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He's Not Pursuing Because You're Doing This · Mindful Success Path

• 0:32
  Ladies, I need you to hear something.
• 0:34
  You might actually be doing way too much to get a man to like you and the irony of all of this is the more that you do for a man, the more you try and become his perfect woman, the less he's actually attracted to you and you get the opposite of what it is that you want.
• 0:52
  So what does this look like?
• 0:53
  This looks like initiating conversations.
• 0:55
  It looks like suggesting dates.
• 0:57
  It looks like rearranging your schedule at the drop of a hat.
• 1:00
  It looks like you offering to pay.
• 1:02
  It looks like if he compares you to his mother, then you wanna be his mother.
• 1:06
  It looks like you checking in on him to make sure he's okay as if he's a child.
• 1:10
  You're doing all this emotional labor before this man has even demonstrated that he's capable of being in a partnership and then you're wondering why you're the one putting in all the effort, or why you are attracting men who do not pursue you, or why you attract more passive men, or men who think they're the prize, or men who are looking for a mom, not a wife.
• 1:33
  Well, in this video, I'm gonna be breaking it down because the reality is that, my darling, you're doing way, way, way too much, and it's having the opposite effect of what it is that you desire.
• 1:45
  Hi, my name is Amanda.
• 1:46
  Welcome to this channel where we talk about how to manifest what you want in life without all the extra stress, chaos, and drama that most people are accustomed to.
• 1:54
  Lately, we've been talking a lot about relationships, and it's based on my experience of coaching women in different areas of their lives for over 15 years.
• 2:01
  And in addition to that, going from being a super, hyper-independent, perpetually single, attracting passive men for over a decade to learning and applying a lot of the things that I've been talking about on this channel and attracting my husband, who's a provider and a protector, in four months.
• 2:19
  So if that's something that you're interested in, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a single video that we have coming out on this channel.
• 2:28
  And in case you missed it, or you're new here, I have a free quiz that helps you determine which patterns are playing out in your dating life.
• 2:36
  I call it the Divine Feminine Archetypes Quiz.
• 2:39
  It's three minutes.
• 2:40
  You can take it.
• 2:41
  It will let you know which archetype is dominating your dating life and how those patterns are playing out either to your benefit or your detriment.
• 2:49
  So if you're finding yourself very confused in your dating life or your relationship, I highly recommend taking the quiz.
• 2:55
  Just go to mindfulsuccesspath.com/quiz.
• 2:59
  And as always, if I have other resources available, events coming up, et cetera, then I will make sure to mention it throughout the video.
• 3:07
  So let's get into it, darling.
• 3:09
  Here is why doing nothing or doing less for men actually makes him more attracted to you.
• 3:17
  So it's really important to understand how men actually bond to a woman.
• 3:21
  Now, if you have taken my Feminine Magnetism Mastery course, which is one of our bestsellers, In it, I explain like the Psychology 101 of men.
• 3:30
  And what happens is a lot of women don't get men.
• 3:33
  They don't understand how it is that they operate, so they end up making all these innocent mistakes, one of those mistakes being over-functioning and doing way too much.
• 3:42
  Because the way that healthy masculine men bond and fall in love with a woman is when he invests in her.
• 3:50
  That is one of the ways in which he is able to bond to her.
• 3:53
  So if you're not allowing for the investment to happen and because you're doing way too much, you are essentially taking on the masculine role in the relationship.
• 4:03
  You're kind of taking his job, in other words.
• 4:06
  And by the way, women who've been married a long time, they do this too, and you also need to stop over-functioning for the same reason, because I will get a lot of women reaching out to me being like,"How do I get my man to pursue me?
• 4:18
  You know, we, he used to chase me around the house, now he doesn't anymore." You are probably over-functioning.
• 4:23
  That is why.
• 4:24
  Because what happens is when a woman over-functions and does too much, he starts taking on more of a passive role in the relationship.
• 4:33
  So if you're dating, it tends to attract more passive men.
• 4:36
  And if you have been in a long-term relationship, i.e.
• 4:40
  marriage, and in the beginning the polarity was great, then what happens is over time, sometimes she becomes more controlling and over-functioning, especially as they start life-ing together, managing different things in life, having children, et cetera, et cetera, and then he starts becoming more passive.
• 4:56
  Because if she's taking on the masculine role, then somebody's gotta take the feminine role, and it's usually going to be him.
• 5:03
  So the way that men fall in love, the way that men bond, the way that you keep a man pursuing you is by not doing too much.
• 5:11
  And that's why this whole trend online of do nothing for men was so popular.
• 5:17
  Because a lot of women have found that the more that they do for men, the less the men respect them, the less the men are attracted to them, or the more passive these men become over time.
