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WHY DIDN'T GOD SAVE ME · Blind But Now I See

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Back at it for another episode of the blobber n
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: C Podcast. I am your host FOBC Note the Hill, Ray,
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Charles Block, Poppy if you nasty, the Blonde Lightning, the
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: voice of the Disabls, the official Blond Stepper.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: And before we get into the.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Show, you know where we're at two sixty five Canal Street,
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• 0:18
  Speaker 1: with my favorite producer, engineer Wolf.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: You know in this grade. They said they liked that
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: too from the last episode. I like that.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I like that, but don't forget go on www dot
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• 0:38
  Speaker 1: And September twenty seventh, if you want to come out
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: and party with fobc No for my birthday bash, We're
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: in Brooklyn. Stay tuned for more information. Is going to
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: be crazy state of emergency the city.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: On dawn. I'm giving away free don Julios were going
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: crazy giving away the free Yeah, be giving away. I'm
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: giving one hundred shots.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I'm giving a bottle away every hour and I might
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: have that the DNA Nigga come through and perform and
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: give away a little more Dawns. We're going down crazy,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: so stay tuned for that. But this, this episode right
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: here is real interesting and I ain't gonna lie Wolf
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: pulling it out of me. Well, they said, Wolf bring
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: out my best creative work when I get deep into
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: my life and everything, and you know, and it's like
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: today we're gonna talk about God. You feel me like
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: I have a relationship with God before I got shot
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: and after I got shot, And it's kind of what
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: should I say? Me and God we put the boxing
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: gloves on, Like that's what I can say. It was
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: like a Mayweather and a Tyson two weight classes. But
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: it's like, no matter how hard you keep getting hit,
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: you got to just keep moving. You gotta keep moving,
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: you gotta keep like try to try to avoid the punches.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: And I felt like that's how me and God relationship
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: was over these past twelve years. I really felt God
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: failed me in the sense of I felt like, how
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: can you take my sight? Why you put me in
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: that place to get shot? And growing up, they always
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: told me God created life, and God roach your story
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: out for you before you was even born. I sat
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: there and saying to myself, why would you set me
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: up a failure?
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: Then? Why would you put me in a.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Predicament to lose my vision, to lose my sight, to
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: lose who I am by getting shot?
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: August twenty first. It's kind of fucked up to say it.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Say it's like, I felt like I feel like God
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: failed me, so I failed him and I stopped believing
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: in him. At one point in my life, I felt
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: like God would just old a three letter word like
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: dog and everything else. It's like, I'm praising this man,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: this nigga and there because that's how I thought about him,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Like this nigga is just a nigga word, Like what
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: the fuck I'm praising him for? And my family is
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: big on church. They always saying something old believe in God, this,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: that and the third. And I'm sit there saying to myself,
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: how can y'all believe in somebody that failed you, not
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: just once, but time at the time. Baby's dying, like
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: jobs can't Like you can't even get a job to
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: pay your rent. You don't know when food coming on
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: your table, but we still believing in this man. You
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: don't know when your next dollar coming in, but we
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: still believing in this man. I gave it all up,
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: this same chain I had on. It's crazy. I got
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: shot with this chain on the bullet hit, it bent
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: through and all I bent it back in place. When
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: I realized I wasn't gonna see it again, I.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: Took the chain off. I stopped believing. Well.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I actually popped the chain and said it wasn't it
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: was no need for me to wear this shit no
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: more because I gave up on him. It's like I
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: was a emt. I'm working, I'm doing God's work. I'm
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: helping people. That's what it was all about.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: Right. They say in the Bible like help one, like
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: help one another and all that. I don't know the Bible.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: I really can't quote it that much, but they said say,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: you know, but teach one, help one like yeah, that
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: mean help give your help in hand this that, and
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: the third like I feel like all I should be
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: living is a lie.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: I gave up because I'm like, who the fuck wrote
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: this Bible? When did it?
