Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #838 Why Dads Need to Dad

Transcript

#838 Why Dads Need to Dad · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Now, Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson. It's so good
• 0:13
  Speaker 3: to have you here. Kel and Lucy are two radio
• 0:16
  Speaker 3: announcers at the Light FM in Melbourne, and I recently
• 0:20
  Speaker 3: had a chat with them about all things Dad and
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: Father's Day in the lead up to Father's.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Day and he joins us, Now the wonderful my icon
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: of parenting and all things family. He hates that doctor
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Justin Coulson, Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. No matter
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: where everyone is listening, how are you going, Justin, Lucy?
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: It makes me feel nervous when you say that. I'm
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: feeling nervous. I'm feeling apprehensive, I'm feeling worried. I just
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: don't know if I can live up to it.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: You're gonna have to the other day I was asked,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: I said, who's your who do you look up to
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: for parenting? Who's your icon? And I was like, you
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: know what, doctor Justin Colson. Just I agree with everything
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: he says, Like I'm one of those people. I'm like, yes,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: that's exactly right.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Fun thing we love about Justin, though, is yes, he's
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: got his TV shows, he's got these podcasts. He knows
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: all things about parenting. But you do let us know
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: justin that you are a mere mortal and sometimes parenting
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: is tough even for you.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, six kids keep you humble. And Paul and died
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: and died.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Well, you know, Kell and I whilst we host a
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: radio show together, we actually got married about a year
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: ago and now together we have five children. So I
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: have four bonus kids. Kel has one bonus kid. So
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: we understand what it's like having a massive, massive family.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: And that's what we wanted to chat about really this morning,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: with Father's Day just around the corner, all things dads
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: and how we can encourage our dads to be kind
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: of the best dads they can be. I mean, we
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: talk a lot in this space when it comes to women.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: We talk about mothering a lot. Just generally in society,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: we don't really talk as much about men, and I
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: think that's to our detriment.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: I've recently had an experience that might highlight what a
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: whole lot of research has been telling us for a
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: couple of decades now. Traditionally, researchers have mainly looked at mums.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: Mums are easier to access, mums are more inclined to
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: help scientists with their studies. Mum research just happens a
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: lot more. But around about two decades ago, some researchers
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: started to ask some hard questions about dads and their importance,
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: and they found some incredible things, especially that kids need
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: their dads so long as dad can be safe, even
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: if we're not in the relationship together. If the relationship
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: is split up, kids need their dads. And I could
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: talk about all of the different stats and all the
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: different science, but sometimes real life is more helpful than that.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: Just in the last week or so, missus Happy families.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: Kylie has gone away. She had ten days away. She
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: went to a conference and just had the best time
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: while she was gone, which meant that I was at
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: home with the kids. I was working full time, I
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: was looking after the kids, doing all the extra curricular stuff,
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: looking after the folding and the ironing and the washing
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: and the dishes and the cooking, and in other words,
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: I was being a parent right. And I'm not looking
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: for a metal, although if you have one for me,
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: I'll take it. The thing that I wanted to highlight though,
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: was what I observed, and that is that life is
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: better when dad is home and involved. Now I know
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: that that's not possible for every family, but we just
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: do better when our family is together and we're working together.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: It was just wonderful. I travel a lot for work.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: I'm gone all the time at conferences and giving talks
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: all all over the country and even internationally. And to
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: have that ten days where I sat at home with
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: the kids, worked my tail off, but I was there,
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: and I just thought, oh, this kind of feels like
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: back in COVID when we all said we're going to
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: be committed to slowing our lives down, we're going to
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: work more together, and we kind of forgot as soon
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: as the restrictions lifted and it got chaotic. It just
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: it emphasized to me just how important dads are in
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: their kids' lives.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: I know when I do my counseling, which I do
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: very often, and during a recent counseling session, I was
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: talking with my counselor and we were talking about the
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: fact of relationships between the child and a father, and
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: she said to me that a relationship between a dad
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: and their children is rely on what the dad is
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: willing to do. How the dad is willing to open up,
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: how the dad is willing to connect. I'd love to
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: get your thoughts on that, because I think sometimes dads
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: don't know how to dad. Obviously, we learn as we
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: go along. Sometimes we inherit some ideas from our own father.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: It's an interesting place to spend some time thinking about,
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: especially if you are a father.
