Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / High-Conflict Divorce? You Need a BOSS!

Transcript

High-Conflict Divorce? You Need a BOSS! · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Hi guys, It's Jenny Garth and we are back for
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: part two of my conversation with Samantha Boss. Who is
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: the boss when it comes to divorce coaching. I love
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: this whole business model that you've It feels like you've
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: created this space, this white space that everybody in this
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: situation needs. And also it feels like you are on
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: you help the person feel like we're a team. I'm
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: your biggest fan, I'm your cheerleader, and I'm also your quarterback.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: Let's do this. Here's what we're going to do.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: And everybody's case is different. And I think that's why
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: I get so frustrated with certain lawyers is they want
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: to use the same template on everybody. And nowadays, we
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: have kids with severe medical issues. We got military, we
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: got shift workers, we got people that want to homeschool,
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: we got you know, holistic and not wanting to do
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: doctors a point. We got all kinds of people out there.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Why are our parenting plans not custom to our family?
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Why are we using a template from the state of Indiana,
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: you know, the state of California. We're going to use
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: the same template that the last six families got dished out.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: But all six families have different dynamics. That is the
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: part that really blows my mind. And I hope someday, someday,
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: soon I can get in front of judges and lawyers
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: and say these have to be custom these cannot be
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: just boilerplate stamp it. Oh, yep, use the guidelines from
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: the state. No, it can't, because kids are the ones
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: that fall through the cracks when that happens.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Yep, because this.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: Is really all about the kids. I mean, this isn't
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: about I know I've been stating, you know, me having
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: to work with my ex, me having to work with
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: When I have to work with my ex, my kids
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: get a different version of me that they don't want.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: My kids want the peaceful mom, the happy mom, the
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: one that's not triggered, the one that doesn't feel threatened,
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: the one that doesn't feel bothered. That's what my kids want.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: But if I have to continue to worry work with
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: him and he does his high conflict bullshit on me,
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: I'm going to always comply because I don't know boundaries yet,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: and then my kids are getting a bad version of me.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: So the kids are the ones that pay the price
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: if your parenting plan is not good.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: They absolutely do. I think it's really cool that your
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: kids know the ins and outs of what you're talking
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: about and they have also their own experience of it. Unfortunately,
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: but it sounds like they, you know, it would be
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: very cool if they were on their way to helping
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: other young people.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: I know they will. They're going to deny it right now,
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: but when they come and do trainings with me, as
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: soon as they get off, they're like, Okay, I was like,
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: how's that feel. They're like, first off, that was exhausting,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: but they're like, that feels so good to share because
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: I know my story even though they don't paint me
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: as a rainbow unicorn mom. You know, they're like, that
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: story is going to help other moms not make the
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: mistake you made. And I'm like, hell yeah, because I
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: was a dysregulated mom those first eight years. I'll be honest.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: I was a screamer. I was a yeller. I was
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: a goal play with your brother, you know, like because
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: I had to focus on pause yeah, yeah, you know,
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: and I wasn't attentive to them. I was so distracted
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: with bullshit that I was a shit mom and I
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: was just angry all the time or I'd go on
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: a cleaning rampage, and they were just like walking on
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: eggshells in my house. Now all of us have had
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: a shit ton of therapy together and separately, so we're
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: all better. And I offered for them. I'm like, hey,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: is it okay if I share your stories? Absolutely? I mean,
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: because they're healed through their therapy. Of like, yeah, that's
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: our past. But if our past can help other people
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: share it, let's do it. They love doing trainings. They
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: love it.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I would too. It's just helping somebody on second when
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: they need it so badly. Okay. So I think that
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: one of the things that I realized in my situation
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: through my divorce that became a really big problem was
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: that me and my ex we talked way too much
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: over text messages, which is not good in terms of,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: you know, you can't tell someone's tone or if what
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: you're saying is being heard and effective in the right
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: way you and you can read so much into text messaging,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: and we just didn't want to talk to each other,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: so we fell into firing off texts whether they were
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: good or bad, and you know, and being short with
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: each other and then putting the phone down and walking away,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: which was so infuriating when you know, you're like, I
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: really need to work this out with you right now.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: Right right, Well, a couple of things. Number one, good
