Latest / A Time to Sharpen / Aircraft Carriers

Transcript

Aircraft Carriers · A Time to Sharpen

0:11
Is there anything worse than a dull blade?
0:13
Well, yeah, lots of things. I guess, poverty War when your
0:18
wireless printer won't connect to the internet and then it
0:20
finally does connect and you're out of ink seriously.
0:24
Though, a dull blade is bad, it's unusable.
0:28
In fact it's downright dangerous.
0:30
Knives need sharpening from Whetstone Boys, Ranch in
0:33
Mountain View. Missouri comes a time to sharpen
0:37
a Bi weekly podcast that examines how we can all be
0:40
better versions of ourselves better teachers.
0:43
Better counselors better parents better people.
0:57
I feel the need the need for Speed is Iconic, Tom Cruise Line
1:02
and Top Gun accurately describes the drive that many teenagers
1:06
feel while they work to create space between their parents and
1:09
themselves. They want freedom and
1:11
Independence and they can't get it fast enough.
1:14
Parents on the other hand, bear the responsibility of asking
1:18
important questions about safety Direction and destination, this
1:22
process is normal and healthy. But with adopted children, the
1:26
Need for Speed as a teenager is combined with the urge to
1:29
constantly Buzz the tower. They can't seem to resist doing
1:33
things to make you spill your coffee and then laugh in your
1:36
face. Why do they do this?
1:39
Can anything be done to stop it or lessen its frequency or
1:42
intensity and what can parents do to cope with this Behavior?
1:45
Which seems intentional at times.
1:47
And at other times like the subconscious working out of pain
1:50
from a past they can't remember. On this episode of a time to
1:54
sharpen will dig into these difficult questions.
1:58
Sometimes the best apparent can hope for is to be an aircraft
2:01
carrier. That's just there.
2:03
Ready to help them land the jet when they feel the need to slow
2:07
down, welcome back to a time to
2:19
sharpen. This is Axel Lima te.
2:20
I am here with Brandon Maxwell. Hey, Axl.
2:23
How's it going today? Ma'am.
2:24
It's going good. Brandon.
2:26
It's the afternoon this time. Sometimes we record in the
2:28
morning. So the different vibe in the
2:31
afternoon. Yeah.
2:32
We've already. We've done some different
2:34
recording. This morning, we had some
2:36
videos. Some little Snippets of the 30
2:38
by 30 and yeah, some other Facebook post that we're doing.
2:43
So we're in the studio but we don't side.
2:47
We were doing creative recording stuff.
2:48
So if I want to check out log pile.
2:51
Yeah. Check out Instagram.
2:52
Facebook. We're trying to post little
2:54
short video clips and reels about the building process some
2:59
time lapse stuff. So I'm learning how to do that
3:01
with video and photography. Yeah, I've been experimenting
3:04
with some cool things. Yeah, it's kind of funny.
3:06
You the first one you did was with your phone, your iPhone and
3:10
you were walking the whole time and when he sped it up it
3:13
sounded like a little chipmunk was just screwing around the
3:15
woods and yep. Gobbling up the stairs like a
3:18
pacman is like right? That was pretty funny.
3:22
Yeah. Gave us A good laugh.
3:24
Well we just we want everyone to feel a part of this experience.
3:27
Like it's a big family. There's literally thousands of
3:31
people out there who are behind us and who, who donate, who
3:37
volunteer their time, who listen to the podcast, who subscribed
3:40
to Facebook, I mean, between the, all of those things, I
3:44
mean, I don't we're not exaggerating to say they're
3:47
three to four thousand people. I would say who are linked in
3:50
some form or fashion to Whetstone who are interested.
3:53
And what's going right here? Yeah, that's probably pretty
3:56
accurate number and part of what you were doing this morning, you
4:00
just kind of wanted to get an idea for people the size, the
4:04
location, the gravity of the project, and in that light as
4:10
well, we feel we need we want you want to share that with you
4:14
guys because one we just we need your prayers and help and
4:18
guidance to in wisdom through all of this and you guys.
4:23
So any of you out there have been so vital to getting us to
4:26
this point and we just wanted to continue to educate you and keep
4:30
you posted and involved in any way we can by doing this and
4:34
ultimately just to make you feel a part of it because you are and
4:38
also to get an idea of the scope of work and you guys informed.
4:43
Yeah. And if we could get all three to
4:45
four thousand of those people to listen to the podcast.
4:47
That'd be great would be great. And I guess to that end, I'd
4:51
like to like throw it out there anyone listening If, you know
4:54
other people that have podcasts, that's really the best way to
4:57
expand your reach is to is to tap into audiences that are
5:00
already there. Groups of people that already
5:02
listen to podcasts, right who might be interested in our
5:06
podcast and it's kind of like there's a symbiotic relationship
5:10
like we benefit and they benefit and and really at the end of the
5:14
day, all we're just trying to help families trying to help
5:17
boys. We're trying to to do more good
5:20
in the world and expand God's kingdom and at the end of Of the
5:23
day, that's what it's about what it's about, right?
