Latest / The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids / Understanding Peer Influence and Unconditional Love Dynamics with Marcus Aurelius Higgs

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Understanding Peer Influence and Unconditional Love Dynamics with Marcus Aurelius Higgs · The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

• 0:00
  Marcus: If you can see how somebody is adding value to your life and you make note of that authentically, not giving them, not fluffing them up, but actually saying, yeah, this is what I appreciate about you.
• 0:12
  Carrie: Yeah.
• 0:12
  Marcus: You're going to learn to appreciate themselves.
• 0:14
  Marcus: The voice with which you speak to children is a voice they eventually learn to speak to themselves.
• 0:17
  Marcus: That means they're going to know their inherent worth and if they know their worth that they bring into a room.
• 0:24
  Marcus: Their environment created that inner context.
• 0:26
  Marcus: So that's another thing I would do and that's what I did do in class.
• 0:30
  Carrie: That's wonderful.
• 0:31
  Carrie: Thank you so much, marcus.
• 0:32
  Carrie: I have to reiterate the voice you speak to your children is the voice they're going to hear themselves, because that's a huge piece, right.
• 0:41
  Carrie: How many of us are living with the voice that we hear in our heads, the voice we tell, or what we tell ourselves which we would never tell to other people?
• 0:50
  Carrie: We would never, maybe, talk to other people the way we may hear it in our own head toward ourselves.
• 0:55
  Carrie: Hi, conscious Parents, it's Keri here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids.
• 1:00
  Carrie: I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that along the way.
• 1:08
  Carrie: Join us.
• 1:09
  Carrie: Hi there, conscious parents, before we start today's episode, it's Keri here and I wanted to reach out to ask you guys for a quick favor.
• 1:16
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• 1:23
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• 1:31
  Carrie: So thanks so much for tuning in and I'm so excited for you to hear today's message.
• 1:36
  Carrie: Happy listening.
• 1:38
  Carrie: Hi there and welcome back to Heart Parents.
• 1:39
  Carrie: I'm Keri.
• 1:40
  Carrie: I'm your friendly, mindful and conscious mama here and I have a wonderful guest and conscious mama here and I have a wonderful guest today.
• 1:46
  Carrie: I have Marcus here and I'm so excited to chat with you, marcus.
• 1:49
  Carrie: I have not dived into the adolescent area and I have a lot of listeners that have adolescents, so I'm really excited to have you here today.
• 1:58
  Carrie: Thanks so much, marcus.
• 2:00
  Marcus: Keri, it's wonderful to be here as well.
• 2:02
  Marcus: You have a pre-adolescent coming up on that age.
• 2:13
  Carrie: Yeah, I do.
• 2:13
  Carrie: Yes, I have a nine year old son and he definitely has it in him where he will be swayed into his friendships more than his mom and dad already.
• 2:18
  Carrie: So my husband and I are very confused by this whole piece.
• 2:21
  Carrie: We saw it even when he was like six years old.
• 2:24
  Carrie: He would agree or want to believe things his friends say more than his mom and dad.
• 2:29
  Marcus: Yeah, and out of curiosity, I'm going to pull this thread.
• 2:34
  Marcus: What is the confusion there?
• 2:36
  Carrie: So I think oftentimes he he values what friends say more than mom and dad and he wants to.
• 2:46
  Carrie: I think it's a it's probably there's probably a root in there of wanting to be perfect in the eyes of friends and knowing that mom and dad will always love him valuing their gaze more than mom and dad.
• 2:58
  Marcus: Okay, we can dive into that deeper, but yeah, I can assure you this, not a sure, because everything is everything.
• 3:05
  Marcus: But there's going to be an individuation where he's going to turn away from mom and dad's wording guidance more, because he's going to become his own self and he's going to actually explore more.
• 3:17
  Marcus: And skepticism actually starts to rise during the adolescence age because they're going to understand their other perspectives and other views.
• 3:24
  Marcus: Now the work I do and I before I even introduce myself this is not advice, but I'm just giving context but the work I do is helping parents establish that trust at an early age so that when they're going through their exploration and so on, they know there's a sound base to come back to.
• 3:44
  Marcus: It's going to happen more, just to prepare you more for the more confusion that's going to come.
• 3:49
  Carrie: Wow, and we always say there's some learning for mom and dad too along the way.