• 5:28
  Meanwhile, women have found out that when they step back, or lean back as they say, then suddenly more men start to pursue her or her husband starts to step up more, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
• 5:39
  So the key here, right, is that if you are over-functioning, as a woman, you are essentially taking the man's role, and you are also taking away his ability to bond to you.
• 5:51
  Because the way that men become attracted to you is by investing in you.
• 5:55
  That could be financially, it could be helping you solve problems.
• 5:59
  There are so many ways in which men invest into our lives, but if you're over-functioning, you're constantly taking that away from him.
• 6:06
  So let's go into what over-functioning actually looks like in dating and relationships, because I wanna be very clear about what the definition of over-functioning is, because most women are doing this and they don't even realize they are doing this.
• 6:22
  In fact In my own relationships, I have had to become very mindful of when I might be over-functioning, be aware of it, and then put certain, you know, bumpers in place or make some changes so that I do not fall into this because most of us have been trained into this since we were little girls.
• 6:40
  So over-functioning is when you are consistently taking on more responsibility than is actually yours in an attempt to make a relationship work and it usually starts very early.
• 6:55
  It usually starts in very early dating.
• 6:57
  So let's say you meet a guy, you have a great conversation, there's chemistry, and he tells you that he would like to take you out.
• 7:05
  Great, wonderful, amazing.
• 7:08
  But then he doesn't actually make the plan.
• 7:11
  So what do you do?
• 7:13
  Typically, a woman who is accustomed to over-functioning, she starts making, uh, suggestions for restaurants.
• 7:19
  She starts asking him when he's available.
• 7:21
  She asks him to send her his schedule, and she starts planning the whole damn thing for him And then before you know it, you've planned the entire date that he's supposedly inviting you on.
• 7:33
  Or another way in which this shows up is you're talking to a guy who isn't particularly consistent with communication, and instead of observing the inconsistency, you start making excuses for him.
• 7:45
  You start making excuses like,"Oh, well, he's probably busy." Girl, let me tell you something.
• 7:49
  I'm married to an entrepreneur with multiple businesses, and he's very high-performing and ambitious, and he was like that when I met him, too.
• 7:56
  If a man is into you, it does not matter how busy he is, he will find the time.
• 8:02
  So do not use that as an excuse.
• 8:04
  But other excuses women use is maybe he's just not a big texter.
• 8:07
  Maybe he had a difficult childhood.
• 8:10
  Maybe he's intimidated by me.
• 8:11
  A lot of women like that one.
• 8:13
  Ladies, ladies, please, let's have a chat here'cause I'm gonna ask you a very important question.
• 8:19
  Why are we writing an entire psychological dissertation about a man who can't figure out how to send a text message?
• 8:28
  Why are we doing that?
• 8:29
  Why are we wasting our time?
• 8:30
  Why are we wasting our energy on these types of men?
• 8:35
  Some of you are doing more research on a man's attachment style than he's doing figuring out where he wants to take you to dinner'cause he's probably just not that into you, and that's okay.
• 8:47
  Or maybe he's an inconsistent man, or maybe he's more passive, and that's okay.
• 8:51
  But that doesn't mean that you try and figure him out and figure it out for him.
• 8:55
  It means you move on.
• 8:56
  That's what that means.
• 8:58
  And I say this with love because I understand where it comes from.
• 9:01
  You see potential, you want to be understanding.
• 9:04
  Maybe you like the guy.
• 9:05
  You want to give people the benefit of the doubt.
• 9:07
  You see beautiful qualities in the man, but they become a problem when your compassion starts to override your discernment.
• 9:15
  It becomes a problem when you start doing too much and starting relationships off on the wrong foot.
• 9:22
  Because if you start a relationship off by doing everything, there's a lot of things that you miss out on.
• 9:28
  So for example, this comes up a lot in the comment section here on this YouTube channel, women being like,"Uh, when is it appropriate to offer to pay for a date?" Or we had one come in recently where, um, a man had planned an entire trip before he met this woman, and then he met her, and he invites her on the trip but wants her to pay for her airfare.
• 9:48
  And she's like,"Well, should I pay for the airfare because he's paying for everything else?" And I was like,"Darling, if he invited you, he pays." And it sounds like he was all ready to take this trip on his own and pay for all that stuff for himself anyway, so no, you're not paying for this airfare.
• 10:02
  If he wants to take you out, he takes you out.
• 10:05
  But what happens is a lot of women do this thing where they excuse poor behavior from men, or they immediately jump in to offer things, and then you miss out on a lot of really important information.
• 10:17
  For example, if you want a man who's a provider because that's what feels good to you in a relationship, which it does for most women, well, if you're constantly offering to pay out of your anxiety and over-functioning because you wanna be liked, then you never get to see this man's relationship with provision and responsibility and money.
• 10:36
  You never get to see whether or not this man would have invested in you had you not prompted it.
