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What was it like falling in love for the first time as a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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So what was it like my first time falling in love as someone
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diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?
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What a narcissist falling in love for the first time.
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What was that like? What went through my mind?
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How did I feel? Am I still in love with that
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person? All that and more today on
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Dragon Ball Z. Now if you're new here, I'm Lee
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Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist.
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And welcome to the welcome to another episode of The
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Narcissist Code. Welcome back, welcome back,
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welcome back. Yo.
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If you don't know, I still do my one-on-one coaching.
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You can find that at mentalillness.net and enter the
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code mental 15 for 15% off the one-on-one coaching Zoom calls
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or the phone calls. Y'all yes, yes no.
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But seriously, man, narcissistic people, toxic people like I do
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believe that a lot of us can fall in love, right?
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We, we can't feel love, we can't experience love to get that
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question out the way 'cause I know a lot of y'all going to ask
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that question. Can a narcissist love in the 1st
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place? Lee, I don't actually think that
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you were in love. Demons can't love.
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Narcissists have no souls that make you soulless and you need a
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soul to love. A soul is the prerequisite for
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lovely and you don't have a damn soul.
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So stop lying to people. What did I do to deserve that?
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You don't know me. You don't know my heart now.
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But seriously man, I have been in love before.
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I'm in love right now. I love my wife.
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Know people ask me like, do you really love your wife?
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Yes, I love my wife, my every fiber of my being.
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I do love my wife. I do love my children, but this
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is not about that relationship. I told my I told that story a
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while ago. No, I might even tell that story
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later. I'll tell you about the first
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time I was in I was in high school.
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I was still in high school, right And I met this young lady.
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We're going to call her. I didn't say these names while I
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even come out here. We're going to call her Bella.
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Bella. Let's say Bella like from like
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from Twilight, Bella from Twilight, right.
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So meet Bella through a friend, right?
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And I, I, I saw having these weird feelings for her, right?
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I, I liked her. She's a beautiful woman, right?
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I'm just like now pretty girl. I like her, you know, And then
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it just started getting deeper. The, the further our
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relationship went, the deeper it felt, the deeper I felt, you
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know, I mean, it's just like, I felt feeling like this person
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was made for me. Like really, I really truly felt
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like this person was 100% made for me.
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And we were like what, one year at age different.
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I was, I was 18, I think she was 1716.
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So we're still in school together.
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But like, yeah, till the high school.
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So yeah. So even after I graduated, we
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still dated, you mean? But it was like crazy.
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Like we kept moving on and things like that.
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We dated for how long? We were together for a few
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years, wasn't it? That was together for a long
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time. That's crazy.
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It's so long ago, man, but I remember just feeling like this
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person was created for me. I remember and I think it was
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pretty much my one of my first girlfriends in high school.
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Y'all, I was a very late bloomer.
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I'll say it like that. I was a very, very late bloomer.
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So I didn't really I was afraid of girls.
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I was scared to talk to girls, you know, so I was just like,
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please, somebody talk to me. I just I mean I'm being funny.
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I'm being I'm a shot funny guy. So I first met this girl.
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It was cool. We just met naturally because we
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rode the bus together and stuff like that.
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We were cool. All that stuff type of stuff
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went on and then as time went on, I started feeling like this
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person completed me like this was the person for me.
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I was like, damn, I, I, I feel like I couldn't breathe without
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this person. I feel like I couldn't move
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without this person. You know, it's just like this
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song. I can't breathe baby without you
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in my life. I can't go on baby.
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This is my song, baby. I forgot what the song it is.
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Bonus points if you know the name of that song is, but that's
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part of it, man. I was just like, I can't believe
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what I was doing. So I'm still in high school,
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right? So I'm giving, I'm love bombing
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her by giving her everything I got.
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You know, I ain't had no job in high school.
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I play sports. So anything I got from playing
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sports or my allowance for my Mama, I was doing trying to do
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things for her minor little things and whatever, because
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that's all I had, right? I'm a kid.
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I didn't have much. I had nothing.
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So I gave her everything I had. So it I did love Mama.
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I feel like she was the person for me.
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But after I graduated and she still like I had a year left of
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school, right? So I was just like I got out
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there into the real world. I started working, I started
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getting a job and I got around other people.
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You know, I know this is going, don't you?
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But once I started working and getting around other people, I
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became disinterested in this person, right?
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I just felt like this person wasn't fit for me anymore.
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The devaluation phase started, you know, I no longer felt like
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I was in love with this person. I'm like, I, I cared about this
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person. I thought we had a future
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together. We're going to live together, to
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have kids together, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?
