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Blood Is Not Thicker Than Water · The Karen Kenney Show

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Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey, you guys!
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Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm super duper excited to
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be here with you today, and I got my I got my batsy head
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sweatshirt on. My little hatching a plan, like I'm up to
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no good over here. I'm always kind of hatching a plan. You've
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been warned. You've been forewarned. Okay, let's dive
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into this sucker, man. I've been thinking about doing this
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episode. I don't know if I want to say a wicked long time, but
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it's been a while. It's been on my mind and it's been on my hat.
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But I want to start with a little, how do I want to start
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this? I want to start by saying this: what I'm about to say
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might have nothing to do with you, meaning it might not apply
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to you. You might not see it the same way. You might totally
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disagree with me, and that's completely fine. Okay, this this
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one really though is just like a little love letter, a little
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love letter to my brothers and sisters out there, to my to my
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fellow humans out there, who might struggle with
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relationships with their family of origin, and one of the
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things, if you saw the title of this sucker, I'm calling it
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blood is not thicker than water, and we're gonna get we're gonna
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get into that when we think about you know what what I mean
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when I say that. What I'm hinting at is the old idiom that
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told us we've all been told. Well, maybe not every single one
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of us, but a lot of us, especially New England kids
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growing up, mass old kids. You know, you you've been told for a
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wicked long time. You know, blood is thicker than water, and
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this idiom is kind of pointing to this idea that our family
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ties are stronger than any other relationships in our life,
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right? And where I kind of have-I don't know if I don't
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like to use words like always-but where I've had a
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problem with this idiom for a while, for a really long time,
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is that when we say something like this, especially to a kid,
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to a child as they're growing up, as their brain is being
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conditioned, because that's what's happening. We know,
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especially in those earliest years between, you know, while
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you're literally in the third trimester, still in the womb, up
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until like you're eight years old, like you're you're kind of
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being affected by everything in your environment. So if you have
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your parents or your dad or whoever, you know, repeating to
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you, blood is sicker than water. Blood is sicker than water, and
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you're being kind of force-fed this idea that your loyalty,
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because that's what we're really getting down to, right? Is that
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your loyalty is to your blood family. Your loyalty is to your
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family of origin, and there's a lot of lot of strings that get
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attached to that, right? To me, they're like these hooks that
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come along with this belief, and I've seen people who use this
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term, right? Blood is sicker in water because they're trying to
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control you. They're trying to keep you in line. They're trying
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to control the narrative. They're trying to keep you from
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spilling family secrets. They're trying to do the whole we don't
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talk about that outside of this house, right? It's like that one
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line: "Blood is sicker than water. It's like they're trying
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to make you take, like you know, when you were kids, and we would
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like maybe cut our hand a little bit, and the other person would
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cut their hand, and we'd shake hands. We made like a little
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blood oath, you know, or sometimes we would spit in our
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hands and shake hands, or pinky promise or pinky swears. Right?
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That's what kind of these are. But it's this idea that you
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never cross the family. You never know. Go against a family.
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You always take the family side, no matter what. And I don't know
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about you, but I am just not wired that way, I am not wired
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that way at all.
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Now I don't know if it's just because of how I am, like
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literally my personality, for some early conditioning in my
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childhood with my mother, and just kind of pushing back
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against the status quo and speaking my mind, maybe it's
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because I'm a Libra and I have a really strong sense of justice.
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I don't know what it is like. I but I don't drink the Kool-Aid
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when it comes to this idea that blood is sicker than water. And
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one of the reasons why I really want to talk about it is I see
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so many people, right? So especially as a coach, as a
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spiritual mentor, as a yoga teacher, whatever you know,
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people just talk to me as a as somebody who runs Write Club,
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and I hear people's stories, and I listen to people's stories,
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and I read a ton of books, blah blah blah, just in the
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collective conscious. In storytelling, in movies and
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films, I have seen it again and again and again. The ways that
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people kind of circus allay themselves, twist and contort
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themselves, go against their own moral beliefs, go against their
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own moral fiber, put up with shit that they would never put
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up with otherwise, because it's quote unquote family, and I've
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heard so many people say over the years, but I can't say no.
