Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #621 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#621 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
0:05
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers?
0:10
Speaker 1: Now ten weeks, Kylie, ten weeks until Christmas?
0:14
Speaker 2: Are you counting?
0:15
Speaker 1: I just counted a ten weeks until Christmas? Is that
0:20
Speaker 1: just doing your head in a little bit?
0:22
Speaker 2: Yeah?
0:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is actually ten weeks. Hello, it's Justin and Kylie.
0:27
Speaker 1: We are excited for our old Do Better Tomorrow episode
0:29
Speaker 1: of the Happy Families podcast. This week something different. Normally
0:32
Speaker 1: we share something that we've each learned this week in
0:34
Speaker 1: our parenting. Maybe it was because of a failure. Maybe
0:37
Speaker 1: it was because we just nailed it and we want
0:39
Speaker 1: to replicate it and be better. I actually feel like
0:42
Speaker 1: my parenting this week's been mostly on song. I feel
0:46
Speaker 1: like I've done a reasonably good job this week. But
0:49
Speaker 1: instead of blowing my own trumpet, you wrote something for
0:54
Speaker 1: our Happy Families members and for anyone who's not a
0:57
Speaker 1: Happy Family's member. I want to give you a sneak
0:58
Speaker 1: peek of the kind of content that you get in
1:00
Speaker 1: our premium membership. Kylie writes a monthly blog. We've got
1:04
Speaker 1: Q and A's, there's webinars, there's a whole lot of
1:06
Speaker 1: other material that we provide for you to support your
1:08
Speaker 1: family better. But Kylie, what you wrote this month for
1:13
Speaker 1: Kylie's Corner, I think any any month particularly, is going
1:17
Speaker 1: to just say oh yes, but any dad is also
1:20
Speaker 1: going to pause and go it's hard. This is this
1:23
Speaker 1: is why being in a family and making our relationship
1:26
Speaker 1: work is so hard. So I wondered if today, well
1:30
Speaker 1: we've already talked about it. I know what the answer is,
1:31
Speaker 1: but I thought it would be great if you would
1:34
Speaker 1: read and share your Kylie's Corner with our audience so
1:37
Speaker 1: they know number one, what they're missing out, but number two,
1:39
Speaker 1: so they can get a glimpse of this insight because
1:41
Speaker 1: it's just I think. I think it's you at your best.
1:45
Speaker 1: So can we can we hear it? Can you read it?
1:47
Speaker 1: What did you call it? What are we? What are
1:49
Speaker 1: we in for?
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Speaker 2: It's called name it? You can tame it. It's just
1:57
Speaker 2: another hump day in our house. Or maybe not. It's
2:01
Speaker 2: eight thirty am. The kids are being successfully dropped off
2:03
Speaker 2: to school, all bar one who was feeling unwell upon
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Speaker 2: waking and has taken herself back to bed in a
2:08
Speaker 2: sick and juice coma. My husband, feeling pressure looming over
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Speaker 2: his head with growing veracity, should be at work chipping
2:14
Speaker 2: away at a deadline now long past, But instead he
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Speaker 2: chooses to lean in. He wants to connect, to be close.
2:21
Speaker 2: He senses that all is not well with me, and
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Speaker 2: he feels me holding back, feels the distance growing between us.