• 10:42
  So a lot of women are missing out on very valuable information about a man's character because they're constantly jumping in rather than just learning how to lean back and observe.
• 10:54
  And again, I understand where this comes from.
• 10:56
  It comes from your anxiety.
• 10:58
  So let's talk about why women feel compelled to do so damn much So overfunctioning isn't really just about dating.
• 11:06
  It's actually a pattern that shows up in every area of your life, and I say this after 15 years of coaching women.
• 11:12
  And its genesis usually starts with one of the following.
• 11:16
  Maybe you're the woman that everybody depends on and that everybody has gotten used to depending on.
• 11:21
  You're the responsible one.
• 11:22
  You're the problem solver.
• 11:24
  You're the one who remembers everybody's birthdays, handles the family emergencies, figures out the finances, and makes sure that, that nothing falls through the cracks.
• 11:32
  And you've probably received a lot of praise for that being a woman.
• 11:37
  People tell you how strong you are, how independent you are, how empowered you are, how they don't know what they would do without you.
• 11:44
  But somewhere along the line, you may have learned that your value comes from how useful you are to other people.
• 11:52
  Another way in which this shows up is a lot of women, uh, learned that, uh, love had to be earned, that they had to earn love, which automatically puts them in the space of masculine energy, and then they end up getting with men who are a problem.
• 12:07
  And this is where it starts affecting relationships because now, instead of just allowing yourself to be loved and allowing yourself to receive, you feel like you have to earn love through effort.
• 13:21
  So you think,"Man, if I can just show him how supportive I am, if I can just make his life easier, if I can prove that I'm not like all the other women, if I could just be understanding enough, then maybe he'll choose me." But here's the thing, you cannot earn genuine love by making yourself indispensable to someone who isn't choosing to invest in you out of their own, deseo, out of their own desire.
• 13:48
  And for some women, this isn't even a conscious thought.
• 13:52
  It's just a nervous system pattern.
• 13:55
  So for example, if you grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent, you may have learned to anticipate other people's needs in order to maintain a connection.
• 14:04
  You became really good at reading the room, really good at noticing changes in someone's mood, really good at preventing conflict, and now you're bringing those same survival skills into your romantic life.
• 14:19
  So you're trying to manage a man's feelings so he won't pull away, or you're trying to be easygoing so that he won't reject you.
• 14:26
  I've had stories from women in my emails where y'all have even bought these man businesses and houses only for him, as soon as the business starts going awry, for him to leave because he was seeing you as a retirement plan.
• 14:40
  He was never investing in you.
• 14:42
  You were doing way too much to try and keep a man because your anxiety was like,"Oh my God, what if I get left?" That's what it's about.
• 14:50
  And you're trying to be the perfect woman so that this man will finally commit to you.
• 14:55
  Ironically, there's lots of women in my comment section who try to be the perfect wife only for their man to continue disrespecting them the harder that they try.
• 15:04
  'Cause the reality is that healthy love shouldn't require you to abandon yourself, and the more secure you become with yourself, the less compelled you will feel to manage someone else's interest in you so let's go into why doing more for a man can actually create less attraction, not more.
• 15:26
  And this is where we have to start talking about feminine and masculine polarity in relationships, and I wanna make something very clear here.
• 15:33
  When I talk about feminine and masculine energy, I'm talking more about relationship dynamics, not necessarily rigid rules that each gender needs to follow.
• 15:42
  But for most women, they desire a masculine partner who pursues, plans, leads, and provides.
• 15:49
  And this is especially important for them because if you're constantly doing all of those things yourself, you are not actually getting to experience the dynamic that you say that you want.
• 15:59
  And I'm gonna be very real with you, I got a whole lot of women in my inbox, in my DMs, in my comment section, who started a relationship off with the dynamic where she was in masculine energy and he's more in feminine energy, and she is exhausted, she is resentful, and she's got one foot out the freakin' door because she is so tired.
• 16:19
  Because what happens is when you start off a relationship where you're over-functioning, you're in the masculine energy.
• 16:26
  And when a woman is constantly in masculine energy, she starts to over-give, and that giving doesn't necessarily fill her cup or make her feel good.
• 16:35
  She just gets exhausted and resentful while he becomes more passive.
• 16:39
  But if we enter a relationship or change the relationship dynamic where he is in the masculine role, where he is in masculine energy, and he is giving and investing in you, then we create a positive polarity reinforcement loop.
• 16:54
  So basically, he's in his masculine energy.
• 16:57
  He's the one giving.
• 16:58
  He's the one investing.
• 16:59
  He's the one solving your problems.
• 17:01
  You learn how to receive it as a feminine woman.
• 17:05
  He realizes how it improves your life because most men just wanna make our lives better.
• 17:10
  Most women just don't understand this about men.