• 3:53
  Carrie: It opens up these pieces right, and it opens up this piece of mom.
• 3:56
  Carrie: Hey, mom, you are not in control, right.
• 4:02
  Marcus: If you follow the conscious parent movement.
• 4:04
  Marcus: The idea is that kids are given to us that we might understand ourselves, and I believe that's the law of the universe.
• 4:10
  Marcus: It's never the thing, it's our relationship to it, so it's just okay.
• 4:13
  Marcus: What is rising up in me, yeah yeah, and I love you.
• 4:17
  Carrie: You mentioned previously, when you and I were talking, this belief in how these belief systems can really help us to find better versions of ourselves and connect with ourselves.
• 4:28
  Carrie: Would you share some of those pieces with us?
• 4:33
  Marcus: Sure, I don't know exactly what you're talking about.
• 4:35
  Marcus: No, no, we did have a conversation before, but I don't know exactly which piece.
• 4:39
  Marcus: But yeah, let's just dive into it, let's dive into it.
• 4:43
  Marcus: Our beliefs come from us finding evidence and examples for things we guess we're curious about.
• 4:50
  Marcus: And then we see things and it's just, oh yeah, that's true.
• 4:52
  Marcus: And then we form a belief right.
• 4:53
  Marcus: Another way we could say that very simply for a kid, because I used to be a high school teacher as well grade 12 and grade nine, and then I taught grade 5.
• 5:04
  Marcus: And this is all part of my origin story.
• 5:07
  Marcus: What grades did you teach?
• 5:08
  Marcus: I remember you mentioned you were a teacher.
• 5:10
  Carrie: First and second grade, so I had the little ones.
• 5:13
  Marcus: Yeah, the cute ones.
• 5:14
  Marcus: Yeah, To say it simply, we are the stories we tell ourselves, because that's the first language anybody learns in all cultures, all religions, all creeds and nationalities, and that's how we form our beliefs.
• 5:26
  Marcus: And really, simply, a story is change happens and we give it meaning.
• 5:32
  Marcus: Now, if we can jump in and share in that meaning of what that child is forming, or what that person is forming actually, because change is happening.
• 5:42
  Marcus: You notice your son pulling away, or sometimes he's moving towards his friends, ideas or whatever, and I just gave you a new meaning or understanding of it.
• 5:51
  Marcus: You now have a new story.
• 5:54
  Marcus: I'm breaking it down that simple because when we break it down for our kids, I think there's a simple approach to parenting and I say this as someone who's worked with kids, not as a parent, and I respect the wisdom of all parents.
• 6:06
  Marcus: I never give advice to people.
• 6:08
  Marcus: I respect the wisdom that they're going to bring.
• 6:10
  Marcus: Yeah, um, but I've worked with kids for a long time and we I'm going down a rabbit hole now.
• 6:19
  Marcus: But back to your point forming beliefs.
• 6:21
  Marcus: It's helping to step into the kid's mind while they're going through change.
• 6:26
  Marcus: It creates stress and just having them understand what it means and then respecting their understanding and letting them come forth in it.
• 6:35
  Marcus: And that's the balance of hey, I want to control you because now you're going to shift into not only a managerial role but a guide on the side role.
• 6:43
  Marcus: You're going to be a coach and you're going to have to let your son grow up.
• 6:47
  Marcus: So I said a lot.
• 6:51
  Carrie: That is having so much faith in my son, right.
• 6:55
  Carrie: That's that transition of being the leader, the caregiver, the nurturer and taking this transition role into being the coach that you said Good thing.
• 7:08
  Carrie: I've been working on doing some coaching, right.
• 7:10
  Carrie: You have to mindset, that into my kids.
• 7:14
  Carrie: But yeah, I love that and for in our family.
• 7:17
  Carrie: I feel like this foundation with this, these mindful tools that we've been working on with my kids and they've been learning at a community center they go to and they're in a social and emotional focused school with project based learning.
• 7:31
  Carrie: And yeah, it's, oh my gosh.
• 7:34
  Carrie: They just went on a camp out last week and it was amazing because the third and fourth grade teacher he had said don't carry his stuff in for him, I want him to carry it all from the car.
• 7:45
  Carrie: He is in charge, he is leading the show and my school is.
• 7:49
  Carrie: I guess they're helping me to become that coach role, they're helping me to get there.
