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Giving in Joy...Keep Your Cup Full: Live with The Joy Jolt · The Joy Jolt Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to The Joy Jolt Podcast.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Susan Patrick.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I am Natalie Ledwell.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: And today we are going to be sharing our thoughts Observations,
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: opinions, when it comes to giving from joy.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: And as women,
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I feel that we are naturally givers because often the roles that we take on
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: in life require us to be generous in spirit and in effort and in love and all
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: of those things.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then sometimes giving can feel very depleting and
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: So we're going to talk
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: a little bit about why that is and how we can give from
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: a place that's actually expanding our joy rather than robbing us of our joy.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's so important because I do think there is an expectation that women be givers.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: We're the nurturers.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: We're the caretakers.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's this expectation.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I do find that some of the,
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: if not all of the most joyful people I do know are givers, right?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's fun to hang out with people who are givers.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: But I also find that a lot of women in particular struggle with maintaining
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: that balance of how do I be the giver that I desire to be,
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: but don't do it in a way that's sapping my energy, depleting my energy.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, think about it.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: If you're listening to this podcast right now,
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: have you ever gotten to the point where you just hit a wall?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know,
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: you're going, going, going, going,
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: going, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: And then the only way that you can self-regulate is if the body comes in and goes
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: and slaps you down.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so that sense of how do we self-regulate before we get to that place
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: of depletion and and make sure that when we're giving.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: First and foremost, it's adding to filling up our cups.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I want people to get selfish about how they give.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and you think about it,
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  SPEAKER_00: like I think the only time I feel like giving is a challenge or I feel resentful
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: about it or if I just feel, you know, just depleted, it's because my cup is empty.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's because I'm running on empty and it's because I'm not maybe looking
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: after myself or I'm feeling tired or I'm feeling,
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: you know, sick or whatever that is, which has been my week this week.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Everything has just been a slog because I'm not feeling my best.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So for us to be able to give in a way that that's not transactional,
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: that's not,
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I need something in return or that I'm accepting some reciprocal exchange here.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: We have to have our cup full first.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's what,
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: like this morning was the first morning I've woken up this week
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: where I actually started to feel good.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I opened up my shades.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I got to see the sun come up.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was playing like music.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was having the best time.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, my God.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, my gosh.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: And that you're giving to yourself, right?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: You had to kind of cocoon for a little while, take care of yourself.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we both just got done being sick, right?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I always look at that, I always like, where was I?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: And again, it's not a punishment.
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  SPEAKER_01: I didn't do anything wrong.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't do anything wrong.
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  SPEAKER_01: The body sometimes needs to relax.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: But I always do kind of sit and I think about where was I not supporting myself?
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  SPEAKER_01: You know, that kind of got here.
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  SPEAKER_01: And is there, you know, was there something else that I could be doing?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: But I do think there are those times in my life where I'm giving
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: and I'm putting my joy, my needs, my energy aside.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: As I'm giving to this other person and that,
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: that if I'm not giving from a space where I'm caring about and advocating
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: for my joy, then I'm going to be surrounded by joy suckers.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you think about it giving, we can give, we can give from an empty cup.
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  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we can totally give and go, look, I have to get this done.
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  SPEAKER_00: I have to do this.
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  SPEAKER_00: I have to help this person.
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  SPEAKER_00: Um, And we don't realize that we have a choice.
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  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
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  SPEAKER_00: We can choose in those same situations to be giving from a place where we feel good
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  SPEAKER_00: about it, where we're like, no, I really want to do this.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm loving this.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the act of giving is giving me joy as well as giving the other person joy.
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  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: And starting to consider yourself.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think we've established that we're both yes girls.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: But then all of a sudden I say yes and then I get into a situation.
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  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, whoa, did I really want to be here?
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  SPEAKER_01: Is this really giving back to me?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so we were talking about,
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: well, how do I take care of myself in a world that asks a lot of me?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: And and we kind of came up with this very I think it's a simple method,
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: but I think it's one that you have to be really intentional about practicing
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: because I love I love people.
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  SPEAKER_01: I love life.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: I love to give.
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  SPEAKER_01: But what I realize is I can't always say yes.
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  SPEAKER_01: So how how do I how do I self regulate?
