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FINDING MIDLIFE JOY: WITH OR WITHOUT GRANDKIDS · Uncluttered and Unfiltered: The Podcast For Women Over 50

• 0:04
  Welcome to Uncluttered and Unfiltered, the podcast urging
• 0:08
  you to let it go and don't look back, with nationally acclaimed
• 0:12
  professional organizer Christine Stone and self-proclaimed Hot
• 0:17
  Damn Mess radio and TV personality Eden Kendall.
• 0:22
  Welcome everybody to another episode of Uncluttered and
• 0:25
  Unfiltered, the podcast for women over 50.
• 0:27
  I'm Eden and Christine is here. Christine Stone is a
• 0:30
  professional organizer. And oftentimes as you listen to
• 0:33
  this podcast, you'll get some tips and tricks along the way,
• 0:36
  but sometimes it's more about just uncluttering your
• 0:39
  perceptions of things so. I like that.
• 0:42
  That's good. Thanks man.
• 0:44
  So instead of an episode where we talk about you being a
• 0:47
  grandmother and people who are not grandparents but wish they
• 0:51
  were feeling badly about it, we're going to talk a little bit
• 0:54
  about mourning the idea that you may never have grandkids.
• 0:57
  And the reason we are going to talk about grand your grandson
• 1:03
  is because you might come away from this episode feeling OK
• 1:09
  with your current situation, whether it's you have grandkids,
• 1:12
  you do not have grandkids or you don't know if you ever will, but
• 1:15
  you really want them. That which is me.
• 1:17
  So so there, there are a lot of points to cover.
• 1:22
  But before we even do that, there used to be this feeling
• 1:26
  that if you talked about being a grandparent, you talked about
• 1:28
  being you thought about being old, right, Kane?
• 1:33
  Right. You know, if you were to.
• 1:34
  Gray hair, Yeah. Dress like a grandma.
• 1:36
  Grandma. For Halloween, you'd have a
• 1:38
  shawl and a. Kane, right, Right.
• 1:41
  So I've been feeling a little rundown lately.
• 1:44
  I'm going to tell you I've gotten to the end of the year
• 1:46
  and I'm feeling a little tired. And I was looking at, and I hope
• 1:51
  this is still the case when this airs in a couple of weeks, but I
• 1:53
  was looking at Jimmy Carter. He had a birthday recently.
• 1:56
  He was 100 years old. And I thought to myself, I
• 2:00
  wonder if how I feel right now is how he feels every day when
• 2:02
  he wakes up because I felt so rundown.
• 2:04
  I'm like, I think, I feel like what it would feel like to be
• 2:07
  100. Not right now it would be.
• 2:09
  Exhausting, that's for sure. Exhausting to be a hunt.
• 2:11
  Yes, yes, it. Would be OK with not getting to
• 2:14
  a hunt. Yes.
• 2:15
  Oh, I'd be OK, Definitely OK. I, I mean, honestly, I think
• 2:20
  that, listen, I know everybody's on the longevity train, but how
• 2:25
  long is long? I mean, you know, at some point
• 2:29
  to me, and I've been this way my whole life, if I have no quality
• 2:33
  of life and I always gauge it, if I can't go get my hair done,
• 2:38
  Yeah, in any way, even in an Uber, I'm, I'm just, I'm done, I
• 2:43
  mean. Stick a fork.
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  Well, you know, I don't want to sit in a wheelchair and in an
• 2:47
  old folks home just staring out the window.
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  To me, that is not quality of life and where my kids feel like
• 2:54
  I'm a burden, You know what I mean?
• 2:56
  But. With all of this longevity push,
• 3:00
  is there a time where people will be saying much like they
• 3:02
  are right now about being 50 and 60?
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  Would they say 100 is the new 80?
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  Like will it be? Will there be a retirement home
• 3:10
  where there are 100 down in the villages in Florida?
• 3:13
  The whole documentary about what goes on down there.
• 3:16
  Will there be like 100 year old swinger club at the?
• 3:20
  I don't, I mean, unless we all become like the Bionic Woman or
• 3:24
  man where they replace your parts with electronics or
• 3:28
  something. I don't see that happening.
