Latest / The Madison Church Podcast / The Power of Healthy Expectations in Faith and Relationships | Emotionally Healthy Relationships (Part 1) | Stephen Feith

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The Power of Healthy Expectations in Faith and Relationships | Emotionally Healthy Relationships (Part 1) | Stephen Feith · The Madison Church Podcast

• 0:00
  Stephen Feith: Welcome to Madison church online. My name is Steven Lee, Pastor Madison church. And we're so glad that you're joining us. Today, I'd like to make an observation. And that is that we've all fallen prey to some sort of false advertising over the course of our lives. Now, I hope seriously for you that it wasn't something that cost you a lot of money or caused you to go into debt. But we've all fallen for something.
• 0:27
  Stephen Feith: Have you seen those what I ordered verse what I got names on the internet, I'm going to show you a few in case you're unfamiliar with them.
• 0:35
  Unknown: Look at this picture.
• 0:35
  Unknown: This is my biggest fear when ordering flowers and having them delivered without seeing them first. That's terrible. What I ordered was what I got looking for some Disney pajamas or costume for Halloween, maybe don't order this soul event from Monsters Inc. And these are all funny, but also consider that a survey recently conducted by monsters.com, in which they found out that 85% of job applicants exaggerated their skills and competencies on their resume 85% that's almost every single person exaggerated some way. So those of you who are in charge of hiring, you've been warned. And consider this at the Federal Trade Commission has standards that are supposed to be met when advertising used cars. Automotive news estimated that no more than 10% of use car ads are compliant. That means that 90% of use car ads are somewhat false, or to some degree false. So remember that the next time you go to buy a used car. And there was a time when Megan and I we had just gotten engaged and someone tried to lure us into a scam Megan was told that she won some sort of giveaway that she actually did enter into, they told us to pick up the prize that we would just go to this hotel conference room, they of course had a presentation they wanted to tell us about their company and and that we'd get the prize. And so we go to the hotel one night with other couples have also won the prize. And we're sitting through this presentation, like a timeshare presentation except those four pots and pans.
• 2:17
  Unknown: They're trying to sell us 1000s of dollars worth of these pots and pans that were like bulletproof and would never melt would never scratch. I mean, they're just indestructible. And they talked about these pots and pans for two hours before I decided I had enough now we were going to leave. As we got up in the we're leaving, we asked about the prize. And I said if you didn't stay to the end, you didn't get the prize. And that was kind of shocking, because you've already been there for two hours. Why are we not at the end yet? So we left without a prize? What about you? How have you been misled? Go ahead and let us know in the chat room.
• 2:52
  Unknown: Now while we've all experienced our own shares of bait and switch, I believe that most of the time we're not baited into something that gets a switch, but rather comes down to our expectations, just not being accurate, just not being complete. It's unintentional.
• 3:13
  Unknown: And it just almost has everything to do with us not clarifying what we're after what we want, what we think that we want. disagreements with your boss, disagreements with your coworkers conflict with a friend conflict with family members marriage that's hurting, most of those things have to do with mismanaging our expectations in relationships. And so that's why we're beginning a new series today a five part series to address this and even more called emotionally healthy relationships and is based on a book by Pete and Jerry ska zero.
• 3:49
  Unknown: For those of you wanting to go deeper into the content, you can order their book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, it's a great book that has sold millions of copies. If you're wanting to go deeper again, I encourage you to go to Amazon or your local bookstore and pick one up, there's only so much that we can cover in our time today. The goal of the series as we set off, I just want you to know on the front end is to help us all learn skills to experience closer and more meaningful relationships. And by the end of the series, my hope, by honest hope for you is that you don't walk away with more information, but that you walk away that you put all the information that you learn into practice so that your relationships, experience trance formation, the series, I'll say it again, the series isn't just about more information, but it's about transformation in your relationships. And how we'll go about that is very practically going over the five different relational skills that the zeros write about in their book. Let's begin today by going to Matthew 22. So if you want to use the Bible online, you can do that at the bottom of the screen. If you have a Bible with you, you can use that we're on to Matthew 22.
• 4:59
  Unknown: And while you're Going there, let me just give you a little bit of background of the story that we're heading into. In Matthew 2215. Through 22, we see that the Pharisees are looking to trap Jesus, Jesus has a lot of clout, he's making some waves. There's a movement forming around him, the Pharisees just don't like it.