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: parenting plan. You won't have to talk as much, you know,
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: if you cover all the detail and you won't have
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: to be communicating as much. Number two, I mean, I
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: don't know how old you are, but I was before
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: the whole apps were out, you know, texting was like
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: T nine. Ing had just came out when I was
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: getting a divorce. That's how old I am. So like
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: people were like, why didn't you use an app? I'm like,
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: they weren't invented yet. Okay, people were actually still calling
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: people on the phone and having to talk. So I think,
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: first and foremost an app to you know, so you
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: have your really good parenting plan to limit plan out
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: as much as you can in there. But then if
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: something does fall through a sickness, a transportation issue something
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: like that, or hey I need to switch a holiday,
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: or hey I have to work or whatever, that's when
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: we got to go through the app. And or I
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: recommend my clients to always develop an email that's just
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: for divorce and co parenting and school stuff, something that's
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: not your work email, that's not your personal email that's
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: designed for I know, I'm only checking this when I'm
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: ready to think about divorce and co parenting, and so
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: you don't get a hold of me right now on
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: my work computer and ding get to blow up my day,
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: Ding interrupt my mood. You know, it's an email that's
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: completely separate that maybe you only have on your iPad.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: That's a good idea, or check somewhere else. But even still,
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: we talk a lot about I run a private membership
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: for moms only call the Next Chapter, and I do
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: it with my bestie Lea Marie, and I always say
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: she's the pretty calm one and I'm the high maintenance,
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: like off the wall, in your face, you know, person
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: in our group. But we run a membership group where
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: we give trainings on specific stuff like this, where we
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: break down and say, okay, if you're a thumb warrior,
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: we got to train you through like why are you
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: so emotionally dysregulated? Why do you feel the urge to
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: defend yourself against someone that's never going to agree with you?
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: And we break that down as to why, why why,
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: and we teach them gray Rock and we teach him
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: how to use chat GBT, but the apps are where
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: it's at, you know. That way, everything that does get
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: said could possibly be read by a third party professional
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: and then evaluate who is the problem. But yeah, the
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: whole urge to go back. A lot of that is
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: just a self worth issue. You feel like you have
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: to defend against someone that's never going to change their
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: judgment on you whatsoever.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: Or you're not right with them and you want to
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: be heard, but you're not going to be heard that way.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Never. They're never going to receive what you're delivering,
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: not the way you meant to deliver it. They will
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: always receive it differently. Like I tell the story all
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: the time of my ex husband. I sent him, you know,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: a message on email back in the day and I said, hey, Walker,
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: our oldest lost his tooth and I sent a picture
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: and he said, you know, why are you sending me this?
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: I knew his tooth was loose, and I said, I know,
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: I was just sharing with you. He goes, the tooth
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: has been loose for a week. How did you not
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: know that? Oh, you're right, Like, because I didn't tell
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: him the tooth was loose. A couple of weeks ago
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: when I didn't. It's just something so that I thought
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: would be joyful, I thought triggering me. I thought it
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: would be just the thing to like get us on this, like, oh,
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: thanks for letting me see you the picture. It was
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: as soon as I told him, I got braided of
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: how you know, I didn't take care of the tooth.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: That's probably why it was lost, because I don't brush
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: his teeth. It was just everything I ever did got
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: turned twist and hooked upside down to how I was
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: the bad person and I was a slow learner. Eight years.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: I did that shit until my kids looked me dead
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: in the face of the kitchen table one day and
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: they said, would you just stop? He hates you. Would
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: you just stop? You're embarrassing yourself. And that's when I
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: went to therapy and I was like, this is what
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: my kid just said. She's like, oh gosh, oh gosh,
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: we have some work to do. We have Yeah, if
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: your kids told you this after this many years, it's
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: been bad for a while and you've had blinders.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: On m Yeah, because they don't want to tell mom
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: she's not doing well. Mm hmm.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: And I was not doing well.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: And they don't want to see mom doing not doing well.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: No, and they were just sick of me getting my
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: feelings hurt. But it was like I was stepping into
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: the pile of shit every time on my own, you know,
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: I got out of the car, I walked up to
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: him at sporting events, I was engaging with him like
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: because I thought, I want everybody see that I'm not
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: the problem. I want my kids to see I'm not
