Latest / The Inspired Speaker Network / Liar Liar Pants on Fire: Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It

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Liar Liar Pants on Fire: Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It · The Inspired Speaker Network

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  Welcome to the Guiding Parent podcast, where you'll find the mindset and tools to parent
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  with greater confidence, clarity, and purpose, even when there aren't any easy answers.
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  Together, we're going to explore how to better nurture and guide our children to support who
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  they are and who they're becoming so that they can fulfill their unique potential and pride
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  in our ever-changing world. I'm Tammy Ulrich, your host, parenting and early childhood educator,
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  mom, and most fun, Tammy. And I'm Shannon, your co-host. I'm Tammy's daughter and mom
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  to a very energetic little dude called H. We're glad you're here. Let's get started.
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  At the end of our last podcast, we invited our listeners to send us any questions that they may
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  have. And so we are going to devote this pod to a question around lying. And so our email says,
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  my three-year-old is constantly lying. He told me a whole story about another child at preschool
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  sharing his snack with him that turned out to not be true. If I ask him if he's done something he's
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  supposed to, like wash his hands or brush his teeth, he will say he did, even though he
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  didn't. And if he did something wrong, he completely denies it. How do I make him
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  tell the truth? I'm worried he's becoming a compulsive liar. Well, you know, three-year-olds
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  can be quite the storytellers and they do tell lies, you know, but it's really quite different
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  than how we think about lies as adults. You know, developmentally, you know, it's to be expected
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  that you're going to get some little lies. But those early lies, you know, the brain development
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  really isn't there for those intentional planned out kind of lies that we really think about
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  in somebody who's a liar. It takes cognitive skills that just aren't there yet. So you really
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  want to be conscious about thinking of it as lying in the adult sense. You know, at this age,
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  you know, it just isn't that calculated deception. It's not malicious, you know, it's not manipulative.
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  It takes kids developing a perspective taking or having that understanding that someone else can
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  know and think things differently than they do. You know, they're still kind of in their own little
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  world, egocentric. So, you know, as those things develop, they can become better and more
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  intentional with their little mistruths. So really what it boils down to is we really need to consider
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  what is behind the lie. So let's look at why do kids lie. But before we go there,
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  Shannon, why do you lie? I would never. You weren't quite the little liar as a little person.
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  It was. Our last pod could be devoted to my kid. This one might have been devoted to little me.
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  But, you know, I think as an adult, when I lie, it's definitely things, you know, like telling
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  someone that I'm unavailable for an event because I don't want to go, not, you know, that I don't
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  want to go, you know, saying, Oh, yeah, I just can't make it rather than, you know, out and out,
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  just being like, No, not interested. Or, you know, a situation of like telling someone, you know,
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  a little white lie, you know, you're trying to not hurt someone's feelings or, you know,
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  kind of smooth a situation. And so I think as an adult, those are the kinds of lies that, you know,
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  I tell, I feel like those are, you know, kind of common adult lies, maybe, you know, as a
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  parent, something about the park being closed on Tuesdays, you know, these kinds of things.
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  And so, you know, I think the overarching kind of overlap that we see in these kinds of, you know,
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  deceptions or mistruths or lies or whatever, it's kind of like the sense of self preservation of
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  not wanting to look bad, not wanting to upset someone, you know, you're trying to work around
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  that. And so, you know, I think it's important to kind of acknowledge that, you know, if an
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  adult is lying out of these reasons, it's very similar to why kids lie, you know, it's the same
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  kind of thing, not wanting to get in trouble, not wanting some, you know, someone to be mad at you.
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  And so, you know, looking at the things that our kids do are very similar to the things that we
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  do as adults. Right. And so, you know, we need to have that in mind that, you know, we don't
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  want to be thinking of our child in this terrible negative terms when it's something that's
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  kind of human, you know, that little lies happen. So, you know, like you said, the main things
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  being self-preservation, we don't want to get in trouble or disappoint, you know, disappoint
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  someone, disappoint our parent. I think for our little three-year-old, you know, doing something
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  wrong and denying it, that's probably exactly what it boils down to is that they don't want
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  to get in trouble or they don't want, you know, they don't want mom to be mad or they don't want
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  to, you know, they don't want to be in trouble for some reason. Another reason, though, that
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  little ones lie is that they want it to be true. You know, like I said, they're storytellers.