• 17:13
  And then he's like,"Oh, my gosh, I made her life better?
• 17:15
  I'm gonna go do more.
• 17:17
  I'm gonna go make more money.
• 17:18
  I'm gonna go solve more of her problems.
• 17:20
  I'm gonna do more to keep making her happy." And the more that she is in a relaxed state, the more that he wants to give to her, the more he wants to invest in her, the less resentful she feels.
• 17:32
  And then, in my experience, when I'm in that relaxed state because I'm the one in feminine energy, I get all kinds of crazy ideas, like this YouTube channel, um, or I'm just in a better mood.
• 17:43
  So it creates the positive polarity reinforcement loop.
• 17:47
  A lot of people right now have the opposite dynamic going on where she's in masculine energy, he's in feminine energy, and it's just causing a whole lot of resentment or, uh, roommate situations, if you know what I mean, or business partner situations where, like, the romance is gone.
• 18:03
  So if you want the romance and if you want to not feel exhausted all the time, then you need to make sure that the dynamic of the relationship is in the positive polarity reinforcement loop, not the negative polarity reinforcement loop.
• 18:17
  And let's use dating as an example If you're always the one initiating communication, you don't know whether he would initiate the conversation on his own.
• 18:26
  If you're always planning the dates, you don't know whether he enjoys planning dates.
• 18:31
  If you're always offering to pay, you're not learning about whether or not this man enjoys investing in you.
• 18:37
  If you're always moving the relationship forward, you're not seeing whether he has any intention of moving it forward himself.
• 18:45
  It's like you're dragging these men to the altar.
• 18:47
  So you're filling every gap before he has the opportunity to show you what he would do if he had not been prompted.
• 18:56
  And this is why I say that doing less as a woman can be incredibly powerful because when you stop doing everything, then you can create environments where other people's effort or lack of effort becomes visible, and then you know what you're dealing with Now, does this mean that every man is suddenly going to start pursuing you?
• 19:18
  No, and that's kind of the point.
• 19:20
  Some men are going to stop pursuing you, and you know that's not the one.
• 19:24
  Other men are going to step up.
• 19:26
  This was my experience when I started living this out in my life.
• 19:31
  The beauty is that you get to start feeling the difference.
• 19:35
  So a lot of women come to this channel, and they're like,"There aren't any good men.
• 19:38
  They're all gonna use you.
• 19:39
  They're all gonna do this.
• 19:40
  They're all gonna do that." And I'm like,"Oh, honey, you've just never experienced a healthy man because you've been out here either being a doormat like the wounded maiden, or you're out here doing way too much like an awakening warrior." So you've never experienced a good man because you've never given a man a chance to show you whether or not he is a good man.
• 20:00
  Because when you are over-functioning, and I've seen women do this, you can literally manufacture an entire relationship in your head.
• 20:08
  You can literally manufacture that a relationship is progressing just because you've taken control of it.
• 20:15
  You're having conversations with this man because you initiate them.
• 20:18
  You're going on dates because you organize them.
• 20:21
  You're maintaining the connection because you're constantly nurturing it.
• 20:25
  But what happens when you stop?
• 20:27
  Does the connection continue?
• 20:29
  Does he demonstrate genuine interest?
• 20:31
  Does he invest in you?
• 20:33
  And here's the other thing, a lot of women pay...
• 20:35
  like, give too much weight on attention from a man, okay?
• 20:39
  Stop paying attention, ha, to whether or not a man is giving you attention because he could give attention to a bunch of women.
• 20:46
  He could give attention to his work.
• 20:48
  He can give attention to his family.
• 20:50
  He can give attention to a YouTube video.
• 20:52
  Attention doesn't mean jack.
• 20:53
  What you wanna look at is whether or not this man is giving you investment okay?
• 20:58
  Because that's how you know whether or not a man is actually interested in you.
• 21:04
  So does he give you investment?
• 21:06
  Does he solve your problems?
• 21:07
  Is he generous with his resources?
• 21:10
  Does he make an effort?
• 21:11
  This is the stuff that you actually need to know because the intention isn't to make an uninterested man interested.
• 21:18
  The intention is to see what you're dealing with and then deciding whether or not that fits into your life The next thing here is that you wanna stop auditioning for the role of wife.
• 21:27
  Now, I, I understand that not everybody wants to be married, but I have come to realize, especially after meeting my husband, my husband and I knew really early on that we were getting married.
• 21:37
  I mean, it was just a no-brainer that we were getting married.
• 21:41
  Um, so we didn't do this weird dating thing.
• 21:44
  We didn't do this weird situationship thing.
• 21:47
  We didn't do any of that.
• 21:48
  We basically, like, met and knew pretty early on, this is marriage.
• 21:52
  Okay?
