Latest / Beautifully Complex / 287: Stop Saying “It’s okay”, with Penny Williams

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287: Stop Saying “It’s okay”, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It took me a long time to practice and learn
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: how to show up as a co regulator instead of
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: a co escalator. It can be super transformative for your
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: entire family. My natural response now is calm, and it
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: took me a while to get there, guys, but if
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I can get there, so can you. Welcome to the
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author and mindset mama,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: honored to guide you on the journey of raising your
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: atypical kid. Let's get started. Hello, Hello, friends, Welcome back
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: to Beautifully Complex. I am going to talk to you
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: about something today that has started to really bother me.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: And I think it's because I understand more and better
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: about our nervous system and about our emotions and how
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: they have this complex interplay so that when we are
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: having a hard time, it's not really about being okay
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: in the moment, It's about encouraging safety. And I'll get
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: in deeper as we get into this episode about what
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: that means. Why I've sort of been inspired now to
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: talk about this and how it's really going to help
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: you with your parenting, of course, but also just in
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: your interactions with others and your connections with others and
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: being a good human as we move through the world
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: and interact with other people. So I want to encourage
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: you and challenge you to stop using the phrase it's okay.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: And this is something that I think we are just
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: on autopilot, that we just automatically say this when someone
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: is upset, when someone is having a hard time, when
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: someone is trying to do something that's really hard and
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: they're getting emotional or they're feeling frustrated or stuck, our
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: go to is to say it's okay. So your kid
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: is coming in the door from school. You can tell
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: they've had a bad day. Something's really bothering them. They
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: drop their backpack at the door and go into their
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: room and shut the door and lay down, let's say,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: for instance. And you know our instinct is to go
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: in and try to help, right, Like your intention here
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: is loving kindness. I'm not disputing the intention behind saying
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: it's okay. What I'm disputing is that it actually isn't helpful.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: There are other things that would be more helpful. So
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: if you walk into that room to your kid and
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: you say it's okay, that can feel really invalidating for
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: the emotions that they're having and the experience that they've had.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: It can feel like you are dismissing the fact that
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: they're having a hard time, the fact that what they
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: are feeling is difficult and painful at that time. And
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: I hope that you can see that. Try to put
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: yourself in a situation where someone has told you it's
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: okay when you were feeling really emotional or you were
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: just having a hard time or a hard day. It
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: can feel like you are just being dismissed or that
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: what you're going through. I guess we're more directly, what
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: you're going through is being dismissed, and that can hurt,
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: and that can build barriers and build walls. You know,
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: if our kids were constantly saying it's okay to them
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  Speaker 1: when they're having a hard time and they're feeling invalidated
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: or dismissed every time, what is going to happen? What
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: is the consequence of that One They're going to stop
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: sharing their feelings and their experiences with you. And that's
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: not what we want as parents, In our relationships with others,
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: our significant others, or our friends, if we're constantly telling
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: them that it's okay, what's going to happen, They're going
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: to stop sharing as much. So instead of dismissing that
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: emotional experience that our kids, or our friends, or our
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: family members or our other humans who are around us
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  Speaker 1: are going through, we need to come up with better
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: ways to help them, because, as I said before, I
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: fully realized that the intention is very well meaning. The
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: intention is to comfort in that moment and to encourage
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  Speaker 1: that this is hard right now, but it will get better.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: You will get through this, you will get beyond this.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: But when you just say it's okay, it can feel
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: really dismissive and invalidating. It can also feel like their
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: feelings aren't okay. You know, when you say, oh, it's okay,
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: it can feel like you're saying, why are you reacting
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  Speaker 1: this way? Why are you having such big feelings right now? Right?
