Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 103. What Mother's Day actually looks like when you're navigating post-separation abuse - and what to do with it

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103. What Mother's Day actually looks like when you're navigating post-separation abuse - and what to do with it · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_02: Let's start this episode intentionally with a moment to help your nervous system settle before we dive deeper into the content.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: I invite you to take a slow deep breath in to hold it and then to let it go slowly.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: To bring your shoulders up to your ears, to hold them there, and then to let them drop.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: To feel the release.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: I invite you to unclench your jaw.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: Open your hands and flex your fingers if safe to do so.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: To notice your body loosen.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: Even just slightly.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: Right now, in this moment, you are physically safe.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: And your nervous system can afford to relax.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: When it does, you'll be able to participate in this conversation more deeply.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: And that's the point of this grounding work, this intentional grounding exercise before we jump into the content.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: I invite you also to tune into your body.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: To how your body feels when you take that time, even just 30 seconds, to release some tension and to acknowledge that right now in this moment you are physically safe.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: There is a difference between physical safety and felt safety.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: You can often be physically safe even if you're not always feeling safe.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: And it is important that we understand the difference.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: It is important that we're able to acknowledge when we are physically safe.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: To acknowledge that and to give our body our brain, our nervous system a moment to perhaps recalibrate to that physical safety in the moment.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: And in the few minutes that we've been doing this work and having this conversation you've been growing your capacity.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I invite you to do these grounding exercises with me when you're listening, when you're tuning in to each episode to allow that to become a part of your weekly check-in with me here on the Post Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: You can also deepen this work and do similar exercises yourself on a daily basis that will help you to grow your capacity over time.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: When you're utilizing these tools in moments of calm, it means that they are a lot easier to access in moments of stress.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: AI Danielle also exists not just as a coaching and a thinking partner, but also as a partner for your daily capacity building work.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: If you haven't yet connected with AI Daniel for that purpose, you might like to explore that.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: She's available to the public via the website Danielle Blackcoaching.com.au.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: She's available to coaching clients who are working with us via a coaching package.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: The easiest way to access her is via your online membership in our community by going to the home drop-down menu.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: And for blueprint members, you also have unlimited messaging access to AI Danielle.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_02: You'll find in-depth information about her in lesson four of module 22.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: However, you don't need to remember those instructions because on the first page that you'll get to in the blueprint, there's instructions there for you.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: Importantly, capacity building work is not about just being karma during mediation or when communicating with your co-parent or when chatting with your lawyer or when preparing for a final trial.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: It's about how you show up every day.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's about how you parent in every moment.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: Even beyond what you're currently navigating.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: It's about becoming the version of you who more often than not is able to calmly respond as opposed to emotionally react.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: I've grown my inner capacity, my tolerance for emotional discomfort significantly over my almost eighteen year post-separation journey.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: And what I will say is that over that time my identity has shifted and I have become a version of myself that I like.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: I like the version of me that is capable of calm response in most situations as opposed to emotional reactivity.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: Now that's not to say that I respond calmly in absolutely every situation, because I am still human.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: This is not about holding ourselves to unrealistic standards of perfection because there is no such things.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: No one is perfect.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: And that's okay.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_02: What matters is that we're trying.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: What matters is that we're aware when we are showing up as a version of ourselves that we don't really like.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know about you, but I prefer the version of myself that is calmly responsive as opposed to emotionally reactive.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: And so I invite you to go a little bit deeper with your capacity building work, to not just save it for every now and then, to not just try and employ those tools and techniques in moments of crisis or chaos, but rather to make it part of your daily work.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: What I can tell you is that when you make that effort, it's worth it.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome back to the postseparation abuse podcast.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm your host, Danielle Black.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: This week we're talking about Mother's Day.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: Not the version on the greeting cards, not the breakfast in bed and the handmade cards and the flowers, but rather I want to talk about the version that many of the mothers listening to this podcast actually live.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: I know that for a significant number of you, Mother's Day is not a simple celebration.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: It can be complicated, it can be painful, it can be profoundly unfair.