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How to Support Your Daughter’s Friendships · Raising Daughters

0:13
Speaker 1: Welcome back, friends. Dr. Tim Jordan here with a topic
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Speaker 1: that is topical because the school year has started. And
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Speaker 1: with the school year starting, it's not just homework and academics.
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Speaker 1: There's a lot of learning about relationships and friendships. And
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Speaker 1: I think sometimes parents are a little confused about what's
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Speaker 1: my role? How can I intervene? How can I help
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Speaker 1: my daughter? How can I support my daughter without her
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Speaker 1: pushing away and losing her. And so I'm going to
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Speaker 1: give you a bunch of suggestions today about how you
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Speaker 1: might approach your daughter's friendships, especially when she walks in
0:51
Speaker 1: the door with that look on her face, where you
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Speaker 1: can tell something happened today at school. First and foremost,
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Speaker 1: remember that girls in grade school, middle school, high school,
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Speaker 1: and probably forever, they're learning a lot about being a friend.
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Speaker 1: And there's a lot of reasons why that relationship aggression
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Speaker 1: stuff starts to happen. And it really intensifies, I think,
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Speaker 1: in sort of middle grade school, fourth, fifth, sixth grade.
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Speaker 1: The girls are playing with their social power. And they
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Speaker 1: have a lot of insecurities at that age, with puberty happening,
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Speaker 1: their bodies changing. They compare themselves endlessly because those mirror
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Speaker 1: neurons in their brain are on overdrive. And because they're
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Speaker 1: playing with their social power, sometimes they overdo it. Or
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Speaker 1: they use inappropriate ways to be powerful, i.e., drama, leaving
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Speaker 1: people out, that kind of stuff. And they lack skills.
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Speaker 1: We don't do a good job, I don't think, in
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Speaker 1: this culture teaching girls about conflict resolution, about how to
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Speaker 1: talk to each other, and even more importantly, how to
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Speaker 1: listen and mirror each other and come to agreements that
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Speaker 1: are win-wins. We don't give enough time to those skills.
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Speaker 1: So they're playing with their social power, they're very insecure,
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Speaker 1: and they lack skills. Remember that as opposed to just
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Speaker 1: judging them. especially that queen bee who gets too much notice. Also,
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Speaker 1: learn to be, if you're not already, a non-judgmental listener.
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Speaker 1: I've mentioned a book before that I love. I actually
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Speaker 1: have it here in my desk. It's called The Rabbit
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Speaker 1: Listened by Corey Dorfeld. And the reason I like this book,
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Speaker 1: I read it at my weekend retreats. I read it
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Speaker 1: sometimes at my summer camps. It's about this little boy
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Speaker 1: who builds this tower blocks, I think, and then he's
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Speaker 1: so proud and all of a sudden these birds come
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Speaker 1: swooping in and knock it down and he's fit to
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Speaker 1: be tied. Then a series of animals walk through and
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Speaker 1: try and get him to express things. Like a chicken
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Speaker 1: comes in and she says, you need to cluck, cluck, cluck.
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Speaker 1: You need to talk about, and this little boy's like,
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Speaker 1: I don't really want to talk about it right now.
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Speaker 1: Then a bear walks up and says, you need to
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Speaker 1: be angry. You need to growl. The little boy says,
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Speaker 1: I don't really want to be angry. An elephant comes
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Speaker 1: in and says, you need to think about this and
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Speaker 1: remember what happened. Basically, you need to ruminate. And the
3:10
Speaker 1: boy's like, I don't really want to do that. A
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Speaker 1: laughing hyena comes in and says, you need to laugh
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Speaker 1: this off. It's no big deal. And the little boy's like, well,
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Speaker 1: I don't want to laugh about it yet. It's not
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Speaker 1: funny to me. An ostrich comes in and she sticks
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Speaker 1: her head in the ground and says, you need to
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Speaker 1: pretend like nothing happened. And the little boy said, I
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Speaker 1: can't do that. Something did happen. A snake slithers in
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Speaker 1: and says, you need to knock someone else's stuff down.
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Speaker 1: And the little boy's like, I don't want to do that.
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Speaker 1: And then finally, this little rabbit hops in and sits
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Speaker 1: down next to the boy and just listens. Doesn't talk,
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Speaker 1: doesn't try and solve a problem, doesn't try and rescue,
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Speaker 1: just listens. And the boy starts to talk. And he talks,
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Speaker 1: he talks, he talks, he talks. He has some emotions
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Speaker 1: come out. And after a while, he's kind of like, ah,
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Speaker 1: I feel better. And then the rabbit hops off and
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Speaker 1: the little boy gets up and he builds a new
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Speaker 1: tower because now he's back. He's regulated and he's back.
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Speaker 1: So I think sometimes it's hard for us not to
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Speaker 1: jump in and try and solve our kids' problems. We
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Speaker 1: want to protect them. We don't want them to hurt.