• 7:55
  Marcus: Are they a micro school?
• 7:57
  Marcus: I'm just wondering Are you familiar with that micro school?
• 8:00
  Carrie: I don't think they're a micro school.
• 8:02
  Carrie: They're a charter here in Colorado where we're based.
• 8:04
  Carrie: But yeah, it's, we just changed over to it because we needed something different in our lives.
• 8:09
  Carrie: But yeah, all of these foundations have been really beneficial to my kids and you and I had speaks briefly about the spiritual piece that's been wonderful.
• 8:18
  Carrie: Can you tell me?
• 8:20
  Marcus: more.
• 8:20
  Marcus: Yeah, I'll tell you more about that, just to touch on the social, emotional aspect of it, which actually ties beautifully or dovetails right into this, the spiritual aspect that I think is missing from the conversation, especially in America.
• 8:33
  Marcus: Yeah, so I feel hmm, where do we start with this?
• 8:41
  Marcus: That this comes from Lisa Miller, who wrote the Spiritual Child.
• 8:46
  Marcus: She wrote the Spiritual Brain and then she wrote another piece of spiritual child talking about.
• 8:52
  Marcus: I'll give a brief overview of it.
• 8:54
  Marcus: It's our birthright, everybody, I believe, around the world and humans.
• 8:59
  Marcus: We are spiritual beings, and what does that even mean?
• 9:02
  Marcus: There's a part of our brain that lights up when we experience the transcendent.
• 9:08
  Marcus: Now, so many ways to pull this In positive psychology.
• 9:13
  Marcus: There's virtues in action.
• 9:15
  Marcus: Have you heard of these?
• 9:17
  Carrie: I don't know if I've heard of these ones for positive psychology.
• 9:20
  Marcus: Yeah, virtues in action are found again in every culture, every faith-based belief or every ancient and modern, and what they are characteristics of humans whereby we work towards the well-being of others or the well-being of ourselves, and one of those characteristics is spirituality, or understanding something greater than ourselves.
• 9:43
  Marcus: This is one aspect of living a meaningful life and that's one definition of awesomeness noticing something great and knowing that you're part of the math, right.
• 9:53
  Carrie: Yeah.
• 9:54
  Marcus: Now you don't have to believe in an organized greater power to do this right.
• 10:02
  Marcus: Oftentimes that's seen as connection with nature.
• 10:05
  Marcus: Another way to see that is connection with organized groups such as a family or your CrossFit gym or your yeah, or your community.
• 10:14
  Marcus: And the reason I'm saying this like this is because people who identify as agnostic and atheist they can also.
• 10:20
  Marcus: They can jump on.
• 10:21
  Marcus: And the reason it's healthy is because when you notice you're connected to something greater and you're contributing to it, you feel there's a sense of support, and I believe life supports those who support life, and I think that is been uprooted from the american conversation which is leading to all this mental health illness and isolation, and we're not tuning our emotions to each other.
• 10:45
  Marcus: So that's the beginning of the conversation.
• 10:50
  Marcus: Right, it's our birthright to understand our connection to something greater, and religion is the outward organization of that, with rituals having rhythm in it and I use this tongue not tongue in cheek, but I use it a very scientific, arbitrary rights that we give meaning to, because from the outside, looking in, a lot of these rituals make no sense.
• 11:12
  Marcus: However, from the inside, looking out, it says, oh, this is meaningful to me and I get it.
• 11:16
  Marcus: I understand as a former missionary.
• 11:18
  Marcus: I was a missionary myself and my worldview changed and I say my understanding of the divine expanded.
• 11:23
  Marcus: So there's no animosity towards the church.
• 11:26
  Marcus: I get why they do what they do.
• 11:27
  Marcus: Yet there, eventually, is a truth that is between you and your creator.
• 11:31
  Marcus: I believe and I respect all of that You're a sovereign being working with your creator to create the world you want to live in Anyhow, if we can teach that to our kids not teach that, but explore with our kids during that time.
• 11:44
  Marcus: There's a natural curiosity, spiritual curiosity, in a child at the age where they start asking questions and they start hey, what is this?
• 11:56
  Marcus: Oftentimes, as parents, caregivers and teachers in their lives, we dampen those conversations and we're denying them a piece of them that's authentically them that needs to develop, and the reason it needs to develop is because that's going to help them deal with struggles later on in the future.
