Latest / The Tom & Gerry Show Podcast / Christmas Special 2023

Transcript

Christmas Special 2023 · The Tom & Gerry Show Podcast

• 0:16
  Welcome everybody, come in, let me take your coach. How are you
• 0:19
  doing? Was the drive bad? Well, i'll tell you. Lark that
• 0:23
  r V at the front, she's nice. Yeah, I've been empty in
• 0:26
  my waist down your drain for the last half an hour. Welcome everybody to
• 0:31
  the Tom and Jerry Show Christmas Special, where we're inviting you into our not
• 0:35
  our homes, but are like our fucking brains. I guess well, we're
• 0:40
  kind of going, you know whatever this here is. I think we're molso
• 0:43
  going into their place. If you were to talk about a metaphorical becoming reality,
• 0:47
  we're kind of going into their place. We're either in the car or
• 0:49
  the train with him, sitting alongside him, or the bus, or we're
• 0:52
  in the house with him. Because this is yeah, this one is another
• 0:55
  one right along. This is another writ along where you'll be skipping back if
• 1:00
  you have no idea what they're doing, much like the building a house kind
• 1:03
  of one and stuff like that where people go, Jesus Christ coming into your
• 1:07
  house like fucking Crampus. Go back if you wonder Watson's door with a Christmas
• 1:14
  Special. We've done a Christmas special nearly every year. If nothing else We've
• 1:18
  done a good few of them, the Christmas specials, and like that.
• 1:22
  We're taking a little bit of a bit of a break, but we are
• 1:23
  coming back in the new year, don't you worry. But spoiler alert,
• 1:27
  spiler alert. I get poked. I get poked daily. Oh Tom,
• 1:34
  I can't walk down the street without being mobbed by people asking when when there's
• 1:40
  going to be more Tom and Jerry content. But that's the good thing to
• 1:42
  have a Python piece. That's the good thing about living out the country is
• 1:46
  that you know they don't know where to find me. But hey, Tom,
• 1:53
  we were contractually obligated to have another fucking Christmas special. So here it
• 1:57
  is, right, we have a theme for this you like, we've talked
• 2:05
  to you about your lighting and your movies and your traditions and all this kind
• 2:07
  of thing. But why don't you tell the fine folks, Tom, what
• 2:10
  team we have for this year's Christmas special? This year's son is Catalog exactly.
• 2:15
  Sorry, I'm so sorry. Not the son is catalog that you buy
• 2:21
  your bathroom fixs from. Your son is annual that you have we puzzles and
• 2:24
  ship yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, cheat you through me there.
• 2:28
  It's like fucking yeah, sorry, the brain kind of like get the towel
• 2:30
  rack great, yeah, the steam shit annual? Here, Tom, what
• 2:34
  have you got well on this this particular, very special Christmas special we have.
• 2:40
  We're gonna bring you along, help you. You're sweating bullets right now.
• 2:45
  Christmas is falling on you. You're maybe coming about the age where you're
• 2:47
  to be the adult in the family now, and Nanna's and Granddad's and everybody's
• 2:52
  calling over to your fucking house and you're like, what I this wasn't when
• 2:57
  do I thought this didn't happen till I was in my sixties and think I
• 3:00
  started having the cook shit. Oh oh, I'm the cooker of Christmas dinner
• 3:04
  now. And you may never have done it before. You may have been
• 3:07
  inebriated every other year. You might have been just chilling and never maybe chimed
• 3:12
  in the odd time to top a fucking character, fucking peeless bud, But
• 3:16
  this is all on you now. You've never shelled a broad bean in your
• 3:20
  life, you lazy bastards. But Tom is gonna fucking sort all that out
• 3:23
  now, right, buddy. This is exactly what I've done. I've planned
• 3:27
  it out, I've written it all out now people. I know that if
• 3:29
  it's anything like the house building one, which I really must put up the
• 3:34
  transcript, put it up for I don't know where I would put it up
• 3:37
  for people to download it, but I have the transcript. This was handwritten,
• 3:39
  but I promise in the next week or two I will actually write it,
• 3:43
  type this out and if if Jerry you're the guy that would know these
• 3:46
  things, or we can just put it up on Instagram as pictures and you
• 3:49
  can just screen grab it if you want to get to send a self addressed
• 3:53
  envelope. That's it. That's what we do. Actually, Yeah, like
• 3:57
  the old days where we send out a sign picture from Tom Jerry, including
• 4:00
  the transcriptive today's podcast. Would it light end glossy just knows what our shorts
• 4:05
  off leaning on a fence. Yeah. Look, Tom, while you're while
• 4:11
  you're slaving away in the kitchen, I'm going to be helping the listeners with
• 4:14
  the other fine element of Christmas festivities. While Tom is doing the work with
• 4:20
  the meats and the spuds and the veggies and the brots and the gravies and
• 4:25
  the whatnots of the world, I'm going to be on drink and entertainment.
• 4:29
  There you go. I mean it has to be a party. You can't
• 4:30
  just rock up. This will be amazing to go. You have your fucking
• 4:32
  dinner in Witherspoons. If it's just a dinner you're after, you have to
• 4:35
  create atmos too, So Jerry's going to be in charge of that. The
• 4:40
  I haven't I haven't bothered it because this is completely your own progative. With
• 4:44
  starters, you can do the prawn ring, is you know? I go
• 4:47
  ask Jerry about prawn rings. You can do whatever you want for starters.
• 4:50
  I don't give a shit. I care not for starters. I don't care.
• 4:54
  They're just getting the way of the real fucking deal. I like to
• 4:56
  go to the main event. As far as the dessert goes, I pass
• 5:00
  out halfway through it anyway. But if you're going to do a dessert,
• 5:02
  I would suggest doing it the night or the day before. Yeah, buy
• 5:04
  a big romanticet. Come on, you have enough to be at. You
• 5:08
  have this man has an hour of instructions for you here. Now you think
• 5:12
  you're going to turn around and make home made ice cream after that? Come
• 5:14
  on, there's a lot in it. If it's your first time out,
• 5:15
  I go and buy the ship, buy that stuff in fairness, you know
• 5:18
  what I mean. It's it's all school to make it yourself legend if you
• 5:21
  can go and if you have the time and the time in the week to
• 5:24
  go and make your own pavlova or your own frind or you leave desert to
• 5:30
  me. Okay, great, you leave desert to me, buddy, fine,
• 5:33
  perfect, perfect, perfect, Well the first and foremost, get your
• 5:36
  pens at the ready. We're going to get a shopping lists going, Jerry.
• 5:41
  Now, I don't mind where you buy any ear shit from, but
• 5:44
  try and get good, if not write good quality for once, for once.
• 5:49
  You know what I mean. Just I would suggest that because everything kicks
• 5:54
  up a notch and people think you're a super cook, if you've gotten the
• 5:56
  better thing of everything. I'm not talking about going to fucking m ands for
• 5:59
  it. If there is a fucking you know, a farmer's market around the
• 6:02
  corner running there, the stuff lasts way longer. You can get it a
• 6:05
  week or two out. Especially lasts way longer when it's from them because they've
• 6:10
  normally pulled it out of the fucking ground in recent times. Not in some
• 6:12
  fucking farm in Israel where it's spent six weeks in a fucking container coming over,
• 6:15
  do you know what I mean? Let's get real right, So first
• 6:17
  things first, chair, Yes, some Orkie has to be tourky right now.
• 6:23
  People people will hum the hall they go, But what about a nut
• 6:26
  log? What? What about? What about? You know? For people
• 6:30
  in Cork? Yes there is there is fucking spiced beef, which is I
• 6:34
  think I round or top side fucking rolled and some stuff and pump through some
• 6:38
  ship go you know, do you? But if anybody's ever wondering to go,
• 6:43
  oh, we do have some Cork relatives coming to visit, get one
• 6:46
  of those things boil at the night before. They'll fucking eat it off the
• 6:48
  floor. And give them give them a give them a give them a chop
• 6:53
  and a clove rock. It's the same fucking thing. It's fucking not because
• 6:59
  two ate the two of them at the same time. I tell you,
• 7:00
  so you know what you do, Tom, give them like a give them
• 7:03
  like a minute steak and a shot of aftershock. Same thing, just a
• 7:10
  mouthful of fucking toothpaste and a fucking rasher. Fuck off. Yeah, it's
• 7:14
  yeah, it's it's it's not for me. I've had it. It isn't
• 7:16
  for me, not bad in the sandwichman containly, but that's not part of
• 7:19
  the fucking part. For the course here, turk isn't dinner to turkey.
• 7:24
  Now, there's loads of variations, and people would say, well, I'm
• 7:27
  just getting the bone the roll, but I'm just getting the crown. I
• 7:30
  go, you go you, But you can follow this pretty much the same
• 7:33
  way I'm talking about. Get the big old girl, the big fucker,
• 7:38
  get the main event, get the proper one that looks the part on Instagram,
• 7:41
  get the big turkey. Now, Tom, you're probably about to tell
• 7:44
  me this without me asking you, like how much turkey do you need per
• 7:46
  person? Yeah? It's like can you work it out? Is it like
• 7:50
  I have to get it? If I have ten people, I need a
• 7:54
  what like? Yeah? I mean they go by the pound, like they'd
• 7:58
  still the tempt Your recording is by the pound, But I mean, would
• 8:01
  you with the pound of fucking meat along with everything else? No? You
• 8:03
  probably No. A pound is the weight of a fucking of a pound of
• 8:07
  butter, right, So cut that back hang on a second time? Yeah,
• 8:13
  that's Ali's yeah, Yeah, so cut that back to a third.
• 8:16
  Give everybody a third of a pound, right, a pound? So okay,
• 8:18
  so that's really what you're gonna be doing with that and that, you
• 8:22
  know what I mean, You're probably gonna be talking even after, you know,
• 8:24
  after cooking weight and everything that's gonna be different than than original weight.
• 8:28
  Get yourself a big ass turkey. They you'll be fine, fox sake,
• 8:31
  you'll be fine just getting like you know, like if if you're a family
• 8:33
  of four or whatever like that, have you ever gone hungry after eating a
• 8:37
  whole rot tistory chicken between the four you? No, you wait, you
• 8:41
  see the bits and pieces that are gonna go with this, you know what
• 8:43
  I mean? It's so you got your turkey. Get Look now, people
• 8:46
  will talk about bronze, they'll talk about free range. I would, I
• 8:50
  would get your turkey in plenty of time. If you can get a free
• 8:52
  range branze, that's your flavor. I've We've raised fucking bronze. Here.
• 8:56
  Those are the big American ones with the fan at the back, fucking hate
• 9:01
  turkey's done. They're fucking dickets like they're they're I like, they have caused
• 9:05
  me nothing but pay down through the years. Those animals. Yeah, No,
• 9:07
  I don't want to get into it, but I just don't like them.
