Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 224. When an Adult Child Cuts You Off: Hope and Healing for Estranged Moms with Nicole Coates

Transcript

224. When an Adult Child Cuts You Off: Hope and Healing for Estranged Moms with Nicole Coates · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Christian parenting.
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey Mama, I'm Pamela Henkelman, certified emptiness coach and you're listening to the Mid-Life Mama podcast.
• 0:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: This show is for Christian moms navigating the emptiness, learning how to let go with grace, set healthy boundaries, reconnected marriage, and step confidently into their God-given purpose.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Each week I'll coach you through this season with faith-building
• 0:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: on his conversations and practical tools that you can apply right away to your relationships and your life.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: If this episode encourages you, I'd be grateful if you leave a quick rating and review.
• 0:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: It helps other moms find the support they need.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: You'll find the link in the show notes and make sure you're following the podcast and let's get started.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Today's conversation is for the mom carrying a tragic kind of heartbreak.
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: The kind that comes from when there's distance between you and your child and you're not sure how things got there.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or if they'll ever be restored.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm joined by Nicole Coates in its strange mom mentor, an author of Finding Hope in the Heartbreak and Founder, a between-hope-and-heartbreak, a faith-based community from others walking through a strange bit.
• 1:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Today, she'll courageously share her personal story of a arrangement with her oldest daughter.
• 1:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: In this episode, we'll talk about the pain, the confusion, and the deep soul work that happens in a season like this.
• 1:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: But more than that, we're going to talk about hope.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: The Cole shares how God met her in the lowest moments, how He began to heal her heart, and why she now feels called to walk alongside other moms navigating a strange
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you've ever felt rejected, question your motherhood or wondered what your role is when your child pulls away.
• 1:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: This conversation will remind you that you're not alone, and God is still at work.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Cole!
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for having me.
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: God, have you here before we jump in?
• 1:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Can you tell my listeners a little bit about yourself?
• 1:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
• 1:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a mom of four.
• 2:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so my oldest daughter is 22 and then I have three boys still at home.
• 2:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I have 16, 14 and 12.
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, still very busy.
• 2:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Running around after.
• 2:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: boys and so I live in Boise, Idaho and I've been married for almost 20 years.
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's gone a long time.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's shocking, sometimes.
• 2:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: How have I known you this long?
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, and I started my walk with a strange man, I guess, started a couple years ago.
• 2:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, so I also work in the non-profit sector and my nine to five outside of this what God's called me to hear and so yeah,
• 2:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're doing a lot.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 2:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: The cool I want you to take us back to the beginning of your story.
• 2:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: What led to the arrangement was your oldest daughter and what did that season feel like as a mom?
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: So there is two...
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: seasons of a strange meant for us.
• 3:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And one is not a complete cutoff.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: There was distance.
• 3:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: It would the teen years started their rough.
• 3:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Teenus are all rough.
• 3:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: We, everyone can pretty much relate to at the highs in the lows.
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're beautiful with this highs and lows.
• 3:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, when she moved out to go to college, there was a distance that felt more than just spreading her wings, and we're learning to be an adult, and felt more intentional and guarded.
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, we navigated that distance and
• 3:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our family ended up moving from boysy to Texas, the boys, and my husband and I, and it was in that move that we really were able to come back together.
• 3:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: We flew her down a couple times and there was just a reconciliation that kind of happened and we just jumped back into what you'd consider a normal relationship.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't like to use the word normal because there's no normal on what you'd expect and or what I expected this season of motherhood to look like and there was apologies that happened from my husband and I just gosh, we got that wrong.
• 4:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: that we, although we did jump back in, there was conversation that happened.
• 4:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've got to be missed the mark.
• 4:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: We could have gotten that better.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: We apologized things like that.
• 4:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And our main focus was that when nothing else mattered except for being in relationship with her.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so we navigated.
• 4:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: we in convenience ourselves and our family tenfold to make sure that it was convenient for her to ruin relationship with her when we want to get together with her or holidays.
• 4:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that is, I'm not saying that's not normal.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is the normal part of this transition when they become adults.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You, they have their own life.
• 4:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I only get to be in her life if I'm invited in her life and I have to make adjustments to make sure she has her own life.
• 4:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a priority to her and I need to make sure that it's a priority for me too.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So there's a normalness about that.
• 4:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: but so we navigated that pretty well for a couple of years and then last year that's when our second bout of a strange event where there has been a full cut off has happened and there was some language used in a disagreement that would happen over text message.