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  They may genuinely blur that line between what's true and what they wish to be true.
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  You know, they can, they have big imaginations and sometimes there's, you know, this line between
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  what's real and pretend is a little shaky. And so, you know, to them, this big story they
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  imagined might feel, might feel very real. They're also little scientists. So, you know,
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  they're experimenting with words and impact and the results, you know, what happens when
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  I say certain things. So there's this sense of cause and effect. Words have power and,
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  you know, how do I use words and can I use words to get away with something or, you know,
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  can I, how can I, how can I, you know, experiment with this to see, to see what will happen?
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  It makes me think about when your little brother was at Child's View and there was a child in the,
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  in the classroom that was known for, I can't remember what it was that, that he was doing,
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  but it, you know, he was, he did it pretty consistently and it was a big deal and
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  everybody was upset by it. So one day your brother actually did that thing that this
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  kid had been, had been doing and then kind of stood back and watched. And sure enough,
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  you know, there was the uproar, there was the upset. This kid got in trouble until one of
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  the other kids said, he didn't do it. Justin did. And so then it was like, oh, no, Justin's
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  lying and saying, you know, trying to, trying to trick, trick us into thinking that this kid,
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  and really what it boiled down to is he just wanted to understand these dynamics. He was
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  experimenting. So, you know, sometimes it's, it's about just figuring out how words work
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  and figuring out how reactions work in connection with, connection with words.
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  Absolutely. And, you know, I feel like when Henry was small, we would see it a lot of, you know,
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  him doing something and then being like, Oh no, I didn't do it. Or it was an accident.
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  It was his favorite. It was an accident and like very clearly things that were not accidents. Like,
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  why are you effectively lying and telling me something was an accident when you very clearly
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  did it on purpose. But for him, the accident was the outcome. Like, yes, he did something with,
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  you know, whatever intent or, you know, but he didn't expect it to turn out that way.
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  And that was the accident. And so I think we can also be aware of, you know, those kinds of little
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  things your kid might say like, Oh, I didn't mean to. And you're like, yeah,
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  you very clearly did. But the final, you know, consequence of whatever happened,
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  maybe what was unintentional and accidental. And I know, like, when another fun story about my
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  little brother is, you know, he used to climb into our pantry and eat like literal spoonfuls of sugar.
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  And yeah, same kind of thing. Like, you know, he just didn't have the impulse control to not do
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  this. Like, he probably knew darn good and well that it wasn't something he was supposed to be
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  doing. Oh, he knew. But still, but the sugar was calling him. Right. And so, you know, sometimes
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  when our kiddos are, you know, lying, or, you know, saying things are accidental, say they
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  mean to do something, it can really be just because they can't literally can't stop themselves,
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  you know, they haven't reached a point where they have true impulse control. And, you know, I think
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  at that point, it's important for us as parents to recognize, you know, where we need to step in
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  as well to just prevent these sort of situations from happening in the first place.
