Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 258. Why It Is The Lower Desire Spouses Responsibility To Fix The "I Don't Want/Like To Have Sex" Problem... Or Is It?

Transcript

258. Why It Is The Lower Desire Spouses Responsibility To Fix The "I Don't Want/Like To Have Sex" Problem... Or Is It? · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's that time of the week again.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with your hosts, nick and Amy, and today's episode is why it is the lower desire spouse's responsibility to fix the I don't want to or like to have sex problem in marriage.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: This is going to be a controversial topic and I think there's going to be a lot of people listening that aren't going to like what we have to say and that's okay.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Our job is not to share things that make everyone happy, to please everyone.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Our job is to help people deal with the problems in their relationship that are keeping them from having the marriage and relationship that they want, and sometimes those things are going to be hard, but hopefully these hard topics or discussions that are maybe sometimes hard to hear um can can make you think and open up your mind and and lead to having better conversations and a better relationship overall.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: So you're just smiling at me I you said, is it the lower direct, lower desire, spouse's responsible responsibility to fix the?
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: I don't want like to have sex problem.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: I'm looking at you like is it?
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: Is it really their problem?
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: uh, well we'll dive into that we'll dive into that.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: So We'll dive into that.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: So before everyone's like, oh no, this is going to be controversial, remember, you've got a husband here with a high drive, you've got a wife here with a low drive.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: We're going to have a great conversation because we got both sides.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: We got both sides talking right now.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: Right, Exactly.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: That's the great thing about yeah it might be controversial're gonna get both of our sides, both of our opinions and, believe me, we, we don't hold back.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not just gonna be one-sided.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: And oh yeah, you're a high desire spouse.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: Why, you know?
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: Why should I just listen to you?
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: because me and nick can honestly say that a lot of our, our thoughts on the whole sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy topic we haven't always agreed right, like we did a podcast episode where nick stated um, does the wife always control, or the lower drive, spouse control when sexual intimacy happens in the marriage?
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: More in the fact that you were thinking that's not okay, right, and I stepped in on that podcast, I'm like no, that it's not.
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: That's not how I felt I was.
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: I felt like you, having the higher drive, was the one that controlled that.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: So I just wanted to point that out because we have different interpretations and different feelings on these things and you're gonna hear both sides.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: So yeah I'm sure it's gonna be great.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: I have no idea what nick has prepared today, so it's gonna be.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: No, I just amy just kind of sat down I said I got a podcast episode we're gonna do and she has no idea what I have prepared and and purposely right so I mean right, we like these comfort conversations before we jump in, I it's really important to point out that this topic in this episode that we're talking about is we're talking to people who are in a good relationship, that have love and respect but, um, you know, maybe have this problem to where the wife just is like I don't want to have sex.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Therefore, we're not going to have sex.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: We're not talking about people or couples that are in relationships where there's, you know, resentment and serious issues.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Okay, so we want to point that out before you email us and thrash us and say you know again, we're this is for people that have good, healthy relationships but we have to do a little disclaimer.
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: See, that's like if you're having a healthy relationship, you're probably not having this problem, though, because if you're trying to figure out if a wife or a low desire spouse is saying I don't want to have sex, I don't like to have sex, your relationship is probably already in place where it's not healthy, right?
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: well, not necessarily because I think there's a lot of women out there and think of all the messages we get.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: I mean, you get messages on instagram flooding your inbox and I get emails and messages as well.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: We get a ton of messages and it typically goes like this I'm a husband, I'm the high desire spouse, we have a decent marriage, a good marriage, and my wife just has zero interest in sexual intimacy, so she'll tell me to take care of myself, or she'll tell me that you know what.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: This is just something you're going to have to deal with.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: These are the types of couples that we're talking about, and it can go both ways, but to me that would not be a healthy relationship.
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: I would chop that up right there and then that if you do not have an intimate life or your spouse doesn't think that's important, I'm going to put you in the you do not have a healthy marriage category.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: Okay, so let's talk about that because from some women's point of view, they would say yeah, we have a fine relationship, I just don't enjoy sexual intimacy.