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But then literally I started seeing other people in real
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life, like, damn, I, this might not be the one for me, you know,
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like this might not be the person for me anymore.
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There's so many options out here.
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I don't want to have a fear of missing.
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I don't want to miss out anybody else.
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I don't want to miss out on nothing.
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So of course I didn't break up with her.
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I started just this isn't my distancing myself from I, I
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didn't see her much anyway because she was still in school.
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I started literally started to work and whatnot.
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And for, I think for the first semester I went to college.
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No, no, no, no, I went to college after that the I took a
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semester off when I graduated from high school, I took a
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semester off and done with the A&T January of 2004 N Carolina
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Agricultural Technical State University Aggie Pride in 2004,
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right? So that's cool for me.
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So I went to school, She was still in school.
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She didn't have no plans of going to college or whatever.
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I was like, this girl ain't for me.
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I, she ain't trying to, she ain't on the same level.
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So I'm literally starting to look out to other people,
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started talking to other people, started partying with my friends
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and stuff like that. So I'm started neglecting her.
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And you already know what happens, right?
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You started neglecting people, they started to distance
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themselves from you. So she's like, not dumb, she was
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a smart girl, but she started distancing herself from me and I
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didn't like that. I didn't like that at all,
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right? So I actually hated that because
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I wanted even in my young narcissist days, I still wanted
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to be the centerpiece. I still wanted to be the one
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that's in control. I wanted to be the one that
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would could break up with you and not necessarily have you
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break up with me. That's how it felt, right?
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So I was still calling, texting her or whatever the case may be.
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We we couldn't really call a text much because this is before
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really cell phones got started. You mean this is back in 2003,
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2004, like so long ago. Damn.
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Just 20 something. I'm old, man. 20 years ago.
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The hell? That is crazy to me. 2003, I
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graduated 03. Yeah, 22 years ago.
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I'm 40. That's crazy, man.
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But yeah. So I'm still texting her, doing
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whatever I can, calling her house, whatever.
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He's still talking and talking and talking.
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Then years, few years go by, she ends up graduating.
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But you know what? She she doesn't go to college.
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I'm still, I'm moved to Greensboro and I'm like working
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in, I was not working at Block, but I was, I might have been
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still been working at Subway. I worked at Subway in Greensboro
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for a while. So I'm working at Subway in
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Greensboro. She started working at this
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plant in Reedsville. I think it's called Quality
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Associates. I used to work there a long time
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ago too. That was my first, one of my
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first jobs. But then the rumors started
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floating around. They're like, yeah, ain't your
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girl talking to somebody else? I was like, is she now knowing
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that I'm up here doing dirt, I'm doing dirt, I'm talking to other
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people, I'm flirting, I'm doing all kinds of stuff, but I didn't
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want her talking to anybody else because I still want to be in
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control. You see, even at a young age,
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it's like 20/21/22 years old, I'm still trying to be in
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control. I'm still out here trying to do
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my thing. I'm still want other people,
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right? I'm still exploring.
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I don't want to just I only have one girlfriend my whole life.
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That would have been sweet, right?
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That's not like one of those sweet movies.
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But that's not really what I wanted, you know, that's to me
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because you have you have a bunch of friends around.
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You didn't talk to a lot of girls.
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I didn't want to be the one that just talk to 1 like you're lame,
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you're lame near your lanes. Peer pressure and ego, right?
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Peer pressure and my ego. So I'm still talking to other
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people. I heard she's talking to
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somebody else and I was like, are you talking to somebody
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else? She's like, no, no, no, no, no.
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So of course I didn't want to have that.
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So we end up breaking up for something.
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I think she was just saying we were going, our lives are going
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to different directions, which is true right now.
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Look at it now, years ago, it's absolutely true, right?
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Our lives were absolutely going to different directions.
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I was trying to go to school and do have a career and do stuff
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like that. She just wanted to be at home,
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be a mom, whatever, right? So we end up kind of breaking
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up. I was like this is kind of this
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is too quick. So I went to her house and she
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wasn't home and it went to her house and she wasn't home.
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Guess what she was at at the new dudes house and she was talking
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to I was like, what the hell, heartbroken playing Usher.
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So I'm playing Usher. This is 2000.
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This back in the early 2000 I'm playing Usher moving, moving
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mountains. I don't need moving mountains
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that came out like that came out back then I'm listening to still
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my favorite, still my favorite song to this day.
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Can you help me by Usher Still my favorite song to this day.
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Can you help me Usher need a need a shout out, man, can you
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help me? So I'm listening to that song
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knowing what she's doing. And then she finally confessed
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and said they have been telling somebody else, blah, blah, blah.