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  Yeah, sometimes, I mean, we'll get to that. But sometimes just part of that, if we know our
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  child doesn't have the impulse control, then we need, you know, in the case with Justin,
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  then, you know, we ended up putting the sugar up, but we actually ended up locking the pantry
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  door. You know, so another thing that happens with kids is that they get embarrassed. You
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  know, or we ask them something and they don't tell the truth because they're embarrassed or they
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  feel ashamed. This is especially true as kids start to get a little bit older, you know,
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  kindergarten, elementary may start to feel this way. So we want to be aware that they might be
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  just, you know, trying to save face, trying not to look bad. So, you know, shame or embarrassment
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  can kind of kind of come into play with that as well. Yes, you know, talking about kids as they
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  get older. I think another thing we see is, you know, are we starting to lie to protect a
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  friend or, you know, that kind of behavior? You know, like you were saying elementary age kids,
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  I know, like the kind of kindergarten, like five year old crowd, those guys are good at
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  tattletailing. Yes. They're the little police. Yeah. But, you know, once you're past kind of
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  that stage of, you know, wanting to be up in everybody's business and make sure, you know,
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  it's a sense of justice. It's an important stage of development. But, you know, once they get
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  beyond kind of that, then you do see stuff like lying to protect friends, lying to,
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  yeah, with a sense of other people in mind. So one of the most important things that we can do
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  to help our kids and prevent lying is create and, you know, what's our environment set up
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  like to prevent that? You know, like, for instance, the story with Justin and the sugar,
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  you know, we had to lock the pantry, we put it away. So he couldn't go do that
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  because he just couldn't stop himself. And we really want to remember that like everything else,
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  it's a process. It's development. So, you know, what our expectations are about our kids and why
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  they do what they do. Development always comes into play with that. And, you know, how we handle
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  these little mistruths are going to impact, you know, future ways of how they, you know,
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  express themselves, honestly, or not. But it also really impacts our connection with our kids.
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  So we want to make sure that we're creating an environment and an atmosphere where
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  that connection doesn't get harmed by, you know, when these kinds of things happen.
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  So the main thing is, you know, we don't want to punish them for telling the truth.
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  We want to make sure that, you know, we're putting the emphasis on telling the truth,
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  but when mistruths happen, that it doesn't become, you know, this big thing.
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  This is one of my favorite little Henry stories around, you know, being honest. When he was
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  really little, he had to have been like three, maybe four. And it was Christmas time. And so he,
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  you know, in our house, we have a rule that we don't have food in our bedrooms.
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  And he got busted at quiet time with candy cane. And so, you know, but you know better. We don't
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  have food in our bedroom. I'm going to take that downstairs. You can have it after dinner.
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  And this little voice, do I have to give you both of them?
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  And so he did. He added himself that he had another one. And it could have been, you know,
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  a whole nother lecture of, you know, I had already told you that you couldn't have one.
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  Of course, you can't have two, you know, this big, huge thing. But, you know, he told the truth.
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  And so, you know, rather than have it be, you know, a further situation of him, you know,
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  getting in trouble, he didn't really get in trouble. But, you know, to make it into a
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  bigger thing that it needed to be, you know, just like, nope, but both of them got to go downstairs
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  and leave it at that. Yeah. And sometimes we can even thank them for, you know, telling the truth.
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  Thank you for letting me know, you know, or thank you for, you know, bringing that one up too,
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  so that we're acknowledging, you know, when those, that that is when those positive,
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  positive truths are happening. Right. And other reinforcement and all that stuff.
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  Another thing that creates a difference for us is when it's just a normal part of life
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  that we're really listening to our kids and that they know that they can talk to us about anything,
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  that they can come to us about things that they're uncomfortable about or that they're
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  scared about or when they, you know, something didn't go right, they made a big mistake.
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  That makes me think about little Shannon when she was told to go into her room to clean up and
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  instead she and her friend piled everything right into the middle of her room, emptied all the
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  drawer. I mean, it was a big, huge mess. And she came out, mama, it's too big. And, you know,
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  it could have been a much bigger problem if we'd have looked at it
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  in that way. But she knew she could come and talk, you know, say, I made this mistake. I need help.
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  And so we want to create that sense of openness that it's okay to make mistakes and you can come
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  and tell and you're not going to get in trouble because you made this mistake
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  so that we have that sense of openness. We will definitely want to do that when the
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  mistakes are small so that when they get big, you know, think teenagers,
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  they'll still come to you because those mistakes are going to need you too.
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  Yeah, I think that there's some adage that I've heard about, you know, little people make little
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  mistakes. And, you know, if you want to create systems and, you know, a sense of family, you
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  know, culture of how we deal with that when they're small and their mistakes are small.
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  So that, yeah, like you said, when they're big and their mistakes are bigger,
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  you've already established like, oh, when, you know, whatever hits the fan, I go to mom
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  or I go to dad. And I know that, you know, that's a safe, a safe way to deal with things.
