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Why They Always Come Back When You're Finally Over Them · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on beautiful people Lee hammock your
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  favorite. You can have a favorite diagnose
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  narcissist here with another episode today.
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  Today we're talking about the Hoover and why narcissist come
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  back out of nowhere. Why they why some of them refuse
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  to leave you alone while they wait till you think you are
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  healing and then all of a sudden Bing message Bing e-mail.
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  I was just in your neighborhood. They show up out of nowhere.
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  Why is that y'all? Why is the narcissist trying to
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  Hoover and things like that? I think a lot of people think
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  that narcissist love you and care about you right?
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  And that's why they keep reaching out.
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  May like some of you have it in your minds that they finally
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  realize what they have done wrong and they want to make
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  changes and they want to be good this time.
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  You probably heard that line 1000 times.
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  Like the narcissist, they say the same things over and over
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  again, especially if it keeps working.
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  Why would they change something that works, right?
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  Maybe in your mind you're thinking that you're telling
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  yourself this story, that maybe they figured out what they've
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  done wrong. Maybe they are finally ready to
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  listen and take accountability. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe,
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  maybe if maybe had a baby. They call it maybe, maybe call
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  it maybe's baby. But you know they don't.
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  The chances of a narcissist changing are very, very low.
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  Just rarely if ever right. But for a narcissist's
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  perspective, it's not because they love you or miss you.
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  The reason that they reached out, it's because they typically
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  missed the supply. They missed the narcissistic
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  supply they had. They missed the access that they
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  had to you. They're not done with you just
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  yet. They still think that you belong
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  to them, right? So today we're going to break
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  down the mechanics of the narcissistic Hoover, why we do
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  it, why we as narcissists do it, and why the second or third
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  round, fourth round, fifth round gets worse.
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  Why it gets worse the more time you go back, it gets worse.
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  So before we hop too deep in today's episode, make sure you
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  check out my website, mentalhillness.net for all
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  things Lee Hammock, coaching courses, everything, Zoom calls,
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  phone calls. I have text message coaching
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  coming up as well. Check that out, Mental
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  hillness.net. But let's get the love thing out
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  of the way. I know some people just like
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  they love me. That's why they reached out.
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  You want that to be true, don't you?
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  You want that to be true. But narcissists Hoover you it
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  because they missed and supplied it.
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  Or if they've moved on, the narcissistic supply that they
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  were getting from whoever else they were talking to has run
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  out. It has run low.
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  It is non existent. So here they come again to try
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  to get into your life, to try and mess with you.
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  That's the space right there that goes on.
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  They are trying to get back into your life, to disrupt your life.
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  It really is like if I'm a, you know, narcissist can't be by
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  themselves. I think that's clear and evident
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  to everybody who's ever dealt with a narcissist that
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  narcissistic people struggle to be by ourselves, right.
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  So if we in a relationship and we feel like the new
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  relationship is sizzling out, like the spark is gone, we're
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  not getting the the same level of narcissistic supply that
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  we're that we were getting from the new supply.
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  We are no longer getting right. We're no longer getting that
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  same level new supply. So because I think this
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  relationship is going to end, guess what I do?
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  I start reaching out to my exes. I start contacting my old
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  supplies. I start liking old pictures.
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  I unblock you and pop back up in your likes or your story views,
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  right, Your Instagram, Instagram story views.
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  Now you see me, where did I come from?
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  And your mind is like wondering what is going on?
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  Why did they unblock me? Why they watching my story
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  again? Do they finally care?
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  Have they changed? All these questions are running
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  through your head and my only question run through my head is
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  are you seeing it? Are you noticing it right?
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  Do can I, should I reach out? Should I contact you?
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  Hopefully, hopefully you'll be the one that contacts me because
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  if you contact me, I'm good to go.
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  I'm back in there. I'm back in there like swimwear
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  because they. If you contact me, hell yeah, I
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  got it. You see what I'm saying?
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  If you contact me, I'm already. I'm good to go.
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  You, you took a lot of the work off of my plate.
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  A lot of the work that I thought I would have to do.
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  You taking it off my plate. I don't have to do anything
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  else. You're doing it for me, You're
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  doing it for me. So if works, that's why I do it.
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  Sometimes it works. You mean so the Hoover or
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  they're the, the, the, the subtle Hoover.
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  They're reaching out. They're not reaching out.
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  They'll make sure that you see me.
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  They're asking your friends about you.
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  I can ask your friends about you.
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  I can contact your mom or whatever.
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  That's a Hoover. It's a, it's a, it's like kind
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  of like an ownership test. Make sure to see if my key still
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  look the key to your life. See if it still works.
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  See if you change the locks. And again, if you respond, I
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  know the lock has not been changed and I can come back into
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  your life even if you have someone else, even if you've
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  moved on and but you don't block me and still allow me access, I
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  still think I can get you. And sometimes it's true.