5:26
So as it was, that need to breathe song, that be more, be
5:31
more heart and less attack. That's what I thought of when
5:34
you said be, do more good. Yeah, be more heart.
5:37
So yeah, that's all we're trying to do.
5:39
Yeah, be more heartless attack. So thank you for tuning in.
5:43
Let's go ahead and kind of get back, get back to where we were
5:46
Brandon with the last podcast mention that this it was going
5:50
to be a two parter, right? The first one was the myth of
5:53
Quality time. And the second one I mentioned
5:56
was going to be called aircraft carriers.
5:59
I don't know that I elaborated on that at all.
6:03
No, we just kind of left it hanging.
6:05
Yeah, Caesar will teaser for teaser.
6:08
So if you're tuning in and you are excited to listen about what
6:12
that means, here it comes, drumroll So, you do the aircraft
6:19
carriers was a metaphor that Matt used.
6:23
Matt Foster, the therapist who visited us on Father's Day
6:28
father-son weekend to describe the dynamic, the relationship
6:32
between an adopted child and his parents and to put it in briefly
6:42
his point. Was that what we what, what you
6:46
are as As a parent of adopted, child is a place where that
6:51
child can come back to and refuel and yellow rest, check in
6:57
to make sure the plane is working properly, but that
7:01
adopted child is going to, it's going to be a short stay perhaps
7:06
and then they're going to fly off and do the thing.
7:09
And then they're going to come back to see if you're still
7:10
there and to check in with you, but it's going to be constants,
7:15
going to be a very unpredictable process.
7:18
Every time they come back, it's going to be like that Landing.
7:21
When they come in on the aircraft carrier.
7:23
It's dangerous, right? It's not like it's ever easier.
7:26
When you're landing on an aircraft, it's a moving Target
7:29
and you as a parent are obviously going to be very
7:32
concerned about where that child is, and they're not always going
7:35
to keep you in the loop about what's going on inside their
7:37
head even when they're. They're like literally yeah.
7:41
And they're not always with you in their mind they may be
7:44
thinking we're going to talk about a book today, 20 things
7:46
adopted children I wish their parents knew, there's lots of
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things that are going through their head, that they're not
7:51
going to add to articulate or that they're even incapable of
7:55
articulating. Because some of the trauma
7:58
that's happened in a pre verbal stage, when they experience the
8:02
pain before they could articulate it and talk to you
8:04
about it. And that's going to work itself
8:06
out in their relationship with you.
8:08
And it's going to make it very difficult.
8:11
Yeah, there's certainly a lot to this discussion more than we're
8:16
going to cover. Certainly In this one episode
8:19
and but I'd like to that particular discussion or that
8:24
analogy that Matt alluded to with aircraft carrier.
8:28
Kind of came up from my one of the father's at the ranch here,
8:34
just kind of sharing his frustration, a little bit with
8:37
just wanting to be able to have a man-to-man conversation or a
8:42
conversation, that is more than superficial and just surfaced.
8:47
Level. He was wanting to get to that
8:50
spot where he could just, he couldn't see a time where he
8:54
could just sit down and have a man-to-man talk with his son and
8:58
so that was kind of the pre-emptive discussion where
9:01
Matt kind of jumped in. He's like, Here's a blunt.
9:05
Truth, is that very often? As adopted parents, you guys are
9:12
just are core. Not just, I don't want to make
9:16
that, you know, make that sound like it's not a big deal, but
9:20
they are aircraft carriers, and trying to understand that
9:23
concept of just there is a wound.
9:26
A deep wound of Primal wound at the beginning.
9:30
That is not their fault, it's not the fault of the adopted
9:33
parents, and it's not going to go away.
9:36
And so I think a lot of times parents want to maybe roll.
9:40
Enter sighs. You know the adoption or want to
9:43
try to say things like oh we chose you over so many others
9:48
and maybe try to assuage some of the the pain that's there to
9:53
where they don't think about it as much.
9:55
Or you know there's just a there's a ton of some of the
9:58
headphones Silver Lining sometimes.
10:00
Right? You can find the silver lining
10:02
and that is is it minimizes in an unhealthy way?
10:07
The pain that's there. Yeah.
10:10
Yeah, whereas what we should be trying to, we should we try to
10:12
do and we try to do this as at the ranch as well.
10:14
We're not their adopted parents, but we are functioning, we're in
10:19
that role, right? Because we're responsible for
10:23
them. And so we're going to take a lot
10:25
of the flak that the parent would take.
10:26
If they were at home, they're going to treat us right?
10:28
And in that in that position and yeah just behooves us to
10:32
remember that that working out and that friction and that that
10:37
pain is going to be like Own on you, right?
10:41
And it doesn't have anything to do with you.