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  Right. Yeah, absolutely. Making it safe to make mistakes. And when they do come to us
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  with these things, we want to be sure we're not teasing them or embarrassing them or asking
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  questions that, you know, that are going to be embarrassing that they might not want to admit to.
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  So let it, you know, help draw it out from them, but not in a way that makes them feel, you know,
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  embarrassed because then they're going to be less likely to tell us things.
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  Right. And even, you know, I think it can really vary based on a kid and your family culture of,
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  you know, what crosses that line and from, you know, kind of fun, you know, teasing ha ha to
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  like feeling teased in that negative sense. And like, you know, part of what makes it so that
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  your kid can come and talk to you is if that sense of feeling safe and if they're, you know,
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  feeling like they're just going to get made fun of, that it's not safe. And, you know,
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  it absolutely hinders connection. And yeah, if you're not a safe place for them,
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  they're not going to come tell you. And I like to joke, you know, especially when H was smaller,
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  like, I swear he would tell me like literally everything that, you know, crossed his little
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  brain. And, you know, as he's gotten a little bit older, that's less, you know,
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  like that I get the literal complete brain dump. But he still does come and talk to me about a lot
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  of different random things. And so part of being that safe place for him, I feel like, is being
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  available and making sure that, you know, if he wants to talk to me about something, you know,
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  put my phone down and really focus and pay attention to whatever he's saying,
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  so that we do, you know, continue to create that sense of, you know, connection and safety.
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  Connection is just so big. It's such an important piece. And when our kids feel that connection,
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  we maintain that connection. There's so much more willing to come to us and be honest and say what's,
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  you know, talk about what's going on for them. And so we just want to make that just a part of
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  life is that we just talk that we're, you know, you're the safe place that they can come to with
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  whatever it is. Another thing we can do, especially like with littles that are still
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  kind of figuring out that real versus pretend, you know, their big imaginations is asking them,
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  you know, like, what part of that story was real? What part of that is, is pretend and starting to,
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  you know, or what else happened? Or what, you know, what do you think really happened there?
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  Is that the whole story? Asking some, some guiding questions or leading questions to kind of
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  draw out for them so that they can start to see what part was, what part was real and what
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  wasn't. And I think that's kind of the case for our, for our listener, with the story from,
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  you know, that the friend shared, shared lunch, or shared their snack. You know,
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  is that it was, that's what, you know, that's, that's what perhaps he had hoped would happen.
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  And so that was his own, you know, so could just ask some more questions about it and not,
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  you know, what part's real, what part, you know, what part isn't. Another piece to that,
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  though, is especially for really, really young children, we want to kind of be aware of engaging
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  in stories and talking about things, you know, because they're still trying to differentiate
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  between what's real and what's not. And so giving them books and stories and stuff that are real,
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  that are, are about real things so that they start to have that, you know, we can have more of
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  that fantasy as they get a little bit older and that distinction is clearer. But things like
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  talking animals and so forth, not to, not to say not to have any of that, but, but
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  might then still ask questions when we have a story that is very much around pretend. What part
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  of that was true? Do animals really talk? What kind of a habitat does an animal really live?
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  Do they live in a house? You know, so that kids start to see that difference between real and
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  pretend. Yeah. And I think, you know, especially if you're thinking about little kids and we can
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  start to think about, you know, where would we want to start? And so part of that, you know,
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  from the time that they're very small is modeling honesty. And, you know, if you're little ones,
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  and I mean, of course, older children too, but if from, you know, the whole history of their
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  little life, they've seen their parents lying, you know, or being lied to. Yeah.
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  Like telling them the park is closed on Tuesday.
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  Right. But I mean, we joke, but like, literally, like if they see that consistently, like you can
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  say, you know, lying's not okay all you want, but if they're watching your behavior and, you know,
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  do as I say, not as I do, never work. But, you know, and like we joke in our house,
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  like sometimes like it'll be like, Oh, the ice cream's gone. And my husband will be like,
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  Henry ate all the ice cream and Henry knows darn good. Well, he didn't eat the last of the ice cream,
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  but my husband did. And so, you know, we can obviously like, you know, I still have a family
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  culture that teases and, you know, but once our kids are old enough that they really have that
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  sense of what's, you know, joking versus what's an actual, you know, deception or lie.