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: the problem. Like, look at me being nice. I look
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: like fucking Mary Poppins. Everywhere I went like joy, Joy, Joy,
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: and then he's just blah blah blah. And it was
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: just it was humiliating what I put myself through because
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what boundaries. I didn't know I could
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: say no. I didn't know I could stay in the car.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: I didn't know. I didn't have to talk to him
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: like I felt obligated too, because I had a court
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: system saying be the better parent, be flexible, be a
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: good girl. Let the judge like you don't be a problem.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: So I didn't know what that meant to me. It
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: met kisses ass and it wasn't hey teach boundaries because
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: what ended up happening by me not having boundaries is
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: both my children became people pleasers, and then they lost
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: themselves for a while, and then I found boundaries, and
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: then man, they jumped on the bandwagon right after me.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: And now they're both bad asses and very independent and
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: do whatever the hell they want, whoever they want, when
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: they want. But that took a lot of work for
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: us all to get there.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, I feel like I'm listening to my
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: life played back for me in so many of these situations,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: so I can really see how being I mean, at first,
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: I was like a membership. I don't want to be
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: a member of the divorce People's Club, Like that doesn't
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: sound fun. But now hearing you explain it, you call
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: it the next chapter.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: We call it the next chapter. It's a monthly membership.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: We give a new training every Monday. There's one hundred
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: hours worth of trainings already in there, and then we
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: run two q and as a month, so you can
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: post a question, jump on, or just watch the recording.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: So it's all women right now that are all dealing
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: with high conflict divorces or high conflict co parting journey,
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: so that they're in that middle phase, right they were
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: just married, and we are that middle ground of like,
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: let me build you back up, sister, let me give
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: you all the tools. We have stuff in there about finances,
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: about fitness, about money, about parenting as a single parent,
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: discipline as a single parent, how to do it when
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: your kids don't want to go all kinds of stuff,
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: of like stuff they're too ashamed to ask people. You know,
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: you're too embarrassed, or you're just like, I don't anybody
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: know how toxic this shit is. Hang out with strangers, don't.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: They don't know, they don't know. And we are building
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: such a great safe community for people to be vulnerable
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: and open up. We gave a training yesterday about boundaries
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: and I just spoke some truth about I sucked at boundaries,
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: and I couldn't believe how many women were like, I'm ashamed,
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: but I do this too, I do this too. I'm
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: too scared. I'm too And it's just like, I think
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: that was a game changer for every woman on there
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: to hear that here's this woman on you know, their
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: their social media all the time that they look up
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: to that I didn't have it all together at all
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: for eight years. So I just want I don't want
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: women to lose eight years. I want them to lose
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: eight weeks and they figured it all out and they're good,
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: not eight years like I did. I lost eight years
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: with my kids because I was just attracted with bullshit.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: That sucks, it does.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry for you. I'm so sorry for me.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: I haven't calculated the amount of years that I lost,
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: but it's probably about eight ears, honest to God, of
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: me being in my own torture device.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: Because nobody was talking about it back then. You know,
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: nobody was talking and there wasn't TikTok and all these
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: social media, and it was embarrassing.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to talk about it because I felt
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: like I was a failure. I had done this. It
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: was my fault somehow.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's just.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: So many emotions that take over your mind and situations like.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: That exactly, and so I think that's why I love
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: doing it. You know, like some people may be embarrassed,
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: They're like, I can't believe you just told that story.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: I used to smoke and drink in my garage once
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: my kids went to bed.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, I love you so much.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: That's how I put it.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Was in your garage were you sitting in a lawn
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: chair at all.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: No, I was sitting on the steps to the door,
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: and I hid the cigarettes and the tennis shoes right
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: next to the door. Like I didn't make it hard.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: I didn't make it hard. But I quit smoking when
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: my son caught me at a golf outing one time.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: I took a drag off someone's cigarette and he was like,
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: that's disgusting. And I was like, okay, girl, it's about time.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: Do you get your shit together? And that was right
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: when my awakening started to happen, of like, do you
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: even love yourself? You know, like you're so worried about
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: this man being nice to you that hates your gutsy?
