Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 146. How Losing Friends Post Divorce Can Actually Be A Blessing

Transcript

146. How Losing Friends Post Divorce Can Actually Be A Blessing · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Hi love.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Today we are going to tackle the benefit of losing friends during divorce.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: In fact, I would say, if you haven't lost any friends during this divorce, I am actually having my little spidey sense up, because it's almost a necessary part of the process.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Us Hi love.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: In today's episode we are going to unpack the necessary benefits of losing friends during divorce.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: But, of course, anytime there's an upside to something, there's also a downside.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: So we will touch on the very specific challenge that I think is the most significant, the one that needs our attention.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: That does need.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: It's a problem that needs to be solved right.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: We will talk about the important challenge downside of losing friends during divorce.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: And then we're going to hear from Tinsley, who wrote into our Getting Unstuck segment and she is really struggling with the idea that it is hard to be happy for certain people right now, certain friends right who are celebrating milestones.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: It is hard for her to feel happy for them, and we're going to unpack her challenge and help her get unstuck.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: So when you Google the, you know the idea of losing friends during divorce you get a lot of why it happens and there are a lot of fantastic explanations.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Actually, I was pretty impressed with what I found when I Googled why we lose friends, but I actually really wanted to highlight the benefit of it, because it really is an essential aspect.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: Now, when you decided to get divorced whether you wanted this divorce or not, right, you had a vision for your future.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: You had a vision of the woman you want to be, of the life you want to have, and what you were visualizing was certainly better than where you've been, and you had this idea of you know the man you were going to be with and the things you were going to do together and how you were going to do family and how you were going to do fun and how you were going to do hard things.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: You had this vision of what you wanted and the reality is is who you need to become in order to have that life that you visualize is different.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: She's different.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Your future self is a very different phase of you than your current self, and that transformative process involves shedding a lot of elements of your previous life.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: It involves shedding obviously, not just friends, but ways of relating to yourself and ways of relating to other people, and that's the beauty of this process is recognizing that what you're aiming for is greater than where you've been and that we can acknowledge that it's painful to let go of those things.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: There's loss, right.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: There's recalibration.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: There's who am I now?
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: What did each of these relationships mean?
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: If they're no longer intact, I think that the tendency is for us to go to that.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Why was I not worth it?
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Why didn't they fight for me?
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Why didn't they want to be with me?
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Place.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: But I think that's where we get stuck and where we go to kind of toxic grieving.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Right Is when we keep rehashing or rehearsing that losing these folks whether it was your ex or your friends or, you know, some of his family members or even your own family members right when you associate it with being because there's something wrong with you.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: That's when the process gets toxic.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I think that when we really look at it through, actually there's a life that I'm aiming for that is more aligned, that is more that where there's a greater depth right, where the marriage has a greater depth, where the friendships have a greater depth, where your relationship with your higher power and with yourself is more intimate and is more nuanced and is grounded in things that are really meaningful and true, then keep aiming for that love and take a moment to pause and have gratitude for those friendships and thank them for everything that they provided for you in that season, in that time, and, rather than be angry with them or disappointed in them or resentful for the fact that they moved on, really pause to find a moment of gratitude and acknowledgement that those relationships filled a need at the time, based on who you were at that season.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: You know, anytime I tackle a new big goal, it is a very valuable consideration to say what am I willing to let go of?
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: I've had coaches ask this of me what am I willing to let go of in order to have the thing I say that I want?
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: And I think that's where we need to get more and more honest with ourselves in this process.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: That actually letting go of certain friends is an essential part of our growth.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: That anytime we are going to tackle a massive transformation or massive growth, there are elements of our existing life that we have to be willing to let go of, and sometimes those things are friends.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's our ego.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's time and money that we have to invest in the process of transformation.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's our comfort zone.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: Right, we have to be willing to let go of what feels comfortable and familiar.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: That's one of the key pieces.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: Right Is being willing to let go of things that are holding us back, and typically those things that are holding us back.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: You know, we keep in mind right how we talk about vibration.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Everything is vibrational.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: There is a very real science to to losing friends during divorce.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: If we are really working on manifesting a new life and we are working on raising our vibration, understanding that everything that we attract is based on our current vibrational state, then it only makes sense that you know what we're attracting at various seasons of our life are going to be a reflection of where we are now.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Sometimes that's because when we're in a grief state, we're a very, very low vibe and people who are in a more positive place may not be able to sit with that right.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: But I think that most people who have done enough work integrating their own pain and processing it and letting it go.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: They have no problem sitting with you when you're in pain, right?