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  I. Don't see it in my in my life
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  either. My husband Steve, who you all
• 3:33
  met couple of weeks ago on the podcast, we were in South
• 3:37
  Florida few weeks back and we were walking down the sidewalk
• 3:41
  and this older couple, they looked like they were maybe in
• 3:43
  their 80s, was walking towards us.
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  So I got off the sidewalk, he got off the sidewalk and I was
• 3:48
  almost crunched up into a tree, bent over just to stay out of
• 3:51
  the way and let them go. Then we walked a little further
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  and this young woman walked by and I kept walking and my
• 3:56
  husband said you didn't even get out of her way.
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  That was rude. And I said, excuse me.
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  We got out of the way of that old couple.
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  We're the old. Couple, right?
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  We're the old couple. I was like, yeah, you could have
• 4:07
  tripped on that sidewalk moving over and, you know, believe me.
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  He his mouth opened up so big, he said.
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  You know what? It didn't even dawn him.
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  You're right. We're the old, right?
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  She should have moved anyway. All right, let's talk about
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  about Grand Kansing. It's tough to be a grandmother.
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  I mean, a lot of people envy and covet that, Yes.
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  And I know you love every minute of it.
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  Yes. But that's actually not really
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  real. You can't possibly love
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  everyone. Well, I think everybody
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  circumstance is different. So for me, and I don't know if
• 4:42
  anyone out there feels this way, I was a stay at home mom, raised
• 4:47
  my two kids, was involved in every single aspect of their
• 4:51
  life and I was looking forward, OK to not having any
• 4:59
  responsibilities. I was looking forward to
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  sleeping in when I wanted, going to bed when I wanted, going
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  where I wanted, kind of start living my own life.
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  For me. Now, some people will say that's
• 5:14
  not how I feel. I miss my kids all the time.
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  I wish they still lived at home OK.
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  And I think that's great too, if that's how you feel.
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  I just never felt that way. I love my kids.
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  I love when they come over, when they, you know, come for
• 5:28
  holidays. But I always felt like I did my
• 5:34
  job. I did it well, OK, in my
• 5:37
  opinion. And now it's time for me to live
• 5:40
  my life. And I think that from what I see
• 5:45
  on social media, there is a big backlash with 20 and 30
• 5:51
  something year olds who feel that they can have the kids and
• 5:55
  now their grandparents should be raising them.
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  And I was shocked by that. Like, I never thought that way
• 6:02
  about my own mom ever. I never ever thought that way.
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  So I don't even know where this is all kind of coming from.
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  And I know a lot of grandparents on that site, you know, on the
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  social media are saying, you know, listen, I I wanted
• 6:21
  grandchildren, but I didn't want to raise them.
• 6:24
  I just wanted to enjoy them with them back, right, And give them
• 6:28
  back. And now that's become a problem
• 6:31
  when you give them back. From what I am seeing.
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  I don't know if it's the algorithm I'm on or whatever,
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  but are you? On the unhappy grandparent, now
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  there's. What I'm on because I'm seeing
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  all these unhappy children with their grandparents.
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  It's pissed off grandparents. Top well and so I loved this
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  topic because the topic is having grief if you're never
• 6:57
  going to become a grandparent. Grieve the loss of these kids
• 7:00
  that you never. Yes, in your life.
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  And I also, I understand that like, listen, if I never had
• 7:06
  grand kids, because people are probably saying, well, you have
• 7:09
  a grandkid, you don't understand.
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  I mean, I'm also 62 and just had a grandchild, so it's not like I
• 7:15
  had them in my 50s. But I think that in this day and
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  age, the world we're living in now, I think that your children
• 7:25
  should make their own decisions if they want to have kids with
• 7:29
  the school shootings with, I would be a nervous wreck, you
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  know what I mean? So I think they should have
• 7:35
  every right. Without pressure.
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  Without any pressure to have grandchildren.
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  But I also think that what you're not missing out on is the
• 7:48
  expectations that are put on grandparents nowadays.
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  It wasn't like this. I mean, did you rely on your mom
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  and dad to like, raise your children?
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  I've never lived in the same place and I know you don't live
• 8:02
  in the same place, but. I mean if I did.
• 8:05
  I, I, I don't know about the day-to-day care, but what I also
• 8:12
  would, what also would concern me is the disregard for your
• 8:17
  time. Like right, Do you have a need
• 8:19
  for whether it's babysitting or what have you?
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  I tend to think I'm going to say you just go wherever you want.