• 9:11
  Yeah, free range. If you can't get a free range, get
• 9:13
  a free range. They tend to taste a little bit better. But look,
• 9:16
  it doesn't fucking really matter at the end of it. A smartness thing
• 9:18
  with gravy come one way or another. So one hundred. So you're gonna
• 9:22
  need You're gonna need your ham, So you get your fucking ham. You
• 9:26
  want to get a fucking like, you don't need to go to town,
• 9:28
  depending on judge again, the size of the fucking thing you need. They'll
• 9:31
  try and sell you a fucking whole shoulder of fucking work, you know,
• 9:35
  before you split that between three houses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and
• 9:39
  you'll still be eating the march, you know what I mean. And it's
• 9:41
  it's got the big like like the fucking bone in the middle, like the
• 9:46
  bone out of the Bourbs is going through the fucking middle of it. Yeah,
• 9:48
  straight out of the fucking flip stoppers leg. Yeah. So you know
• 9:52
  it's up to you, but fucking chill axe, think about how many people
• 9:56
  you're cooking for. Do you really want to eating this ship for fucking six
• 9:58
  more weeks afterwards? No, So get your hand there's there's, there are
• 10:05
  options and there you're completely up to you, but you can factor it in
• 10:07
  with how I'm gonna tell you to fucking operate here. But there are options
• 10:11
  of all sorts of glazes now that come with it, and there's all sorts
• 10:13
  of everything else. Look, look, you can do that, but I'm
• 10:18
  just gonna give you the fucking bug basic right, which reminds me I just
• 10:22
  need to write one little thing in here for yeah, so to go alongside
• 10:28
  that, I suppose guessing, No, do you know what, We'll do
• 10:31
  the whole, the whole, fucking the big stuff first and then we'll we'll
• 10:35
  come back. So those are your two meats for now. I like that,
• 10:41
  Tom, those are your two meets for now. Well, look at
• 10:46
  it's it's completely up to you, but there will be there will be an
• 10:48
  addition or two in little parts throughout. More animals will die for this.
• 10:52
  You can definitely like why had venison last Christmas? Do you know what I
• 10:56
  mean? So? Was that here? Expect So look, keep the pens
• 11:05
  going. I'm not gonna you forget this as a comedy pipe, I know,
• 11:09
  I'm not gonna slow you down too much. Potatos mars pipers. Don't
• 11:11
  fuck around, because I got you gotta. You're gonna be doing these in
• 11:13
  two forms. You're gonna be doing now. You can do your death and
• 11:16
  wall. You can do whatever you want. But I'm gonna throw the shoon
• 11:18
  too. Here. We're gonna have a combo of two. We're gonna have
• 11:20
  roast and we're gonna have mash. You can get two different types of PUDs.
• 11:26
  You can get pinks for fucking or for for mashing. I don't mind,
• 11:28
  but I would just get the one bag of Mars pipers. They make
• 11:31
  the best fucking roasties. Right onions, I'm assuming you have nothing in the
• 11:37
  house. Right. This is the assumption that there's nothing in the house,
• 11:39
  right, same as the house built is a green field. Right, there's
• 11:43
  nothing in the house. Bread crumbs, Buy your bag of bread crumbs.
• 11:48
  Butter, rail butter. Not that fucking stuff, fish leathering across the piece
• 11:52
  of bread rail, fucking salty butter. Oh jesus, no fucking hell,
• 11:56
  no, Now again, these are argument all these vegges and everything else,
• 12:01
  fucking do you right? This is just I'm going traditional here. Cauliflower,
• 12:05
  broccoli, carrots, parson have turned up you know where they all are in
• 12:09
  the shop. Go fucking get them. This is one I see turning up
• 12:11
  a lot, and it's turned up in the folks place a few times.
• 12:13
  And I'm not the biggest fan, but I've seen it as a Christmas thing.
• 12:16
  Red cabbage you'll have like you you know what I mean, I will
• 12:20
  like you know. I'm still I'm not gonna eat green cabbage. Tom So,
• 12:24
  okay, well we'll look, we'll leave it off, I said,
• 12:26
  I throwing in there if people really like you did? I notice you didn't
• 12:28
  add sprouts in there. Lad, hold your horse. We haven't gotten there
• 12:31
  yet. We haven't got right next to it sprouts, sprouts, and there'll
• 12:37
  be tips, tips and what not throughout this right So, Jared goose Fat,
• 12:43
  don't forget it. It's easy to walk past. Jared fucking goose Fat.
• 12:48
  Don't don't fuck around here. You gotta get goose fat, jar of
• 12:52
  goose fat, Jared goose Fat, you won't use you came in hard there
• 12:56
  and tell me, went Jared goose Fat? Yeah, here is Jared goose
• 13:00
  Fat. Jared Doom. He's no, he's a Jewish jeweler over in the
• 13:07
  Upper east Side, a goose You're gonna need sage and parsley fresh parsonally if
• 13:16
  you can get your hands in fresh it just it kicks it up a fucking
• 13:18
  gear. Don't worry about the sage. That stuff will be fucking That stuff
• 13:22
  has it casts fucking evil spirits out of houses. It will fucking last in
• 13:26
  the jar. It's fine parsley. Doesn't you may have be throwing fucking silent
• 13:28
  dry silad a it. Don't believe the hype. Don't believe the hype and
• 13:33
  dried parsley. It's a fucking waste of your money. Get the fucking real
• 13:35
  thing, or don't get it at all. So obviously sprouts, you're gonna
• 13:41
  need a panchetta or rasher, whichever you want. This is the additional meat
• 13:46
  to go alongside the sprouts. Just so you know, more pig yes,
• 13:50
  please, you're gonna need listen to this now. You won't have many people
• 13:56
  have this. Now, A lot of people may have flower. Get a
• 13:58
  bag of flowery regular regular flower. And here's the thing. Here's the thing
• 14:03
  to get. You won't get an aldier little which you'll find it in the
• 14:05
  other shops, is gravy browning. You will thank me for this forever you'll
• 14:09
  have this browning, right, You'll thank me for this forever. It will
• 14:15
  change your life because you will start making all your own gravies and sauces and
• 14:18
  everything. And you go, why you don't even ever made it before,
• 14:20
  and it was disgusting because we're so pay looking. Guess what gravy browning does.
• 14:24
  It makes it exactly what you hoped. Gravy will be like, yeah,
• 14:28
  that's all it is. That's all it is. So the simple things
• 14:31
  too. You're gonna need fresh cranberries. Do yourself a favor, right,
• 14:37
  because you cannot have turkey without crank because turkey can be boring on piss,
• 14:41
  do you know what I mean? It can be boring out shite, right,
• 14:45
  But bring on the cranberries and you can get the fucking jar if you
• 14:48
  want. But look, this just adds, just adds, a little fucking
• 14:52
  juno sequa. You're gonna need the back of oranges. And you're gonna need
• 14:58
  sugar, right, this is a color sugar because I need sugar for a
• 15:01
  thing coming up here. White sugar, white sugar, brown sugars for fucking
• 15:03
  barbecue sauce. White sugars. For now, you don't worry about getting gem
• 15:07
  sugar like that, Just get sugar. Just get table sugar, just table
• 15:11
  sugar. Right along with that, you're gonna need clothes and marmalade. Right,
• 15:18
  you've got clothes and marmalade. Can of cider. If you're feeling bowled,
• 15:22
  not for drinking. You'll hear why in a minute, right, okay,
• 15:26
  can of cider. Also, you're gonna need loads of fucking tinfoil,
• 15:30
  loads of fucking tinfoil, big old turkey dish. You see those ones that
• 15:33
  disposed ones, grab that and if you have any other dishes, borrow from
• 15:37
  around the house from Look at what's fucking out a head all that ship I
• 15:39
  just named more or less all that needs to go on the dish of some
• 15:41
  sort. Don't be caught out. Don't be if that's a fucking one of
• 15:45
  the standing, don't be standing there with fucking boiling sprout in your bare hands.
• 15:50
  This is literally, this is literally. It is that people. You're
• 15:54
  gonna know, what a fuck? Where's fuck? Fuck? Fuck? Have
• 15:58
  have all your ship ready. If you're putting on a show, you have
• 16:00
  to put on a show. This might be your only show of the year.
• 16:03
  You've got to put on a show, So make sure people might never
• 16:06
  come back. Yeah, you know what I mean. You don't want him
• 16:11
  going lovely? Yeah you know what I mean. If you're putting on a
• 16:15
  show, this is how you put on a fucking show. Make sure you're
• 16:18
  well equipped. Things like a wire whisk, do you know what I mean?
• 16:21
  Always have one of them in the house. Don't be doesn't have one,
• 16:23
  but you would be amazed they go rooting for it. And don't get
• 16:27
  the plastic ones. Those things chip up in the fucking in the watch mc
• 16:30
  collors. They just a fucking disaster. A stainless steel whisk. Give ten
• 16:33
  quid for it, do you know what I mean? Don't give it an
• 16:36
  under ten quid first, because I guarantee that motherfucker will break up. You
• 16:40
  know what I mean? These little things like if don't give under ten quid
• 16:44
  for any fucking thing you gotta shopping with? Said it? Fucking clippers,
• 16:47
  you know the little tongue yolks. Don't be buying the ones fucking in your
• 16:52
  shop. Don't be buying the ones you you know what I mean? Little
• 16:55
  thing is that? Is? That? Is that your shopping that's my shopping
• 16:57
  list? Now thereat would you think it's is there anything that you like that
• 17:02
  would typically be different to that, that would be honest? Can you think
• 17:03
  that that would give me a traditional Christmas dinner? What I would expect to
• 17:07
  have for Christmas dinner? When I sit down, I would want turkey and
• 17:11
  ham. It sounds like with the bread comes you have the makings and stuff,
• 17:14
  and in there you've got gravy coming to me and you've got my choice
• 17:17
  of edge whether I decide to have sprouts or not. Spoiler a lot,
• 17:19
  spoilerler, I will not want them, but I will get me turn up
• 17:22
  and my cart's so it sounds like that's good. But for the spuds,
• 17:26
  yeah, roasties, Okay, goose fat roasties. I think we're coming along
• 17:29
  all right here now, Tom, Yeah yeah yeah, yeah, well good,
• 17:32
  good good. But before you get into cooking that, Tom, I'm
• 17:34
  going to help set the scene at this Christmas dinner to please you can take
• 17:38
  a little sojourn away from me there before we start into the cooking, We're
• 17:41
  going to have a three coarse musical feast as well. Though, Jesus lovely
• 17:47
  yes, ded se Like you don't just put Spotify on random when you bring
• 17:52
  people around your house or when you have people come into your house, whatever
• 17:55
  it is, you want to have an ideal part of the atmosphere. And
• 17:57
  I've had to think about this time and I've broken it down into when it
• 18:00
  comes to Christmas music in your house or wherever the fuck it is you are,
• 18:07
  you wanted to build to a purpose. Yes, same, you're putting
• 18:10
  on a show. You're putting on a show. Don't let yourself down.
• 18:12
  Dress well for the occasion, fucking have the house looking right, and put
• 18:15
  most importantly, have the fucking vibe gone. Have the vibe going. Now.
• 18:19
  A lot of the people would say, let's have a nice, relaxing
• 18:22
  Christmas five, but I feel that your night will go better if you spread
• 18:29
  seeds of descent through it. Oh Jesus, See this is a bit of
• 18:32
  drama, Like this is like going to the opera. See, but it
• 18:33
  is okay. So like you know, if you give somebody something lovely up
• 18:38
  front, they won't appreciate it through it and it'll become wallpaper and background.
• 18:41
  I so what you want to do when people arrive first to your house or
• 18:45
  you land in someone's house and the coats are being handed off and there's like,
• 18:49
  you know, how's the kids all this kind of shit going on before
• 18:52
  you sit down to dinner. You want to have a background soundbed going,
• 18:56
  and I've selected some songs for that. Would you like to hear them?
