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186. Toxic Positivity · Impact Ready

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  Welcome to Impact Ready, a show dedicated to helping you elevate
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  your impact in the world. I'm Steph Safra, your host.
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  Let's explore the power of showing up with intention and
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  energy each day. This is for those who seek to
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  make life truly meaningful. Get ready for impact.
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  Hello, team. Welcome to the show.
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  Today in this episode, we're talking about something that
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  sounds simple, but it isn't actually simple.
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  This episode is going to be about positive thinking.
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  Now, culturally, we are all very familiar with the word
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  positivity, but there can be various versions of that that
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  people have experienced in their lives.
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  There's a version of it that's very powerful.
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  The kind of positivity that helps you take ownership, shift
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  your perspective, move forward with clarity and strength.
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  And then there's a version that can quietly shut you down.
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  It's that voice that says just be grateful.
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  It's the voice that says it's fine when it's not actually
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  fine. The kind that skips over the
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  hard feelings instead of actually processing the hard
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  feelings. There is a line between true
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  productive positive thinking and the dreaded toxic positivity.
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  The first is very empowering, and the second is actually more
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  about avoidance than it is about positivity at all.
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  In this episode, I want to impact the difference between
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  productive positivity and toxic positivity, and how to cultivate
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  a mindset that's honest and grounded and actually helpful.
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  Because real strength isn't pretending that everything is
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  good, it's choosing how you show up in the middle of what's hard.
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  I also think this fear of toxic positivity can be a roadblock
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  for some people. It's a roadblock to people
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  really committing to change, to practicing new ways of thinking,
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  breaking the very habitual patterns of thinking that many
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  of us have picked up since we were kids.
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  And I wish the subject was talked about more than it is.
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  Because when we have a little bit of resistance to change,
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  making a change in thinking or behaving that could help us, we
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  stand in the way of our own emotional freedom and tremendous
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  amounts of joy. There's a famous parable that
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  has many versions. I've heard this story in
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  multiple forms actually, but it has origins that go back to
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  Taoist texts, particularly the Dao Qing.
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  It's well known throughout East Asian culture, but it's also
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  very well known in Western culture.
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  But the first time I ever heard this parable was in my early 20s
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  when I was in Graduate School for Chinese medicine.
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  And it goes like this. There was once a farmer in
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  ancient China who owned a horse. And his neighbors would come
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  over to and say to him, you're so lucky to have a horse to pull
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  this cart for you. And the farmer would reply,
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  maybe in some other stories, the farmer would reply, who knows
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  what's good or what is bad? But that's the longer version.
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  So we'll stick to maybe in this one.
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  One day, the farmer didn't latch the gate properly and the horse
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  ran off. And all the neighbors ran over
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  and said, Oh my God, what a disaster, such a terrible
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  misfortune. And the farmer just replied,
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  maybe a few days later, the horse returns.
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  It's made some friends along the way, so it brings with it six
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  wild horses. And the neighbors rush over to
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  say, how fantastic, now you're going to be rich.
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  You're so lucky. And the farmer just replied,
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  Baby, The following week, the farmer's son was breaking in one
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  of the wild horses when it kicked out and broke his son's
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  leg. The neighbors rushed over.
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  Oh no, such bad luck all over again.
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  And the farmer just replied, maybe the next day soldiers came
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  and took away all the young men to fight in a war.
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  The farmer's son was left behind because of his broken leg.
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  The neighbors rushed over again. You are so lucky, they cried.
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  And the farmer replied, Maybe the point of the story, and you
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  can see how it could go on and on and on, is that whenever we
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  interpret a situation as being a problem or an opportunity, it
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  shapes the way that we feel about that situation, which
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  shapes how we respond. But the Dallas farmer shows us
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  that we can never really know how a situation's gonna turn
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  out. So there aren't really intrinsic
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  opportunities or problems, good situations or bad situations.
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  There's only what happens and how we choose to respond.
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  And if that's the case, doesn't it make sense to look for
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  opportunities that every situation contains?
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  To me it's like flexing the muscle of being resilient or
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  anti fragile. When we find that we can bounce
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  back from things, it helps us build our sense of self efficacy
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  and also our self-confidence. These are skills, and research
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  has shown that these skills predict higher levels of success
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  and a higher sense of happiness and appreciation.
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  And so to me, this isn't just a story, it's ancient wisdom.
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  It's very similar to the many varieties of teachings that say
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  everything happens for a reason. The idea that we can embrace
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  everything as a gift. And we've heard this before.