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Speaker 1: And I think most of all, they just need a
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Speaker 1: good listener. Mirror back what you hear them saying. So
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Speaker 1: what I heard you say is blah, blah, blah. Is
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Speaker 1: that right? Tell me more. And let them unload. And
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Speaker 1: if you can do that for them and they know
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Speaker 1: you're not judging, you're just listening and trying to understand
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Speaker 1: where they're coming from, then they're much more likely to
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Speaker 1: feel safe and to come to you with their stories.
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Speaker 1: Another thing that you can do as a parent is
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Speaker 1: don't make it about you. Sometimes parents, the daughter will
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Speaker 1: come in and say, I had a terrible day and
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Speaker 1: my friends leave me out. I don't know what to do.
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Speaker 1: I'm so stressed out. And then the parent, instead of listening, says, well,
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Speaker 1: you think you're stressed out. Well, you should hear about
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Speaker 1: my day. And then all of a sudden they start
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Speaker 1: to rant. And then the kid's like, great, you're not listening.
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Speaker 1: You don't care. And they shut down and they walk off.
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Speaker 1: So make sure you don't do that. Our daughters also
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Speaker 1: need some lessons about how they give their power away
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Speaker 1: to other people, especially within their friendships. And on the
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Speaker 1: positive side, how do you keep your power? I've told
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Speaker 1: you before in the podcast about that wonderful Aesop's Tale
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Speaker 1: about the fox and feathers. This fox is walking down
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Speaker 1: the road one day and he's hungry. He sees some birds.
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Speaker 1: This is my version of the story. He sees some
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Speaker 1: birds up on a tree limb And he gets an
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Speaker 1: idea and he says, hey birds, I got a deal
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Speaker 1: for you. I'm willing to go dig up a big
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Speaker 1: old fat worm, a big old night crawler, and I'm
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Speaker 1: willing to give it to you. And all I want
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Speaker 1: in return is just one of your feathers, just one.
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Speaker 1: So these little birds huddle up and they're like, I
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Speaker 1: don't trust him. He's always trying to trick us. But
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Speaker 1: one little bird says, I'll do it. You bring me
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Speaker 1: a worm, I'll give you one of my feathers. So
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Speaker 1: the fox walks off, digs up the worm, puts it
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Speaker 1: on the ground. This little bird flies down, plucks out
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Speaker 1: one of her feathers and gives it to the fox
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Speaker 1: and grabs a worm, flies off and eats it and says,
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Speaker 1: that's pretty cool. That's like a free meal. The fox
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Speaker 1: the next day brings another worm. Same bird flies down,
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Speaker 1: plucks out one of her feathers, gives it to the fox,
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Speaker 1: grabs a worm, another free meal. And this goes on
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Speaker 1: every day for about a month until one day, this
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Speaker 1: little bird had plucked out so many of her feathers
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Speaker 1: that she could no longer fly. And the fox jumped
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Speaker 1: on her and ate her up. The end. The moral
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Speaker 1: of the story is don't give up your feathers. So
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Speaker 1: you may give up your power by not setting a
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Speaker 1: boundary with a friend or by allowing people to treat
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Speaker 1: you badly. You may do that, and one time may
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Speaker 1: not be a huge deal, but if it happens a
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Speaker 1: lot of times and you start to give away your power,
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Speaker 1: your feathers, if you will, then girls lose their ability
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Speaker 1: to fly as well. And fly means their ability to
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Speaker 1: feel happy and to feel empowered and to know they
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Speaker 1: deserve to be respected and have people take care of them.
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Speaker 1: So you need to let your daughters know about all
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Speaker 1: the different ways that they might give their power away.
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Speaker 1: I think I did a podcast about this. So I'll put,
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Speaker 1: if I have, I can't remember. I've done almost 400 now.
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Speaker 1: If not, I'll do a one on just that. But
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Speaker 1: keeping their power is so important. And being aware of
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Speaker 1: the times when they don't and the cost to them
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Speaker 1: when they don't. We also need to help girls value
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Speaker 1: all the different ways that you can be powerful and
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Speaker 1: be connected. A lot of times, being powerful ends up
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Speaker 1: being the queen bee. She's the one who holds all
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Speaker 1: the cards. She's the one who controls everybody, and people
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Speaker 1: are intimidated by that person. But what about the girl
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Speaker 1: who stands up for other people? What about the girl who,
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Speaker 1: when the queen bee says, no, you can't sit here
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Speaker 1: at the lunch table, even though there's a seat, the
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Speaker 1: girl says, there's a seat, and she pulls the girl
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Speaker 1: over and sits her down, who stands up for herself
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Speaker 1: and other people. A girl who doesn't give her feathers
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Speaker 1: away when someone calls her a name or someone teases her.
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Speaker 1: She doesn't let words hurt because she knows she's in
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Speaker 1: charge of her emotions, not the other people and not words.
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Speaker 1: There are lots of ways that girls can give away
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Speaker 1: their power and keep their power. I saw a girl
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Speaker 1: not too long ago who got ditched by her friends
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Speaker 1: at school. She was in a group and all of
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Speaker 1: a sudden one day the queen bee of this group
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Speaker 1: basically turned all the girls against her. And when she
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Speaker 1: came to sit with them, they said there's no room here.
