Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / The FIRST THING you should do when your partner tells you they've been having an affair and want a DIVORCE

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The FIRST THING you should do when your partner tells you they've been having an affair and want a DIVORCE · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in software, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the World Tree people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're talking about the first thing you should do when you find out your partner has been having an affair and they are leaving.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: We talk a lot on the podcast about what to do if you're the one who wants to leave.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I realised we haven't talked a lot about being the one who's told how to respond, how to react when you're the your partner is the one who comes to you and says, I want out, it's over.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there's little more destabilizing message to receive packaged up like that when there's also a third party involved.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now I was asked this very question in an interview recently.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what you should do if your husband, if your wife, if your partner tells you they're leaving and then tells you there's a third party involved.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's the first thing you should do?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And my answer may seem counterintuitive, but I really, really strongly believe the first thing you should do in this situation is nothing.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this stands even if there is no no third party involved, but you're on the back foot if you're surprised by this news or taken taken by surprise.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing you could do you should do is nothing.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible that you're in shock, which means you're not actually accessing the parts of your brain that allow you to make considered decisions.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So don't make any decisions, don't make any snap judgments.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible that you'll say things in response, in reaction.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them you might perhaps not say if you'd had the chance to come to a more slow realization of what's been going on, let's say some things you might say that you you might say things that you may regret later.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, if at all possible, do and say nothing.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're on the back foot, or at the very least, your partner, your soon-to-be ex-partner, is a number of steps ahead of you on the pathway, and they're ready to move on.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they already have.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, regardless of the situation, the unique circumstances of your split, your divorce, there is almost always one person in the couple who is further ahead, one who's further down the path, and one who's a little step a few steps behind, or completely blindsided, so way back.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you are both, regardless of circumstances, committed to the most amicable split that you can create for yourselves, allowing the person who is behind, allowing yourself, if that's you, to catch up or allowing your partner to catch up to where you're at is crucial.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're the one who's been blindsided, the first thing you do is nothing.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: You take some time, you allow yourself that time to catch up.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be rushed either by your own emotions or by what your partner is demanding from you.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be rushed into making decisions on the spot, even if they want you to.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Also, don't blast it all across social media.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Don't key the car, don't shred their clothes or throw all of their belongings out onto the footpath, and don't go out and hire the first hot shot bulldog lawyer that you can find.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, you've been blindsided, and likely you feel as if everything you thought was real, your entire reality, your entire history is in fact not.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: That everything that you could rely on or you thought you could rely on is uncertain, thrown into question, everything you believed in is stripped out.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a wash in an ocean of untruths.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel like your whole world is spinning and it's out of your control.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: there is one thing that you can control, and that one thing is how you react.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So reclaiming your control will empower you, but first you need to take some time.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And here I am actually speaking about when a partner comes home and blindsides you with, I'm leaving and I've been having an affair and I'm leaving you for this other person.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You are grieving, you are angry, you're hurt, you're in deep emotional pain, and as I said earlier, you it's likely that you're in shock, and none of that creates a great space from which to you can make objective sound, big, life-changing decisions.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So do nothing.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Ask for and take some time, even if, as I said, your partner is pushing you to make fast decisions.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: If the even if they are making fast decisions, like they're out, they're gone.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Buy yourself some time.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Ask for and take some time for yourself, for your kids if you have them.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ask for time and a clear delineation between telling the children about the separation and introducing them to the new partner.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Take the time to process, to rage, to rail with anger, to sit in the sadness, to allow all of your feelings and emotions to rise.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And as I always say, to see each of those emotions right through to the end.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Allow them all to rise up and see each one of them, all of them right through to the end.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: So if your partner blindsides you with news that they're leaving, if your partner blindsides you with the news that they're leaving for another person and that they've been having an affair with this other person, the first thing you do is nothing.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: But then what?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then what do you do?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So here are your next best steps.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, and if you've been around here for a while, you've listened to a few podcast episodes, you know what I'm gonna say.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: First is deep, deep self-care.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Go really deep into self-care, whatever that looks like for you.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on you and focus on your own healing.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do what you need to do so that you can step forward to a point where you're able to make sound, objective, logical, rational decisions.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Go deep on your self-care.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing is create some calm, create some quiet, and take your time here.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than firing off angry or bitter comments on social media, just stay quiet.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Take the time you need to bring yourself to a place where you can react and respond in a way that best serves you.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever it takes to calm yourself, whatever you need to do to build quiet around yourself, create a peaceful haven.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Off social media if that's what it takes, time off work if that's what it takes, whatever it is that you need.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Escape to your mother's if that's what it takes, whatever it is, create a peaceful, calm, quiet space around yourself.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing to do is reach out for help and support.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Gather your support squad, ask for the help that you need.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: These are your catchers, your unpaid catchers, friends, family, colleagues, whoever that is.