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: When did it was for them? There's so many different
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: versions of this copy. It's like, man, I felt like
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I could go home and create the Bible. I stopped
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: believing in it. People say, oh, you ain't going to
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: church for what? Oh, my grandfather all you gotta go
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: to First if you if you wan't go any other week,
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: just going to First wile so I give them my money.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: I looked at God, I looked at church. I looked
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: at all that shit as a scale do. It's like,
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: and it's fucked up to say, I feel like the
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: devil was whipping God ass. And you ever heard the saying,
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: I don't know if from God child or sayings angel
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: like that shit busting my head up, because it's like
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: when you out here in these streets and you doing
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: dirt and you're doing bad and you're not giving a fuck.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: It's like life keep going. It's like those are the
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: ones that keep escaping. But the men and I'm doing
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: something good, Bam, I got shot the men in. A
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: person turn their life over, bam, they lose a kid
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: a minute, a person work hard, bam, rent goes up.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: They don't know if they can pay rent or put
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: food on the table. I just felt like it was
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: just all bullshit. Everybody might be out there, Oh, how
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: can you think like that?
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: You still living?
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: You're still alive, am I glad Nor From one point
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: a time walth I felt like I was alive, but
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I was a dad. I felt like it was more
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: suffering being put upon me because like I'm waking up
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: every day in the dark.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: I'm going to sleep in the dark. You could call
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: it hell.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: They say, God gone shine the sun on you and
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: make life bright for you and everything.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: It's like, so, why the fuck I'm selling a doc? Then,
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: like what I'm doing.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I came home, I went to church, I got saved,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I got baptized, I got all this shit, and I still.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: Didn't feel like nothing was coming to me.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: So it was like, wow, I'm still getting on my
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: knees and praying to this man for my grandfather every
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: time I call him. I'm going through a problem, Like Yo,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of being in the dark. I'm losing his fight.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: He want to be on the phone and praying and praying,
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: and I used to just sit there and just say, okay,
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: another prayer.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: I'll wait till you finish. Till point I just stopped calling.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: To a point I'm getting threatened to go to church,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: and I'm in church day before, I'm drunk in church,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: eyes closed nine to know people pushing me wake up
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: this and he's like, woll I'm listening to this fucking word.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Oh oh, And I'm something like, oh what. He studied
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: his Bible and he gonna talk about my life because
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I'm like, no, God, God gave him descriptions to read today.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: God put these words in his mouth today. God delivering
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: the message. But I can't lie. Every time I go
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: in church, I feel like the pastor was talking to me.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: I felt like he knew I was coming. I felt
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: a lot of love and faith and believing in God
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: for the first eight years of me being blind.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: I've been blind for twelve years.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: In this episode, I'm gonna talk about the ups and
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: downs what I faced to regain my trust in God.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: I lost my faith in God after I got shot.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: I just became an EMT. Life was moving good for me.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: I was I turned my life over. I wasn't that
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: street personal more. I wanted to do right by people.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: I had my son that.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Just turned one, and it's like I felt like it
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: was more life out there for me to see him
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: growing up and everything else. And then that day it
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: felt like everything would just snatched away from me. I
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: felt like I was left on that floor to die,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: and it was like, God, you ain't interfere it, interfering it,
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: You ain't interception, You ain't intercept it.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: You ain't like what did you do?
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: It's like I was left on that floor to fight,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: and it's like I didn't have your support. I didn't
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: have your help. I didn't have your hand. I didn't
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: feel like you was dead and picked me up off
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: that floor. I didn't feel like you protect me. I'm
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: supposed to be guard as child, right, and they say
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: God protects what he created, and I felt like I
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: wasn't protected.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was left on that floor alone.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I felt like I fought the fight with them demons,
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: with that devil, all by myself, like blood spilling out,
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: losing sight. No, don't know if I'm gonna live or
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna make it. Don't know if I'm gonna see
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: my son again, don't know if I'm my mother ever,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: gonna hear my voice on that phone again, Not knowing
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: that that shit is mind bothering is.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: It's a lot. It's a lot to unpack.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: And the number one enemy I felt I had in
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: front of me was God, that man.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: Above because I lost all faith. It's like you failed me, bro.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: It's like you fail me. If I want to call it,
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: people like are you calling girl god? Bro? But father?