2:28
Speaker 2: Emotions are close to the surface, and yet I haven't
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Speaker 2: actually taken the time to understand how I'm feeling. I
2:33
Speaker 2: know the why, but without any thought, I think I
2:36
Speaker 2: feel sad, sad that his workload is so intense. I
2:39
Speaker 2: feel like I'm not important. But I'm learning that this
2:42
Speaker 2: is just the surface stuff, and if I don't dig
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Speaker 2: deep enough, those feelings can eat me alive, swallowed up
2:47
Speaker 2: in the agony of life as I feel it so
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Speaker 2: as uncomfortable and foreign as it is for me, I
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Speaker 2: choose to lean in. I choose to be held. I
2:55
Speaker 2: choose to get curious, and I choose to share the
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Speaker 2: hard and the ugly truth with him. My truth. The
3:02
Speaker 2: truth is I am deeply sad. He's my best friend,
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Speaker 2: the one I want to spend every waking moment with,
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Speaker 2: and yet anyone who's anyone knows that that's not really
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Speaker 2: possible unless someone else is paying the bills, someone has
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Speaker 2: to go to work. In our relationship, it's him. But
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Speaker 2: when I dig deeper, there's still more. I'm really mad,
3:20
Speaker 2: mad that he loves what he does so much that
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Speaker 2: he often bites off more than he can chew, leaving
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Speaker 2: little room for me at times, a singleness of mind
3:27
Speaker 2: that encompasses its every waking moment, his ever growing motivation,
3:31
Speaker 2: his drive to make a difference in the world, and
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Speaker 2: that makes me realize there's more. I'm jealous. I'm jealous
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Speaker 2: of the time he spends in his head, in his books,
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Speaker 2: on the screen, jealous of all he gives to you,
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Speaker 2: his followers, and all the while, as I try on
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Speaker 2: these emotions tentatively, like a newly made garment I'm not
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Speaker 2: sure quite fits right. As I clumsily try to express
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Speaker 2: how I'm feeling, he just holds me, listening intently. My
3:56
Speaker 2: bag pressed against his chest enables me to keep sharing
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Speaker 2: undaughtered what he might see. If our eyes connect, I
4:03
Speaker 2: can feel the steady beat of his heart, and I pause,
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Speaker 2: searching deeper, still wondering if I've reached the bottom of
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Speaker 2: the well. But there's more. In his distraction. I sometimes
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Speaker 2: feel unseen, and I'm afraid afraid that, after twenty five
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Speaker 2: years together, in a body that has morphed more times
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Speaker 2: than I can count, that maybe I'm not enough enough
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Speaker 2: to pique his interest, enough to keep his interest. He
4:24
Speaker 2: has focused on task more than usual these days, and
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Speaker 2: I can't help but wonder if I am enough anymore.
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Speaker 2: I search the far reaches of my mind. I can
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Speaker 2: sense its presence before I can even name it. I'm
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Speaker 2: not sure I want to go there. It feels all encompassing, dark, heavy,
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Speaker 2: and ugly, but his reassuring presence gives me the courage
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Speaker 2: to press on. On top of it all, I feel
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Speaker 2: enormous guilt, Guilty that, with all he has on his
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Speaker 2: plate right now, knowing intimately the weight of everything he
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Speaker 2: is carrying, I am adding to his already heavy load.
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Speaker 2: Guilty that what he offers me right now is not
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Speaker 2: enough for me, that I can't rest in all we
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Speaker 2: have shared before, or knowing that this is just a
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Speaker 2: small season and time, and there is so much more
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Speaker 2: in store for us to share. Guilty because he has
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Speaker 2: proven in countless ways each and every day we've shared
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Speaker 2: together that I am the love of his life, and
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Speaker 2: he would literally move heaven and earth to be by
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Speaker 2: my side. Guilty that I would find fault in his
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Speaker 2: growing desire to make a difference in the world, that
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Speaker 2: I would get in the way of the great work
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Speaker 2: he is doing and helping families find hope in the
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Speaker 2: world that often paints a dismal picture of the realities
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Speaker 2: of family life. Guilty that I am unable to offer
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Speaker 2: him grace for one more day, a small moment in time,
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Speaker 2: because huh, I miss him. The reality is I miss him,
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Speaker 2: I miss us, I miss life as I know it.
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Speaker 2: At this moment, life is a foreign land we have
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Speaker 2: visited before, and I'm reminded of all I hate about it,
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Speaker 2: the way it pulls you in and traps you in
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Speaker 2: its wake for days, weeks, months on end, no ability
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Speaker 2: to look to the left or the right, as one
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Speaker 2: has drawn almost against their wall. By the light at
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Speaker 2: the end of the tunnel. Something amazing happens, though, when
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Speaker 2: I speak my truth face my demons, not out of anger,
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Speaker 2: not in judgment or in a need to have him
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Speaker 2: fix them and make everything okay, but just as an
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Speaker 2: acknowledgment that they are all there, an intoxicating cocktail of
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Speaker 2: emotion that left alone in the dark abyss of my
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Speaker 2: mind fester and gay momentum left unspoken leave me drowning
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Speaker 2: in my self imposed realities, but brought to the surface
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Speaker 2: and into the light help me realize they're not all
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Speaker 2: of them are truth. They're just feelings spoken out loud.
6:27
Speaker 2: Their presence is no longer overwhelming, their power fading with
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Speaker 2: every passing breath, And as I lay there entangled in
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Speaker 2: his arms, I feel his love soothing, reassuring and real.