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: The one would answer is involvement. Involvement being present, participating
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: in life with your kids. I'll give you an example,
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: cal how do you feel about board games? Like if
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: someone says, hey, dad, let's play Monopoly, do you look
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: at them and smile and say, oh, what great idea?
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: Can't wait for this?
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: It depends on the board kid.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Look, I can pipe up. I'll find him on a
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: weekend lying on the floor playing battleships with his kids.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: Ourship is a big one.
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: The thing for me with board games is let me
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: do anything else, get me out of the house, let's
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: go and be active. Let's just board games. Stick flaming
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: bamboo shoots under my fingernails. Before you make me play
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: board games. I just can't stand it. But recently we
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: had while Kylie was away, we had a game of Monopoly.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: The kids really wanted to play, so I side and
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: I rolled my eyes and I did all the things
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: that kids normally do when we asked them to do
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: something that they don't want to do. Dragged myself to
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: the table, sat down, dished out the money, decided that
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: I had to be the banker, and then we started
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: rother dice two and a half days of monopoly. Once
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: you start, there's just something delicious about participating in and
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: being involved in your kids' lives. It was it was
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: so much fun. Now again, I can't stand board games,
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: but I'm almost getting weepy thinking about how beautiful it
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: was to sit around the dining table for about six sessions,
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: each lasting at least an hour, hour and a half,
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: maybe even longer, across two and a half days as
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: we battled through this game of monopoly, and I just
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: thought to myself, Wow, I mean, I'm the pairing expert, right,
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: I've writen nine books about this stuff, But this is
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: what it's about. It's about laying on the trampoline and
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: staring at the clouds, or going for a bike ride
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: around the nearby park or lake and dodging the magpies.
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: It's about building the cubby house on the lounge room floor.
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: It's about the snuggles and the cuddles in bed as
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: you read stories and introducing them to the world of Narnia,
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: or to the Princess Bride, or to whatever it is
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: those things. It's about involvement. It's about connection and the
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: kids feeling seen, heard and valued by you. I can't
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: think of anything more more precious.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: Than that, doctor, justin while we still have you here.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: We've got Father's Day coming up this weekend, big day
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: for dads on Sunday. I think you would be ready
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: to speak into how dads can make the day not
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: just about them but about their families. Of course it
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: is Dad's Day. Maybe they get some burnt toast and
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: some soggy cereally in bed. But it's a real opportunity,
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: isn't it to be the sort of dad you want
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: to be.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and it requires intention, set it up ahead of time.
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: We've got time now to set the intention and let
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: everybody know this Father's Day, whatever you've got planned, we
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: want to make sure that we get to spend time together.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: So long as you've got time. There's this cheesy quote.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: It's been around the parenting world for at least four
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: or five decades now. I have no idea how to
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: attribute it, but it goes like this, to a child,
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: love is spelled I'm gonna get weepy Oh. To a child,
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: love is spelled T I am. To a child, loves
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: pell t me. It's cheesy, it's caught.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: I can't believe that.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: It's made my eyes go a little bit wet. But
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: when it comes to Father's Day, let's make sure that
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: we allocate the tim It's just so beautiful to be
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: able to spend that time.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Together Doctor Justin. I love I'm not gonna lie. I
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: love parental guidance. I was a mad fan of that,
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: and I think it is the voyeuristic part of thing.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I'm to judge parenting from the safety of your own
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: house and scream at the TV and then also learn
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: I did love it. But one thing I loved on
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: all the series so far is you always come with stats.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: So it's not just like I remember in season one.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: You weren't just like, don't smack your kids, it's bad.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: You were like you had statistical evidence. You always have
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: all this empirical statistical evidence that backs up everything. I
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: love all the data you have. So when it comes
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: to dads and new findings and data, what have you
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: got for us? What is the science showing us?