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: From the husband's standpoint, you're right he might say I don't feel like our relationship is healthy and great, don't you agree that both people need to feel like they're in a healthy relationship for it to actually be healthy, though, yeah, but unfortunately that's not always the case.
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: Remember me telling you I'm just saying in my perspective, in my thoughts if a husband feels like he's not getting his needs met and the wife's like I'm great.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: My emotional needs are met.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: I don't need to If he's not getting his needs met and the wife's like I'm great, my emotional needs are met, I don't need to.
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: I don't need to If he's got the higher drive and his sexual needs are not being met and I'm fine with that.
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: I'm the wife, it's like I'm fine with that, my needs are being met.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: I would absolutely say that is not a healthy relationship, because I feel like to have a happy house, you have to have two happy spouses, right?
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: I agree?
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: But so a great example is a while back I felt like everything was going great right In our relationship.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: And I asked you the question.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: I said hey, on a scale of one to 10, how satisfied are you with this?
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: And I was thinking you'd come back and say, oh, a nine or a 10.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: But you didn't.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: You came back and you said, oh, I'm oh a nine or a ten.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: But you didn't.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: You came back and you said, oh, I'm like a seven or whatever, right, right.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, man, so we talked about that and we figured out how to make that issue better, right?
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: So the point I'm trying to make is I thought everything was okay everything maybe wasn't, I guess, perfectly okay, right.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: And so we talked about it and we figured out what to do.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: I think, from the messages that we get, overall, the feeling is that a lot of Lotus, our spouses, and a lot of it's the husbands are reaching out to us and saying, man, I do everything, I love her, I provide emotional intimacy, I do everything I can to have a great marriage and we do have a good marriage, but she just doesn't want to have sexual intimacy because she has no sexual desire.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: And we're seeing a lot, a lot of couples in a situation like that, and the point I'm just trying to make is a lot of times, as couples, we can feel like you know I'm sorry backing up a little bit From the husband's standpoint.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: You know I'm sorry backing up a little bit from the husband's standpoint.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: You're right.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: They're saying I don't feel like our relationship is great because I'm not getting the sexual intimacy.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: But the wife might be thinking, yeah, the sexual intimacy is great because that's not affecting her.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: So a lot of times as a couple, when something is not affecting us, we don't look at it as a negative way or a negative thing.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: But if we're a spouse, where that is affecting us, we're going to look at that as a negative thing or in a negative light, so to speak.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: Okay, does that make sense?
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: kind of so, um, yeah, well, and I think, I think what we're hearing from a lot of low desire spouses too, is that the reaction from their wife is, or vice versa, but the reaction from the, the lower desire spouse, as well.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: I just don't enjoy sex, therefore we're not going to have it.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: And you have to deal with it and almost push it on the high desire spouse like it's their problem.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: They got to figure out the solution, they got got to deal with it.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: You know, maybe go take care of yourself, do whatever you need, because it's not my problem, it's your problem.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: And so you have one spouse the low desire spouse that, just to them, it's not an issue or a problem because they just don't desire it.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: The high desire spouse, it's an issue or problem because they have that high drive, they desire it.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: I also want to point this out, and again, this can go both ways.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: But if you were at the, if you were preparing to get married, and your spouse came to you whether it's a husband or wife and came to you and said just to let you know, um, we are going to have a basically a sex free marriage.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Do you still want to get married?
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: I can promise you that 99.99 or a hundred percent of the high desire?
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Spouses or the husbands maybe we'll just reference the husbands would say, no, I, I love you, but I'm not going to get married because that is.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: That is part of feeling love, that's part of the relationship, that's part of connecting as a couple.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: Um, what are your thoughts on that?
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: As I say that, oh, I 100% agree with you.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: I 100% agree with you.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: It's no different than a wife.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: It's no different, like we've said before.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: If a wife asked her husband, um, or she, if a husband said to her let me rephrase this if a husband said to a wife before they got married hey, our marriage is awesome, can't wait to marry you.