10:44
And that's, yeah, part of the, I think we talked about that a
10:48
little bit last week, or the last podcast just that that
10:52
tension and living in that tension.
10:55
And knowing, I mean I think in general we live in a we're so
11:01
we're paying a verse. We don't want paying, we think
11:04
pain is a bad thing and at all costs we want to avoid that
11:08
pain. Like we have parents that don't
11:10
want to have those tough discussions with their son that
11:13
hey you are. Going to a boarding school, this
11:15
play is called Whetstone and you'll probably be there for
11:19
seven to nine months. Instead, they don't want to have
11:22
that tough conversation and deal with, you know, some potential
11:26
negative Fallout, which there will be.
11:29
But they say, oh, we're going to go look at a camp in Missouri
11:32
and just go see a for a possibility for you to go to
11:37
this summer, right? And this has happened numerous
11:39
times against our wisdom, telling the parents and I'll
11:43
drop them. Often say, well, you're here for
11:46
for nine months and basically drop them off and not good, and
11:50
they're gone. So yeah, then it's and again,
11:53
nothing. Some parents are in a very tough
11:56
spot and they're willing to do anything.
11:57
It takes to just get their son here because that's legitimately
12:01
where they're at. And so that's kind of a whole
12:04
nother discussion, but but it does it creates a further.
12:07
It's another wound use this, another wound, another loss.
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And another thing that you're going to have to face, if you're
12:14
Going to have if you're going to bridge that Chasm of attachment.
12:20
Into the relationship and really start to narrow that and start
12:25
creating those bonds. You're going to have to face
12:27
that tension how those hard conversations grieve together
12:31
and be able to do that and not shy away from.
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And whenever I hear of that situation happening and it does
12:37
that, it doesn't happen a lot because we coach parents through
12:39
it, but right, it does happen. It always reminds me of the Jack
12:43
Handey skit on SNL. You know, the thoughts Deep
12:48
Thoughts where he says, A this starts it by saying and if you
12:53
haven't seen Deep Thoughts, there's usually a picture of
12:55
like a waterfall or a babbling brook, or a?
12:58
Yeah, some nice soothing music, something natural.
13:01
There's this nice. Soothing music in this voice
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comes on. It's very pleasant.
13:04
Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey and the one that I'm thinking of
13:07
he says kids like to be tricked. One day I told my nephew that we
13:13
were going to Disneyland but instead I drove to an old burnt
13:18
down warehouse and I said look Disneyland burnt down.
13:24
He cried and cried but deep down I think he thought it was a good
13:28
joke. I'm not hurt.
13:32
It's so it's a go check that out appropriate for that like
13:36
scenario. Like we're gonna go somewhere
13:38
but we're going to drop you off at Whetstone.
13:40
Right. Which is like burned down
13:42
warehouse and we might, we might think that they're gonna,
13:47
they're gonna deal with it better than they don't deal with
13:50
it as good as we would hope a lot of times.
13:52
Yeah but kids are resilient. Hell, yeah.
13:56
And I don't mean to make light of parents and families that are
13:59
in that just desperate situation because I'm I don't think that
14:04
people who haven't worked in this industry or having aren't
14:09
familiar with the situation. As dire as the boys.
14:13
It's not just a this boy needs a good camp experience.
14:16
Let's send him away and then he can figure stuff out.
14:19
Or what do you know? This?
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Boy just needs discipline, or he just needs a better crowd of
14:25
kids to hang around. I mean, do the Situation's were
14:27
dealing with, are just extreme to the point where the boy
14:32
cannot live in the house with the family, any longer without
14:36
just destroying the family or himself.
14:40
And so, I'm not minimizing it but you do have to you do have
14:44
to bring a certain degree of levity and humor to this this
14:47
situations for your own mental health and one way to do that
14:51
also is with these metaphors, like aircraft carriers.
14:53
Like let's try to think about this tough situation.
14:56
I'm going through with my son and give myself some perspective
15:00
because when I'm all wrapped up in it and I'm angry and we're
15:03
fighting and were yelling, and we're screaming, you're just
15:05
making it worse. You're just spinning your tires,
15:07
you're digging a deeper hole and an angry parent Angry caregiver
15:12
cannot do anything to help fear go away to help pain.
15:16
Go away to, you're going to further the attachment
15:20
attachment issues. So you have to get control of
15:22
yourself, and if you can just close your eyes and and think of
15:28
being an aircraft carrier and just floating in an ocean alone,
15:31
and my son is going to come back someday, right?
15:35
And when he does, I'm going to be ready right to help him to
15:38
refuel to have a safe landing. And then we you say come back
15:42
you're not necessarily meaning like sometimes as they get older
15:45
like they could physically run away.
15:47
Yeah. Or as they get, you know, I'm 18
15:50
and on their own, they're going to go do whatever maybe find
15:54
their birth parents or to go try to find their birth parents or
15:57
find themselves but we're not necessarily talking about that
16:00
like that's part of it. But what's the other part of
16:02
like just as their younger kids like what are some things that
16:06
they do to push, push you away and create?
