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S3E29 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Internalizing Behaviors (When Kids Keep It All Inside) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing with the Parent Companion series,
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  and we have been in the seven most consistent behaviors
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  for which children enter CCPT.
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  So we've kind of been looking at those one by one,
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  and today we are on internalizing behaviors.
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  Last week we covered externalizing behaviors,
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  and as promised,
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  we're going to flip that and we're going to talk about kids that
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  keep everything inside.
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  So
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  sometimes they fly under the radar because it's easier to focus on the kids that
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  show you
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  how difficult things are for them,
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  but it does not make it any less difficult for the
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  kids that keep it to themselves and they stuff things.
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  So I want to kind of unpack what that looks like and then also how
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  CCPT addresses that in the playroom.
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  So.
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  We talked a lot about externalizing behaviors last week,
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  and I think that's a helpful comparison
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  because we know that a child
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  that is an externalizer
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  is going to make it very clear.
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  What they're thinking and feeling
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  when they need something
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  and they don't get it,
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  they show visibly
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  that they are angry,
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  they're upset,
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  they feel betrayed,
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  they are frustrated,
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  whatever's going on.
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  And what happens with externalizing kids is
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  the longer it goes,
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  the more they escalate
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  the externalizing.
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  So what once started as just a small tantrum.
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  ends up into
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  a massive tantrum down the road
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  because they have to keep raising the bar
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  to
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  get their needs met
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  to ensure that they can get their needs met essentially.
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  OK,
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  so,
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  let's talk about the opposite of that.
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  So,
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  you have internalizing kids.
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  Where
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  they feel
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  just as deeply,
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  they are often just as sensitive.
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  We talk about sometimes externalizeers are the big feelers.
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  Often internalizeers are big feelers too.
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  They just feel things very deeply
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  and very quietly,
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  but the feelings are just as big.
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  And that's why I said that sometimes they don't get the help that they need.
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  Because
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  we don't see
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  the struggle,
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  but it is very evident
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  when you understand that they're just keeping it all to themselves.
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  So these big feelings,
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  these deep feelers
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  that stuff things,
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  this is how it typically goes.
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  They
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  have been conditioned
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  that they have to
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  notice the imperative there.
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  They have to
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  keep things
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  under control.
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  Internalizeers are often in families with externalizezers.
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  So there's already someone
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  that blows up.
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  There's already someone that tantrums.
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  There's already someone that has meltdowns,
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  and kids learn they all have a different role,
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  and those roles are usually pretty distinct.
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  So therefore,
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  if
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  my brother or my sister or someone already
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  kind of loses it and falls apart,
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  I can't be that kid.
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  Sometimes this is self-imposed,
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  sometimes this is pressure,
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  and I think sometimes we don't realize that we do this,
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  but oftentimes it's parent-imposed pressure.
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  So
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  we'll say things like,
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  thank you for never giving me the grief that your brother does.
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  Or
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  thank you that you always stay in control and you don't hit me.
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  Or
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  I appreciate it that you will just tell me what you need instead of
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  screaming and throwing yourselves on the floor
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  while you kick.
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  So what that implies and what that communicates is,
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  I need you to keep yourself in check and I need you to hold things together.
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  So often internalizeers feel like they can't.
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  Let themselves express their feelings.
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  That the best thing to do is to keep it under wraps.
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  This is also true
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  in children that have learned that their needs aren't going to get met anyway.
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  So a lot of times kids start out showing their emotions,
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  expressing their emotions,
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  making their needs known,
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  and they realize
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  I never get my needs met anyway.
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  So what's the point?
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  So they start to just
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  keep it inside.
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  Well,
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  here's what happens over time.
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  You stuff things
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  and you hold things,
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  and you feel these deep things and there's nowhere for
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  them to go because you just keep them all inside.
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  I liken it to a spool
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  that I don't know how many of you all sew or if you're familiar with sewing machines.
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  I grew up sewing and I quilt,
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  and
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  so
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  this is my analogy.
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  You might have to come up with one for your own that makes a little more sense to you,
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  but
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  when you have a bobbin on the sewing machine,
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  It's supposed to work with the appropriate amount of tension.
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  So you thread
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  all the way through,
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  all the way down.
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  It has to go around and down and up and through the needle and whatever.
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  And so,
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  you set tension in your thread on the machine.
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  And if everything is
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  the way it is supposed to be,
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  everything works.
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  But sometimes the tension gets messed up
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  and the string gets so tight and the needle keeps going and then therefore
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  there's not enough space.
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  The thread breaks.
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  And it's because the bobbin is spinning
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  on the spool at the top,
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  and it gets tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter,
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  and then the tension is too much and the thread snaps.
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  That's how I liken internalizing kids
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  because what often happens is
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  they can hold it together and hold it together and hold it together,
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  and you think that they're fine and you
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  think that they're regulated and things seem calm,
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  and then out of the blue,
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  they just lose it.
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  And it's not in an externalizing way.
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  They usually break down.
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  They
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  sob,
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  they cry,
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  they are overwhelmed.
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  They're devastated.
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  This massive avalanche of stuff
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  comes pouring out of them,
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  but they're probably not going to be the ones that throw and kick and hit and spit
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  and all these things
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  because they're an internalizer,
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  but it has to go somewhere,
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  and it's like,
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  OK,
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  you know what,
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  the dam broke and here it all comes.