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: By the way, I'm going to step it back in the romance department.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to be super emotionally connected to you anymore.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: Will you still marry me?
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: A wife's going to be like wait what?
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: Wait what?
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: I'm not signing up for that.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: If you were saying I don't desire this.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Therefore, I'm not going to give it to you in our relationship 100% of the time.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: I believe the other spouse would say, well, that's not what I want.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: I want an intimate, connecting marriage where we're connecting on all levels, emotionally and sexually, and things like that.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: So the point I and again, this goes both ways, but I'm going to reference and just say if a wife is a lower desire spouse and just, for whatever reason, has no desire for sexual intimacy or a husband If they have no desire for sexual intimacy.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: It's not good to just say I don't have that desire.
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: Therefore it's being cut off and we're not going to do this in the marriage absolutely so well, we just did a podcast recently about do you feel like you have received what you signed up for when you got married?
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I don't remember what we called it but same kind of thing.
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: Right like I signed up for these things in the marriage.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: You signed up for these things.
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: We thought we were compatible.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: You get into marriage and it's like a lot of these couples are saying I was duped, I was tricked.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: Like my wife had this high drive and wanted to passionately kiss me and then all of a sudden we have a couple of kids and she's just like, oh, that's not important to me anymore, I'm done.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: That's what you're important to your spouse.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: They should be important to you.
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: That's commitment.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah absolutely, absolutely.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: We talk about that all the time.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: But again, going back to it, like it's not fair for the high, the low, low desire spouse to just say I'm, I don't enjoy doing this.
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: Therefore, it's your problem.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: You go figure out what you need to do, because you're the higher desire spouse, whether it's to take care of yourself or whether it's just deal with it or whatever.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like that.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: That is what we're saying is.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: That is, that is not right.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: Um, that is not a marriage and that is not a marriage that's going to last or be a healthy marriage.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: And what we're saying and we're going to dive into this podcast is if you are a spouse that feels that way, that you just don't have the desire for sexual intimacy for various reasons which we're going to get into that's not your spouse's fault to deal with.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: That is something you need to deal with and figure out why you are feeling that way, because that shouldn't be normal.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: Maybe for a lot of women it is normal, or some men, but it shouldn't be normal because you are the one that is dealing with that issue that's impacting your marriage in a negative way.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: Therefore, you need to figure out what is causing you to feel that way, and I would say it's not 100% on you.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: You should do it together, as a couple.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: It depends on what it is, and we'll talk about those, right yeah?
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: So let's jump in and talk about the reasons why a lower desire spouse would feel this way and, obviously, instead of just pushing it aside and saying, well, I feel that way, therefore, I'm not going to give my spouse the needs that they have what can be done to address these things Right.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: So the first and big, big one, I think that a lot of people deal with is, you know, stress, anxiety, depression.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: That can be a real sexual intimacy killer um, we haven't really suffered with this in our marriage at all, but we've talked to plenty of people who have, and we've had plenty of friends or families that have members that have.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: The hard thing about this is that, yes, you're like, you're depressed, you need to get some help.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: You need to recognize that.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: You need to get help right Like we're putting I mean, we're adults right.
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: If something's wrong with us, it's not our spouse's job to go make us a doctor appointment.
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: It's not our spouse's job to go get us fixed.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Because they don't know what really you're feeling inside.
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: But it's just not even their responsibility.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: in general, you can tell them and say, oh, I'm feeling kind of bad in this way, but you can try to explain how you're feeling, but you're the only one that really knows how you're feeling and what's going on.
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: The problem, though, with depression is that sometimes a spouse doesn't realize they have it.
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: They don't.
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: I mean it's different than being sick, like I have the flu or I have anxiety and depression.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: Those kinds of things sometimes aren't seen by the person that's experiencing them, so this one's a little bit different.
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: My heart goes out to this, because if someone's really suffering sometimes in this situation, it is the spouse that can, like, point things out and be like I want to help you.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: I notice you're feeling like this.
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: I notice that you're suffering, that you're sad or something's really bugging you.