• 5:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when I called and was like, let's talk about this because this is, I had asked a question which is what started it and it was over Instagram.
• 5:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was over Instagram.
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so it was like something dumb.
• 5:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I acknowledge this is dumb, but I, in, in light at how far we've come in our relationship, I just wanted to ask.
• 5:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it spiraled into this whole thing that it should not have been.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so then I called and I was like, hey, can we just talk about this like,
• 5:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she said, no, she wasn't ready.
• 5:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, oh, okay.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then things just continued to spiral and language was used.
• 5:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then it was like my husband and I had this realization of, we've taken this, making our family uncomfortable a little too far.
• 6:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And,
• 6:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: There it wasn't a balanced relationship and it was it was so off-balanced that it was, this isn't healthy and this is we're going far in the wrong direction.
• 6:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can I ask a question.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what did that look like was it a lot of catering to her a lot of people pleasing what we were the actual actions.
• 6:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, so a lot of catering to her, a lot of lifestyle differences, and so making sure that she was comfortable in our home and a lot of having to filter and hide who not hide, but what's the wording I'm looking for.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: which is put a lid on who we were in order to make you believe, especially in life styles, we're so different.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think parents are walking through this all the time.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Their children has selected a different, like their core values have changed.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's very different from the way we raised them.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we're like, we're all like, oh gosh, what do we do now?
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: And like there is a certain amount like I'm not going to intentionally make current comfortable.
• 7:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to intentionally bring up controversial topics.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: We don't talk about politics.
• 7:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to sit around the table and not there's like those land mines that you really avoid, right?
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not saying I want to sit around and talk about hot topics that we're all going to disagree on.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: But, and I love her and no matter what lifestyle choices or core values are there different.
• 7:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love for her doesn't change and my respect for her doesn't change.
• 7:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: But how much we lost ourselves in that we realized was where that unhealthy balance is because we both have to be able to just be who we are.
• 7:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to shove it down her throat and not she doesn't need to shove it down my and we need to be who we are and that's the beautiful part of relationships is The things that make us align us and the things that don't because I have things that I can I learned so much from her and Something I really valued in our relationship is that when she would come to us with changes in her life we could ask her and be honest and you're like, what does that mean and how can we support you in that and she was always really vulnerable with us and honest and I'm still learning to and great we're learning together there was
• 8:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: This healthiness to it to start and then it just, I was like a snowball effect of, if, then if it we were, if we were in complete, I can love you and respect you, but not agree with your decision, but it became if I couldn't agree with the decision, then it just was getting harder and harder to be in relationship.
• 8:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's kind of when we realized, okay, we need to just be adults here.
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Squash our squabble, and she said, no, this is something that sometimes takes mom's walking through a strange way back a little bit, but I'm actually the one that said we need to actually have a conversation.
• 8:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And until we can have a face to face or on the phone verbal, not text message or email, which is what the cycle we were in was text messages.
• 9:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: We need to have a verbal or face to face conversation until we can do that.
• 9:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think don't contact me again, it had been a progression, don't get me wrong, it wasn't like a, but there'd been a progression of you're not hearing me like we have to have a conversation.
• 9:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that was a year ago that I asked for that conversation and that conversation resulted in a cut off my request to have a conversation resulted in a cut off, which is not a natural response to wanting
• 9:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: to have a conversation.
• 9:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would have apologized in that conversation, and I think what's hard for me is that there was no, it was one of those situations where you just can't win.
• 9:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everything I said was being used against me.
• 9:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everything that was being said was thrown back at us, and it was just getting regurgitated in a way that was hard to understand and weaponized against us.
• 9:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: So there was no winning.
• 9:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's when I finally was like, okay, we
• 9:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: We need to have an adult conversation and yeah, that was a year ago.
• 10:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what are some of the hardest emotions that you've wrestled with through this year?
• 10:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Things that maybe other moms wouldn't see on the surface.
• 10:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh gosh.
• 10:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: What fun was that?
• 10:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't.
• 10:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't.
• 10:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's so many.
• 10:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do.
• 10:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wonder if I shouldn't have drawn that line and I would have just continued if we'd still be in relationship today.
• 10:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe.
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I also think is that a healthy relationship, either of us.
• 10:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I swear I wrestle with that a lot.
• 10:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not only did she cut my husband and a half, but she cut everybody off.
• 10:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: So she hasn't spoken to her brothers in a year.
