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59. It's never too late: Repairing your child's attachment after separation · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, this is your host, danielle Black.
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Today's episode is for every parent who has listened to my previous content about attachment and thought but what if it's too late?
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: What if my child's attachment has already been disrupted and I can't change the parenting arrangements?
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: This episode is for parents whose children are already in parenting arrangements that aren't working.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: For parents whose children are already in parenting arrangements that aren't working.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: For parents whose children are showing signs of attachment stress but whose parenting situations seem impossible to change.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: For parents who feel like they've failed their children because they weren't able to protect them from inappropriate arrangements.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: If this is you, I want you to know something right from the start it's never too late to strengthen your child's attachment security, even if you can't change the inappropriate parenting arrangements that are in place.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Please know that you have incredible power to heal and strengthen your relationship with your child, and if you've listened to the episode where I go through my story, sharing with you a little bit about my journey and the journey of my eldest son, ash, then you'll know that I'm speaking not just from professional experience, but lived experience.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I've been where you are, and what I'm about to share with you is not just information that I provide my clients when I'm supporting them to repair their child's attachment, but this is also stuff that I've worked on with my own child.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: We're going to talk about evidence-based strategies for attachment repair that you can implement right now, regardless of the current parenting arrangements.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: You'll learn how to maximize the healing potential of the time that you do arrangements.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: You'll learn how to maximize the healing potential of the time that you do have with your kids and how to help their nervous systems recover, even when the circumstances are not what you wish that they were, even when the circumstances aren't in their best interests.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: By the end of this episode, you'll understand that hope is not lost and that your consistent, tuned-in presence can create profound healing for your child and for you, even when there are aspects of the situation that are beyond your control.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Let me start with the most important thing that I want you to understand.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: That is that children's brains are remarkably plastic.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: This means that they can form new neural pathways and create new patterns of relating throughout their development.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Even if your child's attachment has been disrupted, even if they're showing signs of stress or insecurity, their brains remain capable of healing and developing new, healthier patterns.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Research shows that secure attachment can develop at any stage of childhood when children experience consistent, responsive, attuned caregiving.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: It's not limited to infancy, although certainly it's easier if we can get it right from the start.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Dr Dan Siegel's work on neuroplasticity shows us that the brain continues to develop and change throughout childhood and even into adulthood.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Every positive interaction that you have with your child creates new neural pathways that can strengthen their capacity for secure relationships.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: What this means practically is that every moment of tuned in parenting, every time you help co-regulate your child's emotions, every instance of consistent responsiveness, is literally rewiring their brain towards greater felt security.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: The key insight here is this while you might not be able to prevent attachment disruption or harm that happens during their time away from you, you can actively build attachment security during the time that you do have together.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Think of it like this if your child's attachment system is a bank account, disruptions may be making withdrawals, but you can still make deposits, and those deposits can accumulate over time to build a stronger foundation.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: One of the most hopeful findings from attachment research is that the quality of interaction matters far more than the quantity of time when it comes to building secure attachment.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: This means that even if you don't have the time with your child that you'd like perhaps as a result of the court-ordered parenting time or other circumstances you can still have a significant impact on their attachment security with how you use the time that you do have with your kids.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Dr Mary Ainsworth's research identified the key qualities that build secure attachment Sensitivity, which is being aware of and responsive to your child's emotional signals.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Responsiveness, which is consistently meeting your child's needs for comfort and co-regulation.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Accessibility, which means being emotionally and physically available when you're together.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: And acceptance, welcoming all of your child's emotions without judgment.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: What's crucial to understand is that these qualities are about depth of connection, not duration of time.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: A 15-minute interaction that includes those elements can be more healing than hours of distracted or inconsistent caregiving.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: This is actually why some children can develop stronger attachments to caregivers who, overall, might have less time with them.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: It's because that caregiver is more consistently attuned when they are together.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: For parents who are navigating difficult post-separation situations, this research is so empowering.