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: So I don't want to say that it's always your problem to go fix something.
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: There are situations.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: I just want to point out, before we start this, that some of them do take love and some of them do take understanding and paying attention to what your spouse is going through, and seeing that and being like you know what this is affecting both of us.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: I can really tell it's affecting you and I'm here to help you because I love you.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: Let's go get the help that we, you need to help our marriage Right, and I think what you're saying on this subject is sometimes, uh, the spouse going through it might not recognize that they're maybe going through it but it's easier for someone looking outside, such as a husband, spouse, to see hey, something doesn't seem right, you're not, you're not acting your normal self, or you know what can I do for you.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: And I totally agree with that.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's not something that spouse recognizes, but the other spouse does.
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: I mean, I know we're going to get into low libido and that's the kind of thing where I know we're going to talk about that, that that person like, if I recognize I have low libido, I need to fix that Right, like that's absolutely.
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: But like I'm just saying, like on the depression thing, there's stress or the anxiety.
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: That can be a couple kind of problem where the spouse can really come in and be like I think that you might be suffering with this.
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: This is, this is your symptoms, that you might not even be recognizing, and so all these things that we're going to discuss can really be yeah, yeah, it's not all just the one person's problem, but I still there's still parts of things where we're like we need to be accountable for them and if it is affecting our spouse, we need to take responsibility for that.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: Right for sure and I think that's what I'm getting at is like is if, rather than the spouse just using that as an excuse and saying I'm just not in in the mood, therefore we're not going to ever have sex, because I don't desire it.
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: The spouse needs to say why don't I desire it?
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: What can I fix?
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: Because this is having a negative impact on my marriage and my spouse.
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: And if you don't think that's going to have a long-term negative impact or consequences in your marriage, you're fooling yourself.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: You're absolutely fooling yourself Because, again, going back to it, 100% of the spouses would have said, no, I'm not going to go in a relationship like that, and so it's unfair for them to go into a relationship and then be told that, hey, by the way, now we're married, I'm cutting this off, or I'm cutting this off, or you know, whatever that is that's.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: That's not fair.
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: Um hold on.
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: Let me, let me pause you for just a sec.
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: Let remind, let me remind the couples the sexual intimacy, like we always talk about, sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy go hand in hand absolutely, let me just I know we state that in every single podcast episode.
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: but, speaking to the wives right now emotional intimacy and some I understand that, some of the high drive wives it's more the sexual intimacy, but it's still emotional intimacy for them too.
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: The emotional intimacy in marriage is key to a loving marriage.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: Like a wife needs that.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: They need to feel loved, respected all those things that we always talk about 100%.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: If a husband cut that off, the marriage would not last.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: The marriage would suffer so bad.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: Or not only just cut it off, but said you know what?
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: I just don't feel like providing you the emotional intimacy you need.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: You're on your own.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: Go figure out how to get those needs met.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: How would you feel?
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: Exactly, and so if you turn that around, if you're a wife that doesn't understand how important sexual intimacy maybe your mindset is it's just sex, it's just physical.
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: Go look at our posts that we do with the Pulse, where thousands of husbands have stated what sexual intimacy means to them.
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: They have stated in their words I want to feel connected to my wife.
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: This is how I feel loved, this is how I feel desired, this is how I feel appreciated.
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: It's not a physical release.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: It's an emotional connection with my wife.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: I was going to say if you look at all those, all of those, none of them said I just want to have sex.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: None of them.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: They were all like a way to connect, a way to feel loved, a way to feel appreciated and desired.
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: But what I was going to say is that, unless you're a man, you have no idea how their body was created and how their body works.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: Like you can say all day long that's not important, that's just a physical thing.
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: You can say all day long that's not important, that's just a physical thing.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: If you're a wife and you've never been a man which you haven't you can't really say that yeah, Right, I have no idea what it's like to need a sexual release, because I literally was not created like that.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: And I have no idea what it's like to go through a period or different things like that.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: I have no idea.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: We're just created different.
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: So we need to be respectful as married, loving companions to each other.
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: If this is important to you, why don't you explain that to me?