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that deserves to be talked about honestly, rather than just wished away with a generic happy Mother's Day to all the incredible mamas out there platitude.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_02: I also want to share something personal today.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's becoming actually a familiar thing on this show.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: But I know that me sharing my story helps so many of you.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: And this particular Sunday means something specific to me, something that has absolutely nothing to do with the greeting card version, and everything to do with the world that many of you are navigating right now.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_02: So let's start there.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: One of my children, my second born, was born on Mother's Day.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, a very special gift.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: I won't tell you how old he is because I want to protect my children's privacy.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: They certainly did not choose to have a mum with a public platform, and they do deserve to exist outside of it.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: But what I will tell you is what his birth on that particular Sunday meant to me.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: At the time I was still very, very, very deep in post separation abuse.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: My former husband was still in my life via co-parenting our son, my eldest, and he had not run out of ways to make that as difficult as possible.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: During my pregnancy with my second child, he put on social media that I had quote got knocked up.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_02: This is despite the fact that Drew and I were married.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: The reality is that my former partner's assessment of my marriage and my pregnancy was consistently that it was something to be mocked and shamed and diminished.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: He tried to exclude me from our son's first day of primary school.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: Whilst I was pregnant, he was not paying child support for our son, and the formal legal proceedings that would eventually bring a bit of resolution were still many, many years away.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_02: So I was pregnant, then I gave birth, then I was breastfeeding a newborn, while navigating all of that, and that newborn, the child who arrived on the second Sunday of May, was to me something that my former partner couldn't touch or diminish or reframe, no matter what shit he put on social media.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_02: My second born son was evidence.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_02: Evidence that I had built something real and good and lasting.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: That Drew and I had created a family that was genuinely ours, and that the life that I was fighting for was already happening, even though the fight was still going on.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Mother's Day has rarely been simple for me, and I imagine that it's never really been simple for many of you either.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_02: So let's take some time talking about what it actually looks like and what you can do with that.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_02: We can start by naming some different versions of the day that I know exist in the lives of parents listening to this podcast.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: I want every person listening to feel seen in their specific situation.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: I know that there are mothers without orders whose former partner simply withholds the kids on Mother's Day.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: There's plenty of former partners out there who decide that Mother's Day is not a day that the kids will be spending with their mother.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I want to be clear that this is abuse.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_02: This is not a parenting disagreement, this is abuse, and it happens far more than many people realise.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: Then there's the mum who gets however many hours on the Mother's Day Sunday.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: Kids are dropped off at a specific time in the morning or there's a changeover somewhere, and then they're collected again in the afternoon if mum's weekend doesn't happen to fall on the Mother's Day weekend.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: The kids don't often get the opportunity to make the the burnt toast for mum's breakfast.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: There's no time for an unhurried morning.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: No time really for the kids to just be with their mum without there being a focus on the clock ticking.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: The kids arrive, they leave, and the day feels more like it's structured around scheduled changeovers than being a celebration.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: Here's where I want to pause and say something about parenting arrangements and special days.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: In my view, the most child focused approach to Mother's Day and Father's Day when it's safe and age and developmentally appropriate is for the weekends of those special days to go from Friday at the conclusion of school to Monday at the commencement of school, so the whole weekend.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_02: And not because mothers or fathers have rights to that time, but because I believe that children deserve that space to celebrate the parent that they love without that time being squeezed into a certain number of hours between changeovers.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: They deserve to have the opportunity to make the burnt toast or whatever it is they want to make that parent for breakfast.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_02: They need the morning that doesn't feel rushed.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_02: They need to feel like the day belongs to them as much as it belongs to the parent that they're celebrating.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: So if you're negotiating parenting arrangements and special days have not yet been specifically addressed, this can be worth sitting with and considering.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: Again, not as a right that a parent has, but rather from a child-focused perspective, because that's what it is.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_02: And again, the caveat to that is that it is age and developmentally appropriate.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_02: And if you're listening to this and you're not sure what that means, then you need the blueprint, because all of that is unpacked in there.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_02: One of the most painful versions of this, the fact that there are mothers who won't be spending any time with their kids on Mother's Day, not because of the parenting schedule, not because they don't have orders, but rather because of dynamics that are more complex and more painful than that.