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: It means that, even if you only have your children with you for some of the time, you can still be their primary source of attachment security by maximizing the quality of the interactions that you have with your children.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: Attachment repair can happen when a child experiences consistent patterns of safety, attunement and co-regulation with a caregiver, even if there's been previous disruption or trauma.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: The process involves several key elements, the first one being safety.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Your child needs to experience you as a consistent source of physical and emotional safety.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: This means being predictable, calm and protective in your responses.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Attunement this is about truly saying and understanding your child's emotional experience.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: It means noticing when they're stressed, when they're overwhelmed or dysregulated in other ways, and then responding in ways that help them to feel understood.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: It includes co-regulation.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: Young children and even many older children struggle to regulate their emotions on their own.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: They need help from a calm, emotionally regulated adult to help them return to a balanced state.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: When you provide this consistently, you're helping to teach their nervous system how to self-regulate and repair when things go wrong.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: When you're stressed, when your child is triggered, repair involves acknowledging what happened and reconnecting with warmth and understanding.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Here's what it can look like in real life.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I'll give an example of a four-year-old.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: A four-year-old comes back from the other parent's house in a dysregulated state, but instead of trying to immediately fix the behavior or distract them from distress, you provide co-regulation.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: You stay calm, you acknowledge the big feelings and help their nervous system to settle.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Or when an eight-year-old seems withdrawn after changeover, an attuned parent creates space for connection without forcing it, letting their child know that they're available, maintaining warm consistency and waiting for their nervous system to feel safe enough to reconnect With a teen who might seem angry or distant.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: Tuned-in parents make an effort to not take it personally.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: You continue to show up with patience and understanding, knowing that their attachment system might simply be trying to protect them from further hurt.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Let's do a deeper dive into some specific strategies that you can use to strengthen your child's attachment, regardless of the current parenting arrangements.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Transitions and changeovers can be some of the most stressful parts of shared care arrangements.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Kids' nervous systems can become really activated.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: So what's the solution?
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: We begin by creating consistent rituals that can help our child's nervous system prepare for and recover from those transitions.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: This can look like before they leave for the care of the other parent, having a consistent routine that provides connection and reassurance.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: It could be reading a particular book together, having them choose a comfort object to take, or creating a simple ritual like heart-to-heart hugs, where you place your hands on each other's hearts and take three deep breaths together when they return, having a consistent reconnection routine that doesn't demand immediate closeness but can signal that you're available.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: So this could be having their favorite snack ready, having some calm music playing or simply saying I'm so happy to see you, without asking about their time with the other parent.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: On to some co-regulation techniques.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: For younger kids, this can look like breathing together when your child's dysregulated breathe slowly and deeply while holding them or sitting close next to them.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Children's nervous systems naturally sync with calm adults.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: We can use sensory comfort.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: You can use what you know about your child's sensory preferences.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Some children like gentle rocking, others like deeper pressure hugs, others like soft music or dim lighting.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: We can provide emotional validation.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: We can say things like I can see that you're having some really big feelings.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: That makes sense.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: I'm here with you.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: The important thing is to not try and fix or minimize the emotions, but rather to just be present with them.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: For older kids we can have emotional check-ins.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Creating regular low-pressure opportunities for our kids to share how they're feeling During a car ride is a perfect opportunity.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it can be at bedtime, when they're calm and relaxed, or during other routine activities, but it's really important that we respect their pace.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Older kids may need more time to reconnect after a transition, so just let them know that you're available, without forcing or expecting closeness.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: This can also require you to manage your own emotions and not make your kids responsible for them If they're not ready to reconnect immediately after changeover.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: This isn't about you, and it's so important that you let them know that you're there and ready when they are, and validating their experiences, for example, saying things like oh, it sounds like that was really hard for you.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: What do you need from me right now?
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: In my household, I'm often checking in with my kids and finding out do they need to be heard, do they need a hug or do they need help?