16:11
Yeah, but then come back to the relationship.
16:13
Well, another good illustration that continues.
16:16
The aircraft carriers is Top Gun.
16:19
There's a scene in a famous scene where he requests a flyby,
16:23
right? Thanks Ryder.
16:24
This is Ghost Rider. Requesting a flyby and the guy
16:27
at the tower says negative Ghost Rider.
16:29
Which in turn is full, the pattern is full famous line.
16:31
From Top. Goose is like I don't think this
16:34
is good idea, my know it's time. It's time Goose.
16:37
It's time to buzz the tower and then he flies Sighs by real
16:41
close to the Tower and the guy spills his coffee and super
16:44
upset and they're laughing. And having a good old time Balls
16:46
of Fire Great Balls of Fire. And we thought that was a really
16:52
apt illustration of what our guys will do.
16:55
Sometimes in order. There it's acting out, right?
16:59
Like, Tom Cruise is doing, I'm rebelling.
17:01
I'm going against the rules and on the outside, it looks like
17:04
I'm having a great time. Like we've had just had
17:07
situation just recently where we had some guys acting up and And
17:11
thought it was just a great bald fired, you know, lots of fun to
17:15
rebel and to live on the edge and right guys, we'll even talk
17:18
like that when they're being honest about how I just get
17:21
addicted to the rush of adrenaline.
17:23
I feel when I'm rebelling, it's just, it's like fun and that fun
17:30
is, is artificial. But it is a way that they are
17:36
trying to escape their reality of having to think about their
17:38
circumstance, right? Because the the alternative to
17:41
that is getting maybe really depressed or getting really
17:44
angry so they'll do things to distract themselves but they'll
17:47
also behave in that way so that they can see your response.
17:51
Yeah they're testing their testing the waters.
17:53
You have Tustin where they need to know where that line is and
17:59
can they push you past that line?
18:01
And also that they've already been abandoned once, going back
18:04
to this Primal wound, it's like that question in their mind is
18:09
why. Didn't my mom and dad, give me
18:14
up, was it my fault? A lot of them.
18:15
Think it is their fault that they're a bad kid.
18:18
And so, you know, early on, they start to, it's just this
18:23
self-preservation mode and it's just they're the ones that need
18:27
to take care of themselves and they don't trust anybody, they
18:30
can attach to anybody because they've been abandoned by the
18:34
people primary caregivers who were supposed to be there.
18:37
And so here comes another primary caregiver.
18:41
And like, they can't trust that. So they need to test that and
18:44
push you away. And so, there's this constant
18:47
push and pull where they know what they need.
18:49
They know, they, they need that love and security and they
18:53
cherish that and want that, but are you just gonna set me up to
18:58
fail? You know, that's kind of what's
18:59
going through their head. And so they kind of test those
19:02
boundaries and wanting to push you away.
19:05
It's like that push-pull. I want you near me, but you
19:07
can't get too close. Yeah, like was it all the dog
19:10
named stay? Yeah, Matt talked about wanting
19:13
to always have a nice day. Yes, State say wait, coming and
19:18
erotic, dog. Yeah, says the mixed messages
19:21
that, that we're, that they're putting off, right?
19:25
And, and we can, we can do it as well, but yeah, they're pushing
19:28
you away to see if you'll come close and I would add to that
19:31
Brandon that it's not always conscious and it depends on the
19:36
level of trauma and when it was experienced and how far back it
19:40
goes, but sometimes they're, they know they're doing it a lot
19:43
of times they have no idea because Like we mentioned
19:47
earlier it's that pain was pre. That separation was pre verbal
19:51
so they can't they can't remember what they never had a
19:55
chance to forget. All right?
19:58
And so this pain is going to work itself out in subconscious
20:01
ways and they also when you're going through the process of
20:04
therapy and you're trying to remember the stuff you can't,
20:07
you can't remember the stuff that you never had a chance to
20:10
forget, if that makes sense. If I'm trying to dig back into
20:14
my past to find the thing that's causing the pain.
20:16
Mmm. It's because it can feel so
20:19
fruitless because I can never get to the point where I can
20:21
remember the thing that I have to learn to not forget, right?
20:24
And you get caught in this very difficult, vicious cycle.
20:28
Yeah. As a as an adopted child, trying
20:32
to deal with that pain in that hurt.
20:34
And that's one of the things when the services that we
20:37
provide is, our counselors are are very skilled and in learning
20:40
and how to do that and working with families to get to the root
20:43
of the problem, but it takes, it takes a lotta Out of time.