• 10:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: She hasn't spoken to her grandparents.
• 10:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I also think, Gosh, I caused that for them because I asked for a conversation which resulted in this whole family cut off.
• 10:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I wrestle with the guilt of that.
• 10:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: But then again, I go back to it's not an unrealistic request to just ask for a phone call.
• 10:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so you wrestle with that eagle back and forth of is it unrealistic?
• 11:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Am I crazy?
• 11:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I go back and forth about that and with her brothers, our youngest was the closest to her and he's had the hardest time.
• 11:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: the collateral damage.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, he's in the crosshairs.
• 11:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't like even when if he was here and he heard we say, I don't want him for, he would look at me and say, no, you're not.
• 11:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Only three.
• 11:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so he is really angry about it.
• 11:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he does like his reciprocation as I'm cutting her off.
• 11:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So in his mind, he's the other only three of us, you know how poor.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's hard and I look and I think I look at the boys growing, the ages that they are, they've grown so much in a year.
• 11:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so much has happened, my oldest is a junior, he's going to his prom.
• 11:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like he'll be a senior next year and I think, what if we don't reconcile by graduation, she's going to miss that.
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: But then I think about how much I'm missing in her life, how much has changed in hers?
• 11:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Geographically, how far apart are you from your life?
• 12:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: 15 minutes, 15 minutes.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 12:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you're not even like hours away.
• 12:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: No.
• 12:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: And there's so many times when after Thanksgiving, my husband, I went to a movie.
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it was at a movie theater, closer to where she lives.
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it was the day after Thanksgiving.
• 12:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So holiday, which brings up emotions of when you're walking through this and your child's not there.
• 12:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I thought we thought we saw her, and I, in the turn to my back, because I, it was like, I'm not emotionally prepared.
• 12:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was so emotional yesterday, like, I'm in heightened emotions.
• 12:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know that it would be wise for me.
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know and I just stood there like frozen completely shock and it wasn't her, but I But we live so close that I'm like it could have been or it just last week at Costco We thought we'd it's just weird because she we could literally bump into her at the Store hey can I ask you a question if you noticed how dads will spend money on everyone else But almost never on themselves
• 12:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have it, it's definitely one of those guys.
• 12:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: He'll wear something until it's practically falling apart before he buys a new one.
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, babe, remember?
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: You bought that shirt when Rebecca was in college, and that was 10 years ago.
• 13:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this bothers day, I'm taking matters into my own hand.
• 13:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Shh, don't tell him.
• 13:13
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• 13:19
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• 13:25
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• 13:29
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• 13:31
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• 13:34
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• 13:40
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• 13:41
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• 13:45
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• 13:51
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• 13:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now, let's get back to our conversation aside from feeling guilt.
• 14:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: What other emotions have you felt this year?
• 14:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh gosh, there's you, all of them, I feel just the morning and grieving.
• 14:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You talk about it the way it's talked about on a strangement.
• 14:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Community is, you're grieving the death of someone who's alive.
• 14:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's really weird.
• 14:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not really something you can explain or it's not something that's recognized.
• 14:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: even within our communities because there's no cast roles that come time doesn't get to stop.
• 14:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: You still continue on with your life, even though you're grieving the loss of this relationship.
• 14:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's this person still existing and other people still get to enjoy their presence.
• 14:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't.
• 14:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that overwhelming sadness and grief is heavy.
• 14:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those are with their heaviest probably.
• 14:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 14:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I want to know, was there a turning point for you spiritually or emotionally where God began to shift your perspective or begin healing in your heart?
• 14:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because obviously, if you're helping others, you yourself have experienced a level of healing.
• 15:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So tell me about that.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: What did God do?
• 15:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like the Lord really revealed to me that this is, number one, I started on that stage and dedicated all of my children and what I'm walking out and what other moms are walking out in this arrangement is this is what it looks like to let them go and trust that God's got them.
• 15:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're his before their mind and this is the ultimate
• 15:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: test with it for a back at lack of better word of that and that I trust him even if there's no repair and so yeah there's been this healing and and also that this how often does the Lord feel like this with us like how often the moment like God no I don't want to have that conversation right now I'm not ready leave me alone
• 15:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I go on my merry way without him.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I leave him back there.
• 15:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it just was this eye-opening experience of what I do to him all of the time.
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then the more that I read the Bible, and with this whole book is full of dysfunction, whole faith.
• 16:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's every whole thing, a whole dysfunction.