• 5:17
  Unknown: And so they ask him publicly if they should pay, if they should pay taxes, and this is kind of a trick question. Because if, if Jesus says, yes, then he's kind of betraying his faith. And if he says, No, he's betraying the Roman Empire. But Jesus answers in a way that only Jesus can do.
• 5:32
  Unknown: And he says, give to Caesar what a Caesar and give to God, what is God, the stumps the Pharisees. So then the savages sees come and look to trap Jesus, the Sadducees are like Pharisees, the religious leaders, scholars and theologians of their era. But they don't believe in the resurrection afterlife is old, they were trying to trap Jesus and saying, Well, you know, if there's a woman and she marries one guy, and he dies, and she marries another guy, and he dies, and on and on, who is she married to? If there is a resurrection, and again, Jesus answers that in only a way that he can, well, then the Pharisees circle back around, they're not done yet. They're not going to give up just yet. And they ask Jesus, what the greatest commandment is, they're hoping that by getting him to pick one, that they're going to be able to say, See, you're a false teacher.
• 6:18
  Unknown: But he doesn't Jesus answers in a way again, for the third time that only he can. Let's read his response, beginning in verse 37.
• 6:27
  Unknown: And Jesus replied, You must love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul and all of your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.
• 6:33
  Unknown: A second is equally important.
• 6:36
  Unknown: Love your neighbor, as yourself.
• 6:36
  Unknown: Now, I imagine that this is the Bible verse that you're very familiar with whether or not you grew up in the church, no matter your church background, you've probably heard this love God, and love other people. But the part I want to kind of point out to you next is a part that you're probably not so familiar with, after Jesus says that a second is equally important to love your neighbor as yourself.
• 6:59
  Unknown: He says, the entire law. And all of the demands of the prophets are based on those two commandments. This is before Peter, James and john and Paul, I've written anything this is before the New Testament is written. But what Jesus is saying is essentially that the Bible that they had, which was the Old Testament, the prophets and the laws, he's saying that everything that's written in it, the rules, the do's, the don'ts, every story that we read about God, interacting with people, ultimately comes down to two things that's loving God and loving other people. Now, if you and I, we go to church, and we pray, and we read the Bible, but we don't love people, and we don't love God better as a result, we're completely missing the point, the point of everything according to Jesus, as the better equip you and I, to love God, and to love other people. Therefore, the mark of someone who is growing in their faith, somebody who is a follower of Jesus, who is spiritually mature, is marked by an ever deepening love for God and love for other people.
• 8:07
  Unknown: spiritual maturity isn't measured by how much of the Bible you know how much of the Bible you memorize how long you pray, or how often you pray, but rather, according to Jesus, spiritual maturity is marked by how well you love God, and how well you love other people. And these two commands love God and love your neighbors, they're intricately connected, you cannot separate them. And because of that, oftentimes, our greatest roadblocks to spiritual maturity and spiritual growth is our relational immaturity, and the lack of growth in our relationships, or is pizza zero rights. It says that he says that it's impossible to be spiritually mature, while remaining emotionally immature.
• 8:58
  Unknown: If you and I are going to be a people who have committed our lives to God, to following Jesus to being led by His Spirit, then we need to take an honest look at our own emotional intelligence and our relational tendencies. We all know that relationships are not easy. So let's invite God into us into our homes, into our hearts into our thoughts as we consider prayerfully reflect the ways that we contribute to our own disappointments and our own downfalls. But most importantly, my prayer for you, my prayer for this community is that we act on what we learn. Let's be brave, let's be open and let's be ready to how God might move. And a good place for us to start this series today is by that admitting as Americans that we have ridiculously high expectations and I doubt that that's a surprise to you. That's not really groundbreaking. There have been books, articles and studies Show and discuss that the same exact products are promoted differently around the world.
• 10:03
  Unknown: For example, one, just one that I found was a cold relief capsule like Tylenol. And in Britain, they said that this cold relief capsule would make you feel a little bit better.
• 10:14
  Unknown: That was the promise it'll make you feel a little bit better.