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Build that support network around yourself.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have kids, build it for them as well.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Who are those people that they will be able to turn to, lean on?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Who are the people that you can trust with your story, with your emotions, with all the big stuff, and who will be there to catch both you and your kids?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the support that you're going to need in a paid capacity.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Therapist, counsellor, see your GP, get a health check, um coach.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm gonna say coach, but before you start building your financial and legal supports.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Look after yourself first, the financial legal stuff comes next.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: But of course, I'm gonna say number four tip or number four step is money.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Money, money, money.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you have full visibility on your family's finances, on all of the you're across all of the financial resources of the relationship.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're if you're not currently, if you haven't been, now is the time.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't care whether you're listening to this podcast episode 10 years after the fact or you're in a relatively happy, stable marriage, although not sure why you'd be listening to this if that's the case, um, whatever, whatever your situation, have full visibility and full access to all of the financials of your relationship.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just before we dive into the second part of this episode, if there are things that are resonating with you in this particular episode, this is your invitation.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to jump on a free intro call with you to chat through coaching options.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's always a link in the bio to book a call directly in my calendar.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I'd love for you to do is to share this episode with anybody you know who might be supported by it.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Then the next step is legal advice.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now getting initial legal advice is different from lawyering up.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Getting initial legal advice is about educating yourself, not about bringing someone on who's going to fire bullets across the other side.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Arm yourself with the knowledge you need and choose your legal team wisely because it sets the tone of your separation and divorce.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's a whole other two podcast episodes at least, in terms of um what you need to think about when choosing your lawyer.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: You are going to need someone who is supportive and who has their eyes on the end game of the life that you most wanted to lead yourself once you're through this mud.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you're standing at the beginning of a slog through some hard stuff, but it's about what's on the other side, and that's where you need to focus.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: So you want to choose a lawyer who's focused on that, not focused on fighting in the mud.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: But they're focused on getting you through that muddy stuff, that muddy, messy middle part as quickly, as simply, and as as um, I was gonna say cheaply, as cost-effectively is the word, um minimizing all of the damage, minimizing the emotional damage, minimizing the financial damage.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you want someone whose focus is the end game, the end point, not the fight in the middle.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: So legal advice to choose well.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And the sixth step that you need to take or build into your practice, build into your life as you move through this messy middle bit is all about gratitude and thankfulness.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Which again sounds a bit crazy given where you're standing right now.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: But acknowledging that yeah, this is a really rough, shitty deal.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a shitty hand that you've been dealt.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: But one day you might just thank your ex-partner for this.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is your ticket to the life, the love, the relationship that you're most worthy of, the one you most want for yourself, the one you most deeply deserve.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So anchoring into gratitude for yes, what was, but also what's coming.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Gratitude for what is coming and thankfulness that you've actually been given this opportunity to step out and create something bigger, brighter, better for yourself.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that I'm discounting and dismissing the shitty part of being handed this ticket.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Not at all.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard, and that's why you need to build your support team, and that needs to include a therapist.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: It includes a counsellor, it includes someone who really deeply gets what you're going through and what you're processing.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And a coach working alongside a therapist, of course, I'm gonna say that helps.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So gratitude and thankfulness not only for what you had, but for what you're gonna create for yourself.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is a ticket.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's a gift, and if you can reframe it as a gift to choose and create the life you most want to choose, it can help you get through the messy, muddy middle part.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: But most importantly, go really gently, soothe your heart, soothe your soul, work on your healing, build your support network, take your time.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: These are big decisions and they have long-term impacts, whether that be about money or work or kids, who you tell, how you tell, these are really big decisions that can have long-term impact.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: So take your time, especially if you're the one who's been blindsided and on the back foot and you are further back down the path.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Educate and empower yourself financially, legally, know your options.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need a lawyer even?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a mediator will work for you.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so educate and empower yourselves on yourself on the processes and fill in the knowledge gaps.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: If that's financial gaps, financial literacy, let's build that up.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Really make sure that you have everything you need to make those solid sound objective decisions.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And also know that you don't have to do it alone.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: There are supports out there.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the podcast, yes, my coaching services, but there are lots of resources and support available to supports, I'm sorry, available to you to help you move through the messy bit to get to the other side.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this has helped.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: It is by no means a minimization of the deep pain, the deep grief, and the deep destabilization that a declaration of an affair can have on you.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And also there's hope, and also that there is another side to get to.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: You get through the messy middle, through the mud, and there is hope on the other side.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who needs to hear this, if someone in your life has been blindsided and need needs this message, even some point down the track, I would love for you to share it with them.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important that we rally around one another and support and uplift one another in ways to move us all through whatever our messy middle is to get to that other side.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know there is a whole heap of ways you could be spending your time, and I'm so glad that you've chosen to spend it with me.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Go gently, go well.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.