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  There are so many stories and parables in Western culture that
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  really speak the same lesson and help us understand that same
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  idea. I think at this point in our
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  western culture and our exposure to self development, we can all
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  agree that toxic positivity is extremely unhelpful.
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  It's not productive to say to someone positive is good,
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  negative is bad. Shame on you for having a
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  negative thought or thinking negatively about the situation.
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  Why? Because there are moments where
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  all of us go negative in a day. There are moments where I go
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  negative multiple times a day, almost every day.
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  We all experience those little dips when things don't go my
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  way. The human tendency is to go
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  negative for a period of time. And if we live by this toxic
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  positivity frame of mind, that would mean that multiple times a
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  day I would be shaming myself because I'm experiencing these
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  negative feelings or negative moments.
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  Instead, though, what this parable teaches us, and what I
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  find more helpful for myself, is that things are neither good nor
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  bad, but we attach the meaning to them, and we have a choice in
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  how we react. It's so common that you'll know
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  people out in the world who experience a similar situation,
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  but their responses and their emotional reactions are wildly
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  different. Why?
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  For this very same premise, the circumstances in life, the
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  situations, the context, the happenings of the world.
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  It's data. It's data for our brains and
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  because of our lived experiences, we have patterns of
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  how we deal with those emotions and those feelings.
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  For many people, if you believe something is bad and you end up
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  using a lot of emotional energy, it's easier to get into saboteur
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  thinking. It's easier to get into fear or
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  shame or guilt or self bereavement and the list goes on
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  and on on. In contrast, if you believe
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  things are going to work out for you, you can start to activate
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  your highest self. You can start to think more
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  creatively or act with curiosity.
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  You can engage in teamwork, experience more hopefulness or
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  positivity in general. And this doesn't mean that
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  negative emotions are bad. In fact, negative emotions or
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  positive emotions, they just are feelings.
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  It's just a way to measure emotions.
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  And so I don't really think of emotions as good or bad.
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  I just refer to them as negative or positive because that's the
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  context that so many people can relate to.
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  In reality, negative emotions can be incredibly helpful to us.
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  They serve as wake up calls in our life.
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  And it's it's very similar to pain.
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  Pain can be very good and informative in some situations.
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  Take, for example, putting your hand on a hot stove.
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  You have sensors in your body to recognize, oh, the stove is hot,
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  so I need to pull my hand away. First off, you need those
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  sensors. You need to be able to recognize
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  pain so that you know that there's something off here that
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  you need to remove your hand. And secondly, you wouldn't want
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  to leave your hand on the stove or you'd have serious injury.
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  So we need those pain receptors just like we need a spectrum of
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  emotions to alert us to what we want, what we want to avoid,
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  what is harmful. This spectrum of emotions that
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  we feel allows us to sift and sort through the experiences of
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  life so we can decide, do I like this or do I not like this?
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  Do I want to keep going with this goal or this relationship
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  or is it not making me feel great and I want to course
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  correct and go in a different direction?
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  That is useful information that we have to have.
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  So again, this spectrum of emotions, it's necessary, just
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  like our pain receptors are necessary.
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  However, if we stay upset and angry and in shame and guilt and
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  feeling stressed about something that happened in our lives for
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  months or years, it would be like keeping your hand on the
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  stove. You have to remove the hand from
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  the stove and shift to choice, to taking action.
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  And that looks like becoming aware of negative emotions, your
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  saboteurs, the stories or perspectives that run wild in
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  our brains. That's all part of being in
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  choice and taking action. And this depends on how
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  challenging a situation is. Not all challenge is created
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  equal. Sometimes it takes hours,
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  sometimes days, weeks to get out of something really negative
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  that's happened. Some things are really tough,
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  and it's not going to shift in one or two reframes of the mind
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  or one or two calling out the saboteurs.
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  It takes multiple repetitions and practices to be able to
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  process and move through some of the really hard stuff.
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  So do we berate ourselves and go into shame and guilt and beat
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  ourselves up for not being able to shift out of that negative
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  really quickly? No.
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  It would make a lot more sense to speak kindly to yourself and
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  say something like, Steph, this was a really hard thing that you
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  went through. I love you.
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  You're doing a good job. Let's try again later today or
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  maybe tomorrow. That's called compassion for
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  ourselves. Some things take longer to
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  recover from. And does that mean that we need
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  to call in absolute positivity? No, that would be toxic
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  positivity. I think not.
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  To me, this is more about trying to activate the higher self.
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  It's the practice of getting out of the saboteur, thinking
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  whether it's the judge or the critic or the martyr or the
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  victim, etcetera, and get into what our highest, best self
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  would do or see or say and so on.
