Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 107: Givers & Takers: Finding Balance In Relationship

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107: Givers & Takers: Finding Balance In Relationship · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  So today we're going to be exploring the idea of givers versus takers.
• 0:26
  Now givers are generally described as being empathetic, compassionate, nurturing, and kind, they give their time, their attention.
• 0:35
  Their support or their resources to uplift and inspire others.
• 0:39
  These are our cheerleaders.
• 0:41
  They're the people that are cheering us on and saying, Hey, you're doing an awesome job.
• 0:45
  Hey, how did that project go?
• 0:47
  How did that presentation go?
• 0:48
  I am just so proud of you.
• 0:51
  They're the ones that show up and cheer us on.
• 0:53
  There's the volunteers.
• 0:55
  They're the people that we call on when somebody has an urgency or an emergency, because they're just so generous with their time and their energy.
• 1:03
  Now with the taker role, the taker is generally going to be prioritizing themselves above others, and they may not even be considering the impact that this might be having on other people.
• 1:14
  They're very good at making their urgency, someone else's emergency.
• 1:19
  They're very good at asking for help.
• 1:21
  They're not very likely to reciprocate.
• 1:23
  They're not very likely to express gratitude.
• 1:26
  And they may be viewed as selfish, entitled, or lacking empathy.
• 1:30
  Now as you know, I am the life coach for the empaths, the highly sensitive people on the people pleasers.
• 1:35
  And something that is pretty common with this population is that they are givers and that's who I've chosen to show up for, are the people that show up for other people.
• 1:44
  And they might struggle to find people to show up for them.
• 1:47
  I want them to be able to experience having their own cup filled.
• 1:51
  Because it is really easy for this population to find themselves in relationships with people who take advantage of their giving hearts.
• 1:59
  They're in out of balance relationships.
• 2:02
  So the givers they want to give and they have oftentimes made it their identity to be the one that shows up to be the one that is helping out.
• 2:11
  And they have a tendency to equate their ability to give to others with their worth or their value in this world.
• 2:17
  Whereas takers, then they generally feel like, oh yeah, I definitely have value.
• 2:21
  And that's wonderful that they feel like they have value because we all do.
• 2:25
  We all do have that inherit value.
• 2:28
  But it becomes problematic when they view it as, okay.
• 2:31
  I have value, but then they kind of dismiss the value of other people.
• 2:36
  So when a giver and a taker are in relationship with each other, then they can experience a lot of imbalance in relationship.
• 2:43
  There can be some resentment there around this imbalance.
• 2:46
  And also generally speaking, the taker is going to be asserting some strong boundaries.
• 2:52
  And then the giver is going to have no boundaries at all, but it's interesting to notice that with the taker, usually their boundaries, they might not even be actual boundaries.
• 3:01
  Now, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while now, you know that a boundary is an if then statement.
• 3:07
  So it would be, if you choose to show up this way, then I'm going to respond in this way.
• 3:11
  But when a taker is stating a boundary, then they might instead sound like, no, it is my boundary that you have to do this for me.
• 3:19
  It's coming through that controlling lens, which again, does not create that loving support in relationship.
• 3:26
  And it can leave the giver feeling unseen.
• 3:29
  Unheard unappreciated.
• 3:31
  And taken advantage of.
• 3:33
  Now I really want to note here that we all have the capacity for both of these roles.
• 3:38
  And they might show up at different times for us.
• 3:40
  So I know for me, I'm generally a giver.
• 3:43
  and when I feel particularly drained, I can be a bit more of a taker.
• 3:47
  And it's interesting to notice in my brain that sometimes I judge this about myself and maybe you do too, when you're a giver and you are actually stating your needs or being a bit more quote, unquote selfish.
• 4:00
  It can feel very out of character.
• 4:02
  And so we might be having those judgmental thoughts like, oh no, I know I'm a taker and I'm very selfish.
• 4:08
  We have a really hard time actually stating those boundaries or stating an actual need.
• 4:14
  And it might be creating a lot of anxiety in the mind of the giver.
• 4:18
  So they're going to be thinking, oh no, now I'm a taker.
• 4:20
  I'm a horrible human.
• 4:21
  But oftentimes those feelings that we're getting around that burnout, that's creating that taker energy, right, where we're feeling the need to be a bit more selfish it's coming from that burnout and that compassion, fatigue.
• 4:32
  And that can give us great information.
• 4:34
  That.
• 4:35
  Okay.
• 4:35
  Now I can see, I do have a need.
• 4:37
  Okay.
• 4:38
  Now I can see that this is a situation where I need to state a boundary.