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: Why don't you explain why that's so important to you?
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: Why don't you give me your feelings on why sex is so connecting to you and why sexual intimacy is so important to you?
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: Why don't you make me feel that, like Nick has done with me before and I can say this is the kind of things that I need and this is why it's so important to me.
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: And if you're in a real, loving, committed marriage where you are literally taking your commitment and your vows and your promises and your covenants whatever you want to call it a hundred percent like you, take that very seriously.
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: Both sides of these are equally important.
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: Equally important, yeah and I feel like nowadays, with social media and just the way the world's going, we're taught to be selfish.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: We're taught to not do things that others want you to do, but just to focus on what makes you happy.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: The problem with that is when you naturally when you focus on only the things that are going to make you happy, you're going to neglect so many other things that are so important.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: It's not bad to do things for your husband or do things for your wife that maybe you aren't overly excited to do, but you do them because you know it's important to your relationship and your marriage.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: I bet 100% of the men out there would say that you know it's not their favorite thing to do to go to work every day and be stressed and do those things they do it, or some wives do.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: They do it Exactly Because it's important.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: It's important to the marriage, it's important to support the family, it's important to everything.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: What if a husband just said you know what?
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: I'm not feeling like.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: I want to work, so you're on your own.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: You got to figure out how to take care of your own needs, right I'm going to take care of my own needs.
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: That that would not be right, obviously, and so Well, the entire point is that we all signed up to have a passionate lover, romantic, connected kind of relationship like.
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: I don't know anybody who ever signed up and said let's just be friends, let's be roommates, let's provide for each other everything but emotional, sexual needs.
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: Right, let's just be friends and roommates, we'll raise a family together.
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: I don't know anyone that signed up for that and no one would sign.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: nobody would sign up for that and no one would sign up for that?
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: Nobody would sign up for that.
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: I know no man would sign up for that Exactly.
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: I mean, if you really look into it and you're really honest with yourself, there's no husband out there that would be like, yeah, sign me up for a sex-free marriage.
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: That's not how men were created.
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: That's not how God created men.
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: Exactly it that way, but we're not going to do that in this episode.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: Can we just jump to low?
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: libido real quick.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: Let's jump to low libido For the next one.
• 23:16
  Speaker 3: I have been a low drive spouse for years now.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: I would say I don't know if it was stress.
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: I don't know if it was.
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: I don't know if it came from providing financially for the family for many years.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: I don't know if it came from resentment of stuff that we went through in the past.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: I don't know if it's health.
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: I don't know if it's literally a health issue, like there was a point last year where, like you know what, I miss having a drive, I miss desiring that, like I literally do, like I want to want to connect with you in that way, like I want to have a passionate marriage in that way.
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: So I had to self-reflect on myself and think, okay, I have, I have low libido, I've ruled out.
• 23:56
  Speaker 3: Okay, no resentments anymore.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: Okay, I, if I'm stressed, then I let Nick know and I, I, I let him know when we work as a team to kind of, you know, take that off of me a little bit, or vice versa.
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: So you start ruling out these things and I'm like, okay, this has to be a health thing.
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: Right, this has to be medical, this has to be my hormones.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: So I went and I did it myself.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: I made my own phone call.
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: I'm like for him, for our marriage and for myself, I'm going to go get my hormones checked.
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: I'm going to go get lab work done.
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: Came back, it was normal.
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: Okay, maybe it's not a medical thing or health thing, maybe I am just bored or maybe I need more excitement in my life.
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: Like what is it?
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: And we figured out okay, sexual intimacy just wasn't feeling as good for me.
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: I needed to do some different things to make it more enjoyable the whole time.
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: So, anyways, we had these conversations, but the whole point of this is that I started to self-reflect and be like what is causing me to feel like this?
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: Because it is affecting our marriage and that's what it takes, right?
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: Because low libido I'm not naturally going to initiate when I'm not thinking about sex.
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: I'm not naturally going to put it at the top of my schedule when I'm not thinking Like my body's not telling me I need it, like him.