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: You felt me.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: So it's like, why would I put my trust in
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: you again? Why would I give you another opportunity to
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: tear me down? And in a minute, like I sat
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: there and said, let me just believe boom bown, I.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: Had to get my appentance remove. Now I'm in the hospital.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: I'm in more pain.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: They gotta do emergency surgery because they say if I
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: set there any longer, the poison would have went through
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: my body. And I'm like, damn, it is some God's child.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Can I really say I'm God child? Because why the
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: fuck I'm keeping it be put through? Why I'm keep suffering?
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: Why I'm keep going through pain? Every doctor I went
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: to and they told me I wasn't gonna see it
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: no more, I felt that that was more pain and
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: more defeat that I felt like God didn't step in
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: and put his hands on me. That's every time a
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: doctor sat there and told me I would never see
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: my son again.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: I took that as God, you didn't reach I didn't
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: grab me. So what is you using me for?
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Cause they always say and say, oh, all using you
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: for a reason, that's why he brought you back. So
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: what the fuck the reason is for. I'm still ain't
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: able to see I still can't see my son. I'm
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: still going through trauma, I'm still going through pain.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: I'm not hell. What is he using me for? God?
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: You helped me and that's how it moved on life.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: People like, oh, you got to put your fifth in
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: God and you gotta do this man back of my mom, Like, man,
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: fuck God, stop talking to me about this.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: Like I'm being all the way real with it.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: I might fuck go whiy y'all keep talking to me
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: about somebody that's probably not real. What did God do
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: to you, do for you that you felt he was
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: dead for you? I guarantee you as your life going
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: through hell and it's like where's your God at?
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: And you know what, Like you know, Nigga's gonna be
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: holier than now and act like they can't relate to this.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: But I feel like it's completely normal to like, bro,
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: like literally have a near death experience where your whole
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: life literally changed and it will never be the same level.
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: I feel like it's I don't. I'm not about to
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: judge nobody for questioning God after.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: That, and they said, there, you're not supposed to question. Yeah, yeah,
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: but you ain't never been through no shit. That's crazy.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: How many people lost the kid and you said this,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: sayd why meet God? I mean, how many people went
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: to the doctor and the doctor saying, say you got
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: cancer and you're saying, say why me God? How many
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: people was raped and you saying say why me God?
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: But this is the man that we sitting down be
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: praying to.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: Know that. I know the church people going like, oh
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: my God, how can you say that?
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: But this is my story, this is my life. You
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: wasn't there when that metal ripped through my head twice.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: You wasn't there when they went through my own. You
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: wasn't there when I.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Was crawling on my knees fighting for my life.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: You wasn't there that when my vision was going in
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: and out, and then of the last thing I seen
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: was my son picture on that phone.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: So you can't sit and tell me I'm not supposed
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: to feel like this.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I was in the back of that Inblans fighting for
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: my life, died on the way the King's County and
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: brought back to life. I was dealing a respirator for
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: three days, four days recovery. Don't know if I'm ever
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: gonna see again. What's gonna be my next move? Whereas
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: my life direction, my life going through you wasn't answer
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: don't question me, just like you're telling me, don't question God.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: I gave up on him. But that's life, I say.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: And I feel like you be able to question God.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes when you question them, the best
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: answers coming out of it. So maybe you're not looking
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: at it in other ways and other reasons because you're
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: just so angry behind it. But I questioned him. I
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: lost faith in him. I lost faith in the churches.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: I lost faith in the pastors. I lost faith in
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: people because I felt like we was told God would
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: never give up on you.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: God would never leave you. God will always be by
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: your side.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: And if I felt like God left me, so what
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: difference would it make by putting my faith in somebody
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: else and just waiting for the day that they're gonna
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: leave me? So I stopped believing in people. I lost
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: faith in people. God let me down while I'm gonna
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: sit around the way for y'all to do the same shit.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I felt like what happened to me, I didn't deserve it.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: I felt like I changed my life. I felt like