• 4:42
  It can be very helpful information for us so that we can take the action to create more balanced and reciprocal relationships and create a situation that is more sustainable for us.
• 4:53
  So just notice if you were experiencing that burnout, that it is okay.
• 4:57
  We can use that as information to create something that is more sustainable for you.
• 5:02
  Now I also want to point out that a taker, their mind is going to just naturally work differently than a giver.
• 5:08
  A taker is very skilled at making requests for other people to fulfill their needs.
• 5:12
  It's actually something that we could learn a little bit from that it is okay to make those requests, but they're also going to have a little bit of a different mindset around it, because if someone is a taker, oftentimes it's coming from that place of entitlement.
• 5:26
  Whereas a giver who is experiencing that burnout.
• 5:29
  And they're just feeling maxed out.
• 5:30
  They're going to have the belief that maybe now they're becoming a bit more entitled when really this is just them developing healthy boundaries.
• 5:36
  So if you find yourself having needs and needing to state boundaries, and it's coming through that compassionate fatigue and that burnout, just remind yourself that, okay, this is just what it looks like.
• 5:46
  I'm just being a normal human.
• 5:47
  I'm not a bad person for recognizing that something needs to change, and this can be a good thing.
• 5:54
  Givers often worry that they're going to become a big fat jerk when they start to state their boundaries or when they have to let somebody know that they're not available or they have to tell somebody that will actually, I have a different opinion on that subject.
• 6:07
  They're going to internalize that as oh no now I'm going to be rejected because now I'm a big fat jerk for doing these things.
• 6:12
  And these are things that are not even cruel.
• 6:15
  They're just human.
• 6:15
  It's okay to have a difference of opinion.
• 6:18
  It's okay to be busy and to have to tell somebody no, but the givers often internalize that as, oh no, that's a really mean thing for me to do just because it's not a part of their default settings.
• 6:28
  It's not how they generally engage with the world.
• 6:31
  So many of the people that I coach are givers who are in relationship with takers and these takers, they might be a partner.
• 6:37
  It might be a friend or a coworker, or even a family member.
• 6:40
  And these takers, they tend to gravitate towards the givers because come on, givers are awesome.
• 6:46
  They're very eager to help out.
• 6:48
  They love how it feels when they just see somebody smile.
• 6:50
  Oftentimes that's its own reward.
• 6:52
  It just feels so good to love and to serve.
• 6:55
  And also givers need relationships that fill their cup as well.
• 6:59
  It cannot go in just one direction.
• 7:02
  They cannot be in relationship with only takers with everything going out.
• 7:06
  It's just unsustainable.
• 7:08
  We cannot keep pouring from an empty cup.
• 7:10
  We need something to come back in.
• 7:12
  So here are a few tips.
• 7:13
  If you find that you are a giver in relationship with a lot of takers.
• 7:17
  All right.
• 7:18
  Number one.
• 7:19
  Remember that your needs are at least as valid as the next person's and it's okay to have needs.
• 7:25
  We like to put things in a hierarchy of needs.
• 7:28
  And we think because the other person is louder or they're more expressive about it, that their needs are greater than ours, but this is not the case.
• 7:37
  Their needs are at least as valid as your needs.
• 7:39
  Your needs are at least as valid as theirs.
• 7:43
  Everyone's feelings and everyone's experiences are valid, including yours.
• 7:48
  Now I have noticed that, especially for empaths.
• 7:51
  Because they feel other people's emotions.
• 7:53
  Like they are their own, it is very easy for empaths to dismiss their own wants and wishes because they feel the other person's wants and wishes so strongly.
• 8:04
  And so this can take a little bit of extra effort for empaths to remind themselves that, okay.
• 8:09
  Yes, I can empathize with them and I can understand the gravity of their situation.
• 8:15
  And it's also okay for me to currently be experiencing some burnout of my own that needs attention as well.
• 8:21
  So just notice that for yourself, if you are an empath and remind yourself that yes, my needs are at least as valid as the next persons.
• 8:28
  You do not need to minimize your needs.
• 8:31
  All right.
• 8:32
  Number two.
• 8:32
  It is your job as a giver to set your own boundaries.
• 8:37
  Takers can be kind of oblivious.
• 8:40
  And givers have a tendency to believe that if I keep showing up for them in these positive ways, then they will learn from my example.
• 8:46
  And then they'll know how to show up for me.
• 8:49
  But this is not their default setting.
• 8:51
  This is your default setting.
• 8:53
  It is not their default setting.
