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S2 Ep29: The Mommy Manual/ A Stand-Up Guide · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Answer mommy, are we good?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, good.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Look at you, Pigtails.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you training for Epstein's Island?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Look at you, Epstein Alina.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: How are we?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are we drinking?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are we on drugs?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Any drugs?
• 0:21
  unknown: Yeah.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, who's scared now, bitch?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Girls, antidepressants count.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I Zola force?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: No?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: You girls look young.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Do you do drugs?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: You look Gen Z.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: You do a little ketamine, little iPad, little ketamine, little iPad.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Little Gen Z special.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: How old are you?
• 0:42
  unknown: 22.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: 22?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna kill myself.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're 22! Do you even know what retinol is, bitch?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you, okay?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm putting retinol in my ass at this point.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm literally butt chugging retinol.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're 22! Wait, let me get a gauge of the room.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Clap if you're Gen Z.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Embarrassed, you should be.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Clap if you're millennial.
• 1:06
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: You hear that?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's recession energy, okay?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Put your back into that.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have a Gen X?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Did your stretches this morning?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're so energized.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have a boomer?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: We are gonna have to kill you.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's okay.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You had a good run.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna have to sacrifice you for the next five minutes.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry, the gods must feast.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: The other day I did a show and a 22-year-old girl, truly right here, she goes, You look just like my mom.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I'm putting a shotgun in my mouth tonight.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your mom?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm your mom, you're fucking grounded, bitch.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Your mom! I've just been getting older.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Which I wasn't necessarily expecting.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: As I fuck with my tie.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I looked cool, and someone backstage told me I looked like a cater waiter.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So sort of still digesting that.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, it does feel over.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel like I'm gonna chug out five more months on hinge and then just pass peacefully at this point.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like the moment I get off stage, I'm going right back on dialysis.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like it does feel over.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that because sometimes when I'm using my vibrator, I'll move that over and start massaging my hip out.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I think I mean that means it's over, okay?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I do hip, I hit the back, I do a little neck, and then right back to it.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: That is true.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm just like, I'm not the well-oiled machine I once was.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've burnt the clutch.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a Honda.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's fine.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's a family car, right?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I used to be a fucking Lexus.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Look at you.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be shiny new, and now I'm a Honda.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like I used to have to go to a specialty mechanic, and now any guy in a union could just figure me out in his garage.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I'm at, okay?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fucking rusting, man.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm rusting.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I can't drink beer anymore.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's done.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's new.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's over.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Can you drink a beer in my suite?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: She's like more like an IPA.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I can't drink a beer anymore.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what happens when I drink a beer?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to guess.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I ship my pants.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I fully ship my pants.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can't be like the cool girl on a date anymore that's like, I'll have a point.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's done.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's over.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now I go on a date.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I say, you, go get me a vodka ginger ale, okay?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'm gonna do a line of a modium, and I'll meet you back here in 10 minutes.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's my love life now.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, I can't tell um, though, if the shitting the pants is like an age thing or just that I'm Jewish.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: But it does feel like a combination.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like a BOGO.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what a BOGO is?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Buy one, get one.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Write that down.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Write that down.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna want to know that.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't it crazy that I'm a Jew?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I look like a Nazi.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: During the Holocaust, if they came to my door, I'd be like, come on, and they'd be like, you're close enough.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't think I look like a Nazi per se, but I do think I look like the girlfriend of all the Nazis.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see that?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like during the Holocaust, I'm complaining in a nail salon, getting little swastikas on my nails, you know?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, my boyfriend is so busy these days.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: He's like working all the time.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what's going on.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I wear a shirt that says Jador Hitler.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like that would be my little look.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see that?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Tube Top bedazzled.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know how girls go like this?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, shut up! I'd be so cute during the Holocaust.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I love when people get offended at that.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, it must be nice to have cousins in Europe.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: All my cousins are just a pile of shoes.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: That was dark.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: That was dark.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can you even see me behind this?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Be honest.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I do want to say quickly, that's my type.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And teeth have never been a priority for me.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm 30.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say that yet?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: 30?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are you 30?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: No?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: How old are you?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: 33.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: How are you feeling?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Little susu?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Little suicide side?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Suicide Alina?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's hard.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: 33 is hard.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: 30's weird because you're like, you feel like you need to start getting serious.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm wearing this tie.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm like, do I grow a mustache, start a business?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what do you do?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the week I turned 30, I felt like I needed answers.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to a psychic with Tourette's on Long Island.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Has anyone ever been to her?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: God, I'm waiting for the day.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was so funny.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, sometimes like therapy doesn't work anymore when you get older and you have to go to an oracle.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like it gets dark suddenly.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was so funny.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was um$300 cash cash.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was a four hour drive.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, she'd talk like this.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So she was like, Kim here, sit down, shut up.