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It's my mother, or I can't do that because it's my father, or
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my mother and my father would get mad at me, and I'm like,
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wait, how old are you? Sometimes I'm not kidding. They'll be like
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in their late 60s, and I'll be like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're
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still, we're still doing shit we don't like or agree with or
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whatever because of mummy and daddy, right? So, for those of
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you who grew up in incredibly supportive, and loving, and
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kind, and compassionate families, you little unicorns,
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you like double a men hands. I am genuinely like happy for you
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and stuff like that. But I think for a lot of the rest of us, we
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have normalized putting up with bullshit that we wouldn't put up
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with anywhere else because it's a family member, and this idea
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that blood is thicker than water-I'm like, no, blood is not
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thicker than water. What about like maple syrup? This is how I
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kind of think of it. My relationships a lot of times
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with my friends, with my quote-unquote chosen family, and
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maybe you can relate to this too. Those those things run just
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as deep, if not deeper, because these are people we have chosen,
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and we have chosen each other. You know, as I say, you can't
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pick your family, right? You're born into the damn thing. It is
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what it is. And look, I love my family, and right? I think a lot
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of us can say that I love my family, and I have just seen so
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much damage over the years, and I think because we don't know
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how to have a nuanced or balanced relationship around
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this, there's even more confusion and struggling right
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now. I've seen so many people talking about like going no
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contact with their family, you know, and other people are like,
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"That's so dangerous. You shouldn't do that. That's not
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fair. That's not kind. Da da da da da. And the reality of it is,
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is I can see both sides of the argument. I can see why somebody
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might say, "Don't do that. That's awful. This is your
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family. Da da da da da. And I can also see where the other
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side is when people are just like, I'm so sick of this
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bullshit. And the question that I like that the question that I
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propose or offer or think to myself sometimes is this: We get
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so attached to this idea of blood relations, right? That you
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never know. I mean, you've seen it in every mafia movie. You've
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seen it in every movie where, you know, whether it has to do
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with a family or the mafia or a gang or a union or boys in blue
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or whatever it is. You don't cross the line. You don't do
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this. You know, whatever. You know, where's your loyalty?
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That's what they're really saying. Like, where's your
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loyalty? Okay, but what's a person supposed to do? This is
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the question I I I put out there.
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What's a person supposed to do when the relationships with your
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blood family, when your blood relations, your blood
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relationships start actually causing blood, like things start
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to get bloody, right? Sometimes that's physically, but sometimes
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it's also just emotionally, mentally, and spiritually,
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right? That staying in those relationships causes harm, and
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what you're supposed to just put up with it and not say anything,
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or just stay in the relationship because it's your quote unquote
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family. So I counter with this is just how my brain works, you
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know. I counter with. So wait, you're telling me I'm supposed
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to put up with this because you're my family, but my thought
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is, well, if you were my fucking family, you think you would try
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to do a better job at being kinder to me, or more loving, or
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more compassionate, or more relatable, like wanting to get
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to like like like doing doing like the work, so that you guys
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can try to work it out. But sometimes you're bumping up
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against you know blood relatives who have no interest, no
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interest in changing. They're never gonna change. You know
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they're never gonna change. They tell you they're never gonna
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change. And it's kind of like if you want to be in this, you
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better suck it up and stuff it down. You better get with the
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program. You better play by the rules. You know that this is
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just how it is. And I've told stories before in the past
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where, you know, I've dated guys and I see how they behave within
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their family and their mothers and whoever will look at me and
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be like, "Yeah, this is just how he is, and I'm like, "Yeah, this
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is just how he is, because everybody keeps putting up with
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his shitty behavior. You know what I mean? And I'm just like,
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and it's not that like the origin family is maliciously
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doing things. Sometimes it's just so fucking dysfunctional.
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It's so dysfunctional, and maybe you have one person or two
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people or whatever who are doing it a little differently, but
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they're usually the black sheep and the weirdos and the ones
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that stick out, and everybody calls you "quote unquote" too
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sensitive and all that stuff, and you just realize, man, you
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know, yeah, I'm not getting punched in the face, but I am
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being nitpicked to death. All these little nitpicky scabs
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where I'm just slowly bleeding out because every time I'm in
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your presence, you're like you're like a little roadside
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bird that's just like pecking at the roadkill, you know. You just
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like peck, peck, peck. It's like Alfred Hitchcock's birds, where
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it's like, as they say, death by 1000 tiny paper cuts. That's how
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it feels. Death by 1000 tiny pecks, you know. So these little
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hurts, and and I remember one time that I posted something.