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  Speaker 1: Because remember that other people interpret things that we say
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: in different ways, and sometimes they're interpreting it in a
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  Speaker 1: way that is completely outside of what our intention is. Right,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: and especially if you have a super sensitive kid or
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: super sensitive spouse, which I have on both accounts. Then
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: they can really start to fill in more of that
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  Speaker 1: story around you saying it's okay. And we don't want that,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: because very often it's going to be a story of
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: blame or shame, or feeling inadequate or unworthy, or like
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  Speaker 1: big emotions aren't okay. You know, we've talked about so
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: many times on this podcast that all feelings are natural,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: and I am trying to get away from even calling
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: them positive feelings and negative feelings. I think they're pleasant
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  Speaker 1: or unpleasant, they're hard or easy, right, but they're not
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: bad and they're not negative. They're just part of the
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  Speaker 1: human experience. And so we need to help our kids
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  Speaker 1: or the others that we're interacting with to feel like
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  Speaker 1: it's okay to have whatever feeling they're having, because we
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: don't want to start this process of suppressing their emotions.
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  Speaker 1: We don't want kids or anyone to start bottling up
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  Speaker 1: how they're feeling, because what happens then they're not dealing
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  Speaker 1: with it, and eventually it's going to be explosive or
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: it's going to cause other problems. You know, if we
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: keep suppressing our emotions, then we could have more anxiety
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  Speaker 1: we could have depression. We could have kids who are
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: starting to try to self medicate to you know, find
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: other answers for it, like self blame and shame, none
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: of which we want, because none of which is healthy,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: and it's not what we want for our kids or
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  Speaker 1: for our fellow human beings. We want our kids to
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  Speaker 1: feel understood. We want them to feel seen, heard, validated.
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  Speaker 1: That is so so important when we're talking about complex kids,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: but really important when we're talking about any human being. Again,
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: like so much of what I talk about here on
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: Beautifully Complex is just about the human experience. It applies
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: to all of that because at the foundation we are
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: talking about our autonomic nervous system. We are talking about
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: our emotional brain, our survival brain, our thinking brain. This
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: stuff is true for every human being. And so we
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: focus a lot on parenting because that's what we're here
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  Speaker 1: to talk about. But what I'm talking talking about it's
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: true for all of us. It's true for us ourselves
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  Speaker 1: as a parent, it's true for the other adults and
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: kids around us. So I want you to remember that
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: as you start to implement them and apply the things
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: that you're learning here, that they can also be applied
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: to the other humans around you, not just kids. And
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: so we don't want our kids to struggle with self expression.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: We don't want them to struggle with expressing how they're
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: feeling and asking for help with that. We want to
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: first show up with validation. So instead of saying it's okay,
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: which again, I know your intention is well meaning, but
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: there is a better way, and that better way starts
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: with this validation. What your kids need most is to
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: feel seen and heard. That is what makes us be
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: able to connect with other people, to be open to
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: that connection, and to also feel good about ourselves. Because
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: when we don't feel seen, heard and understood, we start
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: to tell stories about why that might be. And those
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: stories are always negative. They're always really just full of
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: blame and shame and have a narrative that something is
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: wrong with us, right, And so we have to show
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: up with that validation, and it doesn't mean that we're
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: agreeing with the intensity of their emotions. Sometimes our complex
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: kids have really big emotions. Sometimes they show them in
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: really inappropriate ways, like being aggressive, saying mean and hurtful things,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: destroying property, you know, that sort of stuff, And that
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  Speaker 1: validation is not validating how they are expressing the emotion.
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  Speaker 1: We're not saying that it's okay, We're not being permissive
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  Speaker 1: with those behaviors. We are validating that the emotion is
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: real for them, which is true no matter how big
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  Speaker 1: it is, no matter how exaggerated it feels for you.
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  Speaker 1: That emotion is true for that kid at that moment period,
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  Speaker 1: and you're validating that that emotion is real for them.
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  Speaker 1: You're acknowledging that their feelings are real and important. They're
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  Speaker 1: important even if they feel exaggerated to you, even if
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  Speaker 1: they feel too big, they are still important because it
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  Speaker 1: is the experience that your child is having in that moment,
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  Speaker 1: and that validation then builds emotional resilience and self awareness.