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: You love yourself? Right now? Are you proud of yourself?
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: And it was it was a deep dive and you
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: own it and that's just.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: What it takes. That's what it takes. I had a
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: I thought I was going to go to this therapist
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: and we were going to save our marriage. But I
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: didn't know we were going to this therapist and he
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: had planned to end our marriage at that session. And
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I remember one thing from that therapy session, and it
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: was the therapist looking meat straight in my eyes. And saying, Jenny,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: why do you want to love a man who doesn't
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: love you? Ouch? Okay, I gotta go now, like it
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: just like hit so hard.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: Well, that goes with divorce and coparenting. So my kids
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: were basically telling me, and this is what my therapist
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: later said, why are you treating him with kind words
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: when he disrespects you? What are your kids going to
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: do when they're future boyfriend or employer or peer treats
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: them like shit? Are you? You're gonna want your kids
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: to fuck you, you know, and stand up for themselves.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: But what are they mirroring right now? They're watching you
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: still go back to a man that keeps treating in
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: front of them. He was not shy. He would do
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: this in front of them and talk about me behind
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: my back to them, and then they're watching you still
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: be Mary Poppins all the time, like no way, You're
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: gonna have to show them what boundaries and getting rid
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: of people.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: And knowing you're worth like yes, finding out like I
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: actually my time, my words, this is all I'm worth
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: something more than yes.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I just got that tattoo worth on my
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: arm because I absolutely did. Because that word I think
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: is What saved me is I'm worthy of being special
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: like this. I'm not defined by him saying you're a
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: piece of shit, Mom, You're this, You're that. I have
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: worth And that's why I'm good at my job is
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: because I can. I do have value. I am an
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: expert in.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: I recognize that in yourself. Yeah, and it's amazing.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: I have two more kids with my husband who are
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: only six and five because I'm crazy and had kids
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: at forty Oh yeah, yeah, whoe is right? And the
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: way I parent these two hindsight, Like. I have emotional
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: stories like out the wazoo of looking back on how
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: much I was not emotionally regulated for the first two
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: and how I am now. And even when my bigs
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: come home, they're like, these two have it fucking easy, man, Like,
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: they don't see you crazy. They don't see you bouncing
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: off the walls, yell and scream and crying, you know,
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: throwing a fit, raging, you know whatever. And I'm not.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: I'm at peace now because I know my self worth
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: and back then I didn't. And again, thank god we
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: had therapy and I've worked through things with the big kids.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: But they recognize it and they're proud of me. You
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: know that I put the work in so that their
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: brothers have different lives than what they have had. But yeah,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: there was a lot of things that happened for my kids.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: And I know there's women out there and dads who
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: are emotionally disregulated, and you got to figure it out.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: You have value, you have worth, and you should love
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: yourself and you got to work on all that shit
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: before you can ever be able to deliver it to
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: your kids, ever be able to find somebody new and again,
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: my business partner, Leah, she jumped from one marriage to
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: the next because she didn't have worth, you know, and
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: then then she worked on it and then she found
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: the man of her dreams.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: It takes work, yes, and nobody wants to do that work,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: spending time with yourself, listening to yourself, like loving yourself
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: up when.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: It's not easy, exactly exactly.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: So, so I have goosebumps for you because I'm so
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: happy that you've found your worth and you have, you know,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: this feeling of assuredness behind you now, like that you
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: just unstoppable. But that's what happens to us women, you know,
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: we sometimes it might take some other some people longer
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: than others to learn these important things, but we all
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: eventually learned them.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Absolutely. I mean, I'm glad I learned them. I'm sorry
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: it took eight years, but I have eight years worth
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: of great moments to be able to teach other women about.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: That's right. What about co hosting birthday parties for your
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: kids when you're going through a high conflict divorce. Should
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: you avoid that? Should you be hosting them together separately?
