Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Getting the Elusive Work Life Balance: How I Work Crossover

Transcript

Getting the Elusive Work Life Balance: How I Work Crossover · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to The Happy Family's podcast. This is
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: doctor Justin Colson. Last week had a conversation on Monday
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: with doctor Amantha Imber from the How I Worked podcasts
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: and her business Inventium. It's a great collaboration and today
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: we're going to continue the collaboration with another conversation.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: This one is all about work life balance.
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: More and more, we're expected to do it all, like
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: be available for late night conference calls for work, take
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: our kids to all the different sporting activities and extracurricular
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: things that they have, and also somehow find time for
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: ourselves and some self care. Justin, is this something that
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: you struggle with You've got like two hundred kids or
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: something like that at home and counting.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: I know, I don't know. I don't know how we
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: do it all.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: There is so much for us to do, and we
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: often feel like we're running faster than we have strength.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I remember when everyone shut down because of COVID. Some
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: people remember it better than others, because it kind of depends.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: On where you are.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: But Amantha, do you remember the things that people were
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: saying during COVID about how the lockdown had changed our
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: perspective's changed our mind about how much we try to
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: cram into our lives and how we balance our lives.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: I spoke to so many people who said.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, when we open up again, life is never going
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: to go back to normal. I'm going to keep things quiet,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I'm going to keep things connected, we're going to stay
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: together as a family.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: And it didn't work.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: We opened up and within two or three weeks everyone
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: was like, I need to sign up for this. We've
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: got to do all of that, and we're trying to
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: get life going, and we're also trying to work and
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: pull it all together. There's so much going on. You
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: run a really significant business consultancy, you're an author, you've
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: got a tremendously successful podcast, and you've also got a
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: gorgeous little daughter. Surely you're noticing this as well. Do
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: you feel stretched and pulled from bill to posts or
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: is it just the dads of six daughters.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: I do feel stretched, and I will say to avoid
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: that feeling of stretchess. And when I feel my stress
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: levels rising because I've taken on too much or I'm
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: trying to do too much, the word that I come
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: back to is no, and I have to remind myself
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: to say that more often. I heard this great tip
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: from Professor Katie Milkman when I need to read here
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: on how I work.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: And I have her book on my shelf just here.
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: How to Change. Yeah, it's such a great read. Now,
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: something that Katie did, and you know, as an in
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: demand academic author speaker, she gets a lot of requests
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: made on her time. She formed what she called a
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: no club. So particularly, I think particularly women struggle with this.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: The research would suggest is women are more likely to
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: say yes to what are called non promotable activities, particularly
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: in the workplace, like things like taking minutes in a
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: meeting or organizing the work Christmas party. Things that are like,
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: you know, the act of a good citizen, but are
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: not going to drive you forward closer to say your
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: your career goals. And so Katie linked up with some
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: other business school professors and now when she gets an
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: opportunity presented to her or someone's asking for her time
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: and she instinctively wants to say yes because she wants
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: to help, she takes that to her no club who
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: give her a more objective view on really, Katie, should
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: you say no to this instead of yes? And I
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: love that idea of a no club.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: So this wasn't something that I planned on talking about
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: when we initially discussed this topic. But you sharing Katie
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: Milkman's idea about the no club as a male, Like
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: you said, this may be along gender lines. I've never
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: really had a hard time saying no, and I think
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: that that is a bit of a I don't know
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: if it's a male privileged thing or just a privileged
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: thing generally, but I'm pretty comfortable with giving a good
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: old fashion not going to fit in the schedule.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: But near Ale, who wrote that.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Brilliant book Indiestractable, he talks about how at the beginning
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: of the week, if you just sit down and think
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: about what you value the most in terms of who
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: do I want to be in five years or three years,
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  Speaker 1: or six months or ten years, Who do I want
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: to be as a parent, Who do I want to
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: be as.