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  And it's almost always this deep well and reservoir of emotions.
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  And so
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  the internalizing kids
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  are kind of a rollercoaster in a different way,
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  because you're externalizing kids,
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  they go from high highs to low lows.
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  You're,
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  so you can imagine kind of those big spikes.
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  The internalizing kids,
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  they're kind of on relatively level ground
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  until they plummet,
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  and then they have to come back up.
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  And then they're on relatively level ground until they plummet again,
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  just as dysfunctional,
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  just as taxing on the nervous system,
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  just as emotionally laden.
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  It's just a different approach.
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  So what does that look like in the playroom?
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  Well,
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  we talk about this all the time,
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  and I've mentioned it many times in
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  all of the series of the parenting podcast.
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  Everything about
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  therapy in general,
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  but specifically child-centered play therapy
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  is about balance.
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  We're always seeking balance.
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  children are seeking balance.
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  So I can't have all the power,
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  I can't have none of the power.
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  I can't be good all the time.
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  I can't be bad all the time.
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  So the extremes
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  converge and we find the center,
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  which is usually
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  contented and calm.
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  So similarly,
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  just like the externalizeers like we talked about last week,
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  they learned to regulate.
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  Internalizeers learn to express themselves.
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  They learn to communicate.
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  They learn to let people know what's going on.
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  And that comes from the emotional vocabulary build,
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  obviously,
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  but it also comes from
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  assertiveness.
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  If you think about the passive aggressive spectrum,
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  as I said,
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  everything is a spectrum.
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  You have externalizeers that tend to be pretty aggressive.
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  Internalizeers tend to be very passive.
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  Neither of those extremes are healthy.
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  Assertive is in the middle.
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  And so what happens is the internalizer that thinks,
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  I can't let anyone know how I feel.
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  I can't be vulnerable.
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  I don't want anyone to see that this bothers me.
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  I'm just going to stuff it and everything's going to be OK.
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  If I ignore it,
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  it'll go away.
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  If I don't talk about it,
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  it doesn't exist.
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  And those are all subconscious things.
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  Those are not actual rational thoughts.
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  We know kids aren't rational,
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  but that all contributes to that internalizing behavior.
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  Well,
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  what happens in the playroom is
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  they're in charge.
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  They are the master of their own destiny.
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  They get to decide what happens.
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  Therefore,
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  they have ownership of consequences.
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  And as they develop an emotional vocabulary,
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  and as they realize that they're in charge,
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  they start to
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  believe in their capacity to handle things.
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  They start to interact differently.
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  They start to test and prove that they're capable.
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  When you realize you can handle big feelings,
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  when you realize other people can meet
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  your needs if you effectively communicate them,
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  it changes your behavior.
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  So I don't have to stuff this and put on
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  airs of everything is fine.
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  I don't have to
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  just keep this inside myself
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  and act as if there's no struggle here.
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  I'm,
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  I'm able to be vulnerable.
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  I'm able to put that out,
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  and I know that someone will understand
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  and recognize it and help me to get my needs met.
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  They also learn that they can meet their own needs,
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  which is probably the more significant of the two,
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  because
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  kids know how to solve their own stuff.
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  And so what happens is
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  they test and prove
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  that they are capable.
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  They test and prove that they can problem solve,
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  and over the course of time,
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  they become more assertive in that
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  I know what my needs are and I'm going to express them appropriately,
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  and I'm going to work to make sure
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  that this gets solved either because I can solve
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  it or someone else can help me solve it.
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  And they essentially learn
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  that
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  I can
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  be very aware of my feelings
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  and recognize them,
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  communicate them.
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  And allow them to be known and seen
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  instead of
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  I have to safeguard everyone from these feelings.
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  It's OK if people know what's going on with me,
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  and there's a vulnerability that that has to come in there.
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  And that's where that assertive growth
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  really takes flight.
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  So,
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  I hope that that gives you a sense of
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  what's happening in the playroom,
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  but maybe with your own children,
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  maybe your kids aren't in therapy.
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  If you have a kid that
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  tends to
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  seem like everything is fine all the time.
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  You have to question how much of that is getting stuffed
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  and to what degree are they internalizing things.
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  Do they have an outlet for that?
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  And do they feel that their needs are getting met?
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  And sometimes are they overshadowed by another family member
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  that externalizes and everyone has to cater to their needs.
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  There's usually a dynamic in place.
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  Within the family when you have an internalizing child.
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  So certainly something to be mindful of,
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  to consider.
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  If you have questions or you have thoughts,
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  I would love to hear from you,
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  Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.
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  And
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  you can always send me a question.
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  You can say hello,
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  you can
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  share your thoughts about an episode.
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  I love to hear from you.
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  So please reach out
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  and
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  love your kids.
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  Become a student of your kids.
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  Figure out what
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  their stuff is
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  and support them in becoming a happier and healthier version of themselves.
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  Whether you pursue CCPT with a play therapist or not.
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  You are a change agent in your child's life as well.
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  And so I hope that this equips you to take those
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  steps if you realize that your child could use some support.
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  Love y'all.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.