Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #366 Best Of - Bedtime is the Right Time

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#366 Best Of - Bedtime is the Right Time · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Hello. This is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of a
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: bunch of books about how your family can be happier,
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: The dad to six kids. That well, that I share,
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  Speaker 1: that I approcreated with, that we had together. Please you
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: want to stop?
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: Please?
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: What have I done?
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Oh?
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  Speaker 1: Gosh, school holidays?
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  Speaker 3: We have six children together?
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  Speaker 1: Thank you? Well, we do from the same coupling, the
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  Speaker 1: same pairing. A lot of people like, really, are they
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  Speaker 1: all yours?
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  Speaker 3: We do get that question a lot, don't.
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  Speaker 1: We they're all ours? Did you know how? Yes, we did.
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  Speaker 1: You're kylie unjusticed.
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  Speaker 3: They only have to look into each of those children's faces.
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  Speaker 1: The family genetic resemblance runs pretty darn deep, doesn't it.
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  Speaker 1: Got So many people look at these poor girls and say,
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  Speaker 1: you look just like your dad. I'm like, oh, don't
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  Speaker 1: say that to them. That's so unkind.
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  Speaker 2: The kids have a little chuckle because it depends who
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  Speaker 2: people know better, because if they know you better, spitting
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  Speaker 2: and they will always tell the girls they look like you.
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  Speaker 1: When they know you though, they're like, oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 1: you are you.
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  Speaker 3: I think we've got a really good mix.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, me too, A mix of six girls, six daughters. Hey,
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  Speaker 1: the school holidays for the Eastern Sea Boarder coming to
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  Speaker 1: a close. For many of us, we're just so exhausted
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  Speaker 1: and so over it, Thank goodness.
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  Speaker 3: I don't think it's been long enough really.
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  Speaker 1: And then there's the other alternative, and I'm kind of
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  Speaker 1: feeling a bit like that as well. But to move
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  Speaker 1: into our final day rather than doing an old do
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  Speaker 1: better tomorrow, I mean, we could do a bit of
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  Speaker 1: a recap on the holidays, but I thought what we
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  Speaker 1: might do instead is just talk about bedtime and getting
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  Speaker 1: back into routines because with the kids going back to
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  Speaker 1: school and with the hours of daylight extending now I
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: mean daylight savings. Hello, we're into October at least unless
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: you live in Queensland, because the curtains will fade with
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  Speaker 1: that extra hour of sunlight. Bedtime it can be a
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  Speaker 1: bit of a challenge, but it also can be a
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  Speaker 1: really nice way to close the day out. And if
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  Speaker 1: you're struggling to get those kids to sleep, today, we're
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  Speaker 1: going to talk to you about five questions to ask
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  Speaker 1: your kids which will make their bedtime experience and yours
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: really special.
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 2:06
  Speaker 4: time poor parent who just wants answers now.
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  Speaker 1: Plenty of research over the last couple of decades has
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: highlighted that when we give children the opportunity to develop gratitude,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: they do better in life.
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  Speaker 4: And now here's the stars of our show. My mum
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: and dad good.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: This is Justin and Kylie Colson. We have the parents
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: of six daughters. Our youngest is in grade one, our
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  Speaker 1: eldest has moved out and married. We have three teenage
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  Speaker 1: girls right now, we're two still to come. No wonder
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  Speaker 1: we're tired.
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  Speaker 3: I don't have anything to say to that.
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  Speaker 1: You're too tired to thinking about it. And I'm the
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  Speaker 1: founder of Happy Families dot com dot You've written a
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  Speaker 1: bunch of books about how to make your family happier. Today,
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  Speaker 1: we wanted to do something really nice to follow on
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  Speaker 1: from our conversation on Tuesday about a three year old
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: that wants to go to bed late because she spat
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: the dummy time to give up the dummy. But this
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: time we're not going to talk about dummies. We're going
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  Speaker 1: to talk about how to create that really high quality
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: nighttime nurture, the kind of conversations, the kind of closeness
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: that we want our children to experience when it's bedtime,
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  Speaker 1: and we're gonna go through five questions that you can
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  Speaker 1: ask your kids to have really nice conversations at bedtime
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  Speaker 1: because parents always say to me, cannot get the kids
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  Speaker 1: to go to talk to me like the kids are
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  Speaker 1: just we ask them a question, don't answer he was
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  Speaker 1: school fine, They don't say anything. But most parents will
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: agree that bedtime is the time to have high quality conversations.