• 19:00
  I'd love to hear Yeah. Absolutely. You want to come out to gate
• 19:03
  Tom with Grandma got run over by a reindeer by patting. I'm more annoying
• 19:07
  fucking Christmas song I've never heard all right, but you want that so when
• 19:12
  people come in like they're not like, oh, well this is shit,
• 19:15
  It's just like, well, that's a shit song. I don't like it,
• 19:17
  but I'm sure there's better ones coming. No, next up, I
• 19:19
  want a hippopotamus for Christmas time. These are county songs. I like courty
• 19:26
  songs. I'm sorry, And then you want to hit them with All I
• 19:30
  want for Christmas is my two front teeth. And you want that Christmas shoes
• 19:33
  song with the kid going around buying shoes freeze math. Let's go to see
• 19:36
  Jesus later on in the day. A right, like you want to create
• 19:41
  a weird vibe in the room where people are like, I'm not quite sure
• 19:45
  if I'm enjoying this, but I'm going to sit down and have my dinner
• 19:49
  now, and I'm sure all but there's just something about this whole night.
• 19:52
  There's just something about all of this. When I'm sitting here with a glass
• 19:56
  of seven up in my hand, listening to the Frog Chorus by Paul McCartney,
• 20:00
  there's just something not quite right here. This is just it's Christmas,
• 20:04
  but I don't know. It's just perfect. This is perfect because it's making
• 20:08
  my meal even taste better because you're fucking up the rest of their senses.
• 20:11
  You're fucking up their senses. Get into the meal there, Tom and I'll
• 20:15
  be back in a little while and give you the next course of music.
• 20:18
  So right now you've got people standing around getting more and more annoyed. What
• 20:23
  pre that? Because there's food pre that. If you're gonna do yourself a
• 20:27
  favorite rather than getting up at fucking five am, I would. So you
• 20:32
  got your ham, I'd boil that the night before, and the boiling instructions
• 20:34
  are literally written on the side of it. I'm not gonna tell you because
• 20:37
  it's as pretty exact weight of that. So don't begetting like people go for
• 20:41
  the smoked ham and stuff. I like to do my own thing to it
• 20:45
  because sometimes they can oversmoke the fucker and stuff like that. So which poisoned
• 20:48
  me? One year? I got a butcher to do it and it was
• 20:51
  just fucking poisoned, non smoked, salted f right, get it done the
• 20:56
  night before. This is where you say, you say boiled time. You
• 21:00
  put it in the pot and you buy it, you buil it, you
• 21:02
  boil it, you boil it. It allows you to peel off because what
• 21:03
  some people fuck up? They don't realize that, yes, there's the fat
• 21:07
  on the back that you're going to be treating in a while, but they
• 21:10
  don't realize there's a fucking skin to be taken off. First look at your
• 21:14
  arm, their skin there before you see the jubby bit. So you gotta
• 21:17
  peel that stuff off. Sounds a bit core, you know, sounds a
• 21:19
  big callous, but you gotta do it or else your people, your your
• 21:22
  patrons are gonna be fucking looking for all their teeth, do you know what
• 21:26
  I mean? Unless youve got a bunch of cor people in there who used
• 21:27
  to eat the spice beef. Yeah, you're gonna be chewing through that.
• 21:32
  This is lovely. What's the what's the topping skin? I forgot to do
• 21:37
  so you boil it, skin it, leave it off. You can just
• 21:41
  cover it. This is the point where you can choose the flavor the water.
• 21:45
  At this stage, you can flavor the water with a can of cider,
• 21:47
  or you can boil the whole thing. It's either I've done that before,
• 21:49
  a couple of cans of deciders, just enough to cover it, and
• 21:52
  you put it in cold. You bring it. Don't be tempted. Only
• 21:56
  here's a little tip. People have often asked me, is it can I
• 21:59
  buy the water? Never boil the water when there's cold meat going in cold
• 22:03
  water, cold meat, hot as fuck. If it's vegetables, people,
• 22:07
  this is a thing for life, right, I've I honestly, this is
• 22:11
  burnt in my brain. I literally text the il one this same textil meat.
• 22:17
  Yeah, do what you fucking want when it comes to vegetables, right,
• 22:19
  I would go. I'd go hot for vegetables, fucking in there,
• 22:22
  get them going. But cold water, cold meat, the so get that
• 22:26
  done the night before. Same with the prep of your vege, you know
• 22:29
  what I mean. Same with the prep of your fucking vege. They get
• 22:33
  all your carrots. It's your carrots, exactly, have enough fucking pots for
• 22:38
  them. All slash. If you're putting your carrots and parsips together, cool,
• 22:42
  I would do that. That's what I like to do anyway, put
• 22:45
  them all together, cover them with water, put the lid back on.
• 22:48
  It's not gonna happen. Same with your taties. You're gonna be doing mashed
• 22:52
  ones and chop them up as bigger as small as you fucking want. For
• 22:55
  your roasties, I'd only peel them and cut them in half once. You
• 22:59
  know, unless you got some garganguine fucking ahead of a spud that just looks
• 23:03
  ridiculous, you're like, okay, who put this in the bag? This
• 23:06
  is this is meant to be in a museum somewhere, you know, those
• 23:08
  fucking ones. Yeah, the spud that looks like what fucking Indiana Jones was
• 23:14
  rescuing in Temple a game. Well literally a bag of sand would be the
• 23:18
  same way as just exactly yeah, yeah, yeah. So get get your
• 23:23
  veggies done. And I know people talk about they go, ah, what
• 23:26
  about this? So the lights of the broccoli, the cauliflower, little trees,
• 23:30
  make little trees. They're not going to see much boil. And I
• 23:32
  can tell you that much. Unless you like the shit boiled out of your
• 23:34
  fucking vegetables. I'm telling you right now, the best fucking thing to do
• 23:37
  with a cauliflower or a well in this particular instance, they're going to be
• 23:42
  going to see forman as a boiled water the next day anyway, right,
• 23:45
  That's all they're going to see. As far as your sprouts go. Here's
• 23:49
  the thing. Here's a tip for the sprouts. They go cut across in
• 23:52
  the bottom, never fucking cut across in the bottom. You can take off
• 23:56
  the scabby leaves on the outside. You can trim the bottom and if you
• 23:59
  like, but w't be cutting no fucking crosses into the bottom because they burst
• 24:02
  wide fucking open and all that sour fucking flavor seems to come out of them,
• 24:06
  which will be. It sounds like you're speaking from bitter experience here,
• 24:07
  Oh bitter, bitter. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the
• 24:11
  fuck is this? But you've got a month through it, you know what
• 24:14
  I mean? You know what I mean. You're not making a place where
• 24:15
  you can go, what the fuck is the Sometimes you just add Sometimes you
• 24:21
  just have to fucking soak it up and go, Yeah, lovely sprides there,
• 24:26
  look, lovely spreads bail them, bail a little fucking scabby leaves off,
• 24:32
  take the arse off them, you know, the rooty bit. Fuck
• 24:33
  them in a pot of water. So you've got a load of the lads
• 24:37
  ready to go. You got your fucking ham is good. When you get
• 24:38
  up in the morning, place probably smells a little sidery. Never bad,
• 24:42
  never bad. That's never bad. Now, so your vege already. Yes,
• 24:48
  I'll explain you can do this during the week with the cranberryes. I
• 24:51
  would do this during the week just to get it out of the wage.
• 24:52
  You remember I was telling you take one cup. Now. By that,
• 24:56
  I don't mean go get your fucking the big mog out of the oak.
• 24:59
  You know what cup is. Everybody knows they have a cup. You get,
• 25:03
  you get the cup measurements. You get one cup of that, one
• 25:04
  cup of sugar, one cup of orange. I said, oranges, but
• 25:07
  we will need oranges. Orange juice is gonna be needed here, orange juice,
• 25:11
  sugar, cup of each, and a fucking rake of fucking cranberry.
• 25:15
  It's many, you know, fucking the bag. Fill the bag, boil
• 25:19
  them until the lads pop and it starts to get a bit fucking bloopy.
• 25:23
  Right, Yeah, that's that's it. Clean jars, Clean jars, and
• 25:27
  how you clean the jars if you wash them out as best you can,
• 25:32
  and if you want to sterilize the jars, which do you know, if
• 25:33
  you want to keep this ship for fucking maybe you're making a rake and I
• 25:36
  love cranberry. This will make it great fucking for the remainder of the year.
• 25:38
  How you sterilize the jar jar? It isn't with just boiling what You
• 25:41
  gotta put them in the oven for half an hour two hundred degrees really,
• 25:45
  yeah, lids off. It's not how they make like class bottles for smashing
• 25:48
  over James Bond's head in the movies. See, I know they make them
• 25:51
  out of sugar. They're actually made out of sugar. But yeah, that's
• 25:55
  so, that's like that will be a little fucking that's a little. That's
• 25:59
  a little that will pick you up the fucking line. If you're trying to
• 26:00
  impress an in law, you're just trying to get one over. Let's be
• 26:03
  honest. You're only doing this to show off anyway, Yeah, you're only
• 26:07
  doing this to show off. You would have sidesteped this if you've agreed to
• 26:10
  this whole thing. You're either under duress and you may as well get it
• 26:11
  done right. But if you want to show the option of feeding these people
• 26:17
  pot noodles, tom is there, of course it is, of course.
• 26:21
  But if you've come with us this fucking fire and gone fuck does guys,
• 26:25
  if you're coming this far, you may as well be put Let me say
• 26:27
  that you may have put on the show. Jerry has the fuck. Jerry
• 26:30
  has the music fucking going since early morning, sitting out in the sitting room
• 26:34
  like like getting more vexed by the second. God this cod if he puts
• 26:40
  on another one of these, But it's Uncle Jerry whose Christmas jumper is actually
• 26:42
  a pullover and he's not wearing anything underneath it. I fucking hear that,
• 26:47
  Peter Kay song. Oh my god, Oh my god. So now we're
• 26:52
  up to speed. We have our cranberry cranberry sauce done in the jars since
• 26:56
  early during the week for the crack. We have all our edge prepped,
• 27:00
  all of our vege prepped, and our ham is already boiled. So now
• 27:04
  what do we do We get to the Turkey? Now, I talked about
• 27:07
  putting on a show, right, talked about putting on a show, Jerry
• 27:10
  and I talked about kicking it up a level where people go, fuck this
• 27:14
  fellow knows what he fucking hell, I trust him with leaving, you know,
• 27:17
  I trust him, trust him with a few pound if I had the
• 27:18
  store in his bank account. And this is why, this is why,
• 27:22
  Because you're going to take the turkey, You're gonna take it up a level.
• 27:26
  Everybody's head fucking turkey the all thing. They know what good turkey is.
• 27:29
  But turkey as a rule is as dry as fucking you know, Aim
• 27:34
  and Ryan the fucking Green, Green, Green Party minister. Let's be honest.
• 27:37
  It's a dry board. It's a dry board. How do we counteract
• 27:41
  a dry board? Ah? You get her fucking wet. That's and the
• 27:52
  best way to do that. We got butter. I didn't tell you how
• 27:55
  much butter to get gets of butter? Right, you can get two pounds
• 27:57
  of butter. Right, if you're going on your shop, let's get two
• 28:00
  pounds of butter, because we'll be using that throughout this but with the spuds
• 28:03
  and everything else, and and and the stuff. And you're gonna get that
• 28:07
  butter in the bowl. You're gonna zest in two oranges. So let's go
• 28:11
  for a half pounds of butter. Two oranges. You put a little bit
• 28:15
  of salt and pepper if you want, I wouldn't bother me. Whole just
• 28:17
  zested in, which is the greater yolk. You'll get him for about four
• 28:21
  quid dons or fucking tesco. The zester yoke, the little greatery thing zested
• 28:26
  into the butter mash the fuck out, you mays it. This is the
• 28:27
  time to get the hands in. You've got the turkey out now, it's
• 28:30
  looking at you. It's defrosted and all since you left it out the night
• 28:34
  before and covered it so the cat didn't go up and lick every fucking bit
• 28:37
  of it. It's defrosted. You go to the you spin him round,
• 28:41
  You go to the fucking you go to the boot. You go to the
• 28:45
  boot with the trunk of this guy. And it's very easy. You're gonna
• 28:49
  peel up the skin because you want to get between the skin and the fucking
• 28:52
  the meat, because unlike the fucking the lovely Ham, this motherfucker has fucking
• 28:57
  no fat between the skin and his meat. He's lean your career, Yeah,
• 29:03
  he's fucking David Goggin says gun right. So basically, you need to
• 29:07
  replace. You need to you need to get some fucking obesity into this focking
• 29:10
  turkey. Posthumous obesity exactly, posthumous obesity. What a fucking yes, there
• 29:21
  you go, posthumus obesity. You've got to get some fat into this bird.