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  Yeah. So we really do want to model being honest, you know, when you call your boss to say you're
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  sick, don't do it in front of your kid. Don't lie to them, even about the simple things,
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  you know, even those things that, you know, we're out of, we're out of ice cream when
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  or the park closed. Yeah. So they really see that honesty is part of your family values that
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  that it really is something you're, you're showing and you're making a, you're making a point
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  of being honest. So that that's just part of family culture, part of our part of our
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  values. And we can also make it part of conversations when mistruths come in there,
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  you know, that it's important. I can trust your words. You know, that's something that we can
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  say, you know, is that really the truth? Because I really need to be able to trust your words.
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  Yeah. And you're talking about family culture. I feel like that's a really important
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  thing to emphasize, you know, if we're, you know, I need to be able to trust you,
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  I need to be able to, to believe what you're telling me. And, you know,
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  part of parenting, I feel like is dealing with like the consequences when things go awry. And so,
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  you know, it's really, really easy in that instance. Like, if you don't tell me the truth,
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  I can't, you know, the consequence of that is I can't trust what you're saying.
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  You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Shannon?
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  Of course not.
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  Oh, you have those conversations just to be able to trust your words.
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  Well, and, you know, now that, you know, I'm parenting, it's generational. And sometimes
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  the words that come out of my mouth sound shockingly like yours. And that is definitely
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  one of them. You know, I literally feel like I'm parroting you sometimes when I'm like,
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  dude, if I can't trust you, you know, the consequence of that is, I don't know,
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  you know, what's believable. And, you know, that's going to impact what you, you know,
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  what you get to do. Right. So, so it's really a natural consequence. We don't need to create,
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  you know, these punishments. It's just part of how life will go. If I can't, if I can't trust your
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  words, then that's the natural consequences. We may not be able to do certain things or
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  I'm going to need to check up on that. Or, you know, you may not have as much freedom.
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  So it just kind of naturally, you know, naturally takes care of itself.
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  But another, another piece to all of this is not setting our kids up to lie. You know,
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  like a child comes to us with chocolate all over their face and we say, did you eat the chocolate
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  bar? Well, it's obviously the chocolate bar. So, you know, when they say, no, I didn't do it.
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  Yeah, just completely skip that whole thing. Yeah, dude, you ate chocolate. You know,
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  it's not time to eat chocolate. Don't even set them up where they are trying to.
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  You know, asking that question just puts them on the spot and they're like, oh my gosh,
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  you know, and, and it's kind of like deer in the headlights because you've probably
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  asked it in a pretty, you know, you're in trouble way.
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  You're in. Yeah. So, you know, also want to be aware who you're asking in front of
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  any kind of question about, you know, what they're, they're doing. And will they be
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  embarrassed to answer the truth, answer truthfully? Yeah. Also, I think the time and place kind of
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  stuff, you know, if you're in a situation where, you know, your child is obviously dysregulated
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  or, you know, they're in front of friends or, you know, there's all sorts of different things
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  that can influence a child, you know, again, self preservation, trying to save face. And so,
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  you're going to get a lie rather than the truth. Whereas if you wait until they're,
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  you know, calm, regulated, and it's just the two of you, you're more likely, I feel like,
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  to get an honest answer. And your energy, you know, in that moment, you know, if you've calmed down
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  also and you feel safe now, you know, because, you know, you're in maybe, you know, you're
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  snuggling on the couch or the atmosphere is just calmer and safer, you're more likely to get.
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  So, be aware of, you know, be aware of your energy when you have these conversations and that
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  it feels like, it feels like you're open to them rather than you're ready to judge or,
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  you know, they're going to get in trouble. Yeah, another like weird one that I see,
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  you know, with Henry's friends is, you know, parents creating scenarios where
• 24:21
  a child is sort of like over protected to the point where they feel like they have to
• 24:25
  be deceptive or to lie. I know one of Henry's friends, like, we went fishing and he cut his
• 24:33
  finger on his fish hook. So, you know, it wasn't just like a scratch, not deep or anything
• 24:38
  serious. And I tried to give him a band-aid and he was like, nope, I don't need a band-aid.
