Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E47 - Only Child, Big Questions: Navigating Screen Time, Co-Parenting, and Sleep

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S2E47 - Only Child, Big Questions: Navigating Screen Time, Co-Parenting, and Sleep · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
• 0:03
  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:09
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
• 0:10
  The Kid Counselor.
• 0:11
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:15
  awareness,
• 0:15
  and enlightenment about your parenting
• 0:17
  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:20
  In today's episode,
• 0:20
  I am answering a question from Jillian in Colorado.
• 0:24
  Hello to you Coloradans.
• 0:26
  I hope that's how you say it.
• 0:27
  My cousin actually lives in Colorado,
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  so he'll probably let me know if I did not
• 0:33
  accurately portray that.
• 0:35
  But this actually this is kind of a multi-question
• 0:38
  email.
• 0:39
  So I'm going to tackle kind of three topics all lumped into one
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  because this is all
• 0:46
  coming from Jillian and just some different things that she's curious about.
• 0:50
  So I'm going to read parts of her email and then we'll dive in together.
• 0:54
  Jillian,
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  thank you for sending this.
• 0:57
  And by the way,
• 0:57
  for those of you that are
• 0:58
  possibly new to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family,
• 1:02
  really glad you're here.
• 1:03
  Happy to have you.
• 1:04
  Thank you for those of you who are potentially hearing about
• 1:09
  me and the podcast from your own child-centered play therapist.
• 1:12
  I know many of you have your children in child-centered play therapy.
• 1:15
  So we're really glad you're here.
• 1:17
  This is a group of parents and caregivers and adults who absolutely love kids
• 1:23
  and who want to be educated and equipped
• 1:26
  to be confident and effective in the way that they interact with kids.
• 1:30
  So you have found a tribe
• 1:32
  that very much understands the goal of being the best that we can be.
• 1:37
  If you have not
• 1:38
  and you're new,
• 1:39
  please.
• 1:41
  Be mindful that we have two different seasons.
• 1:44
  So if you want to go back and listen to season 1,
• 1:47
  all kinds of content there,
• 1:48
  it will definitely get you caught up on the model if you're unfamiliar,
• 1:52
  and then season two we kind of did
• 1:54
  a coaching
• 1:56
  switch where I actually walk you through all
• 1:58
  of the components of CCPT child-centered play therapy,
• 2:02
  and give you kind of a background in the core components of that and then also
• 2:08
  questions from parents.
• 2:09
  So just to kinda get you caught up to speed,
• 2:11
  for those of you that do,
• 2:12
  I know there are new listeners every single week,
• 2:15
  and I'm very,
• 2:15
  very excited to have you and thanks for hanging out with me every week.
• 2:19
  All right,
• 2:19
  so let me read parts of Jillian's email and then we'll dive in together.
• 2:23
  I'm a parent of an only child like you.
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  Do you have any additional advice when you raise a child without a sibling?
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  I have wrongfully justified allowing her more screen time,
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  as she has no siblings to play with when I am not playing with her,
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  as Mom guilt sinks in,
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  and I can't and shouldn't be available to play with her all day long.
• 2:42
  All right,
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  so to those of you raising only children focus out there.
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  I do 100% know what it is like to raise an only child.
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  Our son will be 16 in a couple of months,
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  which is crazy to say out loud.
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  That was,
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  I was actually thinking about that like a couple days ago.
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  I'm like,
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  I'm gonna have a 16 year old.
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  This is crazy.
• 2:58
  Anyway,
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  so time goes fast,
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  y'all,
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  cherish the moments because it's gone in the blink of an eye.
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  I actually just yesterday celebrated my 23rd wedding anniversary.
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  And I was thinking about that.
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  I was like,
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  23 years of marriage,
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  that's like 9000 days.
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  And then I'm like,
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  well,
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  gosh,
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  I almost have a 16 year old.
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  That's like 7000 days.
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  So anyway,
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  I was just processing how long I've been with my husband and had my son,
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  and it has gone so fast,
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  even though I know those are big numbers.
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  So just,
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  you know,
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  food for thought,
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  that's pondering in my brain,
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  but I am raising an only child,
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  moral of that story,
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  and there are nuances there because when you raise multiple
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  siblings,
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  you have the luxury of saying go play,
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  and they have people to play with.