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  Speaker 2: We actually talked about this in book club last term.
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  Speaker 1: And so for those of you who are not familiar,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: sorry to cut you off, Honeymoon, but book club for
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: all of our happy families, I did on the podcast.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Is that okay with you?
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  Speaker 3: That's fine with me?
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  Speaker 2: Okay, all right, I'm still that there is a whole
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: heap of people out there that are rolling eyes.
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  Speaker 1: Though, I just it's it's in there. We're not taking
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: it out now. So like I said, Honeybun, the book club,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: I cut you off, and you cut me off, and
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  Speaker 1: now I'm completely lost. The book club thing that we
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: do is part of the happy Families membership. Whether you're a.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Book club thing, I don't believe you just said that.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: The book club thing that we do every term our
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families members go through one of our books, one
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  Speaker 1: of the books that I've written about making family Happy.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: You run book club for us and if you're a
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Happy Famili's member, four consecutive weeks during term we go
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: through one of the books. And last term we went
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  Speaker 1: through the book Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know,
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  Speaker 1: and chapter.
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  Speaker 2: Nine we talked about feeling joy and one of the
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  Speaker 2: things that we discussed was bedtime routines because for a
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  Speaker 2: lot of parents, that's not a place where we would
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  Speaker 2: typically suggest that we feel joy.
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  Speaker 1: In a lot of houses at nighttime, things are kind
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  Speaker 1: of chaotic and crazy, and what we really want to
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  Speaker 1: do is create high quality nighttime nurture experiences so that
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  Speaker 1: we can feel the just the awesomeness of what it
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: is to be a parent instead of the exhaustion of
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  Speaker 1: what it is to be a parent.
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  Speaker 2: And I have to admit, I definitely know the feeling
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  Speaker 2: of stressful nighttime routines.
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  Speaker 3: We have had our fair share of.
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  Speaker 1: Those last night, just saying.
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  Speaker 2: But generally speaking, nighttime routine it's literally one of my
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  Speaker 2: most favorite times with the kids.
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  Speaker 3: We're all a little bit sleepy, where you.
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  Speaker 2: Starting to wind down and just that opportunity to connect
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: and have those extra snuggles and read a bedtime story, which,
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  Speaker 2: like we talked about a few weeks ago, has completely
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: changed for me and Emily. I'm not reading those soft, warm,
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  Speaker 2: fuzzy feeling books anymore, bring.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: Science textbooks to our seven years.
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  Speaker 3: But I just love that time.
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  Speaker 2: There's just a softness that kind of comes over our
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  Speaker 2: children as they're going to bed most of the time.
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  Speaker 1: So five questions to ask your kids at bedtime so
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  Speaker 1: that you can have those conversations that bring you closer together.
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  Speaker 2: So we actually have our first conversation at the dinner table,
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  Speaker 2: we do. That's where it starts.
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  Speaker 1: And usually not every night, but usually we'll say what'll
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: be grateful for today? It's that simple. And the beautiful
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  Speaker 1: thing about a question like that is that it well,
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  Speaker 1: it teaches kids gratitude, but it also helps to create
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  Speaker 1: a sense of reflection, a sense of the world is good,
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  Speaker 1: good things happen, and I can expect that if good
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  Speaker 1: things happened today, that tomorrow more good things will happen,
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  Speaker 1: more things that I can be grateful for.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: We had one of the cousins sleepover during the holidays,
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  Speaker 2: and when we asked the question. She said, I don't
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  Speaker 2: know what I'm grateful for.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, seven years old And she's like, I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: And I said to her, do you remember when you
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  Speaker 2: said thank you today? And she looked at me and
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  Speaker 2: she said, she said, I thank mummy because she let
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  Speaker 2: me stay with you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. And I said, oh, that's gratitude.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe that's what you're grateful for today, that you get
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  Speaker 2: to spend time with your cousins. And she was like yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And it's changing the words to help us help the
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  Speaker 2: children understand what it actually means to be grateful.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Plenty of research over the last couple of decades is
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: highlighted that when we give children the opportunity to develop gratitude,
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: they do better in life. It's good for their relationships,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: it's good for their well being. It's surprisingly remarkably, it's
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  Speaker 1: even correlated. As gratitude goes up, so to do things
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  Speaker 1: like self regulation and exercise and school grades. Satisfaction with life.
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  Speaker 1: Gratitude is a powerful way to inoculate kids against depression.
