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Twelve Dating Tips For Healthier Relationships Part Two · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, it's Doc David with Hedgefrink Inc.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: and we're going to finish up dating tips.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Doc David again with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate you guys tuning in.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: And those of the of you that download the podcast or listen live, I definitely appreciate that.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: So today, so I I have dating tips that I've kind of picked up over the years and have working with couples and working with people that are going through divorces and all kinds of challenging things.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so I compiled a list of 12 things that I think one should pay attention to prior to dating, or at least when you're in a dating relationship, these are 12 things that you should pay attention to.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: And this is part two.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: So if you haven't heard part one yet, you should go back and listen to part one because I may be referring back to part one as I talk about things here in part two.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: So we're on number seven.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: There's 12 tips.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: So number seven, and these aren't in any particular order.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: These are just some ideas to think about when you are either considering dating somebody or you're in the midst of a dating relationship.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And if any of these things are true in the in the relationship that you're in, I would seriously consider you to reconsider the relationship you're in.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: And generally speaking, these things, you know, if are not going to go away if you get married.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think a big problem with marriages today is that the issues that come up in marriages were usually there in the dating relationship, but one or both people in the relationship thought, oh, you know, it'll get better.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: It'll either get better when we get married, or it's something that we'll deal with down the road if it comes up.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: And inevitably what happens is that you get married, and then life just has a way of giving you challenges.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Whose house are you going to go to for holidays?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: What religion are you going to raise your kids in?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Are you going to have kids or how many kids do you want?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so then all these things that you don't talk about come into play when you get married.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so then all this other baggage that you should have dealt with prior to getting married comes and creates more challenges and makes life harder.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: So the purpose of these two podcasts are to give you that are dating an idea of things to pay attention to, and you that are thinking of dating, definitely some some things to pay attention to.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: So number seven is if the person that you are like, if you like, or the person that you're in a relationship with shows any sign of possess possessiveness, extreme jealousy, control, you have got to I'm just gonna say you've got to get out of that relationship.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: You are a free individual who should not be controlled by others.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: One of the worst things that I've seen in relationships is this, I mean, it leads to physical abuse a lot.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's where one partner cannot allow the other partner to have a life outside of the relationship.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: And what that inevitably leads up to is it leads up to horrible breakups, which are not a good thing.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And it often leads to some type of physical violence.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it it's not just you that gets involved in this, it's a lot, it's family that gets involved with it, family that's trying to protect you, or family that's trying to convince you to leave the relationship, and you say to them, no, this relationship's really good, but in the end you realize, okay, this relationship isn't good.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so the the idea of someone controlling you and needing to know your whereabouts and discouraging you and not giving you access to financial resources and wanting to check your phone.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, think about those things I just said.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't that sound extreme and scary and limiting?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully, if you're hopefully if you're saying yes and you're in a relationship like that, you'll get out of it.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because a relationship should be built on mutual trust, mutual love, mutual compassion and caring for one another.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: And a person that is is jealous, possessive, or controlling, that's about them and it's not about the two of you.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times what happens is that that person that's a controller or jealous in a relationship, they make it seem like it's about you when in reality it's not.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: In reality, you are being controlled, you are being hurt, you're being potentially emotionally abused.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so if any of that like strikes or if any of that rings true to you, I'm gonna suggest you get out of that relationship because it's not something that you should have to deal with.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: So this this next thing, I'm gonna repeat it because it's hard to grasp initially.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Men say they are in love to get sex, and women have sex to get love.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna repeat that.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Men say they are in love to get sex, and women have sex to get love.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: And again, just like any of these things, uh, that's general, generally speaking.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: If that, if you think, you know what, I I kind of identify with that, you need to get out of the relationship that you're in.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because you don't want to fall, as a man or a woman, you don't want to fall into those categories.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: You want to be in love because you want to be with the person, not because you're trying to fulfill some type of emotional connection.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: And and too often I think that men, you know, they init they just immediately go into a sexual relationship or women immediately.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's not it's not just you know gender specific, it's men and women, immediately get into a sexual relationship, and there's a reason for that.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: There they view sex as a way to connect, and inevitably I'm going to suggest that that's not a great way to connect simply through sex.