• 8:55
  So we like to think that they will eventually see that we're feeling really tired or that we are in need of attention or validation ourselves.
• 9:02
  But they may need this explicitly stated to them do not assume that they are as sensitive to your needs as you are to their needs.
• 9:11
  Because again, that is just not a part of their default settings.
• 9:14
  Their brain just works differently from yours.
• 9:16
  And they might just assume that if you have a need, you will express it because let's be honest.
• 9:21
  That's what their default setting is.
• 9:23
  Their default setting is I have a need.
• 9:26
  And so I'm going to request that somebody meet that need that is their default setting.
• 9:30
  So it is very easy for them since that is their gift and their default setting.
• 9:35
  To assume that if you have a need that you will make a request.
• 9:39
  Okay.
• 9:40
  So just know that that is their strength is asking for help.
• 9:43
  And your strength is seeing the other people have a need and stepping into help.
• 9:47
  Even if you haven't even been asked yet to help out, you already know the need and that is your gift, but that is not their gift and practice leaning into that discomfort of actually speaking up for yourself and actually stating those boundaries around your time and your energy and everything that is going on for you.
• 10:05
  It is up to you to set your own boundaries.
• 10:09
  They are not going to set the boundaries for you.
• 10:11
  The way that things are currently working is really benefiting them right now.
• 10:14
  They have no reason to set boundaries for you because it is working for them.
• 10:18
  So if it is not working for you, it is up to you to state those boundaries, own your piece in the imbalance here, and then take some active steps to correct that imbalance by setting healthy boundaries.
• 10:32
  All right.
• 10:32
  Number three, intentionally, invest into other givers.
• 10:36
  It's really interesting to notice how the givers tend to gravitate towards the takers.
• 10:40
  And the takers tend to gravitate towards the givers.
• 10:43
  And it can be a little bit uncomfortable sometimes for a giver to be in relationship with another giver because frankly they do not know how to receive right.
• 10:52
  And likewise, if you have two takers in relationship, that can be problematic because neither one of them knows how to give.
• 11:00
  And so that is also going to create conflict in relationship.
• 11:03
  So notice for yourself when you have a need and ask yourself, where can I get this need met?
• 11:09
  Look intentionally for the givers.
• 11:13
  And this might be people that you're actually in relationship with in your day to day life, where you might even think, oh, you know what?
• 11:18
  I don't actually talk to them all that much, but I've noticed that when I do talk with them, they're really good at listening.
• 11:24
  And they're really good at holding space for me.
• 11:25
  I think I want to intentionally invest into that relationship a little bit more.
• 11:30
  So maybe you do already have people in your circles that are already really good at holding space for you and showing up when you need something.
• 11:37
  If so, intentionally invest into those relationships.
• 11:41
  It's really easy.
• 11:41
  As I said, if you're a giver to get sucked into the relationship with takers, it takes a little bit more intention to create those relationships with the givers, but it is so worth the investment.
• 11:52
  So, if you do help people in your circles that are givers and you can tap into that.
• 11:56
  Awesome.
• 11:57
  Do so.
• 11:58
  But if you find that everybody in your circle right now is a taker and you're just feeling completely depleted.
• 12:04
  It is also okay to look outside of your circle and find paid professionals that can fill that need for you.
• 12:11
  For example, investing in a coach or a therapist, these are people that are paid to hold space and to be there for you as you learn the tools needed so that you can step out and assert yourself and request to have your needs met.
• 12:25
  So think a little bit outside of the box about where you can go to get your own cup filled and who you could talk to to have that cup filled and to have your needs met.
• 12:34
  And also as a side note, if you are surrounded with only takers, it can be beneficial when they taker does do something kind for you and does fulfill a need for you.
• 12:43
  To really express gratitude for that, to reinforce those behaviors and build in that reward system so that they will see, oh, that actually felt pretty good.
• 12:51
  And then hopefully we can eventually create a situation where now it is more balanced and more reciprocal in that relationship.
• 12:59
  All right.
• 13:00
  Number four, practice, self care.
• 13:03
  Please don't assume that the other person is going to know what is needed.
• 13:07
  Again, that is not how they are programmed.
• 13:09
  This is not their default setting.
• 13:11
  Okay.
• 13:11
  They're not just going to magically know what it is that you need.
• 13:14
  You are a very sensitive person and you know what people need before they've even said anything.
• 13:19
  That is your gift, but they do not have this gift.
• 13:22
  So take some steps to proactively fill your own needs.
• 13:26
  Now we did talk about finding other givers to help you to get those needs met.
• 13:30
  But also think about it in terms of self care and what that might look like.