• 16:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: So why am I shocked when my family has some dysfunction?
• 16:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I should not be.
• 16:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I need to do is go back to Lord.
• 16:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And okay, God, here we go.
• 16:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: What are we gonna learn?
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's not a lesson, this is it, I don't think there's a lesson in everything, but I like to try to find it.
• 16:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I won't.
• 16:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's make good use of this time.
• 16:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I wanted, I realized how quickly this pain and sorrow and grief could swallow me up.
• 16:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't want that to happen.
• 16:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to come out the other side better.
• 16:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to use this time because this time is going to pass regardless.
• 16:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whether I reconcile with my daughter or not, I still have a life to live, and it is easy for me because I have three boys at home.
• 17:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: It might be a different story if I was my only child, and I didn't have kids at home, but I still had to, I still have to show up and still, I have to have a full life.
• 17:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: that needs my attention and my heart doesn't mean that it'll mourn that, you know, her, but I still needed to heal in order to be the mom that my boys needed me to be, and that God's called me to be by being their mom.
• 17:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so...
• 17:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: it was really beautiful just this brokenness and then the Lord being able to piece it back together of yeah look like this is just feel like all those revelations of this is what I feel like or look at the Bible and all these things and it just made it easier to know how I wanted to use this time and that I wanted to use it and be healed because when reconciliation does happen I want to be able to be even better I want to be more solid and who I am
• 17:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: The other thing that I feel and this is something I feel like you and I've talked about is I feel like the Lord revealed to me how much we put our worth in motherhood and in our kids and Those aren't for sure the only thing I should be putting my worth in is Jesus and Realigning that and coming back to that whether reconciliation happens or not I know who I am.
• 18:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know who's I am.
• 18:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know my worth.
• 18:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know my value and
• 18:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I get to have a relationship with my daughter at some point, gosh, that's going to be amazing if it's going to be such a blessing, but even if I don't, I know who I am, and so God's been really gracious and revealing those things to me.
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
• 18:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what I hear you saying is, you're looking for the lesson.
• 18:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: For me, it looks like refinement.
• 18:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: What is the passage?
• 18:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's what this is.
• 18:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, God is refining moms.
• 18:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Would we have ever chosen this path?
• 18:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, no, I'm feeling not.
• 18:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, God is doing that.
• 19:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: God is bringing such beauty.
• 19:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I love the hope that you have.
• 19:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love that you understand this identity is not in our motherhood.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's in who the Lord says we are.
• 19:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right, deemed love.
• 19:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Chair is chosen.
• 19:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: secure in him and rebuilding that identity is so important.
• 19:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I want to know then at what point did you feel God prompting you to step into mentoring other strange mods?
• 19:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: How did that happen?
• 19:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: What did that like?
• 19:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh gosh.
• 19:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I did not expect it.
• 19:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's for sure.
• 19:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I put a random real out on Instagram.
• 19:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: vague because they didn't even know the word the word a strange but was at the time one of our boys plays competitive soccer So we're on the soccer field a lot and so it was like some vague and those we've played with the same team for six years So those moms know all of my kids and so it was a random Saturday and some mom was like
• 19:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: How's your daughter?
• 19:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I just stood there and I thought, gosh, I'm such an open book and vulnerable person that I want to just be like, but in word vomit, all of these things, but also this is a Saturday.
• 20:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're doing drawing soccer.
• 20:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, she doesn't want to hear all of this.
• 20:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I just stood there and thought, I'm just going to say, she's good.
• 20:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because I'm sure she is.
• 20:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: and but I have no idea why I would talk to her but and so I made this vague post about it and it went viral and it was heartbreaking in the sense that I haven't found a better way to describe it except for people maybe who are in recovery but it was just people started commenting and it gets me emotional every time because they just started commenting and saying 13 years.
• 20:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: ten years, three years, 20 years, four of my, and it was just like these years of how long it had been since women had talked to their kids, and I was shocked.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have been through other seasons of grief and pain and valleys with a Lord where I was raised in the church, but I really don't like like Christianity's like the time.
• 21:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I, and I don't like how things, I like things broken down because I don't know if you've been in church or if you haven't been in church and so let's break it down so everybody can understand it and there's always just a assumption that if you've been in church you know there's these terms and these things that you use because you've been in church all your life and I had been in valleys where even prayer felt hard because I was angry but that felt wrong because I'd never heard anybody say you're allowed to be angry.