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Speaker 1: They were having sleepovers, didn't invite her. And I think,
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Speaker 1: after talking to this girl one time, I think it's
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Speaker 1: because this girl is powerful. She's a quiet powerful. She's
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Speaker 1: not like a yeller or a screamer, but she did
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Speaker 1: not allow that queen bee to cause her to treat
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Speaker 1: people badly. She didn't go along with things. And the
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Speaker 1: queen bee doesn't like that. They want people to kowtow
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Speaker 1: and to follow them and to not question their authority,
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Speaker 1: if you will. I think that's why this girl was
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Speaker 1: being left out. I applaud her. I was like, you're amazing.
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Speaker 1: I feel, I'm so proud of you for sticking to
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Speaker 1: your guns and not giving your power away. And I
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Speaker 1: know it hurts because this girl has the power. She's,
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Speaker 1: the girls around her have given her the power of
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Speaker 1: causing them to act in a way that they don't,
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Speaker 1: they know is wrong. Um, so one of the things
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Speaker 1: that she, that she and I talked about, actually, I'm
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Speaker 1: going to talk about some of the things I talked
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Speaker 1: to her about in just a few moments. But I think, um,
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Speaker 1: Valuing those ways when girls keep their power and affirming that.
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Speaker 1: And telling them you're proud when you see that they
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Speaker 1: stand up for themselves and take good care of themselves.
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Speaker 1: We also need to teach girls how to handle their
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Speaker 1: conflicts effectively and peacefully. We need to teach them conflict
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Speaker 1: resolution skills. My wife and I have worked in schools
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Speaker 1: for years. We've been working in our retreats and summer
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Speaker 1: camps for now 36 years. And we teach girls skills.
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Speaker 1: How to listen. mirroring skills. We teach them how to
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Speaker 1: create win-win agreements, to keep true to themselves and keep
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Speaker 1: their power, but also listen and be flexible and to
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Speaker 1: create win-wins. I heard a quote one time from Martin
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Speaker 1: Luther King who said, people fail to get along because
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Speaker 1: they fear each other. And they fear each other because
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Speaker 1: they don't know each other. And they don't know each
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Speaker 1: other because they have not communicated with each other. When
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Speaker 1: we sit girls down one-on-one in the middle of our
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Speaker 1: circle at camp or in schools, and they talk about
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Speaker 1: how they feel about some issue between them, and they
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Speaker 1: get honest, they learn something about each other, about the
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Speaker 1: effect of their actions on the other person and vice versa.
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Speaker 1: So when they walk away, not only have they solved
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Speaker 1: the conflict, They've understood each other at a much deeper level.
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Speaker 1: And that's so important for keeping the peace in a friendship,
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Speaker 1: for keeping the peace in a friendship group, in a class,
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Speaker 1: at school, whatever. So we need to teach them. And
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Speaker 1: you can model that at home with sibling rivalry. When
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Speaker 1: the siblings are fighting, then sit them down and say,
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Speaker 1: I'm going to show you how to handle this. Let
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Speaker 1: your sister know how you feel. Let her know what
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Speaker 1: you want. Listen to her. Mirror it back. Now tell
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Speaker 1: her what you want and how you feel about it. Now,
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Speaker 1: how can you create a solution that works for both
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Speaker 1: of you? That is a life skill. You can do
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Speaker 1: that with your sons and daughters yourself. You can resolve
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Speaker 1: conflicts in that way. But I think it's kind of
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Speaker 1: nice if they have siblings to do that with a sibling.
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Speaker 1: And that also means that once we teach them the skills,
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Speaker 1: whether it's at home or in a classroom, we need
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Speaker 1: to allow girls to solve their own problems. You can
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Speaker 1: at first sort of be there to sort of guide it,
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Speaker 1: the conversations, to make sure it stays on track. But
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Speaker 1: once they get those skills down, then you don't need to.
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Speaker 1: You can say it sounds like you need to have
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Speaker 1: a conflict resolution with your brother and trust them to
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Speaker 1: handle it. And, you know, make sure they know that
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Speaker 1: you're not going to rescue them because you don't. I
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Speaker 1: would even tell them that. If you've been doing that
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Speaker 1: a lot, you can say, I feel like I've been
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Speaker 1: doing too much. And every time you come home with
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Speaker 1: a problem, I feel like I jump too much to
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Speaker 1: solutions and fixing it and stuff. I think you're old
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Speaker 1: enough now to sort of think for yourself. Please come
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Speaker 1: to me. I'll brainstorm with you. Maybe we can do
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Speaker 1: some problem solving. But I'm not going to do it
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Speaker 1: for you. Because I trust that you have the power
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Speaker 1: and the ability to take care of yourself in that way.
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Speaker 1: It would help if at home you're providing your daughter
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Speaker 1: lots of opportunities to voice your opinion. to lead, to
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Speaker 1: voice their needs, to resolve conflicts, as I just mentioned,
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Speaker 1: to set boundaries with their siblings and you, teaching them
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Speaker 1: the difference between being assertive and aggressive. We have role
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Speaker 1: plays I do in my weekend retreats and summer camps
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Speaker 1: because girls don't know the difference. They think setting a
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Speaker 1: boundary is being mean or being aggressive. And so we
13:07
Speaker 1: do role plays. And you can do the same thing
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Speaker 1: in your home. So they see that it's... Being assertive
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Speaker 1: is not being aggressive or mean. It's taking care of yourself.