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  Speaker 1: You'll note that if you're ever talking to somebody who's
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: genuinely depressed and you say, well, is this something in
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  Speaker 1: your life that you're grateful for. They will say no
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  Speaker 1: because they can't find that thing to be grateful for.
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  Speaker 1: So really important question, and it's also beautiful to hear
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  Speaker 1: the things that they are grateful for, to hear the
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  Speaker 1: little conversations.
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  Speaker 2: Well, one of the things I love about around the
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  Speaker 2: dinner table is if you've had a hard day and
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  Speaker 2: it's hard to find something to be grateful for, listening
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  Speaker 2: to what other people are grateful for kind of triggers
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  Speaker 2: your understanding a memory of things that may have happened
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  Speaker 2: that you could be grateful for, but because you're in
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  Speaker 2: a funk, it's hard to see them in that moment.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, what's the second question?
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  Speaker 3: What are you looking forward to?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so this follows directly on from what are you
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  Speaker 1: grateful for? And the reason this one's an important one is,
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  Speaker 1: just like gratitude helps to inoculate against depression, looking forward
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  Speaker 1: to something, being optimistic about the future, having hope that
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  Speaker 1: tomorrow is going to be a good day is a
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  Speaker 1: wonderful way to inoculate kids against anxiety. If you're looking
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  Speaker 1: forward to something, so anxiety is feeling fearful or apprehensive
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  Speaker 1: or worried about what's coming in the future. And if
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  Speaker 1: you can talk to your kids about what they're looking
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  Speaker 1: forward to tomorrow. That means that any fear or apprehension
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  Speaker 1: or worry can be diminished because there are things to
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  Speaker 1: look forward to. Now. It may be that tomorrow they're
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: going to the dentist and having four feelings and they're
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: not looking forward to that at all. But if there
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: is something that they're looking forward to, then that may
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  Speaker 1: be what it takes to help get them through the
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: thing that they're nervous about.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I think too often what we've found is that
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  Speaker 2: our kids actually may be excited about something, but there's
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  Speaker 2: an anxiety associated with that they're looking.
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  Speaker 3: Forward to as well.
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  Speaker 2: Nervous anticipation, yeah, and so being able to have those
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  Speaker 2: conversations really helpful as well to help them recognize that
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  Speaker 2: you can feel too completely opposite emotions in the same
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  Speaker 2: space and work through them.
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  Speaker 1: Up next, the final three questions to ask every night
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  Speaker 1: with your kids to help make family life a joy.
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: In the evenings, it's their Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: Poor Parent who Just Wants Answers Now, And today we're
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  Speaker 2: talking about bedtime conversations. Five questions that we can ask
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  Speaker 2: our children before they go to bed.
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  Speaker 1: First one, what are you grateful for? Second one, what
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  Speaker 1: are you looking forward to? What's the third one?
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  Speaker 3: This one's a great one because it's so open ended.
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  Speaker 3: But is there anything you want to talk to me about?
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  Speaker 1: Hi?
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  Speaker 2: Are you worried about anything? Is there anything that you
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  Speaker 2: just want to share with me?
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  Speaker 1: It's amazing what happens. You asked that question when the
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: kids get in the car after school or when they
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: walk in the door, and they kind of go, huh,
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  Speaker 1: what a bizarre question to ask. No, of course there's not.
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  Speaker 1: But once they're lying flat on their back, it's just
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  Speaker 1: beautiful what comes out of their mouths. If you can
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  Speaker 1: be patient, just lay there with them.
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  Speaker 2: We don't have this kind of routine with our older
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  Speaker 2: kids anymore. But even last night we got to knock
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  Speaker 2: on the door.
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  Speaker 3: Lights were out, we were we were ready to just
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  Speaker 3: you know.
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  Speaker 1: The lights were literally out at what time was it
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  Speaker 1: like five to nine? Because I get up at four
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: thirty for a bike ride ride, so I'm exhausted at
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  Speaker 1: nine o'clock and i'd locked the.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Door, so nobody came in, and we had a knock
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  Speaker 2: on the door, and we're like.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, what do you want?
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  Speaker 3: And she said, I just want to come in. We're like,
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  Speaker 3: we're going to bed, and she says, but I want
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: to talk to you.
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  Speaker 1: So you got up. So I got up, opened the.
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  Speaker 3: Door, unlocked the door. She came in.
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  Speaker 1: Did she talk to us? She did, and I fall asleep.
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  Speaker 1: I think I might have I do remember the knock
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: on the door. I have no recollection of the conversation.