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: Because there are children who are resisting contact, because there are children who are caught in something that has nothing to do with their mother's love for them, and everything to do with what they've experienced, what they've been exposed to on the journey, including what they've been exposed to in the other household.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: The reasons for this, the reason why children resist and refuse contact with a parent, and what to do about it, that's a conversation for another episode.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: But what I want to say here is simply that if you are in this situation, you're not forgotten in this episode, I see you.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: And if anything, you're the person that I really most want to reach today.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_02: Now for something that some people might find a little bit controversial, but hey, when has that stopped me?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_02: My thoughts are that unless your former mother in law birthed and raised your kids, she doesn't have a right to see them on Mother's Day.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_02: Mother's Day is not grandmother's day, it's not extended family day.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_02: It's the day that belongs to children and the person who has in most cases birthed those children, belongs to the children and the person who has been their mother most of their life, if not every single day of their life.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_02: It's also for families where there are two mothers and where that day needs to be shared between the children and those two mothers.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_02: It's important to recognise that the title of mother, the role of mother, is not just performed by the person who birthed the child.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_02: But again, back to grandparents, I want to be clear about this.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_02: A former partner who uses their mother's access to the children as a reason why the children shouldn't have significant time with you on Mother's Day is not making a child-focused argument.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: That person's making a control argument dressed up as family values.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_02: And those are different things.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: And I invite you to see them as different things if this is something that you've experienced or are currently experiencing.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: And that's not to say that grandmothers are not wonderful.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: Many of them are.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_02: Grandmothers, grandparents should be celebrated.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: And there are three hundred and sixty-four other days of the year on which that can happen.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_02: So please, if you are receiving pressure from your former partner about well when can my mum spend time with the children on Mother's Day, well the answer to that is that she's she can't.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: She's not the priority.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_02: You are allowed to say no.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: Now I want to talk about something a little bit harder.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_02: Something that I often talk with clients about that doesn't always land easily the first time.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_02: For mums who will be spending time with their children on Mother's Day, either fully or just for some part of it, or maybe to a mum who needs to be celebrating Mother's Day on a different date, because they suspect or they know that their child won't be able to spend time with them on the actual day, and that's something that I do invite you to consider because years from now your kids are not going to remember whether Mother's Day was celebrated exactly on the second Sunday of every month.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: It's perfectly okay to celebrate it on a different day.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_02: Is that ideal?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: Is that fair?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: Is that what should happen?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_02: But this relates to something that I'm about to share with you, which is that do you want to be right about how unfair this is, or do you want to be protective of your kids on the day that's supposed to be about them celebrating you?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_02: And I have received comments over the years along the lines of so I'm not allowed to have feelings about this, I'm not allowed to feel sad, that I can't spend time with my children on the actual day, or that it's restricted to certain hours, or you know, I can't can't I show emotions in front of my children?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: And my answer is of course you can.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_02: You're a human being, you have feelings, those feelings are valid, I have never said otherwise.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_02: And here's the thing that I really want you to make space for, to reflect on, to sit with, and that is that we're not just talking about you being celebrated on Mother's Day.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_02: Rather, your children are the ones who have a right to celebrate you.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_02: They're different things.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's very different to think about Mother's Day as your right to be celebrated, as compared with your children having the right to celebrate you.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_02: They are different things.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_02: One thing is about what you deserve, the other is about what your children have a right to and what they need.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_02: A child who spends Mother's Day, either the actual Mother's Day or another day that it's being celebrated on instead, a child spending that day watching their mother be sad about what she's missing or what hasn't gone to plan or what hasn't met expectations, that child feels the weight of her disappointment on a day that's supposed to be joyful.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: That is a child who is being given an adult emotion to carry.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_02: Not because their mum is a bad person.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_02: I've said this before and I'll say it again.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_02: Do not use my coaching against yourself.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_02: None of what I say is about you shaming yourself.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_02: You are not a bad person.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_02: So this is not about being a bad person.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_02: But it can often be because there are mothers in pain who haven't found a way to hold that pain somewhere other than right in front of her children.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_02: And the reality is that that is what kids remember.