• 12:14
  Carrie: Yes, yeah, we say it's going to help them deal with struggles later on in the future.
• 12:16
  Carrie: Yes, yeah, yeah, I, we say it's going to have developed in them.
• 12:18
  Carrie: My six-year-old asked complicated questions.
• 12:20
  Carrie: She asks us all the time why do things do things?
• 12:23
  Carrie: Where did we come from?
• 12:25
  Carrie: What is the earth?
• 12:27
  Carrie: And just so many questions.
• 12:28
  Carrie: It's, we're seekers.
• 12:30
  Carrie: Many of us, especially a lot of these kids that are born nowadays, are seekers early on, very early on.
• 12:36
  Carrie: So are you're saying as they get into this pre adolescent and adolescent ages, are they were laying down this foundation.
• 12:46
  Carrie: Now Explore and bring in these ideas now, so that way we can be in the coach version when they're turning away from us and they're starting to explore things on their own.
• 12:59
  Carrie: Hi there, changemaker moms and dads.
• 13:01
  Carrie: It's Keri here.
• 13:02
  Carrie: I hope you're enjoying today's episode.
• 13:04
  Carrie: If there's any pieces of this episode that resonate with you, we would love for you to share it with a friend.
• 13:10
  Carrie: A little helping hand goes a long way.
• 13:12
  Carrie: We appreciate you tuning in, and here's more.
• 13:16
  Marcus: Let's see what I am saying.
• 13:18
  Marcus: I'm saying it's naturally happening and we don't want to dampen what's naturally occurring in the kid.
• 13:24
  Marcus: We're actually cultivating curiosity, because what they're trying to do is they're trying to understand this outside world.
• 13:30
  Marcus: And again, coming back to the phrase, you are the universe experiencing itself.
• 13:34
  Marcus: As they're understanding the outside world, they're understanding themselves too, as they're introspective and they're out-spective.
• 13:42
  Marcus: It's worth bringing into the conversation, though, jonathan Haidt's book, the Youngstish Generation.
• 13:49
  Marcus: With screens coming around 2020, that's when we noticed this uptick in mental health disorders and so on.
• 13:57
  Marcus: Yeah, and again, this is just my interpretation of all the studies and so on.
• 14:03
  Marcus: If we say we are the stories we tell ourselves and we have all these screens around us, people are forming their identities on the opposite sides of screens.
• 14:16
  Marcus: Right, and I'm not anti-technology, I love technology.
• 14:20
  Marcus: That's how we're connecting now and how I got to read all these books, right?
• 14:23
  Marcus: Yeah, but if we don't cultivate their identity, that's where it starts of understanding who you are.
• 14:30
  Marcus: Know thyself and you'll understand the secrets of gods and men.
• 14:32
  Marcus: That's what it says on the Delphi.
• 14:33
  Marcus: In fact, of understanding who you are, know thyself and you'll understand the secrets of gods and men.
• 14:34
  Marcus: That's what it says on the Delphi and back in ancient, from ancient times.
• 14:36
  Marcus: This is known.
• 14:37
  Marcus: If you know yourself, you'll be able to deal with the stressors.
• 14:40
  Marcus: But if on the screen and it's going by this story, that story, so much to process this point of view, that point of view, okay, I'm listening to this influencer, I'm pulled this way.
• 14:51
  Marcus: I'm pulled this way.
• 14:52
  Marcus: When that screen closes, who am I?
• 14:55
  Marcus: Wow, sorry.
• 14:58
  Carrie: I didn't, I didn't mean to do that.
• 15:01
  Marcus: For those listening.
• 15:02
  Marcus: Fireworks went off because of Macintosh.
• 15:05
  Carrie: Who are you?
• 15:06
  Carrie: Someone very powerful, marcus, I loved it full mark.
• 15:19
  Marcus: I loved it okay, but but that that's the question of life and we're asked that at every age and you were asked that when your first child came out who am I?
• 15:23
  Marcus: Your roles changed.
• 15:23
  Marcus: You were asked that on your second time and you're going to be asked that when they leave and it's an empty nest who am I?
• 15:27
  Marcus: If they can answer this question at an early age, during that first identity breaking that's what I call it it's going to set them up to be able to answer it later on.
• 15:39
  Carrie: I love that.
• 15:40
  Carrie: I love answering that at an early age.