• 10:18
  Unknown: And then in the commercial, they show that somebody is in their pajamas, and they got a red nose and, and puffy eyes, and they've got a slight smile, which is like indicating that, you know, they're just starting to feel a little better. But mostly, they still have a cold and they, they don't feel good, they're not going to work. That same exact pill marketed in the United States advertise that this bill will make you feel completely better that there would be no symptoms, it would take care of all of your symptoms. The commercial showed somebody out for a jog before they went into work and closed a big deal. And before they went out for drinks at the end of the night to celebrate that very productive day.
• 10:56
  Unknown: And obviously, the conclusion is that the British don't expect a medicine to change their lives very much because it's not promised to change their lives very much. But Americans expect these cold pills to work to work great to work immediately to be effective, and so that we don't ever feel sick. And that fuels our high expectations. And we don't accept anything less than that.
• 11:19
  Unknown: But if we're being honest, and I encourage you to be honest, it's not just with medicine or products that we can buy that we have ridiculously high expectations. It permeates every part every aspect of our lives.
• 11:31
  Unknown: In his book, The image. Author Daniel Borstein writes, we expect anything and everything.
• 11:42
  Unknown: We expect the contradictory and the impossible. We expect compact cars which are spacious, luxurious cars which are economical, we expect to eat and stay thin to be constantly on the move, and ever more neighborly. To go to a church of Our choice and yet feel it's guiding power over us to revere God and to be God. Never have people been more the masters of their environment. Yet never has people felt more deceived and disappointed. For never has the people expected so much more than the world could offer.
• 12:22
  Unknown: So heavy quote, never have people expected so much more than the world could offer. We do we carry these ridiculously high expectations into every area of our lives, including our relationships. And the real challenge is that many times our expectations aren't just ridiculously high, but because they're so ridiculously high.
• 12:45
  Unknown: They're also ridiculously unhealthy. unhealthy expectations. Pizza zero says our unconscious expectations. We didn't know we had an expectation it was unconscious until that expectation went unmet and we feel disappointed.
• 13:02
  Unknown: unhealthy expectations are unreasonable expectations. You expect a friend to be there for you whenever you call them whenever you text them, that they're going to be dropped everything just to be there for you. And these types of expectations are not grounded in reality. unhealthy expectations are often unspoken expectations.
• 13:25
  Unknown: We know what the expectations are. In this case we're conscious of them. But we don't speak up we don't say them out loud. And then we feel angry when our expectations go unmet even though we've never said anything. And unhealthy expectations are an agreed upon expectations. Just because you asked for a ride to the airport invited someone to a party doesn't mean they're going to come to the party doesn't mean they're going to give you the ride to the airport on agreed upon expectations. In a nutshell, unhealthy expectations or any expectations that are unconscious, unreasonable, unspoken or on agreed upon. And if you don't take a step back and examine your expectations, then I believe you're going to start to see your relationships deteriorate. Close friends are going to become distance distant friends, families, including the in laws are going to begin to explode or implode. working relationships with your boss with your co workers with your direct reports are going to become toxic. marriages have collapsed over unhealthy expectations. churches have split because of unhealthy expectations. Have you ever been there? Have you experienced the damage that unhealthy expectations can have? Perhaps you're experiencing them now.
• 14:47
  Unknown: The good news that I have to offer you today is that there is something that you can do about that. There are two things that we need to stop as people and as a community of people in order to To have emotionally healthy relationships, and the first thing that we need to stop doing is that we need to stop mind reading.
• 15:08
  Unknown: Many of us, most of us, if not all of us, usually assume the worst of people rather than believing the best out of them.
• 15:16
  Unknown: We assume the worst rather than believing the best. We think we know the thoughts and we think we know the motives behind what people are doing or what they're saying. And we make assumptions about them. why they did that?
• 15:30
  Unknown: Well, it's because of this. Why did they say that? Well, it's because of that we already know or we think that we know we make assumptions. And guys, this is just foolish. Proverbs 18. Two says, full of care nothing for thoughtful discourse, all they do is run off at the mouth.
• 15:53
  Unknown: Proverbs is dealing exactly with what we're talking about right now, when we make assumptions, we are foolish, we are foolish, when we don't care about thoughtful discourse, we are foolish when all we do is talk and run our mouth. And even if that's not an extroverted way of gossiping and slandering, oftentimes, we gossip and slander people in our minds, as well. And it's not just foolish, though it's it's arrogant.
