Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #80 Tech Addicted Teens

Transcript

#80 Tech Addicted Teens · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, where
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Luke and Suzie parents of three little boys, and this
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  Speaker 1: is the podcast for those of us who are time
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  Speaker 1: poor parents, but just one answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, doctor Dustin Pilson's joining us in the studio and
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  Speaker 2: as we look at this story that came out from
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  Speaker 2: sixty minutes, we're talking about teenagers addiction to computers, that
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  Speaker 2: it is the games and it's keeping them from school,
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  Speaker 2: and parents just don't know what to do. There's two
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  Speaker 2: issues I see here significantly, One of course, is the
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  Speaker 2: addiction of these children, and the other is the parenting
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  Speaker 2: in this situation, and that has been torn to shreds
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  Speaker 2: in the midst of this.
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  Speaker 3: It's been violent and viitriol. It's been awful. I think.
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  Speaker 4: Look, regardless of whether we agree with what other parents
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  Speaker 4: are doing, we are not in the situation. We don't
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  Speaker 4: know what's going on, and it's so important that we
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  Speaker 4: have some compassion for parents who are struggling. Not every
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  Speaker 4: parent is equipped, not every parent has the knowledge that
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  Speaker 4: you and I might have, or you know, we could
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  Speaker 4: be so much kinder and so much more supportive parents
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  Speaker 4: who are struggling. And the awful things that have happened
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  Speaker 4: to this mum, in particular from sixty minutes. You know, parents,
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  Speaker 4: I understand why people would say, come on, be the parent,
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  Speaker 4: but you know, looking at the story and looking at
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  Speaker 4: most of the families where these kinds of challenges occur,
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  Speaker 4: there's usually other things going on, you know, And it's
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  Speaker 4: so easy from a distance for us to stand back
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  Speaker 4: and say, oh, come on, people, but I just think
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  Speaker 4: we need to be a little kind or a little more compassionate.
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  Speaker 2: Well you think judgment and harsh words are not going
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  Speaker 2: to help her?
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  Speaker 4: No, no, no, no, that's not the kind of thing
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  Speaker 4: that's going to make her turn around and say, well,
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  Speaker 4: I've been told off by everyone and now I'm going
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  Speaker 4: to bet.
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  Speaker 3: It doesn't seem to work.
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  Speaker 1: Now, is it a case where we're almost the harsher
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  Speaker 1: words are best served for those who are only going
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  Speaker 1: to get a little bit wrong in a sense like
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  Speaker 1: because you can be shaken into making a couple of
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  Speaker 1: simple decisions different. But as you say, there's more going
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  Speaker 1: on here probably, So therefore it's a big step from
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  Speaker 1: from where they are to getting it right. So there's
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  Speaker 1: no points sgreaming about the end result. Let's take little
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  Speaker 1: steps along the way.
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  Speaker 4: I have a friend who says, the only people who
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  Speaker 4: should judge those who know everything and love perfectly.
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  Speaker 3: That rules most of us out, So me except the
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  Speaker 3: look and so again.
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  Speaker 4: You know, we don't know what mental health challenges are
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  Speaker 4: going on in anyone's family, or what kind of economic pressures,
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  Speaker 4: what kind of.
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  Speaker 3: You know, the children may have some learning challenge. I mean,
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  Speaker 3: any of these things could be going on. We just
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  Speaker 3: don't know. It's better to not judge.
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  Speaker 4: It's better to be compassionate and sympathetic and offer our
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  Speaker 4: support rather than tearing people down and thinking we're better because,
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  Speaker 4: by Gollie, our kids are going to embarrass us one
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  Speaker 4: day too.
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  Speaker 3: It's almost guaranteed.
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  Speaker 2: Are we able to talk solutions for Yeah, I think.
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  Speaker 4: That's I think that's probably where we're best off focusing,
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  Speaker 4: you know, what the parents do.
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  Speaker 3: At the risk of sounding a little bit harsh, it's.
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  Speaker 4: Worth reminding parents that under normal circumstances we do need
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  Speaker 4: to actually set limits. Kids won't get addicted if we
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  Speaker 4: set effective limits from the beginning. What often happens, though,
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  Speaker 4: is the story about the camel in the desert that
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  Speaker 4: wanted to get into the tent because of the sandstorm,
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  Speaker 4: and it said to its owner, you know, the sand
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  Speaker 4: is blowing so much out here, just I can't breathe.