• 29:25
  Right. So it's a simple, It is very very simple. Just
• 29:27
  don't be fuck acting with it. Don't be going, oh maybe I'll peel
• 29:30
  up this. Just get your fucking paws in there. Yeah, rip,
• 29:33
  rip up the back end Now'll be careful, right to degree, be careful.
• 29:36
  You ain't going like this isn't some fucking s and M fucking German sex
• 29:38
  club. You are just getting the fucking skin to lift off, you know
• 29:42
  what I mean? Sometimes you know when you an old sofa, like when
• 29:45
  a fucking somebody fucking like a coin or something. You guys, not fucking
• 29:49
  it's some underneath there, and you don't want to bust the whole thing open,
• 29:52
  but you get in there nice and handy, like a split in the
• 29:55
  same thing, you just want to lift it all the way back up along
• 29:59
  to the top of the best. Guess when you're when you're sitting like watching
• 30:02
  tally with your with with your loved one, and they go you in the
• 30:06
  MEI favor scratch me back there? Would you like, what do they do?
• 30:08
  Do they slide the hand up and scratch your back? Or do they
• 30:12
  rip your fucking clothes off? There you go? It depends on it.
• 30:15
  It depends on how you ask. I suppose really, isn't it you know
• 30:18
  a lot of things now, assuming assuming you only have a fucking itchy back
• 30:22
  and you just yeah, you just want to know, I'll rip up there
• 30:26
  exactly time. If ever there was an argument for like, you know,
• 30:30
  monogamous relationships, it would be you know, scratching scratchy back. He's would
• 30:33
  be well up there, you know what I mean. It's one of the
• 30:37
  Yeah, it's one of the shining lights of actually marriage, to be honest.
• 30:38
  It's like there's no question to be asked. It's like, yeah,
• 30:42
  Merry Christmas to all our single listeners, But who fucking scratches your back?
• 30:45
  Like you just look, you look like a fucking grizzly by yourself, just
• 30:49
  rubbing yourself off fucking walls. That's what I'm just going to say. Like,
• 30:52
  you know, ten years post eight nine years single and pretty much I
• 30:56
  had. There wasn't a fucking there wasn't a lick paint on any corner of
• 31:00
  emny building that of that because I just rubbed my back off the fucking thing
• 31:03
  like a grizzly just coming out after the fucking the winter fucking sleep. I
• 31:07
  won't go back Tom purely based on that. No hope of divorce, no
• 31:14
  hope, purely because she's really good to scratch my back. So you listen,
• 31:18
  you gotta get that butter, that zesty fucking butter. It smells unfucking
• 31:21
  believable by the way you're you're smelling things. Now you're going old cross.
• 31:25
  Now. We will revert to Jerry in a minute once we get this job
• 31:27
  done, because I want to know what keeps the fucking what keeps me taking
• 31:30
  throughout the day. You know what I mean. It's ten o'clock and it's
• 31:33
  nine o'clock in the morning. You got this fucking so you you just want
• 31:37
  to put us a fucking scheme of butter under his under his horse skin all
• 31:44
  the way to the top. You won't really get it under the legs.
• 31:45
  You won if you can get under any skin. You won't, but you
• 31:48
  will. You can put the remainder of it. Use a spoon, use
• 31:51
  her hand, whatever the fuck. Slather that thing over right, just to
• 31:55
  give it a bit of fucking a bit of genisiqua. You can do it.
• 31:57
  But realistically, it is the breast is where everybody's looking for the good
• 32:00
  stuff, and this sweetness this will protect it. It makes the skin super
• 32:06
  fucking crunchy nice. It just takes it to another level. And the orange.
• 32:08
  I don't know what the orange does, but fuck it works, you
• 32:12
  know what I mean. Citrus works with this fucking thing and a learning podcast,
• 32:15
  guys, it just works. It works at this point, at this
• 32:19
  point because this motherfucker is going to take as long as so it goes like
• 32:22
  this, it go. I wrote it down because I actually I fucking so.
• 32:28
  It's twenty minutes per pound, twenty minutes per pound plus twenty minutes.
• 32:34
  Okay, so if it's a fucking ten pound turkey, it's two hundred and
• 32:38
  twenty minutes minutes, which is just shy of four hours. Yeah, yeah
• 32:44
  it is. And that's that. Well, you got it. You gotta
• 32:46
  get all the way in there now. I know you were thinking about stuff
• 32:49
  and and stuff like that. I ain't doing any of that shit. I
• 32:52
  ain't doing any of that shit. Fuck that fucking pacso of stuff can go
• 32:54
  take itself to whatever fucking war torn country fucking came up with it, and
• 33:00
  send it all and put it in a fucking rocket launcher and shoot it everything
• 33:02
  every bit of pack soder has ever been fucking created. Put it into a
• 33:07
  rocket launcher and shoot it in over the sea and salute it as it fucking
• 33:09
  heads off, because I never ever one heats. You. Take the orange
• 33:13
  that you just fucking you just fucking sazzled and took the skin off. Cut
• 33:16
  that cut that fucker and quarters and ram it into your bird. Remed in
• 33:20
  that it's never gonna be a bad thing. One hundred and seventy five degrees.
• 33:23
  Cover and tinfoil just lightly. Don't fucking wrap the thing up like you're
• 33:27
  taking it on a fucking backpacking So this thing hasn't done a marathon and has
• 33:30
  collaps. Yeah, exactly, It's just it needs a fucking fireman's arm over
• 33:35
  it's with just a blanket over it. Bang it in you can put I
• 33:39
  would put a couple of onions in around bottom of it, maybe to just
• 33:42
  keep it up just a little bit regardless, they're gonna slide out, don't
• 33:45
  worry, They're to kind of flavor the gravy afterwards. Tru be told,
• 33:47
  Right, it's up to you. You can put some fucking vege in there
• 33:51
  and stuff. Realistically, that gravy's gonna taste like fucking turkey, turkey and
• 33:54
  fucking butter, you know what I mean? This is where I fall down.
• 33:59
  Tom here cook and you see, I can't understand why you would cook
• 34:01
  a thing at two twenty for two hours when you could cook it at three
• 34:05
  hundred for one Like, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, Like, just
• 34:09
  put it up to as high as the oven will go and cook this thing
• 34:15
  quicker? Am I wrong? Okay? Let's go automotive here. So you
• 34:21
  have a nineteen ninety six Corolla, great car. It theoretically has one hundred
• 34:25
  and fucking sixty miles an hour on the clock. It can do one hundred
• 34:30
  and ten miles an hour, but realistically it should not be allowed to go
• 34:34
  over fucking seventy miles an hour. You can ram that thing for all,
• 34:37
  it's fucking worked up through the gears and seeking you get it up pushing towards
• 34:42
  that. But you know, when you're up around the one ten, the
• 34:44
  steerwheel starts shaking a love as you're going a lug nut's coming off somewhere,
• 34:49
  you're gonna blow fucking something. We talked about the fucking box full of fucking
• 34:52
  neutrals. Wow, the shit is gonna start coming off that fucking thing like
• 34:57
  it's going back in fucking time with Martin McFly. I'm telling you now,
• 35:00
  there are certain things. Yeah, you're right, but there are certain things
• 35:02
  that are just gonna take a punch to the fucking face if you crank that
• 35:06
  power up all the way or really you want that punch to be slow and
• 35:09
  methodical and go all the way through the fucking body. Yeah, you just
• 35:15
  want to punch. You want to punch this fucking thing. You gotta piece
• 35:16
  this cunt up and take it over to twelve rounds, you know what I
• 35:19
  mean. Okay, you gotta win this on points. You can't go for
• 35:22
  the fucking knockout. Fucking Jesus Christ. You're like you chop it into bits
• 35:28
  and fucking in the microwave. If you're gonna do that, okay, I'm
• 35:30
  told Yeah, listen, it's there is a science behind it that the meat
• 35:34
  needs. If the proteins need to break down over a certain length of time.
• 35:37
  You crank the fucking power on, you're gonna get lovely, crispy skin.
• 35:40
  But if you like, if you like pink fucking pink turkey, then
• 35:45
  you're in for a treat, Jerry. But so the big bird's in.
• 35:50
  Now we stand back, We can wash the hands, and it's like the
• 35:52
  stresses off. You can buy the turkey popper fucking thermometer things. Never bought
• 35:58
  one. Don't really know how they work. They're like a little thing deep
• 36:00
  if you imagine them, Yes, yeah, they're exactly. They're like a
• 36:05
  little tit that pop when the time is right. Look, I'm a motherfucker.
• 36:08
  I bought myself. I'm gonna show you here, Jerry. I bought
• 36:14
  this a long time ago. Well I got this is it. You can
• 36:15
  see that Thomas showing me what looks like a dildo. It's actually, ess
• 36:22
  actually I cleaned it. It's so it's a meter it literally, And as
• 36:27
  Gordo said, you've gotta be some fucking piece of kit. Either some piece
• 36:30
  of kit or it's a piece of shit. If you're gonna call it and
• 36:34
  meet like, you're gonna be so on the nose as to call it thing
• 36:36
  a meter. It's fucking class. It leaks to your phone, it tells
• 36:38
  you exactly what it'll it'll walk you through it, right. But a meat
• 36:43
  thermometer again five point fifty. In any fucking place you'll get one. They're
• 36:47
  all over the shop. You'll be You'll have it forever. You'll be so
• 36:51
  glad you did because you fucking nail it every time. It Literally the little
• 36:53
  clock on it, the little dial on it will go turkey. There it
• 36:57
  is. They can you know you listen to Jamie Olivers. I'll just white
• 37:00
  the fucking the juice is run clear. Huh should be in and out of
• 37:05
  the overnall fucking night, if that's the case. And and what's clear,
• 37:08
  like I really with a kidney infection at the minute. And you have to
• 37:12
  kind of watch them we and you're like, I guess that's clear. I
• 37:14
  suppose you like it's it's dumbest you know what you want me to do here?
• 37:20
  I don't suggest sticking a fucking meat thermometer anhim either, But at the
• 37:22
  same time, I get you. I get you, But he's hard to
• 37:24
  gauge. Basically, you can and and the great thing you can take him
• 37:29
  in and take him out. But I I'm a cheeky I'm I'm a lazy
• 37:31
  fucker. These things, if they can't stand up to the fucking heat,
• 37:34
  get out of the kitchen. It's only one hundred and seventy five degrees.