• 16:19
  Unknown: It's arrogant, when when we act as though we have the ability to read people's minds and to know their motives. And when we do that, we're kind of operating under the assumption that we are the all knowing God.
• 16:34
  Unknown: But the deal is that only God knows everything. Only he knows what's going on in the minds of every single person. And only he knows what's going on in the hearts of people, we need to stop playing God, we need to stop making assumptions about other people. Because if we don't, we will continue to have relationships that are full of unhealthy expectations. Second thing we need to stop as we need to stop making judgments. And what I found to be true with a lot of people is that we judge other people by what they say and what they do, regardless of their motives. But we judge ourselves based on our motives, regardless of what we Saturday, you can see kind of the hypocrisy in that right?
• 17:24
  Unknown: Whenever somebody does something or says something that we don't like, we kind of say, Well, this is what's going to be judged for by what you did or what you said. But when we do something wrong, or when we say something stupid, our defense for ourselves is That's not what I meant. I didn't mean to do that.
• 17:41
  Unknown: It is it's a policy. And it's not just hypocritical, but it's judgmental, and judging other people. I mean, that's easy to do. We're all prone to it. But what begins to happen is we all fall victim to the what's called the fundamental attribution error. And it states that when we judge other people, the things that they do, we chalk it up to bad character. For example, if somebody is late, they're not just tardy, but we say that they're a lazy person, we make it part of their identity, not just that they were late, but because they are a lazy person. And we do this in all sorts of aspects in our lives. If we're going down the the beltline, or and somebody cuts us off, we think that this person is must be a selfish person for cutting me off. We don't consider that maybe they're late for picking up their little kids at school or maybe they're on their way to the hospital because there's an emergency happening. We don't ever think about that, that maybe it's because they're just in a panic because something has come up but no, rather we chalk it up as part of their character. And this is unbiblical. Proverbs 1813 says answering before listening is both stupid and rude. Answering before listening, making these assumptions and making these judgments about people. It's stupid, and it's rude. And when it comes to our own behavior, we consider the situational factors and and what we do we consider all of that when we try to excuse ourselves, but we ignore those same exact other factors in other people, and in the actions of them. And this isn't just hypocritical. It's not just judgmental, but guys, it's also ignorant. We don't know what we don't know we need to listen.
• 19:33
  Unknown: Before we speak. We need to stop making judgments, we need to stop trying to read people's minds. So if we stop those two things, we still have a little bit of work to do and that's we need to start clarifying expectations. According to a zero. All we have to do to have healthy expectations is the opposite of our own.
• 20:00
  Unknown: The expectations. So while we have unconscious expectations, the challenge then is to become conscious of our ex back tations. What are the expectations that we have for our families, for our friends for our churches? What are they?
• 20:14
  Unknown: Have we considered that? Have we done enough reflecting internally to think about what expectations that we have? If we have unrealistic expectations in the categories of rainbows and unicorns, then we need to be challenged to have realistic expectations. And is it realistic? Some of the questions you might ask is has this been done before? Is there evidence to suggest that what I'm thinking is reasonable if there's not, maybe it's not.
• 20:45
  Unknown: Next has the expectation been spoken. So we have unspoken expectations, the next thing is to speak up about our expectations, we have to take responsibility. And clearly stating the expectations that we have out loud with words, it's not somebody else's responsibility, to ask us what our expectations are. And to pull the answers out of us, it is our responsibility to speak up about our expectations. And finally, a healthy expectation is an expectation that's agreed upon, it's the opposite of an agreed upon. Now, just because you have the expectation does not mean that another person shares that expectation with you. So you can go ahead and speak up about your expectation, you can go ahead and have a realistic expectation, you can have a conscious expectation.
• 21:31
  Unknown: But if it is not an agreed upon expectation, it's not a healthy expectation, for an expectation to be healthy, both people have to agree upon it. Now all of these actions together, and I do mean all together, we can't just do one out of four, two, out of four, three out of four, when all of these come together, they help shape emotionally healthy relationships. Now, let's make this extremely practical. For all of us today, take a look at your own expectations. Are they conscious? Do you know what your expectations are? Are they realistic from the grounded in reality? Are they not? Have you spoken up about your expectations? Are your expectations agreed upon them with another person? Or are they some of those things, but not all of those things? Which ones do you need to step up into this week with your relationships.