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Now everybody, everybody knows that I'm a writer. Everybody
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knows that I'm a storyteller. Everybody knows if you've been
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paying attention at all to me. That I, I, I mean, I've written
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about it. I've talked about it. Like I still have every single
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childhood note that was passed in like junior high or in high
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school. I have all of my notebooks, all of my little. I
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didn't really keep a diary, but I kept journals. I have so many
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of these things. I can literally go back and tell you what my
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best friend Jillian's phone number was in 1982. You know
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what I'm saying? I have it all. I've always been this way. We
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can we can psychoanalyze me later as to why I might be this
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way and why I keep all these things. But part of it is
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because I'm a writer. Part of it knew I was always going to write
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a book, and I hold on to things because I hold on to these
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memories and I want to be able to access these things. You know
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what I mean? And I've always been call me a documentarian,
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call me a record keeper, call me a reporter, call me a
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journalist, call me what call me an archivist, call me whatever
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you want to call me, okay?
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But I hold on to these things, and so because I hold on to
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these things and I look back at things and I'm like, yeah, I can
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see, I can look back at all the fucked up things that had gone
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on. I can see the funny things, the hard things, the hurtful
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things, whatever. But one time, I shared online, as I often do,
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a piece of a story that involves somebody in my family, and
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another member of my family. They didn't say anything online,
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but they frantically started text messaging me saying, "You
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can't say that. You can't say that. You can't do that. And I
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was like, and I started writing. I got I I got pissed. First of
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all, nobody is the boss of me. Don't tell me what I can and
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can't do, right? And that you know whether that's a character
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flaw of mine or not, we can discuss later. But I just
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started writing back once I got once I got my cool once I got
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once I got it and I'm back right once I did that like five times
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and I'm back and I was able to write back like not not being an
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insane person, but I was like, "Hey, look! Whatever that secret
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code, that secret contract, that code of silence that you guys
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all signed back in the day, right? I never signed it because
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I knew that I wouldn't keep my mouth shut at some point. Now,
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here's the thing: I want to be very clear about something. I am
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never ever ever writing to for revenge, to quote unquote get
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back at people, to make people feel bad, to be an asshole. Like
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that is not my style. That is not my approach. But I'm also
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not gonna not tell the story. Do you know what I mean? There's so
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many everybody from Anne Lamott to what's her name? I can Holly
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something Gillespie. There's all kinds of writing writers writers
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period, but then also writing teachers who say some version
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of, you know, if people wanted you to write better about them,
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they should have been nicer to you. Or, you know, every
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everything that's ever happened to you is your right to tell.
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Or, if somebody was acting like a colossal asshole, it's not
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your fault that you just happened to notice. So here's
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the thing: when I think of my friendships, I think of them
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more as like maple syrup, right? I think of them more as like I
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don't know. Some people might say honey. I don't eat honey,
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but that there's a sweetness to it. There's a thickness to it,
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right? There's there's something to it that like that like makes
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you want to keep consuming it. That makes you want to be there.
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It's a choice, right? Blood is you. You were born with your
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blood. You didn't get a choice. You're like, this is who I am.
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This is the lineage and the ancestors and this is what I've
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been born into. But I can choose to put a little more maple syrup
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in in my tea to sweeten things. You know, I can put a little
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more on my pancakes. You know what I'm saying, and I also
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think that, you know, when I think back in my own experience,
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to my childhood, you know, there were times when I knew, like, I
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was a shy kid. I would, I would like, I did never wanted to when
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I was like dropped off at the the Venerini sisters in Lawrence
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for what's the thing before kindergarten? Like not not oh
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what's it called? You guys know what I'm trying to say. There's
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like a thing before before kindergarten, and I was being
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dropped off for that, and I did not want to like let go of my
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mother's pants. I was just like horrified. I was like so
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attached to her. You know what I mean. But back in the day, they
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would just like pry your little fingers off of it, and they
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would consider it rude, right? They would consider it rude if
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you didn't want to give the stranger a hug. The stranger who
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might be a family member, but you see them once a year, once
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every three years, and you're like, I don't know who this is.
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But back then, it would like it didn't matter, like what you
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wanted.
