Latest / Unlearning Beautiful / Ep. 46 Why Trying on Clothes Can Make You Hate Your Body
Transcript
- 1022: I think we've all had that experience of going close shopping and ending up feeling terrible about our bodies. Maybe it's trying on jeans or a bathing suit or finding a dress for a special occasion. You might go in dreading it because you tend to know how this goes. Or you might go in hopeful, thinking, okay, I'm gonna find something that I really love. And then you're in the changing room, trying things on, looking in the mirror, and suddenly you find yourself in a shame spiral. Everything looks terrible. You can't Find things that fit, and you're blaming your body, not the clothes, your body. Today I want to talk about why that happens and what to do about it when it does. Welcome to Unlearning Beautiful, a podcast for women tired of trying to look good enough and ready to feel good from within. I'm your host, Christina Bruce, here to help you let go of the pressure to look right or do it all right, and reconnect with your inner guidance, your natural work. And what truly makes you feel fulfilled. Because the freedom you're craving was never in how you look. Historically, before mass manufacturing, clothing was made to fit the individual. The clothes were made to fit the body rather than expecting the body to fit a standardized design. Today, we're being asked to fit our bodies into these templates and molds, and our bodies just don't really work that way. There's this account on Instagram that I've been following lately. It's called, I think, and if I'm saying it right, Annexan and Co. I'm gonna link to them below so you can follow them. They're reminding us that you can make clothing to accommodate and fit different shaped bodies and it can look really good. We're just living in a world right now where that's not the norm. We often find ourselves feeling like our bodies are wrong if they don't fit this particular kind of clothing. We're constantly given the message that if we just fix our bodies, that will solve the problem. If you just lose a little bit of weight, then you'll be able to fit into those jeans. We've become so conditioned to believe that our bodies are the problem that we don't even question the clothing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg because when we're not feeling good about ourselves in the changing room, there's a lot more that's going on than we often realize. You may be finding this extra frustrating if your body has changed recently or you're older now and it just isn't in the same proportions that it used to be when you're younger. It can be easy to blame the body. Well, it's because of the weight gain. It's because I've changed and everything was easier when I was thinner and younger. But I want to ask you this: Was there ever a time when you were younger or thinner that you didn't like how you looked in clothes? That the jeans still didn't fit quite right, that you were still criticizing yourself in the bathing suit. I certainly know that has happened to me. And in fact, I have one particular picture that comes to mind of when I was in a change room, really upset about how I looked. I took a picture of myself to send to my boyfriend at the time lamenting how I thought I looked terrible. Looking back at that photo now, I was the ideal that I wanted to be. So I had quote unquote made it. And yet my experience of myself and my body was not that of having made it. All I could see was flaws and things that could be improved. Even when your body has met the ideal, it doesn't last for long before that mind will come in and start judging and criticizing it again. And it's funny because hearing that, I wouldn't be surprised if your mind starts to justify it and say, okay, well, that was just critical thinking, like that was unnecessary thinking back when I was younger and thinner and more beautiful. But now, now I really have an actual reason. To be critical of it. I mean, I've got sagging skin, I really don't look like the beauty ideal anymore. So obviously I'm supposed to be critical of it. But I'm gonna even challenge that thinking. Because as I said before, if it was really truly the body that was going to make us feel beautiful and feel good and feel confident, then we should have never had critical thoughts about our body when we were thin. But we did. And so the if the same thing is happening now. It can't be because of a body change. It has to be because the mental script that the mind is repeating is still the same. So let's take a look at what happens when we're actually trying on clothes. There's two different types of scenarios that I find are going on here. The first one is when the clothes just don't fit. They're too snug, the pants don't pull up, you can't get the dress over your head, or you're in that horrible situation where you're trying to get it. Off of you, and you're like, God, please don't tear, please don't rip. I'm sure we've all been there. So the thing is, is that in those situations, we can start to blame ourselves. if I just lost some weight, if I was just thinner, then I'd be able to fit into the jeans or get this dress off of my head. And in this example, it's even more clear of what our mind is doing. Because if you can't fit into the genes, most often, not always, we can just get a Bigger size. So it's not really that there's any problem with the clothes not fitting. It's just information. this doesn't fit. Or maybe the design of this particular outfit doesn't tailor the exact shape of my body. That's really neutral. It's just information. Okay, now I know I need something different. But it's never just that, is it? It's what our mind. makes it mean. Our mind starts spinning this out. my God, I can't believe I've gained so much weight. I have the wrong body size. I wish I wasn't pear-shaped or apple-shaped or whatever it is. I ate too much last night. I'm such a failure. I really need to get it together. Like that's the story that the mind starts spinning out when really all that's happening as a piece of clothing isn't fitting your body. That has no inherent meaning in and of itself. The mind gives it a whole bunch of meaning, and then that's why we go down a spiral. And this can also happen with different sizing. I'm an extra large now where I used to be a medium or a large. So it starts to create meaning with the sizes. But we also know that sizing is wildly inconsistent. And I see this all the time when I'm buying clothes for my daughter. My mom will ask me, what