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: What has what do you think?
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: I'm a rip the band aid off. We're doing everything
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: separate from here on out. And here's why. And this
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: is where people and divorce have blinders on, because they're
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: doing what they think the children want and what they
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: think that will appear as in unity. Kids act different
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: with each parent. I don't care even if you're married
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: your kids. When one of you is home and the
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: other one comes home, your kids flip a little bit
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: and act a little bit different. Nothing could be more
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: true in a divorce setting, especially one of high conflict.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: You know, my Joe was one example. She was a bubbly,
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: you know, singing, dancing, spinning down the hallway type of
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: kid when she was with me. She was very reserved
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: with her dad, so if we would have had a
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: birthday party together, she would have had to pick which
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: personality she wanted to be, and hands down, kids always
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: picked the high conflict personality parent to cater to because
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: they fear loss of love or that parent being like
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: why are you acting that way? You know, judgment. So
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: having them together, it's not always what your kids want.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: I know, maybe you have a six year old or
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: a seven year old and divorce is fresh and they're like, yes,
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: I want you both there, blah blah blah. That's great,
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: But ultimately I also have to ask what's my self worth?
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: Do I put myself in a binding position for an
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: hour and a half just to please my child, So
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: then I'm frozen in fear for an hour and a
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: half that he's going to come in my ear or
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: say something to me, or embarrass me, or you know,
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: talk to the whole room about I'm not putting myself
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: in that position. I have higher value of myself, so
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to even put myself there. So I'm
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: ten out of ten do not recommend no separate. I
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: can have a great party. And here's what you'll realize
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: in going through divorce. One of you will be the
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: friend party person, and one of you will be the
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: family party person. One of you will be the scavenger
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: hunt person, that's who I am. One of you will
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: be the you know, slip away for a holiday, you know,
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: a birthday. You will find your own dynamic. You don't
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: have to have a party. This is where you need
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: to start knowing your kid and making it special and unique.
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: Don't do what the Joneses do across the street. Do
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: something cool when you're in a divorce, just to eliminate
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: that whole thing. You know again, second set of kids,
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: I don't do big birthday parties, never doing that shit again.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: We will do something special, we are not. I'm not
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: hosting thirteen so.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna stay up until two am making a pinata
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: from scratch.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Never ever, because I'm gonna be my sixties by the
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: time that shit happens. So it's never ever, you know, like,
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: I'm just not doing that. And again, I think that's
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: where what's important to me. I'm not. You shouldn't be
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: doing things just because other people are. Well, you know,
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: Kevin's parents are married and they're having a group where
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: both they're apparently, then.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: You feel like you feel bad because you're not able
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: to have such a peaceful situation. There were times when
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: I opened up my home to my ex and his
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: new girlfriend, and I'll never forget that, you know. I
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: had tried to be so strong and.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: Stoic, and then you're exhausted afterwards.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: It was my yeah. And I remember sitting there and
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: watching a video compilation that he had put together for
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: the for our daughter for her birthday, and everybody crowded
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: around in the family room and watched this fun video
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: and laughing and having the best time watching it. And
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: there were no images of their mother in the video.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: Not only that, but the new girl that was being
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: basically told to have a life with was the star
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: of the movie, like it was. She was like the queen.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: And I was like, is this really happening?
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: He did that and slept well at night. And that's
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: where people need to wake up, Like, I'm not setting
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: myself up for that anymore, because.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: They're not thinking, what how is she feeling about it?
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: They don't care, they don't care. They're in it's just
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: not who they are.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: They're onto something else.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: We went out of our way to make sure we
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: had his favorite drink, you know, Hey, what does she enjoy?
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: Is she a white wine? Red wine? Girl? Like, let
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: me make sure you made sure shit they were comfortable
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: in your home. But then they did not reciprocate. And
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: that's where when that happens once or twice, that's a
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: pattern behavior. Put that on your bingo card and start
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: learning it, because then it's on you if you keep doing.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: It, because you're allowing it to happen. Absolutely, and nobody's
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: gonna be mad at you or think you're a bad
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: person if you don't go to your kid's birthday party.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Protecting yourself and that's way more important and your kids. Honestly,
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I feel like my kids were always on pins and
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: needles whenever we were together, although they wanted that desperately,
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: and they would say, can we just all have dinner?