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  Speaker 2: An employee or an employer or whatever it is.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: And when I'm scheduling my activities for the week, I
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: need to make sure that I'm putting into my week
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: the things that will help me to be that in
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  Speaker 1: three years, five years, ten years. That's another I think
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: maybe a spin on the no club where you can say, Okay,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: if I want to be an author, or if I
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: want to be an entrepreneur, or if I want to
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: just be a damn good mum, what are the three
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: things that I have to put into my calendar this
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: week so that I'm doing that today day? Because if
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: I'm not doing it today, I'm not going to be
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: good at it in three years time. And for me,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: it's kind of I guess a productivity hack or a
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: time management thing. But every single not every single week,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: but most weeks, I schedule a date with my wife.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: We just we have that time together. It's got to happen.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Friday is our adventure day. In addition to that, most
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Friday mornings, I schedule a meeting for breakfast with a friend.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: And it's not really a meeting. It just goes into
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: my diary as a meeting because work life balance matters,
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: and my friendships matter, and I want to have good
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: friendships in three and five and ten years from now.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: The only way I'll have a good friendship then is
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: if I build the friendship now, and if I have
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: those breakfasts consistently more weeks than not, with a handful
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: of people that I really save a time with That's
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: what builds that.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: I make sure that I build.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: The fitness stuff in as much as it's inconvenient, because
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I want to be fit and healthy in three to five,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: ten years. And I build in that super Saturday or
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: that time with the kids, the one on one because
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: I want to be a good dad in three or
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: five or ten years now.
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: I don't know about you justin but I occasionally take
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: issue with the idea of work life balance because it
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: implies in its very nature that work is bad, we
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: need to do less of it, and life is good
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: and we need to do more of it. But for
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: a lot of people, and I know for you and I,
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: we love our work. And so something I find more
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: useful is a strategy, and I call it doing a
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: values audit of your diary, where if you were to
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: literally block out every single activity that you do in
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: your diary, from spending time with the kids to doing
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: a workout at the gym or going for a bike
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: ride in your case, along with all the work activities
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: as well, if someone looked back at the last week
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: or the last month of your diary, would they be
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: able to work out what your main values are are,
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: And I think it's an interesting question to pose. Have
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: you ever done anything like this?
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: Justin No, but I love it.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: So what you're saying, if I'm understanding you correctly, is
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: if I actually used my diary and accounted for every
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: minute of the day, all those time confetti moments where
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: I stared at Facebook or Instagram rather than connecting with
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: somebody versus the time where I'm at work, at the
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: time that I'm sleeping and so on. Will somebody see
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: what well, somebody will see what matters most to me.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: But would that be congruent with what I say matters
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: to me? That's what I'm hearing you say exactly.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: So, for example, I imagine there is not a parent
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: in the universe that would say work is more important
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: than my kids. But I would say, there are a
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: lot of parents' diaries that you could go into and
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: if they mapped out how every minute was accounted for,
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: work is creeping into a lot of times when you know, really,
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: if they were living a life that was congruent with
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: their values, they would probably say that work thing can wait.
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: I really want to spend some quality time with my
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: child or my kids right now.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: For example, Yeah, I mean, I think there are a
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: lot of people who really love their work, and there
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: are a lot of people who just have a lot
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: of work to do and shutting off at the end
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: of the day. I mean, I don't in many ways,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: this is terrible for me to say it, but in
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: so many ways, I don't want to.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: Shut off because I love what I do so.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Much, and because of that, but because I also value
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: my family. I've had to create some specific practical rules
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: to get that work life balance. To use the term
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: that is a little bit clunky and ugly, and there
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: are some problems with it, but to get that so,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: I've got a couple of rules, and I don't know
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: if you have any rules like this. One of my
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: rules is I don't walk into the house if I'm
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: on the phone, so as I'm driving home from the
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: office and I'm heading towards my driveway if I'm on
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: a phone call, which happens a lot. I mean, many
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: of us are in this situation, even if it's a
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: personal call, maybe it's not even a work call. My
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: commitment to my family is when I walk through the
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: front door, they're going to get the best of me.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: My face is going to light up. I'm going to
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: be attentive to them. I will make them feel seen,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: hurt and valued. So if I'm at a phone call,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I've done this so many times, i just start doing
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: laps of the block, and once I've done about five
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: or six laps of the block, I'll actually save the
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: person I'm talking to. I'm on my sixth lap around
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: the block because i have a commitment that I won't
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: walk into the house when i'm on the phone. My
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: family needs me. I've loved talking to you, but we've
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: got to wrap this up, and it changes your mindset
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: as you walk in and you've intentionally put that phone away.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, it makes such a difference. I've also
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: established some no work zones, so you can have no
