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Bonus IMPROV - You're Going to Wish There Were Chairs · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  have you tried that thing where you breathe all the air out of your lungs and then scream
• 0:17
  no wait how do you do that
• 0:21
  try it
• 0:29
  welcome to very fine friends
• 0:41
  listeners at home you try that
• 0:46
  pause the track
• 0:47
  exhale completely
• 0:50
  and then scream
• 0:52
  and then get back to us and let us know.
• 0:55
  Do it around sleeping babies.
• 0:57
  Yeah.
• 0:58
  They won't wake up.
• 0:59
  It won't be a very loud scream.
• 1:00
  Yeah.
• 1:00
  You can't trust us.
• 1:02
  While you're doing that,
• 1:03
  we're going to do some bonus improv.
• 1:06
  Joe, can we get a suggestion?
• 1:08
  Your suggestion is empathy.
• 1:11
  Empathy.
• 1:13
  No.
• 1:16
  No, you're not for it.
• 1:17
  No.
• 1:18
  I'm for it.
• 1:19
  I love empathy.
• 1:21
  I wish the world were kinder.
• 1:23
  I always wonder what's going on in someone else's life.
• 1:25
  Why are they acting that way?
• 1:27
  Yeah.
• 1:27
  There's a lot of behavior that I'm like, really?
• 1:33
  Really?
• 1:34
  Yeah.
• 1:34
  Like, it doesn't even look fun.
• 1:37
  Like, being bad, but being bad in like a fun way, I get.
• 1:42
  Yeah.
• 1:43
  Like, robbing a bank and rolling around in the money.
• 1:46
  Totally.
• 1:47
  That's fun.
• 1:47
  it's bad behavior but it's fun but like just being an asshole to somebody like
• 1:56
  just like i don't know what's i had a saying for this i was gonna tell you
• 2:03
  it was about bad attitudes and being an ass but slipped my mind got a bad attitude are you an ass don be is that the phrase Oh wow Yes Yes I hear that all the time
• 2:21
  Yeah, it's...
• 2:23
  What?
• 2:25
  No, I forgot it again.
• 2:26
  Oh.
• 2:26
  Yeah, but empathy is super, super important.
• 2:28
  Okay.
• 2:31
  Some people just don't have it.
• 2:34
  Yeah.
• 2:35
  And a lot of those people know they don't have it, and they mask.
• 2:39
  Have you heard this?
• 2:40
  Have you ever heard of this book called The Mask of Sanity?
• 2:43
  It's about how psychopaths or sociopaths, I can't remember which, are aware.
• 2:49
  And they create a mask that they can present to society.
• 2:55
  So they know that they're hiding their true nature, but they need to exist among other people.
• 3:01
  So they lie, and it's crazy.
• 3:06
  And now, improv.
• 3:10
  Wife, please come here.
• 3:18
  Oh, yes. Yes, husband?
• 3:22
  I've decided to come clean.
• 3:25
  Oh, should I be worried?
• 3:26
  Yes.
• 3:27
  Oh.
• 3:28
  This is troubling news at best.
• 3:31
  And at worst, it will change your life forever.
• 3:34
  Oh, no. Hang on.
• 3:36
  Let me find...
• 3:37
  What happened to all of our chairs?
• 3:38
  They're gone.
• 3:40
  I need to sit down for this.
• 3:41
  No, I got rid of them.
• 3:44
  You put peanut shells all over the floor like a Texas roadhouse.
• 3:48
  The original, yes.
• 3:50
  So that I can't sit down on the floor without getting messy.
• 3:52
  All right, fine, I'll stand for this news.
• 3:54
  Stand on the peanuts.
• 3:55
  I'm standing on them.
• 3:57
  Thank you. Have a few.
• 3:59
  You know I'm allergic.
• 4:02
  Carry on.
• 4:04
  Here it is. The news.
• 4:06
  God, I wish I was sitting right now.
• 4:08
  I don't care about that wish.
• 4:11
  Which leads me to my next point.
• 4:13
  I don't care about anything.
• 4:17
  That's what I've been hiding from you all these years.
• 4:19
  All those birthdays I remembered made me sick.
• 4:21
  What?
• 4:22
  All the food I cooked you pissed me off.
• 4:24
  What?
• 4:25
  Picking you out from the airport, I wanted to kill us both.
• 4:27
  What I just don care There it is Honey Honey Don call me that Just Husband Shut up for a second Shut up
• 4:39
  Let me ask you something.
• 4:43
  Have you read...
• 4:45
  a book...
• 4:48
  called Unmasking Sanity?
• 4:53
  Yes.