• 15:43
  Carrie: What is the age of that ideally?
• 15:47
  Marcus: So, like I said, there's a window of development, because I said I used to work with preteens, but it's more adolescence, right?
• 15:52
  Marcus: So, ideally, what is it?
• 15:53
  Marcus: I'll tell you this, with my nephew he was sitting here talking about he was 12, then 12 or 11, then he's 14.
• 16:04
  Marcus: Now he was talking about the Middle East crisis and then he started talking about mushrooms right, and the sense of not psilocybin in that sense.
• 16:15
  Marcus: But he was just fascinated with mushrooms because of all they do and they are also.
• 16:20
  Marcus: They're not a plant, they're not an animal, they're their own kingdom.
• 16:23
  Marcus: Oh man, some can kill you, some can heal you, and they're just like.
• 16:28
  Marcus: I love mushrooms too, anyhow.
• 16:29
  Marcus: And I asked him where'd you get all this?
• 16:32
  Marcus: And he said oh, from tiktok.
• 16:36
  Marcus: Now, mind you, he's also going to get to class too.
• 16:37
  Marcus: So he's a smart, he's a, he's a brainiac, he loves information.
• 16:40
  Marcus: He said what is that age?
• 16:43
  Marcus: Our kids have access to more information earlier.
• 16:45
  Marcus: Depending on how much screen time you give them, they're going to ask more questions.
• 16:51
  Marcus: That's why skepticism rise, rises during this time.
• 16:53
  Marcus: I can't give you a definitive age, because some parents don't give their kids phones until they're 16.
• 16:58
  Marcus: Some monitor their stuff.
• 17:00
  Marcus: Yeah, up until when?
• 17:01
  Marcus: So there's eventually going to come an age during adolescence when they're going to look at you and say everything you're telling me is not true or there's more truth out there, and and I'm saying it in my language They've yet to even understand what nuance is.
• 17:16
  Marcus: That doesn't come until about 18 or so on.
• 17:17
  Marcus: And there's still some adults you and I know who is just, they're hard bent on their truth and they don't understand how to see the other side or critically think.
• 17:25
  Marcus: When does that come?
• 17:26
  Marcus: It starts during adolescence.
• 17:30
  Carrie: It's interesting I like what you're saying where they're knowing this truth inside of them.
• 17:37
  Carrie: Because my kids I say a lot that kids are born with these conscious pieces.
• 17:42
  Carrie: They're born open to ideas, open to finding their own passions, open to discovering themselves, and it's part of society's box and expectations and the media and screens that start to put these layers of protection on our kids so that it's harder to hear those versions of themselves, their true self, as they're growing up.
• 18:07
  Carrie: I love what you're saying about this, identifying it and having it inside, and then also, you know, you add on the screen piece, which is hard.
• 18:18
  Carrie: My husband works in tech and we're like an anti-tech family, so I understand what you're saying, but we use it as tools.
• 18:26
  Carrie: Right, we use it as a tool.
• 18:27
  Carrie: We're teaching our kid to type as a tool so that way he can do some of his programming of Legos that he is ready for Awesome.
• 18:35
  Carrie: So yeah it's a mindset of what we use screens for.
• 18:40
  Marcus: Yeah, every generation has its challenges, right?
• 18:43
  Marcus: When the printing press came out, they said Gutenberg.
• 18:46
  Marcus: It was of the devil.
• 18:47
  Marcus: Reason being because kids are going to have more leisure time.
• 18:51
  Marcus: They're going to be stuck in books just reading.
• 18:53
  Marcus: Yeah, Right.
• 18:56
  Marcus: So the question is it the technology or is it how we use it, and especially with the coming in of AI, right, the answer this is my answer has always been does the technology push us back into relationships?
• 19:13
  Marcus: Because that's what makes us human?
• 19:14
  Marcus: With when I read a story and I say, okay, why did Hamlet do that?
• 19:22
  Marcus: Okay, let's have a conversation of what it means to be or not to be, or existential stuff, or let's have a conversation of what it means to be human.
• 19:25
  Marcus: Nothing's wrong with having a play, nothing's wrong with necessarily entertainment, but when it becomes your end, all and be all, that's a problem.
• 19:32
  Marcus: But if it can help me understand who I am, yeah, that's a solution.
• 19:38
  Carrie: Yeah, I love it.