• 8:26
  I can't get enough of this little yummy little baby.
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  I feel like that's how I will be, but then again I don't have
• 8:32
  anyone trying to take my time away right asking me that.
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  Well, and I think it all depends, like I still work full
• 8:38
  time, right? So if you're retired and you
• 8:42
  want to, you know, say, oh, I'll take the baby three days, well,
• 8:46
  then that's your prerogative. And that's what you should do if
• 8:48
  that's what you want to do. It just shouldn't be something
• 8:52
  you are requiring because in my opinion, if you raise your kids
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  and you did a really good job, you should be enjoying your life
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  right now. You should be traveling, you
• 9:04
  should be picking up a new hobby.
• 9:06
  You should be having a second career if you want whatever it
• 9:10
  is, and then seeing your grandkids when it fits into your
• 9:15
  schedule. And I think that if you're a a
• 9:19
  person who's never going to have grandchildren for whatever
• 9:22
  reason, maybe they don't want them, maybe whatever.
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  You don't have kids. Right.
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  Maybe you never had kids do of course you're not going to have
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  grandkids. There are so many ways you can
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  give your time to all these kids out there that need
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  grandparents. There are programs that you know
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  where you can have a grandparent match with somebody and you can
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  help other kids who don't even have grandparents.
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  What about that story of the woman who a young man
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  accidentally texted her? Yes, I saw that.
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  And they have been having Thanksgiving dinner together for
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  seven years. Yeah, She just said come anyway.
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  Yeah. Is it?
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  OK. I mean, I think you have to put
• 10:04
  yourself out there to there's so many mentor programs available
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  and if you start a mentor program, you can start
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  relationships with younger people and, and you know, have
• 10:20
  relationships with their kids. It's not, I know you wanted your
• 10:25
  own, but sometimes life doesn't work out.
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  And I think that's, that's the problem here.
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  You, everybody has an idea. I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna
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  have kids, I'm gonna have grandkids.
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  I'm gonna live in a white picket fence and I'm gonna.
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  And then when things don't work out the way you had planned in
• 10:42
  your mind, that's it. It's just, it's devastating.
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  And so I think lowering your expectations and enjoying your
• 10:52
  time with your own kids, cuz if you make them constantly feel
• 10:55
  pressured and guilty, they're not gonna want a relationship
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  with you. Correct.
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  And so I see this in such a different way because I enjoy my
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  grandson so much, but I'm also 62 and he's a little boy.
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  And they go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
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  I mean, non-stop. I mean, I leave there and I have
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  to sleep for a day and a half. My neck hurts, my back hurts,
• 11:20
  you know, from lifting and picking up.
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  It's a different thing when you're older.
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  You know you want to do as much as you can but your neck won't
• 11:29
  let you, or your back won't let you, or you know it's you don't
• 11:32
  have the stamina you did in your 30s forties and even early 50s.
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  So true. You know, so I think it just
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  depends on how you look at this. Well there is a glass half full
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  side to just about every situation.
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  So I googled what are some of the pros and cons of if your
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  kids decide not to have kids or if you don't have kids and
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  you're not going to have grandkids.
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  So here is one of the cons of having grandkids.
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  You are forced to embrace such newfangled concepts as infant
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  swaddling that requires you to encase the baby in a wrapper
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  like a burrito. Now it's a straight jacket.
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  I call it me and my husband go why is he wearing that straight
• 12:14
  jacket proceeding like that before?
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  Here's another con your best toy procurements fall short with
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  food crafting memories dancing in your head.
• 12:24
  You present potholder and those potholders and everything right?
• 12:28
  You think all these things you think are great gifts from when
• 12:30
  you know making Remember, Remember when you would make the
• 12:33
  pot. Yeah, all the time and.
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  I know these are all fun little gifts like craft items.
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  That's not what the kids want anymore.
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  They want their the parents will say, well, we're only doing
• 12:43
  educational, we're only doing this.
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  We're only doing that. You can't.
• 12:46
  And whatever you get isn't just quite like it's it's.
• 12:49
  I think you have to though, that's the thing.
• 12:52
  I think when you're looking at being a grandparent, there's so
• 12:56
  many different avenues to it. Like it's just not the way it
• 13:01
  was. And so you have to be open also
• 13:07
  to taking criticism, taking advice, listening to what they
• 13:14
  want and how they do things, because it's not how we did
• 13:17
  things at all anymore at all. I had this conversation with
• 15:04
  this young lady of couple weeks ago and she does.