• 21:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so then it felt like I couldn't pray or I couldn't read my Bible because you're not supposed to be angry at God so there's something wrong with you So obviously don't read your Bible and pray is like the logical not that's when my resorted to and I just put that to paper and I started writing and created this devotional that I hoped if moms were feeling stuck in I don't I'm so angry I or I'm so hurt or I'm lost in this pain and suffering I don't even know how to get my way back to the Lord that like okay like I'm not been the Bible school.
• 21:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not
• 21:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Theologist, but like I could we could do that.
• 21:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's where it started and then I felt like the Lord Calling me to the community to start this community, but I didn't want it to be on social media Because what you don't realize until you're walking through a strange event is that Facebook is terrible.
• 22:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: The Facebook memories
• 22:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And other people, all your friends that have kids the same age and they're getting to celebrate these milestones that you're missing, it can be really painful to get on there.
• 22:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I didn't want to be on social media.
• 22:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I had to figure out how do you do that without it costing five million dollars and all of you think and
• 22:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: It just, I, like I said, when we, when I first jumped on this call, I do think my vulnerability is a gift.
• 22:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the Lord has given me that gift and the gift of expressing it in a relatable way and speaking to those feelings because I'm walking to it.
• 22:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to weigh that that women can resonate with.
• 22:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's totally even terrifying and my whole theme since I started doing this is a Lord if I feel like it's like I'm going to throw up because I'm nervous.
• 23:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's my sign to just say yes because I realized it was process how much fear was stopping me from opportunities or because why would he use me and I just realized it was opportunity.
• 23:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's neat.
• 23:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is the classic saying?
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: He quips the called
• 23:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: not cause the equipped or something.
• 23:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, I, it's true.
• 23:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Part in the thunderstorm while we're recording.
• 23:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, God, just going.
• 23:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Go girls, just going.
• 23:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're doing this.
• 23:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
• 23:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you created this community.
• 23:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that moms wouldn't feel alone and I have that and you know that it resonates it resonates because it's like an epidemic in our culture.
• 23:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is just the epidemic where we use to have conversations and resolve conflicts.
• 23:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now this generation has just said nope.
• 23:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Nope.
• 23:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're just, we're cutting you off.
• 23:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hear the social media is very, it's not a place that you can express the complexity of a straight and so my comment section is always so full of a kid saying or people saying kids don't cut parents off for no reason and every kid has a reason it's just that they're what used to justify a cut off.
• 24:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: was these abuse and a real talk, right, trauma and true toxicity, all these things, and now those words are being weaponized and what it's created is a culture that can't sit in the discomfort.
• 24:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're having a hard conversation and recognizing the value that relationships are hard and messy, every single one.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: But they're important and valuable and I value that person that I'm willing to engage in a hard conversation and the messiness because I want to be in relationship with you because you matter to me.
• 24:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And there's been the shift in that ability to sit in the discomfort of those conversations.
• 24:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's really evident among moms walking through a strange movement.
• 24:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, for the mom listing right now, who feels rejected can fuse to our heart broken over his strangement?
• 24:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: What would you want her to know about God's presence in her role as a mom in this season?
• 25:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh God, he's so gracious to you.
• 25:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he will meet you in that pain.
• 25:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: If he feels far, he's not far.
• 25:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's sometimes he's quiet, but that's, you search for him.
• 25:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't stop searching for him because he's there.
• 25:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he's waiting and he's so good.
• 25:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, he's so good.
• 25:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he will heal those wounds because even if your kid comes back, when you're, I'm trying to change my vocabulary.
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: When your child comes back and you have reconciliation,
• 25:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: That doesn't necessarily heal everything.
• 25:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need the Lord to come alongside you and you need healing specifically from the Lord.
• 25:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's nothing on Earth that will compare.
• 25:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, there might need to be a men's maid, but they're still because
• 25:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: of how he nests together as mothers and the way that our hearts are made, we need healing from our Father in order to enter into the relationship with our kids in a healthy manner.
• 25:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's what I hope.
• 25:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that all moms walk through a strange minute.
• 26:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: use this time to heal so that when their kid comes back around, they're not as raw and vulnerable because we're moms and our hearts are shattered.
• 26:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if we go to the father to have him heal us and rebuild us,
• 26:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then we have his covering when we go into those relationships again so that we're open because our kids are going to have hard things to say.
• 26:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's no way around it.
• 26:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're going to have hard things that's going to be hard for us to hear.
• 26:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even if it's reading to reconciliation, they have feelings.