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  Let me pause here for a second. If you're listening and thinking
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  I'm capable of more or this is the level I want to operate at,
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  this is for you. I work privately with a small
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  number of high performing leaders who are ready to elevate
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  how they show up in their business and in their lives.
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  This isn't motivational coaching, it's precision work.
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  We refine your energy, strengthen your ownership, and
• 11:46
  eliminate inconsistency so your impact becomes undeniable.
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  If you're ready for that level of growth, book a private call
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  through the link in the show notes.
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  We'll see if it's a fit. All right, back to the episode.
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  I think the distinction here is that practice of choosing,
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  choosing to see things differently, to not keep your
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  hand on the hot stove because being in choice and taking
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  action is necessary for you to shift out of the negative
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  emotions you might feel about a circumstance.
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  And that's why this topic of positivity can be a little
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  challenging for people because like most topics in the world,
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  there is nuance here. There is almost always a
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  spectrum to things, and it rings true for this as well.
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  And if you look at the spectrum of positivity, you can see that
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  if you're sliding up that scale to the healthy side, then you're
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  going to be more in the behaviors of moving through
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  negative emotions, negative circumstances a little bit more
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  quickly. Maybe your resilience is higher,
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  you've had more practice, and you're starting to see
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  situations as just being neutral and recognizing that we're
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  attaching the emotion to it. That's a lot of what the healthy
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  side of the spectrum would look like.
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  And then if you're getting into the unhealthy side of the
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  spectrum of positivity, this is where toxic positivity would
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  live, where you're just saying, oh, I have to be positive all
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  the time. I'm going to ignore my feelings.
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  I'm going to break myself when I get into a negative space and
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  I'm not going to allow anybody else around me to go negative
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  because that's against my beliefs.
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  That's a lot of what happens with toxic positivity and
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  remembering we want to slide back up on the spectrum and get
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  back into that healthy zone. So obviously there's so many
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  things that we could say about this topic of positivity and we
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  could probably speak on this for weeks or months and have more to
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  talk about. But there's a few things that I
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  want you to take with you as we close this episode.
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  First of all, positive thinking isn't about pretending things
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  don't hurt. That is such a disservice to
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  people. I am so sorry that that ever
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  entered into our cultural vernacular, because it's not
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  about slapping gratitude over grief or telling yourself to
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  just be happy. That's avoidance team.
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  That's what toxic positivity is. Productive positivity is
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  different. It honors the full spectrum of
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  emotion. It lets anger and disappointment
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  and fear do their job. Just like pain receptors on a
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  hot stove. They can alert you to what
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  matters, but it doesn't let you live there.
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  The Daoist Farmer reminds us that we rarely know what
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  something truly means in the moment.
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  How many times in your life have you been in such struggle and
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  pain and you just wanted it to be over, but now when you look
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  back on it, you wouldn't change a thing.
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  You're grateful for what happened.
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  I don't know about you, but that's happened to me dozens of
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  times. And that is the lesson here.
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  What feels like a set back may actually be a turning point.
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  We just don't know. And what feels like a win may
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  carry a lesson. The event itself is neutral.
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  The meaning and the response, those are ours to determine, and
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  that's the key choice. You don't have control over
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  everything that happens, that we know.
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  But you do have control over whether you keep your hand on
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  the stove. You get to process, feel, take
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  your time when it's hard, and then choose again.
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  That's not denial, that's strength, it's not bypassing,
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  it's just another form of ownership building that muscle
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  of awareness and compassion and intentional response over and
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  over and over and over again. It's not being positive all the
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  time, but being powerful in how you think.
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  And that's what changes everything.
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  So I hope this offered a little bit of clarity or at least a
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  little bit of food for thought as you're navigating your own
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  challenges in your life. I know it's not easy.
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  And and I very much know that you can't always see the lesson
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  when you're in it. You can't see the label from
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  inside the jar, but we'll get there.
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  So keep going, team. Keep giving yourself compassion,
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  saying I love you, you're doing a good job and keep being in
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  choice. That's the power.
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  Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening to this
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  episode. And as always, thank you for
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  being ready to Impact. Thanks for listening to Impact
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  Ready. I hope today's episode inspired
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  you to own your impact and recognize that you are powerful.
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  By elevating our energy and awareness, we can create
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  exponential change in this life. If you enjoyed today's insights,
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  share them with a friend and subscribe to the show for more.
• 16:39
  I truly appreciate you. Thanks again for being here.