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: Can we all be together? Because they want that old
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: family unit back together, But the reality of it, it
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: didn't feel good when it was happening. And it wasn't
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: until I found that piece that you talk about finding
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: after eight years that my kids were like, I feel like,
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: now we can be together in the same room and
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: we can have those family experiences again, and there's just
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: there's nothing there for me no emotional pull or desire
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: to prove anything or.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah it's easy. I think eight years was toxic. I
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: went through a phase where I rebuilt and we rode
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: in the car together to a tournament and my daughter
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: rode home with us, and she was like, it was silent.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: Like the first two minutes, She's like, this is so
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: fucking weird. Like, yeah, she was in high school, but
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: she was like this, this is so bizarre that you're
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: both She was one when we got divorced. She's like,
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: I've never been in the car with the both of
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: you that I can remember now. It was a short
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: phase where we got along. That that phase was a
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: very small window in her life where we were, you know,
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: kumbayaing it. But that car ride was memorable. It's funny
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: now to look back on that. It was all just
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: a facade, probably by both of us, but we did it.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: But yeah, it's okay to not ever have those moments again.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: And now looking back on it, she would she's trained,
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: and so does my son Walker. They will say, no,
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: don't do shit together because we are different people in
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: front of each parent, and then we don't know who
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: to be and then we have our friends around going
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: why are you acting that way? You know? And it's
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: because there's one parent there that they don't feel comfortable
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: being their true selves with. So no, I think your
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: kids will adjust when you adjust, But if you're not
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: adjusted to it, then you're gonna And here's the other tip.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: Stop asking your kids what the hell they want.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: They're kids, they don't know.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Why are you seeking validation from a seven year.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: Old because you want so badly to make them happy,
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: you'll basically do anything.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: No, it's I don't think it's happened.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: Is it the guilt of the divorce.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: I think it's you want to make sure they're okay
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: with you. You want to make sure that kiddo's still
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: okay with you. Kiddo, you know what do you want?
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: If you want me to go there, I'll go. No,
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: this is where I need to teach my kid a
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: boundary early on. Kiddo. I know you may want us
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: both there, but I didn't ask you. But if you
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: came and told me, I'm responding, and I'm saying, kiddo,
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: I know you may want us both there, but that's
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: not good for mom. So how about as soon as
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: it's done, I'll pick you up and then we'll go
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: out for ice cream afterwards. But we're not going to
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: be the same place at the same time. Okay, I'm
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: not leaving it up for a discussion, but I think
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: I have a lot of parents that'll say, you know, hey,
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: you know, it's almost time for dad to pick up
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: you know, do you want to go? It's like, why
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: are you even asking your kid that? Like the whole
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: reassurance thing, we can't be seeking from children. We have
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: to know that we're making good decisions because we're a
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: good parent.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we're the parents. What about spring break? Spring break
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: is is here, it's happening, Summer's coming. What about vacations
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: and how that can affect this love to bea and
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: the parenting plan?
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: So spring break I love to do every other year,
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: so you could even years I get odd years. I
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: know a lot of people are like, let's slit it
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: in half. No way, man, I want to be gone
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: for a full week during my year, and you can
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: be gone during a full week on your year. I'm
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: not coming back on a Wednesday, because then what if
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: there's a delay and then now my vacation plans. I
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: was leaving Wednesday night, and now you've screwed me up.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: So we're just doing a whole week. You know. Here's
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: the tricky part, though. We got to put specifics in
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: there about do we get both weekends or just one weekend?