• 37:37
  I leave the thing stuck in the breast of the fucking turkey. I go
• 37:40
  straight through the tin foil the whole lot and I and the fucking thing is
• 37:44
  looking out the wind of the overn at me. It's looking out the fucking
• 37:46
  wind of the over at me. Yeah, quick one. If anybody's kind
• 37:51
  of going, yeah, but I can't see through my oven fucking door because
• 37:53
  it's filthy and I can't be clean that fucking thing. I learned something,
• 37:58
  Jerry the almost turned my fucking in inside out not three weeks ago. Sure
• 38:02
  about how to pull the door off? Have you seen that? No one,
• 38:07
  every oven in the world. You can clip the door off in a
• 38:10
  fucking like the time it would take you to fucking tie your belt. There's
• 38:15
  nothing to it. You just pull up the two little fucking actuators, the
• 38:20
  two little fucking bars right hand on to the door, and just young up
• 38:23
  she comes. You justin have never tried it. You take you go out
• 38:27
  to the backyard, you get your fucking your brush or your fucking scouring pad
• 38:30
  on whatever silver bang you want, clean and thirty seconds and take it back
• 38:35
  in try it off. It's I swear my life, no newspapers around,
• 38:38
  no fucking foamy spray ship. Just click click, click click, and she's
• 38:43
  a walk out the fucking door. And so do that in fucking November,
• 38:45
  or do it right now. If you're listening to this, If you're listening
• 38:49
  to this, when is this podcast to my Monday? Yeah, no time,
• 38:52
  time, time, time time. Just make sure it's key. It's
• 38:54
  it's just water. You're using it at the very end, you don't put
• 38:58
  it. Yeah, she would sell it bang flavor of fucking zest off everything.
• 39:02
  But if you don't know what, if you're going, ah, what
• 39:05
  the fuck? You didn't explain that properly. It's an audio podcast. I
• 39:07
  can do no more for you other than go to TikTok or fucking YouTube and
• 39:10
  literally say what I just said. Type in what I just said how to
• 39:14
  take off of a door. You'll feel like what the fuck do you know?
• 39:17
  When you discover one of them things, you're like, what there's a
• 39:21
  great guy. He literally sees the videos and it cuts back to him.
• 39:23
  He's like, what, no way, and he literally goes and does the
• 39:28
  thing in two He's, for fuck's sake, how did I know? How
• 39:30
  did I get through life not knowing that? So turkey in meat tramometer looking
• 39:36
  at you, you're probably going to be in there for the ten pound turkey
• 39:38
  may not be, might be a seven pound, but there that's dems are
• 39:40
  the rules. Twenty minutes per pound lost, twenty minutes after plus plus plus
• 39:49
  twenty minutes regardless, plus twenty minutes regardless. Jerry a fucking gasman. It's
• 39:53
  ten o'clock in the morning. It's socially acceptable for me to have a tiple
• 39:57
  What should I be drinking? Keep in mind, I'm going to be I'm
• 40:00
  gonna be going till at least I fall over at about nine o'clock. Well,
• 40:05
  tom uh. Anybody can crack open a case of beer start pounding in
• 40:10
  themselves on any given moment in the day. Okay, but you want to
• 40:14
  do something, specially when you've got people coming around, don't you know We've
• 40:17
  said this it's a show, yeah many times. So where's what we're gonna
• 40:23
  make for our guests. We're gonna make egg nog. Fuck me, yeah,
• 40:30
  have you ever had it? Only out of it a carton? And
• 40:34
  it was it wasn't the may West. I'll be honest with you. What
• 40:37
  do you see? The thing with eggnog is tom Like, do you know
• 40:40
  what gets me on? It is the egg of it. That's what's truggling
• 40:45
  to me. I just imagine fucking Rocky back in the day, Like I
• 40:47
  went through a period of of fucking proteins and stuff when I was doing playing
• 40:52
  rugby, and eggs was a thing to fucking have row. I'm like,
• 40:54
  why did they lose their protein somewhere? I don't know, but it's never
• 41:00
  I love an egg, but there's no egg. There's no egg that I
• 41:04
  won't eat. I love potatoes, but they have just they've just brought out
• 41:07
  potato milk. I will not be fucking drinking that, you be all right?
• 41:10
  So I gave pause with that and I was like, fuck it now
• 41:15
  if it has it, but it doesn't really have. And also like those
• 41:17
  little gray area like is it alcoholic? Is it not alcoholic? The stuff
• 41:22
  you buy in the cart and is not alcoholic? Do you add alcoholics.
• 41:23
  What the fuck am I drinking here? Tom? All right, so here's
• 41:25
  what we're gonna do. Okay, this is it. It's real simple.
• 41:30
  You only need five things, right, couldn't be simple. You need sugar,
• 41:34
  Okay, this is why I asked you about the sugar earlier. Is
• 41:37
  a table sugar or what do you get? Now? If you said it
• 41:38
  was table sugar, you haven't, Tom, Well, then what you also
• 41:42
  want to get is cast or sugar. All right? Okay, right,
• 41:45
  yeah, okay, you know an actual fact, when you're in the shop
• 41:47
  and you see sugar in front, you get a table sugar, a cast
• 41:51
  or sugar, and buy an ice and sugar as well. I'm sure you'll
• 41:52
  find a home for it. I don't think we have a home for it.
• 41:54
  Fire, But it's three things of sugar. Yeah, you're not going
• 41:58
  to be like, oh, you got the wrong sugar. Hit the fucking
• 42:00
  three of them. Right, So we want cast or sugar. We want
• 42:04
  eggs, right, five eggs per bloke per day? Right? You want
• 42:07
  like flavoring of some sorts. What do you mean? Well, like you
• 42:14
  know you want an essence, Okay, so you get the little bottles like
• 42:16
  vanilla sence. Then what exactly Okay, right, we'll go making custard.
• 42:22
  We're not that far off of Tom, right, Okay, we want vanilla
• 42:25
  essence. Okay, Now, if you want to eveit of cinnamon or clove
• 42:29
  or not megrant like that to get that as well. All right, you
• 42:30
  know you can sprinkle that on it at the end of it. Okay,
• 42:34
  right, you definitely need the vanilla essence, and you want condensed milk tom
• 42:38
  all right, yes, yes, yes, okay, right them so far
• 42:42
  right right, and you want to drink more than that in a second,
• 42:46
  okay, all right, So what you want to do right to make egg?
• 42:51
  Now right, you put the sugar, the cast of sugar that you
• 42:53
  have into water and boil it and similar until the summer the sugar's all dissolved,
• 42:59
  so you have like sugary water. You have got sugary water, right,
• 43:02
  much like in Men in Black two when Vincent Delifornio's character sugar water sugar
• 43:08
  water. Right, see yeah, yeah, yeah, buy that up,
• 43:10
  and like to me, I'm like cast of sugar, I guess dissolves in
• 43:14
  water. Good because yeah, I've seen this done with table sugar. So
• 43:15
  you got like syrupy sugar water. All right, you know what I mean,
• 43:19
  like, you know, yeah, not not boiled sugar water like you
• 43:22
  used to throw over prison wardens. Do you know what I mean? Like
• 43:24
  yes, yeah, by time, yeah, yeah, you know. So
• 43:28
  No, No, let's get ourselves out of the hole for this one here.
• 43:30
  Okay. We're not spending Christmas in the huskay, buddy, this is
• 43:32
  just nice sugary water, right. Okay. Now, of the eggs,
• 43:38
  you want to separate the yolks, Tom, So you got four egg yolks
• 43:42
  orever, how many the fuck it is for whatever you're making, all right,
• 43:45
  okay, and you don't whist them up. You don't do anything like
• 43:50
  that. You just add that into the sugary water, right, okay,
• 43:54
  for like four fucking egg yolks. Okay, yeah, actually you know what,
• 43:58
  Tom, No, I fucked it already. You don't do that.
• 44:00
  You do beat them. So you've been fucking drinking. I've had my on
• 44:04
  my notes. I've just written beat and like an exclamation mark, and I
• 44:07
  was like, all right, okay, and I'm reading that back, I'm
• 44:09
  like, what was I fucking told? Beat these? I don't beat these?
• 44:12
  Right? No, do beat them? Right? Okay, So throw
• 44:15
  it up with the vanilla essence into the four egg yolks and beat them and
• 44:17
  you're going to get kind of like merangue ship, you know, yes,
• 44:20
  all right, and then you want to pour in condels condensed milk on top
• 44:24
  of that. Yeah, you keep that all kind of going right, and
• 44:29
  then your your your your your, your syrup, your your sugar, and
• 44:31
  your water pour that into it, right, okay, and mix that up
• 44:37
  as well, Jerry, I tell you one thing, the fucking drink it
• 44:39
  want to be coming on quick now, because there's there's no saving gray celfar
• 44:43
  in this. No, that's it, Tom, that's it. That's you've
• 44:45
  made coustard. Well, no, we're there. We've made like I guess,
• 44:47
  so I guess we've made like a thin coustard. I suppose like we've
• 44:51
  made a thin vanilla flavored costard, which doesn't sound bad to me, to
• 44:57
  be honest with you, No, fair enough, like you know. And
• 45:00
  here's where you add the drink. Now, traditional recipes say throw drop a
• 45:05
  brandy into a tom. I can't drink brandy for reasons we've gone into in
• 45:07
  this podcast. Go back to my drunk ist. Ever, people, this
• 45:10
  is not this is explanatory down through the years. Yeah, whisky. Brandy
• 45:16
  is my trigger or drink. So I'm gonna throw whiskey into this. And
• 45:20
  you know, my house, my rules. So that's what we're drinking.
• 45:22
  Tom. We are drinking whiskey eggnog in here. If you want to make
• 45:24
  brandy in your house, you knock yourself out. I don't invite me around.
• 45:28
  I can't drink it. And that is it, Tom, that's your
• 45:30
  fucking eggnog. It's hot at this stage, so you want to let it
• 45:32
  sort of cool down a wee bit, Yeah, and serve it cold.
• 45:37
  Boom. You are drinking eggnog by the gallon, my good man. You're
• 45:42
  like, it's like it's like a custardy whiskey drink with You can throw a
• 45:47
  fucking sticking up meg in there if you want. You want to sprinkle cinnamon
• 45:51
  over the top of it, like you know, and do it after the
• 45:52
  fact like you do which are drink at the coffee shop or whatever where you
• 45:55
  get your drinking and you put in the cinnamon and the nutmeg ground at the
• 46:00
  end of it to give it spiciness and christminas Jerry, I'm gonna drink this
• 46:02
  straight out of the fucking joke. I'm not gonna lie. I'm fucking gasping
• 46:06
  in them under pressure. This is not getting any dressing after this. That's
• 46:08
  actually sounds all right. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't say it's
• 46:12
  like a refreshing drink because it is thick and soupy. Yeah, but it
• 46:15
  keeps me taking like I'm parching with the torst. I'm gonna drink this milky
• 46:21
  substance. Okay, all right, well, I'm happy enough to drink that,
• 46:25
  no like. But at the same time, Tom, I'm going to
• 46:28
  drink so much of this in the fucking day that if you stab me at
• 46:30
  the end, I'm gonna go like the fucking robot and alien. Yeah right,
• 46:38
  we have our is gonna be laying in a hip of admirer's pure.
• 46:45
  Our turkey is taken away nicely. This is the point where you're gonna have
• 46:47
  your hand back out right. Your ham is sitting there and solidifies nicely because
• 46:52
  the fat would have been quite gelatinous that before. You're like, how do
• 46:53
  I work with this? This is where you're gonna bring out the clothes and
• 46:58
  marmalade. This is a something that I have tried before. Right, bust
• 47:05
  out the good knife. None of that fucking don't be getting that root and
• 47:07
  that shit out of the drawer. If you want a kitchen, you should
• 47:10
  have a fucking good knife, right, But you don't have a good knife,
• 47:13
  Tell someone you love to buy you a good knie for Christmas. There
• 47:15
  you go, Victor Knox. There you'll have forever. I just mind it.
• 47:22
  You want to do the criss crosses right about the ways of the blade.