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  So therefore,
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  you know,
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  you can say,
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  hey,
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  adults need to talk,
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  you need to go play,
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  and they can occupy each other and they can be each other's companions,
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  and they can have someone to play a board game with or to role play with or to swim with
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  or whatever the scenario is,
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  and when you raise an only child,
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  you don't have that luxury.
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  Therefore,
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  you do become
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  the only child's primary playmate.
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  However,
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  I agree with you,
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  you cannot and should not be available to play with her all day long.
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  So as much as
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  we are the only option and therefore we need to make ourselves available,
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  we also need to have limits and boundaries
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  on I cannot be available to you at every waking moment of the day.
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  So that's where boundaries come in,
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  that's where structure and a schedule are very helpful.
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  So one of the things that a lot of parents have found helpful
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  is to create structure in the day so that the
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  child knows when it is individual playtime and when it is
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  collaborative playtime.
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  And this is true even if you have multiple children,
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  by the way.
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  I mean,
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  you can still structure your day where,
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  OK,
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  so this is an hour where everyone's going to do something independently.
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  You can read,
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  you can color,
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  you can draw,
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  you can listen to music,
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  you can play with your stuffed animals,
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  but everyone is going to have some independent time.
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  And then then you can schedule times where there are collaborative opportunities.
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  Same thing with an only child.
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  So
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  from this time to this time,
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  you can choose to do this,
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  this and this,
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  and it's by yourself,
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  and then from this time to this time,
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  you can choose for me to play with you or
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  you can choose to continue to play by yourself.
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  It's up to you.
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  And you work in times where you get breaks,
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  the child gets breaks,
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  and then that actually allows the best of both.
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  So I know that mom is available to me
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  throughout the day,
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  but I also learned to occupy myself,
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  entertain myself,
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  and figure out what I can do when
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  I'm alone.
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  So that has been very helpful for a lot of parents raising only children.
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  And that is a pretty helpful solution for that kind of scenario.
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  You want balance above all.
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  OK,
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  second question.
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  This question is regarding co-parenting.
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  I just finished your book and I'm trying to implement
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  the strategies I learned from there in your podcasts.
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  However,
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  even if I tell her dad what I'm doing at home,
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  I have no optimism that he will limit screen
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  time or use the same techniques that I use.
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  Do you have any advice or thoughts about utilizing
• 6:23
  your strategies when the other parent is not?
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  When she goes to his house on summer days,
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  most of the time is spent watching TV movies or playing video games.
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  He even brings her a video game in the car,
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  so she has something to do on the 20 minute ride to his house,
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  and even her 17 year old half sister finds that ridiculous.
• 6:41
  Well,
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  it's helpful to have a wise 17 year old.
• 6:46
  All right,
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  so what do we do when we're in a co-parenting situation and one parent
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  is not going to be on board with what you're doing in your home?
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  And this is not necessarily exclusive just to implementing video game limits.
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  This can be literally about anything.
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  So most often when children go back and forth between homes
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  there.
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  There is a difference in parenting,
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  there is a difference in expectations.
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  There's a difference in adherence to specific
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  rules and limits and all of that.
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  That is a very standard
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  struggle
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  when kids are going back and forth.
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  So Jillian,
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  in answer to your question,
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  you
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  will make it clear what the expectations are in your home,
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  and then you make it clear that when she's at dad's,
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  the expectations are likely going to be different.
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  As long as the child is aware
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  that
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  the rules change based on the environment,
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  and this is standard for kids,
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  we have to keep this in mind because we often
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  don't like the fact that there isn't consistency across
• 7:46
  two parents.
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  However,
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  kids learn very quickly
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  that rules change based on the environment.
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  They don't think that the school rules should apply at home.
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  They don't think the home rules should apply at church.
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  They don't think the church rules should apply at baseball.
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  They're very quick to adapt and understand
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  that I need to abide by these expectations in this environment
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  and then they'll be different expectations when I'm here
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  and then when I'm elsewhere it's this.
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  So that's actually a very normal part of childhood
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  is that from place to place
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  the limits are different and the rules change.
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  So that is also going to apply with a scenario like this.
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  So you're going,
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  she's with you most of the time.
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  So you actually are going to be able to govern her
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  device use and her video games and her TV and all of that
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  largely
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  for her
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  childhood because she spends most of her time with you.
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  And when she's at dad's,
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  is she going to get
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  probably a whole lot of all of it?
• 8:48
  Sure.
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  But you make sure that you are adherent to your policies in your home.