20:46
Yeah, yeah. You know, one of the things that
20:50
that I've learned just in working in this industry and
20:52
working with families over the years and just understanding a
20:55
little more of their stories and just kids that have been
20:59
adopted. And I think a lot of people
21:03
maybe have the misnomer that hey if I adopt this kid or this baby
21:08
as a baby like early on that, that's going to increase our
21:11
chances of and grow up in a great Christian home and Loving
21:16
siblings and all this and the earlier we get them, you know,
21:19
the better off or better chance that we're going to, you know,
21:22
avoid some of these pitfalls and, you know, that's just not
21:25
true and so it's just, you know, again going back to the way God
21:30
designed. Our upbringing and then the
21:35
family unit and biological mom and dad being too perfect people
21:41
to provide the perfect balance to, to give the rearing of the
21:48
son or daughter and just the nurturing element that they
21:51
need. If that's broken of that bond is
21:53
broken. And there's, there's just
21:55
consequences it's harder for those kids.
21:58
It doesn't mean that there's no reconciliation and like their
22:01
throwaway kids, Or anything like that or you know it's just that
22:05
there's things that we need to realize things, you know, some
22:08
truths that and bonds that are broken, and some losses that are
22:12
there. And we just as a different way
22:14
to handle some of those things, there's just different
22:17
consequences like there's consequences to decisions and
22:21
it's not that they may. It's not that they'll never come
22:24
to that conclusion. Exactly, as a result of being
22:27
adopted and as a result of have an opportunity to be raised by
22:31
this family, you know, as 30 year older 40 year old, you
22:34
realize what a blessing it was but that's not helpful in the
22:38
situation when a kid is rebelling and acting out to
22:41
remind him of all the things that he should be grateful to
22:43
you for, right? That it's just not it's not
22:46
going to work and there are so many stories in the Bible about
22:49
adoption. And it's such a beautiful
22:52
metaphor, an illustration of God's love for us and those are
22:56
tempting to kind of go to when you're drying, the reason and
23:00
use ration and logic with the child, whose Is behaving, which
23:03
is really Dom because he's behaving in an irrational way.
23:06
So logic is not going to work but you're tempted to go there
23:10
and try to use those one thing. Matt said, during the weekend as
23:15
well, the road up on the board and left it there to kind of
23:17
hang and he would occasionally every once in a while.
23:20
One parent was illustrating the point, he would kind of turn
23:24
around to look at it, which I thought was a kind of brilliant
23:26
little stroke head. There we wrote.
23:28
He said, I am not the fourth. Yeah, I am not the forever
23:31
member of the Yeah, you know, there can be a like this savior
23:39
complex, or whatever, a martyr complex that you get as a worker
23:44
in, in this at Wet Stone or a parent who's adopted a child,
23:49
where, you know, I've done all of these things for you and I
23:53
don't see any like appreciation and how can you not understand
23:58
and recognize all that we're doing for you and you never.
24:03
But you just have to like take a step back from that and realize
24:07
it's just that's not going to work right now you know.
24:10
Yeah. With you and Chestnut Checkers
24:12
here at. Yeah.
24:13
Mentioned it earlier about our anger towards them is not gonna
24:23
help help anything with the attachment stuff, you know, with
24:28
them learning how to do relationships.
24:30
Like, the only way they're going to learn how to Create a bond is
24:34
by us, kind of having our house in order, you know?
24:38
So that's one thing is just with as adopted parents or just care
24:42
workers counselors teachers, like the more that you can kind
24:47
of addressed some of the hurts and losses that you've had in
24:52
your past where the you were adopted or not or you know,
24:55
whatever lot we've all had different losses.
24:59
That they have a propensity for bringing those things out and
25:03
us. And so we need to have, we need
25:07
to be secure in our identity, secure in who we are.
25:09
And ultimately that comes from our identity in Christ and being
25:14
able to be that, you know, going back to if you want to go back
25:18
to the solid or just the aircraft carrier analogy.
25:21
It's like you have this huge solid foundation and platform so
25:26
those kids can land. Like we need to be that safe.
25:29
If space and that saves space, I don't like to use for sake.
25:34
We need to be that soft Landing, right?
25:38
But the only way we can do that is to you know we got to have
25:42
know who we are know, what our identity is be able to have be
25:46
in control of our own emotion but that it is tempting because
25:49
it just feels so good. Sometimes, just let a kid have
25:53
it, you know, your son, your daughter.
25:56
You know. We've been there as parents.
25:57
Yeah, you know. Well, there's a time and place
26:00
there's a time, there's a place but it should come out of a, it
26:04
should be like, almost a strategy, something that you're
26:08
in control of and and not something that's in control of
26:12
you. Yeah.
26:13
Yeah. It's doing it.
26:14
It's just like, are you doing it out of anger?
26:17
You doing it out of love. So you can have a Stern talk and
26:20
be very pointed with your words and not meant to words and do it
26:24
out of love, as opposed to being reactive and as soon as most of
26:28
the time, Time. The reactive emotional is right
26:31
when they come back. Let's say from this, you know,
26:34
and land and they've been gone for a while, and just let me
26:37
look at the Prodigal Son Story. I mean, been gone a squander all
26:41
this money and, you know, made his name, you know, mud
26:46
literally and his dad did what, you know.