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  SPEAKER_01: And what we came up with is if somebody comes up to you and asks you for something,
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And once you to give them something,
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  SPEAKER_01: give them a cup of sugar or give them some time to do this
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: or give them whatever it is,
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: whatever the ask is, you always give something back in the form of appreciation.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: So you start with, oh, well, I really appreciate you asking me that.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: So you are immediately giving to that person.
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  SPEAKER_01: You're giving to them maybe at the most important level, which is energetic.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's huge.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
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  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate you asking me about that.
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  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate you thinking of me related to that.
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  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate you wanting me to help with that.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: So you appreciate that, and then you take an intentional deep breath in.
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  SPEAKER_01: And that's when you, because you're appreciating, and it does two things.
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  SPEAKER_01: You're giving the energy,
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  SPEAKER_01: but you're giving yourself a moment to pause,
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  SPEAKER_01: to check in with yourself, to say, what do I want?
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  SPEAKER_01: Does that help fill my cup?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's the question.
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  SPEAKER_01: Will giving this help fill my cup?
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  SPEAKER_01: And if the answer is not hell yes, it's a hell
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  SPEAKER_00: no.
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  SPEAKER_01: Our very good friend.
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  SPEAKER_01: Right?
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  SPEAKER_01: We know.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rich Litvin.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rich Litvin.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's his motto.
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  SPEAKER_01: If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so you ask that question.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's like you give appreciation, you pause, you ask yourself, well, giving that fill my cup.
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  SPEAKER_01: If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: And then you just let the,
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: hey, I appreciate that, but that's not going to work for me right now.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but thanks for asking.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe this person can help out.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and what you're talking about,
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: or you're brushing past at the moment, is how to set healthy boundaries.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, because...
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  SPEAKER_00: Because someone asks you the questions or makes the request of you, don't have to say yes.
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  SPEAKER_00: And there are certain ways that you can say no that aren't going
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: to make you feel bad or obviously, you know, make the other person feel bad.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I love this, that breath, I call it a pattern interrupt.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because it's the pause that gives you the choice of what I'm going to think and say next.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't do it, there are so many different ways you can say no.
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  SPEAKER_00: You go, look, I'm sorry, darling, but I just can't do that right now.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then go, maybe you could do this or maybe you could do that or whatever.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or just go, look, I don't have that or I'm not able to do that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes no is a complete sentence.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Go on.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: As I grow older and more into my body and my wisdom and into my menopause,
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  SPEAKER_01: I love it because I'm loving the pause.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's the power of the pause.
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  SPEAKER_01: And it is that taking the intentional deep breath and really tuning into yourself
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  SPEAKER_01: and advocating for what's going to fill your cup.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a really simple energy meter.
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  SPEAKER_01: I know some of you aren't watching this via video right now,
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  SPEAKER_01: but I got my thumb in the air, right?
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  SPEAKER_01: And it's like this energy meter.
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  SPEAKER_01: Does this make me feel like this?
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  SPEAKER_01: Woohoo!
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  SPEAKER_01: Thumbs up?
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  SPEAKER_01: Or is it like, meh, thumbs down?
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  SPEAKER_01: And you become really in tune with that energy.
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  SPEAKER_01: And if it's thumbs down, I don't want more of that in my life.
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  SPEAKER_01: If it's thumbs up, I want more of that in my life.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so it has nothing to do about the ask hole in front of you.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: I love that term.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: I love that term by the way.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: My friend, her name is Sylvia, she coined that.
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  SPEAKER_01: She goes, look, I'm an asshole.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a total asshole.
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  SPEAKER_01: And there are some people on the planet that are assholes and God bless them.
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  SPEAKER_01: But you do not have to say yes to all of the asking.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And we know this intellectually,
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  SPEAKER_01: but fine tuning this is something we're never going to get done doing.
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  SPEAKER_01: And this is a huge joy sucker.
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  SPEAKER_01: When you are giving out of alignment,
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  SPEAKER_01: you are giving your joy away and you're not giving your joy to the other person.
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  SPEAKER_01: You're just spilling out that energy.