• 47:25
  That's how you know, right, it's about an inch about the way
• 47:28
  of the blade. I'm talking. If you have a carving fucking knife,
• 47:31
  here about the way to the blade. Slice diagonally, flip it over with
• 47:36
  of the blade. Do another one, Do another one, do another one,
• 47:38
  turn it round, go night to degrees. It looks the part where
• 47:42
  those crosses mix, where they meet, that's where you're gonna jam in the
• 47:45
  cloth. They've got a spiky end. Don't worry about. There's no such
• 47:49
  thing as fresh clothes or anything like that. Good should I get No,
• 47:51
  they have to be dried out there from fucking India or someplace. Jam one
• 47:53
  in each place. They added something I do I'm not sure A little bit
• 47:59
  of zest. I guess but you know, you know it. Yeah,
• 48:01
  basically, tell what you want to do is you want to do a hell
• 48:04
  raiser on your ham. Exactly, hell raiser on your hand. That's a
• 48:06
  great that's a great analogy. That's exactly what he looks like. The ham
• 48:12
  is gonna be sitting in this own little You can get another one of those.
• 48:14
  That's the dishes, you know, the disposable fucking ones that you're going
• 48:16
  to wash out afterwards and put into the recycling because you're getting messy here.
• 48:21
  Now, this is where the marmalade it's going to because cold, the hand
• 48:23
  is cold, marmally where's that going? That's going all over this bastard.
• 48:28
  That's what's gonna make this another fucking level up again. This is gone,
• 48:31
  oh, because it gets real crispy, turns the fat into real crunchy stuff,
• 48:37
  and just every slice is like you, motherfucker, you pull you,
• 48:39
  you pull the move on me here, right, son of a bitch.
• 48:44
  I just have a decent marmalade. Don't worry. Yeah, the skins and
• 48:46
  all in it. Fuck it, let it onto fuck right, get it
• 48:50
  all over it. Keeping an eye on your turkey. Half an hour towards
• 48:53
  the end that you see that needle coming up, You're like, oh,
• 48:55
  I reckon, there's about a half an hour in here, I e.
• 48:59
  Twenty minutes per te per pound. You haven't hit your fucking your finalized time
• 49:02
  with the plus twenty minutes, you're about ten minutes from that. Whip off
• 49:06
  the fucking foil because it's it's more or less cooked at this stage. Now
• 49:10
  now you want to get it fucking brown, right, you want to get
• 49:13
  it brown. You've been basting throughout this. I don't worry to and people
• 49:16
  go, should you be basing? You put enough butter under that bastard.
• 49:20
  She's self based. I guess it is like you know what I mean?
• 49:22
  You can go yeah, sure you can't through this period, maybe every ten
• 49:24
  minutes. Bust it open, long spoon, don't burn the fucking hand off
• 49:28
  yourself. Flick over a bit of fucking stuff. It crackles, the skin
• 49:31
  doesn't range anthing to the meat at this stage. Flick a bit of fat
• 49:35
  back over. It's really it's mostly butter trough. Be told it's going back
• 49:38
  over and that's you right, it's done. It's done. The turkey's done.
• 49:44
  Now. The French would argue, right when it comes to the likes
• 49:45
  of poultry or dense meat. You can leave it rest for as long as
• 49:49
  you've been cooking that fucker, I would argue. You don't need to leave
• 49:52
  that fucker sitting for four hours, right, you don't because you've been cooking
• 49:55
  for four hours. But minimum minimum minimum, I would suggest an hour,
• 50:00
  because this fucker is still breaking down. He's still getting softer. Yeah,
• 50:05
  surely, you know. Here's what they people say. Let it sit like.
• 50:07
  Is it not just getting cold? Don't worry about getting cold. Your
• 50:10
  plates are gonna be fucking hot out of the oven, and so it's the
• 50:13
  gravy. Don't be worried about that. It's cooked. And no, it's
• 50:15
  not really getting cold. You're not putting it outside on the bonnet of a
• 50:17
  fucking car, do you know what I mean? It's in the kitchen.
• 50:21
  The kitchen's already fucking hoppen. You're hopping. You're full of fucking whiskey,
• 50:23
  egg nog. Put that foil back over it, pull it in nice and
• 50:28
  tight, now, do you know what I mean? Because what's actually chemically
• 50:30
  it is, actually the proteins are breaking down even further as it sits there.
• 50:34
  Right, it won't get perishing cold. I promise you, if fucking
• 50:37
  promise you, now leave your oven hot. Don't be turning your oven off.
• 50:39
  Cranking up now, crank it up to, crank it up to two
• 50:43
  hundred. As I would. You have the choice here, right, I
• 50:46
  would always chuck the ham in. Now. The ham is cooked too,
• 50:49
  it's been boiled, it's cooked, it's ready to eat. But you want
• 50:52
  to make it fucking sexy. Whack it in there half in our tops even
• 50:55
  crank it up to this is where you can go, Jerry McBride, fuck
• 50:58
  that fucker up to whatever you We'll see if these bastards can do ninety exactly,
• 51:01
  because really all you're trying to do is crisp the fat on the outside,
• 51:05
  make the fucking marmalade go absolutely fucking foul on the outside. Crag it
• 51:09
  up, crack it up, and if it does that in twenty minutes,
• 51:12
  great, take it out. Fucking cover that bastard. Leave it hot,
• 51:15
  leave it up around two twenty, right, because during this now we'll step
• 51:20
  back, because I can only talk in one timeline. We'll step back while
• 51:23
  your while your lad was in, you're boiling your taters, right, You're
• 51:28
  boiling your full taters. Most important. You're boiling your full taters right,
• 51:34
  the ones that are gonna be roasting, they're done at this stage, but
• 51:37
  water poured out, steam is off them, steam is offen, so they're
• 51:40
  done, right. They're done at the same time your ham is done because
• 51:44
  you don't want to waste time. So your ham is done. So while
• 51:45
  your ham is in and it's turning sexy, that's when your full. When
• 51:49
  your roasty spuds are boiling, you can be boiling the other stuff. But
• 51:52
  really I wouldn't worry too much about it. They need twenty minutes. You're
• 51:53
  gonna you have a forty minute window. Here, your ham, your turkey,
• 51:58
  you're sitting there resting. They're ready for the fucking game right now.
• 52:02
  This is where your goose fat comes in. You will bust out the good
• 52:06
  bacon fucking pen a big enough one anyway to hold these lads right. This
• 52:12
  is where you're gonna get the fucking goose fat fucking in there. As much
• 52:15
  as you want, fuck the whole jarnder, I don't care. You can
• 52:17
  put a bit of fucking season in there. I'm not gonna fucking buster or
• 52:21
  notts over. But your spuds don't need full boiling. They need ten minutes,
• 52:23
  that's all. They only need ten ten minutes to take the fucking flint,
• 52:28
  fucking heat hardness out of them. I give them a bit of a
• 52:31
  wiggle too, and they're in the pot after the water's pulled out. It
• 52:34
  makes them a bit on the fluffy and a bit on the fluffy age.
• 52:37
  If you don't, you don't, but it makes them a bit fluffy.
• 52:38
  More surface area means more crunch, which is what you want. Goose fat.
• 52:44
  Nothing like it. God bless a fat goose. You wind it up
• 52:47
  about two twenty till the fucking thing is fuck. Don't be fucking in there
• 52:52
  cold. So this is where your fucking spuds go into absolutely piping hot.
• 52:55
  You see smoke, clear smoke. Damn, they're coming off the fucking thing.
• 53:00
  I would use your tongues here. I wouldn't fuck them into it,
• 53:02
  do you know what I mean? It's fucking boiling goose fat essentially as what
• 53:07
  you've got here. So this is where I would use a fork or if
• 53:08
  you have the tongues, get him in there. They're good. What the
• 53:12
  fuck there? You've got a forty minute window here. Now you can get
• 53:15
  on your mashie spuds. You can get on your carrots, carrots and parsnips
• 53:19
  and your turnip. Right, they're gonna need about what argument's sake twenty five
• 53:22
  minutes to thirty minutes to come come right, that's there, you know what
• 53:28
  I mean. That's rudimentary Irish stuff. Fuck me if you can't get that
• 53:30
  right. But either way, you're gonna need butter for both the spuds and
• 53:34
  the carrots and parson and a bit of fucking salt too. Let's be honest,
• 53:36
  like I didn't mention one and salt, but fuck me, I'm assuming
• 53:38
  you got it somewhere around that. You've got salt, right, So you'll
• 53:43
  be occasionally turning the spuds because you want to brown on all the sides inside
• 53:45
  of the oven. Right, So you got your carrots and parsonips, turnips
• 53:49
  and meshi spuds, boil them right, get them in there, get them
• 53:55
  mashed a whole lot. Would also be getting your fere in the last ten
• 53:59
  minut so be getting your sprout spoiling, and be getting your cauliflower and broccoli
• 54:05
  boiler because they only need four or five minutes tops with a little bit of
• 54:07
  salt. That's all they need, then fucking get them off because guess where
• 54:12
  they're going. They're going into the oven as well. So they're going into
• 54:16
  the oven as well. So look, this is real indulgent shit. Another
• 54:21
  roasting pan, so you're gonna have. Yeah, they we're fucking running out
• 54:25
  of room in the oven here, tom, are we not? I don't
• 54:27
  worry. The fucking roasties are about almost finished as well, right because these
• 54:30
  leads only need now you can do You can do the the the bross sprouts
• 54:36
  in a frying pan with some pancetta or rasher gives it a nice It does
• 54:39
  make a fucking nice version of it. It does. So if you want
• 54:42
  to keep the oven free to degree, depending on how big your oven is,
• 54:45
  do that right. That can be That's literally a three minute thing that
• 54:49
  can be done right. At the fucking end, your spuds are done,
• 54:52
  grand take them out, sitiments on some kitchen foil or kitchen paper because they're
• 54:58
  gracy as fuck. I'm not telling you what to do with the goose fat.
• 55:00
  People would suggest put some oats in it that are cool down, that
• 55:04
  feed it to the birds over the fucking winter. Do you know birds are
• 55:07
  fucking dinosaurs? They will eat goose fat. They'll eat your fucking arm for
• 55:10
  goose fat. Trust me, you've got your cauliflower and you've got your broccoli
• 55:17
  into a roasting dish. What are you gonna do with a your You're gonna
• 55:20
  great. You're going to create your favorite high end fucking cheese over it.
• 55:24
  That's what you're gonna do. Cheesy. I didn't know we were adding cheese
• 55:27
  to this, Toime. I forgot to I forgot to mention it. But
• 55:30
  you know what, there's a little fucking easter egg for you there, Jared.
• 55:31
  This is like fucking stealth cheese coming in. This is stealth cheese,
• 55:35
  a strong, strong, fucking strong cheddar. Now we raided in over the
• 55:39
  top, fucking in that oven. This is where you've been getting your fucking
• 55:43
  plate and Playton ready everything else. Evan's kind of coming together at the right
• 55:46
  time. Now you can start fucking Take the kurky off, take the turkey
• 55:51
  foil off. We'll all behold an hour later, an hour and ten minutes,
• 55:53
  twenty minutes later, fucking things still hotchair guarantee you because the energy you
• 55:59
  put into it did not get a chance to run away because they were in
• 56:00
  a warm fucking kitchen and you've put a fucking fireman's fucking foil blanket over it.
• 56:05
  Get out the good knife now before we go, before we go to
• 56:08
  play with this, Tom, Yeah, it sounds like we're going to play
• 56:10
  it here now very short before we go to play, perhaps you can jump
• 56:14
  in with the playlist here because I'm half cooked on your fucking egg nog.