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: So it's a good kind of calibration is to know that people who have made peace with their own pain are pretty good at holding space for yours, and that's what we really want to start attracting and noticing about friendships, right?
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: And so let's get into the very real problem with losing friends during this season.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: It's a season where you've just lost half of your resources, right?
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Whether that's time or money or space, and maybe friends or support system.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: In a time where you are feeling like you have less, even though you have this opportunity to create so much more.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: You have less even though you have this opportunity to create so much more.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: You're dealing with a profound feeling or sensation that you have less of certain resources, and it is true that when we are struggling, we need a robust support system.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: You know, anytime you ask a professional what one of the key elements of grieving or moving through hard or painful circumstances would be, they would say you need a support system, right?
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: Like surgeons, when they're clearing someone for surgery, one of the things they check for is how strong is this person's support system?
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Do they have enough support to be able to handle all the post-surgical complications and to move through those in a healthy way.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: So support system is a massive way that we get better when we are in a healing process and I think that when you've lost longtime friends, that having that support and family members right, having that support system is key.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: And I know this is one of the reasons why I dove hard into the healing world right when you hear me talk from time to time about Al-Anon and how I really used that phone list.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: In an Al-Anon meeting I called people when I needed help right, whether it was I needed a picture hung or I needed to go to the hospital because of the chronic illness I was dealing with.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: I really did.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: I picked up the phone and I called people, which wasn't easy, but I joined a women's therapy group and used that phone list too.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Some of my dearest friends today, two of whom actually guested in our Mother's Day special, I met during my divorce in either group therapy or an Al-Anon meeting, and they're women who have been by my side and me by theirs through and through since those moments in time.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I think one of the struggles with meeting new friends in this season of life is, you know people who are also, who get what you're going through right.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: They're also struggling.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: They're also in pain.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Those friendships can sometimes feel very, very heavy right.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: If they are dealing with the same things you're dealing with.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: It can be very, very tempting to spend your time talking about what sucks right now rather than what is working.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: There can be bad habits around gossip and commiserating together, that idea that misery loves company, and that's not what I want for you, right?
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: I want you building relationships where you are each encouraging each other to grow and to reach for things and to make decisions that your future self will be immensely proud of you for.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: So I want you seeking friendships that are people who are also learning to process their losses and integrate their pain and deal with themselves right and to really grow.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: I want this to be a season of you attracting other women who are growing and who are making decisions that their future self also would be proud of them for.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: And it can be tricky to find those people right.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: That's one of the reasons why we created our group program for women to have safe spaces right A curated group of women who you know is going to be a safe place for you to share.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: You know that the focus is going to be positive, and one of the things that we built into the program so intentionally was play and fun and time for socialization, and not a complete and total emphasis on transforming your pain, because so much of our pain is automatically transformed when we are playing, we are laughing, we are connecting, we are in community.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: It's just a natural medicine for any sort of pain.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Is that positive peer culture?
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: And so that's why it has such an emphasis in our program, because love, if your support system right now is too small or too negative, that's also an issue.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: So I want you to really set the intention to reach for positive women and to go find them and to say yes to things and to try new things.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: So let's dig into Tinsley, who wrote in and said it is hard to be happy.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: And oh man, do I relate to Tinsley's season in that for me, when I was getting divorced, I was younger, right, I was in my 30s and I hadn't had kids yet, and so baby showers were the hardest thing for me and I would go right and I would buy a gift and I would be positive, but it was very, very painful and there were many a times where I had to step out of a baby shower and go cry in a corner and pull myself together and come back.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: But, since we said, it is very hard for me to be happy for people right now, people who are getting engaged or getting married or having babies, and it feels like a gut punch every time I see it on social media, which is why I deleted my socials.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: How do I not get triggered or feel bitter every time I hear or see someone else celebrating their joy?
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I think Tinsley's question is really, really, really relatable, especially in the way that social media triggers us to compare ourselves.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: Gosh, we have become such a culture of comparing ourselves to other people and, tinsley, you asked how do I not get triggered or bitter?