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_02: Not when Mother's Day was actually celebrated, not that it was held on the second Sunday of May, not whether it was held on a different day entirely, because their other parent didn't cooperate and wasn't child focused, they're not going to remember the date.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_02: What they'll remember is how they felt.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: They'll remember feeling responsible for their mother's sadness.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: They'll remember feeling like they had to fix something that they couldn't fix.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: And that memory, those memories, that pattern of feeling responsible for an adult's emotional state, those things can have an influence on our kids to the extent that they can shape who they become as adults.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_02: They can be more likely to become someone who puts others' needs ahead of their own, someone who feels guilty.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: When another person's disappointed.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_02: Someone who becomes a relentless fixer in relationships.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_02: Someone who learned very early that love and emotional burden are normal, familiar, that they just go together.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_02: And I know that that's not what you want for your kids.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: And I also know that choosing something different is genuinely hard when you are in the middle of something that is genuinely unfair.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_02: But I do believe that it's a choice.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_02: And whether you acknowledge it or not, you are making a choice.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_02: Years from now, your child will not remember whether Mother's Day was celebrated with you on the right Sunday.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_02: But they will remember how they felt, whether you were present with them.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: They'll remember how it felt to be in your company.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_02: They'll remember whether you showed them on the day that was supposed to be about celebrating you, that you were someone who could hold the hard and the good at the same time.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_02: And that's one of the most important gifts that you can give them.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_02: And it costs nothing except the decision to give it and the capacity to hold on to it.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_02: So for the mother whose children will not be spending time with her on Sunday for whatever reason, because of absence, distance, an abusive former partner, or something even more complicated and painful than that, I want to say first that you are still their mother.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_02: That does not change because of what the calendar says, what the parenting schedule says, what your former partner has done or not done, or whatever your child is navigating that may have led to them being reluctant or even completely resistant or refusing to spend time with you.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_02: You are still their mother.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_02: You're their mother on the Sunday of Mother's Day the same way that you're their mother every other day of the year.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_02: That's not contingent on whether or not you see them on an arbitrary day on the calendar.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: And secondly, you do get to have a choice about what the day is.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_02: Not an easy choice.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_02: Not a choice that doesn't require anything from you, but a choice nonetheless.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's important to talk about those options clearly rather than leaving you to arrive at Sunday without having thought about it.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_02: So if you're not spending time with your children on Sunday, you might spend the day mourning the loss, and that's valid.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_02: The loss, the disappointment, that's real and it deserves to be felt.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_02: There's nothing wrong with crying, with grieving.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_02: In fact, that can be an important way to help your nervous system come back to balance, back to baseline.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_02: Crying can help you with that, can help with regulation.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's important to acknowledge that this is not how it was supposed to be, that it's not how you wanted it to be.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_02: And if you want to take the entire day to feel the full weight of it, then you can.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_02: You don't have to perform being okay if you don't feel okay.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_02: But what I would invite you to do is to make a decision about that.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_02: To not drift into mourning and grief by default.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_02: If that is what you need, that grieving, then choose it consciously and create some space for it and give yourself some time to come up for air afterwards.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_02: Another option is to treat it as any other day.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's also valid.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_02: Some mothers find that the best thing that they can do is simply to refuse to give Mother's Day any more weight than a normal day on the calendar.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_02: To treat it as just any other Sunday.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_02: There's laundry and coffee, a walk in the park, an ordinary day.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_02: That ordinariness can be genuinely grounding rather than avoidant if it's intentionally chosen rather than defaulted to.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_02: Another option is to acknowledge your feelings and then to make a decision to do something that honours you.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_02: And that's the option that I want to spend the most time on because I think it's the one that requires the most from you, but it's also the one that offers the most back.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_02: The first part, acknowledging the feelings, is not optional in my view.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_02: You can't leapfrog the hard thing by staying busy, but what you can do is give it a defined container to maybe journal about it, to maybe have a cry in the shower, maybe a brief contained call with someone who gets it, maybe sitting with it for twenty minutes while you have a cupper and let it be as big as it actually is, and then not as a replacement for feeling it, but after feeling it, make a decision to do something for yourself.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_02: You can plan ahead.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_02: Don't arrive at Mother's Day Sunday without having thought about it.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_02: The mothers who find their way through difficult days are almost always the ones who have decided in advance what the day was going to be.