• 21:53
  But I see a lot of women wasting their time, um, giving wife-level things for men who haven't even demonstrated any form of commitment.
• 22:03
  So a lot of these women are cooking for him, they're cleaning his apartment, they're helping him manage his finances, they're supporting his business, they're being his therapist, and here's the thing, right?
• 22:12
  Like, if you're doing this for a boyfriend, boyfriend doesn't really mean anything.
• 22:17
  Doesn't mean anything.
• 22:19
  In fact, I'm in Mexico right now, and in the Spanish language, the name for boyfriend/girlfriend is the same as bride and groom, okay?
• 22:27
  So, like, it doesn't even exist, um, in the language, and it doesn't exist in a lot of languages, because it doesn't really mean anything at all.
• 22:35
  You're just in this, having relations with someone who maybe will turn into your husband, and maybe you'll be a wife.
• 22:42
  Like, who knows?
• 22:43
  It's just kinda messy.
• 22:45
  So I tell women, like, you have to be very intentional from the beginning, that if you wanna get married, you need to let people know that you're dating for marriage.
• 22:52
  Um, and stop doing all this stuff.
• 22:54
  Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning the apartment.
• 22:56
  My husband didn't know I could cook until after we got married, okay?
• 23:00
  That is the joke.
• 23:01
  We were hiring people to cook.
• 23:02
  I was not cooking before we were married.
• 23:04
  And the only reason I cook now is because I enjoy it.
• 23:08
  If I didn't enjoy it, we would still be outsourcing it.
• 23:10
  And here's the thing: even if you are married, even if you're married, although these things are more appropriate when you're married, some of them are not.
• 23:18
  So for example, being his therapist is not appropriate whether you're dating or married, okay?
• 23:24
  Over-functioning in this man's business because he wants you to work in it even though you have no desire to do so whatsoever shouldn't be happening whether, especially not when you're dating, and it also shouldn't be happening when you're married.
• 23:37
  Making yourself available whenever he needs something, stop it, whether you're dating or married.
• 23:42
  Part of what keeps my husband engaged and pursuing me is that I have all my own projects and I'm not always available, okay?
• 23:48
  Even as a married woman.
• 23:51
  Um, I have my own stuff going on, and we will get there.
• 23:54
  So when you're doing all these things, I basically say you're, like, auditioning for the role of wife, okay?
• 24:00
  And the only thing it does is push that ring further away.
• 24:04
  Now, there's nothing wrong with being generous.
• 24:06
  There's nothing wrong for, with cooking for someone you care about.
• 24:09
  Like I said, I cook for my husband'cause I enjoy it.
• 24:12
  There's nothing wrong with supporting a partner in the appropriate ways, but we need to look at the dynamic, right?
• 24:17
  Are you doing these things because you genuinely want to do these things, or are you doing these things because you have anxiety and trying to prove your worth?
• 24:24
  The two are not the same, right?
• 24:27
  So the underlying energy with which you do things matters, and most women out here, the underlying energy is anxiety and control and being afraid of being left.
• 24:38
  That's what the underlying energy is And these two energies are very different energies.
• 24:44
  One comes from genuine affection and being okay with yourself, and the other one comes from a complete state of anxiety and trying to control the situation.
• 24:52
  And this is something that I really want you to understand Being a good partner is not the same as proving that you would be a good partner.
• 25:01
  You do not need to demonstrate your entire resume of relationship skills in order to earn commitment.
• 25:07
  You don't need to cook for this man.
• 25:08
  You don't need to clean for this man.
• 25:10
  You don't need to do all of these things that first of all, you shouldn't even be doing until after you've married someone.
• 25:15
  And number two, even after you're married, if you're overdoing it and you're over-functioning and you're overwhelmed, then you need to account for that, and you need to make some arrangements so you're not overdoing it there either.
• 25:27
  And you don't have to prove that you're the most understanding woman that he's ever met.
• 25:32
  You don't have to show him how much easier you can make his life.
• 25:35
  It's the opposite.
• 25:36
  He should be showing you how much easier he can make your life, and then that creates the positive polarity reinforcement loop I was talking about a few minutes ago.
• 25:46
  So you don't have to become his personal assistant just because you're hoping to be this man's wife.
• 25:51
  It's gonna give you the exact opposite result that it is that you're looking for, and If you do end up becoming this man's wife, it starts the whole thing off on the wrong foot, and then you'll be in my DMs five years later because you're exhausted and resentful.
• 26:03
  So let dating be dating.
• 26:06
  Let him get to know you.
• 26:08
  Let yourself actually get to know him and how he would naturally respond to situations because you are no longer jumping in, trying to make something happen.
• 26:18
  Let him discover your personality, your values, your interests, your humor, and your warmth.
• 26:23
  And take your time getting to know this man because you are evaluating him, too.