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: And this can go vice versa for any wife that says I have low libido, it's just not a need of mine, it's not important for him if it's not important for me.
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: We've already stated this before, but we've had friends that have gone and gotten testosterone shots or the pellets or whatever treatment they got, where they became the high, high, super, super high drive spouse, right, yep, and they would be like honey, make love to me, and he's just like I have a headache.
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: Crawling in the corner like, oh, not tonight, we've already done it today.
• 25:42
  Speaker 3: Like literally have completely swapped roles and they have stated to us I had no idea what he was going through, having a high physical sex drive.
• 25:56
  Speaker 3: I had no idea what that felt like until I became that person, and so I just want to vouch that when your libido is low and you get it up to where it needs to be, you will understand what your spouse is going through and, really importantly, how did the wife in these two cases?
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: how did the wife feel when they got rejected?
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: like every other man says hurt, undesired, lonely, not prioritized and and and for.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: For a couple of these couples, they were wanting sex like almost pretty much every day, right, and the husband was the one that's like I can't keep up with this.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: I can't keep up with her, yeah, and even every day if they were rejected which they were they still felt, like Amy said, undesired, unloved.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: So imagine you have a husband and all he wants to do is connect once or twice a week.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: Right, you know he's, he's like you know what.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be strong, I'm going to control this drive.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: But I just once or twice a week is is all I want to connect with you.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: Um, imagine how they feel when they're constantly rejected or being told that you know what sex is important isn't important to me.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: Therefore, you deal with it yourself, you figure things out, this isn't my problem.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: And then it's pushed on them as if something's wrong with them, and then I mean we get husbands saying all the time it's like why do I have this?
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: Strong of sex drive.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: I feel like it's something's wrong with me, or you know, start questioning themselves right.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: So you hit on resentment a little bit, and I think that's really important to talk about, and I would say resentment, though, falls more under the non-healthy relationship category, but we do need to talk about and address it, and I will say this just from personal experience in our marriage and also holding resentment from other people outside of our marriage.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: I will say that holding on to resentment is a huge thing.
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: If, if you can't let go of resentment, you're gonna have a hard time moving on in your relationship.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: Of course you're not gonna want to make love to your spouse we get that whether you're a husband or a wife and so you've got to figure out a way, as a couple, to move on from that resentment, because if you don't move on from that resentment, you're not only going to lose your marriage but everything good around you just because of holding on to that anger or that resentment well, and we always talk about emotional connection coming first.
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: Resentment kills emotional connection.
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: I think that's one of the biggest killers, right?
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: And we're commanded if you're Christian, if you read scripture, we're commanded to forgive, to be forgiven, right?
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: None of us are perfect.
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: So I think we need to rethink how important it is that we forgive our spouse.
• 28:44
  Speaker 3: We're talking about simple things, like I'm not talking about massive things.
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: Go to therapy, go figure out if that's something to forgive, but you still have to forgive.
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: But the things that I'm talking about, the simple things that people hold on to, that are upset about that.
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: They hold on to a long time.
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: This shouldn't be.
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: Oftentimes couples are like I never knew you were even still thinking about that.
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: That was in the past and here they've held on to it and it's affected so many aspects of their life and I think that's typically women that do that because we're so emotionally needed to be connected before sexual intimacy.
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: I think most husbands are like, okay, it's over, let's go make love right.
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: Or high drive spouses.
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: If you want to say that women are like, if they're holding on to anything like that, yeah, that's not, that's not gonna happen.
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: Yes, from a husband standpoint.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: They want that reassurance by connecting that you know what, everything's okay, I still love you.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: That's why a husband wants to connect sexually is to that reassurance that everything's okay.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: And typically a wife's going to say, oh, you're not, you're not even getting close to me tonight.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: You might not get close to me for a month.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: I'm you know, no way.
• 29:57
  Speaker 3: That's not fair.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: So, anyways, obviously resentment can do very big things.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: You've got to address that and get rid of it in your relationship If that's one of the things that's keeping you from, you know, wanting to be sexually intimate absolutely, and we talked about that in our last podcast about forgiveness and how important that is, because it's the poison that kills you, right?
