Latest / How Not To Give Up with Kathy Tulley / Why It Feels So Hard to Keep Going

Transcript

Why It Feels So Hard to Keep Going · How Not To Give Up with Kathy Tulley

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Everything gonna be alright, alright, everything gonna be alright, alright, everything gonna be alright, alright, alright, alright, let's go.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can I ask you a question?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: You ever looked at something that should take five minutes and thought, why does this feel so hard?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know what needs to be done.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: You might even want to do it.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: But somehow, getting yourself to take that first little step feels impossible.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like trying to push a refrigerator uphill and flip-flops.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly, you're not just struggling with a thing.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're struggling with yourself for struggling with a thing.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, that's fun.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Hell Not to Give Up.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Capitully, and I'm really glad you're here.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Today, let's explore something I think a lot of this experience.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Why does it feel so hard just to keep going sometimes?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And what the reason isn't what we've been telling ourselves.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know those days when even the simplest tasks seem to require a reasonable amount of effort.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Answering a message, making a phone call, putting away laundry, checking just one email, starting something you have meaning to do for weeks.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: The longer it sits, the bigger it seems to get.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're not just thinking about the thing, you're thinking about how long you've been thinking about the thing, and why you haven't done the thing, and what that must say about you.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's exhausting just describing it.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere in there, we start telling ourselves stories and not good stories.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I should be able to handle this.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Other people manage.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I just get it together?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: But what if we're not seeing the whole picture?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're carrying a backpack.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Throughout the day, people keep handing you things to put in it.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibilities, worries, decisions, disappointments, things you need to remember, people you're concerned about, problems you haven't solved yet.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some grief, maybe some fear, maybe just the uncertainty of not knowing what happens next.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you keep going, because that's what you do.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You adapt, you figure things out, you find another way.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually, someone hands you just one more little thing.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't even weigh very much.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly you think, no, I can't.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, what?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: You've carried all this other stuff.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this thing suddenly feeling possible?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe it's not the weight of that one little thing.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the weight of everything else you're already carrying.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's a different way to look at it, isn't it?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we only look at that last little thing, we might decide, oh, if we're just lazy, or weak, unmotivated.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: But when we take a step back, look at that whole backpack, we can begin to see a different picture, maybe a different question.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking, why can't I handle this one little thing?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: We might ask, wait a minute, what am I already carrying that I haven't been counting?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I have an idea.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: What if we turn this into a little detective game?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because apparently, I can't just have a problem.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I have to investigate it.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So let's call this one the case of the mysteriously impossible five-minute task.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Dun dun dun.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the first rule: you are not the suspect.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: You are the detective.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're not trying to figure out what's wrong with you.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to figure out what's actually happening.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what detectives do?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: They look for clues.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So let's investigate.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Clue number one.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: When does this feel hardest?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Is it first thing in the morning?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of a long day?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Is it when there are 17 other things just demanding your attention?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Interesting.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Clue number two.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: When does this feel easier?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Is it when someone helps?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: When you know exactly where to start?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe when you've had a bit of rest.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: When you come back to it later.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Another clue.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Clue number three.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: What else is going on that you haven't been counting?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that backpack?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's a whole collection of things in there that haven't made it to your mental inventory.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And now, my favorite part.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Take a step back.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's look at the clues together.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what pattern do you see?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this isn't the case of the missing motivation, after all.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a case of the overloaded backpack.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: It usually is for me.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Aha.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe the points, clues, point somewhere else entirely differently.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: We're investigating.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: We're not delivering a verdict.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes just change the question from what's wrong with me to what's actually happening here can help you see possibilities because before.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now that we've collected a few clues, we can test a theory.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the answer isn't to push harder.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to put something down.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to ask for help.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to break the task into smaller pieces.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to give ourselves permission to do the imperfect version.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's a hard one for me.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: But it can work.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we just need to rest.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the revolutionary intervention is a sandwich.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: We can get so caught up in what we haven't accomplished, we forgive we're human beings with actual needs.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not suggesting a sandwich is going to solve all our problems, although, depending on the sandwich, I am suggesting that before we decide we need more discipline, more motivation, more pressure, we might want to find out what we actually need.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because pressure doesn't automatically create capacity.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Putting more pressure on ourselves does not mean we can actually turn around and just do it.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can be struggling with something without the struggle defining who you are.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Remember what we talked about in episode zero?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Hard thing can be true without it being the only thing that's true.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is another version.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can be struggling and still be capable.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can be tired and still care deeply about what you're trying to do.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can need help and still be someone who's good at figuring things out.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: These things can be true all the same time.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I'd love for you to try.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Think of one thing that's been feeling harder than expected.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just one.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Put on your imaginary detective hat.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, you know what?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Mine has a feather.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It just does.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself, what's making this hard?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: What clues have you noticed?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: What might you be carrying that you haven't been counting?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: When you step back and look at all this clues together, what pattern might be emerging?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Good news is you don't have to know for sure.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to prove some burns about yourself.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: You're just trying to figure out what's happening.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Then ask, what might make the next little piece easier?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Try one little thing.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: If you think you don't know where to begin, okay, write down just the first step.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you think you need help, ask someone to sit with you for 10 minutes.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you think you're exhausted, see what happens if you take five or ten and give yourself some actual rest.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if your three turns out to be wrong, congratulations, you just collected another clue.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You learned something you didn't know before.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now you get to choose again.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: No guilty verdict, no dramatic courtroom music, just a little more information about how you work.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Before you go, I want to leave you something.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: If life has been feeling unusually heavy lately, if you're wondering why things that used to seem so simple now take so much more effort, I hope you'll consider another possibility.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's more going on than you've been counting.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe even carrying things that deserve to be acknowledged.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe even ask yourself to do something without everything you need to do it.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the next step isn't to demand more of yourself.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to get curious about what would actually help you.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to solve your entire life today.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Thank goodness.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to figure out every reason something feels hard.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: You certainly don't have to prove your worth by how much you accomplish before bedtime.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're already worthy.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can start by noticing, collect a few clues, look for the pattern, and ask one different question.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: What might make this a little easier?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, when we change the question, we begin to see possibilities we couldn't see before.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: That might be enough to help us take the next little step.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: One last question, because I've seen a lot of them.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Given today's reality, what's still possible?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not everything, not the whole staircase, just the next little piece of the path.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Cappy Tully, and this is How Not to Give Up.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really glad you're here.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, there's always a seat for you here.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: See it in sign.