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: Oftentimes, as parents, we can immediately be wanting to fix the problem, but a lot of the time that's not actually what our kids want from us.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Sometimes they just want to be heard.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: Sometimes they want to be heard and they want a hug.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Maybe sometimes they might just want the hug.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Other times they might want help solving the problem, and so that's where the help will come into it.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: But it can be really important to actually check in with our kids as to what it is that they need from us before jumping in and assuming that we know best.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Maximizing your time together is also important for strengthening attachment.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: This looks like being fully present when you're with your child as much as possible.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: When you're with them, really be with them.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Put away your phone, minimize the distractions.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Focus on connection.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Follow their lead.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Let your kids guide activities when possible.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: The goal is connection, not entertainment or education.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Create predictable routines.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: Children find a lot of security in knowing what to expect.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: Even simple routines like always reading together before bed can become a powerful source of security and use repair when needed.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: When you've been stressed or less available, acknowledge it.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: You can say something like hey, I've realized that I was a bit distracted earlier and I want you to know that you're really important to me.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: Could we have some special time together now?
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Strengthening attachment security requires building emotional safety.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: As hard as it might be, it's so important that you avoid seeking information from your kids.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Don't ask your child detailed questions about their time with the other parent.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: This can put them in a really difficult position and can increase their stress.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: It's also important to not speak negatively about the other parent.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Even if the parenting arrangements are problematic.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Your child needs to feel safe, loving both parents.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Even when the caregiving from one parent is really problematic, it's very common for children to still love that parent.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: So try to keep your adult concerns separate from your child's experience.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: It is still possible to factually validate what kids tell you without specifically criticizing the other parent, and this is something that I support clients with in a lot of my one-on-one coaching how to hold space for kids, how to validate their experiences when they're sharing things with us that are problematic without bad-mouthing the other parent.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: This is a particularly important skill to develop when you're navigating the court system and parenting under a microscope.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Building emotional safety is all about being the calm in our kids' storm.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: So when they're dysregulated, our job, as hard as it can be, is to be the opposite.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: When they're dysregulated, we need to be regulated.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: We need to be the steady, calm presence that helps them to return to balance.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: So now for some age-specific attachment repair strategies For babies and toddlers.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: So from birth to around three years, we focus on consistent routines, lots of physical affection and helping them to feel safe in their bodies.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: This can specifically look like maintaining consistent sleep and eating routines during your time together, using lots of gentle touch, holding and physical comfort, singing and reading to them regularly because the sound of your voice in and of itself can be very regulating for them and be patient with any regressions.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: If they do become clingy or develop some sleep difficulties, respond with extra comfort rather than trying to push or force independence For preschoolers, so three to five years of age, we focus on helping them make sense of their experiences and building their emotional vocabulary.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: So this can look like using simple words to help them understand their feelings, such as it sounds like you felt worried when, and then go on to use the language that they might have used themselves to describe a situation to you or a situation that you witnessed.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: We can create stories or use play to help them process difficult experiences.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: Maintaining consistent rules and expectations and consistent routines is also important because that helps them feel secure and giving them some control over small decisions can help them to feel empowered Again.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: It's still very important with this age group to be patient with any regressions, to still be doing things like singing and reading regularly, cuddles, gentle touch and maintaining consistent sleep and eating routines, even if those routines are not supported in the other household.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: We don't use the lack of consistency in the other household to give up when our kids are with us.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: If anything, it's even more important that we hang on to those stabilizing and secure routines.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: For older school age kids so 6 to 12 years of age we focus on building their confidence and helping them to develop coping strategies.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: This can look like teaching them simple self-regulation techniques that they can use themselves anywhere, creating special traditions or activities that are just yours together, helping them identify trusted adults in their life beyond just their parents, and supporting their friendships and activities outside family that help to build their sense of growing independence and community.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: For teens so 13 years and up, we focus on respecting their autonomy while still remaining emotionally available.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Let them know that you're available without being intrusive.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: Respect their need for privacy while maintaining connection, support their developing independence and decision making, and be honest about difficult situations in ways that are age appropriate.