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Speaker 1: It's a good thing. It keeps your friendships together because
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Speaker 1: you can resolve conflicts. Both of you speak your truth,
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Speaker 1: be honest with each other, solve it, and then move on.
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Speaker 1: So provide lots of opportunities at home for them to practice.
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Speaker 1: There's an expression I learned a long time ago. I
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Speaker 1: don't remember where. Actually, I'm going to tell you two
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Speaker 1: of them. One of them was don't play hot potato
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Speaker 1: with your friend's issues. In other words, they come to
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Speaker 1: you and they're like, oh my God, Jeannie is such
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Speaker 1: a jerk. She's so mean. She's always doing this and
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Speaker 1: they're ranting and raving and you're listening to all this.
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Speaker 1: And then they walk away going, whew, I feel better.
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Speaker 1: And then you're left holding the hot potato and not
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Speaker 1: knowing what to do with this information because you know
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Speaker 1: Jeannie and her parents and all this. And so sometimes
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Speaker 1: what we need to do is listen and then let
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Speaker 1: it go and trust that your daughter can take care
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Speaker 1: of herself. Don't keep those feelings because you're only hearing
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Speaker 1: half the story. Right. And so don't play hot potato
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Speaker 1: with their issues and with their emotions. Listen, maybe help
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Speaker 1: them to brainstorm some ideas, but then let go of it.
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Speaker 1: Let them solve it. It also means the second expression
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Speaker 1: is don't jump into your daughter's social pool and drown
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Speaker 1: with them. Don't get too enmeshed. It's their friendships. It's
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Speaker 1: their issues. So you can listen and you can advise
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Speaker 1: sometimes that they want it. But don't get so involved
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Speaker 1: that you become too involved. Because then it gets kind
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Speaker 1: of messy. And then it's like, it's not just your
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Speaker 1: daughter and her friend, it's your daughter and her friend
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Speaker 1: and you. So don't jump into their social pool and
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Speaker 1: drown with them and get all emotional and be upset.
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Speaker 1: And then when your daughter walks in the door every day, say,
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Speaker 1: what happened with Jeannie today? I've seen a lot of
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Speaker 1: girls who feel like they have to tell their mom something,
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Speaker 1: especially moms. Because otherwise your mom will be disappointed. So
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Speaker 1: don't do that. Don't play hot potato and don't jump
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Speaker 1: into their social pool and drown with them. Also, don't
15:15
Speaker 1: enmesh your stories with hers. We all had experiences with siblings,
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Speaker 1: with friends growing up. Sometimes some of those things were unresolved.
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Speaker 1: And sometimes we're still carrying emotions about those. I did
15:30
Speaker 1: a podcast recently about limiting beliefs. So you need to
15:34
Speaker 1: make sure that you're not bringing your old friendships emotions
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Speaker 1: and things into your daughter's friendships. Let me give you
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Speaker 1: an example. I had two older brothers and I was
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Speaker 1: the youngest. I was pushed around a lot. I was
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Speaker 1: a lot smaller. And I think in some ways I
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Speaker 1: was bullied. And so I have two sons and a daughter.
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Speaker 1: And my two sons, the sons are four years apart.
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Speaker 1: When we'd be outside on the backyard playing basketball, if
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Speaker 1: I saw the older one being quote-unquote too rough with
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Speaker 1: the younger one, I had to make sure I didn't
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Speaker 1: bring my childhood frustrations and angers from my brothers into
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Speaker 1: their relationship where it did not belong. I didn't want
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Speaker 1: to be too hard on the older one. I remember
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Speaker 1: one time my younger son, I may have said this
16:25
Speaker 1: once in a podcast, I don't remember, but I remember
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Speaker 1: one time he was outside playing with his older brother
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Speaker 1: and his older brother's friends, And he came in, he
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Speaker 1: was upset, he was crying a little bit. He was like,
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Speaker 1: they won't pass me the ball and they're being rough
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Speaker 1: and all this stuff. And so I sat him down
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Speaker 1: and I said, I know just how you feel, I think.
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Speaker 1: I said, I had older brothers too, and I was
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Speaker 1: the youngest one. And not only in our family, but
16:50
Speaker 1: also most of the guys in the neighborhood that we
16:52
Speaker 1: all hung out with were their ages, not mine. There
16:55
Speaker 1: was nobody in my grade. And so I remember times
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Speaker 1: feeling the exact same way. being kind of overlooked and
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Speaker 1: they wouldn't pass it to me and all that kind
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Speaker 1: of thing. So I told them what I learned was
17:07
Speaker 1: if I started whining to them, they wouldn't let me
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Speaker 1: play with them. And that's not what I wanted. So
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Speaker 1: I said I had to figure out a way for
17:14
Speaker 1: me to be able to play and to, you know,
17:17
Speaker 1: to get more passes and stuff. And so what I
17:19
Speaker 1: did was when they were down the street doing something else,
17:22
Speaker 1: I was out on the basketball court shooting and dribbling.