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: I was helping people. If I was going into a
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: fast food restaurant, I seen somebody hungry, I felt like
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: I went in my pocket and I made sure they ate.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I never I did community work, like I felt like
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: I was a changed person.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I took the EMT test to help people.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: It wasn't just a courage just like I went through
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: the classes that I felt like, this is what God
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: was telling me to do help people.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: I did EMTs.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: I wanted to help the people that was getting shot
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: on these streets, that was getting cut, the women that
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: was getting raped, I mean, and everything else. As EMT
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: is the first what would you say at EMT is
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: it's like, and I'm gonna lie this this this shit
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: is always touchy because it's like I put my all
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: into that EMT shit because I like, I wanted to
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: change people lives and all that shit. Because it's like
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I got family members that lost the light. So I
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: felt like I want if I can help by putting
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: in the f because and this shit always it fucks
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: me up, because every time I think about being an EMT,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: that shit fucks me up. I threw everything away that
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: belonged to the EMT Academy, my certificates and everything.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: I threw it all the way, all because I felt I.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: Was a better person. I wanted to be a better father.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I wanted to take my son to the parks and
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: push him on them swings. I wanted to teach my
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: son how to drive. I want to be there when
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: he go to prom. I wanted to see him walk
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: across that stage for graduation. I want to see my grandkids.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: I didn't deserve this, and then, believe it or not,
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: I would never get to do none of that. I
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: can't teach my son how to drive. It's like we're
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: both gonna be dad. I can't do that.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: I can't.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: I would never see my grandkids. I just gotta put
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: a picture to them.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: Shit.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm holding on to memories of my son, of
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: how he looked when he was one years old.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: He's thirteen years.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Old, dreads, and I know his features changed, but I'm
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: still holding on to that picture.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: I deserve this.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: Hell, No, I didn't deserve this. Who was this suffering.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: Being in the dark is suffering. I didn't deserve this,
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: and I don't wish this on my worst enemy. I
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: don't feel like nobody deserve to live life the way
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: I'm living life.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong. You see me.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: I'm smiling, I'm laughing, I'm having fun, I'm joking, I'm
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: in the clubs, I'm doing a lot. But at the
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: end of the day, when I'm behind that closed walls,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: I sit there and say, why me. I want to
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: be able to drive home and drive places. I want
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: to sit there and take my son to school. I
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: want to sit there at the table and look at
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: a problem and help my son and say, yo, you
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: did this wrong. So it's like I definitely didn't deserve this,
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: And it's like, what was the cause for, what was
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: the messaging for, what was the reasons for I didn't
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: have beef with that person that I wasn't in.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: The neighborhood that I wasn't supposed to be in. What
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: was the reasons for?
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: And I don't care when nobody's sitting and say I
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: don't deserve this, and nobody else do, so they can
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: sit and say and no, I ain't gonna lie well,
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: I hate when.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: People say and say God do things for a reason.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: I feel like losing my vision getting shot was never
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: a reason, and to this day, no matter how much
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: its scess, I got behind me due to me being
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: in a dark I still feel like it's not a reason,
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: So please stop saying that bullshit.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: God do things for a reason.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: I hate when people say and say God do things
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: for a reason, because it's like, all right, I was
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: on a path to doing what I wanted to do,
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: the EMT saving people lives and everything else. But God
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: doing things for a reason taking my sight, that's not
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: a real reason. Because now my son growing up with
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: a blind father, my nieces and my nephews gotta like
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: learn learn how to deal with me being blonde. That's
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: not a reason that God should have did for them.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: I feel like.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I feel like these kids suffer more than me
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: because it's like Uncle Chris, I want to do this,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: but then I gotta waste somebody else.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: Come. What was God reason for that?
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: My son calls me, I want to do this, this
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: and a third, but we gotta wait for your mother
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: to come in the house. What is God reason for that?
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I want to go somewhere. I got to see if
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: anybody is available to take me. What is God reasons
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: for that?
