Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Why Every Woman Should Have An OF | Brittany Brave 🤣😁

Transcript

Why Every Woman Should Have An OF | Brittany Brave 🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I feel good.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I feel good.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of a big week.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a birthday week.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I just turned 30.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Four years ago.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'm fine.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your 20s are for fucking around and your 30s are for finding out, you know.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: That you have HPV.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: What's up?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Pound it.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Had fun in my 20s, you know.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't fuck.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: 30, man.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: 30's a really big birthday.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of had a little bit of an existential crisis when I turned 30.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was going through it.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I made all these crazy drastic changes in my life at once.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I hired a trainer.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just for Kegels.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh when I do Kegels now, men hear the doors from law and order.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Klunk klunk.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: In the criminal justice system.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Trapped! Okay, now.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Hired a trainer.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hired a trainer.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh went back to therapy.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Only the women.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Cheer.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Only the women.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: This guy's like gay?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Hired a trainer.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Went back to therapy and I quit drinking and drugs.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I went sober.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sober, yeah?
• 1:16
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was court ordered.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I still do cocaine though, because I'm from Miami and I'm not a little bitch.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get it.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: When you ask anyone in Miami what they do for a living, they're like, listen to me.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, if you do coke off a mango, it's healthy.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Vitamin C.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Tonight of my 30th birthday.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not drinking, not doing drugs.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: My friends are like, we gotta go out.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's all this pressure on your 30th birthday.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I decided to stay inside and do something much, much, much worse.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I decided to get to know myself.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I don't recommend it.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I took the Myers Briggs personality test.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, look at all the white women.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: All the white women are like, I take it weekly.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Her boyfriend's like, she keeps getting different results.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I sleep with one eye open.
• 2:21
  unknown: Okay.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a legitimate test.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Psychologists, lawyers, corporations use it.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: They say that there's 16 different types of people all around the world, right?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's based on how you think and feel and perceive.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're either like an INTJ, ENFP.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you remember what you got, shout it out.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm giving you permission.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: INTJ.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: ENNFP.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: ENFP, thank you.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I took it.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Long test.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I got C-U-N-T.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh thank you.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not laughing, you can't spell.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: You look like every guy in Miami.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: You look like a character from Grand Theft Auto.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck is happening?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Backwards cab, fuck boy, leave him.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Too hot.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I hate that joke, okay?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I did comedy in Florida for three years.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's a fucking literacy test, okay?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: They fail every time.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, I'm the hadraid.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And like, you know.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: This guy doesn't get it.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I can translate.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yo soy gringa puta.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Ah.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Puta is Spanish for a perfect female comedian.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are fun.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I feel good.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I feel good.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ovulating.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ah.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I am.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You are?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, what's your birth control?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get into it.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: None?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I fucking love when I get the answer I want immediately.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Clap it up for that.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Pull out in a prayer.
• 3:38
  unknown: Yes.
• 3:39
  unknown: Free woman.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Free woman.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh oh.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ah.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: You better pull out quick, Donny.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Pull out in a prayer.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a comic.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have any health insurance.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's pull out in a prayer for me, you know?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm on my knees, I'm not worshiping.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do you get it?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do you get it?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do you get it?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: A blowjob joke didn't land with this guy.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, who looks like he drops mixtapes on SoundCloud.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, check it out.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's cool.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like birth control holds women back.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody have the IUD?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, you gotta get rid of that.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: IUD?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's he I know, it's a little metal thing they put in your uterus, and it's how Donald Trump tracks you.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh it is, okay?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are in San Diego.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can't have an IUD in a beach town.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: When I had an IUD in Miami, I'd be laying out on the beach, and old men would come by with their metal detectors.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just laying out minding my business, and I hear beep, beep, beep.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Oye, mamita! I'm looking for gold.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: No gold, poppy, just copper.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um but I am on pollout in a prayer.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be vulnerable with you guys.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I took a plan B this week, yeah?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an American hero.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I took a plan B.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I washed it down with a Red Bull to speed it up.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how anything works.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's not.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: But in my head, I was like, let me have a Red Bull so we give this baby wings and it can get the fuck out of here.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: You guys better get on board with abortion like now.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I love abortion.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's my favorite pastime.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I love it.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever people ask me if I have any kids, I tell them negative two.