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: absolutely, we gave some really good analogies in our last podcast about how not forgiving and holding on to resentment over dumb things in your marriage literally wrecks your intimacy.
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: So I think we need to take that one a little more serious.
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: Yep, I love the next one, not being satisfied in the bedroom.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: That is one of the things that we talked about, right, absolutely.
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: I talked to Amy and she's like you know what.
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: I just don't enjoy it like you do because it lasts a long time for you.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: It doesn't last a long time for me.
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: The physical pleasure part Problem solved doesn't last long time.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: For me, the physical pleasure part problem solved.
• 30:52
  Speaker 3: We addressed it together as a couple problem solved, at least I think so.
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: You have to talk about it, but you have to talk about it, that's that's one of the things a lot, a lot of women express.
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: Let's dive into that a little bit, because there's a lot of women that this is why we created the app and this is why we launched products right.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: There are a lot of women out there that are like I don't enjoy.
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: I never had an orgasm.
• 31:13
  Speaker 3: I only have orgasms every so once in a while.
• 31:16
  Speaker 3: I physically don't enjoy it like you do.
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: This is the one that we're talking about right now, where that comes down to you.
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: You have to figure out your body.
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: You have to tell your husband what you need.
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: You have to experiment or or, and really communicate around sexual intimacy.
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: When it comes to, that is on you, because your husband has no idea what feels good if you don't tell him what he needs to do.
• 31:40
  Speaker 3: If you don't tell him.
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: They're even struggling with that If you don't tell him.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 31:45
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 31:45
  Speaker 3: So like talking about the things where the one spouse really needs to take ownership of that.
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: This is one of them.
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Exactly.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: And finally, if you're not emotionally satisfied in marriage and we totally recognize, we totally get it that if a spouse is not providing the emotional needs, the sexual intimacy is not going to be there, Absolutely.
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: I mean we've had multiple podcasts the last few weeks on this subject is not going to be there.
• 32:09
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, absolutely, go.
• 32:09
  Speaker 3: I mean, we've had multiple podcasts the last few weeks on this subject.
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: If you need emotional connection ideas, yeah, yep.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: And I think again I want to hit on.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: We've hit on this already, but I want to state it again because I think it's so important and Amy stated on it as well is you can't dismiss your spouse's feelings just because you feel a certain way just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean that she feels the same way or that the problem is hers to to deal with because I feel a certain way.
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: If I don't desire sexual intimacy, it's not thrown on her, it's not her problem that she has to deal with.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: It is my problem.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: I need to find out why I am feeling the way I do and then, with my spouse's support, get it resolved or get the help that is needed, because, again, it takes two.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: You can't just assume that your spouse understands how you feel or dismiss their feelings because you feel differently.
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, and I just want to reiterate on what commitment is.
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: If you look back and you were serious about being committed to your spouse, then all these things become a team effort.
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: If somebody's struggling with the marriage, if someone has an issue in the marriage, if there's a problem in the marriage, if there's something that's causing a fight, that means it's important and it needs to be discussed and needs to be resolved, and it's the two of you against the problem, not vice versa.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and don't you think this is probably the one of the most common things or issues we see among couples?
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: Sex, lack of sex, lack of emotional intimacy, absolutely so that's.
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: That's again why we're talking about it and approaching this very tough subject and if you don't agree with us and your attitude is like yeah, I don't like what you had to say, I'm just gonna continue to do what I'm doing.
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: That's fine, do that.
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: But I promise you you got no chance of having a good long-term marriage and your marriage might not even survive it because you're completely dismissing your spouse's feelings and the way they feel loved, the way they feel desired seriously and work together as a couple to identify.
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: Why do I feel the way I do and how do I?
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: How do I fix?
• 34:35
  Speaker 3: this, so to speak how do I fix, how do we fix?
• 34:37
  Speaker 3: How do we?
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: fix this together, um, because your, your marriage, will never get to the point that you want it to me.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: If, again, if, you're just just dismissing your spouse's feelings I mean, you can live like roommates if you want.