• 24:42
  My mom sees a band-aid on my finger, I won't get to go fishing. And like he just said it very
• 24:46
  matter-of-factly, like this was, you know, pretty standard that, you know, if an activity results
• 24:51
  in, you know, even a scratch, he doesn't get to do it anymore. And so, just being mindful of,
• 24:56
  you know, obviously kids need boundaries. We, you know, we're absolutely not saying to let them,
• 25:01
  you know, run wild and free. But, you know, being aware of how restrictive those boundaries
• 25:06
  are and if they're still age-appropriate, if they need to be loosened a little bit.
• 25:11
  Because otherwise you will create a scenario where your kid, you know,
• 25:15
  wants to do XYZ and so they just do it anyways. Right. Yeah. And if we're too overly about it,
• 25:21
  then, you know, they're likely to lie about it because, you know, they know they can do it.
• 25:29
  And they're, you know, they're trying to assert that autonomy and that sense of,
• 25:34
  we had a whole podcast on safe risk. You know, they're trying to try to figure out their skills.
• 25:39
  They're trying to figure out their bodies and all of that. And if we're pushing back too much on that
• 25:44
  and that natural need to, you know, to experience and to do and try things, you know, then it's
• 25:52
  kind of setting them up for, you know, for having to go behind their backs to do what they
• 26:00
  developmentally need to do. Yeah. And speaking of developmentally, you know, I think that there's
• 26:05
  a lot of different ways to address lying with kids and that is very much based on where they are
• 26:10
  developmentally. And like you were saying at the beginning, you know, a three-year-old can't lie
• 26:14
  with intent. They can't lie with malice. They're just not, you know, at a point developmentally
• 26:19
  where that's even possible. Whereas, you know, a 10-year-old can't 100% you know, lie with intent.
• 26:27
  And so, you know, how would we handle that? Maybe like our example at the beginning, you know,
• 26:32
  from our listener of a child, you know, who says they washed their hands when they didn't.
• 26:37
  That's the best way to handle that. Well, I think the first thing to do is don't ask,
• 26:43
  did you, did you brush your teeth or did you wash your hands? If you know they didn't,
• 26:46
  that's first because then you're setting them up to lie. But, you know, we kind of also just want
• 26:52
  to feel like we need to change our focus. That rather than focusing on the fact that they didn't
• 26:59
  do what they were supposed to or they said they did when they didn't, how can I successfully
• 27:04
  set them up to do what they need to do? And be honest about it or if they're not,
• 27:10
  if they just really don't want to do it, okay, they need to be able to say, I don't want to.
• 27:16
  That doesn't mean they don't get to. But they can still, and then we can look at, okay,
• 27:20
  how can I support them to be able to do what they need to do? So take hand washing, okay,
• 27:27
  you know, especially, I feel like I'm being gender here, but I feel like especially boys,
• 27:33
  I don't want to go wash their hands. So maybe some cool soap, you know, to encourage it,
• 27:38
  the squirt soap or something that gives it some interest, something, so there's little things
• 27:43
  we can do that can help support them in being successful in doing the things that we want to,
• 27:49
  you know, that we want them to do so that we don't even have to lie about it in the first place,
• 27:57
  they don't have to lie about it in the first place that we're supporting them to do what needs to,
• 28:00
  what needs to be done. Yeah, we talk a lot about, you know, preparing our environment. And so I think
• 28:05
  that's definitely a part of it is, you know, or if you have a child that you know, is going to
• 28:11
  say that they brushed their teeth when they didn't, and they're still, you know, a little
• 28:15
  guy or a little gal, maybe they need you standing there in the bathroom door frame,
• 28:20
  a little more supervision, right? Right. And you know, or let's do it together.