• 5:35
  unknown: Come on!
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go! If you're not laughing, you're Republican.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, come on.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, negative two.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not an animal.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I named the kids Roe and Wade.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Uh good, Jack.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's really good.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: This guy's like, I love Dwayne Wade, he's the goat.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Last year I actually had to tell my Italian father that I needed an abortion.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's tough.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's tricky.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Daddy, I'm in a really tight spot.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm making a choice for myself.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: My dad is so Italian.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: When I told him I needed an abortion, he goes, We'll make the whole thing look like an accident.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like I got a guy in Jersey, bada bing, bada boom, it's a quick job.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Grab the hangers, okay?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: DIY.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, okay.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Weird pullback from TikTok.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Dad, I took a plan B.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I love plan B.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a really, really good resource, especially now.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's a scary time to be a woman.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my issue with plan B, though.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my issue.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, if you've been to a CVS recently, Dwayne Reed, if you're me, a Dollar Tree.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um don't judge, it's the generic, it works.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: They're locking the plan B up.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Have we seen this?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Have we seen the horse?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um she's like, yes.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: She's in a CVS, like, ah! The stranger's inside the house! Like, you know.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: They lock the plan B up and they make you hit a button that alerts the entire store that you need a plan B.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you guys hearing this?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is breaking HIPAA.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: They make you hit a slut buzzer.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: They make you hit like a whore alarm.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: They make you hit like a skank bell, okay?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: No one comes to get me.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I go up to the counter and I'm like, hey, good morning.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I need a I need plan B.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I need the morning after pull.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I need plan B.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is in Miami.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I mi amor, no habla English.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, he put his dekenio in my empanada.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I said, dame más gasolina, no dinero.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Adiós, adiós, adiós.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Adiós.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like doing interpretative.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Adiós, adiós, adiós, a ora, a ora, a ora, no dinero, no bambino, no dinero, no.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, ah, you have COVID.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she had no idea.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I track my periods on Duolingo now.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um Okay, um.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think you guys get my vibe.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I do think I'm a pretty big feminist.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Let's give it up for women.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let's give it up for women.
• 8:32
  unknown: Love women.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Love women.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I love seeing you win.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Get your money, get your bag, climb the ladder, come out on top.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I love that shit.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: On my way over here, I saw a grown man fall off a city bike, and I came immediately.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I pushed him.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Uh he was asking for it.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um I don't like to lie to crowds, so I I will be honest with you, I'm a feminist.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a comic, I'm broke.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: At the top of this year, I did as the Lord intended, and I did start an OnlyFans.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: How do we feel about that?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, good, good, good, good.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: When I do that joke in the South, the women's turn to their husbands and they're like, What's OnlyFans?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the husband's like, I'll show you later.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sports betting platform.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh okay.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I love OnlyFans.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's given me financial freedom, creative freedom, sexual freedom.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can feel the tension a little bit.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are like, what does she do on there, right?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: What does she do?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: You could do anything you want or don't want.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a beautiful platform.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I post jokes, podcast clips, and like cute photos, right?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And thirst traps, you know, of you know, my asshole.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like a telehealth appointment.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, does everything look okay?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck, I wanted to see your feet.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um but the best part, the most empowering part of an OnlyFans is men have to pay you to talk to you, okay?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Men have to pay you to DM you.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So over Christmas last year, I got a message for$300.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: $300, one message, okay?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was gonna be disgusting.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I opened it.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: No photo, no video, just a message.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, hey Brittany, Merry Christmas.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to let you know you're my favorite comedian in Miami.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Fucking hang on, okay?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I got to talk to you once after a set.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You were really sweet.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Last year was the worst year of my life.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: My mom died, I got laid off from my job, and I suddenly became a huge fan of comedy.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sitting in a room full of strangers, feeling that camaraderie, help me make sense of my pain, and find the silver lining for everything that I was going through.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you ever doubt yourself and you ever think of quitting, I wanted to come on here, give you a little gift, and let you know that for what it's worth, you've had a huge positive impact in one human being's life.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Only chance.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: True story.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: True story.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I blocked him immediately.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Ah shit over to better health, you pussy.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And Bernie Brave, guys, have an amazing night!