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I'm heartbroken, I'm angry. And then of course, custard, a
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little bit rattle, we have a little razzle dazzle.
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And then I hadn't talked to her in years.
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There's it. This has been 20 years, 20
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something years now. They haven't talked to her.
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That stung for a long time because you felt that betrayal
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even though I was doing even though I was betraying her,
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because I was talking to people doing other stuff, which was
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which was not right. I will openly admit that it was
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not right. And but she moved on.
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She did. I think she still might.
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She might still be with the same guy now.
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I think she might still be married to the dude now, which
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is good. If y'all see this video, shout
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out to y'all. Y'all doing good.
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Shout out to y'all. And this is 20 years ago.
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So if they're married or whatever the case may be, good
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for them. But back in the day, yeah, they
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hurt. It sucked, right, to go through
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that. And I feel like part of that
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shaped me in my early years because I didn't know how to be
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in relationship. The only thing I knew about
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relationships was reading Cosmopolitan magazine.
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Y'all Cosmo, Remember Cosmo magazine?
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I used to be in the bathroom reading Cosmo.
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Celebrities are like, they're just like us.
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And what women won't always read the What women want sections?
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Girls are girls want this. So I used to try to mimic the
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things that I read in Cosmo magazine to try to get women to
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like me, right. I was like, girls like funny
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boys. They gotta be funny.
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So I'll see my sister. You see why part of my sense of
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humor comes from just because like you want girls like you
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just be funny. So I was part of my sense of
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become from it's a trauma response as well.
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But like it works. I'm I'm them.
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They're a comedian, but that ends up being a big piece of who
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I am. And like that relationship
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shaped me because I definitely betrayed her first and then she
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ended up betraying me and then, well, she broke over me.
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So but she was already talking to somebody else and she
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betrayed me too. You, you did you did you see
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this? You did do it, Bella, you didn't
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do it. But it's all good, man.
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But but you see, even at a very young age when I was in love, I
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still was doing a cycle of narcissistic abuse.
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Even when I didn't know it was a cycle of narcissistic abuse.
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I definitely met her love bomb there devalue her and I
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discarded her emotionally, right?
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I still physically trying to be with her about they had
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discarded her emotionally, which is still not good.
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Everybody gets emotionally discarded, you know what I mean?
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So I just like I was still doing the psycho narcissistic abuse,
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being toxic, even though I was 18/19/2021 years old, even
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though I was super young. So I started a very young age
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again because I didn't know how to talk to women.
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I didn't know how to have a healthy happy relationship.
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But also I just didn't know. I just don't like still to this
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day, I don't know. I know now I'm being married for
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14 years. I've been married for 14 years,
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together for 14 years. Like, hey, I've been riding.
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I know. I know what I'm doing now, but
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it's a learning process. When I first got into the
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relationship, I didn't know I was being toxic.
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My friends were talking to other girls even though they had
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girlfriends, so I thought it was okay.
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I didn't think it was okay. I just wanted to fit in, right?
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I knew it wasn't okay. I feel weird doing it, but I
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just wanted to fit in, you know? So I just like in that part of
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it. That's really is part of how I
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got to this point right now. Who I am like building.
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It's like I feel like I had to build myself up brick by brick
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to get to this point of where I am at right now.
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My healing, my, my healing and my growth.
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The journey, seriously, it's just like I had to go through
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that pain. I had to go through the hurt.
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I had to go through that betrayal.
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Even though I did take that out on women between between that
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relationship and when I met my wife, I didn't take that anger
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and that frustration out on a lot of the women then I did meet
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in between that point because I was, I felt betrayed.
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I didn't trust women no more. Again, because I didn't trust
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myself, I took, I didn't give my all to their first relationship.
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I was at first, but then once I got a job and once like life
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started moving and I realized that like this ain't how it's
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supposed to go. Life is good.
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Life has got to be different. He and me, I just like we were
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not equally yoked, right? We just were not like I, like I
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said, I have no idea what she's doing nowadays.
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Haven't talked to her in 20 years, whatever, however long
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it's been, but I hope she's doing well.
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I really do hope she's doing well.
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I hope her and her husband are happy over there.
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Some kids running around might wait.
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We might be old enough to be grandpa, my grandparents now.
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No, but for real, man, that's part of it.
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So I hope you all enjoyed this story.
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Send me your stories. You want to tell you a story
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kind of how I'm telling mine? Send it in
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courses, every single thing. You have a Merry Christmas and a
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Happy New Year. Peace.