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  Speaker 4: Can I just put my nose in the tent so
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  Speaker 4: I can breathe? And the owner says, well, only your nose,
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  Speaker 4: And then he says, but the sand's biting my eyes. Now,
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  Speaker 4: Can I just put my whole head in so that,
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  Speaker 4: you know, my head feels okay? And then the camel
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  Speaker 4: complains about its body And next thing you know, the
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  Speaker 4: camel is in the tent and the owner has no
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  Speaker 4: space and ends up getting out of the tent because
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  Speaker 4: how do you move the camel out of the tent.
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  Speaker 4: And it's the same sort of thing with our kids
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  Speaker 4: and their device usage. If we don't set effective limits
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  Speaker 4: early on, and if we don't talk through useful screen
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  Speaker 4: time processes early on, it gets much harder once they're bigger,
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  Speaker 4: once they're you know, I mean, in the sixty minute story,
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  Speaker 4: we've got a child who's being physically violent towards his
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  Speaker 4: mother when she says no.
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  Speaker 1: You're talking about setting boundaries from the start, which is great,
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  Speaker 1: but many of us are probably past that point.
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  Speaker 4: Well, not just that, but our boundaries work while we
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  Speaker 4: have the capacity to, I guess, enforce those boundaries. The
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  Speaker 4: interesting thing about the story on sixty minutes was this
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  Speaker 4: mum says, you know, he becomes aggressive.
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  Speaker 3: We've had to call the police.
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  Speaker 4: I've been headbutted, I've had concussions. He is bigger than me.
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  Speaker 4: And so there does come a time and every parent
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  Speaker 4: experience is it somewhere around fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, maybe seventeen
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  Speaker 4: at the latest, where children, if they really do want
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  Speaker 4: to rebel, they just will and parents do feel helpless.
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  Speaker 3: And that's kind of when I turn around.
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  Speaker 4: I say to these people saying, just be the parent,
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  Speaker 4: just you know, have sanctions or whatever it is.
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  Speaker 3: It's kind of like, well, have you ever been in
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  Speaker 3: that situation?
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  Speaker 4: Because I've dealt with hundreds of families who have been
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  Speaker 4: in that situation, and when they try to enforce sanctions,
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  Speaker 4: the kids run away, or the kids destroy things, or
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  Speaker 4: things get really really horrible. Now, now hopefully that doesn't
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  Speaker 4: happen in most times, but it happens in enough for
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  Speaker 4: me to know that just going all.
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  Speaker 3: Hardcore on the kids is not going to fix things up.
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  Speaker 4: Got to point out as well, I've just run a
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  Speaker 4: survey with just under four hundred Australian kids, and the
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  Speaker 4: research that I've done is consistent with a whole bunch
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  Speaker 4: of other research from around the world. The more time
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  Speaker 4: kids spend online, the more there will being drops. Yeah, right,
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  Speaker 4: so we again, we've got to set these limits earlier.
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  Speaker 4: We've got to have these conversations with our children from
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  Speaker 4: the start.
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  Speaker 2: So what if we need to hit the What if
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  Speaker 2: I didn't understand any of that drops?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, they're well being Sorry, mate, they're.
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  Speaker 1: Being drops if that's a name of something they're doing. Okay, cool.
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  Speaker 2: So if sanctions don't work and you're pass the point
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  Speaker 2: of it being early on setting limits, what can you do?
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  Speaker 4: The only thing that you can do is talk. Well, actually,
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  Speaker 4: there's a couple of things you can do. Let's start
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  Speaker 4: with talking. I think talking is still the best solution here.
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  Speaker 4: When we're not in the moment. I mean, trying to
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  Speaker 4: have any sort of a disciplinary conversation with anybody, child
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  Speaker 4: or adult when you're in the emotion of the moment
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  Speaker 4: is going.
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  Speaker 3: To be ineffective.
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  Speaker 4: You don't say to your kids, I'm sick of this
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  Speaker 4: Fortnite problem, I'm sick of this Snapchat Instagram problem.
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  Speaker 3: Get off now. That's it. I've had enough. Let's have
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  Speaker 3: a conversation about this. Now. That just doesn't work. So
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  Speaker 3: we need to make sure that everyone's calm.
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  Speaker 4: Go somewhere public, sit down with a pen and paper
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  Speaker 4: and say, we need to talk about this.
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  Speaker 3: What are you noticing? And involve the kids, get their input.