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  I've done one O ones with people before with a narcissistic
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  they've they've moved on, they're in a new relationship,
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  they're narcissistic ex unblocks them, hoovers them and they
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  leave the new relationship to go back to the old relationship
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  only for it to fail and them leave you.
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  They leave them leaving you high and dry.
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  Don't do that. That's ruining you.
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  So many people be ruining their their lives and give the
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  narcissist another chance. It's wild, but I get it, right?
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  It's crazy, but I get it, you know what I mean?
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  And I just feel like that's what ends up happening to so many
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  people over and over again. But again, you will get some
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  some narcissists don't move in silence.
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  They will try to Hoover you. They'll try to do what I call
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  the active Hoover, right? They'll actively be trying to
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  come back into your life. They will actively do something.
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  They'll actively just drive past the park or something like that
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  where y'all used to frequent. Drive by your favorite
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  restaurant or your favorite coffee shop or something like
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  that and they'll send you a picture of it.
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  They'll just say, oh, I'm thinking about you.
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  Roll by your favorite coffee shop.
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  Roll by that park, that park we went into where I clap the
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  cheeks in that park. Go by there and get me thinking
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  about you. Hope you're doing well or
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  they'll just do something like that.
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  They'll use nostalgia or good, the memories of the good time.
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  Send you a picture from when you first met or a picture when you
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  first smiled or something like that to get you thinking to get
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  you to drop your guard. That is also a Hoover they'll do
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  on that. They'll do the type of stuff
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  right there. And that nostalgia is hope.
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  When a narcissist is sending you something nostalgic, their hope
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  is that it bypasses the bad stuff, it bypasses the abuse, it
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  bypasses the bad times. We go straight to the good
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  times. That's what the nostalgia Hoover
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  is about, right? They'll use in the old good
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  times to hopefully bypass the bad times and get you talking.
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  Another thing that narcissists will do in this situation is
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  they'll offer you a fake apology.
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  I noticed that we all get tired of hearing that.
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  Like they'll send you a message or e-mail out of nowhere or
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  write you. Someone will actually write you
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  a letter and just say something lame.
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  I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realized that I
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  wasn't perfect. I realized that I might have
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  done you wrong. Everything was not as good as it
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  could have been, and I'm sorry for that, right?
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  I'm sorry for that. But like there's no specificity
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  in there. But somebody saying I wasn't
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  perfect, they're still not taking accountability for what
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  they've done. They didn't just come out right
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  and say I was abusive. They're still trying to blame,
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  trying to deflect and trying to take away some of the the
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  veracity of it. They're trying to like, not
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  necessarily devalue it. They're trying to do to diminish
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  what they've done. They really have.
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  They very rarely offer a true authentic apology.
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  They'll just offer what you might perceive as an apology to
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  get back into your life. It's very low effort.
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  It's very low risk. And sometimes when you are wait,
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  when you are still in a vulnerable state or you're still
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  healing, it might work. Oh, they said that they were
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  sorry. They finally are taking
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  accountability. They said they weren't perfect
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  but they also say you were not perfect either.
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  We both made mistakes. Neither nobody is perfect in a
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  relationship and you both you did some wrong too.
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  That's not an apology. This is really is just bait out.
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  And I'll just also say this right here.
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  There's some narcissists who will use a crisis in their life
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  to reach out. They'll wait till something bad
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  is happening and they'll absolutely reach out to you.
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  Like this is manipulative as hell, right?
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  They'll say something like the dog that the dog is sick.
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  My goldfish went belly up, my octopus snug out the snug out
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  his aquarium. I can't find it anywhere.
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  My cat meowed for the last time. Or they just say that they they
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  themselves are sick. Or they'll use your crisis like
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  you might be going through something and they hear it
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  through the Grapevine. Or they've been stalking you and
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  they're use your vulnerability as a reason to watch out.
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  Crisis and vulnerability or vulnerability.
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  Hoover's work for narcissist because they are weaponizing
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  your empathy or your need for companionship against you
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  because like I said, and if this is the, this is the most
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  manipulative way to get you to break no contact because you
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  don't want to feel like a bad person because you didn't
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  respond to me. My mom is sick.
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  My dad is saying, hey, I know I beat your ass every day for the
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  last 25 years, but my mom is sick.
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  I don't want to go through this by myself.
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  My dog is not barking anymore. My cat's meow box is broken
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  again. My fish went belly up, not belly
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  down. It's floating at the top of the
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  tank. I don't know what to do.
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  Do you know, do you know a fish doctor that I can take my fish
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  to? Come on now.
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  They know they're using your best qualities against you.
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  And This is why I haven't A high capacity for empathy can be your
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  downfall because you don't want to feel like a bad person for
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  reaching out. And like I said, y'all, you're
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  not a bad person for not reaching out.