size should I buy for her? And Sometimes I'll say, honestly, mom, I don't know. Because I have to end up knowing the brand to know, does it fit in this size or does she need a bigger size in this other brand? But I don't sit here and say, if the pants on HM run small, but they fit her in the same size at the gap, that her body's the problem. No, I just know that the sizings are crazy and inconsistent, but I would never blame her body for that. And yet we do that to ourselves all the time. And I think part of it could be because we're a little bit helpless in this case. We can't go out as easily and say, I'm gonna get myself a tailor-made piece of clothing. Instead, the mind will say, What I can do is I can change my body if I can't change the clothes. It tends to go to these extremes and we don't even realize that it's doing it. It's frustrating, it's annoying. But it still doesn't mean that our bodies are the problem. Let's now look at the second piece to this. It could be that the clothing fits. I'm sure this has come up a lot around bathing suits and dresses for a special occasion. It fits you. It's not too big, it's not too small, but you don't like how you look in it. You see it and immediately your mind starts scanning and criticizing your body. There's fat roles here. I don't have like how this lumps. My arms look too big. My thighs look too fat. You can really see my stomach. Now the problem is nothing about the clothes. It's whether our bodies look the way that we think they're supposed to look. And where did we get this idea that our bodies are supposed to look different than they are? Well, we've been conditioned with it. We have been brainwashed with it. And that happens through us growing up, seeing images over and over and over that tell us what a body is supposed to look like, what a beautiful body is. On fashion runways, in magazines, on social media, clothing company advertisements. And what is it? Young and thin. Now, as I've said before, I don't think any beauty ideal, even if it's a larger body. Is good because then you're still falling short if you happen to be in a naturally thin body. Beauty ideals and standards hurt all of us, whether it's a thin body or a fat or young or old, it doesn't matter. Beauty is subjective. We can find beauty in so many different things, but we have just been conditioned to believe that only a particular kind of body is beautiful, is worthy, and is valuable. So we put on the bathing suit and without even realizing it. Our mind is going into the archives and it's finding the images of all of the models that we've ever seen in bathing suits, of all of the comments that we've ever heard of, you look great, you lost weight, all of the negative comments that we've ever heard about weight gain or looking old. It's running that data, making a comparison and saying, you don't fit the bill. You are less than, you are not good enough, you look ugly, there's a problem with your body. All because we put on a bathing suit. All we because we put on a dress, because our mind has a mental image of what it's supposed to look like, and then it says, that's not it. But why any of that matters to us is because underneath there's these deeper beliefs that say, I'm not good enough, I'm unlovable, I'm unworthy, people won't approve of me, I won't be loved or accepted. And then our survival system, our nervous system says, and I won't belong. All get kicked out of the tribe. No wonder it is such a terrible experience to be trying on clothes. And so what this insecurity does is it takes an experience of trying on clothes, which is practical matter. We need to be clothed against the elements, but then also a personal matter. It's what do I like? Like these are the clothes that I get to wear. Are they comfortable? Do I enjoy looking at them? Those are the things that get missed because we're so consumed by feeling like we have to look a certain way, not only to the to ourselves and the ideas we have in our mind, but how am I looking to other people? How am I being perceived? In my free guide to Body Piece, which if you haven't already got it, I'll have a link in the description below where you can get it. I have a visualization that I encourage you to go through. It's essentially where you imagine yourself living on a deserted island, having never seen another person, how you would feel about your body. And that is a really good visualization to know when I'm trying on clothes or selecting clothes. Am I really doing it for me? Or in the back of my mind, am I concerned about judgment from other people? Or am I trying to project a certain image that I want people to see me as. And so then the clothing doesn't become anymore about what feels good to me and what is truly authentic to me. It can end up being this safety mechanism, this way that we kind of protect ourselves. I need to be seen a certain way or else. And you can fill in the blank for that. If we have grown up in families where appearance and how you presented yourself was really important. This has come up for some clients that I've worked with where they have been in families where they needed to make sure all the children were put in the right outfits and they looked a certain way and the family presented a certain way because what is everybody gonna think of us? They need to think well of us. So we can really ingrain that with ourselves and it can come out into the habits of. clothing that we're selecting and what we choose to wear. And the way that we talk to ourselves and how we look and scrutinize ourselves, it's like we're doing that through the eyes of our parents or whoever it was that we learned that from. It's not an experience of dressing myself. It's about doing it for other people, for other people's expectations, not our own. And that can make things really muddled. We can end up not even really knowing what we like anymore. Because we've been living so long through the expectations of society and what we learned in other people. I believe that when we start shifting our relationship with our bodies, when we start to let go all of these beliefs that we've come to take on about our bodies, clothing starts to come back into its rightful place. Does it fit my body? Am I swimming in it? Is it too tight? Am I comfortable? And do I like it? It's almost like when you're buying something for your home. You're buying a couch or a piece of art or furniture. You want to really love it. It's something that's going to be in your space. And you want it to be