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: work zones in terms of a physical location, so I
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: don't work at specific times and also in specific places
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: in my home. And the reason for that is because
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: I need to be with other people. There are WHI
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: or two other things that I might quickly mention and
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: I'd love to hear yours. I have a commitment that
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: I've made to Kylie since the time we were married,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: that when I walk past her, I will touch her
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: and she does the same for me. So I have saying,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: even if we've got heaps going on, the person standing
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: next to me in the mirror brushing her teeth is
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: a person with hopes and dreamed and values and wishes
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: and desires, And just by reaching out and acknowledging the
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: person by touching them, squeezing the elbow, pinching their bum,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: giving them a hug, whatever it might.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: Be, it says, hey, I see you. You matter to me.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: I'm noticing even though we're busy. And my last one
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: for this work life balance thing that I'm going to
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: mention is the importance of when you take annual leave,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: setting up your auto responder and making sure the email
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: hangs in cyberspace and doesn't download and sit in the inbox.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Because I love my work and I want to know
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: what's going on, and I want to respond to people
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: and get stuff done, and I don't want to come
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: home to three hundred emails, and so that's the only
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: way I've been able to do it. I've actually had
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: team members change my passwords so that I can't access
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: my social media and my email, so that I really
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: do zone out and pay attention to my family.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: I love that strategy. I've heard that password changing one
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: from Brian Scootemore, who is the co founder of one
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: eight hundred Got Junk in America, And funnily enough, I'm
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: about to take a little mini break of five days,
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: and it's reminded me I need to do something, so
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna keep some balance and not be tempted to
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: hop into my email for the next five days. Justin
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: I'm very inspired by the things that you do at home,
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: particularly I like the one about not walking into the
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: home environment with your phone. I think this is applicable
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: no matter who you are, if there's other people in
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: your house. I mean, even if it's just your partner,
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: or if you don't have kids and it's just your
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: flatmates that are there. I think it's really nice that
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: we like that you have a strategy that reminds you
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: to put human connection first as opposed to what is
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: happening on a digital device.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you really quickly, just one question,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: and I know we're out of time, but just briefly,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: do you have like a wrap up ritual, a way
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: to step away away from the office and just be
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: done with it, or are you a bit like me,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: where you really have to compel yourself to not look
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: at the devices even when you get home.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: I do struggle. One ritual that does work for me
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: that I try to use more often than not is
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: we call it a shutdown ritual at invent Here, my consultancy,
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: and it involves writing two simple sentences at the end
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: of the work day to kind of, you know, in
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: the same way that people used to shut down their computer,
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: although no one does that now, it's kind of shutting
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: down your work for the day. So the two things are,
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: I write the sentence today I made progress on dot
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: dot dot. This works whether you are employed in a job,
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: or whether you're a full time parent or a full
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: time student, whatever, today I made progress on. And this
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: is reminding yourself what is something that you made meaningful
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: progress towards. There's so much great research, primarily from Parisa
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: professor Theresa A. Marble A from Harvard that if we
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: make progress towards things that matter to us, it is
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: a massive driver of engage and motivation. And then the
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: second thing is I write down tomorrow will be a
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: great day if I focus on X and I think
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: about what is the most important thing that I want
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: to do tomorrow that will make it a great day.
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: It might be a work thing, it might be related
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: to my daughter Frankie, or it might be related to
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: something completely different that matters to me.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: So two quick things off the back of that. First
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: of all, I had no idea it was a marble a.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: I've been saying it's Teresa Amabil for like the last
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: fifteen years. But secondly, I'm hearing you say that in
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: a work context, and I love it, But I also
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: think that it works in a family and home context.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Imagine if at about five o'clock or four o'clock, or
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: at some point in the afternoon, a mum a dad
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: grabs out the pen and says, today was a great
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: day because and they's essentially signing off for the day. Now,
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: all I've got to do is get dinner done and
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: we're good, or maybe they do it after dinner and
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: then they say, and tomorrow is going to be a
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: great day because and they get those priorities centered. I
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: don't think that it's just a workplace thing. I love
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: that idea, and I get the sense that it helps
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: us to recognize that we can be productive and have
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: a really nice balance in our lives.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: I think it absolutely does so many applications of it,
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: and I think for a lot of the ideas that
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: we've discussed and hopefully they will bring a better balance
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: of work and life, or a better mix of the
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: two into people's lives.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I love collaborating with people, and I love the conversation
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: that doctor Amantha Ember and I have just had. The
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast for today has been produced by the
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: iHeartRadio Network Australia. Our executive producer is Craig Bruce and
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Kylie and I will be back tomorrow on the Happy
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Families Podcast. If you'd like morefol about making your family happier,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: please visit happy families dot comte you or check out
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families