Latest / Loud & Lifted / Quick Lift: Exact Phrases for Hard Conversations at Work (Feedback, Pushback, and Speaking Up)

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Quick Lift: Exact Phrases for Hard Conversations at Work (Feedback, Pushback, and Speaking Up) · Loud & Lifted

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  Have you ever played a conversation in your head
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  and thought, whoa, that came out totally wrong?
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  Or you said nothing when you really should have?
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  Yeah, same. We all have. This quick lift is for
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  those moments when you need to say the hard things,
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  but you don't want to be the villain in the story.
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  Welcome to Loud and Lifted Quick Lift, the under
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  10 minute episode where we turn big insights
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  into small, repeatable moves you can actually
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  use this week. I'm your host, Betsy Hamm. Today,
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  I'm recapping my conversation with Sarita Mabin,
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  communications expert and author. We talked about
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  how to say what you mean, mean what you say,
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  but it doesn't have to be mean. I'm going to
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  recap the key takeaways and give you specific
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  action items so you can try this in real life,
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  whether that's with your boss, your team, your
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  partner, or even your kids who've perfected the
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  infamous whatever response. Let's get into it.
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  Key takeaway number one, use air so you're clear
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  and not cruel. Sarita shared her air framework
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  for tough conversations and it's so easy. A is
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  awareness. Start by assuming they don't know
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  there's a problem. I'm not sure if you're aware,
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  but here's what I've been noticing. So often
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  we get upset with somebody and we don't even
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  address to know if they know it's an issue too.
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  I, impact. Explain what happened because of it.
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  When this happens, here's the impact on the team,
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  the timeline, the customer. And R, request. Ask
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  for something different and be specific. So an
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  example of using air. Going forward, I like to
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  request that you be here on time, loop me in
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  earlier, send the report by. Instead of stewing
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  in resentment, or as Sarita put it, it's like
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  taking the poison and waiting for the other person
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  to die. You give the other person a clear runway.
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  With air, you have, here's the issue. Here's
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  why it matters. And here's what to do. So action
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  item this week is just write one air script.
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  Think of one person you're low key annoyed with
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  right now. I know you probably don't have to
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  think that long. But then write your script awareness.
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  I'm not sure if you realize but I've noticed
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  Impact the impact is and request what I'd really
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  appreciate going forward is you don't even have
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  to say it It's just practicing it So when the
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  conversation does come up you feel more comfortable
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  being able to address it Getting out of your
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  head and into a script just will make it feel
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  a lot less scary Next key takeaway your words
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  can be firm without being finger waggy Serita
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  talked about how quickly we can slip into blame
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  mode when we say things like you never you always
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  you need to that's verbal finger wag and Spoiler,
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  nobody even hears the message. It just feels
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  like an attack So she suggests two big shifts
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  swap you which is blaming for I or we which sounds
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  like ownership So instead of you need to be here
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  on time Try, I need you to be here on time so
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  we can start the meeting without backtracking.
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  Or, we need everyone here by nine so we can stay
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  on schedule. Same boundary, still being addressed,
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  but it's less battle. So action item here, think
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  of one situation and again practice. This is
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  going to take a shift or an adjustment to the
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  way that you're thinking about approaching your
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  communication and it's going to take some practice.
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  Next key takeaway, drop the qualifiers that shrank
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  your authority. Okay, this is one that women
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  definitely struggle with more and qualifier is
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  when you're sitting in a meeting and you have
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  a great idea and you start your sentence with
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  this might not be important or this is probably
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  dumb idea or I'm new here I don't mean to offend
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  you whatever it is you're putting a qualifier
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  on whatever you're going to share next and you
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  may think you're being polite or it's an easier
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  way to break into conversation but it's actually
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  undercutting your authority before you even make
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  your point and when you don't sound confident
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  and you're really unsure what you're saying Why
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  is your audience going to believe you? You don't
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  sound like you believe yourself. So think about
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  how you're presenting your ideas or even asking
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  questions in a meeting, whether it's just a team
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  meeting, a staff meeting, or even a one -on -one
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  with your boss. You want to make sure that you're
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  speaking with confidence and you start your idea
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  clean. I think we should move forward with this
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  direction. That's it. No qualifiers, no beginning,
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  no buts, no being uncomfortable in your seat.
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  Just own your thoughts and your ideas and your
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  points. Action item here is, if this is something
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  that you know you struggle with, think about
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  what you can say instead when you typically say
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  it. If there's one that you seem to use as a
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  crutch more than others, be aware of that and
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  figure out what you're going to replace it with.