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Speaker 2: The beast of emotion left unnamed can easily swallow us whole,
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Speaker 2: but having the courage to draw it out of the
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Speaker 2: deep crevices of one's mind and shed the light of
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Speaker 2: day on it is like turning the light on and
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Speaker 2: watching the shadows of night that left you cowering as
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Speaker 2: a child under the covers disappear in an instant, tamed
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Speaker 2: and no longer taking up precious space in my heart
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Speaker 2: and mind. I see truth. I feel truth. The truth
7:01
Speaker 2: is the road is all uphill right now, and time
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Speaker 2: together is limited. But their light at the end of
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Speaker 2: the tunnel is so close we can almost reach it
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Speaker 2: with both hands. And for the first time since I
7:12
Speaker 2: started sharing, I noticed my heart beating in time with
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Speaker 2: his as one, and as it should be. The dark
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Speaker 2: can't hurt me when I turn on the light. Name it,
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Speaker 2: and with practice we learn how to tame it. All
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Speaker 2: of them, they are a gift to self, a chance
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Speaker 2: to reflect, to learn, and to grow. In Justin's words,
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Speaker 2: it's time to get curious.
7:36
Speaker 1: So I love what you write there. I love the
7:39
Speaker 1: way that you have unpacked your emotional world, and a
7:42
Speaker 1: couple of observations and conversation points out of it. First
7:45
Speaker 1: of all, this is why men say, oh, for goodness sake,
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Speaker 1: it's not more emotions. It's like layer upon layer upon.
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Speaker 1: Now I'm jesting. One of the things that I really
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Speaker 1: want to pull out of this is the amount of
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Speaker 1: effort that's real quiet. It's heavy lifting to really excavate
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Speaker 1: to work out what is at the seat of our emotions.
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Speaker 1: And I love how you've gone through this anger and
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Speaker 1: frustration and sadness and blah blah blah blah guilt until
8:13
Speaker 1: you get to I miss I miss him. That highlights
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Speaker 1: just how much work needs to be done to understand
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Speaker 1: and label our emotions accurately. And we don't do that
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Speaker 1: very often for ourselves or for our kids. We're looking
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Speaker 1: for a quick fix. We're trying to be efficient. We're
8:29
Speaker 1: just trying to move things along, and it sounds hard.
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Speaker 1: And in spite of the hard though, once you do
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Speaker 1: the work, everything's better. Right, just the world makes sense
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Speaker 1: once you understand what is happening emotionally.
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Speaker 2: I think for too many of us we get sidetracked
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Speaker 2: on the big emotion that's at the surface. And for
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Speaker 2: so long I've spent so much of my time just
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Speaker 2: thinking I'm angry. And it's not until you actually allow
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Speaker 2: yourself to sit in that space and to start to
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Speaker 2: just kind of really dig deep that you recognize that
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Speaker 2: that's actually the least of the emotions. It's the emotions
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Speaker 2: underneath that next layer that help you to kind of
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Speaker 2: unpack it. And even then you don't find the answers
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Speaker 2: until you keep going to recognize that what is lying
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Speaker 2: at the very bottom of all of that is often
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Speaker 2: not as big and scary as we think.
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Speaker 1: It is a couple of other points to pick up
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Speaker 1: on what you've written and what you've just said. The
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Speaker 1: first point is I came out looking pretty good in
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Speaker 1: that I was patient, I hugged you, I listened, I
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Speaker 1: asked you a few questions, and we just kept on going.
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Speaker 1: Deeper and deeper. But the more serious point that I
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Speaker 1: wanted to make is at the heart of so much
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Speaker 1: of our emotional distress. Our emotional discontent is a desire
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Speaker 1: for connection, to be seen, to be heard, to be valued,
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Speaker 1: to love and be loved, And really at the very
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Speaker 1: heart of what you were writing about here, you're saying,
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Speaker 1: I need to connect. I need this to be more
10:03
Speaker 1: than a transactional passing each other in the corridor relationship.
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Speaker 1: We've got to see each other.
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Speaker 2: I think the thing that stands out for me is
10:12
Speaker 2: that while I don't for a second suggest that you're
10:15
Speaker 2: sitting there and having to listen to me as I
10:17
Speaker 2: started to unpack, was necessarily easy on the ears. We're
10:22
Speaker 2: very easy to sit in that space and actually feel
10:27
Speaker 2: like this is all your fault and that you actually
10:30
Speaker 2: have to fix it. The reality is that all you
10:34
Speaker 2: had to do was just be there.