• 26:29
  This is not a one-sided audition where he's the prize no, girl, you are the prize.
• 26:35
  That's how this works.
• 26:36
  And you're both determining whether or not this is the relationship that each of you want.
• 26:42
  And when you approach dating from that place, then the entire energy changes.
• 26:46
  So when I met my husband, we were both clear on our values.
• 26:49
  We were both clear on the type of lifestyle we wanted.
• 26:52
  We were obviously attracted to each other, and the decision became obvious that this would be a good marriage, right?
• 26:59
  It wasn't this crazy dramatic thing.
• 27:01
  I wasn't controlling anything.
• 27:03
  I didn't change to make my husband do anything.
• 27:05
  None of that.
• 27:06
  It's because we were just enjoying ourselves.
• 27:09
  We got to know each other, and pretty quickly, we realized that we were on the same page about the most important life things, and then, you know, we're married.
• 27:17
  That's basically what happened Now, there is a difference between being receptive and playing games that I think is really important, because I know somebody is going to hear this and think that I'm telling women to ignore men, to wait three days until you text him back, or pretend that they're not interested.
• 27:33
  I'm absolutely not doing that, because that's not what feminine energy is.
• 27:37
  And quite frankly, I think a lot of the dating advice out here and a lot of the feminine energy channels on the internet is manipulation dressed up as empowerment and misandry in a better outfit.
• 27:46
  So you don't need to pretend that you don't like someone.
• 27:50
  You don't need to manufacture scarcity.
• 27:52
  You don't need to calculate how many minutes to wait before responding.
• 27:56
  You can be warm, you can be affectionate, you can express appreciation.
• 28:00
  You can let a man know that you enjoy getting to know him, but you don't have to manage the entire relationship there's a difference between saying,"I had such a wonderful time with you.
• 28:09
  Thank you for planning that," and sending him five messages asking whether or not you're going to see him again because you're afraid that he might forget about you.
• 28:17
  One is a genuine expression of appreciation, and it was done from a place of feminine energy, and the other may be an attempt to manage uncertainty because what do us human beings hate?
• 28:27
  We hate uncertainty, and that's when our anxiety starts to take, take over.
• 28:32
  And this is where the inner work comes in.
• 28:35
  Can you enjoy a connection without immediately needing to know exactly where it's going?
• 28:39
  Can you allow someone to demonstrate interest without constantly checking for reassurance?
• 28:45
  Can you communicate your desires without feeling responsible for making the other person fulfill them?
• 28:51
  And can you walk away when someone's behavior consistently doesn't align with what you are looking for?
• 28:58
  The last one is especially important because receptivity doesn't mean sitting around indefinitely waiting for a man to make you his wife or commit to you or make up his mind about you.
• 29:09
  You still have standards.
• 29:10
  You still have boundaries.
• 29:12
  You still have a life.
• 29:13
  And feminine energy is not the absence of discernment.
• 29:16
  It's the ability to remain open without abandoning yourself.
• 29:20
  That's the difference So let's go into how to actually stop over-functioning.
• 29:25
  What does this even look like in practice?
• 29:28
  I'm gonna give you a few things to start paying attention to.
• 29:31
  So first, stop filling every gap.
• 29:33
  If a man says he wants to take you out, allow him to make the plan.
• 29:37
  If he asks for your availability, tell him, but resist the urge to organize everything simply because you're capable of doing it.
• 29:46
  Second, stop making excuses for behavior that you don't actually want.
• 29:50
  You can have compassion for someone while acknowledging that they may not be the right fit for you, and that's okay.
• 29:56
  Maybe he is busy.
• 29:57
  Maybe he's going through something.
• 29:59
  Maybe he genuinely isn't ready for a relationship.
• 30:02
  All of those things can be true, and you can still decide that this is not the right match for you Third, practice receiving without reciprocating.
• 30:10
  So if he wants to treat you to dinner, girl, let him.
• 30:13
  Okay?
• 30:14
  Stop offering to pay the thing.
• 30:16
  If he compliments you, say thank you.
• 30:18
  If he offers to help you with something allow yourself to receive the support.
• 30:22
  That's actually how I met my husband, right?
• 30:25
  You don't have to immediately make everything equal.
• 30:28
  A healthy relationship involves reciprocity over time, but it doesn't mean that it needs to become a constant accounting exercise.
• 30:37
  Okay?
• 30:37
  So this whole 50/50 thing, I've done other videos on why it doesn't work, but just note that while there is reciprocity, what each person brings in their masculine and feminine energy is different and meant to complement each other.
• 30:52
  Fourth, and I say this all the time, keep your own life full.
• 30:57
  And I don't mean pretending to be busy to make a man chase you, I mean genuinely have a life that you enjoy.
• 31:03
  Your friendships, your interests, your spiritual practices, your business or your career, your relationship with yourself.