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  Speaker 1: So not only are we helping our kids and showing
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: up in the best way possible, but we're also building
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: skills when we come into these situations in this more
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  Speaker 1: thoughtful and intentional way. So let's talk about what you
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  Speaker 1: should say instead of it's okay. The first thing that
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: comes to mind for me is you're safe. This is grounding,
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  Speaker 1: and this says I'm here for you and it's going
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  Speaker 1: to be okay. Can you hear the difference between it's okay,
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  Speaker 1: and it's going to be okay. It's okay to me,
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  Speaker 1: sounds like right now it's okay. So if you don't
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  Speaker 1: feel like it's okay right now, then your feelings aren't valid.
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  Speaker 1: But if you say it will be okay, you're saying,
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  Speaker 1: I know you don't feel okay right now, but I'm
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  Speaker 1: here and you're safe, and you will get to a
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  Speaker 1: point where it will be okay again. Right. Do you
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  Speaker 1: hear that difference. I want to say it's subtle, but
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: it's not subtle. It's a huge difference. But the difference
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  Speaker 1: in the words you're speaking are very subtle because you're
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: just adding the will be in there, that's it instead
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  Speaker 1: of it's okay, it's it will be okay, And that
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  Speaker 1: is a huge distinction in the way that it is
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  Speaker 1: received and the way it feels to that person that
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  Speaker 1: is receiving it. So, number one, you're safe. Of course,
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  Speaker 1: you don't want to say you're safe if they're not safe. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: let's be real about that, because then again you're invalidating
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  Speaker 1: big time. So we want to validate the real experience
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  Speaker 1: of our child or this other person, and we want
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: to let them know that they are safe or they
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: will be safe. We can also encourage some hope and
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: resilience without dismissing that struggle by saying things like you
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: will get through this, or we will get through this.
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  Speaker 1: And when you say to a child, we'll get through
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  Speaker 1: this together, I'm here to help you, that is validating.
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  Speaker 1: It's showing empathy, it is saying I see that this
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  Speaker 1: is hard, and I'm here to help you. You are
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: not alone. Again, these little short phrases can pack a
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: lot of meaning and be very very helpful. But there
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: are little short phrases that also cannot right, that are
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: also really invalidating. And I hope that you're really hearing
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: the difference here between it's okay and it will be okay,
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: or it's okay and you're safe. Between it's okay and
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  Speaker 1: you will get through this. You can say you're safe,
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: you will get through this, I'm here to help you.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to do this together. Right, All of those
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  Speaker 1: things just feel better, like it feels better for me
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  Speaker 1: to even say them as I am talking to you
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  Speaker 1: right now. It feels so much better. And I'll tell
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  Speaker 1: you just a quick little personal story about when this
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: really started to bother me for those of you who've
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: listened to the podcast for a long time, and maybe
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: from the beginning or close to the beginning, you probably
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: know that my self care every day is to turn
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: on the TV and turn off my brain. It is
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: the only way that I can get my brain to
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: stop churning on everything that has happened and how I
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: might have been judged that day because of social anxiety,
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: and you know, what I should have done, and what
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I need to do tomorrow, and how I'm going to
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: be more helpful to you, my audience and the parents
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: that I coach, and like it just keeps going, right,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: what I'm I going to do for my kids? Where
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: are we going? How do I help them on this path?