26:48
He loved them and open arms and didn't have that initial
26:53
reaction, you know, he could have just scored.
26:56
I haven't got to have perspective.
26:57
Yeah, yeah. Yeah we talked about.
26:59
That the last episode just the perspective of, I heard an
27:03
interesting thing about a perspective, I've been teaching
27:05
a class at Pomona Christian bout how to read the Bible.
27:09
And the second installment was it was a video we're watching
27:12
for Mozart Christian College which has a ton of resources.
27:15
If you're interested, just get on YouTube and type in Ozark
27:17
Christian college and they have a series of videos where the
27:20
professor's condense, their lectures into Snippets 10, to 15
27:24
minute excerpts. And the second point about how
27:27
to read the Bible was you have To have humility and reading
27:31
scripture is about having a the right attitude, the right
27:33
mindset when you come to it and he said we all have assumptions
27:38
that we bring to scripture and we all have different
27:39
perspectives and I thought of it because you mentioned the
27:43
prodigal son, his point was that they've done interviews and
27:47
studies of people in America about that they asked him to
27:50
retell the story, The Prodigal Son, and 95% of the people leave
27:53
out the fact that the reason that the Prodigal Son returned.
27:58
Do you remember? Why he returned.
28:01
Why did he come back? Well, he basically said he would
28:05
rather be his father's servant because and he had, he had
28:13
nothing right? He would be easily.
28:15
Rather, he squandered everything.
28:16
What else was going on? Well, he was starving, why?
28:20
Because he was eating pig slop. Why was he eating pig slop?
28:26
I mean I guess it's because there was famine, there was a
28:31
famine in the land. Okay and so when and I didn't I
28:35
didn't really remember that detail either.
28:36
I like you if I hadn't done that I'd been right with you.
28:38
I'm like, okay, if I just wanted his money and he wanted to go
28:42
back but and so they asked people in different parts of the
28:45
world that actually experienced famine to retell the story.
28:49
Exactly the opposite. 95% of them include the fact that there
28:52
was famine in the land and then smaller is money, they came back
28:57
So you your assumptions are related to your experiences.
29:00
Is what I'm saying and your perspective is related to your
29:03
experiences which is important to remember when we, when we
29:06
approach, scripture also important to remember when we're
29:10
trying to communicate with another person, right?
29:13
Or when we're trying to understand why this boy is
29:16
acting out, right? He's acting out because of the
29:18
pain that he's experiencing. It might look like he's having a
29:21
grand old time. He's laughing.
29:22
He's snickering, right? He's being sarcastic.
29:25
He's being rude. And you just want to just write
29:28
inches little head right off, right?
29:31
And just the show, because boss, but in those moments, man, it's
29:35
so hard. But you gotta bite your tongue
29:36
and don't let anger get the best of you.
29:38
And yeah, take a deep breath and and understand that this is a
29:42
working out process. That's going to take a long time
29:46
with adopted kids like a long time.
29:49
Yeah, that well, that goes back to the other principle.
29:54
We talked about last time as well as just the quantity versus
29:58
quality time and it's even more. So in these situations because
30:03
like, you you got to put in the time and and that's to really
30:09
even maybe more. So, you know, when you're
30:12
talking about, you know, this trying to Repair and help them
30:18
this the wound, the loss that's there.
30:21
And again it's not just understanding not shying away
30:25
from any of that and working through that those difficult
30:30
times, that tension learning how to grieve with your son or
30:34
daughter. That's doing that properly like,
30:36
that takes time. And proper perspective, you know
30:39
that I think that's a big thing. With adopted kids is just And
30:45
they're all different. I mean but they all grieve their
30:49
loss differently. As far as you know, they could
30:53
be, there was one story in the book about the author had gone
30:58
to a funeral her best friend, had lost her mom to cancer.
31:04
And so they had taken her to the funerals of family friend but
31:11
she just absolutely lost it at at the old because just these it
31:18
was a triggering thing that she was basically grieving her own
31:23
mom's funeral or if she just felt like I just came out of
31:28
nowhere and she just really had never It just hit her like she
31:33
had no idea and so that was just something that those feelings
31:37
are always there and sometimes they don't know exactly how to
31:42
handle that. And things could come out of
31:44
nowhere that nuns because the adopted parents were just like
31:47
we can't take her to another funeral because of this or that,
31:52
whereas it's actually a good thing.
31:53
You know, it's tough, it's difficult.
31:55
You don't want to see your kid going through that and hurting
31:58
that that much, but that's how grief works.
32:02
I believe. Oh God designed that is to to be
32:04
a Healer. Yeah, not avoid that.
32:06
We talk sometimes around here to about being a safe place to
32:10
detonate. Like if you if you're a bomb
32:15
expert and you it's your job to like make those bombs handle
32:20
them safely, bring them to a place.
32:22
Maybe you can't safely. Unplug all the wires but you can
32:25
bring it to a place and then blow it up there.