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  And you enforce
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  the limits that you've established,
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  and then
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  it's kind of just like
• 9:00
  free for all bonus time when she goes to dad's,
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  but then when she comes back to you,
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  we're right back on the expectations that have already been established.
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  So I hope that that's helpful regarding co-parenting.
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  And then final question,
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  for at least the past year,
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  she has not wanted to sleep in her own room and bed.
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  She's decided she would rather sleep in her sleeping bag outside my door
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  or on the floor next to me than in her bed.
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  When she did stay overnight at her dad's,
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  she stayed in her bed there just fine,
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  but will sneak into my room when sleeping here.
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  We disagreed a lot,
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  and her play therapist told me to let her sleep on the floor.
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  She justified that she will eventually sleep in her bed again when she's ready,
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  and she sleeps well on the floor and says
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  she feels the safest when she's closest to me.
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  I'm hoping one day soon I will look back at this and laugh.
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  Yes,
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  Gillian,
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  I'm sure you will.
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  This too shall pass.
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  Put the power to
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  that phrase at work in your life.
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  Besides it's looking like I have a homeless child outside my door every night,
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  her bedtimes are so much easier.
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  We do our routine with hygiene,
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  reading,
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  prayers,
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  and then she reads independently in her sleeping bag for a little bit
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  before sleeping through most of the night.
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  She will often end up in my room because the extra 5 ft from outside
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  my door to my bed is too far for her to be away from me.
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  I cannot think of why her separation anxiety has lasted so long.
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  I can't recall any significant changes.
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  I can't think of anything else that affects her.
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  All right,
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  so I think I'm gonna start with the last part first.
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  I don't actually think this is a separation anxiety issue.
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  I think this is an anxiety issue.
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  In other words,
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  I think she probably
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  has heightened anxiety at night because most kids do.
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  It is quiet.
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  It is dark.
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  You are alone with your thoughts.
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  There's nothing to distract you.
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  You hear every sound.
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  You have all kinds of thoughts swimming around in your head,
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  and it is very easy for kids to not be able
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  to tune out the worry and the anxiety at night.
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  Everything is exacerbated at night.
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  Not only
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  are all the reasons I already shared factors,
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  but then kids are tired on top of it.
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  So you add fatigue into the mix of all of that.
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  Everything feels and seems worse at night.
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  So we understand that when kids are prone to anxiety anyway
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  and or they have fears
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  just because
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  life is scary and almost every kid has fears,
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  everything seems worse at night and what do kids quickly learn?
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  Well,
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  I feel better when I'm with mom.
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  Mom reassures me,
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  Mom comforts me,
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  Mom makes me feel safe.
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  Mom helps me fall back asleep.
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  So what likely happened as just an organic response.
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  She was scared,
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  she came in your room,
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  you helped her feel a little bit safe and secure,
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  she fell back asleep.
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  It has now become a habitual pattern of behavior.
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  And I agree with your play therapist.
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  She won't sleep on the floor forever,
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  and she will be able to sleep in her own bed.
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  Same thing with toileting and and potty training stuff.
• 11:59
  I say to parents all the time,
• 12:01
  your child's not going to start high school,
• 12:03
  still peeing themselves.
• 12:05
  I know this feels so overwhelming right now,
• 12:07
  but I promise you when they are 15 years old starting high school,
• 12:11
  you're,
• 12:11
  they're not going to be having bathroom accidents anymore.
• 12:14
  Same thing,
• 12:14
  your kid is not going to sleep outside your door forever.
• 12:17
  But for right now
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  it's habitual,
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  it's conditioned,
• 12:21
  it's a pattern of behavior
• 12:23
  and it is likely to alleviate anxiety.
• 12:25
  I don't know that it's separation anxiety.
• 12:28
  I think it is likely just
• 12:30
  good old run of the mill anxiety,
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  so that's my thought on that part,
• 12:34
  however.
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  What do you need to think about or or consider as far as her being outside?
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  One of the most effective things that you can do
• 12:44
  is set an expectation down the road.
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  I've talked about that this in some other podcast episodes.
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  You might want to say.
• 12:52
  I know that you've been sleeping in a sleeping bag outside my door for a while.
• 12:56
  But I just want you to know
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  that
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  in January,
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  or
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  At Christmas break.