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: And all of the things, like literally all of the
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: things just keep going in my brain if I don't
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: have something else to focus on. And so I learned
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: a very long time ago, especially when my kids were
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: little and my son was super hyperactive and I was
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: so overwhelmed and exhausted and I had so many like
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: what ifs running through my head all the time, that
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: I really needed to find a way to be able
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: to turn that off. And TV can be kind of
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: an escape and sometimes that is healthy, and sometimes it's not.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: You know, if I'm trying to just deflect what my
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: experiences and how I'm feeling and never deal with it,
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: that's unhealthy. But for me, it's just about kind of
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: turning things off, not having to think so much about
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: the what ifs and what is going on for me,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: and thinking more about kind of nothing honestly, so that
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: I can just calm down. And I am a true
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: crime junkie. I have a sociology degree and I'm minored
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: in criminology. I used to actually want to be an
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: FBI profiler, which a lot of you are probably going
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: to laugh as you're listening to that, especially those of
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: you who have taken a course with me or have
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: had a coaching call with me. It seems so opposite
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: of who I am, but it's not really. And because
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: I'm just a student of human behavior. And so as
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: I've been watching not a true crime show but a
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: police procedural, I keep hearing them, seeing them show up
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: like in people's worst, most difficult moments, and they say
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: it's okay, and it just feels wrong to me, and
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: they're doing it with lots of empathy, and you can
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: tell the intention is that they are trying to comfort
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: the person and let them know that they're safe because
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: they are there to help them. But what I see
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: when I watch it now that I know what I
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: know about the nervous system, is that it can feel
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: really invalidating, like I'm sitting there waiting to scream at
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: the TV. It's not okay for them right now. Tell
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: them they're safe, tell them that you're there to help them,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: but don't just tell them it's okay. Right. And So
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: the more I have had that reaction in watching fictional
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: characters on TV, of all things, the more it has
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: brought this up for me and really become very important
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: for me to talk to you about. So let's talk
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: about a little bit of a practical application for not
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: saying it's okay and showing up in a different way
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: with different language. Number One, I want you to pause
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: and reflect before you respond to any big emotions from
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: your child, your teen, your young adult, whoever it is.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: This is something that I always, always always teach no
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: matter what we're talking about with our kids, we need
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: to take a breath, take a big pause, and then
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: respond because we need the opportunity for our nervous system
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: to get regulated to not be reactive, because we are
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: wired to be reactive. That is the way our nervous
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: system in our brain is made to protect us. But
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: we don't need to be reactive every time there's something
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: intense going on around us. And in fact, if we
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: are reactive, we're responding in kind. We're going to escalate
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: the situation. We're not going to be helpful. So I
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: want you to pause and just take a big empathetic breath.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: If you just did that with me, I think you
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: can feel the difference. It is a big deal. Is
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: a little thing that creates big change. Please please, please,
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: And even then, it also is modeling for your kid,
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: and sometimes you will find that they will take a
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: big breath with you because they are also wired to
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: respond in kind. So your step number one when your
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: kid is having big emotions is to pause, take a breath,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: and reflect. And that reflect can kind of be appearenting mantra.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: Mine was always my kid isn't giving me a hard time.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: He's having a hard time, And that was what I
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: would think of in my head after I took that
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: big empathetic breath, And that is giving your thinking brain
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: time to formulate something that is responsive and helpful instead
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: of letting your emotional brain take over and just spout
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: something that isn't helpful. Right, so you're pausing and reflecting first.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: Then you need to validate and show empathy. I can
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: see that you're really upset right now, I'm here with you.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: You're safe. How can I help you? And then third,
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: offer a supportive alternative that matches where they are. That
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: supportive alternative can be you know, can we go for
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: a walk like it could be a regulating activity if
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: they are in a space where they can do that,
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: And a lot of times when our kids have big emotions,
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: they cannot. They need to get through those emotions. Their brain,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: their nervous system needs time to recover and get back
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: to that regulated state. So if you're catching it early enough,
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: you might be able to start in on a regulating activity.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: And mind you that big empathetic breath that is a
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: regulation activity. Deep breathing does regulate our nervous system. But
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: if you come at an intense child and say just breathe,
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: that is invalidating. That is not helpful. So we want
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: to understand our kid, understand the situation, and where they
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: are in their dysregulation and if it's a time where