• 19:39
  Carrie: There was a piece you were going to say, possibly about the social emotional focus of our school.
• 19:44
  Carrie: I wasn't sure if you touched on that.
• 19:50
  Marcus: Okay, I'll just more schools are leaning into it and I think more schools need it.
• 19:55
  Marcus: Yeah, yeah, there's this non or, let me say, open source effort coming out of sweden called the inner development goals.
• 20:03
  Marcus: So the un came up with the sustainable development goals.
• 20:07
  Marcus: Which is sustaining our globe, right?
• 20:10
  Marcus: I really do think it's as simple as we are the universe experiencing itself.
• 20:15
  Marcus: There's our inner state and our outer state, and it's called the inner development goals because, as you understand yourself in a very moving way, carrie, this is my belief.
• 20:26
  Marcus: I believe you are me experiencing life from a different perspective.
• 20:29
  Marcus: I believe I am you experiencing life from a different perspective.
• 20:33
  Marcus: We are very different now.
• 20:34
  Marcus: So I acknowledge that differentiation and there are aspects where we are very much the same, and if I was born into your context, space and time, I would have made all the same decisions.
• 20:47
  Marcus: That's why I can look at it with no judgment, but I will ask you about it so that I can understand what life is about.
• 20:52
  Marcus: Now you have to live your journey and you have to do that with your two kids, right?
• 21:00
  Marcus: And I really do wish and hope your two kids to be wholesome people when they grow up in this community, because they're a part of my community.
• 21:08
  Marcus: They're eventually going to affect the way I live, how we're there.
• 21:12
  Marcus: I don't know how, but I want you to be well.
• 21:14
  Marcus: Basically, and if we all operate from that point of view, I think we can change the narrative around the world.
• 21:20
  Marcus: Like you may say, I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
• 21:25
  Carrie: Yeah, I love that we're so interconnected.
• 21:28
  Carrie: I think that's a powerful mindset.
• 21:30
  Carrie: And if you were raising kids my, my kids ages, what would you say?
• 21:35
  Carrie: Or if you could tell anybody with kids my age six and nine, what would you say?
• 21:43
  Marcus: In what regards that's?
• 21:43
  Carrie: a broad question.
• 21:46
  Marcus: That's true.
• 21:47
  Carrie: In your area.
• 21:48
  Carrie: As far as raising our kids, we talked about helping them to find themselves when they're younger.
• 21:54
  Marcus: Yeah, okay, no, I'll go back to when I was in fifth grade.
• 21:59
  Marcus: Um, okay, no, I'll go back to when I was in fifth grade.
• 22:02
  Marcus: Not when I was in fifth grade, but when I was a fifth, when I was teaching fifth grade.
• 22:03
  Marcus: When I was teaching fifth grade, one try to be a moral exemplar, living as best as I can, and then, when I fall short of my expectations for me, own up to it.
• 22:16
  Marcus: And when I say own up to it, say this is not who I want to be, try to make not try to make it right and then live differently, going forward and being open with that to them.
• 22:26
  Marcus: So they know that, hey, you can fall on your face.
• 22:28
  Marcus: At this age they have to be more independent.
• 22:31
  Marcus: So we have this thing of hey sounds like a you problem, and I heard them starting to say to each other rudely and I was like whoa, hold on, let's put the brakes on this.
• 22:38
  Marcus: What it means is a you problem, is you're responsible for solving it.
• 22:42
  Marcus: Now, I can support you and I will help you if you ask for it, but I'm saying it's a you problem because I believe you can support it.
• 22:48
  Marcus: So who owns the problem?
• 22:50
  Marcus: Basically, I would, and you know what I say I would.
• 22:53
  Marcus: This is what I did in my classroom because I want to speak from experience.
• 22:57
  Marcus: The reason I came out of the classroom is that's a whole different story, but I love people and I don't love your kids as much as you.
• 23:05
  Marcus: I figured I could leverage this and spread more messages by being a coach, create an atmosphere, or create an environment of respect and appreciation, and I'll tell you exactly where that comes from.
• 23:19
  Marcus: John Gottman has the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
• 23:25
  Marcus: So you know, a relationship is going to break up.
• 23:26
  Marcus: If you see these four things, if you see you can help me out but it's criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness.