• 13:34
  If you don't have others around, think about what it is that you really want or need right now, for example, are you needing to feel nurtured then you might want to consider treating yourself to a massage.
• 13:45
  Or maybe you want to go to a concert or a movie, or maybe you want to spend some time in nature.
• 13:49
  But think about, okay, what is it that I really need right now?
• 13:52
  And how can I get that need met?
• 13:54
  Maybe you invite somebody to come along with you, or maybe you practice going alone.
• 13:59
  Something that I've noticed in my practice as a lot of people, they really struggle to go out and do things on their own.
• 14:05
  They're so used to doing things that other people want to do and tagging along on adventures, that they have a hard time initiating and inviting people to come along with what they want to do.
• 14:14
  Or they have a hard time doing these things by themselves.
• 14:17
  So practice leaning into the discomfort of learning, how to fulfill your own needs.
• 14:22
  And this might mean inviting someone along, or it might mean going and doing something by yourself.
• 14:27
  Even if it's going out to dinner or to a movie, it can actually be a lot of fun to do these things by yourself.
• 14:33
  You just have to practice it a little bit, right.
• 14:36
  So ask yourself, how can I be my own best friend?
• 14:39
  What is it that I need right now and apply those tools that you've applied to everybody else to yourself.
• 14:45
  It is your gift to know what other people need and to show up in those amazing ways.
• 14:50
  So turn that around onto yourself and use those gifts to bless your own life and show up as your own best friend, identify your own need, and then fulfill those needs.
• 15:01
  All right.
• 15:01
  Number five, speak up.
• 15:03
  Find the people that align with what it is that you want to create by sharing what it is that you actually like share your likes and your dislikes.
• 15:10
  You can practice sharing your, wants, your wishes, your desires, or even your opinions.
• 15:15
  I remember coaching one person where they struggled so much with their people, pleasing that even stating an opinion was a significant challenge for them.
• 15:24
  In their mind, if somebody had a different opinion from them than a difference of opinion, equated to conflict or to a fight.
• 15:32
  And so it really created a lot of anxiety for them to even just state an opinion.
• 15:37
  And so I encouraged them to just in casual conversation once a day.
• 15:42
  Express an opinion.
• 15:43
  So this might be about the TV show that you watched last night or that new restaurant in town, but I encouraged them to find just one thing to state an opinion about.
• 15:52
  And just practice being okay.
• 15:55
  Stating an opinion.
• 15:56
  If this is you, then I highly encourage you to do that.
• 15:58
  Just practice, sharing things about yourself, let people know what it is that makes you tick what it is that you like, what it is that you don't like.
• 16:05
  Oftentimes givers, they really mute those parts of self because they're so consumed with what it is.
• 16:10
  The other people like that they're less willing to share what it is that they actually like, but this makes it a lot harder for the givers to find those people that do genuinely resonate with them.
• 16:20
  So be brave practice stating your opinions, your wants your desires, and you can practice that in those safe relationships.
• 16:27
  And again, if you don't have people in your life where you feel like it is safe to express these things, practice sharing your wants, wishes, desires, and opinions with a coach or with a therapist, but find those people where you can practice that dialogue to help you to call up your nervous system and to feel a little bit more safe and actually expressing what it is that you want in life.
• 16:47
  Because as you actually express those things, then you can find those people that you're actually in alignment with those people that really resonate with you rather than showing up as who you think other people should be.
• 16:58
  You're now showing up as you, and it makes it more likely that you can find those people that do genuinely resonate and really connect on that deeper and more fulfilling level.
• 17:07
  So if, as you're listening, if you recognize that you do need a bit of support around identifying which relationships are supportive for you, and which ones you might need to start setting boundaries in, or maybe you just have a hard time knowing how to state a boundary.
• 17:20
  If this is you come and work with me and I can help you learn how to set boundaries around your particular situation and how to do it with a heart of peace.
• 17:28
  So often we experience a lot of anxiety as we're learning how to state boundaries, because we've just never done it before.
• 17:36
  Right.
• 17:36
  Or we have a lot of anxiety just even considering asking for reciprocation so I can help you learn how to calm your anxiety, how to calm your nervous system.
• 17:45
  And also how to find the words so that you can be calm and confident as you're actually communicating what it is that you need in the moment and find more balance in your life.
• 17:55
  So if you'd like to work with me, come and message me, you can find all my contact information in the show notes, or you can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life.
• 18:04
  I would love to work with you.
• 18:05
  All right.
• 18:05
  So let's talk soon.
• 18:06
  Bye now.