32:27
No one gets hurt. Our guys are doing that every
32:31
every day. Every week, you know it some of
32:34
the explosions are small, some of them are really big right?
32:37
But we're an environment where those things can happen and
32:40
we're boys won't be shamed as a result.
32:44
Now there be consequences right here need to be tough talks or
32:46
need to be boundaries. We're not saying that we should
32:50
do away with that any of that and just just be a pushover but
32:58
we don't usually are on that side here at Whetstone I would
33:01
say and Probably them. I don't know it's half and half.
33:05
I guess with families that come to us 1/2 or too extreme on the
33:08
side of consequences and boundaries and you will behave.
33:11
We're Half are too extreme on the other side and what we try
33:14
and do is kind of get them to get the right balance of those
33:16
two things and to set them up for success in life, right?
33:20
Yeah. I mean, that's the heart fast,
33:23
flexibles that we always talk about is there's no, there's no
33:27
black and white. If a lot of this and every boy
33:30
is different and every family's different and adoption.
33:37
Issues that arise are a little bit different and maybe more
33:40
intense than some of the others that are when we're dealing with
33:43
just biological kids and behaviors.
33:46
And so it presents a challenge for sure.
33:50
But I think the overarching theme with some of these this
33:55
idea in general of of adoption and just the tension.
33:59
We're talking about is not being afraid of that tension and have
34:03
the courage to have the tough conversations.
34:07
And and understand that that's how we learn.
34:11
That's really, that's the sharpening process.
34:14
You know, when we're looking at just the name of what stone and
34:18
iron sharpening Iron Men, sharpening men and being able to
34:23
speak and do our child's life. Sometimes dip in those difficult
34:29
times where we apply that pressure, that is hard, but it's
34:33
good because it's time. It's because there's going to
34:36
light up, there's going to be some Sparks, it's going to be a
34:38
fire. Another phrase that Matt
34:41
introduced me to, is the idea that intensity equals intimacy
34:45
with adopted kids, because they've learned how to connect
34:50
in the moments of tension because tension has been their
34:55
life. So it's It's post-traumatic
34:57
stress is similar Works in a similar function as my body,
35:01
just adjust to this intensity and the body doesn't forget the
35:04
body keeps score. They're both the books and
35:07
speakers to talk about these Concepts but you just you
35:09
remember that this is a this is the intensity here, isn't it is
35:13
an attempt to create intimacy with me and we have to fix this,
35:17
this can't continue but it's not a pushing away.
35:21
It's a moving towards and you just got to kind of sometimes
35:26
put up with a drama and work through it and and they're also
35:28
teenagers know teenagers of drama.
35:31
I mean, right? And they and their best days in
35:33
the healthiest families. There's so much drama.
35:36
It's like they're learning how to do life and it's the first
35:39
time they've experienced that this law for this anger or this
35:43
hate, or this excitement. It's so much, it's so
35:45
overwhelming for them. And when you are dealing with a
35:48
kid, who has just a disconnect and really Poor history with
35:56
dealing with his emotions. It's a can be explosive.
36:00
Yeah, but you said a statement there, it was funny.
36:04
You said, we have to fix this and some of the, there's some
36:11
things I think for adopted parents to help understand.
36:13
I think we have the idea of especially as men, we want to
36:18
fix things. So for adopted parents early on
36:24
Ben them, understand and I think a good tool is just to know that
36:31
you're you. Again there's a loss that was
36:33
there, it's not your fault and you're not going to fix this.
36:36
Like there's this Primal wound that's going to be there
36:39
forever, but it doesn't mean that you like that's not going
36:42
to go away or they're certain feelings that are just there.
36:45
And it's just like, I mean, if you have your arm amputated like
36:50
you're changed forever, right? Doesn't mean you're not going to
36:54
be A do a ton of things and be a member of society and have a
36:59
family and have great relationships.
37:01
It's just that like, there's my new normal and it's getting to
37:05
the spot of understanding that, hey, that is frustrating.
37:10
And I need people around me to help the kind of get me through
37:13
this particular thing and help. Give me the tools but I'm not
37:16
going to like acknowledge or or act like it's not there.
37:21
You know I can't just fix your arm you know, there's things we
37:24
can do to make Better but it's by think his parents to just
37:29
from those. Those kids in adopted situations
37:32
is just to have that perspective again that it is what it is and
37:37
we're going to we're going to get through this thing and
37:39
there's it's going to take time and we're going to because God
37:44
is a redeemer of and can reconcile those things and he
37:49
put that I mean there's a reason you adopted him or her and Put
37:55
you God, put you in their life and to teach you lessons and for
37:58
you to teach them lessons and he may put you there to be an
38:03
aircraft carrier you know, right.
38:06
Very important role. So hopefully that's helpful to
38:11
you if you're in this situation or even if you're just a parent
38:15
of a teenager to remember that, you know, my teenagers are at
38:18
that stage where they're getting my driver's licenses and they're
38:22
going and doing stuff. That makes me Nervous.
