Latest / Scott & Ally on Demand / Husband helping broke Mom

Transcript

Husband helping broke Mom · Scott & Ally on Demand

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: It will it will get more comfortable today.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna be up near 70.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yesterday never felt like it got out of that low fifties.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: And don't you feel though that you still need to be doing outside y kind of things?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, are you kidding me?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna be starting leaf blowing season.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yes, which is kind of fun because you feel like a ghostbuster.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: Fun for the first time.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's fun for the first time.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Nice wheeze with that.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Shut up, I'm still sick.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um my emergency this morning.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: The uh it's fun for the first time.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of like the snow blowing for the first time, mowing the lawn for the first time, or the last time of the season.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: It's the middle stuff, you're just like, oh God, that's why I like to just wait till there is so many leaves that it comes up to my thighs.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I've tried this, and then I can't.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Uh because I live in a rainforest, number one.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I if I don't maintain and now every weekend until all the leaves are gone sometime a week before Thanksgiving, I am out there literally.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like if I go do it, if I could if if I did it even this afternoon, I could get it done pretty quickly.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like maybe an hour.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: If I wait for it to get all the way up to my thighs, I'm out there for an entire day.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I end up stopping at one point one year and go, I'll be back to this tomorrow.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: You know how a few weeks ago we talked about giving Gavin and Lydia things to do as far as chores.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't put a blower on Gavin, it would pull him right to the ground.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's exactly what I was thinking.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: You guys, if you've never met Gavin, he's really, really small for his age.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: He's super lightweight little kid.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: 50 pounds, maybe?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: 56.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: He's 56 pounds.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: I could just see him like back backpack on.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: Leaning all the way back.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_02: And then his feet would be up in the air if he and he'd be kicking like a turtle.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Or worse yet, he he engages the blower and all of a sudden he's off the ground and the thing's spinning him around.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then Lydia comes and she's like, I'll take care of the things.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Give me the backpack, Gavin.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: I know, right?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: All right, listen.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Well, while we're talking about parenting things, and what chores I can give my kid.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Not that one.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Not that one.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, go ahead with what you have going on.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm pretty irritated with my husband right now because he wants us to financially support his mom.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: She just reached retirement age and quit her job, but she lives alone and basically has no savings.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, her husband passed away and didn't really leave her much money.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I feel bad for her.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I really do, but I don't think it's automatically our responsibility to support another adult financially.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get me wrong, we're doing okay financially, but we're not like women in money by any means.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm worried if my husband starts cutting a check every month, that's gonna come out of our retirement or the kids' college savings.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but eventually he's already told her we'll help her at least somewhat.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So now I feel like he's made a promise before we even agreed on what we can afford.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not trying to be the daughter-in-law who's like you're on your own, because that's not how I feel about it.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I just think we have to make sure we're not hurting our own family's future by fixing her problems.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: But so yeah, I just feel like if I put my foot down, it's not gonna get me anywhere because my husband already feels like this is our responsibility.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, just wondering what other people would do here, because I feel like this is gonna be like a somewhat permanent commitment that'll end up just messing things up for us.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the first thing that you have to know is you have a say in this because your finances are involved in this.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: Um you can pull from your check.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Well well, it no, it's not that.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: I I think there's a much, much better way to handle this.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: Um not tell him in a bossy pants kind of way.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that would be the one.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, let's not make him all defensive and be like, Well, so here's the thing.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: I understand he feels obligated to his mom.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: I would too.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, but wait, wait till you hear what I where I'm going with this uh on this.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot totally drain everything you have to make sure that they're cared for.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, it sounds like you probably don't want her moving into your house because that, you know, you could sell the her house or whatever, see what profit you can get and apply that to her future.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: That might be, excuse me, a little bit more extreme.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, here's what I would start with.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Here's how the help should go.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe, because like let's say she has a$500 car payment a month, grandma.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's not an uncommon car payment.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe that's where the line gets drawn.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: And you say, that's what we're gonna do.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Or if she still has a mortgage that she has not finished paying off, that those are obligations you have to deal with.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because you can't just suddenly say, Well, come up with your own money for the uh mortgage.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: She's not gonna get that much on Social Security, she's not gonna get that much from you know different areas.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: That has to be paid.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: And you don't you don't want her to lose your house so she moves in with you.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: That makes so much sense to me that you would start with a mortgage or something a little bit bigger.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Well, here's what here's the way I would do that.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: Substantial, I should say.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the way I would handle that.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: The first thing I would do is help them help themselves.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: In other words, you've mentioned this over the past couple days.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Heap just opened up in New York State.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Get her on it.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: She's gonna qualify because she doesn't have any money and she's single and you know, she's a widow.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: And you don't have to take care of that part.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: You you may have to so you're I think your efforts need to come more in setting her up for assistance that she can get that will help her.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: In other words, get her on heap.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: Uh then buy her a scooter so she doesn't need to have a car payer.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Look at the then I would say look at those bigger situations.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I mean, maybe she has an$800 a month mortgage that maybe it has let's let's pretend it has like three years left on it.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: So how much can we put from your social security or whatever else you're getting to that?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Basically, I'm trying to come up with ways to keep them from drawing the most out of their accounts and affecting their future, and it will.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: Because she said that, and I thought that was a great point.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_02: Also, I would want to see how the his mom is spending the money.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: Because if she's buying stupid stuff, then you need to also get a handle on that.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: And I know that's hard, but get a handle on that because maybe she can't afford certain things because she's spending it while she's playing online poker.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Because when you're old, what else are you doing?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's true too.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think you're gonna have to examine it at all.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anybody else has been in a situation like this where essentially you have, well, what is now, you know, a single parent older, that is they didn't have much laid aside.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't have the retirement, they didn't have this, but they still have these expenses, and they're still healthy enough to be in their own home.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, ultimately, I want to be clear on this too.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Ultimately, and she needs to have the tough conversation, it may come down to grandma to mom, mother-in-law, grandma for the kids, whatever, having to downsize what she is in.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: If she has a house and it's that close to being paid off, you may not need that house.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you do an apartment.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: I was even thinking, besides that, as a uh money savings, what do old people also have a lot of stuff?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: Is there other things that but a garage sale only gets you so far?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: No, I know, but is there a few things, at least until you and your husband can figure out a grand plan to help pay some of the things along the way?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: I think there are multiple things that you can do to at least transition you into that.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think these are all things that she needs to bring forward since her husband, the you know, the son of the mom, since since he's already said he's gonna help.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: I think now it's time time to define what the help is because you cannot break yourself or your family's future just to take care of someone that didn't do the best job setting themselves up for the future.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: And is probably playing online poker as we speak.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: It could be.