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: So am I going on vacation for spring break? Leading
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: my weekends the first and then it goes for that
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: whole week and then I have to be back by Friday,
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: or do I get to take that second weekend? Those
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: kind of details really really matter for vacations. I recommend
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: three weeks, and some people are always going to look
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: at me and say, Sam, I'm middle class. I can't
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: do three weeks vacation. Are you kidding me? And here's
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: my perspective on that. Two weeks is pretty normal, but
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: that third week is for a buffer when you have
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: a high conflict X and you say, hey, my sister's
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: getting married in October. It looks like it falls on
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: your weekend. Can I have the kids? No?
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: No?
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: Okay, Then I'm booking a week my third week of
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: vacation over that weekend, and now he can't take away
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: that wedding opportunity. That third week is used as a
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: buffer throughout the year for any special occasions that you
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: may need. You can call in your vacation because they
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: can't deny a vacation if your paperwork is written really well.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: And the other thing about picking three weeks is I
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: want people to start manifesting and understanding that you won't
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: always be poor. If you change your mindset, you won't
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: always be paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving. You will, especially
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: if you stop going after old toxic money. If you
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: start focusing on rebranding yourself, getting confidence, self worth, you're
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: going to attract not only new people, but new opportunities,
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: and so you can afford three weeks vacation. I would
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: have never thought that at the beginning either when I
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: was a teacher on a teacher salary. But now I
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: can definitely afford three weeks vacation. But my parenting plan
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: would have been built just on me being a teacher
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: and that salary. Your life's going to change if you
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: want it to.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: Yep, you have to clear the way though, clear them
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: bad out.
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: Yes, get all.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: Of the effects, the lingering effects of all that negativity
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: out of your life, out of your mind, and reframe
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: and go on a different path. Because guess what you
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: get to now you get to do whatever you want.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, you know, in vacations again, I push my
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: people to do year round vacations January to December, because
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: not everybody can take off work in June and July
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: with their jobs, and it's very pricey to travel just
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: during those months. But again, this is a moral compass
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: question between you and your ex during mediation. Do you
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: believe that school's more important than in family time? You know,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: if you pick three weeks of vacation, your ex gets
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: three weeks of vacation, that six weeks if the kids
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: could miss of school, could you put parameters that only
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: two weeks could be during the school year and the
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: rest of it has to be during the summertime. Again,
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: that level of detail, you know, some people may listening
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: be going, oh my gosh, she's a control freak. Push
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: come to shove. You are looking at it from just
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: your perspective. You're assuming that the other side is going
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: to have the exact same perspective. And I can tell
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: you I wouldn't be popular if that statement was true. Though.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: You have to write down what you want it to mean,
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: not what you think it should mean. But what does
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: that mean? I write mine at the level that a
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: third grader can understand it. It's not written in legal jargon.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: It's very simplistic. Parent will do this, Mom will do this,
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: Dad will do this. Parent one, parent two. However it is,
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: it's got to be easy to follow, not these big, huge,
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: long paragraphs where you have to have a flow chart
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: next to you with notes. None of that.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: No, but it's got time for that note.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: No, I have to call my lawyer. What does that
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: paragraph mean?
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: No way.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Well, this has been such a fascinating conversation, Samantha. I
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: just think you're doing God's work basically, you know, coming
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: in and helping people in this such a vulnerable time.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: And it's really amazing that you're offering this to people.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: And I actually, if I was in a different situation,
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: different time in my life, I would join your club,
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: your next chapter club.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you. It's been awesome being on and
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: I hope the listeners just know that don't be ashamed,
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: don't be embarrassed. It's part of it. It's where you're at.
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: You might as well get as much information as you
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: possibly can and know that you've done every thing possible
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: to make the best choice. I have a lot of
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: people that find me too late, like we said at
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: the beginning, where they're like where were you? Or I
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: didn't believe you, or man, you were right, Like don't
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: let that be you.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: Maybe I could put you on a retainer just like,
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: you know, just in case.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, but I don't want it to have them.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: But oh my gosh, you're great. I think you're just great.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: So keep it up, keep going, You're doing great.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: Are you going through a high conflict of oors and
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: need some guidance feeling like maybe you don't know what
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: to do? Email us or call us. We are here
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: to help. All of the info is in the show notes.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: the podcast. I Do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: falling in love is the main objective.