• 4:54
  Is that why you're behaving like this?
• 4:57
  It's why I feel confident to behave like this.
• 5:02
  Why?
• 5:04
  Who wrote that book, honey?
• 5:08
  Dr. Mitchell Sandberg.
• 5:10
  Yeah.
• 5:12
  Dr. Mitchell Sandberg.
• 5:15
  What about it?
• 5:16
  Who cares?
• 5:17
  Now you're going to wish there were some chairs.
• 5:20
  What?
• 5:21
  You're going to wish there were some chairs.
• 5:22
  Oh, you son of a bitch.
• 5:24
  You're going to wish there were chairs.
• 5:25
  Should I go stand on the nuts?
• 5:27
  I'm Dr. Mitchell Sandberg.
• 5:32
  Shut up.
• 5:33
  I wrote this book.
• 5:35
  Give that book to me.
• 5:35
  Let me open the back jacket.
• 5:38
  Yeah, that's right.
• 5:39
  Oh, it's Michelle Sandberg.
• 5:43
  You didn't even care enough to read it.
• 5:46
  Oh, my God.
• 5:47
  Because I've been calling you wife all these years.
• 5:49
  Yeah, that's right.
• 5:51
  That's right.
• 5:52
  I wrote that.
• 5:53
  So you don't care either?
• 5:55
  No, I care.
• 5:56
  Not a lick.
• 5:57
  Ha ha ha ha.
• 5:58
  And I got you.
• 5:59
  The only thing I cared about in this world was getting you to unmask.
• 6:03
  I knew those dinners meant nothing.
• 6:05
  I knew that we both wanted to die after coming back from the airport.
• 6:11
  You've been treating me clinically?
• 6:13
  I don't even have a birthday.
• 6:15
  You piece of shit.
• 6:18
  I just tricked you.
• 6:22
  So let me guess.
• 6:23
  Somehow these roadhouse peanuts fit into all this?
• 6:26
  I love peanuts.
• 6:27
  I love them.
• 6:29
  Oh, you sick bitch.
• 6:31
  Uh huh. Uh huh.
• 6:33
  Where do we go from here?
• 6:35
  I was so excited to not care and you were going to be devastated.
• 6:38
  And I love the idea of that.
• 6:40
  Oh and I know now I this is the first time I ever really felt anything Watching you get crushed You wanted to show me how you didn feel anything
• 6:54
  Well, I tricked you into dropping your mask.
• 6:58
  Hey, Michelle.
• 7:00
  Ooh, that felt weird.
• 7:02
  Yes, husband.
• 7:04
  Did you ever read a book called
• 7:05
  Executing the Unmasking of Sanity?
• 7:10
  Yeah.
• 7:11
  Hmm, that's interesting.
• 7:12
  Who wrote that book?
• 7:13
  uh dr harambe sandberg well you're in for a treat just call me harambe what that's right
• 7:28
  oh my god the pack cover it's you that's me i've always called you husband i know i didn't know i
• 7:33
  didn't know that was your real name yes my whole entire uh relationship to you has just been me
• 7:38
  giving you the professional confidence to execute your framework.
• 7:43
  You son of a bitch.
• 7:45
  Oh, yeah, and guess what?
• 7:47
  All those times I picked you from the airport, I did care.
• 7:51
  What? No.
• 7:52
  I got there early. I was in the parking lot.
• 7:54
  What?
• 7:55
  Yeah, I was reading a book called How to Love Your Wife.
• 7:57
  No.
• 7:58
  Yes.
• 8:00
  No.
• 8:01
  No, no, no, no, no.
• 8:03
  My whole identity is being a psychopath
• 8:05
  and making you unmask yourself as a psychopath.
• 8:08
  You've been a caring, empathetic person this whole time?
• 8:12
  It's called layering, and guess what else?
• 8:14
  What?
• 8:15
  The peanuts.
• 8:16
  I've been giving you micro doses of them, so your allergy's gone.
• 8:20
  No.
• 8:21
  That's it.
• 8:21
  You did something nice for me.
• 8:23
  That's right, elephant.
• 8:25
  Because of the peanuts?
• 8:26
  Yeah, I got it.
• 8:27
  Yeah.
• 8:27
  Yeah.
• 8:28
  God, you asshole.
• 8:30
  That's me.
• 8:33
  Let me ask you this.
• 8:35
  Ask away.
• 8:35
  My whole life has been fulfilled just now.
• 8:37
  nothing could go wrong.
• 8:40
  Have you ever read a book
• 8:41
  called
• 8:43
  Weaponizing Empathy?
• 8:48
  And
• 8:48
  scene.