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: a regulation activity is possible or not. And sometimes that
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: supportive alternative to trying to explain talk them out of
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: or through their emotions is just to sit with them
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: in silence. And that's okay. In fact, I encourage that.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: I encourage you to talk less because the more we talk,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: the more overwhelmed our kids get, the more overwhelmed their
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: system and their brains get. So be really, really mindful
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: of your responses. And sometimes you're going to make mistakes, guys.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you're going to be dysregulated, and then it's a
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: matter of repair. It's okay to make mistakes because we're
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: all human beings, and actually modeling making mistakes and what
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: you do when you make a mistake is so much
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: more beneficial to your kids than hiding that you make mistakes.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: I promise you one hundred percent make mistakes in front
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: of your kids. I encourage it. I want to also
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: talk to you a little bit about building emotional intelligence
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: within this concept of changing the way we say it's
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: okay when our kids are having a hard time to
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: something that's more helpful. So there's a huge ripple effect.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: When you validate someone's feelings, it helps them to better
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: identify their emotions to better regulate their emotions. Right, and again,
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: this is about skill building too. In those moments, we're
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: not thinking about skill building. Right. Our kid is having
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: big emotions, they're intense, things are hard, things are not
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: going the way you want them to for them or
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: for you. You're not thinking about skill building, and I
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: don't want you to. But when you start learning these
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: different ways to respond that are more helpful, they are
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: also skill building. So you're weaving it in without even
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: trying to weave it in, and that's amazing. Like, whenever
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: we can just make these learning experiences part of day
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: to day life, the more successful they're going to be,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: the more effective they're going to be, because no kid
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: wants to sit down and listen to you lecture them
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: and try to teach them how to regulate their emotions better. Right,
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: It's all about doing and showing and showing up in
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: the ways that really validate the experiences that our kids have.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: And then this shift to validating, identifying, co regulating contributes
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: to long term emotional intelligence, resilience, and trust trust in
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: your relationship with your kid that relationship is everything, guys.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: It's everything. When your kid is having a hard time,
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: you have to come into it, protecting that relationship and
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: building that trust. So let's recap really quick before we
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: close the key. Here is instead of saying it's okay,
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: because that can invalidate how someone is feeling, use phrases
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: like you're safe, we'll get through this, I'm here with you,
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: we're going to do it together, I'm here to help.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: How can I help you? All of those things are
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: more effective and feel better to the receiver than just
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: saying it's okay. You're going to acknowledge the challenge of
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: that moment for that person because that is also validating. Now,
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: this change for you can be very, very hard, guys.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: It took me a long long time to get a
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: grip on not being reactive right. It took me a
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: long time to take control of my nervous system and
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: be able to show up as a calm, empathetic anchor
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: instead of more big emotions and more difficulty in the mix.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: It took me a long time to practice and learn
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: how to show up as a co regulator instead of
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: a co escalator. We all want this, We all want
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: this for ourselves. We all want this for our kids.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: It can be super transformative for your entire family. You know,
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: my natural response now is calm, and it took me
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: a while to get there, guys, But if I can
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: get there, so can you. We can all do this.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: We can all show up as that calm anchor for
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: our kids or for our other loved ones around us.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: So I encourage you to try these new phrases this week.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Try you're safe instead of it's okay. Try it will
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: be okay instead of it's okay. Try letting your kid
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: know I'm here with you and I'm gonna help you
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: through this, And try talking less and just being a
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: co regulating presence more. I would love for you, guys
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: to jump on social media and share what those changes
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: have been like. Are you getting any transformation, any difference
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: in your interaction with your kid after you try this
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: pivot in your parenting. You can go to the show
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: notes for this episode at parentingadhdan Autism dot com slash
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: two eight seven for episode two hundred and eighty seven.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: You can have links there on my website to all
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: of my social media. You can find me on Facebook
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: and Instagram and I would love, love love to hear
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: how this is changing things for you, for your kid,
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: for people around you. I am so thankful that you
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: are here, that you're listening, that you are showing up
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: to try to do more for your kid and for yourself.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: I want you to be the parent you want to be.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: I want you to show up as the parent your
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: kid needs, and I hope that this was just a
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: little piece of helping you to do that. I will
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: see all of you next time. Please take good care.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: at PARENTINGADHD and Autism dot com and at the Behavior
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: Revolution dot com.