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  Speaker 3: Poor kid.
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  Speaker 2: Honestly, if it's not me falling asleep in interviews, it's
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: you're falling asleep when they're actually trying to connect.
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  Speaker 1: I can't believe that I just said that on the podcast. Gosh,
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: you know what, I'm not perfect. I've never made any
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: claims to parenting perfection. I love talking to the kids,
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  Speaker 1: But you try to talk to me at nine o'clock
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: at night. It's curtains, forget it. The match sticks can't
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: hold up the what do you call these things in
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: your eyes? Your eyelids. Yeah, the eyelids are closing no
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: matter what. I can't believe I forgot what that was
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: called as well. I'm feeling so embarrassed. Now, did she
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: have a good conversation with us with me?
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: Yes, she did, she did. But I just love it.
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  Speaker 2: And there is something wonderful about nighttime and just this
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: sense of being able to open up.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. One of our favorite things to do. We've got
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: a new brazier because the last one died, and we
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: just throw a couple of bits of wood in there
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: and light it up and sit around there and have
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: a couple of marshmallows or a hot chocolate and the kids.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: The kids get real talky, don't they. They really love
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: to chat.
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  Speaker 2: The last two aren't really questions, but they're conversations that
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: are wonderful ways to end your day.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Sure.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: The first one is if there's been anything in the
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: day that hasn't gone so well, an apology, you know,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: acknowledging we got it wrong today and I'm really sorry
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: for the part that I played in it.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, one of my favorite things is to apologize to
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: my kids. I know that sounds really weird, but I
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: just love it. I love being able to sit with
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: the kids and say I'm flawed, I'm full of mistakes.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: I fell asleep on your last night when you were
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: trying to talk to me when you intrude it into
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: my bedroom at nine o'clock. I'm really sorry about that.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Would you like to talk to me? There's just something
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: that draws you closer when you have the opportunity to
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: repair through asking forgiveness and apologizing. Not that I'm suggesting
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: that parents should be doing that never endingly, Like we
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: don't want to be relentlessly repenting of our relationship ruptures,
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: but when there has been one, we need to and
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: the nighttime seems to be a really nice time to
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: do it so that the next morning everyone wakes up
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: and they feel close.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I love that.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: I just I think there's something beautiful about it. And
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: the last one is just those endearing acknowledgments of love.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, those three magic words, I love you, gosh, thanks honey.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: You know I say this all the time that they
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: are the three second most important words that our kids
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: need to hear.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: The last who are no matter what?
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: That's three words. You know. There's four kinds of people
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: in the world, those who can count and those who can't. Ah, Really,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: I love you no matter what, even if you can't
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: do maths. I'm still crazy about you, and kids just
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: love hearing that. In fact, the soppier and the cheesy
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: you can be, especially when they're young, the better.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: My favorite, all time favorite bedtime story is Guess how
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: much I Love.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: You, Sam mcbradney.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: The kids just love trying to come up with a
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: bigger concept of love.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I love you infinity, I love you to the moon.
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: I like you difinity plus infinity.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: That's right, infinity times infinity. Brilliant stuff. So we hope
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: that those five conversations are helpful for creating some nighttime
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: nurture in your home tonight. The quick recap, what are
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: you grateful for? What are you looking forward to?
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: Is there anything you want to talk to me about?
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry and I love you, and don't forget there
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: has to be an abundance of snuggles.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, We really hope you've enjoyed the podcasts today.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. Oh, by the way, it's
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: been a while since I've mentioned this, but we just
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: love getting your reviews on Apple Podcasts. Five star reviews
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: and ratings make all the difference in terms of helping
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: us to know that you're loving the podcast, but also
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: getting the podcast out to other people.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: We got the best one the other day.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: Fill me in. I must have missed it.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: I love this podcast. I find myself giggling out loud
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: many times. It feels like I'm having a coffee with
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: friends and a good laugh over parenting fails.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: Oh, every time we get it wrong, everyone feels better.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: I love I learned so much from this podcast.
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Oh that's great. Who is that that was from? I
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: can't read it from here?
• 15:02
  Speaker 4: Lee?
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: Well, thank you Kiara e Lee. So again, those podcasts,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: ratings and reviews help people to find the podcast to
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: make their family happier. We really appreciate it when you
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: do that. The podcast is produced by Justin rolland from
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media, and Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: you'd like more information about how to make your family
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: happier and you don't think the podcast is enough, you
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: can find everything you need at happy families dot com
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: dot a