comfortable, you want it to fit. Well, that can be the same for our clothes. And sometimes it's like we don't need every piece to make us feel amazing. I'm in a phase of my life right now where a lot of my clothes is just kind of utilitarian. And that's okay. We can go through different phases with our clothing. And again, what are we making it mean? So if I need now to have the clothing to make me feel like I'm good enough, because where we can use the body to make us feel that way, we can also end up using clothing to feel that way. Where we then may end up buying pieces that we don't really want to or maybe aren't fitting us right now. But we're doing it because that's gonna mean something about myself. It's gonna mean I'm better if I have this clothing than if I don't. So we even need to go a little deeper and let go of this attachment to it so we can just find peace. So we can meet where we are right now and what makes most sense to us in our life. And that can be finding something that really lights us up and feels so good. Or it can just be, you know what, this works for now, and I'm okay with that. And one thing I want to acknowledge, if you haven't already been thinking about it, is I know that this can be more challenging if you're in a larger body. We know that clothing options become much more limited. That is a factual reality. It sucks. And I'm not going to ignore that. Thankfully, there are some designers and companies who are working to expand their clothing sizes, which is awesome. But you may not be able to access it, or depending where you live in the world, it's not easy for you to get it. But what I really want us to consider is does the lack of clothing become a reason why you feel like you need to suppress your weight or stay on a diet? Because there's a difference between wanting to care for your body and its health and feeling like you need to make your body smaller so that you can fit into a particular brand. or have more clothing options. And we really need to look at what that's costing us. I'm not saying that it's not frustrating, maybe even saddening, but let's not let the limitations of the clothing industry become and yet another reason that you turn against your body. So what can you actually do in the moment when you're in a changing room or you're trying on clothes and you feel yourself starting to spiral? The first thing is you can have a little mantra. It can say, Clothes are meant to fit me, my body isn't meant to fit the clothes, or some variation on that that works for you. Just a reminder that just because clothes don't fit you doesn't mean that the body is the problem. The second thing that you can do is to have some awareness if you're having a lot of critical negative thinking about your body, to see that that is learned thinking. That doesn't mean that those thoughts are the truth. And If you have been listening to me for any length of time, then you have probably heard me say, when a thought hurts, it's not true. When we have a negative thought about ourselves, that negative feeling is actually our own internal system alerting us to say, hey, the way that you're perceiving yourself right now is not in alignment with the truth of you. So you can use that as a signal. Okay, here it is, here it's coming. I'm feeling all the negative thoughts. Feelings, I'm having the negative thoughts, that's just this habitual thinking that I've been conditioned with. Even just separating that out from yourself a bit can be enough to give you a little bit of space to not be sucked right down into that spiral. I'm not saying that you're gonna all of a sudden feel better. No, you'll still feel it if those thoughts and feelings are there, but it will help prevent you from just diving head on into that spiral. Third thing you can do is to pay attention to the state that you're in when you're doing the shopping, when you're trying on clothes. Are you stressed? Are you tired? Are you going through a difficult time right now? When we are already in that tired, weakened state, it's like a magnet for negative thoughts to come in. So already you're going to be looking at yourself more negatively than if you were in a positive state. So if you can stop, maybe take a break, maybe come back later if you can, or choose not to go shopping for clothes that day. Try to wait until you are in a more rested, positive feeling state before you go to try on the clothes. And another thing that you might already be doing, but that you can do is give yourself some practical options by ordering online. Order A couple different sizes in the different items of clothes so that you have options so that you can then return whatever doesn't fit and keep the ones that do. So try those out and hopefully they help you the next time that you're shopping. And if you find that this is something that continues to trigger you, I want to remind you that this is the very work that I do with my clients one-to-one. I'm gonna put a link. below for ways that you can work with me, whether that's through one-to-one coaching or video series, I have different ways that I can support you. So the next time you find yourself trying and close and feeling that familiar wave of shame, I want you to remember that there's a lot more going on than what you're seeing in the mirror. It's not just about whether the jeans fit or whether you like the way you look in a bathing suit. It's about the beliefs that you've learned, the standards you've absorbed, and the meaning you've come to attach to your body. And you don't have to solve all of that in a single shopping trip. You can start by remembering that clothes are meant to fit your body. You can notice the critical thoughts without treating them as the truth. And you can begin questioning why your appearance has come to mean so much about whether you're good enough. Because The goal isn't to get a body to a place where you never criticize it. The goal is to stop making your body the problem every time you feel uncomfortable with yourself. Thanks for listening. I look forward to being with you in the next episode. Thanks for listening to Unlearning Beautiful. If this episode resonated with you, follow the show and share it with another woman who's ready to see beauty and herself in a new way. And if you feel moved, leave a rating and review. It will help this show reach more women who need to hear it. Remember, you're already everything you've been trying to become. Enough, worthy, and free. I'm Christina Bruce. Until next time.