• 15:08
  I can't even remember what her exact job is, but it's some
• 15:11
  nonprofit organization and she said that her role is working
• 15:15
  with grandparents as though grandparents are the enemy,
• 15:19
  basically because they don't know how to do anything for the
• 15:21
  babies. The heart putting in the car
• 15:23
  seat well. That I agree.
• 15:25
  I've tried to. I tried to put the car seat in
• 15:28
  and that was like an act of God. So we had to get somebody else
• 15:31
  to do it. We're not.
• 15:32
  We're not sleeping tummy anymore.
• 15:34
  Oh no no no. Or with blankets until they're a
• 15:38
  certain age, which me and my husband kept saying what about a
• 15:41
  blanket? He must be cold.
• 15:42
  She's like, we don't do blankets.
• 15:44
  Yeah. So you don't have to learn
• 15:46
  anything new there. You don't have grandkids.
• 15:48
  So there you go. So listen, this could be
• 15:50
  something that that you worry about all the time, but it
• 15:53
  doesn't have to be. But the, the let's talk about
• 15:55
  this exhaustion that you feel after you leave your little baby
• 15:59
  boy grandson because you're chasing after him and his
• 16:03
  parents are sitting at the playground watching you chase
• 16:05
  him. And I think that's great.
• 16:07
  They're just confident that he's not going to fall through holes
• 16:09
  and they and. You're they're so confident.
• 16:11
  I have to say my son-in-law and my daughter are amazing parents.
• 16:17
  I, on the other hand, and a neurotic, crazy grandmother
• 16:21
  because I see things you see danger, I see danger, I see
• 16:25
  danger. And so they kind of calm me
• 16:29
  down. Mom, it's OK.
• 16:30
  We go on this ride all the the time.
• 16:32
  He he likes to do it by himself. And that's why I think when I,
• 16:36
  when my daughter said that one time, I think that's where to me
• 16:43
  raising your own kids can be exhausting because I always felt
• 16:47
  like I was on guard. You know what I mean?
• 16:50
  Like I always felt like, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.
• 16:53
  And so I like kind of the calmness, but I got to get into
• 16:58
  it because I'm still that mom. Don't let him touch that.
• 17:01
  He's going to hurt himself. And I have to calm that a little
• 17:05
  bit because first of all, it's not my child.
• 17:07
  And second of all, they're doing an amazing job.
• 17:10
  So I don't have to really step in because they've got it.
• 17:15
  And that's a whole nother thing. You know, I think stepping back
• 17:19
  and just if they want you, they'll let you know.
• 17:23
  If they need you, they'll let you know.
• 17:25
  You know, let's. Talk about let's talk about
• 17:27
  holding your tongue, because that can't be easy.
• 17:30
  I, I mean, obviously you are somebody you probably have
• 17:34
  nothing really to criticize, nor would you, but I'm just saying I
• 17:37
  in general you. Can't.
• 17:40
  You can't just say whatever you're.
• 17:42
  Thinking. No, you have to curb what you're
• 17:45
  like. You can think it, but you can't
• 17:47
  say it, right? You think you can say it, And
• 17:50
  then if you do say it, you're going to think why you shouldn't
• 17:53
  have said it, OK. Because, you know, you've raised
• 17:58
  your kids. And that's the look you get.
• 18:00
  Like, this is my kid. You've raised your kids.
• 18:03
  Now it's my turn, and they're right.
• 18:06
  That's all I'm going to say is they're right.
• 18:07
  I mean, you got a curb the tongue, you got to curb what
• 18:12
  you're. You can think it, but think
• 18:14
  before you say it. Which is sometimes hard to do as
• 18:17
  a mom because moms have instincts and it's not their
• 18:22
  child to have the instincts with so.
• 18:24
  So control your instincts. Yes, control, they've got it.
• 18:28
  It's not your offspring. I keep saying to myself, they've
• 18:31
  got this, they can do it, they've got this.
• 18:34
  But yet the phone does ring numerous times.
• 18:37
  Oh yeah, I mean, and you have the perfect response.
• 18:41
  It's are you venting? Are you asking for advice?