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, professional help is needed.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: There might be times when, despite your best efforts, your child might need additional support to heal attachment disruption.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Here are some signs that professional help might be beneficial For younger kids there might be persistent sleep difficulties, disruptions or nightmares, extreme clinginess or the opposite.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: They might seem increasingly detached.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: There might be an ongoing regression in developmental milestones.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: You might be seeing frequent, intense tantrums that don't seem to respond to comfort and difficulties with eating or toileting.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: For older kids, this can look like withdrawal from friends in activities that they used to enjoy, significant changes in how they're tracking at school, self-harm or other risk-taking behaviors, anxiety or depression that persists, and extreme anger or aggression.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: When seeking help, look for professionals who understand attachment theory and trauma-informed care, such as child psychologists who specialize in attachment and trauma, family therapists who are trained in attachment-based interventions, play therapists for younger children or somatic therapists who can work with nervous system regulation.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: It's important you choose someone who can work with your family within the constraints of the current parenting arrangements, and let's not forget about you managing your own attachment needs.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: This is something that is often overlooked.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: It's hard to give our kids something that we don't have ourselves.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: Building secure attachment with our kids means that we also work on our attachment security and nervous system regulation, and this is so important for any parent who has experienced abuse or trauma themselves.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: If your own attachment system was disrupted in childhood, or if you've experienced trauma in your adult relationships, you might need support to develop the internal resources for attachment repair with your child.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: Now, this isn't about blaming or shaming.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: It's about recognizing that healing most often happens in safe relationships.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: Harm happens in relationships and healing happens in relationships, and sometimes we really do need support to be able to provide that healing relationship for our kids.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: So some ways to strengthen your own attachment security To work with a therapist or a coach who understands attachment and trauma.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: To develop relationships with friends or family members who are emotionally supportive and who you feel emotionally safe with.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: To practice self compassion and emotion regulation techniques.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: Remember getting support for yourself is not selfish.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: It's actually one of the most protective things that you can do for your kids and it's something that all of my clients say has been one of the best decisions they've made in their post-separation journey.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: I want to leave you with this perspective.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Attachment repair is often a long-term process, not a quick fix.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: There are going to be setbacks, especially during stressful periods or changes in parenting arrangements that put even more pressure on you and your kids.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: But for every moment of you being tuned in, for every instance of co-regulation, for every time you show up for your child, your child is then building their capacity for secure relationships throughout their life.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: Children who experience attachment repair often develop what researchers call earned security.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: They learn that relationships can be healing and that people can be trustworthy even after they've experienced disruption or trauma.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Your consistent patient presence is teaching your child that they are worthy of love, that their emotions matter, that they matter and that relationships can be a source of safety and comfort.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Now, this doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen, and the work that you're doing now to strengthen your child's attachment security will benefit them for the rest of their life.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: If what I've shared today gives you some hope but might also make you realize how much you still need to learn about supporting your child's development, you're not alone.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: Understanding attachment is crucial, but it is just one piece of the puzzle when it comes to making child-focused post-separation parenting decisions and in supporting our kids when we're stuck with arrangements that really aren't the best fit.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: The post-separation parenting blueprint provides comprehensive guidance on child development in every stage, practical strategies for supporting children through difficult transitions and evidence-based approaches for advocating for arrangements that truly serve their needs and advice about what to do when the arrangements aren't working.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: This isn't just generic parenting advice or generic separation and divorce content.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: It's specialized guidance for parents who are navigating the complex challenges of post-separation parenting, including how to support your kid's emotional well-being when the situation is far from ideal.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Again, if you've listened to the podcast episode where I share more about my story, you'll realize that I'm not just a professional with book learning.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I've been there, I've done that.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: I've got the t-shirt, the keychain, the mug.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: I've done it all.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: I've been through it.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: I'm a fellow traveller.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: You can join the waitlist at danielleblackcoachingcomau to be the first to access this comprehensive resource when it launches later this month and I'm recording this in September 2025.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: Remember, it's never too late to strengthen your relationship with your child.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Every moment of connection, every instant of you being tuned in, every time you help them to feel safe and understood, is contributing to their lifelong capacity for healthy relationships.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: Your love and commitment to your child's well-being matters so much more than you know.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: I'll look forward to chatting with you soon.