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because sex can go away, and then what do you have?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: You you don't have much.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you are in love, if you're saying to your significant other, your man, say, I love you, honey, let's just let's bond, and and then it's about the sex, you need to stop that and you need to leave that relationship.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you have a man that does that to you, you need to get out of that relationship.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a woman and and you're like kind of feeling like sex is the only way to keep your man, then sex fulfills you as a person, and sex is the way that you feel loved, you need to get out of that relationship as well.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: And and man, if you have a and guy, if you have a girl that's telling you that that's or you gonna get an idea that that's why the sex is happening, you need to do the right thing and get out of that relationship.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because she needs help.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because I again that's an unhealthy, I'm gonna suggest that's an unhealthy view of sex.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: So number nine, keep lines of communication open with older adults in your life.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a challenging, because usually the older adults are your parents.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you don't have a good relationship with your parents, so this is gonna be potentially challenging.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And why I think it's important to keep lines of communication open with older adults is because older adults have much more experience in life.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: I should say older, competent, and capable adults.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Again, older adults have more experience in life, competent and capable adults have learned how to deal with the challenges of life and stay successful.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: People in long-term marriages that are happy and content, and you know, they'll still fight, but they are in these covenant slash committed relationships, those are people that you should be investing some time in because they've potentially figured out how to stay together, or they've have some ideas on how to work through challenges.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes you may need to talk about something serious, and these adults that have been in long-term relationships may have some ideas that you just haven't thought about.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's why it's important to keep some older adults in your life as kind of sounding boards to talk to once in a while.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I know it seems like that's such an odd thing in our society, but I think it's a really valuable practice to have.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Is like if you know an older person that you respect and you think, wow, their marriage seems like it's a good thing, why not ask them out for coffee and just say, hey, I just want to talk to you about life and what are some suggestions you have for making a marriage great?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean that you're have you're in crisis in your marriage, but it's always a wise thing to seek out wisdom for whatever you do, right?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: We do it often in our workplace environment, and so why not in your marriage, or why not in your significant relationships?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Spending time with friends.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this this is not expressed enough.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Too much of a good thing can make you unappreciated and ungrateful.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: If you spend too much time with your significant other, you potentially lose all your friends and possibly not really value the person you're with.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I've seen this over and over.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's a couple that they're just so in love and enamored with one another, and they just can't imagine not spending time with one another.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then slowly the people that they were friends with prior to this relationship start kind of dropping off.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's sad because these are people that you know invested in your life, and then you get so hyper-focused on this relationship that you're in, that these investors in your life don't get a good return on their investment, I suppose, right?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: So they're not being able to hang out with you.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: They call you, you ignore their calls, or you don't return their calls, or you're always busy with your significant other.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that relationship with a significant other may or may not work out, and so you'll want to go back with these friends, and they're gonna be hurt by what seems to be your lack of concern or care for them.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: A great example in my own life is when I was in college, I started, you know, interacting with my now to my now wife, and we started hanging out a lot, and I made the mistake of you know not hanging out with my roommate as much.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: And he ended up getting like really hurt by the fact that you know I would basically roll into our dorm room late at night, go to bed, and then go to be gone at classes in the morning, weekends would happen, and I'd be hanging out with my wife, my at that point friend slash best friend.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: And it really was hurtful to my to my roommate.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it did damage to where we we disconnected potentially.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: We disconnected actually in in college.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we've been in connection, you know, via Facebook or whatever, but it it was damaging to the relationship.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that if you're in a significant other relationship, I'm gonna suggest that you make sure that you make time for your friends.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: And whether it's bro time or whether it's girl time or whatever, it's important for you to do that because those are relationships that potentially you had before the significant other.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: And if the significant other goes away, you're gonna want those relationships.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's gonna be hard to rekindle them once the significant other goes away, potentially.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Number 11.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Now, now this one is a little bit, I think a little controversial because it gets mixed up a little bit, and and I I I want to be I want to be very clear on it.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's important to be attracted to the person you're dating.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Now, some people would say that's shallow, and I I absolutely do not think that is shallow.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think when you're in a dating relationship, you definitely want to find somebody that has good character qualities, has integrity, is compassionate, is care, you know, all the all the above.