• 31:10
  Dating gets a lot easier, and marriage gets a lot easier when you stop making a man's attention the center of your emotional universe.
• 31:20
  Some of you have nothing going on for yourselves.
• 31:23
  You have nothing going on in your lives.
• 31:24
  You're working 80 hours a week for a job you can't even stand, then you're home recovering, lamenting about how you don't have a man, and then watching YouTube videos like this, which I appreciate you watching the YouTube videos.
• 31:36
  I'm glad that you're getting a lot of value out of it, but I'm gonna tell you the same thing I've been saying for a year.
• 31:41
  You have to have your own life.
• 31:43
  You have to have your own interests, even if you are married.
• 31:46
  I am married, and I have my own life.
• 31:49
  I have my own interests, like this YouTube channel that started as a creative side project after my husband and I got married because he took on the full provider role.
• 31:58
  I was able to let go of an old business that I didn't wanna be doing anymore, and this started as a creative project to entertain myself.
• 32:04
  And now it's turned into a business, right?
• 32:07
  And it's one of the easiest, fastest-growing projects I've ever had because I make sure, or my husband and I both,'cause it takes two, make sure that we remain in that positive polarity reinforcement loop.
• 32:19
  And the most important thing to know here, especially if you're new to this, is you have to learn to tolerate discomfort of not being in control.
• 32:28
  Now, if you are what I call the awakening warrior archetype, then all you want is control, and that's what's messing you up in your relationships and also probably in the rest of your life.
• 32:39
  So make sure to take that free quiz that I mentioned to know which archetype is running your dating life and how these patterns are showing up, but control is, like, number one for the awakening warrior And once a woman starts moving into what I call the conscious queen archetype, then she has to learn to tolerate discomfort of not being in control because this is probably the hardest part.
• 33:03
  When you stop initiating, you're going to feel anxious, okay?
• 33:07
  Your anxiety is going to come up.
• 33:09
  You might stop planning and wonder whether or not anything will happen.
• 33:13
  What's gonna happen with this man?
• 33:14
  Is he gonna leave me?
• 33:15
  Is he gonna pursue me?
• 33:16
  Is he gonna initiate?
• 33:18
  You might ask a man for help, and then you're gonna be like,"Oh my God, is he actually gonna pull through for me?" I get it.
• 33:22
  I understand.
• 33:23
  I lived there for a very long time.
• 33:25
  But one of the top things I had to do in order to manifest my husband as fast as I did was let go of control, and it's one of the best things I've ever done in my entire life.
• 33:34
  I'm making more money.
• 33:35
  I'm in a good marriage.
• 33:36
  I made a lot of dreams come true very quickly.
• 33:39
  I get to have fun all the time, and my skin's looking good, too, okay?
• 33:42
  So please let go of control.
• 33:46
  And you're going to be uncomfortable when you do this, but that discomfort doesn't automatically mean that you are doing something wrong.
• 33:54
  Sometimes it means you're learning a different way of relating not just to the men, but also to the world.
• 34:01
  And you can soothe yourself through that uncertainty without immediately jumping back into old patterns.
• 34:08
  Let me give you an example.
• 34:09
  There was a woman in our chat recently on one of our livestreams, which by the way, we're gonna start doing members-only livestreams.
• 34:16
  The livestreams are now gonna be members only, so make sure to join as a member so you get access to these livestreams where I can coach you live if you're interested in that, make sure to join the membership.
• 34:27
  And this came up in one of the chats.
• 34:29
  And what came up in one of the chats was a woman, uh, was exhausted.
• 34:33
  She's been married to her husband for a while.
• 34:35
  She's exhausted.
• 34:35
  She's tired.
• 34:37
  And she's like,"Oh my gosh, I want him to start, you know, picking up the slack a bit more." She started following the videos on this YouTube channel, started following some of the advice, started asking him more for help.
• 34:46
  He wants to help her, which is a very good sign, but here's where the over-functioner came back because she got anxious.
• 34:53
  He starts helping her, but because he's not finding the solution fast enough, then what does she do?
• 34:58
  Her anxiety takes over.
• 34:59
  She goes to Google, and she finds the answer.
• 35:01
  Girl, stop doing that, okay?
• 35:03
  Let this man be your hero.
• 35:05
  He can figure out Google himself.
• 35:07
  Let the man have a challenge that he needs to overcome.
• 35:10
  Let him slay the dragon for you rather than you letting your anxiety take over.
• 35:16
  So in those moments, you have to learn how to soothe yourself, and that's where a lot of the nervous system regulation tools that I teach, uh, both on this YouTube channel and in our paid training programs really help a lot in those moments So I wanna be clear about something.
• 35:31
  Doing less doesn't mean becoming less, right?