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: Okay, let's break this down. We can talk about how
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: dad's benefit the family. We'll talk about how dads benefit
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: their children specifically, but I also want to talk about
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: how dad being pre benefits both mum and dad being
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: present actually benefits him. So we'll go through the fall.
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: Let's start with the family. Just a couple of things
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: off the top of my head. Research shows that when
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: dad is present, the family tends to have there's a
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: greater income, high levels of family income, reduced risk of poverty,
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: and it gives the family the flexibility that they need
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: because everyone's not stressed all the time, so you've got
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: a little bit of margin. There's less time pressure, so
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: the family feels different. The family feels better when we've
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: got a well functioning, happy, contributing father. The benefits to
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: the kids, though, have listened to this, and I've got
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: a list here. Reduced rates of prematurity and infant mortality.
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: This is even before the baby's born, less crying as newborns. Now.
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: I know some people are saying, oh my baby cried
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: a lot, but we're talking about on average. There are
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: fewer academic challenges, children have reduced risk taking behavior. There's
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: lower delinquency and adolescence. There are fewer behavioral challenges. There
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: are a fewer mental health challenges. There's increased physical activity levels,
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: less substance use and abuse, better social functioning, and fewer
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: romantic relationship problems. Reduced risk of early sexual experiences and
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: teen pregnancy. And children with both parents present and a
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: dad specifically involved in his kids' lives, those kids have
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: increased earning potential as adults.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: Benefits to list, Benefits to mum. Mums have fewer health problems,
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: ability to offer high quality parenting, more time apparently for
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: leisure activities, although a lot of people are going to
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: say no, but imagine if dad wasn't there, And typically
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: we see increased mental and emotional wellbeing. But for dad,
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: this is what I love. Greater engagement in service organizations,
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: improved diet and physical activity, decreased risky behaviors, less alcohol use,
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: and strengthened intergenerational family ties. Across the board. Everybody benefits
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: when fathers are involved in their kids' lives, even if
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: they're not living in the same house.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's big, isn't it. It is big. And I
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: know there's a lot of people out there in single
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: parent homes, and I know they sometimes find those father
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: figures in other places, which is beautiful, like uncle step
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: up and grandfathers and friends can come around kids if
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: the biological father isn't there for some other reason.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: Justin it's been a pleasure to be able to catch
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: up with you. Thank you so much for all your time.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: You're a very busy individual, and I know everybody is
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: trying to get a little bit of wisdom out of
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: you when it comes to being a parent. But we
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: have it on good authority.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Little Bertie tells us it's going to be a very
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: special Father's Day for.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: You for the not too distant future.
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: You have a very good source. My eldest daughter and
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: her husband are expecting their first baby in about two
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: maybe three weeks, so I'm about to become a grandpa.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: What are you going to be called? Do you know
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: what you're going to call yourself yet? Is it Poppy?
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Is it gramps? Is it grampy?
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: I have no idea, no idea at all, and I'm
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: fine with any of it. So long as I get
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: to nurse that little baby and cuddle it and tickle
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: it and love it like crazy, That's kind of all
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: I care about.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Do you know what will be very I think incredible
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: for you you to watch. We'll be watching your daughter
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: parent that child using so many of the things she's
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: learned from you. Like how amazing will that be? Like?
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: That'll be full circle watching your parenting now affect your grandchild.
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: I suspect I'm going to bite my lip more than once,
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: but we'll see how we go. That was Lucy and
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: Kel breakfast announcers at the Light FM in Melbourne, talking
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: all things Father's Day. Our Happy Family's podcast is produced
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce to our
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: executive producer. For more and fo about making your family
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: happier as always. Visit Happy families dot com dot you
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: and check out our upcoming Father's Day webinar. Can't wait
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: to tell you more about it. All the details are
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: at Happy families dot com dot you.