17:25
Speaker 1: I would set up cones and I would practice my dribbling.
17:29
Speaker 1: I would shoot. all over the place. So I improved
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Speaker 1: my game so that they weren't afraid to pass me
17:35
Speaker 1: the ball. I said, so if I was you, I said,
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Speaker 1: I learned I had to hustle. I had to play smart.
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Speaker 1: I had to practice. And that allowed me to play
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Speaker 1: with them and not get pushed around. So I said,
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Speaker 1: you do what you want. If you don't want to
17:50
Speaker 1: play with them, then don't play with them. But if
17:51
Speaker 1: you're wanting to play with them, don't expect them to
17:54
Speaker 1: come down to your level. You've got to come up.
17:59
Speaker 1: I think I helped my son a lot, the younger one.
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Speaker 1: I also think when there's friendship issues going on, I
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Speaker 1: want girls to trust their inner intuition, to trust themselves,
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Speaker 1: to be inner directed, to don't make decisions based upon
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Speaker 1: wanting to be liked or wanting to be popular or
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Speaker 1: wanting approval or wanting to be just like these other people.
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Speaker 1: Because if you do that, you start to lose yourself.
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Speaker 1: And if you lose yourself, not only do you lose
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Speaker 1: your feathers and yourself, you lose your confidence. It becomes
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Speaker 1: harder to take care of yourself in the friendships, harder
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Speaker 1: to set boundaries, harder to feel like you deserve to
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Speaker 1: be treated well. So trust your gut, I tell them.
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Speaker 1: Trust your intuition. If there's a friendship that's not going well,
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Speaker 1: I had a girl a month ago who, she was
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Speaker 1: getting ditched by her friends as well. And her friend
18:48
Speaker 1: and her friends, there was like three of them, their
18:51
Speaker 1: families all would do things together sometimes on the weekends.
18:54
Speaker 1: They would go down to the lake or something And
18:57
Speaker 1: she wasn't sure if she wanted to go because they'd
18:59
Speaker 1: been leaving her out for the past month. So I said,
19:02
Speaker 1: I had her close her eyes. I had her visualize
19:06
Speaker 1: what was going on. And I said, I want you
19:09
Speaker 1: to trust what your gut says. What does your gut
19:12
Speaker 1: say about, you know, trying to include yourself into that
19:15
Speaker 1: vacation weekend? And when she opened up her eyes, she said,
19:19
Speaker 1: I don't want to go. She said, I don't think
19:22
Speaker 1: it's going to be different. And I don't want to
19:24
Speaker 1: go through that, especially on a vacation weekend. So I
19:27
Speaker 1: think I'm just not going to go this time. And
19:30
Speaker 1: I thought that was a great choice. So they need
19:33
Speaker 1: to learn to check in with themselves to get a
19:36
Speaker 1: sense of what am I really feeling? How am I
19:38
Speaker 1: feeling about this? What do I want? What's in my
19:41
Speaker 1: best interest? What's good for me? And then make a
19:44
Speaker 1: decision based upon that as opposed to wanting to fit in.
19:49
Speaker 1: I would support their passions because when girls are passionate
19:54
Speaker 1: and interested and have an affinity to something, they will
19:57
Speaker 1: be more likely to, as I've said before, to engage
20:00
Speaker 1: in it and to get more out of it and
20:03
Speaker 1: to feel fulfilled. And I want your daughter to feel fulfilled.
20:07
Speaker 1: I want her to have self-love. and a sense of
20:09
Speaker 1: deservability because she's mastering something. She's feeling good about herself
20:13
Speaker 1: because if she does that, she's much more likely to
20:17
Speaker 1: take care of herself and set boundaries. People who have
20:20
Speaker 1: a high sense of deservability take better care of themselves.
20:24
Speaker 1: And they're less likely to get sucked into drama. They're
20:27
Speaker 1: more empowered than that. They don't have time for that BS.
20:32
Speaker 1: So I think that if one thing you can do
20:34
Speaker 1: when they're struggling with friends is make sure that they're
20:36
Speaker 1: spending some time with their passions and things they love
20:39
Speaker 1: to do to build themselves up and their feelings about themselves.
20:45
Speaker 1: You also can, and this is one of my favorite things,
20:47
Speaker 1: use indirect stories to help them raise their awareness and
20:52
Speaker 1: to teach them lessons about relationships. There's been some research
20:57
Speaker 1: that I read a long time ago that when parents,
21:00
Speaker 1: and especially this one study was about dads, when dads
21:03
Speaker 1: would watch movies with their daughters, It was really beneficial
21:06
Speaker 1: because things would come up in the movie and you
21:09
Speaker 1: could even pause it and say, what do you think
21:11
Speaker 1: about that? Or has that ever happened to you? What
21:14
Speaker 1: do you think she should do? Why do you think
21:17
Speaker 1: she feels that way? What else do you think she
21:20
Speaker 1: could have chosen to do? So you can look whether
21:23
Speaker 1: it's stories and books or movies. You can use those
21:28
Speaker 1: to teach lessons indirectly. It's not about them. It's about
21:32
Speaker 1: the movie character or the character in the book. So
21:36
Speaker 1: they can learn to empathize with those characters, understand what
21:39
Speaker 1: they're going through, and they also can think about what
21:42
Speaker 1: would I do differently. So use those stories and spend
21:46
Speaker 1: some time. Read with them. Watch movies and things with them.
