43:41
because this is something that we and I'm talking about the
43:45
geriatric millennials out there. Hello, are you guys listening?
43:50
Because we are not OK, you guys. I mean, the, the amount of
43:55
videos on my algorithm on my TikTok of like millennials, like
43:59
truly like losing it is real. So if you were a millennial,
44:03
geriatric millennial, I see you like we're in this together.
44:07
And like, where is the support group for the millennial, burnt
44:10
out millennials? Because we all are.
44:12
Let's be real. No, not all of us.
44:14
Some of you may be incredibly healthy in that space.
44:19
And I'm so jealous because I think that's for most of us.
44:24
We're in the trenches and we don't know where the light at
44:27
the end of the tunnel is, but we're also very confused.
44:30
So definitely get help. That's so, so important.
44:35
Let's pull it all together, you guys, because how are we going
44:37
for time? Just for funsies, Let's look.
44:40
Oh, 43 minutes, there you go. You've been listening to me rant
44:43
for 43 minutes. I hope this has been helpful and
44:46
useful to you. Let's pull it together, Let's
44:48
send you on your way. Everything we've covered today
44:51
when we're talking about the four different ways that
44:53
children can express those big, big behaviours, those unmet
44:58
needs, the need for Co regulation.
45:01
CCPT addresses all of it by design.
45:04
So how great's that we can meet that need as child centre play
45:06
therapists? And we do that each and every
45:08
time in the playroom. The playroom is a regulation
45:12
environment before anything else.
45:14
It goes back to my passion area these days as an avid advocate
45:19
for CCPT is before anything else.
45:23
Is that relationship first? What does that require of us as
45:26
play therapists to be truly congruent, authentic and
45:30
vulnerable ourselves? It takes courage for us to sit
45:34
in a space where we don't ask questions, we don't try and fix,
45:37
we don't try and solve, and we are being with.
45:41
But how incredibly healing and reparative that is for children
45:46
if we can do that. Our attuned presence is Co
45:50
regulation. So we're bringing it in the the
45:53
science here of the, the neuroscience, but also the
45:55
nervous system to talk about the value of child centre play
46:00
therapy that we offer each and every time we connect with kids
46:03
in the playroom. So child centre play therapy
46:06
meets all of these needs for kids so that we can hear their
46:09
story, we can help support them, we can help build some of those
46:12
skills to be able to cope with their mental load so that they
46:16
can stay regulated. It also offers this beautiful
46:19
opportunity for us as play therapist as well, to be able to
46:22
then share some of this information with parents who may
46:27
never have heard of anything I've just talked about before.
46:29
If you are a parent listening to this and have gotten to the end,
46:33
have I traumatised you with my, with my passion about regulation
46:40
and Co regulation? I hope I haven't, but there's a
46:44
lot here and and there's a lot of information that we've shared
46:47
today that gives us that purpose and validity behind why you
46:52
don't talk to kids or try and correct them when they're having
46:55
a meltdown. So my message for anyone in the
47:02
playroom that sees this escalation or that fight
47:08
response of the the explosion, we see that absconding in the
47:12
playroom, we see that emotional over overwhelm.
47:15
We see that disconnect. What are kids trying to tell us
47:17
about their world? What are they trying to tell us
47:20
about their nervous system? What are they trying to tell us
47:22
about their overwhelm and what are we seeing and what unmet
47:25
need is here in terms of, of communicating to us?
47:29
They need for safety, for connection.
47:31
OK, think and connect with that and, and attune with that before
47:36
any kind of responses because that's going to guide your
47:38
practise for parents, the next time your child's body takes
47:44
over for survival, remember they are not giving you a hard time.
47:50
They're having a hard time and they need you to be a regulated
47:55
presence that helps find their way back to themselves.
48:01
Oh, oh, you guys, that is big, big stuff.
48:06
Big, big stuff. Hey, I hope this episode has
48:09
been helpful and useful for you. This has been cathartic for me,
48:12
you guys. Oh my God, I love talking about
48:16
this stuff. I could talk about this stuff
48:17
for days because This is why I love Child Centre Play Therapy
48:19
so much, because we can help and support families in this space.
48:23
So what an honour and a privilege that is.
48:26
I hope that you've enjoyed this. Please, please, please make sure
48:30
that if you found this episode useful that you share it with
48:34
others, share it with your colleagues, with parents, with
48:37
families, you know, on the socials.
48:41
Again, I use the because I'm a geriatric millennial and that's
48:44
what we say the socials. Please share it anyway because I
48:47
would love to certainly get the the message out there about
48:51
child centre play therapy, what it's all about and how it can
48:54
support children, our communities across the globe,
48:57
you guys across the globe. So please, please, please check
49:01
us out on the socials. Oh my God, I said it again.
49:04
I need to go to bed on the socials.
49:07
Check us out on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok.
49:10
I'm not good at posting on the TikTok.
49:12
I apologise. I will get better at it.
49:14
I say that every week, but definitely on our Instagram.
49:18
Check us out. Also, we offer a free community
49:23
for those of you in our circle who would like to stay connected
49:26
with us. So again, check out the Circle
49:29
subscription that you will find via our social media accounts.
49:34
So check it out there. You can also find
49:38
it.viaourwebsite@playtherapycirclecircle.com. But we would love to hear from
49:44
you. Reach out to us, tell us what
49:46
are you looking for in terms of future episodes.
49:50
You know, check us out on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and
49:52
wherever you get good podcasts. We are holding the circle is
49:57
holding our very first conference in October in
50:00
Brisbane. I think I'm crazy doing this,
50:03
but OK, whatever, let's do it. I know I'm so excited about
50:07
bringing our community together. We are passionate about CCPT.
50:10
So I am so, so grateful that you are here.
50:13
And more than anything else, guys, what's most important is
50:16
that you are looking after yourselves and each other.
50:18
So please, please take care, regulate yourselves, look after
50:22
yourselves. Do I know what what next week's
50:25
episode is going to be? Absolutely not, but I will be
50:27
here next week again with another episode.
50:30
We drop weekly on a Friday, so check us out.
50:33
Thank you so much for being here.
50:35
Go well and I will see you again next time.
50:38
Bye for now. Thank you so much for being here
50:43
for another episode of The Play Therapy Circle.
50:46
If anything resonated with you today, I'd love it if you could
50:49
follow the podcast, share it with a colleague, or leave a
50:53
short review. It really helps others find our
50:55
circle. And if you have a topic or
50:57
question you'd love me to explore, I'd love to hear from
51:00
you. This space is for you and I
51:03
wanted to feel like a conversation.
51:06
Until next time, take care of yourself and remember you belong
51:11
here.