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Now I'm gonna go to the supermarket like everybody. You know,
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: I don't use my stick. I have my reasons why
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: I don't use it. I'm scared to step in shit,
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: that's number one. That's the biggest one. I'm not scared
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: to bump into nobody and none of that shit. But
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: it's like, what is God's reason? What does God reasoning
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: for that? I feel like there's no reason, And I
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: just feel like when the church say that, I feel
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: like it's just it's just talk.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: It's like I believe. I just feel like it's just bullshit.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: God's reasoning of why he put you in the dark.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: He wanted you to see something, Hm, So why he
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: couldn't like just tap me on the like, pop me
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: on my hand for me to see it.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: You got to take my whole vision away for me
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: to see the reason why God. Nah, that's bullshit.
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: Like you feel like if God wanted to teach you
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: something or put you on game, it's other ways.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Other ways.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Give me a leg shot to sit me down, shoot
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: me in my ass.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: Two to the hand, what's the reasons. What's my son
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: just turned on? What's the reasons? And not for not?
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: That's that's that's my biggest problem. My biggest beef with
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: God is you cheated my son. Mm hmm. That's my
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: biggest beef. You cheated my son because now I gotta,
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: I gotta, I gotta pay people to prepare him for basketball.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: When I could have been on.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: That court with him. I could have.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I could have been on that court when I'm playing ball,
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: even though we play, but it's like I can't see
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: to tell him what he's doing wrong. Your phone is wrong,
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: You're dribbled, like do this move?
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: Do that move?
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: You see how mellow on his son is Lebrown and
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: his son is why that couldn't be me and my son.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: That was my biggest beef for God, that I got
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: to depend on something like my mother got to take
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: my son.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: To school instead of me, take your daddy to school day?
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: Is more.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: It ain't like that for my son, take your daddy
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: and your grandmother the school day. Because why I got
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: to hold onto my mother when I leave, I'm walking
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: in with my mother and my son. So it's like
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: my son cheated for that shit but they say this
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: is god reason, right. I didn't deserve this at all.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: My anger and my hate was bigger than God. Why
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: would I say that? It's because I hated God so much.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: I was so angry at God that I didn't see
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: God doing the work on me. Every day, being in
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: the house, being in the dog. He was just preparing
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: me for a bigger battle. He was preparing me to
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: really take over the world. God felt I was bigger
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: than the emt. He said, Nigga, I want you to
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: save the world, saving people in New York City. That's
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: not big enough for you. I feel like your voice
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: is big enough. I feel like you got vision. You
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: just being blonded to the situation. And when I thought
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: about it, I said, Damn, I am saying like I'm
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: touching people in Ohio. I'm touching people and my yeah
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: in me Minnesota, North Carolina. And it's like, well, I'm
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: still beefing over touching people in New York City. So
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: God said, you want to be angry at me, you
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: want to have hate for me, Nigga, look what you accomplish.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: And that's when I said to sit down and think
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: like damn, Damn, damn, Damn, I was only an adult
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: because I was sitting on that couch. I was only
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: an adult because I was lain't.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: On that couch. But it was not trying to make
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: no moves.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: But I felt like God just put them three shells
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: in me to say you bigger.