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  You're not a bad person for not breaking no contact.
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  They forfeited the ability for you.
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  That the right, the the reason for you being there when they
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  treated you horribly. You're not a bad person.
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  Yeah, I, I don't think I'll understand how many one on ones
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  or resume I've done or phone calls that I've done what people
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  would just say, hey, I was doing good.
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  And then somebody in their family got sick.
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  Somebody in my family got sick. Something bad happened and we
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  ended up reconnecting and I gave them another chance.
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  And guess what, Lee? After I gave them another
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  chance, it got worse. Was the neck top the neck topic,
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  the next topic of why the more you go back, it gets worse,
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  right? If you go back, the abuse will
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  accelerate. You know what I mean?
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  Maybe that maybe the time before you took them back, it was three
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  months, then two months, then one month, then the next day
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  after y'all got back together, y'all slept together and now
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  they're being abusive the very next day.
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  It, it happens, y'all. When you accept a Hoover, a
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  narcissist thinks that's you. That's you accepting their
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  behaviors, that's you accepting the bad treatment.
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  That's you saying that you are OK with, you're OK with whatever
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  they put you through, right? You're telling them that.
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  I'm not saying that you're actually saying this, but this
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  is how narcissists perceive it. When you respond to a Hoover,
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  you're telling us you can treat me like trash, discard me, cheat
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  on me, abuse me and I will still take you back.
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  You just handed them, like I said, the permission slip to do
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  it again and they're going to do it again.
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  This is why when you go back it gets worse.
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  Like the love bombing phase will absolutely be shorter this time.
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  If there is a love bombing phase, sometimes they come back.
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  Y'all just pick up, pick up where you left off.
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  There's no love bombing phase, there's no apologies, and they
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  don't have to work hard to hook you.
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  They got you. They're not going to go above
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  and beyond for somebody that they've been with for 10 years.
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  They're just going to give you the bare minimum until you
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  accept them back in their life. And then the evaluation phase
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  will start. And then they will get meaner
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  and then they will try actually. Yeah, they they will present you
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  for taking them back. They're going to look at you as
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  weak for taking them back like that.
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  I can't believe you. You forgave me again.
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  Wow. They're going to look at you
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  like you like you're weak. I'm not saying you weak.
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  This is just how a narcissist is going to view you.
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  Damn, you fell for that same old trick again.
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  Damn, What's wrong with you? So if you go back to a Hoover or
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  after a Hoover, you are not going back to the same person
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  you fell in love with. You're going back to a person
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  who the mask is off. And they're going to let you
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  know that that mask is off. Big time.
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  Big Bigley, right, Bigley. So you have to empower yourself.
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  How do you well, Lee. OK, OK.
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  How do I stop the Hoover? Hoover is like, like I said,
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  y'all know where the term Hoover came from?
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  It's like a vacuum cleaner, Hoover vacuum cleaner.
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  They suck you back in. You have to realize that the
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  Hoover or the vacuum cleaner only works if it's plugged in
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  and you're the you're the power source.
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  It only works if you plugged in. If the Hoover keeps working,
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  they're going to keep getting unlimited powers like so you're
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  like you are solar power, a solar powered vacuum cleaner,
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  right? So when that text message or
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  that e-mail comes through that or that DM on Instagram or
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  Snapchat message come through, you don't have to.
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  You don't have to take it. You can block them.
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  It doesn't mean that they miss you.
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  It really does mean that something's going on in their
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  life. Supply is low.
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  They need something from you. It's a transaction.
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  They're trying to be transactional.
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  Again, you literally have to be a black hole.
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  You like not even Gray rock. You can block them.
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  You don't have to respond to them.
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  If you don't have kids, you don't have to respond to them.
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  You don't have to respond to them at all.
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  Block them, give them silence. I know somebody, somebody like,
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  I'm just going to I'm just going to ignore them this time.
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  The more you ignore, the more they're going to see that as a
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  as a response. You didn't block me.
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  So I still think there's a chance you stay on you stay on
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  solid ground when you by realizing that that narcissistic
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  person is just the same person who ruined you and they've
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  gotten worse, right? They've gotten worse.
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  The good version that they bring up, the good times that they
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  bring up or not no longer existed.
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  They might have happened, but they're no longer existing
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  y'all. So watch out for that Hoover
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  attempt, y'all. If you want to learn how to
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  fight a Hoover live and in person, I have a New York an
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  event coming up in New York City on June the second New York City
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  is called the foundation is a live in person Q&A June the
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  second New York City in the Manhattan area.
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  Find more information at www.mentalillness.net/events or
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  go to mentalillness.net. Scroll to the bottom and get
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  registered up. Y'all see y'all live and in
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  person. Thank you thank you thank you as
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  always. Y'all been to who this is out
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  peace?