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  SPEAKER_01: Joy is life force.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're spilling out your life force.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so I want you to become like a steward of your joy.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to spill out my joy.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to spill out my life force.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I want to make sure that I'm holding it and I'm generating it and I'm curating it
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  SPEAKER_01: and I'm expanding it and I'm feeling it and I'm tending to it and I'm playing
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: with it.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's mine.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's mine.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and here's the thing.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure that there are some people who are listening to the podcast right now
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: and go, look,
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: that sounds great,
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: but I am caring for an elderly parent or I am in a situation where I have to give.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, I am the sole caretaker.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm whatever.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, and it can be very challenging and very trying when you're in that situation
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: because you are consistently giving a It could be thankless
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: and it could be overwhelming and it could be just consistent in your life.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's very challenging to be in that role and not feel like it's overwhelming and
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: that you're, you know, giving out of an empty cup.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: So in those situations, it's like, all right, so this is where I'm at.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is what exists right now.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is what's showing up in this present moment.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I can, I still have a choice.
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  SPEAKER_00: I still have a choice to go, oh, God, I've got to do this thing.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, you could go, I get to do this thing.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I get to, this person may not be around for much longer.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: I might not be able to see my family or whatever that is.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: But try and shift your perspective or shift the way that you are looking at this
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: and feeling about it for your own sanity.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this whole process that you go through, the other person doesn't even have to be aware.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: That this is what you're doing.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing this for you.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing this for your own joy, for your own energy.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: I love that it's like I have to do this as opposed to I get to do this.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Everything that you're doing in your life is your choice.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Even though sometimes we can have a lot of data saying, yeah, well, I had to do that.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and what happens when you're able to expand the thinking and allow yourself
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: to see how much choice you're in?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: It is a more empowering space.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: It gives back more energy to you.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: And this process can be instantaneous.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yes,
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: you may still have to,
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: you know, this is a horrible example, change your mother's diaper.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's what kind of came to my mind when I was thinking about when we had
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: to take care of my mom before she died.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you have to you know, you feel like you have to do this thing.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: But that that moment of saying.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Intentional deep breath.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: My joy is important to me.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: I want to approach this in an energy that feels good to me.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because I deserve to feel good.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: I get to do this thing.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: And that moment of self-soothing is such a gift to give to yourself.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know,
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: the thing is that the only way you can get to that point,
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: especially if you're in a situation like that, is that you have joy practices.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: During your day.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: You need to also feel your cup because I understand that if you are overwhelmed
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: and everything is happening and it's just back to back to back and you have no time
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: or no moments in your day where you are feeling your own cup
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: and feeding your own joy, then it will be challenging for you to do that.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: The joy practices, right?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like talking about taking the intentional deep breath,
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: verbalizing the importance of that I deserve to feel good.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: There are these kind of the intentional,
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: these intentional practices that you put in your day where you're being a stand
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: for your own joy.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you just try to do it when you're miserable
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: and you haven't been practicing it, it's not going to work.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, looking at yourself and saying, you got this.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're beautiful.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: I believe in you.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do the same thing all the time because what you want to,
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: what I do is I'll check in and go, what would make me feel good in this moment?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not always the same thing, you know.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Nat, Nat, that question,
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: let's just take a minute.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: That question in and of itself is genius, right?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because how many people in a moment where they're not feeling good aren't thinking
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: about what can I do in this moment that would help me feel good?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's putting you back in the center of what's happening rather
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: than you being at kind of like the whim of what's happening around you.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a beautiful stand for your joy to say,
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: what can I do right now that can help me feel good?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe it's 25 jumping jacks.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's I just need to get my blood moving.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's I need to just turn on some music and just dance and move my body.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like this week when I wasn't feeling well,
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: it was like I'm just going to sit out on my balcony and get a little bit of sun
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: on my skin.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that lovely?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: That was what I could do.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's what made me feel better in that moment because I didn't have the energy
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: to go for a walk.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't, you know, all of that.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, all right, this will make me feel good.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then I played some music and,
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: you know, I've got my joy playlist that I always, that's my go-to.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: So those songs are always rattling around in my head.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I do love this conversation because it is thinking about that sense
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: of how do I be My biggest advocate for my joy in the world and not because we were
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: the conversation that kind of inspired this for me was thinking about the times