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Speaker 1: And I still remember the conversation. It was obviously a
10:39
Speaker 1: few weeks ago now, but I still remember the conversation
10:41
Speaker 1: where you would say something and I had an impulse
10:44
Speaker 1: to say a yeah, but you don't understand, or yeah,
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Speaker 1: but this matters so much, or look at the work
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Speaker 1: that's being done look at the people that are being
10:53
Speaker 1: helped to look at the commitment that I've made, and
10:55
Speaker 1: look at from my perspective. I had to fight that
10:59
Speaker 1: about seven hundred times in the six A tanel What
11:04
Speaker 1: for sixty minutes that the conversation took and I had
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Speaker 1: other things to be doing other than laying there listening
11:08
Speaker 1: to you as you went through a little psychotherapy session
11:10
Speaker 1: with me. Yet as I heard you make your I
11:16
Speaker 1: mean you weren't airing grievances. But as I heard you
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Speaker 1: express what you were feeling, fighting that impulse and instead
11:22
Speaker 1: saying I know, and yes, and what else and tell
11:26
Speaker 1: me more about that, it actually wasn't that hard. And
11:30
Speaker 1: every time I was able to do that, you would
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Speaker 1: pause and go deeper. It's hard for you to do this, though,
11:38
Speaker 1: it's hard for most people to do it, And I
11:40
Speaker 1: think that we've got to explore why it's hard for
11:43
Speaker 1: us to do it and why it matters that we
11:46
Speaker 1: parent the way we do, because there's a link between
11:47
Speaker 1: the two. I think, why is it so hard for
11:50
Speaker 1: you to allow me to hear your voice, and why
11:55
Speaker 1: is it so hard for you to identify the emotions
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Speaker 1: you're experiencing Double barreled question.
12:01
Speaker 2: So at the end of last week, you had an
12:04
Speaker 2: interview on a current affair, and you talked about just
12:07
Speaker 2: this need to rethink the way we pair in our children,
12:12
Speaker 2: specifically around smacking. And I have spent a lot of
12:16
Speaker 2: time not wanting to add my voice to this debate
12:21
Speaker 2: at all, as this particular interview really caused quite a stir.
12:27
Speaker 2: It actually got me thinking about the way I was
12:29
Speaker 2: raised and some of the challenges that I had growing up,
12:34
Speaker 2: and smacking was a huge part of my discipline as
12:39
Speaker 2: a young child, and I've known that and I thought
12:42
Speaker 2: i'd come to terms with everything associated with that. But
12:46
Speaker 2: as the conversations continued to flow with friends and family
12:49
Speaker 2: around the smacking debate, I started to think about the
12:53
Speaker 2: things that I actually learned as a result of smacking.
12:57
Speaker 2: People would easily make the assumption that because I was
13:01
Speaker 2: smacked a lot, I must have been a naughty child.
13:03
Speaker 2: But I wasn't, And if you talk to my parents,
13:05
Speaker 2: they'll attest that I was actually the golden child in
13:08
Speaker 2: the family. But I received punishment a lot. And it
13:14
Speaker 2: wasn't until I actually started to think about what I
13:17
Speaker 2: actually learned in those moments that I recognized how intimately
13:23
Speaker 2: tied my inability to express emotion has become. In those
13:29
Speaker 2: moments where I was disciplined through smacking, I didn't learn
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Speaker 2: that my parents loved me and they were doing this
13:37
Speaker 2: for my best interest. I learned that it wasn't safe
13:41
Speaker 2: to actually share my emotions because you think about the
13:44
Speaker 2: times we discipline our children, it's when their emotions are
13:46
Speaker 2: usually big, whether it's anger or jealousy or envy, whether
13:51
Speaker 2: it's over excitement, whatever the big emotion is, is when
13:56
Speaker 2: the discipline seems to be the harshest. And you know,
14:00
Speaker 2: as I went through and thought about the things that
14:03
Speaker 2: I learned as a result of those experiences, the list
14:09
Speaker 2: just got bigger and bigger, and I recognized just how
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Speaker 2: closed off I have been from being able to actually
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Speaker 2: explore my emotions and articulate them. Because, out of everything,
14:21
Speaker 2: I think, the deepest and hardest thing that I learned
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Speaker 2: through that process was that love was conditional, that my
14:31
Speaker 2: best efforts were actually never enough, that there was no
14:34
Speaker 2: room for error, and that I was unworthy of love
14:39
Speaker 2: and affection. And so, in spite of the fact that
14:43
Speaker 2: I have lived in a beautiful, loving and supportive marriage,
14:51
Speaker 2: being able to actually get to a point where a
14:54
Speaker 2: couple of weeks ago, I was able to unpack in
14:57
Speaker 2: a really deep and powerful way for me those feelings.
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Speaker 2: That has been a really, really scary place for me
15:04
Speaker 2: to see it.