• 18:44
  Because you probably have some, but you don't need to share it
• 18:47
  if it's not being requested specifically.
• 18:48
  Right, right, because I think when you take it as they're
• 18:54
  asking my advice, but they're not they're just they haven't
• 18:57
  slept. The toddler was up all night
• 18:59
  teething they're tired. You know, you have to look at
• 19:02
  the situation and as parents, we know this too shall pass.
• 19:09
  We know, like when my daughter went to college, I thought, God,
• 19:13
  I remember when she was colicky and I was so miserable and I
• 19:17
  just kept wishing away those years wishing away.
• 19:20
  I wish you would do this. I wish you would walk.
• 19:23
  I wish you would talk. I would.
• 19:25
  And I would give back any minute of that rocking the colicky baby
• 19:29
  in the chair, you know, and appreciate it more because you
• 19:33
  see how fast time goes by. I know we'd veered off the
• 19:38
  morning of being a grandparent, but I, I, I think you just need
• 19:42
  to really look at it being a grandpa through all aspects and
• 19:46
  don't put rose colored glasses on everything because, you know,
• 19:50
  everybody's life is different. Everyone's situation is
• 19:53
  different and. There is a lot of money that you
• 19:56
  can spend on really fun things if the line stops at your kids,
• 20:00
  yes, because now you're not so worried about leaving a legacy
• 20:04
  for them or leaving or, you know, contributing to their
• 20:08
  college fund or anything like that when there are no
• 20:10
  grandkids. You have to say, all right, so I
• 20:13
  can find maybe another child if I feel a need to write mentor.
• 20:19
  Yeah. Or.
• 20:20
  There's so many mentoring so. Many brothers and Big Sisters.
• 20:24
  Yes, by. The way you so many.
• 20:25
  You don't have to be an A young adult to be a part of a lot of
• 20:29
  these mentoring. And you can volunteer, Sure.
• 20:32
  I mean, I go to the homeless shelter.
• 20:35
  You, there are so many kids there, so many under the age of
• 20:40
  10/12/50. I mean, that you could have a
• 20:45
  real relationship with and see them once a week and be that
• 20:49
  grandparent that brings them the fun things, that does fun things
• 20:53
  with them. And no, it's not your flesh and
• 20:56
  blood, but you're doing something for somebody else that
• 20:59
  they will appreciate it. And so I think you have to look
• 21:03
  at it like that instead of mourning a decision that your
• 21:07
  child made. I mean, it's their life.
• 21:10
  It's a commitment. And my younger daughter sees the
• 21:14
  hard work that goes into being a mom and a dad and says, wow, you
• 21:21
  know what I mean? I'm.
• 21:23
  Gonna hard. Work.
• 21:24
  If you're gonna do this, it's not glamorous.
• 21:26
  No, it I think there are a lot of young people who see the very
• 21:30
  glamorous, fun parts about it, which is.
• 21:32
  On social media, the. Shower a gender reveal.
• 21:36
  You do all of these great things.
• 21:37
  You can take all these cute little pictures and they're
• 21:41
  cute, but the Rose colored glasses remark was probably the
• 21:45
  big take away in this episode, which is don't set yourself up
• 21:48
  for disappointment. It it is what it is.
• 21:52
  I may be grandchild less. I may end up with 20I.
• 21:58
  I don't know at the moment. I'm going to say I hope it's
• 22:02
  somewhere in between, but I don't know and it's not my
• 22:06
  decision to make. Well, I also think that the
• 22:10
  younger generation is having kids later and So what they, I
• 22:15
  don't think are really understanding, like I had my
• 22:18
  first grandchild, my first daughter at 28 years old, and
• 22:23
  that was even kind of considered late back in the day, correct.
• 22:27
  And so I am 62. So think about that.
• 22:32
  He's only under 2, so the older you get, the harder it is to
• 22:39
  take on a role that someone thinks you should take.
• 22:43
  Because back in the day, you were really only in your late
• 22:45
  40s, early 50s when you were grandparents like my mom was.
• 22:50
  And so I think they've lost that perspective that what you do
• 22:56
  when you're younger is totally different.
• 22:58
  What you can do in your late 50s, sixties, even late 60s,
• 23:03
  it's you just simply don't have the stamina you once had.