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: I just want to see if you built for this shit.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: So when you felt like you wasn't fighting this battle
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: by yourself, I was right there because I ain't help
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: you to get up. I want to see if you
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: was gonna get up on your own. I wasn't there
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: to sit there and causol you and wipe them tears.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: Let me see if you're going like you're gonna bounce back.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Let me see if you're going jab back. And when
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: I really look myself in the mirror, no pun atender
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: because I can't see.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: I sat there and said, damn, God, you did prepare me.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: You didn't give up on me, you didn't fail me.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: I didn't see it.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: Why I was so angry at him, because it's like,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: out of all the billions of people in the world,
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: while you had to use me. But then it's like,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: let's go back to saying God, God has his ways.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: He got he do things for a reason.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: It's like that kid on the street might not have
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: listened to the Bible or listen to that pastor talk.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: But guess what they're gonna listen to. See no talk.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: So I can't get my word across that that pastor
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: that's in the church every Sunday streamed at the top
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: of his voice. I can't get this kid to sit
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: down and read this Bible. But see no walk the
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: walk he talked that talk. They look up to Sceno
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: Casino did x y Z.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Now, let's see no.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: Use these words and get this shit across to save
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: these kids. And I sat there and said, God, I
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: ain't mad at you. Player like you have your ways
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: of doing certain things and I respect it. Nah, I'm
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: putting you in this hospital for seven Now, Myndjah's supposed
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: to be in the hospital.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: For two months. God gave me seven days. Let me
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: see how strong you is. Nah. I felt like you
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: took me away from my child. Nah. They came and
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: they bought a picture of my child, and I'm listening
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: to my child voice on the phone. I sat there.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: I got to get home to him. So God knew
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: my challenge, my strength. Let me see how long it's
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: gonna take you to be in this hospital. Now, I
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: got my ass about the hospital in seven days, So
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: God putting me to the test. Okay, cool, let me
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: see if you're gonna use what I put you through
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: to save the next kid so he won't go through it.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I started talking to the world. People start coming to
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: me telling me to talk to their kids. People, Yo,
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: go sit with see no go this that, and third
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: I said there.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: I started laughing, like God, you made me see it again. Huh.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: I went to North Carolina and lady ran down on
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: me like, Yo, you know, come come talk to my son.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: He's he's want to run with the streets.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: And I looked at him like, damn, it's like I've
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: been here before when I can sit and tell people, Yo,
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: you don't want to get here with them shelves because
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: like I talked to people that did get shot and
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: if her oh, I went out like a g Oh,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: I ain't cry, I ain't do this, I ain't do that.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: But really and truly, when I was on that floor,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: I was calling out to God, God, please not me,
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: save me, help me. God, Like yo, you disobeyed and
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: you didn't pay attention to all the signs that I
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: did give you.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: Let me see if you're gonna come out this dark,
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: come on with the light.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: That is the light is shining on me. I'm not
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: in the dug no more. I could be sitting there
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: sometimes texted with y'all. I got this idea, I got
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: that idea. I got this idea, I got that idea.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: My anger was so big that I didn't see that
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: God was giving me depend the paper, the plane, the
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: ideas to execute it. I was just saw rebellious in
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: one of the jab jab jab to back them up
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: off me when that man was putting his hands on me,
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: to tell me to keep moving forward.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: Just trust me. I'm not gonna fail you. Just trust me.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: I didn't fel you when I got shot. I just
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: made you bigger than what you was. I didn't fail
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: you when you got shot. I just saved you because
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: maybe your feet was on the gas and you had
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: to ease it off a little. I didn't fail you
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: when you got shot because I could have turned my
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: back and you could have been another resting piece on
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: the shirt.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: So when I look at it like that, God, I apologize.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: You know my life, you know my heart, you know
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: what I was going through, and you did it for
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: a reason. When I thought I was in that room
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: by myself, you was in that corner watching me, observing.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: It's like the matrix, that blue pill rad pin. Let
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: me see if you're the chosen one.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: I felt like I was the chosen one, and I'm
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: keeping moving forward. I was just recently walking in the
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: streets and the lady started crying, sat there and said
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: she going through her son died. And she came across
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: my pocket and she cried. She wanted to hug me,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: and she was like, yo, you helping me get through this.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: I said there said, that's not my words, that's God
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: freaking me to this studio every week talking to the people.