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They would just be like, "Go kiss your auntie Sally or
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whatever, and you'd be like, "I don't want to kiss this broad. I
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don't know who this lady is. You know what I mean? And so I just
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don't come from this idea. Like, let me put it this way: let me
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put like the whole blood is thicker than water in context.
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So let's say you have a creepy cousin, right? I should be
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forced. I should be forced to hug my creepy cousin who gets a
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little handsy, who says the most inappropriate things, or like
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whatever. And what about the uncle, the abusive uncle, who
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you know has been knocking your aunt around? And we're all
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supposed to sit at the table together and just pretend like
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he's not mocking her up in private. Like we're all supposed
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to just play along and pretend like everything's fine. I just
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don't belong to this mindset. I I do not do not do not. As you
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can tell, I'm doing a whole podcast episode about it.
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Believe that blood is sicker than water, and the reason why
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I'm doing this whole episode is that I've talked. I've been
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talking to a few people lately, and they've made comments. And I
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thought, you know, I really want to do a podcast episode about
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this because I think that people feel obligated, and like you
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know, when blood dries and it gets really tacky and dark and
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sticky, and it like it gets stuck, right? We can get stuck
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in this idea that I'm stuck in this family. There's no getting
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out of this family. There's no getting around these rules. I
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just have to play along. I have to do everything, and I jokingly
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say this because you don't need my permission. Nobody on here.
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You're all adults. You don't need my permission. But I say it
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with love that think of this episode as like a permission
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slip to start to question that whole idea that blood is thicker
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than water. Now I already know. I can already hear my Italian
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because I grew up. Right, you gotta understand. I grew up. I'm
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an Irish kid who grew up with Italian and Portuguese
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relatives. So I get that whole thing, right? I was just
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laughing, thinking, oh, I can already hear my Italian friends
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going, K.K. I can't believe you're saying this. What are you
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talking about? Blood is thicker than water. Maybe in your world,
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right? Maybe in your clan, in your family, but I'm over here
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to just say, look, you get to question shit in your family.
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You get to say no. That is not for me. I am not participating.
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Not on my watch. Not playing along. Not coming to the
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cookout. Not going to the wedding. Not doing Thanksgiving
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again, where everybody's going to be drunk and mean. Like no.
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Now I'm not over here telling you to go no contact with
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anybody. I do, and if you've listened to the podcast for a
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while, I do encourage people to find the right distance. You
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know, I used to tell people sometimes we just got to love
19:36
people from a distance, and then my friend Marian C once said to
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me, "You know, it's about finding the right distance. And
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sometimes, and you can't see me, but I'm holding my hands up.
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Sometimes the right distance is like palm to palm. You are
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wicked close. You might even have fingers entwined. Sometimes
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the right distance is three inches, which might be right
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every couple of months you get together. Whatever it is,
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right." Now my hands are wicked far away from each other, like
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even almost off the screen. And sometimes you never talk again,
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and that's kind of like that no contact. Like you just know
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there's no healingness, because sometimes those blood relations
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insist on keeping it bloody. They are not going to change,
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and whether whether their particular thing is, they're
20:22
mean, they're sarcastic, they're abusive, sexually, emotionally,
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mentally, verbally, whatever it is. They're like still drinking.
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They're still actively in addiction. You know what?
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Whatever the thing is that has made the the membrane of the
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family, the connection disintegrate in the first place.
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It might never change, and it is incredibly painful when people
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decide to go no contact. It's not like that's a walk in the
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pack because there's a lot that goes along with that too.
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Because every holiday, every anniversary, every birthday,
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every reminder when you're out in public and you you see a
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mother and daughter relationship, or you see a
21:07
father and son relationship, or a father and daughter
21:09
relationship, or you see sisters or siblings getting along, or
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you go out and you see a whole family eating around a table,
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and you just think, oh my God, like you know, there's grief,
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there's grief that goes along with that decisions, but
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sometimes you people make that decision for their own sanity,
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for their own well being, for their own safety. You know what
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I mean? So it's really it can be really easy to judge people
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either way. But I just wanted to say to people, you know, there
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are other ways of thinking, there are other perceptions.
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There are other points of view that you can check out and
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decide for yourself what feels right and what's the right
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distance for you. And sometimes the the reality of it is is that
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hole, as I said before, that blood is thicker than water.
