Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep27: Spanglish and Stand-Up 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep27: Spanglish and Stand-Up 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: There is a hierarchy in the Latino culture.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: We don't talk about it, but it's there.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's all kinds of different Latinos, right?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Mexican, Puerto Rican, Salvadorian, Cuban, Colombian, Dominican, blah blah blah, and la la la bian.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: All kinds of us.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: My husband, he's Puerto Rican, right?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: So he thinks Puerto Ricans are at the top because they have J-Lo.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, we get it.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Team Puerto Rico, one point.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well played.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_08: Like Dominicans, some of them think they're better than Haitians because they speak Spanish.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_08: Right?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_08: And Cubans think they're better than the Dominicans because they're a little lighter and they think they speak better Spanish.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_08: And Puerto Ricans think they're better than all of them because they're citizens.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_08: And they speak English.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_08: Meanwhile, the races are like, send all them fucking Mexicans home.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_08: Build that wall.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_07: Salvadorians have the best curse word.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_08: Hijo de la gran puta, which means son of the greatest bitch.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_08: Like the biggest bitch ever.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_08: That bitch.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_08: That bitch.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_07: That's the bitch I'm talking about right there.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_07: That means that there was a whore parade.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_07: Your mom will be the grand marshal every fucking year.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_07: Riding her papusa float.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_04: Well, luckily for me, my uncle did teach me about our Latin timeline, which I want to share with you.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_04: And that is Mayans at 1000 BC.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_04: And then we have now.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_04: And what is it?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_04: The age of pit bull, right?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know how they do it, but no matter what they're talking about, in any conversation, they can seamlessly bring up Mark Anthony.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can have a conversation with my father-in-law, he'll be like, hey, the Yankees.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna be good this year.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: But if not, it's okay.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Mark Anthony, he's gonna do a special on TV.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'll record it for you.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_03: Shakira performed here a few days ago.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_03: And and Shakira has an amazing show.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, she doesn't just come out and la la la la la la la la la la la la la.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: I think I just hurt myself.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Latina.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: What was our good old days?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: When J Low became Selena, that's what we get.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we get.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we get.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Selina.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: For those of you that don't know, Selina.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Selena is the closest thing Latinos have to a superhero.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: She is a Mexican-American singer.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: She died over 20 years ago, and we still talk about what she could have done.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, if Selena was still here.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Trump would build a wall, she would knock it down with her voice.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_05: All that bullshit with a wall.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_05: Maybe they're waiting for permits.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_05: I think me and about five bottles in there, we could have already built that fucking wall like that.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_05: We're gonna be done.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_05: Wait, we won't build it so heavy that it crushes the fucking tunnels that we have under.
• 4:22
  unknown: Uh-huh.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Bye bye! Did you guys see the tunnel Chapo had when he got arrested?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: That shit looked like a Disneyland ride.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: There's lights, a guy selling tickets, a two-hour wait.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: There was a Starbucks.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_07: I was watching the news.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_07: They said 2.5 million illegal immigrants came in through Mexico.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_07: 2.5 million.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_07: And then they asked, how we're gonna stop this?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, well, uh, you got to stop them while you're counting them coming in.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_07: I'm gonna come in two times today.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_07: Hey, we'll help you count one, little, two, little, three, a little Mexicans, four, little, five.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_08: So you can build that wall if you want to.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_08: You might keep a couple of Mexicans out, but the Dominicans are gonna fly right over that bitch.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_08: Right?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_08: You wanna keep the Dominicans out?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_08: You better build a motherfucking dome.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_07: It's not just Mexicans coming over.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_07: People from El Salvador, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Honduras, Peru, Venezuela.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_07: They come into America illegally and they steal Mexican jobs.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_07: Are you fucking serious?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_07: We need two worlds.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_07: One in South America and one in Central America.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_07: We're gonna make America great for Mexicans again.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_07: We're losing too many hotel jobs.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_05: Listen, ICE and all that bullshit, homeland security.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_05: Listen, if they want to do all that bullshit, listen, if they want to deport people, don't hey, I'm on your side.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_05: Relax.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_05: You're fucking going with me.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_05: I fucking got it.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_05: I wrote it.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_05: I know what's coming.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_05: Don't go to the works, don't go to the schools, don't go to the jobs.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_05: All right?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_05: Let the people in the families decide, let them Latinos decide who gets deported.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_05: Because we all have relatives that we like, and some that you're like, hey.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_05: Four o'clock in the morning, Tia, wake up.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_05: They want you.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_05: Who?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_05: Mexico.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_05: What?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_05: Mexico wants me?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, come on.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_05: And you're like, Tio, también, let's go.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_05: They want you.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_05: El Salvador.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_05: Salvador, El Salvador, come on, come on, let's go.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_05: Tia, you don't need a bra.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_05: Go like this.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_04: This King Philip of Spain was always shitting on us, man.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_04: Always trying to prove that we weren't human and didn't have souls, so they could keep robbing us through the centuries.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_04: And he was always, que humane, que pan caliente, me cago en la puta madre de Cristo, ostra tío joder.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_04: You bring me five hundred of these savages, and I'm going to put them in my royal zoo.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_04: And you will see that they're soulless animals.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_04: Who would have thought that colonization could be so much fun?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, robbing, raping, pillaging, robbing, raping, raping, pillaging, robbing, robbing, raping, raping, raping, raping.