• 56:17
  Anyway, now we're talking, so you and all your guests that you've had
• 56:22
  throughout the house as the day rolls on, Tom, we've already had them
• 56:25
  sitting there listening to fucking All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
• 56:29
  and they're getting like they're getting kind of a little bit vexed, so
• 56:31
  they're ready to move on. So yeah, by all means, Tom,
• 56:34
  move on to the second course of music here with the night. Start them
• 56:37
  off with the fairy Tale of New York. Yeah, I have a pain
• 56:42
  any bottocks from that? Anyway, I know, God, bless that God
• 56:45
  listening to you're not listening to be to? Yeah, I got I get
• 56:47
  it, I get it, not listening to be Start them off with fairy
• 56:50
  Tale in New York the Ronan Keating version. Oh fuck yeah, Okay.
• 56:59
  We want to do here is rather than have people similar in discontent, we
• 57:04
  want to stoke active, volatile conversation. In other words, like phrases come
• 57:08
  out that fucking ship. We want them to. And what you want to
• 57:15
  do is what you want to do, Tom is like you want to just
• 57:16
  kind of sprinkle a little bit more in there. So if they're like,
• 57:21
  why are you playing the Ron and Keaton version instead of the classic Pogues and
• 57:23
  Chirsty McCall version, you just go like, you can't play that anymore.
• 57:35
  Wow, now everybody's and just judgment. Just walk off, Just fucking walk
• 57:40
  off. Don't explain yourself, Just like just do little hit and runs like
• 57:45
  that. You can't. You can't play the old version anymore. It has
• 57:47
  to be the new one. Don't explain it, don't say it's all it's
• 57:50
  because of this, that and the other or what not. Just like fucking
• 57:52
  let them have a row. Just let them fucking I think that's a disgrace.
• 57:57
  Well I suppose it. Just leave them fucking to a Tom. And
• 58:00
  that's when you that's when you turn around and you play band Aid a version
• 58:04
  with the version with Dizzy Rascal in it, right and they're there and and
• 58:10
  they're there like what the fuck are you playing? Like why is it?
• 58:14
  And you know, and it's like, you know, in the middle,
• 58:15
  it's all like there's famine in Africa and it's bad or whatever. The rap
• 58:20
  goes in the middle of that, and like people are like, why aren't
• 58:22
  you playing the fucking version? Oh? You know, you know how it
• 58:23
  is these days, you know, you gotta fucking play. The new versions
• 58:25
  of it will come around your house and like people will be like yeah,
• 58:29
  yeah, yeah, this is when you're fucking drunk, ants and uncles and
• 58:31
  all this kind of thing, and then whoever it is that you this is
• 58:34
  whoever is going to start a round will start around here trom okay, and
• 58:37
  like, you know, there's a there's a new version of Baby It's Cold
• 58:40
  Outside by John Legend and Kelly clarks and I do like Kelly Clarkson more or
• 58:44
  Noiseak and now, but like, you know, it's really really can't stay.
• 58:50
  You know, she's like a really you know, as the normal version
• 58:52
  of Baby It's Cold Outside. It's like I really can't stay. And he's
• 58:57
  like, yeah, you know, you're right, maybe you should go home.
• 59:00
  I got to go away. I'll call you a taxi. It's the
• 59:04
  fucking worst version of it. Okay, right, so it's the life,
• 59:07
  it's the white night version. It's the real, like, you know,
• 59:10
  my neighbor's my talk, Well, I'll walk you home. It's like it's
• 59:15
  it's genuinely like, you know, to the point where she's kind of saying,
• 59:17
  like, but i'd like to say far the ride. Ah yeah,
• 59:22
  but we shouldn't, like you only just got to know each other. And
• 59:24
  I'm respectful man, and I respect you as a woman. Okay that sounds
• 59:29
  sucks. Yes. So now while you're going to play Tom, our guests
• 59:32
  are like actively arguing here, pal, they're actively angry at everything. And
• 59:39
  they've got whiskey eggnog in them as well, which is a great drink for
• 59:44
  fighting. So how about we how about we go to play it here Tom,
• 59:47
  and we've turned this fucking night around. Okay. So you're in the
• 59:53
  in the oven. The lads are cooking with the watchm color the cheese over.
• 59:57
  The cooks very quickly with a hot oven. That's again, the veg
• 1:00:00
  is cooked. You're all you're doing is just fucking adding a bit of fun
• 1:00:04
  to it. Now, this is where I meant to tell you. I
• 1:00:07
  meant I will, I will say tom if at this point you haven't listened
• 1:00:09
  to this podcast, and now is when you start slicing carrots. Fuck it
• 1:00:14
  is gone. Oh the day is gone. Yourself. You have a handful
• 1:00:21
  of things to you're just finishing off the last of it. So your spuds
• 1:00:23
  get mashing, bit of butter, bit of salt, mash, put the
• 1:00:27
  lid back on, say, with the carrots and parts of mash, a
• 1:00:29
  bit of butler, the whole lot. Whatever you want to do with the
• 1:00:31
  turnips, that's your fucking bitsus. You can leave them in chunks, you
• 1:00:35
  can fucking mash them, you can put whatever I like to put a bit
• 1:00:37
  of white white pepper sometimes in on turnips. That's it's just me. It's
• 1:00:40
  up to you. I'm not fucking pulling your chain on this. You need
• 1:00:45
  gravy, Jerry, you need gravy. Gravy. We had all that delicious
• 1:00:50
  juice that has run out of the turkey. Now at this stage, whether
• 1:00:52
  you had bits of fucking I don't know. They argue. Put bits of
• 1:00:55
  vegetables and onions and around. It's your own business. It'll mostly taste like
• 1:01:00
  fucking turkey right now. An item too that I should have maybe said at
• 1:01:05
  the top. It's a great fucking thing to have, even if you don't
• 1:01:07
  have it. It's a great thing to have. Is a gravy joke,
• 1:01:10
  A gravy not a gravy boat, a gravy making joke. Have you seen
• 1:01:15
  these? No, So the spout is coming out really real, low down,
• 1:01:20
  and they're graduated and they have like I gotta take a look at this
• 1:01:22
  here now, Yes, it's I'm gonna be what do you call that?
• 1:01:23
  Fucking too fast? On the Joe Rogan Show, Jamie Jamie, Yeah,
• 1:01:29
  gravy just jog a gravy joke. That's just that fucker's job, isn't it?
• 1:01:32
  Googling ship? Right? He's good at it though, he is good?
• 1:01:36
  Fucking helly can he can google? Show show me someone that's bad at
• 1:01:38
  googling? Tom uh great gravy separator with that yet exactly exactly? Yeah,
• 1:01:44
  yeah, yes, yes, yes, I know the one time. Yes,
• 1:01:45
  it's got a little yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like the
• 1:01:49
  bottle that you're uh, the bottle in the car for Winsman washer fluid exactly,
• 1:01:54
  so literally it has a spout coming down real low fucking Jamie's good at
• 1:01:59
  Google. I found that because the pot or the good juice goes to the
• 1:02:06
  bottom and the oil comes to the top, so won't get out. The
• 1:02:08
  spout first has a little mesh thing on the top. You pour the juice
• 1:02:13
  through and it catches all the fucking gunk and it's like a watering can.
• 1:02:17
  It is, it is, it is. So now you've done that,
• 1:02:20
  You've got that sitting there. It's all settled in your You can now you
• 1:02:23
  can. Some people use the roasting tin if you the roasting dish or whatever.
• 1:02:27
  If you don't, if that's the crumpley uppy one, that's fucked.
• 1:02:30
  You ain't using that. Get a pot in the pot. I want you
• 1:02:32
  to put a good sized a good sized knob and a half of butter on
• 1:02:37
  a fucking tablespoon, right, good size knob, okay, and now on
• 1:02:43
  behind that while that's eating away on the hob in the pot. I want
• 1:02:46
  you to then put two spoons, the same spoon of flour in. This
• 1:02:52
  is where your wire risk is needed. And you going, what are you
• 1:02:54
  making here? Tom, You're making fucking past, You're making fucking play though,
• 1:02:59
  Yeah, kind it's called a root right root right, and now you've
• 1:03:04
  got Now you're gonna you're gonna wist that ship around until it starts crumbling up
• 1:03:07
  and starts coming together almost like a fucking cookie dough, right ever so slightly,
• 1:03:12
  just starting to come together with cookie dough. If you've done one too,
• 1:03:14
  If you don't, if you're coming way too dry, little nab about
• 1:03:16
  in it doesn't seem to you're not you're not describing something that I can pour.
• 1:03:22
  No, you don't need to pour it yet, because you're just making
• 1:03:24
  the bass, right, You're making the fucking bass. And now when you
• 1:03:29
  know it's done is when it starts. You still get the smell of biscuits
• 1:03:31
  from it. It's fucking lovely, Okay, just get a hint of biscuits.
• 1:03:34
  You're like, oh, we're good to go. Now. You can
• 1:03:37
  take your gravy jug. You take your gravy jug that has all those good
• 1:03:40
  fucking juices sitting at the bottom of it from you might have a good you
• 1:03:44
  might have a half liter, might have fucking seven hundred. You might keep
• 1:03:47
  pouring. Right, You're gonna pour that in a whisk like fuck with your
• 1:03:51
  metal whisk. You've never whisked before. Here you'll see that cookie dough stuff
• 1:03:54
  just break up. It'll break up immediately, and what it does starts to
• 1:03:59
  take taking up the fucking juice that's pouring in on top of it, and
• 1:04:02
  the flavors that will run up your nostril at that stage will be all out.
• 1:04:05
  Even the cranky shit, cranky fuckers that you have out in the other
• 1:04:09
  room playing that shite music will start to go one fucking second, what's happening
• 1:04:12
  in there. You get that consistency pouring enough that you've got it too,
• 1:04:15
  consistency that you're happy with. Gravy consistency, not watery all fucking stuff,
• 1:04:19
  but gravy consistency. It'll be smooth as fucked too, because you've strained out
• 1:04:25
  all the shitty bits. There's no lumpy bits. It doesn't taste like bisto.
• 1:04:28
  It tastes exactly how it should. Juice from in on top of this.
• 1:04:31
  But it's the peer's the problem. It's fucking beige. It's fucking beige.
• 1:04:38
  Look, nobody wants to drink beige gravy unless you're at a Southern fucking
• 1:04:41
  cookout. You've got biscuits, you know what I mean. Tom, It's
• 1:04:45
  time for the mystery musketool. This is where you're gonna bust out the thing
• 1:04:50
  that you will keep in the pantry and anytime you ever make, every time,
• 1:04:55
  if you have the time with chicken, beef, anything, do this
• 1:04:59
  exact same thing, the same base, flour and butter, and you just
• 1:05:01
  pour the juice of whatever the fuck you just roasted for a couple hours.
• 1:05:04
  You pour it. On top of that, you're making the greatest You're making
• 1:05:08
  stuff that will make a fucking dreary, fucking evening bright nice. You're gonna
• 1:05:13
  now. I mean, you don't get this ship on the floor, don't
• 1:05:15
  get this ship on your fucking hands, don't get this ship on the fucking
• 1:05:17
  good counter, don't get this ship on your good shirt. This motherfucker comes
• 1:05:23
  in for life. This fucking gravy brownie. It don't suck around. It's
• 1:05:26
  made from it's made for some sort of vegetable. I don't know what vegetable.
• 1:05:30
  Just a splash. I'm talking a tiny splash, because before you know
• 1:05:32
  it, you'll be drinking fucking triacle. What looks like treacle, and nobody's
• 1:05:36
  touching that. You just want to I mean, we're talking what if what
• 1:05:41
  would fit on the top of a fucking pin for at a time, on
• 1:05:45
  tail and keep you're you can add more tom but you can't take it away.