• 22:24
  Unknown: And as God works in your heart to this interest, Brett intro suspection that you're having, I want to continue to pray for you that you will be brave and open and ready to take a step. And I want you to take time today before today and to talk to the person to talk to a person in your life, about your expectations as a step toward emotionally healthy relationships. And it's a step toward loving God and loving your neighbors better. Now, relationships are all hard, we get that and we're doing this big, big series to help. But we can't just think selfishly, about our relationships as in this information is good for me and, and my relationships and my relationships only. We have to think selflessly about these things. I mean, this I believe is going to be a challenge. But more of a challenge than it has been years before because of the pandemic.
• 23:23
  Unknown: people haven't been able to do the things that they've wanted to do for the last year. And so I think people are gonna start acting out more selfish Lee, we've already seen that sort of already with people hoarding more toilet paper than they need, with people falsifying information to get a vaccine sooner rather than later, we've seen people acting selfishly.
• 23:41
  Unknown: And I believe that this is a trend that's going to continue.
• 23:44
  Unknown: So before we ever get there, I want to bring that up and say, let's not be selfish, it's not just about helping our relationships, but who are the people in our lives that are around us, coworkers, neighbors, family, friends, spouses, partners, whoever it might be, who are the people around us, who we can help have emotionally healthy relationships based on the information that we are learning. Now, the Pharisees and Sadducees come to Jesus, and they have all of these things for him, and they're trying to trap him in it. And that's where Matthew kind of ends the story.
• 24:15
  Unknown: But Luke continues the story in it, and he has a different perspective on it. And at the end of the story, we're going to read something else, what happens to the end of the story, so I'm going to go to Luke here.
• 24:29
  Unknown: And Luke writes, looking for a loophole, the faricy asked, how would you define neighbor So Jesus had loved your God and love your neighbor, the first he asked, well, who is my neighbor?
• 24:40
  Unknown: And Jesus answered by telling a story. There was once a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he was attacked by robbers that took his clothes, beat him up, and went off leaving him half dead.
• 24:51
  Unknown: Luckily, a priest was on his way down from the same road. But when he saw him, he angled across to the other side that'll leave a religious man showed up. He also avoided the injured man. As the American traveling, the road came on to him. When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him. He gave him first aid, disinfecting, and bandaging his wounds, then he lifted him on to his donkey led him to an end, and made him comfortable. In the morning, he took off, took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, Take good care of him. If it costs more, put it on my bill, and I'll pay you on my way back.
• 25:32
  Unknown: What do you think which of these three became a neighbor to the man attacked by robbers? Jesus asked, the one who treated him kindly, the religion scholar responded, Jesus said go and do likewise. Let us not miss that.
• 25:50
  Unknown: In the story that Jesus tells that both a religious man or a couple different types of religious men walked by this would be the equivalent of somebody who's a pastor walks by and and somebody who is a member of a church and somebody who consider spirituality really, really important to them. And they both walked by this person and they kept on walking. And just identify as a Samaritan who were hated by the Jewish people this time, hated despise. They weren't even considered full people. It was the Samaritan who helped out Jesus says, which one of those do you think was the neighbor? And then understand, then, the implication the conclusion really of the story is that there was a pastor, there was a church member, and there was somebody that they didn't even consider to be a human, who loved his neighbor better, which meant that he was fulfilling the commands of the Old Testament of the law and the words of the prophets better than the religious people.
• 26:47
  Unknown: So as we consider our own role in the story, would we consider ourselves somebody who's way on the outskirts, like a Samaritan, or we consider ourselves in the middle, somebody who takes faith seriously, or perhaps we're a leader or a pastor. And in the story, we need to ask ourselves when we hear this information about emotionally healthy relationships, and we see somebody who's wounded on the side of a road, who needs relational, how do we walk across to the other side? Where do we go above and beyond to care for someone and to care for more than just a moment but to offer care ongoing? So that's what we're talking about. When we're talking about growing in faith. We're talking about loving God and our neighbors better. We're talking about helping them love God and their neighbors as well.