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: that I've had to remove myself from people.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: And we kind of talk a lot about boundaries and we talk about,
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: you know, having kind of healthy, healthy boundaries, healthy lines.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: But but I'm not a natural remover of myself.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a leaner inner.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not a I'm a leaner.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I like that feeling about me.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: But the truth is I need to start becoming more discerning about how much I'm leaning
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: in instead of saying I have to like remove myself,
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: which that really doesn't feel good.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: What I have to start lovingly doing is saying,
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: wait a minute,
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: I need to be a little more discerning how much leaning in feels good for me.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's like with this person, I want to lean in all the way because it feels good.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: There's something generative and generous and there's something that evolves out of
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: that connection.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: And with this person,
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just going to lean in a little bit because I know that I'm not necessarily going
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: to get met with the same energy in which I'm expending.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm not removing myself because that feels like a punishment.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really hard.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, don't talk to that person.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know it feels weird.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Actually,
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: on one of my coaching calls last night,
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: one of my students,
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: a guy, he asked the question, he goes, how do you know who to trust?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you know when you're in that situation?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, well, I go, these are my major rules.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Number one,
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: I will share,
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: if I share something that's personal and And if they can reciprocate to
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: the same level at which I shared, I go, great, this is the level.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: If I share a little bit more and they can reciprocate back,
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: then I know that we can go a little deeper.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: But if they can't reciprocate back, I go, okay.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is the deepness.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is about as deep as we go with this relationship.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: And that doesn't say anything about you.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: It says everything about just that, you know, that that's okay.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: And there's nothing wrong with that person if they can't go deeper.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: That was my biggest blind spot, full stop.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: Here I thought I was having all these deep experiences with people and it was
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: because I was going deep, right?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: So here I think I'm having all these amazingly deep experiences with people.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: But you were, they weren't.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was having a deep experience,
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: but the fun and the maturity and the real play is when you're able to do what you do
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: with what you're saying, where you're discerning.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not going to stop being me.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not going to stop leaning in.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not going to stop sharing.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not going to stop kind of going deep,
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: but I'm going to start paying attention to,
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: is it something that's filling my cup in return?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: And if it starts becoming depleting, then I need to go, oh, that's on me.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's not on that other person.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I have to make the adjustments.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: I have to make the adjustments because my joy is important.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so my second rule of thumb,
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: which I learned very painfully when I was in my 20s,
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: is that if someone has a certain characteristic that's not good,
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: like you see them treating other people poorly,
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: You have to know that eventually they will treat you the same.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because I had a friend who,
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that he wasn't treating other people fairly,
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: but I just never thought he would do that to me.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is, they can't help it.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of their nature.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually it's going to happen to you.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: So as soon as I see something that I don't agree with,
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, yep, this is as far as we go.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I've learned that lesson very painfully, so I will never have to go through that again.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I will also say that the biggest part for me with respects to how do I know
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: when I can trust is that trust is really about trusting yourself.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: That I trust myself enough to be able to,
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: and maybe that's my favorite word today, to discern yourself.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: This is how I am in this relationship.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need that person to create safety for me.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: I create safety for me.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: I trust myself and my capacity and my ability to be able to look at what's happening.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I think for me,
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: I've really enjoyed as I've matured into being a mature woman,
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm still playing with this and I'm fine tuning it.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: We've been doing it since we were in our 20s and you're never done.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: You're never done.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Damage.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: The joy of the fine tuning, right?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: The joy of the fine tuning because that's really what it's about and how sweet it is
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: when you realize, wow, I trust myself.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: So as we are going to end the podcast for today,
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: we're going to come back for the deeper conversation.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the deeper conversation is going to be around what the flip side of this coin is.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because,
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: we can be giving but the flip side of that is receiving and how challenging
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: that can be for us at this time of our life.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I have some really great insights that I want to share with our paid subscribers.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: I love this.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: I love this.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're not listening to us on Substack, please reach out to Substack.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm going to actually end this podcast with a joke.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: Natalie didn't know I was going to do this, but I'm going to do this.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: What does a nun say when her bra strap breaks?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: She says, my cup runneth over.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so hopefully you are in charge of your joy and you understand the importance
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: of making sure your cup is full.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: On that note, we'll see you in the deeper conversation.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, everyone.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see you next week.