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  And then the second part of this is get an accountability
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  partner. Again, this is a great thing that if
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  you're in a meeting with a lot of the same people
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  or somebody you have a good relationship with,
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  Say to them, hey, if you hear me using these
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  qualifiers, will you let me know after the meeting?
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  Not during the meeting. Don't want to be so confused
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  or concerned about it at the time, but just someone
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  to help hold you accountable and make you aware.
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  Being aware really is the big step and then what
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  you're going to replace that with. Next key takeaway,
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  Sarita talked about using the twins. I noticed
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  and I'm wondering, I love this. This is literally
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  gold for calling out behavior when you want to
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  come in hot. So often we can get very defensive,
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  we can attack people, we can come in aggressive
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  or hot and which really isn't going to be a productive
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  conversation if that's our approach. But instead,
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  if we say we're noticing and wondering, it's
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  just a little bit more unarming. I noticed the
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  deadline passed and we didn't get the report
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  and I'm wondering what happened. or I noticed
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  you sighed when we mentioned this project and
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  I'm wondering what your concerns are. You're
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  not accusing, you're inviting, and you're still
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  going to get what you're looking for, but it's
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  just in a much less accusatory way. So action
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  item here, again, just upgrade one line. Think
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  about a situation where this would be helpful
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  and write out the script or practice in your
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  car. Some people do better when you write things
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  down and think about it. That's great. Or sometimes
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  just having the conversation out loud in the
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  car, in the shower, wherever, by yourself. Sure,
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  you're talking to yourself a little bit, but
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  it gives you that practice to, again, start to
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  feel more comfortable and start to change your
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  thought or your perspective of how to approach
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  communication. Next key takeaway. Stay curious,
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  especially when feedback stings. Now, this one
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  really should hit home for leaders because her
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  example was when one of the people on her team
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  gave her negative feedback about her management
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  style. And when someone does give you negative
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  feedback, especially about you or maybe something
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  you're doing, it's really easy for us wanting
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  to explain why we did something or defend. Of
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  course, I'm notorious for getting defensive,
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  so we're not listening and we're not really taking
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  that feedback. And Sarita said that have a different
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  approach, have a different role. When you get
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  negative feedback, ask for more. And this really
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  ties into what Lindsay spoke about a few episodes
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  ago. We're asking your team, how can you be a
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  better manager? And they're going to probably
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  give you feedback that maybe you don't love.
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  So ask for more of it. Say, how do you mean?
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  Can you give me an example? Can you tell me more
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  about that? Now, I will say there's a caveat
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  here saying, how do you mean? Or can you give
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  me an example? I can say that like, well, how
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  do you mean? I can sound curious. Or could you
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  give me an example? Still I'm sounding curious,
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  but I could sound very. How do you mean with
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  my arms crossed and rolling my eyes and moving
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  my head and just being physically upset about
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  it? So you can't come across defensive in your
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  tone or your body language. So this is all part
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  of it. This is one to be careful with, but stay
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  calm, stay relaxed, make sure your tone and body
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  language are a point and then say, Can you give
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  me some examples? It just sounds curious, but
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  you have to stay genuine. That is the big warning
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  sign on this one. Action item, welcome the feedback.
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  If you've been avoiding a situation or conversation
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  like the, how can I be a better manager? What's
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  an area of opportunity for next quarter? Ask,
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  do it. And if you're in control of starting the
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  conversation, it's a lot easier to be. emotionally
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  prepared. Sometimes if somebody just comes in
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  hot and gives you feedback that's negative and
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  you're not prepared for, they can really catch
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  you off guard. But if you take ownership of that
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  conversation, then you can go in with the right
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  mindset of being open, being calm, being curious.
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  From Sarita, we learned a lot. We learned about
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  air, the awareness impact request, so you're
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  clear, not cruel, protecting the relationship
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  and your authority with the I and we language,
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  which also included stronger statements and phrases
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  like I noticed and I'm wondering. And lastly,
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  to stay curious, even if it stings, ask for more,
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  don't defend and let email be set for follow
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  up and not your battlefield. You don't have to
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  choose between saying nothing and being mean.
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  There's so much room in the middle and that's
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  where real leadership lives. If this quick lift
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  was helpful, share it with a friend or a teammate
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  who's joining a tough conversation. And if you
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  haven't listened to the full episode of Sarita's,
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  please do so. As always, until next time, stay
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  loud, stay lifted and say what you mean in a
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  nice way.