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: If your own mother is alive and available, you might consider making the day about her or another mother that you know who's important to you.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_02: Focusing outward on service, on someone else who deserves celebrating can be one of the fastest ways to get out of our own heads.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_02: And this is genuinely generous rather than avoidant.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_02: You could also choose to honour yourself, to plan something perhaps just for you, to visit a favourite location, or to spend a day on the couch with something indulgent to watch and something delicious to eat.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe a solo picnic somewhere that just makes you feel like yourself.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe a long bath if that's your thing, or a long shower, maybe a long walk or a run or a jog.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_02: I've worked with clients over the years that are either mad can cyclists or they run marathons.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_02: If that's your thing, whatever your thing, do what fills you up rather than depletes you.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_02: You could also make space for multiple things.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's possible to feel deeply sad about what the day isn't and still find a moment in the day that feels genuinely good.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_02: Both are allowed and neither cancels the other one out.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_02: And finding something good to experience doesn't take away the pain that you felt, it doesn't make what may have been done to you, it doesn't make any of that okay, it doesn't excuse it.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_02: But what it does mean is that you're being intentional about not allowing that to become your identity.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_02: You're not allowing the grief, you're not allowing the abuse, whatever the situation is, you're not allowing that to define who you are.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_02: Underneath all of this, it's important to remember something that I think gets lost in the grief of days like this one.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_02: You are more than a mother.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_02: Being a mother is not the whole of who you are.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, it is one of the most significant things that you are for many of you listening.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_02: But you did exist before your children arrived, and you will exist fully, completely with your own needs and pleasures, desires and identity alongside being their mother.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_02: When we hold space for that, when we remember that we are also a person who has a favourite place and a favourite food and things that make us laugh, we can take the pressure off ourselves and off our kids.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_02: Motherhood is not the only thing that defines us, and Mother's Day does not have to be the only measure of whether we're loved, of whether we deserve to be celebrated, of whether we are okay.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_02: We are their mothers every day.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_02: Not just the second Sunday in May.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_02: We are mothers on ordinary Tuesdays.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_02: We are mothers in the way that we show up when nothing special is happening.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_02: And that's the mothering that they'll carry with them.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's the mothering that's the most important.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_02: I wanted to share with you some things that I've been reflecting on, and one of them is that I didn't have my four children in order to be celebrated.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't bring them into the world for what they could do for me on the second Sunday of May.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_02: Rather, I see myself as a steward of them.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_02: That's the word that feels truest to me.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_02: Steward.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_02: Someone entrusted with something that matters enormously but that doesn't belong to them to keep.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes that feels thankless.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I suspect it might always feel a little bit thankless.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_02: Because honestly, I think that's part of what parenting can be, and that's okay.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_02: Because I don't do this for thanks, I do it because I am their mother.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_02: Your children will not remember whether Mother's Day was celebrated on, you know, the right day.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_02: They won't remember whether the parenting schedule cooperated, whether the parenting orders were followed.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_02: They won't remember whether the breakfast was made or the flowers were given.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_02: They will remember how it felt to be loved by you.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_02: They will remember whether you were present, genuinely present, not just physically there.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_02: They will remember the ordinary moments, the times that you laughed with them, the times that you sat quietly with them, the times that you showed them.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_02: Not by telling them, but but living it, embodying it.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_02: That it is possible to hold hard things and still actively look for and find the good ones.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_02: That is the mothering.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_02: Not the day, not the second Sunday in May.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_02: The mothering is every day.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_02: Happy Mother's Day to every mother listening to this in whatever form your Sunday takes.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_02: You are doing something extraordinarily hard, and you are doing it for people who will one day understand, even if they can't write now, that matters and you matter.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_02: Not just on Sundays.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_02: Before I let you go, I want to share something with you that feels right for this particular moment in the lead up to Mother's Day.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_02: Today I'm debuting a new song.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_02: It's called Choosing Me.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I invite you to listen to it not as background music, but as something to really sit with.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_02: I think it says something that I've been trying to say in this episode but in a way that sometimes only music can.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_02: Choosing me is not about selfishness.