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  Or when school starts up,
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  or at your birthday,
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  whatever months down the road,
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  at least several months down the road,
• 13:13
  date that you can think of
• 13:15
  that would make sense to say this is the day when things are going to change.
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  If you prep kids for that.
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  I know typically you sleep outside my door in the sleeping bag,
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  but when you turn 8,
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  or when you start 3rd grade,
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  or
• 13:30
  when we
• 13:32
  get to the first day of 2026,
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  whatever the date you choose.
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  You're capable of sleeping in your own bed
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  and you are old enough to do that and we're going to switch
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  to you staying in your own bed to sleep from that point forward.
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  You just let them know
• 13:49
  they need time to process it,
• 13:50
  they need time to think about it,
• 13:52
  they need time to ask questions,
• 13:53
  to feel their big feelings,
• 13:55
  to feel prepared
• 13:57
  to
• 13:57
  work through it.
• 13:58
  It's a change.
• 14:00
  And kids can handle change if they have warning and time.
• 14:03
  They absolutely detest change if it's sprung on them.
• 14:07
  So the most helpful thing you can do is to just let her know that at a certain time,
• 14:11
  this change is going to take place.
• 14:14
  And you put policies in place,
• 14:17
  you know,
• 14:17
  you can choose to have something special in your room.
• 14:21
  You can choose to have something special in your bed.
• 14:23
  We can redecorate your room,
• 14:25
  we can get you a new night light,
• 14:27
  we can,
• 14:28
  you give all kinds of choices.
• 14:31
  And you make the child
• 14:33
  have a sense,
• 14:34
  feel that they have a sense of control
• 14:37
  over the new scenario.
• 14:39
  This isn't being sprung on them.
• 14:41
  You can choose to have a new night light,
• 14:42
  you can choose to have a new stuffed animal,
• 14:44
  you can choose to get new sheets,
• 14:46
  you can choose to have a new picture on the wall,
• 14:48
  whatever.
• 14:50
  It's so that they feel that they have a measure of control over what's taking place.
• 14:54
  And then when the day comes,
• 14:56
  whatever that day was established,
• 14:58
  you say,
• 14:58
  OK.
• 14:59
  You know that today is the day that you're sleeping in your own bed from now on.
• 15:04
  And is there going to be a little bit of a learning curve?
• 15:07
  Yes,
• 15:08
  but she has had plenty of prep,
• 15:10
  plenty of adjustment time,
• 15:12
  and she will be able to do it.
• 15:14
  Keep in mind play therapy will also help,
• 15:16
  so I know that she's been in play therapy
• 15:18
  and that will also give her increased self-confidence,
• 15:21
  decrease anxiety,
• 15:23
  increased regulation.
• 15:25
  Increase emotional vocabulary,
• 15:26
  all kinds of other things.
• 15:27
  So we know that she will be better equipped
• 15:30
  to make that transition
• 15:31
  after she's been in play therapy longer as well.
• 15:34
  So you do your part of preparing her and giving her time to process it.
• 15:39
  Therapy does its part by helping her to
• 15:42
  work on all of those things,
• 15:44
  and then will there be maybe several nights where it's kind
• 15:47
  of a little bit topsy-turvy and she's waking up and she's
• 15:49
  trying to come into your room and you're walking her back
• 15:51
  reminding her that she sleeps in her own bed now?
• 15:54
  Yes,
• 15:54
  but it will not be like it was before.
• 15:57
  Where there were all kinds of disagreements and all kinds of issues,
• 16:01
  it will be an easier transition because you set it up for success.
• 16:06
  So Jillian,
• 16:06
  I'm so grateful that you emailed and I'm hopeful
• 16:09
  that those are helpful to all of you because
• 16:12
  we
• 16:13
  all are dealing with setting boundaries with the
• 16:16
  schedule of when we're available to our kids.
• 16:18
  We're all dealing with
• 16:20
  scenarios where the child is struggling with an issue
• 16:23
  and we have to put things into place,
• 16:25
  and many of you,
• 16:26
  I know,
• 16:27
  are dealing with co-parenting,
• 16:28
  so
• 16:29
  I'm hopeful that
• 16:30
  one or more of those resonated with you and you took away some nuggets.
• 16:34
  I appreciate you all so much.
• 16:35
  Thanks for hanging out with me.
• 16:36
  We'll talk again soon.
• 16:37
  Bye.
• 16:39
  Thank you for listening to
• 16:40
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 16:44
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 16:47
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.