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  Speaker 4: What are you finding, what are you feeling? Why is
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  Speaker 4: this happening? Let's discuss this. We want to explain and
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  Speaker 4: explore and power. I talk about it with you guys
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  Speaker 4: all the time. It's the best discipline strategy there is.
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  Speaker 4: Explain our point of view, explore theirs, empower them. What
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  Speaker 4: do we do from here? How do we come up
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  Speaker 4: with a solution? But get really clear as well that
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  Speaker 4: now that we've come to an agreement, if this agreement
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  Speaker 4: is not held by you, what's going to happen. So
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  Speaker 4: there has to be a level of agreement that the
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  Speaker 4: gaming console will be put away, or the Wi Fi
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  Speaker 4: will be turned off at night and hidden in the safe.
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  Speaker 3: You know, we've got to come up with.
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  Speaker 4: Appropriate limits because the reality is that these games have
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  Speaker 4: been designed to hook our kids, and they do.
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  Speaker 1: So that's the tricky thing, is you go, that's exactly
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  Speaker 1: what they're achieving, in that case the extreme, but they're
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  Speaker 1: achieving their actual outcome desired by the designers.
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  Speaker 3: Isn't it.
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  Speaker 4: It seems like a moral vacuum. The more successful we are,
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  Speaker 4: the more your well being will suffer.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that makes us exciting about the world justin
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  Speaker 1: But that's what these people are doing, right, That's exactly
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  Speaker 1: what they're trying to do.
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  Speaker 4: The games are designed to grab our attention, or our
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  Speaker 4: kids attention, and keep it. So. Our job as parents
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  Speaker 4: is pretty simple. We've got to keep our relationship strong.
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  Speaker 4: The more we focus on being angry, the more we
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  Speaker 4: focus on sanctions, the more we focus on punishment, the
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  Speaker 4: more we rupture the relationship, ignore the reasons that are
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  Speaker 4: underlying the behavior in the first place, and create increased
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  Speaker 4: friction and selfishness our children. Our best bed is to
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  Speaker 4: have conversations at peaceful times, with no devices around, when
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  Speaker 4: everybody's calm. Maybe we're buying them a hot chocolate, buying
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  Speaker 4: them a nice breakfast at a favorite cafe down the road.
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  Speaker 4: These conversations always happen best in the mornings. By the way,
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  Speaker 4: there's this thing that psychologists have discovered called morning morality.
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  Speaker 4: When we wake up in the morning. We're just much
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  Speaker 4: more moral than we are by the time we're hungry
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  Speaker 4: and tired and it's late in the day. Yeah, wow,
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  Speaker 4: We're more patient, we're more compassionate, we're more empathic. So
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  Speaker 4: we have these conversations. On a Saturday morning, we go
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  Speaker 4: down to the cafe, I go for a walk along
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  Speaker 4: the beach or in the park.
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  Speaker 3: Or whatever it is, and talk.
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  Speaker 4: It's valuable to write the stuff down so that we
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  Speaker 4: can see it clearly, and then we come up with
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  Speaker 4: solutions together.
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  Speaker 1: I would imagine that someone in the situation with this mum,
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  Speaker 1: just to wrap it up, probably needs it's so far
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  Speaker 1: down the track, she probably need someone to help mediate
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  Speaker 1: these processes.
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  Speaker 3: And that was the last thing I was going to say.
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  Speaker 4: There will be some families for whom this advice is
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  Speaker 4: just not enough.
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  Speaker 3: The horse has bolted.
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  Speaker 4: Things are so there's violence, there's aggression, there's threats, there's
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  Speaker 4: things being broken.
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  Speaker 3: If that is.
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  Speaker 4: Occurring, you can try this, but I would suggest that
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  Speaker 4: getting some professional help would be even better.
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  Speaker 2: I want to give her a great big hug and
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  Speaker 2: say it's not over yet. Just hang in there, mum.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Kilson, the author of Happy Families. Thank you
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: so much for helping us try and create one or
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: two of those in this time.
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: Glad to be with you.
• 9:24
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• 9:26
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• 9:29
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• 9:31
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• 9:33
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• 9:36
  Speaker 2: episode as soon as it is uploaded. For more information
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: on all of doctor Justin Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts,
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: go to Happy Families dot com dot au. Or if
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: you'd like to have doctor Justin Coulson speak at your
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: school or event, go to Justinculson dot com.