• 26:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: This didn't happen for no reason.
• 26:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: In the sense that there's been a disconnect.
• 26:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's going to be hard feelings.
• 26:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have to be prepared to hear those.
• 26:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if you don't do the work in the waiting.
• 26:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're not prepared for that.
• 26:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're not setting yourself up for when that reconciliation happens.
• 26:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: So use this time well to heal Yes, use this time well to heal.
• 26:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's what it's for.
• 26:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
• 26:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: What is for and the Lord is so for you, Mava.
• 27:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: He is so for you Yes, I want you to just snuggle in close
• 27:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I want your anger.
• 27:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and that's fair, too.
• 27:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's to bring all of your feelings.
• 27:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't try to hide any of it.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't sugarcoat any of it.
• 27:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: He knows where you're at and what if this is supposed to be part of your testimony?
• 27:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's part of mine.
• 27:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would have never known this is how the Lord was going to use it.
• 27:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: But
• 27:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: What if what's easy for us to say that I say a lot that this is my daughter's testimony.
• 27:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just, the Lord is going to use it in some way, whether leads to reconciliation for us or not.
• 27:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just, that's my prayer, but what if for the small listening, the Lord's, this is part of your testimony, what if he's healing you and he's taking you to a new depth that you wouldn't have gone to without a strangement so that you can learn more about him so that you, what does that mean for you and your family and other people you interact
• 27:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Amen.
• 27:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the bottom line.
• 27:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Nicole, thank you so much for sharing your story with such honesty and compassion.
• 27:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know your words will bring comfort and clarity to so many moms walking this road.
• 28:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to tell my listeners where they can connect with you online and how to get your resources.
• 28:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: My website is Nicole Coats, and it has, it's, it's, my last name has an ES, and they try to, I don't know, make it complicated.
• 28:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Nicole Coats.com, and I am pretty active over on Instagram under Hey girl.
• 28:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's Nicole herself.
• 28:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Wonderful.
• 28:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And also I'll leave the link to your community.
• 28:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yes.
• 28:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: The community is on an app called Circle, so it's like it's at outside of social media, so you don't have those triggers for life.
• 28:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it's perfect.
• 28:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Perfect.
• 28:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'll leave all those links in the show notes.
• 28:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sinks.
• 28:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So here's your coaching tip of the week.
• 28:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 28:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 28:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to think about this.
• 28:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes in the
• 28:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this week, I want you to do is to take one step towards him, go to him if you're mad then you go ahead and swear, we have an evangelist at church this Sunday and he said, I'm sick of you religious people.
• 29:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes you just got a swear and I love that.
• 29:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do that.
• 29:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know isn't afraid to say that I'll out.
• 29:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I was like, I love that.
• 29:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've walked through a really hard year.
• 29:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I said, I have sworn more this year than ever.
• 29:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, because there's something bubbling up in there that I need to deal with.
• 29:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
• 29:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Side note.
• 29:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you, Mama, just move closer to God.
• 29:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you step closer to him, he immediately comes rushing to you.
• 29:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Amen to that.
• 29:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And to the mom listening today, if this episode stirred something in your heart, I want you to know this, your story is an over.
• 29:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Even in the silence, even in the distance, God is still moving.
• 29:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: If this episode encouraged you, would you take a moment to text it to a friend?
• 29:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just look at that share button and when you share the episode with a mom, it helps more moms find this conversation.
• 30:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Grace and peace, Mama.
• 30:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: You've got this and God's got you.
• 30:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 30:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: My hope is that you leave each episode feeling encouraged, grounded, and clearer.
• 30:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Clearer about what you're feeling, what God may be stirring in you, and how to move forward in the season of the empty nest.
• 30:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Through these conversations, I'm not just sharing stories, I'm coaching you, helping you name what's happening beneath the service, challenging the thoughts that keep you stuck and take intentional steps toward peace and confidence as a midlife mom.
• 30:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're ready to go deeper and want personalized coaching support, I invite you to apply for coaching.
• 30:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Coaching is a focused one-on-one space where we work together to gain clarity, process emotions, and discern what God is calling you to in this next chapter.
• 30:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: You'll find the application linked in the show notes, and let's stay connected.
• 30:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can find me on Instagram at PHinkleman.
• 30:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: that's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, or on Facebook at Pamela Hingoman, Emptinessed Coach.
• 31:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to figure out the season alone, Mama.
• 31:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Support and direction are possible, and I'm here when you're ready.