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: No, I ain't mad. I ain't mad at you.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: God. I got you, the real one, You the big homie,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: and I respect you and I love you, and I
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: would never doubt you again.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: I turn my back on God, but God never turns
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: his back on me.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: God helped me see the bigger picture every day I
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: wake up by waking me up.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: Heat touched my feet, touched that floor.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: God shown that he never turned his back on me.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: When I'm able to talk to my mother and my son.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: God showing me that he never turns his back on
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: me when I'm able to do things for the community,
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: when I'm able to do things for my loved ones.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: God really tapped me on my shoulder and remind me, like,
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: if I gave up on you, you would You wouldn't have
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: been able to do this. Your son would have been
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: grown up without a father because you would have been gone.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: Your mother would have had a broken heart because her
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: firstborn child is gone.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: How can you be there for your.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Grandmother and your grandfather and see the growth in your
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: brother and your sisters and different things. So when I
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: sat there and say, man, God never turned his back
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: on me. He always been there through the whole journey,
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: from when I'm on a respirator maintaining my breathing, sit there,
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: balancing my walking. People don't understand even when water gone
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: down your throat, pause, that's God because He gives you
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: the strength to do that. Most people gotta eat and
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: drink through tubes. How would life be then? That's why
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: I feel like we gotta be more grateful and thank
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: God every day that we be able to Breathe be
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: able to add something new to our resume of living
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: of life. I feel like we take shit for granted me.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: I would never take visionary for granted again. I would
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: never take me getting up and walking for granted again,
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: me being able to lift a pinchil up again, because
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: it's that person that's there that's.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: Not able to do it.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: It's that person that's there that's in the wheelchair. It's
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: that person that there that don't have a voice. I
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: feel like you gotta praise that man and give him
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: his respect. You gottah, God is.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: The big homie.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: Well, he's just a big homie and never question nothing.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: You could question him, just never doubt him. Because when
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: you're at your lowest point, when you're in that corner
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: in that dark, God always gonna remind you that he's there.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: He's not going to do the work. And all right,
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: let me touch on this before we even get out
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: of here. People feel like because I sit there and
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: I call out to God, God going just automatically just
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: reach out and pull me through the storm. But what
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: are you doing to get out of that storm? Some
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: people sit there and say, God, damn, why can and
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: get this y'all? But you never open up a computer
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: to fill out an application. You never call to check
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: up on to see the status of application. You never
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: wanting to the stalls and see what the hiring process is.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: So how you expect God to do to work if
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: you're not doing it. I feel like God giving me
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: the strength to come to the studio every.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: Week to make magic. He's doing the work with me.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: He's not feeling me.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Every week we come in with different ideas, different topics
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: to touch the word. God is showing me that I'm
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: still with you. I'm still here with you. You may
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: not feel it, but I'm still here with you. Even
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: when I'm depressed and I'm laying on that couch and
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: I feel like the dog is just swallowing me the
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: sun that busts out that cloud and shine into that
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: window and it'll come up praw me. And that's a
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: sign from God that I'm still here even when you
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm not. Even when you want to turn
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: your back on me, I'm gonna remind you I'm still here.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: So guys, never question like.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: Let me stop saying let me gives it. God.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: You can question him, but don't lose faith in him.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: Don't stop believing in him. Like God he definitely gonna
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: send the messages through them signs. Don't take it for granted,
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: grab it, run with it, and life gonna be okay.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: Life will be okay. You ain't the any one that's
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: going through hard times. You ain't Dony, and the hard
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: times ain't gonna stop today either. You're gonna face hard
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: times into the rest.
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: Into the day you die. Doesn't mean God is not
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: there for you.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: But another episode in the books bro Classic bro.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: An ever sold in the books of the Blonder, I
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: see podcast.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: I am FOBC note the hood Ray Charles, the official
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: Blonde step of the Voice of the Disablers.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: I'm the voice of the people. Leave it. Writing in
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: a review, y'all if y'all fucking with the message, comment
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: on it. Comment man, let me know when you when you.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: Lost faith in God and how did you regain that.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: Let me know if you lost faith in Guard and
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: never got it back, Like put it, because it's some
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: people are here that lost faith in God and it's
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: hard to get them back. When you lose a kid
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: and you don't know why, It's like, how can Guard
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: re ensure that I'm here for you? Some people turn
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: away and never come back, so leave it. Leave it
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: in comments, or you can email me blind ban syc
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. You can even also tap into
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: the Instagram page blind ban se NYC.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: You will leave a message, leave a voice. No, let
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: me hear your voice.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: Tell me your experience, tell me like what happened to
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: you that you turned your back on gard and what
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: made you go back or if you didn't go back.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: I want to hear it all until next week. Don't
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: step unless you're gonna step, big blond stepper