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: That's not to your spouse, though, cause your spouse probably didn't sign up for that, but you're never going to thrive, you're never going to have an awesome marriage, and I believe that every marriage, even if you're struggling right now, if you're at the bottom of all lows right now, I feel like you can turn it around.
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: I feel like we see couples all the time on the brink of divorce, like we don't even like each other anymore.
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: Turn it around and become super passionate again.
• 35:12
  Speaker 3: All they do is implement a few things and they're like whoa, I let go of that resentment.
• 35:16
  Speaker 3: Oh, I started realizing why you have needs.
• 35:18
  Speaker 3: Oh well, thank you for fulfilling my needs.
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: Now I want to fulfill your needs.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: Like it really just takes one person being humble and being like I don't want this anymore.
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: It's all almost just like an attitude switch.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: It's an attitude change, changing just a couple things.
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: I love that you hit on that because I think a lot of couples look at this and say, oh my heck, I can never get to a good point, to where my marriage is going to be amazing, because all they can see is what's going on now.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: But the difference between having a marriage where you get divorced and an incredible marriage is not that big of gap.
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: It's it's easy to get from a spot of despair and and feeling like nothing can can be good to having the most amazing marriage that you ever imagined.
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: Um, that is so obtainable and it's actually a lot easier to obtain that than you think it is.
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: All it takes is for both spouses to want it.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: If both spouses want it it can happen.
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: Actually I don't.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to say fairly easy it does.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: It does take work, but it can also happen fairly easy.
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: We are one of those couples that were in a very difficult and tough place um to.
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: I feel like I couldn't imagine our marriage being any better now.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: That doesn't mean we're not going to have other obstacles or face other problems or challenges or things like that, but I can honestly say it didn't take that much to transform our relationship.
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: It was just the different tools and learning the things that we needed to do.
• 36:52
  Speaker 3: It was literally an attitude shift.
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: I will listen to you, you listen to me.
• 36:57
  Speaker 3: We're going to care about how each other feels Like genuinely care by becoming a team.
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: I'm only happy if you're happy.
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: I'm only happy if you're happy.
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: With just that one attitude shift, our entire marriage turned around.
• 37:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah Well, I'm talking like within a month from like I don't like you anymore.
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: I don't even know if I want to be in this marriage anymore.
• 37:18
  Speaker 3: To like, oh my gosh, like this is incredible.
• 37:22
  Speaker 3: And I fully believe that most marriages can switch around like that with a little attitude change.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: And that is why we quit our careers and everything else that we were doing to do what we're doing is because we know there are so many other couples out there that feel like their marriage is in a maybe a very difficult situation.
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: But with just a little bit of changes, a little bit of help, um, they can get to a point to where they never imagined they could be happier.
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: And that's why we call it ultimate intimacy, or finding ultimate intimacy, and it is obtainable, absolutely.
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: It absolutely is, and it's not that far out of reach.
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: So, to kind of wrap this thing up if you are a spouse that, just for one of these reasons, has no desire to be sexually intimate with your spouse the high desire spouse do not dismiss their feelings.
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: Do not put it on them as if it's their issue.
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: Go out and get the help that you need.
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: Identify why you're feeling that way, and I think it should be pretty easy to identify.
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: Is it a?
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: Is it depression or anxiety?
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: Is it a low desire, low libido?
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: Is it resentment and hard feelings that you're holding onto?
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: Is it a lack of satisfaction in the bedroom?
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: Or are your emotional needs not being met?
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: Um, I think if you really look at it, it's probably going to be pretty easy to identify what is causing you to feel that way and then sit down and talk together as a couple and figure out how you can get those needs met so that you can connect in many other ways.
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: Which usually comes down to having some conversations.
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: Back to communication, right Back to communication.
• 39:08
  Speaker 3: Everything comes back to communication, right communication.
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: Everything comes back to that, but we hope you enjoyed the podcast and we hope that each one of you can really find the ultimate intimacy in your marriage that you were looking for.