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_04: Put us in cages.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_04: Thank God that's not happening to us anymore, huh?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_05: People who have served this country, Latino veterans, have been deported from the United States of America.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_05: That cannot happen.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_05: That's bullshit.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_05: Anyone that's willing to die for this country should be able to live in this country.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_05: You hear what I'm saying?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_05: You hear what I'm saying?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_05: If you take care of people's kids and you spend more time with fucking their kids than with your own, you should be allowed to live in this country.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_04: Even our Cherokee people were bushwacked by bloody Andrew Jackson.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_04: And our seventh president proclamates to the Cherokee people, now listen here, Chief Cry Baby.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_04: You and your papooses can remain on this land so long as you live by our laws.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_04: So from now on, they're gonna be just a few new laws just for all of y'all.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_04: I know, I know.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_04: I look more like Frederick Douglass than I do Andrew Jackson.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_04: But I'd rather look like Freddie than Andy any old fucking day.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_04: Especially after you learn that those poor tribes actually tried to live according to those strict laws of Andrew Jackson's Indian Removal Act, which is so twisted and hypocritical, man, because Ben Franklin and the founding fathers plagiarized the Iroquois nation's constitution to create our constitution because of the great freedoms and independence it guaranteed to each individual state.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_04: And then they go and do it to us again in the 1930s with the Repatriation Act, where they blame Mexican Americans for taking jobs during the Depression.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_04: Sound familiar?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_04: So President Herbert Hoover repatriates 500,000 Latin people that were born here.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_04: And those of us that didn't leave were lynched.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_04: And between 1830 and 1930, 600 of us were lynched.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_04: And now they're doing it to us again, man, with all these anti-immigration policies.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_04: Making us so afraid of being pulled over and profile that we have to pretend that we can't even speak Spanish?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_04: Officer, come up with air blar, since Savera blur, officer, no per blar, no several blur.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_04: Come up with her, since the her.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_04: So several blur, no butter, whoder.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_04: You know who there, too, whoder, no but her.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_05: Before we could just pretend not to speak English now because of ice.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_05: You fucking get pulled over.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_05: They don't ask you for driver's license registration, they fucking get to it.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_05: Do you speak English?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_02: You're like, I'm doing your brownie.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_05: Yes.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_05: I can stay.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_05: Oh my god.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean a lot of times people just assume that I speak Spanish, right?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: They'll just start saying Spanish words at me really fast.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to come out right away and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I don't speak Spanish, right?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm ashamed of myself.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: So what I do is I just like to go along with the conversation for as long as I can.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then like at the end, I just give them like a go-to Spanish phrase, like, a bueno.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: But it usually has nothing to do with what they're talking about.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: So they're just like, huh?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Claro que sí, claro.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, claro.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where Latinos at that do speak Spanish?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you guys at?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, congratulations.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're better than us.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_05: That used to be the go-to.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_05: Back in the day, you could pretend not to speak English.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_05: The cop will pull you over.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_05: You want to get out of the car if I don't tell the fuck up here.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_05: Go.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_05: I'll tell you, I don't know what they're saying.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_05: We used to pretend to not speak English.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_05: They would let us go now.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_05: They hit you with a fucking padlo, that nightstick.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_05: That'll get the fucking English out.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_05: Get out of the car.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_05: Better no entiendo.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, you want me to get out of the car?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god!
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_05: Epoching out, dude.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_05: I got it.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_05: That's gonna leave a fucking chipotle on my fucking.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Mexican, so I think Mexicans are at the top because we have the best food.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are just facts, you guys.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Google it if you want to.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: Now, for anyone wondering about taco trucks, let me just let you know right now.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: That is real good Mexican food.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want you being concerned, like, no, there's there's wheels under that restaurant.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: Well, sometimes we don't have a permit, okay?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_03: So but it doesn't mean the food is not good.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: For me to know that I'm gonna have a good experience at a taco truck.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: I always research and I look to see who's running the truck.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: For me to know that I'm gonna have a good time.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: I want to make sure that it's an all-female crew.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_03: Not to sound sexist, it's just that when it's all women running the truck, they make me feel good about myself.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_03: They make me feel special.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: When I walk up at one o'clock in the morning and I have a buzz, they make me feel good.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_03: Hello! They come to the window.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_03: Hola mi gordito, como estás?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_03: I bet I bet ohjitas, ojitas, ojitas.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_05: Our parents shit, we were raised by the original body shamers.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_05: They didn't give a fuck what age you were.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_05: They'd be leaving for work.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, you two fat fuckers right there.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_05: You better not be on that fucking couch when I get home.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_05: Gordo one and fucking gordo two.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_05: You hear me?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_05: We would answer.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, all right.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_05: Fucking clean yourselves.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_05: Come on.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_05: Bigger Chi Chis than everybody in the family at 11.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, Tetas, come out here.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_05: That's how you get your nickname.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_05: You shit in your pants one time, you're caca for the rest of your life.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_05: You could be a grown man, fucking caca.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, guess who's getting married?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_05: Who?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_05: Kakafu.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_05: Kaka's getting married.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_05: And his wife is pretty chingo.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_05: They're gonna have fucking cacitas running around.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_05: Kaka's getting married.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_05: Oh shit.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_05: Fucking caca.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_05: Good for caca.