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, obviously you want that.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: But you also, I'm gonna suggest you also want to be attracted to the person.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because after, you know, 15 years of marriage or 20 years of marriage, you don't just want to be married to a roommate.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to be married to someone that you have no kind of passion or attraction to.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you don't have attraction to somebody, but they're super nice and they're sweet and they meet all these other characteristics, I'm gonna suggest that that's not a good person for you to interact, to settle your life down with.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because there is something to physical attraction.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's not shallow.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think where it becomes shallow is if that's basically the own only reason you stay in a relationship, right?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like, oh wow, this person, they're so hot, but they lie, they cheat, they steal, they're kind of a loser, they have no integrity.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: I would say, no, no, no, no.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: You should not be with them just simply because you're attracted to them.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it's a balance of the two.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think, you know, with all those good character qualities, and then if you can find someone that, wow, they are attractive and handsome or they're beautiful or whatever, I think that those are like a balance of the two is ideal.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: But if you simply focus on the attraction factor, you will find that eventually we all get old, eventually we break down, and we don't look the same as we looked when we were 18.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: I know, shocking, right?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: But that's that's what happens.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's this kind of natural aging that we all have to go through.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm gonna suggest again, don't just simply be attracted to the person you're dating, but but also be looking for their internal qualities as well.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: So a combination of both is important.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: And finally, number 12 is don't settle.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: So back when I was in college, and I didn't know this was a thing.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I just I've just recently found out that it was a thing, people would make marriage packs.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I made, and I don't know if people actually follow through on these marriage packs, but I know that I made one, and I was just kind of being goofy at the time when I was, I don't know, probably 21 or 22, senior in college.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: I had said to a friend, hey, if we're not married in 10 years, then let's decide that we're gonna marry each other.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I look back and I think, what a stupid agreement.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I mean, it's not a non it's a non-binding agreement because obviously there's no paperwork sign.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: But I just think what a stupid agreement that that was.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: Simply because I've I am friends with that person on Facebook today, and I would not want to be married to them, given who I am today.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm totally happy with the person that I married, and I'm glad that I married the person that I married.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm saying all that with this idea don't settle.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Never settle for the person that you're gonna that you're in a relationship with.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: If you feel like, well, I'm getting older and I'm not gonna find anybody, and well, I might as well, you know, he's got these good qu good traits, but then he's got these other ones.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just overlook those.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's settling, and I'm gonna encourage you to never settle.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: If it means that you're gonna be single for a long time, then that's what it means.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because I, if you're in a relationship, I want your relationship to last.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: I want it to be long term and solid.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: And inevitably, when you settle, initially for the short term, you're able to tolerate those things that you've that you've settled on.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: But after kids get in the mix, after job things happen, after you guys get older, you know, 10 or 15 years down the road, you might be annoyed that you're that you settled.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: You might see another person that you think, oh wow, if I hadn't settled, I could have been with that person, and then potentially an affair starts.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't just for men, it's for women as well.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm saying that men and women just don't settle for for things that you don't have to in a relationship.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think that you should always be looking for the best for yourself in relationships.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: And that's okay, because I think I want your relationships to last long term, and I think that most people want their relationships to last long term.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: And if you settle on a relationship, potentially it's not gonna last long term.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's more likely, I think, in my experience of working with couples, that it's not gonna last long term.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: So those are some 12 ideas, part one and part two, to pay attention to as you date, as you go into the dating world, or even as you are currently in the dating world, like in a relationship.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: These are things I'm gonna really suggest you strongly kind of look at to determine, okay, is are any of these things happening in my own life?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: And if they are, you know, consider getting out of the relationship.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: If you want more clarification about, feel free to email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's head shrink with a K INC at gmail.com, or you can message me on Facebook at docdavid.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: Or you can look up, look me up online, docdavid.net.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I have everywhere, I'm everywhere on social media, so it's it would be difficult to miss me, let's just say that.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, thanks for listening in, and hopefully you were enjoy hopefully you enjoyed this podcast or got some insight.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: If so, let me know.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Give me an email, drop me a line, as they say.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: Have a great week.