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_02: It's about the quiet step by step incremental but sometimes uncomfortable process of coming back to yourself after years of losing yourself in a relationship, in separation, in court proceedings, in survival mode, in the seemingly endless work of fighting for your kids while sometimes forgetting that you also deserve to be fought for.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_02: If you're a blueprint member, you'll also have access to this song as well as the full Stronger Braver Together album as part of your Blueprint membership.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_02: The Stronger Braver Together album is six original songs created exclusively for our community.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_02: And speaking of Blueprint membership, I want to tell you about something that has just launched because if you've been sitting on the fence about joining, this really is a great moment.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_02: Blueprint Radio is live.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_02: It's a private members only audio channel, a private podcast, with exclusive content that goes somewhere that this podcast can't always go.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_02: There are already some episodes inside, including one on how to have difficult conversations with your lawyer without the relationship breaking down, and one for the moments when things don't go to plan.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe when an interim outcome lands badly and you're sitting with the question of what the point of any of it was.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_02: Both of those episodes are there for you right now.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_02: There's also the Carmen Grounded Audio Collection, Guided Meditations, Affirmations and Regulation Practices recorded by me.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_02: Now also delivered as a private podcast that you can access on your phone, in your car, on a walk, anytime you need to come back to yourself.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_02: That's in there too.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_02: So Blueprint Radio, the Stronger Braver Together album, the Carmen Grande Audio Collection, and I am also in the process of recording audio versions of each lesson of the Blueprint.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_02: This is taking a bit of time, as you have heard me say before.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_02: My main role is as a coach.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm recording audio of the blueprint lessons in amongst my coaching obligations and my other recording schedule for this podcast and for Blueprint Radio.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_02: So I am going to ask that you be patient.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_02: It is going to be a bit of a slow drip, but ultimately it will be worth it.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_02: The goal is that there will be an audio version of every lesson by the end of this year.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_02: So as I said, I'm working on it, but I am only human, so I do appreciate your patience with that.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_02: As those of you know who are inside the blueprint, it is currently primarily a written reference-based resource.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_02: However, I know how much of you love listening to the podcast.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_02: I know that there are so many of you who love being able to pop on the headphones and listen to content while you're doing other things that need to be done during the day.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_02: I get it, I'm very similar, but it will require a little bit of patience.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_02: So just to recap, because I know this is a lot that I've just mentioned, we're talking about blueprint radio, exclusive content, specific to the content and the work that we're doing within the blueprint, but a little bit deeper, a little bit nuanced, maybe sometimes even a little bit more spicy, dare I say, specifically for people who are already inside the work, who have a deeper understanding of the work.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_02: Also the Carmen Grande Audio Collection, that is the Guided Meditations, Affirmations and Regulation Practices, the Stronger Braver Together album, the original tracks and anthems created for our community that I know have lyrics that really speak to so many of our community in a way that oftentimes other commercial music doesn't.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_02: And the audio library of the blueprint lessons that will gradually be released as they're recorded, and those audios will be released gradually over the course of this year.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_02: Now, all of those things that I've just mentioned, they're accessible to Blueprint members via what's known as a private podcast.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_02: The link that you receive for the private podcasts allows you to select your preferred podcast player, for example, Apple Podcasts.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_02: When you select that, what I love about this delivery method of the audio is that this private podcast will then appear in your podcast library, just like with any of the other podcasts that you're subscribed to, except they're only for you.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_02: They're not available by somebody searching them up on Apple.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_02: They're actually hidden from the search in Apple Podcasts and Spotify, for example.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_02: So they are exclusive to Blueprint members.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_02: Only for Blueprint members not publicly available.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_02: And the fact that you're going to be able to listen to that content in your usual podcast app, for example, Apple Podcasts or Spotify, that's going to make listening to this content so much easier.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_02: So, for example, the way that you listen to this podcast, the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast, if you're doing that in Apple or Spotify, you'll be able to access the Blueprint radio content in that same podcast player, the Carmen Grounded Audio Collection in that same podcast player, the Stronger Braver Together album music in that podcast player, and as it gets released, the audio versions of the Blueprint lessons.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_02: So that's four private podcasts that you'll have access to.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_02: Again, not publicly available, they're not searchable on those channels, and yet able to be listened to by you in a really simple, easy way in the app where your other podcasts are.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's a fantastic delivery method.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_02: It has required a little bit of behind the scenes work, which I'm sure you can appreciate, but I think it's really been worth it.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_02: And so again, if you've been thinking about joining us, now really is the time.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I think with this additional audio content, some people might be thinking, oh, you know, why is Danielle going to this extent in terms of offering this?