• 23:08
  And it's not that you don't want to do every single thing they
• 23:11
  want you to do. It's just you physically can't,
• 23:15
  you know what I mean? I am writing a word down right
• 23:17
  now while we're talking. That word is stamina.
• 23:20
  We got to do a whole episode and stamina, yeah, because I am
• 23:23
  noticing a decline. Yes.
• 23:25
  And I noticed a decline, I have to say like in my, I would say
• 23:32
  late 50s, like 57. We had a good one.
• 23:37
  Yeah. And so that's why I'm saying I
• 23:39
  think that with the whole grandparent topic, you have to
• 23:42
  be realistic that we're not 50 years old or 48 years old or 45
• 23:48
  having a grandchild. I mean, that's just
• 23:51
  unfortunately, if you're waiting later to have kids.
• 23:54
  What do you think? I mean, then you were gonna get
• 23:57
  old grandparents. And there's no doubt in my mind
• 23:59
  that we have some young 50 year olds listening who have been
• 24:03
  grandparents for years and years because late 30s really
• 24:07
  realistically in this day and age.
• 24:09
  And that presents its own problems, right?
• 24:11
  So who knows? Everybody's, everybody's where
• 24:14
  they are, right? You know this.
• 24:16
  And don't look at social media because in social media it just
• 24:21
  to me gives a false look at what everybody's life is really like,
• 24:28
  Not the Instagram life, the real life.
• 24:32
  And so they may be dressing their kids up all in matching
• 24:35
  outfits and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, big, but you
• 24:40
  never know what goes on behind closed doors is a wise woman
• 24:43
  once told me that's my mother. And so you just don't know
• 24:47
  what's going on in people's private lives.
• 24:49
  So you just have to enjoy your own life.
• 24:52
  Another thing, I don't know if I love it or hate it on social
• 24:56
  media. Sometimes it's pretty cute when
• 24:58
  people are pranking their grandparents.
• 25:00
  Oh, I think that's hilarious. So there's one, this is my
• 25:03
  favorite. Tell me if you've seen this.
• 25:04
  And with Christmas coming up, I absolutely love this.
• 25:06
  They wrapped up a bunch of the grandparents own items and
• 25:10
  they're sitting around in the house and as she's opening her
• 25:12
  presents, it's dawning on her that every single thing she's
• 25:14
  opening is around. She already owned it.
• 25:16
  They went around her own house, Grandma's house, and wrapped up
• 25:19
  all her own stuff. That is the funniest.
• 25:22
  Thing, that's one thing. There was another one where they
• 25:25
  presented, I think it was the parents, but their grandparent
• 25:29
  age, a Christmas card with a big family photo and a really warm
• 25:32
  message. And it was a stranger.
• 25:34
  It was just somebody they made-up.
• 25:35
  And so he's dad's opening the card and he's trying to figure
• 25:38
  out who this family is. And they're passing it around
• 25:40
  and the kids are all laughing because they know it's just some
• 25:43
  random family that they don't know.
• 25:45
  And they're like, who are these people?
• 25:47
  They're like, we can't wait to see you again and we've missed
• 25:51
  you. And they call them by name and
• 25:53
  like what is this? Yeah, I could spend hours
• 25:57
  watching. This is one thing I think is so
• 25:59
  funny is spending hours watching some of the pranking this
• 26:03
  younger generation does on their parents and their grandparents.
• 26:08
  I find it so funny because the parents or grandparents have no
• 26:13
  clue because they're not really into the social media thing.
• 26:16
  So I find it funny. I mean not mean stuff, just
• 26:19
  funny stuff. Harmless things and and see if
• 26:23
  you don't have grandkids, you can mark yourself safe from
• 26:25
  that. You're not going to be the one
• 26:28
  who gets Frank. Well, I think here's the deal.
• 26:32
  When it's down to just staying up late and worrying if your
• 26:36
  kids are going to reproduce so you can have grandkids, you can
• 26:39
  let it go. And don't look back.
• 26:42
  Thank you so much for joining us for this episode and before we
• 26:44
  wrap up, here are a couple of ways you can support us and stay
• 26:47
  connected. First, we invite you to join our
• 26:50
  free Facebook group called Uncluttered and Unfiltered
• 26:52
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• 26:55
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• 26:58
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• 27:02
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• 27:21
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• 27:23
  Thank you for your support. Women over 50, we see you and we
• 27:27
  love you.