38:25
Not because it's bad because I'm not used to it.
38:27
And yeah there later and they go further and you know there's
38:31
curfews and whoo. Gotta let go like God, right?
38:35
But they're gonna come back and I'm going to be there when they
38:37
return. So remember that.
38:41
Yeah, well this is good for me Brandon.
38:43
I needed to hear some of this as a parent and also is a employee
38:46
of Whetstone with some of the situations that we have to deal
38:50
with on a daily basis to not lose our temper.
38:52
And to remember, it's not about About me, right?
38:55
And said, working out of a process dealing with pain and to
38:59
see that big picture. So thanks for being here to talk
39:01
to me about that. Remind me of those things.
39:03
Yeah, Jason Whittingham one of our employees here.
39:07
He put a sign up as a for employees as a reminder, says
39:12
Q-tip quit. Taking it personal.
39:16
Yeah, you know. So those again, it's not about
39:20
it's not about us and it's just working through together.
39:23
They're not We're not the reason although sometimes they like to
39:28
make us feel that way. And one last thing I want to say
39:31
is just I thought about with this aircraft carrier analogy.
39:35
I mean you read through the the Old Testament and just the
39:39
Israelites you know, how often was God an aircraft carrier, you
39:43
know for them either come back to God and realize oh we've
39:47
sinned this is you know a horrible thing that we've done
39:50
God hears their prayers, they cry out and He comes through for
39:55
them and then they fly off again.
39:58
Go create some idols and go do their thing and it's just a
40:01
cycle, you know? So it reminded me of just those
40:05
stories and how God is an aircraft carrier for us.
40:08
Yeah. Well thanks Brandon.
40:11
Thank you for listening to the time to sharpen.
40:13
Thanks to Thomas Brown. Man, of many cats.
40:18
I thought the any more than two it has he gotten more or I don't
40:21
know. We should talk to him.
40:22
How many cats he's had in his lifetime.
40:24
But I think he has to right now. It sounds like 12 when they're
40:28
running above are my table of your office?
40:30
Yeah, he's watched my cat for me.
40:33
Lou Wildcat, what a guy we were gone for a couple weeks and he
40:37
was great to do that. I feel like there's a scene in a
40:42
big fish where Danny DeVito promises Ewan McGregor.
40:48
Like he promises to tell him? One thing about this girl that
40:51
he's fallen in love with. Have you seen the movie?
40:53
No, he's not. Fish, he worked for me for one
40:56
year, I don't get out much it work in the circus for one year.
40:59
And I'll tell you one thing about this, girl, that he's
41:00
trying to figure out, right? He's like, at the end of the
41:03
first year, he's like she loves daffodils, right?
41:06
And then the second year is of, like she goes to college, right?
41:11
And he gets it gets a whole year of work.
41:13
Out of. If I tell them, one thing about
41:14
this girl, which is like incredibly romantic, but feel
41:18
like I should do something like that with Tom.
41:20
Like so you guys are Thomas, you get to know him like Thomas.
41:24
He loves t-shirts as an odd collection of really interesting
41:30
like t-shirts, you know, Tom is what we call indoors.
41:36
He's not a big guy for ticks and chiggers.
41:39
Do you think so getting Outdoors, right?
41:42
As Gaffigan says, you know, it's like there's no such thing as
41:45
happy. Campers.
41:46
Everybody's always talking about happy cameras.
41:49
They're just miserable, right? Which is like, God has a sense
41:52
of humor, because Thomas awesome and we love having him.
41:57
But like if I were creating a profile of the person that would
41:59
work here at Whetstone and all of our recruiting efforts are
42:03
geared towards, it's in the wilderness and you can do all
42:06
the Venture program outdoor sounds cattle.
42:09
Yeah and Tom can work his way through some of that stuff but
42:12
it's not what makes him tick, right?
42:13
But God brought him here no reason.
42:15
So thank you Thomas for. All right we're about to hear
42:19
fighting those battles and taking the brunt of a lot of the
42:22
pain that these boys are working.
42:23
Through late night talk. Yeah, these pronouns, keep up
42:26
the good work attaboy. I'm just over with Talent.
42:31
All right. All right.
42:32
And thank you again for listening.
42:33
We'll talk to you next time. On a time to sharpen.
42:35
All right. Take care axle.
42:44
What's Down, Boys Ranch is a therapeutic.
42:46
Boarding school located in a Scenic Ozarks southern Missouri.
42:50
It was founded in 2011 to serve families from around.
42:53
The country who are struggling with challenging behaviors from
42:56
their 12, to 16 year old Sons, our mission is to sharpen the
43:00
character of young men. Please visit Whetstone Boys,
43:04
Ranch.com if you want to learn more about our program or about
43:07
how to contact us for help, thanks for listening and we hope
43:11
to catch you next time on a time to sharpen.