• 28:26
  You know, sometimes it's just as simple as, you know, those teeth didn't get brushed,
• 28:33
  grab them by the hand, let's go back in and do it together and take them just taking them back.
• 28:38
  Or, you know, I've heard you say to to Henry, if I go touch your toothbrush, is it going to
• 28:43
  be wet? Yeah, I mean, even now, he'll be like, Oh, yeah, I totally brushed my teeth. And I'm like,
• 28:48
  did you I didn't hear this thing? Like, if I go check, he's like, Oh, fine.
• 28:57
  So it's back to supporting them and going and doing what they need to do rather than focusing
• 29:03
  on the fact that they didn't or the fact that they lied about it, but just let's get to where
• 29:07
  we need to go rather than create this need for problems and punishments and so forth.
• 29:13
  So again, you know, creating an environment that just helps helps prevent prevent it.
• 29:19
  In spite of everything we do, there are still going to be those times,
• 29:23
  kids are going to make mistakes, they're going to be afraid of disappointing you
• 29:27
  and lies happen. You know, they happen for us as adults, too. But one of the, you know,
• 29:33
  one thing we had in in our family is kind of like, if you lie, there's kind of like
• 29:43
  consequences and that there was a punishment. So there are the consequences, you've got to deal
• 29:49
  with what what's going on here. So, you know, it might be you have to fix the mistake of whatever
• 29:57
  problem happened. Plus, now we're talking about rebuilding trust. Now, you know, you may not
• 30:03
  get to do XYZ on your own again, because I can't trust that you will do what you say you will do.
• 30:10
  So there's kind of this double, you know, double consequence that happens.
• 30:15
  Yeah, I know, like, for Henry, he's got boundaries in our neighborhood of where he's allowed
• 30:21
  to cruise at will. And so we've had, you know, it happened once where he went beyond that,
• 30:29
  and, you know, was dishonest about it. And so then it becomes so okay, I can't trust that
• 30:35
  you're going to be where you're supposed to be, because you lied to me about it.
• 30:38
  So now your boundaries are not as expansive as they could be, like, you don't get to go outside
• 30:44
  without supervision. And obviously, he's old enough that that's okay now. But, you know,
• 30:49
  if you're gonna lie to me about where you are, I can't let you go, you know, wander the neighborhood.
• 30:54
  You have to, you know, be supervised. And so the consequence, you know, naturally,
• 30:59
  is just that he loses a sense of freedom that he would have had. And, you know, over time,
• 31:04
  obviously, you know, we worked that back out. And, you know, now he's really good about calling me
• 31:09
  and being like, you know, I went across the street, which means you can go across the street to where
• 31:12
  the track is and play on the soccer field. But that has to be a conversation every time because
• 31:18
  it's a little bit farther from our house. And you you have the luxury of having a little
• 31:25
  tracker on him in a neighborhood that is maintained. Yeah, we have a really safe
• 31:29
  neighborhood. And yeah, he's got a watch. So I know where he is.
• 31:35
  I think another thing that's really important is to think about how we're framing things. And when
• 31:41
  we're talking to our kids, how we're framing those times when they're telling a lie,
• 31:47
  please, please don't call your child a liar. You know, a liar is someone who consistently lies
• 31:53
  for the purpose of deceiving people for their own benefit. You know, it's malicious and
• 31:58
  manipulative. It's really has, to me, very negative connotations. And I think calling,
• 32:05
  you know, calling that our child that is big. It's just it's not a label that we want to attach.
• 32:13
  I mean, that's something that's going to hurt their little spirits. And it's not, you know,
• 32:17
  when kids, kids tend to fall into our our labels and our expectations. So if that's our focus,
• 32:25
  and we don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• 32:28
  Exactly. So, you know, let's not let's not even think of them that way. Instead, just looking at
• 32:33
  at supporting them and telling, you know, at finding the truth and expressing that instead.
• 32:41
  Yeah, that's an important distinction.