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_02: And really, there's a whole range of reasons.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_02: One of them is that I just love creating things.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not just a coach, I'm also a creator.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_02: I really love creating as much value as humanly possible for my people, for our community.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_02: Anything that I think is going to be valuable.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_02: I love creating, I love giving.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_02: It really does bring me a lot of joy to create things that I know are helpful and that I think will be really valuable to our community.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_02: As well as that, things like blueprint radio, where we can go a little bit deeper on some of the either the frameworks or the themes, or even the coaching.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_02: It helps to make the blueprint not just a resource to read about things or even to listen about things eventually when the audio versions of the lessons are in place.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's not just about consuming information.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's a space that actually supports the doing of it.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's really powerful.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_02: Not just reading about being challenged, not just reading about changing, not just reading about growing capacity, but having an opportunity, a place to do it, and having some tools accessible to you to help you in the doing of it.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_02: Because honestly, it's the clients who do the work, they're the ones that get the best results.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_02: So with the Carmen Grounded Audio Collection, for example, the guided meditations, the affirmations, they're already in the blueprint in module 16, which is all about growing capacity.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_02: But this new delivery method, in terms of it being accessible by private podcast, that's exciting.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_02: That's going to make it so much more accessible for you.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's going to be so much easier for you to just get your phone, get into your Apple Podcasts, your Spotify, select an affirmation or select a guided meditation.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_02: That was what was behind it.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_02: Just me wanting to provide you with something else that is going to help you in the doing, not the consuming, but the doing, the integrating.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_02: Because that's really where the magic happens.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_02: Something else that makes now the right time to join us in the blueprint, if you're not already a member but have been thinking about it, is that next Wednesday, the 13th of May, the price to access the blueprint is going up.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_02: So if you're listening to this before the 13th of May, you can still join us in the Blueprint at the current founding member price.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_02: And especially for Mother's Day, I'm offering a$150 discount on that founding price.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_02: And this is the last time that the blueprint will be at this price.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_02: So if you've been thinking about it, now is a fantastic time for the discount.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_02: You don't need to remember.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_02: Any codes, it will just automatically be applied at checkout.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_02: That discounted price is available until midnight, Tuesday, May 12th.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_02: So many reasons to come and join us inside the blueprint.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_02: So many reasons to keep doing the work of being a change maker and a cycle breaker.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_02: And of choosing yourself.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_02: Choosing yourself by joining us by being willing to be part of a community that's doing this work, that's challenging themselves, that's changing, that's transforming in ways that are not always comfortable because growth often isn't comfortable.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_02: But challenging, changing, growing in ways that are often really deep and profound and meaningful.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_02: So if you'd love to be part of that, I'd love to see you there inside the blueprint.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_02: And oh, I nearly forgot.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_02: AI Danielle.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_02: Terribly sorry.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_02: AI Danielle, how can we forget her?
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_02: 24-7 access to AI Danielle, digital coach and thinking partner, available when I'm asleep.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_02: When our other coaches are asleep.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_02: So many reasons to come and join us.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_02: Not to mention the fact that you are not going to get this content or this level of support, 24-7 support, anywhere else.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_02: So again, if you've been thinking about joining our blueprint family, now is the perfect time.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_02: And you can do that by going to Danielle Blackcoaching.com.au.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_02: There is a link in the show notes if needed.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_02: If Mother's Day is hard for you, or if it's complicated for you in the way that I know that it's complicated for so many parents in this community, I hope this episode gave you something helpful.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_02: And I hope the song that you're about to hear, titled Choosing Me, gives you something else to hold on to.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_02: Because you do deserve to choose yourself.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_02: Not after you've finalised the parenting plan, not after you've got final orders, not after your kids are 18 and you don't need to co-parent to the same extent.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_02: You deserve to choose yourself now.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_02: Today.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_02: Every day.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much for being here with me today.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much for being prepared to look at yourself, your situation, all the things with a different perspective.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_02: To be open to being challenged, to be open to being changed in the best possible ways.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_02: I'll look forward to chatting with you again soon.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_02: Until then, I hope you enjoy this new track, choosing me.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: Bent myself to fit the frame.
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_01: Forgot my voice, forgot my fire, put everyone else above my desire.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_01: But something in me wouldn't stay gone.
• 47:37
  SPEAKER_01: A quiet truth that kept holding on.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm choosing me.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_01: But because I desire a life that feels a bad step I'm coming through.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_01: Not who I was, but someone new.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a race.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_01: To feel the grief and still move on.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to have it all worked out.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_01: I just have to trust what I'm about to feel But because I step up who I was but so much quietly go to smallest places, nobody knows, and one day you look up and you see you didn't lose yourself, you came back to me and choosing me again and again through every burning to everybody And I'm allowed to feel okay.