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I need to convene with the ancestors.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And she had Tourette, but she had a very specific tick where she kept going, fuck yeah, hell yeah, every few minutes, but then kind of telling me depressing shit.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it didn't match.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd be like, Am I gonna find love?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, not for another four years.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck yeah, hell yeah! I was like, fuck yeah, hell yeah.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck yeah, hell yeah.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: No, I am getting older, and I know you guys are looking at me like you're gorgeous.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: What's the issue?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you for bringing that up.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: With my face and my body, but it's like, it's not the outside that's the issue.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: The outside is being actively medically frozen at this point.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like Walt Disney at this point, I'm freezing.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have so much Botox right now that my head feels like a dead tooth.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's getting heavy, too.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm walking around like.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Are you gonna age naturally?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Girl, why?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: We've been to the moon.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: The science is there.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Freeze.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: The only way you're gonna know my age is if you cut me in half and count the rings.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's my plan.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: That is my plan.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get so much.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get so much that I don't even look human anymore.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I just look like the predator with tits.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I come around the corner at the nursing home like every male attendant thinks, I would.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to, but I would.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get so much.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get so much Botox and filler that you're not gonna be able to bury me anymore.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're just gonna have to shoot me into space.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's my plan.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you put me in the ground, I'll contaminate the soil.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're just gonna have to throw me into the ocean with the rest of the world's plastic.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the moment I hit the water, I will kill a turtle.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that's my promise.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that is my oath.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Are there gay people in here?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh! How guy?
• 8:16
  unknown: Pretty A.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty A?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: 100%?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: What's your percentage?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, definitely 100%.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: You've never even seen one.
• 8:22
  unknown: Never.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: You've never seen one.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: C-section baby.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh! Platinum! Wow! We're in the presence of royalty, do you understand?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Amazing stuff.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I came out as by this year.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Any by?
• 8:38
  unknown: Woo!
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: We put you in the back.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, figure it out, figure it out in the back.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I came out as bi, which means I'm still half in the closet.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's a walk-in.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And um I had sex with a woman.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Two girls?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: What the gay, gay, gay, fucking gay.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I ate pussy, right, my guy?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: What's up?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, eating pussy is so much better than sucking dick.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: They're not teaching this in schools, but I swear, write that down too, honestly.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because sucking dick, I think we could all agree, by law, violence against women, right?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's at the very least minor surgery.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're putting something in your mouth, you can knock out a molar.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's a fucking physical threat, okay?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I still give blowjobs, like I said, I'm bi.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I still give them.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: They are not good.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: They are not good.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're not bad.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: They're just not like creative.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not making a lot of big choices with my blowjobs.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I give like a standard, I give like a medical blowjob at this point.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just a medicinal beach, just in and out.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm like, your copay is$60.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I do not take Blue Cross Blue Shield.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So out of pocket BJ.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And they're quick too.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: The moment a dick touches my mouth, I'm like, 30, 29, 28, 20.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Eating pussy is just different.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's just a lot more going on when you eat pussy, you know?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're looking dead in a vagina.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I'm looking at you, but I am.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: When you're looking dead at a pussy, you're like, whoa.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: It does feel like a a portal to hell.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like you're walking into a room, a dark room, the lights are off, but the door's already open, and you're like, Hello?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Is anyone in here?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I did not make her come.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right, my guy?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: How are you?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's hard.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And straight women were so pompous, we're like, make me come, fucking Google it.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's so hard.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing it, I was like, I can't practice code.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm in a frat.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you how do you do this?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: I wanna have a threesome that I'm now that I'm by.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Has anyone had a threesome?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: The gay guy?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, bitch, I've done worse, okay?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had a threesome?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Would you?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Don't look at him, look at me.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck is that?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me, look at mommy.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Would you?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Are you Catholic?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: What's the issue?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't know.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Don't look at him.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Do not look at him.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Your friends?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: No, you're fucking.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you're like if you're consulting with him, he's not your lawyer, so you're fucking.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: What do you have a threesome?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: No?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Girls, come here.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Live.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Live.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: It gets dark.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Live.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: The big question when you have a threesome that I've been asking myself, and I'll ask you, okay?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't fucking look at anyone.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is do you do two guys, one girl, or two girls, one guy?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: No one answer.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Don't.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Look at mommy.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's a correct answer.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 12:02
  unknown: Two girls.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Two girls.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because two guys, what do you have?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: A fucking death wish?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's insane.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you had sex with two guys, bitch, you got mugged.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's what happened.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: That was some mugging.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: One time I asked that at a show when a girl was like, three girls.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you're a genius, of course.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: When you have a threesome of three girls, one eats your pussy, and then the other one just French braids your hair.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you leave feeling safe.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, I think I'm gonna vote after this, actually.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I feel really good.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, I've been Gabby Bryan.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's my style.