Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep8: Daughter's Dating Diaries 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep8: Daughter's Dating Diaries 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: My daughter called me the other day and she's like I just met a boy.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, why?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're born here, you don't need a green card.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, mom, he's really nice.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Who needs nice?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: We need rich.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, mom, hear me out.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: He's an engineering major.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: I said, okay, I'm listening.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: He's from Connecticut.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Fine, go on.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: His mom is the head of development at HPO.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I said, he's got potential.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a third kid.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: I forget about him sometimes.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what to say about him.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really know him.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the nanny says he's perfect.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: But in our house, we don't use the word nanny.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: We call her auntie.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because this way she can sit in for us at parent teacher conferences, at doctor appointments, at college graduations.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: But speaking of college, I have to tell you, I have uncovered the world's biggest scam.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Did you guys know that in this country the parents don't get to decide what the kid's gonna study?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: You all knew this?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I really thought when my kid goes to college, I will call the college up.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I will say, Com sci one, com sci two, go.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: She wants to have some fun.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: I understand that.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Give her one class in chemistry.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: It does not work that way.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: They're so rude, they'd hang up on me.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I had to call my kid and ask her.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what are you enrolled in?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: What are you studying?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Are you guys ready for this?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Ceramics.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Eighty thousand dollars to learn how to make clay pots?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know who else makes clay pots?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Villagers in India.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because they have nothing else to do.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: My kid is in Palo Alto, the epicenter of technology, making clay pots.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Why am I being punished, Ganesh?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how bad something has to be when the nice white guy in the audience is like, oh no?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: And now I have an update on this situation, and you guys are gonna think I'm making it up.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not, I'm telling you the truth.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I just found out that she's required to take a class in wellness.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: So she's enrolled in meditation.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Which costs extra.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: While she's meditating, I'm gonna go have a stroke.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm an immigrant parent in America.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard for me to raise my kids here.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you why.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because here, people like to do dangerous things just for fun.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Just for the thrill of it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: They like to go sliding down mountains, fall out of airplanes, dive into oceans.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just for the thrill of it.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Back home, when I wanted to experience the thrill, I drank tap water.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Now my son wants to go bungee jumping.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Could you imagine?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: My son?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: My daughter, whatever.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, no, you can't go.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, why not?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: My friend Scott went.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Scott.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: He put a photo on Instagram.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Scott should go bungee jumping.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Scott has a B in math.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: He has nowhere to go but up.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: You want to put a photo on Instagram?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Take a picture of your GPA.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And you know the other thing that has us immigrant parents really confused is this modern parenting trend in America right now.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: People trying to be friends with their kids.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone know what I'm talking about?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I know brown people are like, what?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's a thing.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's a thing here.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: There are parents in this country right now telling their kids, don't worry about your grades.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry about your job.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: You be happy.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: If you are happy, we are happy.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, be happy.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Who's heard that song?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: You've heard that song?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: That would never be an Indian song.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Our song would be Don't Happy.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Be worried! And there is so much to worry about.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Let me share a statistic because I'm nothing if I don't have a statistic for you.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Last year, six out of eight spelling bee champions in America were Indian.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Our community was devastated.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: They were like 75%.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's a C.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: A C is for chiropractor.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: That is not a doctor! And you know when I make these jokes, people ask me, they're like, how can you be so strict and old-fashioned?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: You're a comedian.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but my kids don't know I do this.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: I leave my house in scrubs.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: My LinkedIn profile says Mount Sinai! Okay, I was kidding about that.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: They do know what I do, and it's all because of Zoom.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: The last few years I did a lot of shows on Zoom.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: How many people here are still working on Zoom?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: A little bit, right?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: At least a little.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Then a few months into it, you took a little bite on the side.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Then a few more months, a little drinky drinky.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're like, I'm just gonna take a shower.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Keep the door open.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I did a lot of shows for Indian families, Indian events, and in those shows, I would have a lot of Indian uncles.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now in America, we've heard a lot about Indian aunties.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: But can we take a minute and talk about Indian uncles?
• 8:12
  unknown: Yes?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: So this is how the Zoom would open up with like a hundred little windows and all these Indian uncles in them looking at me like this.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: As if to say who is this woman and why is she talking?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then while I was doing my set, the chat room would be fired up.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the chat room that we could all read, including me.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: She's not funny.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's not funny.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, maybe she's a little funny.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: No, you can imagine these Indian uncles, right, walking around with their hands.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Hands behind their back, belly protruding out.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: As if they're all doing hospital rounds.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: But really, they're just at a garage sale.