• 1:05:48
  You cannot. You cannot put the ship back in the horse. That's
• 1:05:50
  what I'm saying. Now you have gravy, turn it off. Turn it
• 1:05:55
  off, Take out your lads out of the fucking oven. Take out the
• 1:05:58
  fucking the crispy, fucking cheesy broccoli and cauliflower. Your spots are mashed with
• 1:06:01
  butter. Your cards and parson are mashed with butter. You turn up whatever
• 1:06:05
  the fuck you wanted to do with it. You have inside in the pan.
• 1:06:10
  The hot pan is still sitting there fine with the bits of panchetta and
• 1:06:13
  fucking and sprouts. Now you're ready to play it up. You should have
• 1:06:16
  had your plates. Now here's a trick, right, if you're going to
• 1:06:20
  b fucking oven a fucking oven, I can't fucking your plate should always be
• 1:06:25
  worn. If you don't have another oven, sprinkle a sprinkle of water on
• 1:06:29
  each plate. So you've got six plates, put them in the oven.
• 1:06:31
  Sprinkle of water, because the water will actually draw the molecules in the water
• 1:06:38
  will be what will heat. Put it in there for two minutes if you've
• 1:06:43
  got no oven space or you're like, all this will hold for a second.
• 1:06:45
  I've got a ROAs and hot oven. You can you can put the
• 1:06:49
  plates in the microwave. You can like you can, But unless you're really
• 1:06:54
  worried for time, I wouldn't stress. I'd take it out. I'd take
• 1:06:57
  out the ball is stress or in the last right now, in the last
• 1:07:00
  few minutes, there'll be more than one rack in the oven. You all,
• 1:07:03
  all it's in. There is your cheesy fucking calling flower and broccoli.
• 1:07:06
  Slide in, slide in the plates. You gotta have warm fucking plates because
• 1:07:12
  your turkey and your ham have been resting for a while. Especially the turkey
• 1:07:15
  has been well over an hour. The ham has been sitting there fucking the
• 1:07:18
  gods of forty minutes, like you know what I mean more even now,
• 1:07:23
  now it's time to play up. Get your plates out, get the good
• 1:07:26
  knife. Start with the turkey because it's cool and faster than anything else.
• 1:07:30
  Get the turkey on track, off the fucking legs, get it out of
• 1:07:32
  your fucking way. If you really, people go, jeez, I'm no
• 1:07:35
  good at slicing down the Yeah, Well, what you do is this,
• 1:07:39
  You take the good knife, Get that fucking leg and wing out of the
• 1:07:41
  way, find the joint, cut the fucking thing off, get it out
• 1:07:44
  of your fucking way. If somebody wants it, let them have it.
• 1:07:48
  What you should do if you're worried about cutting, because it's it's at a
• 1:07:53
  strange angle and all the rest is sitting up there that breast, Get the
• 1:07:56
  breast off, get it off, skin and all. Find the center of
• 1:08:00
  it at the very top, come down along the spine, go back up
• 1:08:03
  and come around underneath. It's fucking what it would be essentially, it's the
• 1:08:08
  side of its peck, just touching its armpit where you'd fucking you know where
• 1:08:12
  you disloquated. You see lads dislocate their shoulder. That's the line you want
• 1:08:15
  to follow around underneath and just get in underneath there with the knife. Pop
• 1:08:17
  it straight off, and now you've got a big old lump of meat you
• 1:08:20
  can hold in one place with. If you want to use your fucking hand,
• 1:08:24
  I'm telling you what the fucking do. You can splice this. Now
• 1:08:27
  you're just like cutting the fucking cutting the side of a turn up. You're
• 1:08:30
  slicing down into it on the fucking chopping board and you look like a fucking
• 1:08:33
  pro. It all comes out the same consistency, dude, same with the
• 1:08:36
  other side, and horse horse on the ham is gonna come out fucking ridiculous
• 1:08:42
  again. Get your fucking hangs out, put the fucking gravy in the boat,
• 1:08:45
  have the boat fucking warm with a touch of boiling water beforehandle as you
• 1:08:47
  don't want to cool your Yeah, well, people are poured straight into the
• 1:08:50
  fucking porcelain fucking boat and cool all the gravy down, totally missing the point,
• 1:08:55
  do you know what I mean? Get it all on there, get
• 1:08:58
  it out into the middle of the table, sit back and revel because they
• 1:09:02
  will fucking go through you for a short cut for how good this fucking will
• 1:09:05
  taste, I promise you. And this is when you finally loose the tap
• 1:09:11
  on the music, Tom. This is when you play your Mariah Carey all
• 1:09:15
  I Want for Christmas. This is when you hit them with the slid.
• 1:09:17
  This is when you hit them with the Wizard. This is when you hit
• 1:09:19
  them with the Kelly Clarkson all around the Christmas tree. Because you know what,
• 1:09:24
  Tom, all these songs are fucking fantastic and the only reason people don't
• 1:09:28
  like them is because they hear them all day every day, and they say,
• 1:09:30
  oh, that's very overplayed. And that's all that thing. If you
• 1:09:33
  leave people sitting listening to fucking Patsy and Elmo and the Rolling Keaton version of
• 1:09:38
  the fairy Tale in New York for two hours, and you watch them fucking
• 1:09:41
  appreciate when Mariah Carey comes on, when bon Jovie comes on, when they
• 1:09:45
  really start rocking, they live smiles the wit of their faces, Tom and
• 1:09:49
  they're eating a lovely dinner. That's when they're full of whiskey egg nog.
• 1:09:53
  That's when you hit them with the classic. That's when the crack starts.
• 1:09:57
  That's when you put Bruce Stings means version Santa Claus is coming to Tarry's Like,
• 1:10:00
  oh, you guys have been practicing not there, there's not many,
• 1:10:04
  there's not many. You guys are in trouble. You watch the fucking place
• 1:10:09
  come apart when these lads have been drinking fucking whiskey egg nog all day listening
• 1:10:13
  to that horseshit. That's how you get music into a party, buddy,
• 1:10:16
  And that's the show you've put on a show. Now, I mean you'll
• 1:10:19
  immediately go whose house next year. But really, by the end of the
• 1:10:24
  night, when everybody's by the end of the evening, when everybody's stuff their
• 1:10:27
  fucking faces and they're like, Jesus Christ, that was some dinner. You'll
• 1:10:30
  want it again. You don't want it again. You don't want that feeling
• 1:10:33
  again. And look, you do it once, it gets so much easier.
• 1:10:38
  Don't let it. Don't you Make sure you have the gear, you
• 1:10:40
  have the prep done, and you absolutely grand timing right. Work everything around
• 1:10:45
  what the fucking turkeys doing. Get as much work done while the oven is
• 1:10:48
  occupied as you possibly can. Don't boil the stuff too early. You got
• 1:10:51
  bags of fucking time. Remember that turkey. If it's whatever length the time
• 1:10:56
  it's on, add on another hour again, because the fucker's got to sit
• 1:10:59
  there. He won't he ain't going anywhere. Don't be starting this motherfucker twelve
• 1:11:02
  in a day either, Do you know what I mean? I hear people
• 1:11:04
  starting to like, yeah, we eate at eight o'clock last night, you
• 1:11:06
  know what I mean? Yeah? When did you rest? Yeah? Exactly
• 1:11:11
  exactly, Get into it and get into it. Have this eight by half
• 1:11:14
  two in the day because you'll probably come back at it. Bits and pieces.
• 1:11:18
  There's yeah, and like you know, if you're worried about desert,
• 1:11:23
  here's what you do. You get a block of Hazelbrok firm fvanilla ice cream,
• 1:11:27
  cut a slice of it, pour eggnog over. That's it. That's
• 1:11:31
  your deserre and that is your twenty twenty three Christmas special. Everybody there you
• 1:11:38
  go and and doing it nice for the Christmas yourself. Tom, I'm going
• 1:11:43
  to be doing a lot of that cooking. You're gonna be done a lot
• 1:11:45
  of that cooking. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to be doing,
• 1:11:45
  Buddy, I'm going to be doing my traditional since Steven's Day, twenty
• 1:11:49
  model challenge. I guess you want to call it a year first they oh,
• 1:11:56
  as per usual, I'll be doing it for the Spiky Boys, Hitchhil
• 1:12:00
  the Hedgehog. Guys, Guys, I gotta tie you. I'm gonna gonna
• 1:12:01
  break it to you here on the Tom and Jerry Podcast. This will be
• 1:12:03
  the last year I'm doing it, So this is one for the road Father,
• 1:12:08
  Spiky Boys, twenty Bottle Channels, twenty twenty three. We've had a
• 1:12:11
  good run and I want to send them off with a goodly dose of donations,
• 1:12:15
  so keep an eye on your social media's in the common weeks for more
• 1:12:18
  details on that. And anybody that contributed to a previous fundraiser that I did,
• 1:12:25
  thank you very kindly. Sorry for hitting you twice for donations in the
• 1:12:28
  year, but you know what, that's that's how it is. You have
• 1:12:30
  the option to give. I don't expect two donations from anybody for anything,
• 1:12:36
  but if you are feeling generous around the Christmas time, you know I've got
• 1:12:40
  good homes for all this money. Jesus, there are there are there are
• 1:12:45
  families of hedgehogs around the country right now with homes tyes to Jerry and his
• 1:12:49
  mild alcoholism around since Stevens' Day. Anyway, listen, we will be back
• 1:12:55
  at what yeah, what it was. What I was gonna tell his fine
• 1:12:59
  people. We've given them all this good information about their Christmas dinners. Tom,
• 1:13:02
  We want them to follow us on the social media channels. They are
• 1:13:05
  almost certainly doing this already. You'll get him on at Tom Underscore, omany
• 1:13:09
  me at Jerry McBride. All roads lead to the Tom and Jerry Show.
• 1:13:13
  On in your instagrams, on your twitters, probably not your threads, probably
• 1:13:18
  not your Blue Skys just yet, but we'll see what the new year brings
• 1:13:21
  us. Give us an I'll follow, Tell us something nice. It's Christmas.
• 1:13:26
  For God's sake, we need him to raise. Whatever. Whatever platform
• 1:13:30
  you're on, rate it at the highest marks please, or don't at all,
• 1:13:32
  and anything else is no good to us, but interaction would be great.
• 1:13:35
  Send us a screen grab, tag us if you if you followed this
• 1:13:41
  and it got you through the Christmas Day on the Christmas Day, tag the
• 1:13:44
  Tom and Jerry Show on Instagram or Twitter. It'd be great to see it.
• 1:13:47
  If you've hit the if you listen to the show while doing your shopping,
• 1:13:50
  elbow and lads in the face, let us know about that too.
• 1:13:54
  That's kind of the style I was banking on. Anyway, feel free to
• 1:13:57
  reach out. If you've hit the fucking stumbling block, you're like, what
• 1:14:00
  the fuck? What did you say? Why? Why would you put butter
• 1:14:01
  in with what? Feel free to message us Tom and Tom. Yes,
• 1:14:12
  he kind of spoiled it as well. He didn't spoil it. He just
• 1:14:14
  told him. Yeah, things you tell people aren't spoilers. It's just talk.
• 1:14:17
  Yeah, we are, we are, We will be back in the
• 1:14:19
  New Year with a new season of The Tom and Jerry Show at some stage,
• 1:14:23
  maybe not January. Yeah, no, when we the past, the
• 1:14:27
  news, the planet to be back right. A happy Christmas everybody, yeah,
• 1:14:31
  and a happy New Year. H