21:51
Speaker 1: It's really helpful. I also would teach them. There's an
21:56
Speaker 1: old metaphor I learned a long, long time ago. It's
21:59
Speaker 1: called the overcoat metaphor. At least that's what I call it.
22:03
Speaker 1: So there's some girls who have been hurt a lot
22:06
Speaker 1: and they don't trust that people are gonna treat them well,
22:10
Speaker 1: and so they won't protect themselves. So it's kinda like
22:14
Speaker 1: they put on a big, thick winter parka, and they
22:17
Speaker 1: button it all the way to the top. And that's
22:19
Speaker 1: a metaphor for, I'm not gonna show them stuff, I'm
22:22
Speaker 1: not gonna share things, I'm not gonna be vulnerable with them,
22:25
Speaker 1: I don't trust them. So I need to have this
22:28
Speaker 1: overcoat on protecting me. So I tell them, if you're
22:31
Speaker 1: looking for some new friends, Then when you're with new people,
22:35
Speaker 1: what you can do is you don't need to take
22:37
Speaker 1: the coat off and just go, blah, here I am.
22:40
Speaker 1: Just unbutton one button. Share a little bit about you
22:45
Speaker 1: and see if they share back. And if they keep
22:49
Speaker 1: your trust and they don't share it with other people,
22:52
Speaker 1: then they've taught you that they may be more safe
22:55
Speaker 1: than your last friends. So then maybe you unbutton a
22:57
Speaker 1: second button and unveil a little bit more of yourself,
23:01
Speaker 1: reveal a little bit more about you. and see how
23:03
Speaker 1: they handle it. If they don't judge you, if they
23:05
Speaker 1: don't spread a rumor about it, then you feel like, wow,
23:08
Speaker 1: they're safe and I can trust them. Then you can
23:11
Speaker 1: unbutton another button. Eventually, hopefully you have a really deep, close,
23:15
Speaker 1: trustworthy friend where you can take the coat off because
23:19
Speaker 1: they've proven to you over time that they are trustworthy.
23:23
Speaker 1: And it's okay to do it at your pace, one
23:26
Speaker 1: button at a time, especially if you've been hurt. A
23:31
Speaker 1: couple more things and then I'll quit. One of the
23:34
Speaker 1: things I do sometimes on my retreats and camps is
23:36
Speaker 1: I have the girls make a list, their list. And
23:40
Speaker 1: if I have 20 girls in a retreat, then we
23:42
Speaker 1: have 20 lists. A list of the qualities of a BFF,
23:47
Speaker 1: qualities of a best friend forever. What are they like?
23:51
Speaker 1: How do they treat you? What kind of person are they?
23:55
Speaker 1: So what kind of qualities are important to you in
23:57
Speaker 1: a friendship, in a friend? So I have them make
24:00
Speaker 1: that list. Then I have them, make lists next to
24:04
Speaker 1: that of the people they're spending the most time with,
24:07
Speaker 1: like their friends. Then I have them compare the lists.
24:12
Speaker 1: Do these people that you're spending time with, do they
24:14
Speaker 1: match the list? Are they living out these qualities that
24:18
Speaker 1: you were saying are most important in a good friend?
24:22
Speaker 1: And it's surprising to the girls how many of their
24:25
Speaker 1: friends don't live out the list. So instead of you
24:28
Speaker 1: saying you shouldn't hang out with them, they're being a
24:30
Speaker 1: jerk to you, you need to find new friends, I
24:32
Speaker 1: would say, You tell yourself or figure out what's important
24:36
Speaker 1: to you and then measure your friends versus that. And
24:40
Speaker 1: if they're not living out those qualities, it might be
24:43
Speaker 1: time for you to start looking for some new friends.
24:47
Speaker 1: And that means sometimes they have to do some new things.
24:50
Speaker 1: The girl who I talked with recently, I told you,
24:52
Speaker 1: who got ditched by her friends, we talked about and
24:55
Speaker 1: brainstormed about some things she could do different. Like she
24:58
Speaker 1: was going to join a couple of new clubs this year.
25:01
Speaker 1: because she realized that I'll meet new people. And we
25:04
Speaker 1: talked about how she might want to do a club
25:06
Speaker 1: where the reason for the club isn't to be cool
25:10
Speaker 1: or to be popular. It was like a service club,
25:12
Speaker 1: for instance. Service clubs and schools tend to attract people
25:16
Speaker 1: who are kind, who want to be of service. That's
25:19
Speaker 1: a different reason for being together than to be cool
25:23
Speaker 1: and popular and all that. Maybe a theater group where
25:27
Speaker 1: different kinds of people, maybe a kid's never never hung
25:30
Speaker 1: out with the theater kids before, who oftentimes end up
25:33
Speaker 1: being really good friends. So I had them, you know,
25:36
Speaker 1: think about some different groups, think about some things you'd
25:39
Speaker 1: like to do different, clubs, whatever, activities, and then do
25:44
Speaker 1: that and start to spread your wings a little bit.