• 35:34
  So here's what I wanna leave you with, and we'll wrap it up here.
• 35:38
  When I tell women to do less in dating, I'm not telling them to make themselves smaller.
• 35:43
  I'm not telling them to suppress their personalities.
• 35:46
  I'm not telling them to stop being ambitious, intelligent, successful, or capable.
• 35:50
  It's actually quite the opposite.
• 35:52
  I want you to become even more secure in who you are because the more secure you are, the less you feel that you need to prove yourself to a man and to the world in general.
• 36:04
  So you stop thinking that you have to earn somebody's attention.
• 36:08
  You stop trying to convince people that you're worth choosing.
• 36:12
  You stop confusing being needed and being useful with being loved.
• 36:18
  You stop believing that you have to earn love.
• 36:21
  And then you start recognizing the difference between someone who genuinely wants to build a relationship with you and someone who simply enjoys everything you're willing to do for them.
• 36:31
  So a lot of you who feel used and abused by men, it's because you have not been clear about anything that I have talked about in this video, and it is a very important distinction because the right relationship shouldn't require you to carry all the effort just for you to keep it alive.
• 36:47
  A healthy relationship does not require a woman to carry all the effort just to keep it alive.
• 36:53
  Are there men out here who will force a woman into that position?
• 36:57
  Yes, but there are just as many men who want to take on that masculine role and make your life easier, but you have to let him, and you have to stop being in control so you can see what it is that you're dealing with when you are out here dating.
• 37:11
  And if you desire a man who takes initiative, who follows through, who's a good man, who's in his masculine energy, who enjoys providing, who enjoys being generous with you, then you need to stop jumping in, and you need to stop managing the whole relationship And the thing is, you're allowed to want that.
• 37:27
  You don't have to apologize for it, but you also need to give yourself permission to stop compensating when someone isn't offering those things to you naturally.
• 37:38
  Because your job isn't to train a grown man in how to value you.
• 37:42
  Do you teach people how to treat you?
• 37:44
  Yes, but there's a difference between you having respect and dignity for yourself versus trying to change another person and train them.
• 37:51
  Your job is to know your value, communicate what you desire, and recognize whether the person in front of you is capable of meeting you there.
• 37:59
  And that's where doing less actually becomes incredibly powerful so here's my invitation to you.
• 38:06
  The next time you catch yourself trying to make something happen with a man, ask yourself one question: Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't?
• 38:17
  That answer will tell you everything that it is that you need to know because the answer that you give will reveal a lot about where you're at with all of this So if you're constantly initiating because you're afraid he'll disappear, pay attention to that.
• 38:30
  If you're constantly giving because you're not enough, pay attention to that.
• 38:35
  If you're constantly making excuses because you're afraid to start over, pay attention to that.
• 38:39
  You don't need to judge yourself for any of it, but you do need to become very aware of it because awareness is where things can begin to change.
• 38:48
  And I would actually love to know something from you.
• 38:51
  Have you ever stopped putting in all the effort with a man and realized you were the only reason the connection was continuing?
• 38:58
  I did.
• 38:59
  That definitely happened to me before I met my husband.
• 39:02
  Um, and I learned real quick not to do that.
• 39:04
  Or did you discover that when you stepped back, he actually stepped forward?
• 39:09
  Now tell me in the comments because I know that we're gonna have some interesting conversations, scenarios, and questions.
• 39:15
  We always get questions because everyone's like,"But what about this?
• 39:18
  But what about that?" So I know that's gonna show up in the comment section.
• 39:21
  And if you're ready to go deeper into feminine energy, healing the patterns that keep you over-functioning, and learning how to become more receptive to healthy masculine energy, then I have a couple resources for you.
• 39:32
  The first is our Feminine Magnetism Mastery program.
• 39:35
  It's only$27.
• 39:37
  It's one of our best sellers.
• 39:38
  It'll give you the masculine and feminine psychology 101, and it will also teach you about all the innocent mistakes that women make when it comes to dating and relationships.
• 39:48
  And the second one is if you wanna manifest love in 2027, then I invite you to join us in our Magnetic Manifestation Portal.
• 39:57
  It's happening December 5th and 6th live on Zoom.
• 40:00
  Some of you have already started swooping up tickets, and I hadn't even announced it yet so thank you.
• 40:06
  Um, and when you join us in that two-day live training, you will also get the Magnetic Woman Transformation, which is the best nervous system regulation training I've ever done, as a free bonus, and you will get access to that immediately.
• 40:19
  So you'll find the links to all of that in the description and also in the first comment.
• 40:24
  And of course, subscribe if you enjoy conversations about feminine energy, masculine and feminine polarity, relationships, money, manifestation, and a life rooted in alignment rather than constant effort.
• 40:37
  Thank you so much for giving me your time today, and I'll catch you on the next one.