Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Work in a Toxic Culture
Transcript
- Lucas: So last week I was talking to a compliance officer at a large bank, and she told me something that stopped me cold. She said, 'I can't afford to have a mentor right now.' And I thought she meant she was too busy. But she meant something much darker. She meant her boss had made it clear that anyone who reached out to other executives would be seen as disloyal. Luna: Oh, that's the classic toxic-culture trap. The people who most need guidance are the ones who can least afford to ask for it. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the angle we haven't really tackled on this show. We've covered finding mentors in every conceivable life situation, but not when the culture itself is hostile to mentorship. When asking for help feels like a political liability. Luna: So what did you tell her? Because I'm guessing 'just network more' wasn't the answer. Lucas: No, that's exactly the wrong advice in that environment. The standard playbook is to approach senior leaders, ask for coffee, be visible. But in a toxic culture, that's like waving a red flag. So we talked about a quieter, more surgical approach. And that's what I want to dig into today. Luna: Okay, I'm with you. Because I've seen people burn themselves trying to follow the old advice in a place like that. Lucas: Right. The first rule is: don't look up, look sideways. In a healthy culture, a sponsor in the C-suite is gold. But in a toxic one, the people with real power are often the ones you'd never suspect. I mean, think about it. Who has the most influence in a dysfunctional org? Sometimes it's the executive assistant who's been there for twenty years. Sometimes it's the head of a niche function who everyone respects but nobody threatens. Luna: So peer mentors and 'safe confidants' — people not directly in your line of sight — are actually more valuable. Lucas: Exactly. And that's my first concrete tip: identify the people who are visibly outside the political crossfire. They're often in staff functions, like HR, legal, or internal audit. They see the whole organization but they aren't competing for the same promotions as you. And they're usually more willing to talk because they have less at stake. Luna: That makes sense. But how do you approach them without making it weird? I mean, you can't just walk up to someone in legal and say 'be my mentor, please.' Lucas: No, and that's where the second tip comes in. You don't ask for mentorship. You ask for advice on a specific, low-stakes problem. Something that's not about your boss or your team. For example, my compliance officer friend started by asking a director in internal audit how they structured their quarterly reporting. It was a pure process question. But it opened a door. Luna: And that's the key. You're building a relationship through small, non-threatening interactions, not a big ask. Lucas: Right. And over time, those small exchanges compound. You're not asking for career advice, you're asking for technical input. And that's safe because it's about the work, not the politics. But the byproduct is that you're building trust with someone who can give you genuine perspective. Luna: So what about the people who say 'I tried that, and even that felt risky'? Because in some cultures, any out-of-band conversation is suspicious. Lucas: Then you go outside the organization. That's my third tip. Industry associations, professional groups, even former colleagues who've left the company. The key is that they need to understand your industry and your context, but they're not embedded in your political landscape. So you can be more open with them. Luna: And that's actually a really good point. A mentor outside your company can give you unbiased advice about whether the culture is the problem or you are. Which is a question you can't really ask inside. Lucas: Exactly. And that's something we've touched on in other episodes, but in a toxic culture, that external perspective is even more important. Because you need someone who can tell you if the problem is you, or if it's the environment. And you need to hear that honestly. Luna: And on that note, I think it's worth mentioning that we're able to have these kinds of conversations because our show is ad-free and supported by listeners like you. If you've ever found a piece of advice here that helped you navigate a tricky career situation, consider buying us a coffee at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It keeps the lights on and helps us keep doing this. Lucas: Yeah, and it really does make a difference. We don't have a big corporate backer, so every little bit helps. But let's get back to the tactical stuff, because I think the next part is really important. Lucas: So let's say you've identified a potential mentor, either inside or outside. The next step is to test the waters with a low-stakes question. And I want to give you a specific question you can use. Ask them: 'How do you decide which projects to take on when you're getting pulled in a dozen directions?' That's a question that works in almost any context, and it's not about your boss or your team. Luna: Oh, that's a good one. It's asking for their process, not for their help. And it gives you insight into their judgment without putting them on the spot. Lucas: Exactly. And if they give you a thoughtful answer, you can follow up with a smaller question a few weeks later. You're basically building a mentorship relationship incrementally, without ever using the word 'mentor.' Luna: But what if they're the kind of person who would actually be a great mentor, but they're also in a precarious position? Like, they're also a target of the toxic behavior. Lucas: That's a great point. And that's why you need to read the landscape carefully. If someone is also a target, they might be too scared to help. So you need to look for people who are either above the fray or have already proven they can navigate it. Sometimes that's someone who's been there for years and has somehow stayed neutral. Luna: How do you figure out who's neutral without asking around? Because asking around could be risky too. Lucas: You observe. You watch who gets invited to meetings, who gets asked for opinions, who seems to be consulted on cross-functional projects. That's a signal that they're respected across the board. And you can also look at who's been promoted from within — that's a good sign they know how to survive. Luna: So it's really about being a detective, not a networker. Lucas: Yeah, that's a good way to put it. And the final piece of advice I gave my compliance friend was to keep a small list of two or three people she could go to for different kinds of advice. One for technical expertise, one for political savvy, one for emotional support. You don't need one person to be everything. Luna: That's actually a relief. Because a lot of people think they need to find this one perfect mentor who can solve everything, and that's impossible. Lucas: Right. And in a toxic culture, it's even more important to diversify your sources. Because if one relationship goes south, you have others. And that's a form of career resilience. Luna: So if someone is listening right now and thinking 'this is my life, I'm in that kind of culture right now,' what's the one thing you'd tell them to do this week? Lucas: I'd tell them to identify one person they already have a decent relationship with — maybe it's someone they've worked with on a project, or someone from a previous job — and schedule a low-stakes coffee chat. Not to ask for mentorship, but just to catch up and ask for one piece of advice about a technical challenge. That's the first step. Luna: That's actionable. And I'd add that it's okay to be strategic about it. You're not being manipulative; you're being smart. Lucas: Exactly. And the last thing I want to say is this: if you're in a truly toxic culture, mentorship isn't just about career advancement. It's about having someone who can help you see clearly and maybe even help you plan your exit. Because sometimes the best mentor is the one who tells you it's time to leave. Luna: Yeah, and that's a hard truth to hear, but it's often the most valuable one. Thanks for digging into this, Lucas. I think a lot of people needed to hear this. Lucas: Glad we could talk about it. And if you've got a story about finding a mentor in a tough environment, we'd love to hear from you. Maybe we'll do a follow-up episode. Until next time.