25:49
Speaker 1: All girls need safe spaces. And I think safe spaces
25:54
Speaker 1: mean spaces where they can be themselves and feel safe.
25:59
Speaker 1: and feel like they can trust the people around them.
26:02
Speaker 1: And sometimes it's hard for girls to find that. There's
26:07
Speaker 1: a story that I read a long time ago about
26:09
Speaker 1: Rudyard Kipling, the author. And one time, this was in England,
26:16
Speaker 1: he went to a zoo, and they had a brand
26:20
Speaker 1: new elephant that had come from India. And so the
26:25
Speaker 1: zoo owner paid a lot of money, and he was
26:27
Speaker 1: He was hoping it would be a great spectacle where
26:29
Speaker 1: people would come just to see this new huge elephant.
26:33
Speaker 1: And so there were some big crowds there right at first,
26:35
Speaker 1: but then the elephant turned mean. And he would raise
26:40
Speaker 1: up his trunk and make these loud noises. The caregiver
26:44
Speaker 1: of the elephant would go into the cage to feed him,
26:47
Speaker 1: and the elephant would charge this person as if to
26:49
Speaker 1: hurt him. And so when this went on for several days,
26:53
Speaker 1: the zookeeper thought, I what am I going to do?
26:55
Speaker 1: I don't want people seeing this. Nobody's going to want
26:57
Speaker 1: to see this horrible elephant. And so he decided that
27:01
Speaker 1: he was going to have to put the elephant down.
27:04
Speaker 1: So he thought, well, I need to kind of recoup
27:06
Speaker 1: some of my money. So he decided to make a
27:08
Speaker 1: spectacle of that. And he advertised, you know, they were
27:11
Speaker 1: going to put this elephant down. And hundreds of people
27:14
Speaker 1: came that day, and they were standing around the elephant cage.
27:18
Speaker 1: But before they put the elephant down, this little man
27:21
Speaker 1: with a little derby on his head walked through the crowd,
27:24
Speaker 1: He went up to the zookeeper. He said, I think
27:26
Speaker 1: I know how to help you. He said, give me
27:29
Speaker 1: a few minutes in the cage. I think I can
27:31
Speaker 1: help this elephant to calm down. And the zookeeper said,
27:34
Speaker 1: I don't trust. I'll be liable if the elephant hurts you.
27:38
Speaker 1: The guy said, I'll sign wherever you want a waiver
27:41
Speaker 1: saying I won't hold you responsible. So they did. And
27:44
Speaker 1: the man wrote his signature on the bottom of this
27:47
Speaker 1: piece of paper. And then he opened up the cage
27:50
Speaker 1: and the man walked in. And the elephant saw him
27:52
Speaker 1: and started making those loud noises and reared up. And
27:55
Speaker 1: this little man started speaking to the elephant in a
27:58
Speaker 1: very soft, calm voice in a language that was different.
28:03
Speaker 1: It wasn't English. And immediately the elephant started to calm down.
28:08
Speaker 1: And this little man slowly walked towards the elephant, speaking calmly,
28:12
Speaker 1: speaking in this language. And the elephant knelt down and
28:16
Speaker 1: the man started scratching him behind his big ears. And
28:20
Speaker 1: then the elephant stood up, and the man took him
28:22
Speaker 1: by the trunk, and he walked him all around the cage,
28:25
Speaker 1: peaceful as can be. And then he walked out of
28:29
Speaker 1: the cage, closed the door, put his little derby on,
28:33
Speaker 1: and the zookeeper came up and said, I don't understand
28:35
Speaker 1: what happened. He said, the elephant, I was ready to
28:38
Speaker 1: put him down. He was so angry and mean. He said,
28:40
Speaker 1: I don't understand what you did. And the little man said,
28:44
Speaker 1: this elephant is from India, and none of the people
28:47
Speaker 1: here speak his language. He said he was homesick. I've
28:52
Speaker 1: spent a lot of time in India. I knew his language.
28:54
Speaker 1: All he needed was someone who knew him and could
28:57
Speaker 1: make him feel safe. He said, I would suggest you
28:59
Speaker 1: find someone who speaks his language. And the man put
29:02
Speaker 1: his coat on and walked through the crowd and walked away.
29:06
Speaker 1: So everybody crowded around and said, who was that guy?
29:08
Speaker 1: They looked on that piece of paper he had signed,
29:12
Speaker 1: and it was Rudyard Kipling. So your daughters need a
29:17
Speaker 1: safe context as well. where they can be themselves and
29:21
Speaker 1: show up as themselves. It helps to find people who
29:25
Speaker 1: share their values. That's why it's nice sometimes to have
29:29
Speaker 1: that list of the qualities of a best friend, because
29:32
Speaker 1: I would let your daughter know if you live these out,
29:34
Speaker 1: you're more likely to attract people who also live those out.