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It's a way to control and to control the narrative, and to
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keep people from like you don't do that, you know, and it was so
22:04
interesting. We were watching a TV show the other night, and
22:08
this person, this woman, was doing like so many illegal
22:11
things. Now she was the hero of of the, you know, she's the
22:15
antagonist. I mean, she's the protagonist of the movie or the
22:19
show, but she's still doing all this illegal shit, killing
22:23
people, doing this, whatever, you know. But we're supposed to
22:26
be rooting for her, and her partner like would not comply
22:32
with something that she wanted him to do, and she got pissed at
22:35
him, and she said that like she's basically saying to him,
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that's not how this works. Where patna is, you went against me,
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you betrayed me, and I'm thinking to myself. But you're
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asking him to betray himself. How is that loving? You're
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asking this person to betray his own moral, you know, his own
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morals and his own ethics and his own hat and what he believes
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is right, and we're all just gonna obey this code because
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that's what you do. Ah, fuck that. You know what I'm saying?
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And um, and I'll just go so as far to say, like we're seeing it
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right now in the news with this whole horrendous, horrendous
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Cornell situation that happened a while ago, but we're just all
23:23
finding out about it now. You know about those those I don't
23:26
even want to call them boys because that whatever those
23:29
guys, you know that sexually assaulted and drugged that girl,
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and it was it's horrendous. And if you don't know the story,
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look it up. I don't I don't even want to give them airtime. But
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my point is, is that you see people defending them. You see
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mothers defending sons. You see people saying things, and I'm
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like, are you out of your mind? Like, take the blinders off. I
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don't care if this is your kid, your cousin, somebody you love,
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somebody you love does something evil, does something awful?
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You're gonna try and protect them because blood is thicker
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than water. Not on my watch. You know what I'm saying? So maybe
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that makes me weird. Maybe that makes me whatever it makes me.
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Um, but I believe that. I believe that. You know,
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sometimes blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes maple
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syrup is thicker than blood. And finding your sweet people, you
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know, finding your balcony people, finding your true
24:31
friends, finding the people that love you and support you and
24:34
encourage you and really see you and get you and try to make
24:38
repairs. Try to make repairs when there's been a
24:41
misunderstanding or a falling out or whatever, you know it's
24:44
really, really powerful and beautiful. And I hope you all
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have. I mean, look, if I could wave a magic wand, here's my
24:51
little disco ball. I'm gonna grab it. My little disco ball
24:56
pen wand. If I could. I'm waving this around all of you.
25:02
If I could wave this and be like doink, like boop, you get your
25:06
wish and you have an amazing, loving, supportive family that
25:09
sees you and and honors you and respects you and gets you and
25:14
celebrates you and asks you about yourself and gives a shit
25:16
about you and cares about you, all of it. If I could wave that
25:19
boop, I would do it in a second, but we all know that's not how
25:23
it is most of the time, you know. So look, find your family,
25:27
whether it's your blood family, amen. If that works for you, I
25:30
hope it does. And for some of us, right, it doesn't, it
25:33
doesn't, right? And and I hope you also find your your friend
25:37
family, your chosen family, and may you just be surrounded by so
25:40
much love, and I don't know. This has just been on my hat,
25:43
and I wanted to share it with you. Hopefully, it's helpful to
25:45
somebody out there. But thank you for tuning in. Thank you for
25:48
listening. I super duper appreciate you, and I love you.
25:51
And wherever you go, wherever you go, I'm not going to recap
25:55
this because I I was just kind of on. That was just a whole
25:57
long that was a whole long rant. Um, but but look, listen to it.
26:03
I hope it's helpful. Amen. God bless. Right, but wherever you
26:07
go, may you leave the people and your friends and your family and
26:12
the animals and yourself in the environment and the planet
26:15
better than how you found it. Wherever you go, may you and
26:19
your energy and your presence and your your love and the
26:25
quality of your relationship, the way that you relate, may it
26:28
be a blessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to the
26:33
show. I really love spending some time together. Now, if you
26:36
dig the show or know someone that could benefit from this
26:39
episode, please share it with them and help me to spread the
26:43
good word and the love. And if you want to be in the know about
26:47
all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on over to
26:50
karenkenney.com/signup and join my list. It'll be wicked fun to
26:56
stay in touch. Bye.