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: So I would say it's not that I don't want you to get triggered, I actually want you to run with the triggers.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Triggers are actually beautiful opportunities and pockets of kind of healing opportunity for us.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: When we get triggered, that's when we need to use a tool like our EFT tapping or immersive journaling or bilateral stimulation that we use in EMDR, or to write down some symptoms that we're experiencing, what the trigger feels like and share it with our therapist.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: Do some embodiment work, right, really get into the body and process, process, process.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Those feelings, scream, stomp.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: You know, maybe not in the middle of the baby shower I'll be, but I actually celebrate triggers.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: It's like a super sadistic thing.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: A therapist would say, right, but how do I not get bitter?
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I think is the key question, and I think bitterness comes from us doubting what is possible for ourselves.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: Right, it's the idea that you get to have something that I don't get to have, I think is really kind of the core of where bitterness comes from, because if I trusted and believed that I could have the thing I don't think I would be so bitter.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: I think I would be feeling impatient, I would be feeling disappointed, I might be feeling sad, I might feel a little jealous, right.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: But bitterness is like ah, you get to have something I don't get to have.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: And I think that's where we have to dig deeper in our faith and dig deeper in our belief systems and really take a look at where our negative beliefs are dictating how we're perceiving the world around us.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: The more I do the subconscious work with EMDR, eft, homeopathy, you name it, you know, removing energetic blocks, really seeing how our negative beliefs pair with our reticular activating system and dictate how we perceive the world.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: Ooh girl, I cannot emphasize enough how much bitterness is a direct outcome of negative beliefs.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: And so I think the key is, when you see those people who are having celebrating joyous occasions, right, what is the negative belief that is unfolding there?
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: That you can't have what you want, that you're not good enough, that you're not worth it or lovable, or back to, you can't have what you want.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I think that's it.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I think that's probably the most common negative belief.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: When we are comparing ourselves to other people is like, well, I guess they just have it better, right, and I just I got dealt a set of cards, and I want to really encourage you, tinsley, that that is just not the case.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: And if you are serious about wanting certain things in your life, then I want you to write those things down.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: What is it that you're seeing other people have that you're afraid you can't have?
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: Write them down and then ask yourself who are you willing to become in order to manifest those things?
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: What work are you willing to do?
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: What are you willing to give up in order to have those things that you say you want.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: I promise you loves that.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: That process of transformation takes time on purpose because we think, oh gosh, it would be so much easier if I just had all this money in the bank and I had this perfect partner and I had this life right.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: But who you are today and who you will be when you have those things is a process of transformation and it is a process of rewiring your subconscious mind and re-acclimating your nervous system.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: And when it happens all at once, it is very uncomfortable.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: That's why people who win the lottery more often than not end up in poverty again down the road because they were not adequately equipped to handle the experiences that came with that much abundance.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: And so it is a process of expanding your capacity for abundance, expanding your capacity for, you know, solid relationship for having abundance right, like if your nervous system, if your belief system, is more attuned to negative things.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: You know I've been telling the story lately how I got blessed with this beautiful birthday gift from my neighbors and it made me so aware of the places where I was still uncomfortable receiving and it's such a funny thing to retell you.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: But, tinsley, that's what I really want you taking a look at is where are you still uncomfortable receiving?
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: What I really want you taking a look at is where are you still uncomfortable receiving?
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Where are you still doubting what's possible for your life?
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: And get work.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Get busy working on reprogramming those negative beliefs into positive beliefs.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: I would love to hear how it goes, or what you discover when you find you know which negative beliefs you've really been leaning into.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: All right, so in today's episode we talked so much about the actual benefit of losing friends that it is a necessary step in the process of transforming from who you have been to who you want to be, that there is actually vibrational you know quantum science behind shedding.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: When we are transforming into something new, we are transforming into something new, and we did acknowledge that there is a real challenge to overcome around needing a powerful support system that is focused on positivity and growth.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: And we also learned that for folks who are really feeling triggered around people who are celebrating joy, the problem isn't the trigger right.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: The problem is the negative beliefs contributing to the bitterness.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here, for believing in yourself enough, for having enough courage to make this transformation, to do this hard work.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Peace.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by MyCoachDawn.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: You can find more at mycoachdawncom.