29:39
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you, if there's somebody who doesn't
29:42
Speaker 1: match a couple of things that you like leave them
29:44
Speaker 1: out and you snub them. It just means be careful
29:47
Speaker 1: about who you hang out with. The mirror neurons in
29:51
Speaker 1: their heads and our heads, they're always looking at other people,
29:53
Speaker 1: comparing ourselves. We want to have a group. We want
29:57
Speaker 1: to belong because for two million years since we've been humans,
30:01
Speaker 1: I think, being together and connected in a group was safe.
30:06
Speaker 1: It caused us to survive. So that's a really important
30:09
Speaker 1: part of our brains. But they can be picky about
30:11
Speaker 1: who they hang out with. Last but not least, share
30:16
Speaker 1: your stories. When your daughter comes and tells you a story,
30:19
Speaker 1: a lot of times they feel like they look at
30:21
Speaker 1: you as a finished product. Like you've got it all
30:23
Speaker 1: together and you may have some good friends. It's like
30:26
Speaker 1: you wouldn't understand. I'm having all these problems with my friends.
30:29
Speaker 1: But in reality, they didn't see you when you were
30:32
Speaker 1: 12 or 8 or 15. They didn't see you in
30:36
Speaker 1: those vulnerable ages. So I would tell them some stories
30:39
Speaker 1: about you when you were a kid and what happened
30:42
Speaker 1: to you and maybe hopefully how you got through it,
30:46
Speaker 1: what helped, what kind of support you asked for or
30:48
Speaker 1: you needed. So they see that you really can understand
30:52
Speaker 1: their story. You really do see them because you've been
30:56
Speaker 1: through some things that may be similar. They won't know
30:59
Speaker 1: that unless you share your stories. Let me leave with
31:03
Speaker 1: a quote by Israel Moore Ivor. It goes like this.
31:10
Speaker 1: One word can end a fight. One hug can start
31:13
Speaker 1: a friendship. One smile can bring unity. One person can
31:18
Speaker 1: change your entire life. And one girl can change the world.
31:24
Speaker 1: I want your daughters to have a great year with
31:26
Speaker 1: their friends. So I hope these suggestions can be helpful
31:29
Speaker 1: for you to support them. You also can ask your daughter,
31:34
Speaker 1: how do you want me to support you with your
31:35
Speaker 1: friends this year? I don't want to solve your problems
31:39
Speaker 1: or fix things. I want to make sure I'm a
31:40
Speaker 1: good listener. If you feel like sometimes I'm not listening,
31:43
Speaker 1: let me know. Buy the book, Rabbit Listened, and read
31:47
Speaker 1: it together. I have no financial ties to the book,
31:50
Speaker 1: but look for books and movies and things where it'll
31:53
Speaker 1: spark discussions. Just like your stories from when you were
31:57
Speaker 1: a kid can spark discussions. Listen, listen, listen. Be like
32:01
Speaker 1: the rabbit and be a really good listener. And make
32:05
Speaker 1: sure that you support your daughters in the way that
32:07
Speaker 1: they ask you to support them. As always, I'll put
32:11
Speaker 1: a few links, resources on my website. So go there drtimjordan.com www.drtimjordan.com
32:21
Speaker 1: And those might be helpful as well. Maybe some older
32:24
Speaker 1: podcasts or some books that I like. I'll be back
32:28
Speaker 1: here with a brand new topic. I hope your daughter
32:30
Speaker 1: has a great start to her school year and you
32:32
Speaker 1: have a great start to your parenting your daughter and
32:34
Speaker 1: her school year. I'll be back here in a week
32:37
Speaker 1: with a brand new podcast. As always, thank you so
32:39
Speaker 1: much for stopping by. Oops, oops, I almost forgot. I
32:44
Speaker 1: want to ask a favor. I have been writing children's
32:49
Speaker 1: books for a while. 20 years ago, I wrote seven
32:52
Speaker 1: or eight rhyming books like Dr. Seuss and some other
32:54
Speaker 1: books stories that kids like, and I tried to get
32:58
Speaker 1: them published and sent it to some publishers and some
33:00
Speaker 1: editors and all that and got rejected, rejected, so I
33:02
Speaker 1: put it aside. It's been like 18 or 20 years.
33:05
Speaker 1: But I cleared out some time in my schedule, so
33:08
Speaker 1: I started rewriting some children's stories. A lot of them
33:12
Speaker 1: are stories I tell the girls at camp, and I
33:13
Speaker 1: decided to write them out. So I'm looking for some
33:16
Speaker 1: help in getting the books published. So if any of
33:19
Speaker 1: you have any information or would like to help me
33:21
Speaker 1: in that way, then just send me a note at www.drtimjordan.com.
33:28
Speaker 1: You look on my website and send me an email,
33:32
Speaker 1: and I would love that support. My email is drtimjordanmedia.com.
33:47
Speaker 1: But on the website, you'll see all that information anyway.
33:48
Speaker 1: So thanks so much if you can give me some help.
33:51
Speaker 1: I'll be back in a week.