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Speaker 1: Last week, we had a conversation about helping your kids
15:09
Speaker 1: find there in a voice, and I think that listening
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Speaker 1: to this conversation really brings all of this together. When
15:16
Speaker 1: we were raised or when our children are raised in
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Speaker 1: an environment where emotions are shut down through parents being
15:23
Speaker 1: punitive and being quote unquote disciplinarian, it actually cuts them
15:27
Speaker 1: off from their emotional world. It makes them feel like
15:31
Speaker 1: their voice is unimportant, it's on mute. They need to
15:35
Speaker 1: silence their voice and listen to the voice of the
15:37
Speaker 1: powerful people around them. I love the insight that you've
15:41
Speaker 1: had as a result of the current Affair interview. But
15:43
Speaker 1: I also love the insight that you've had in that
15:47
Speaker 1: when we spend the time to go through an emotional
15:52
Speaker 1: identification process, we discover that there is layer upon layer
15:56
Speaker 1: upon layer. If you remember the TV commercial from all
15:59
Speaker 1: those years ago, there's so many layers or the Shrek thing,
16:03
Speaker 1: layers of an onion just got to keep on peeling
16:06
Speaker 1: the layers back. A lot of this is a gendered statement. Unfortunately,
16:10
Speaker 1: the research bears it out, which is why I'm saying it.
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Speaker 1: A lot of men do not identify their emotions at all,
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Speaker 1: and again, I'm pretty sure it's because the way we're
16:19
Speaker 1: raised is that you just you don't have emotions. You
16:22
Speaker 1: bottle it up, you keep it in. You're either happy,
16:24
Speaker 1: you're good, you're fine, you're no worries, or you're angry.
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Speaker 1: That's kind of about it. As we get better and
16:31
Speaker 1: better at identifying our emotions, we become more whole. We
16:34
Speaker 1: become more vulnerable, more complete, more connected with the people
16:39
Speaker 1: around us. Our relationships are enriched. It's just a Kylie.
16:45
Speaker 1: I love your article, and I'm so grateful for the
16:47
Speaker 1: conversation and for what you've shared. I hope that everyone
16:50
Speaker 1: who's listening is able to pull this apart, to tease
16:53
Speaker 1: it apart, maybe even go and listen to it again
16:54
Speaker 1: with a partner or a spouse or a loved one.
16:57
Speaker 1: I want to add one last thing to this conversation.
17:01
Speaker 1: After the current affair interview, I got a phone call
17:05
Speaker 1: the next day from your mum. I don't think she's
17:09
Speaker 1: called you, but she rang me to say thanks. You've
17:15
Speaker 1: shared openly on the podcast that your mum was harsh.
17:19
Speaker 1: She was a disciplinarian and she would hit a lot.
17:25
Speaker 1: And she thanked me for the interview, and then she
17:30
Speaker 1: told me that she just wished that she'd understood at
17:35
Speaker 1: a younger age what she now knows now in her seventies.
17:40
Speaker 1: She wishes that it was different. I thought that was
17:43
Speaker 1: a powerful, powerful statement. Not every person who hit thinks
17:49
Speaker 1: that it was deserved, and not everyone who was hit
17:52
Speaker 1: things that they turned out fine. And these kinds of
17:56
Speaker 1: conversations help us to open up the pathways into to
18:00
Speaker 1: our hearts and hopefully make stronger connections.
18:04
Speaker 2: Like I said at the beginning, this is not a
18:07
Speaker 2: conversation I've really wanted to get involved in, but as
18:11
Speaker 2: I have started to unpack just the profound impact that
18:15
Speaker 2: it's had in my life, there's just this need to
18:21
Speaker 2: share in a hope that it makes a difference to
18:23
Speaker 2: one family.
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Speaker 1: I think it might be the most powerful podcast episode
18:27
Speaker 1: we've ever done, and one of the most profound things
18:29
Speaker 1: that you've shared. And I really appreciate that. We really
18:33
Speaker 1: really do hope that this has been a useful podcast
18:36
Speaker 1: for you in your home and in your family, and
18:38
Speaker 1: that it does help you to make your family happier.
18:42
Speaker 1: We hope you have a wonderful weekend. Happy Family's podcast
18:45
Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
18:48
Speaker 1: is our executive producer. And if you'd like more information
18:50
Speaker 1: about how to make your family happier, particularly if you
18:52
Speaker 1: feel like the family's a hot mess, check out the
18:55
Speaker 1: Happy Family's Hot Mess Summit. It's going to be an
18:58
Speaker 1: incredible summit. It's coming up in just a couple of weeks.
19:01
Speaker 1: The Early Birds Special is only on for a short
19:04
Speaker 1: while longer and we would love for you to join us.
19:07
Speaker 1: All the details at Happy families dot com dot au
19:10
Speaker 1: or our Facebook page Doctor Justin Coulson's Happy Families