• 23:33
  Marcus: Now contempt is the worst one, because contempt says there's no respect, and I know more than you and that sounds like a teenager and what no respect means.
• 23:45
  Marcus: I'm not looking at you because you don't know my situations and you're always trying to give me advice.
• 23:49
  Marcus: And what contempt really does is it wedges.
• 23:52
  Marcus: You need two people for a relationship to work, but if one person is, I refuse to be a part of this.
• 23:56
  Marcus: It's not going to work.
• 23:58
  Marcus: The way you counter contempt is creating an atmosphere of respect and appreciation.
• 24:05
  Marcus: Now what does that mean?
• 24:06
  Marcus: In the framework that I have, the show framework as it starts with identity, be fully.
• 24:11
  Marcus: You, like Dolly Parton says, figure out who you are and do that on purpose.
• 24:14
  Marcus: There are going to be bumps and bruises as we grow, but in respect and appreciation, it's when you're living into your character, moving towards your goals.
• 24:26
  Marcus: I'm going to celebrate you.
• 24:27
  Marcus: I'm looking.
• 24:27
  Marcus: Respect means.
• 24:28
  Marcus: Respect means to see re-mean again.
• 24:28
  Marcus: I'm going to look at you again.
• 24:30
  Marcus: I'm going to see you again.
• 24:31
  Marcus: In a religious context, people say the Bible.
• 24:34
  Marcus: When King John's translated, he said fear God and give him glory.
• 24:38
  Marcus: But respect was translated there.
• 24:40
  Marcus: Do you want them to fear you?
• 24:41
  Marcus: Do you want them to respect you out of fear.
• 24:43
  Marcus: No, you want them to respect you out of love.
• 24:46
  Marcus: It's just.
• 24:46
  Marcus: That's so awesome.
• 24:47
  Marcus: I respect my mom.
• 24:48
  Marcus: Yeah, that's a whole other side thing.
• 24:50
  Marcus: And appreciation is apprisio giving price.
• 24:55
  Marcus: I taught English english.
• 24:55
  Marcus: This is why I love it.
• 24:56
  Marcus: It's great.
• 24:57
  Marcus: The latin root, yeah, yeah.
• 25:01
  Marcus: So at presio means to give value to or when things that are appreciated.
• 25:06
  Marcus: They appreciate if you can see how somebody is adding value to your life and you make note of that authentically.
• 25:14
  Marcus: Not giving them, not fluffing them up, but actually saying, yeah, this is what I appreciate about you yeah you're going to learn to appreciate themselves.
• 25:23
  Marcus: The voice with which you speak to children is a voice they eventually learn to speak with themselves.
• 25:26
  Marcus: That means they're going to know their inherent worth and if they know their work that they bring into a room, their environment created that inner context.
• 25:35
  Marcus: So that's another thing I would, and that's what I did do in class.
• 25:39
  Carrie: That's wonderful.
• 25:40
  Carrie: Thank you so much, marcus.
• 25:41
  Carrie: I have to reiterate the voice you speak to your children is the voice they're going to hear themselves, because that's a huge piece, right.
• 25:50
  Carrie: How many of us are living with the voice that we hear in our heads, the voice we tell, or what we tell ourselves which we would never tell to other people?
• 25:58
  Carrie: We would never, maybe, talk to other people the way we may hear it in our own head toward ourselves?
• 26:04
  Marcus: I love that.
• 26:05
  Carrie: Yes.
• 26:05
  Carrie: Yeah, you have given us so many things to think about and I love it so much.
• 26:11
  Carrie: Thank you so much for being here with me today, or with our guests, with our listeners.
• 26:20
  Marcus: It was wonderful, we made the moment and, yeah, thank you for sharing your platform.
• 26:24
  Marcus: Yes, thank you, it was wonderful.
• 26:26
  Carrie: Well, that's a wrap.
• 26:27
  Carrie: Thanks so much for tuning in.
• 26:29
  Carrie: Changemakers.
• 26:30
  Carrie: This is Keri, and if you haven't done a review for us five stars and a little few words about what you've enjoyed in our podcast episodes we would really appreciate it.
• 26:40
  Carrie: If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback at info at hearttoheartlifecom.
• 26:49
  Carrie: We also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share.
• 26:52
  Carrie: It's hearttoheartlifecom.
• 26:55
  Carrie: Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life, happy times.
• 26:59
  Carrie: Changemaker families.