• 32:43
  Right. Yeah, I mean, we can just say I know I know that isn't true. So let's talk about
• 32:48
  what really happened. We can also, you know, think about as we think about that they're not
• 33:00
  really, you know, they're not really lying, not true liars, you know, we really can think about
• 33:07
  doing all of these different things we're talking about so that it helps prevent that from happening
• 33:12
  from them becoming that, you know, so between not attaching that label and providing the support,
• 33:18
  you know, that makes a huge, a huge difference. We're looking at fixing mistakes instead of
• 33:23
  punishing them.
• 33:26
  Well, yeah, and, you know, one of the big tenets of the guiding mindset philosophy is, you know,
• 33:31
  the very first principle is it starts with you. And so, you know, I think, you know, if we're
• 33:36
  talking about what really prevents lying, it's definitely worth taking a minute to kind of turn
• 33:40
  into inward and look at yourself and, you know, like we said, like lying is usually a form of
• 33:46
  self-preservation, it's fully fulfilling a need. And so, you know, as parents, are we doing
• 33:51
  anything that's contributing to that?
• 33:55
  Yeah, it's a way of communicating and, you know, all behavior is communication.
• 33:59
  You tell me this all the time.
• 34:01
  Another principle is behavior is communication. So, you know, we want to ask ourselves, why
• 34:07
  are they lying? What is this telling me? You know, what is this behavior communicating?
• 34:11
  You know, so we want to get to, we want to first get to the truth of that. What need is being
• 34:17
  met by lying? You know, again, self-preservation is nine times out of ten. But again, it's a
• 34:25
  communication. So, we want to look beneath the surface. And we really need to ask ourselves,
• 34:30
  why this is happening? What is the reason behind it? Why can't they tell me the truth?
• 34:37
  And we need that answer before we look at, okay, what are we going to do about it?
• 34:41
  You know, because the reason behind it is really going to tell us how we need to proceed.
• 34:47
  You know, with supports or encouragement or redirections, you know, whatever the guidance
• 34:54
  might be. Well, as we come to an end, we have three tips for you in terms of handling these
• 35:05
  mistruths with our little ones. So, number one, be aware of what you're modeling. You know,
• 35:11
  be careful about those little white lies that we tell, you know, we tend to tell our kids or,
• 35:16
  you know, your child witnessing the lie you just told your friend, your friend or your boss.
• 35:21
  So, you know, again, making sure that you're modeling honesty and creating that as a family,
• 35:26
  a family value. The second one is, like I just said, looking beneath the lie to discover
• 35:33
  why the lie, you know, they don't want to disappoint you. They just want it to be true.
• 35:38
  They're telling a story, you know, those great imaginations, fear of getting in trouble,
• 35:42
  you know, seeing what will happen. And then once you understand that, then we can help come to the
• 35:47
  come to the truth and know how to how to handle it. And then third, making it safe,
• 35:52
  you know, talking and listening is just a part of life, making sure that that they are comfortable
• 35:57
  being able to talk about fears, talk about mistakes, you know, those little uncomfortable
• 36:01
  things and not punishing the truth when they do instead helping or supporting them in fixing
• 36:06
  any kind of problem or mistake. For our try this, you know, we kind of talked about this a little
• 36:14
  bit, but, you know, actually really taking, you know, the time to implement it in your parenting
• 36:21
  to making sure that, you know, when you see your kid doing something that you know,
• 36:24
  they could easily lie about not asking it as a question, you know, don't set them up.
• 36:31
  You know, you've clearly got chocolate all over your face. I know you've had ice cream.
• 36:38
  So let's deal with, you know, having a treat when we're not supposed to rather than setting them up
• 36:43
  to kind of double dip into into trouble and and have to lie about it. And then just being aware
• 36:51
  that, you know, some of these things really are things that we can as parents prevent from
• 36:55
  happening in the first place. You know, does the ice cream need to be accessible
• 36:58
  in the first place to get it, you know, is there a way to make it so that these things
• 37:02
  for a little people that don't have a lot of impulse control can just, you know,
• 37:06
  not even have it be an issue in the first place. And then, you know, as another try this,
• 37:12
  you too can send us questions. So try this and send us one of yours. Until next time.